Gratitude

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  "I am," he says, "greatly a debtor to God, who has bestowed his grace so largely upon me, that multitudes were born again to God through me. The Irish, who never had the knowledge of God and worshipped only idols and unclean things, have lately become the people of the Lord, and are called sons of God." He speaks of having baptized many thousands of men. Armagh seems to have been for some time the centre of his missionary operations, and is to this day the seat of the primacy of Ireland, both Roman Catholic and Protestant. He died in peace, and was buried in Downpatrick (or Gabhul), where he began his mission, gained his first converts and spent his declining years.51 His Roman Catholic biographers have surrounded his life with marvelous achievements, while some modern Protestant hypercritics have questioned even his existence, as there is no certain mention of his name before 634; unless it be "the Hymn of St. Sechnall (Secundinus) in praise of St. Patrick, which is assigned to 448. But if we accept his own writings, "there can be no reasonable doubt" (we say with a Presbyterian historian of Ireland) "that he preached the gospel in Hibernia in the fifth century; that he was a most zealous and efficient evangelist, and that he is eminently entitled to the honorable designation of the Apostle of Ireland."52 The Christianity of Patrick was substantially that of Gaul and old Britain, i.e. Catholic, orthodox, monastic, ascetic, but independent of the Pope, and differing from Rome in the age of Gregory I. in minor matters of polity and ritual. In his Confession he never mentions Rome or the Pope; he never appeals to tradition, and seems to recognize the Scriptures (including the Apocrypha) as the only authority in matters of faith. He quotes from the canonical Scriptures twenty-five times; three times from the Apocrypha. It has been conjectured that the failure and withdrawal of Palladius was due to Patrick, who had already monopolized this mission-field; but, according to the more probable chronology, the mission of Patrick began about nine years after that of Palladius. From the end of the seventh century, the two persons were confounded, and a part of the history of Palladius, especially his connection with Pope Caelestine, was transferred to Patrick.53

• From Going Clear (2013)

  The book has gained immeasurably from her curiosity and doggedness, as well as her natural human sympathy— qualities that will certainly ensure her future career and reward those who have the good fortune to enjoy her company. As usual, I owe special thanks to my wife, Roberta, who has once again set aside many anxieties to support my work. Notes INTRODUCTION 1 8 million members: Interview with Tommy Davis, the former chief spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International. He explains the difficulty in getting exact numbers: “There’s no process of conversion, there is no baptism.” Becoming a Scientologist is a simple decision: “Either you are or you aren’t.” 2 welcomes 4.4 million: “What Is Scientology?” YouTube video, posted by Church of Scientology, January 2, 2012, www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vcb_4L8T8gg. 3 about 30,000 members: Interview with Mike Rinder. Rinder is the former head of Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs and functioned as the church’s chief spokesperson from 1991 through 2007. 4 $1 billion in liquid assets: Interview with Mark “Marty” Rathbun. Rathbun is the former Inspector General for Ethics for the church. Tony Ortega, “Scientology in Turmoil: Debbie Cook’s E-mail, Annotated,” Runnin’ Scared (blog), Village Voice, Jan. 6, 2012. According to the distinguished religious historian R. Scott Appleby at the University of Notre Dame, even the Roman Catholic Church is unlikely to have $1 billion in cash on hand. R. Scott Appleby, personal communication. 5 12 million square feet of property: Church of Scientology International, “Scientology: Unparalleled Growth Since 2004,” www.scientologynews.org/stats.html. 6 The most recent addition: Kevin Roderick, “Scientology Reveals Plans for Sunset Boulevard Studio,” LA Observed, July 12, 2012. 7 apartment buildings, hotels: Pinellas County Property Appraiser, 2012 tax roll. 8 5,000, 6,000, or 10,000 members: Church of Scientology International, What Is Scientology?, p. 324; interview with Tommy Davis; personal communication from Karin Pouw. 9 between 3,000 and 5,000: Claire Headley and Mike Rinder, personal communication. Rinder, who offers the higher number, places about 2,000 Sea Org members at Flag, 1,500 in LA, 500 at Gold Base and Int Base, 200 in the UK, 300 in Denmark, 150 in Australia, 200 on the Freewinds, and the rest scattered around Africa, Italy, Canada, and Mexico. 1. THE CONVERT 1 “You have a mind”: Interview with Jim Logan. 2 “What is true”: According to Haggis, the passage came from the Hubbard Qualified Scientologist course. It was later published in Hubbard’s book The Way to Happiness. Hubbard, The Way to Happiness, p. 48. 3 “find the ruin”: Peter F. Gillham, Tell It Like It Is!: A Course in Scientology Dissemination (Los Angeles: Red Baron Publishing, 1972), p. 37. 4 “Once the person”: Hubbard, “Dissemination Drill,” Hubbard Communications Office Policy Letter, Oct. 23, 1965. 5 Speed City: Interview with Herman Goodden. 6 “You walked in one day”: Hubbard, “Clearing Congress Lectures,” Shoreham Hotel, Washington, DC, July 4, 1958. 7 “A civilization without insanity”: What Is Scientology?, p. xiii. 8 “Scientology works 100 percent”: Ibid., p. 215.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  The language is simple and picturesque, and the characters are drawn with remarkable fidelity to nature. The moral of this tale points out how the hero Ivan might have avoided the terrible consequences of a quarrel with his neighbor (which grew out of nothing) if he had lived in accordance with the scriptural injunction to forgive his brother’s sins and seek not for revenge. The story of “Polikushka” is a very graphic description of the life led by a servant of the court household of a certain nobleman, in which the author portrays the different conditions and surroundings enjoyed by these servants from those of the ordinary or common peasants. It is a true and powerful reproduction of an element in Russian life but little written about heretofore. Like the other stories of this great writer, “Polikushka” has a moral to which we all might profitably give heed. He illustrates the awful consequences of intemperance, and concludes that only kind treatment can reform the victims of alcohol. For much valuable assistance in the work of these translations, I am deeply indebted to the bright English scholarship of my devoted wife. THE KREUTZER SONATA. CHAPTER I. Travellers left and entered our car at every stopping of the train. Three persons, however, remained, bound, like myself, for the farthest station: a lady neither young nor pretty, smoking cigarettes, with a thin face, a cap on her head, and wearing a semi-masculine outer garment; then her companion, a very loquacious gentleman of about forty years, with baggage entirely new and arranged in an orderly manner; then a gentleman who held himself entirely aloof, short in stature, very nervous, of uncertain age, with bright eyes, not pronounced in color, but extremely attractive,—eyes that darted with rapidity from one object to another. This gentleman, during almost all the journey thus far, had entered into conversation with no fellow-traveller, as if he carefully avoided all acquaintance. When spoken to, he answered curtly and decisively, and began to look out of the car window obstinately. Yet it seemed to me that the solitude weighed upon him. He seemed to perceive that I understood this, and when our eyes met, as happened frequently, since we were sitting almost opposite each other, he turned away his head, and avoided conversation with me as much as with the others. At nightfall, during a stop at a large station, the gentleman with the fine baggage—a lawyer, as I have since learned—got out with his companion to drink some tea at the restaurant.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  "Would," said he, "that my friend had charged me with some dispositions favorable to you, I should carry out such requests with the greatest pleasure; I am sorry indeed he did not tell me 'twas to you he owed the advice to guard his room; but he said nothing of the sort, not a word did I have from him, and consequently I am obliged to limit myself to merely complying with his orders. What you have suffered by his loss would persuade me to do something in my own name were I able to, Mademoiselle, but I am just setting up in business, I am young, my fortune is not boundless, I am compelled to render an account of Dubreuil to his family and without delay; allow me then to confine myself to the one little service I beg you to accept: here are five louis and I have here as well an honest merchant from Chalon-surSaone, my native city; she is going to return there after a day and a night's stop at Lyon where she is called by business matters; I put you into her keeping." "Madame Bertrand," Valbois continued, "here is the young lady I spoke of; I recommend her to you, she wishes to procure herself a situation. With the same earnestness which would apply were she my own sister, I beg you to take all possible steps to find something in our city which will be suitable to her person, her birth, and her upbringing; that until she is properly installed she incur no expense; do see to her requirements and I shall reimburse you immediately I am home." Valbois besought me leave to embrace me. "Adieu, Mademoiselle," he continued, "Madame Bertrand sets off tomorrow at daybreak; accompany her and may a little more happiness attend you in a city where I shall perhaps soon have the satisfaction of seeing you again." The courtesy of this young man, who was in no sort indebted to me, brought tears to my eyes. Kind treatment is sweet indeed when for so long one has experienced naught but the most odious. I accepted his gifts, at the same time swearing I was going to work at nothing but to put myself in a way to be able someday to reciprocate. Alas! I thought as I retired, though the exercise of yet another virtue has just flung me into destitution, at least, for the first time in my life, the hope of consolation looms out of this appalling pit of evil into which Virtue has cast me again. The hour was not advanced; I needed a breath of air and so went down to the Isere embankment, desiring to stroll there for several instants; and, as almost always happens under similar circumstances, my thoughts, absorbing me entirely, led me far.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  This recital only inflamed my zeal the more, I became unable to resist the violent desire I felt to pay a visit to this hallowed church and there, by a few acts of piety, to make restitution for the neglect whereof I was guilty. However great was my own need of charities, I gave the girl a crown, and set off down the road leading to Saint Mary-in-the-Wood, as was called the monastery toward which I directed my steps. When I had descended upon the plain I could see the spire no more; for guide I had nothing but the forest ahead of me, and before long I began to fear that the distance, of which I had forgotten to inform myself, was far greater than I had estimated at first; but was in nowise discouraged. I arrived at the edge of the forest and, some amount of daylight still remaining, I decided to forge on, considering I should be able to reach the monastery before nightfall. However, not a hint of human life presented itself to my gaze, not a house, and all I had for road was a beaten path I followed virtually at random; I had already walked at least five leagues without seeing a thing when, the Star having completely ceased to light the universe, it seemed I heard the tolling of a bell... I harken, I move toward the sound, I hasten, the path widens ever so little, at last I perceive several hedges and soon afterward the monastery; than this isolation nothing could be wilder, more rustic, there is no neighboring habitation, the nearest is six leagues removed, and dense tracts of forest surround the house on all sides; it was situated in a depression, I had a goodly distance to descend in order to get to it, and this was the reason I had lost sight of the tower; a gardener's cabin nestled against the monastery's walls; it was there one applied before entering. I demanded of this gate-keeper whether it were permitted to speak to the superior; he asked to be informed of my errand; I advised him that a religious duty had drawn me to this holy refuge and that I would be well repaid for all the trouble I had experienced to get to it were I able to kneel an instant before the feet of the miraculous Virgin and the saintly ecclesiastics in whose house the divine image was preserved. The gardener rings and I penetrate into the monastery; but as the hour is advanced and the fathers are at supper, he is some time in returning.

• From Between Us

  There are no right and wrong emotions; there are only emotions that are right and wrong in a particular context, by particular standards. So, ask yourself what your own emotion wants to achieve, and how this may be different from the direction that your interaction partner’s emotion takes you. Ask yourself how you can act and feel differently. Can you find a dance that accommodates both? Can you end the emotional episode in a way that is right by both perspectives? Even if your own way of doing emotions is the acceptable, normative one in a given context, ask yourself if other “dances” can be accommodated. Can we stop leading confidently and then question the other’s capacity to dance just because they do not follow our own dance? Let us explore emotions across cultural boundaries (gender, ethnicity, class, and race) by listening and observing, by closely examining, and by not imposing our ways of understanding emotions as the true or “natural” way. Can our schools, business organizations, and courtrooms become flexible enough to accommodate some different understandings of emotion? This is the challenge and the opportunity for researchers and practitioners in the multicultural present and future. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS The research and thinking about the topic of Between Us began with my PhD work under emotion psychologist Nico H. Frijda at the University of Amsterdam. At a time when many in the field believed that emotions were universal, Nico questioned the universality thesis. Our many discussions on the role of culture in emotion have kept me honest and helped articulate my views. I still miss his intellect and his friendship, and I owe him much. I thank my lucky stars that I met Hazel Markus during my PhD research. She became my postdoctoral advisor at the University of Michigan and was one of the people to create the discipline of cultural psychology that scaffolded my endeavors. She was also my model for being a woman professor; none of my professors the University of Amsterdam were women. I owe much of my emotional acculturation to Hazel: She helped me navigate the culture of American academics. Her friendship and mentorship have meant the world to me. Throughout my career, I have been fortunate enough to have a peer group of outstanding emotion researchers. My ideas have evolved in dialogue with Lisa Feldmann Barrett, Barb Fredrickson, Sheri Johnson, Ann Kring, and Jeanne Tsai. They have been my sounding board, my support group, and the best friends. I thank them for having contributed to the ideas of this book, for having read parts of earlier drafts, and for setting an example by reaching out to a larger audience and writing their own books.

• From Between Us

  No small part of this book was the product of collaboration. I thank all my collaborators, but special thanks go to Lisa Feldmann Barrett, Phoebe Ellsworth, Ashleigh Haire, Mayumi Karasawa, Shinobu Kitayama, Heejung Kim, Bernard Rimé, and Yukiko Uchida for the dialogue and friendship they have offered. Finally, I thank my colleagues and my students at the Center of Social and Cultural Psychology at the University of Leuven. This book bears the fruits of our everyday research collaboration. I could have never imagined a more collegial, inspiring, and collaborative environment. I particularly thank Michael Boiger, Ellen Delvaux, Jozefien De Leersnyder, Katie Hoemann, Alba Jasini, Alexander Kirchner, Yeasle Lee, Loes Meeussen, Fulya Özcanli, Karen Phalet, Anna Schouten, Kaat Van Acker, and Colette Van Laar. We made this journey together, and I learned so much from you. This book was conceived during a 2016–2017 residential fellowship at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences (CASBS) at Stanford University. I thank the director of the center, Margaret Levi, for hosting me, and my cohort of fellows for the many stimulating discussions on this book and related topics. I am particularly grateful to Kate Zaloom and Sapna Cheryan for our morning writing sessions in which I learned that writing a book works like yoga: you go back to the mat every morning and focus; slight improvements happen. I have continued the practice. The writing of this book was furthermore facilitated by two sabbaticals granted by the University of Leuven (2016–17, 2018–19), by my colleagues’ willingness to step up when I was on sabbatical, and by an ERC-Advanced grant (ERC-ADG 834587) from the European Research Council. I want to thank Lisa Feldmann Barrett, Michael Boiger, Katie Hoemann, Jonathan Janssen, Ann Kring, Will Tiemeijer, Jeanne Tsai, Kaat Van Acker, Colette Van Laar, Kate Zaloom, and the members of the Culture Lab 2020–2021 for reading outlines and earlier versions of this book. I thank Yeasle Lee and Michael Borger for their help with the illustrations of this book. I thank my agent, Max Brockman, for his confidence in me as an author, for helping me further articulate the purpose of the book, and for allowing me to focus on the writing by taking care of all business in the most efficient way possible. I also thank the unsurpassed Tom Verthé, my project manager, for helping me with all the organizational tasks related to this book, and for doing so in good spirit. My gratitude also goes to Melanie Tortoroli, my editor at W. W. Norton. It was she who recognized the potential of my ideas, and it was she who helped to develop these ideas to reach their potential.

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  “There is nothing to compare her to, no one even comes close. Spoiled isn’t the term I’d use—ruined is more like it.” Novelist, 29, Boston, Massachusetts. “I’ve been with many women and I thought I’d seen it all. No one even approaches her hand jobs. My girlfriend now does me better than I do myself.” Executive film producer, 48, Los Angeles, California. “This was the best four-hour investment my wife ever made for our relationship.” Financial analyst, 35, New York, New York. “At first I couldn’t believe that she went to this and afterwards I thanked God.” Studio executive, 28, Los Angeles, California. “I cannot thank you enough for what you gave my fiancée. We were already really open about sex but this took us to another level. And we were amazed at what we thought we knew and didn’t.” Printer, 44, Indianapolis, Indiana. [image file=image_rsrc1Y9.jpg] [image file=image_rsrc1YA.jpg] HOW TO BE A GREAT LOVER. Copyright © 1999 by Lou Paget. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. For information, address Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc., 1745 Broadway, New York, NY 10019 Broadway Books titles may be purchased for business or promotional use or for special sales. For information, please write to: Special Markets Department, Random House, Inc., 1745 Broadway, New York, NY 10019 BROADWAY BOOKS and its logo, a letter B bisected on the diagonal, are trademarks of Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Paget, Lou. How to be a great lover: girlfriend-to-girlfriend totally explicit techniques that will blow his mind / by Lou Paget. p. cm. eISBN: 978-0-8041-5135-1 Hardcover ISBN: 9780767902878 1. Sexual excitement—Popular works. 2. Women—Sexual behavior—Popular works. 3. Sex—Popular works. I. Title. HQ21 P14 1999 306.7—dc21 98-41537 CIP v3.1 TO BRYAN THALHEIMER You shared the magic of your attitude and information. And without whom this would not have been possible. TO ALL OF THE LADIES IN THE SEMINARS This book is a dedication to your sharing. When you give from your heart you give of the gold. You can’t be thanked enough. This book was written to inform, educate, and expand the awareness of its readers. While the techniques mentioned in this book work well for some people, they may not be appropriate for you. Be aware that it is your responsibility to know your body and that of your partner. Also, this book talks about sex acts that are illegal in some states. Know your state’s laws about sex and if you choose to break them, do so at your own risk. This book makes no representation as, or as a substitute for, relationship counseling.

• From Sister Outsider (1984)

  Eventually, if we speak the truth to each other, it will become unavoidable to ourselves. * An abbreviated version of this essay was published in Essence , vol. 14, no. 6 (October 1983). I wish to thank the following women without whose insights and support I could not have completed this paper: Andrea Canaan, Frances Clayton, Michelle Cliff, Blanche Wiesen Cook, Clare Coss, Yvonne Flowers, Gloria Joseph, Adrienne Rich, Charlotte Sheedy, Judy Simmons and Barbara Smith. This paper is dedicated to the memory of Sheila Blackwell Pinckney, 1953–1983. ** From a poem by Dr. Gloria Joseph. * Unpublished paper by Samella Lewis. * From “Letters from Black Feminists, 1972–1978” by Barbara Smith and Beverly Smith in Conditions: Four (1979). * From The I Ching . ** From “Nigger” by Judy Dothard Simmons in Decent Intentions (Blind Beggar Press, P.O. Box 437, Williamsbridge Station, Bronx, New York 10467, 1983). * From The I Ching . * This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color edited by Cherríe Moraga and Gloria Anzaldua (Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press, New York, 1984). * From The I Ching . * From “Every Woman Ever Loved A Woman” by Bernice Johnson Reagon, song performed by Sweet Honey in the Rock. * From The I Ching .

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  That first real sexual lesson was back in 1985 and to this day, it was the best latte I ever had. There was one particular move Bryan showed me that I can honestly say has never failed me. And all the women in my seminars who have tried it on their men say exactly the same thing. I call it “Ode to Bryan,” in memory of my dear friend Bryan who has since passed away. (You’ll find out precisely how the “Ode to Bryan” is done in Chapter 6.) There is no way I could have imagined what kind of impact that conversation with Bryan would have on my life. I certainly never dreamed it would turn into a career. But the transformation in my way of being with and relating to men was profound. It provided me with the confidence I needed to explore my own sexuality. For a long time, I kept the information to myself. It wasn’t intentional; I guess I just didn’t realize or think about how many other women could relate to the same frustrations when it came to sexual know-how. One night in 1993 while visiting with a couple of girlfriends, I got to talking with them about sex, our love lives, and men in general. Somewhere in the midst of the conversation, one of them mentioned that the sex had not been everything she had hoped it would be between her and her fiancé. The problem, she said, was hers. Here she was, about to get married, and she had little confidence in her sexual ability beyond intercourse. She was reluctant to try anything at which she might fail. My other friend empathized, sheepishly admitting that she didn’t know exactly what to do, either. They both said lack of knowledge made them feel awkward and inhibited in bed. But what were they going to do? There wasn’t a place where women who valued their reputations and self-respect could go to learn sexual techniques. Yes, there is, I told them, wondering to myself if Bryan was looking down from heaven at that moment. Right here. I got out three spoons and began to talk. I showed them everything Bryan had shown me, and added a few moves I’d come up with myself. We laughed until the wee hours of the morning, exchanging ideas and sexual anecdotes about all the wrong information we’d gotten in the past. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to follow. Within a week I got phone calls from both of my friends, saying that the things I showed them that night had actually led to dramatic improvements in their sex lives already! They referred to me as The Kama Lou Tra and said I should consider going into the business of teaching nice women about sex.

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  We will do what we can. The greater the damage is to the bone, soft tissues, nerves, and blood vessels, the higher the risk for infection. And since you were dragging yourself all over the house…” I lean my head back because the room is spinning. I wonder if I’ll remember any of this when the effects of the tequila clear. “It’s the best I could do,” he says. I know it is. He hands me a mug with a spoon sticking out of it. I take it, peering inside. He picks up his own mug. “What is it?” there is a lumpy looking yellow fluid in the cup. It looks disgusting, but my stomach clenches in anticipation anyway. “Creamed corn.” He sticks the spoon in his mouth, sucks it dry. I follow suit. It’s not nearly as bad as it looks. I have hazy memories of grabbing the can the night before, the way it dug into my hip as I climbed the ladder. “Take it slow,” Isaac warns. I have to force myself not to down the whole mug in one gulp. My hunger pain subsides ever so slightly, and I am able to focus solely on the other pain my body is feeling. He hands me four large white pills. “It’ll just dim it, Senna.” “Okay,” I whisper, letting him drop them in my hand. He hands me a cup of water and I drop all four pills into my mouth. “Isaac,” I say. “Please rest.” He kisses my forehead. “Hush.” When I wake up the room is warm. I’ve noticed that the highlight of most of my days here are waking up and going to sleep. It’s what I remember most about The Caging of Senna and Isaac : wake up; go to sleep; wake up; go to sleep. There is little in between to make a difference; we wander … we eat … but mostly we sleep. And if we’re lucky it’s warm when we wake. Now there is a new sensation—pain. I look around the room. Isaac is asleep on the floor a few feet away. He has a single blanket covering him. It’s not even long enough to cover his feet. I want to give him my blanket, but I don’t know how to stand up. I groan and lean back against the pillows. The painkillers have worn off. I am hungry again. I wonder if he’s eaten, if he’s okay. When did this happen? When did my thoughts shift to Isaac’s needs? I stare at the ceiling. That’s the way it happened with Nick. It started out with him loving me, him being obsessed with me; then, all of a sudden … osmosis. The minute I started freely loving Nick he left me. Three times a day Isaac makes a trip down to the well to get food and restock our wood.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  death in 578 by his uncle Abu Tâlib, who had two wives and ten children, and, though poor and no believer in his nephew’s mission, generously protected him to the end. He accompanied his uncle on a commercial journey to Syria, passing through the desert, ruined cities of old, and Jewish and Christian settlements, which must have made a deep impression on his youthful imagination. Mohammed made a scanty living as an attendant on caravans and by watching sheep and goats. The latter is rather a disreputable occupation among the Arabs, and left to unmarried women and slaves; but he afterwards gloried in it by appealing to the example of Moses and David, and said that God never calls a prophet who has not been a shepherd before. According to tradition—for, owing to the strict prohibition of images, we have no likeness of the prophet—he was of medium size, rather slender, but broad-shouldered and of strong muscles, had black eyes and hair, an oval-shaped face, white teeth, a long nose, a patriarchal beard, and a commanding look. His step was quick and firm. He wore white cotton stuff, but on festive occasions fine linen striped or dyed in red. He did everything for himself; to the last he mended his own clothes, and cobbled his sandals, and aided his wives in sewing and cooking. He laughed and smiled often. He had a most fertile imagination and a genius for poetry and religion, but no learning. He was an "illiterate prophet," in this respect resembling some of the prophets of Israel and the fishermen of Galilee. It is a disputed question among Moslem and Christian scholars whether he could even read and write.154 Probably he could not. He dictated the Koran from inspiration to his disciples and clerks. What knowledge he possessed, he picked up on the way from intercourse with men, from hearing books read, and especially from his travels. In his twenty-fifth year he married a rich widow, Chadijah (or Chadîdsha), who was fifteen years older than himself, and who had previously hired him to carry on the mercantile business of her former husband. Her father was opposed to the match; but she made and kept him drunk until the ceremony was completed. He took charge of her caravans with great success, and made several journeys. The marriage was happy and fruitful of six children, two sons and four daughters; but all died except little Fâtima, who became the mother of innumerable legitimate and illegitimate descendants of the prophet. He also adopted Alî, whose close connection with him became so important in the history of Islâm. He was faithful to Chadijah, and held her in grateful remembrance after her death.155 He used to say, "Chadijah believed in me when nobody else did." He married afterwards a number of wives, who caused him much trouble and scandal.

• From Between Us

  Her enthusiasm, her vision, and her incisive edits have helped the book along. I learned a lot from her in the process. I am particularly grateful to three scholars, whose close engagement in the writing process made this book possible. Hazel Markus, my mentor and cultural psychologist at Stanford University, sandwiched her critical feedback on every single chapter with love. She encouraged me to reach out to my American audience, and to connect my research with real societal questions and problems. Gert Storms, linguistic psychologist at my own university, read every chapter, offering reassurance in his understated European way, and pointing out my inconsistencies and errors (as Europeans do when they feel close enough to care). Finally, Owen Flanagan, philosopher of mind at Duke University, generously shared his astute mind, his incredible command of the literature, and his wisdom about the process of writing books. Our continued dialogue and friendship sustained me during the writing of this book and gave me confidence. I thank my parents for teaching me the vital importance of accommodating a diversity of perspectives. Their personal histories showed me that intolerance can kill, and they carried the value of tolerance close at heart, practicing what they preached. I thank them for encouraging me to be an independent, critical thinker. I would have liked to show my dad, Albert Gomes de Mesquita, “that book of yours”; he did not live to see it. I thank my mom, Lien de Jong, for her sustained support, her unconditional love, her interest and involvement in the book, and for showing vicarious pride. I thank my family and close friends for having been not only supportive and curious, but also patient during the writing of this book. I specifically thank Mat Aguilar, Ton Broeders, Sytse Carlé, Waldo Carlé, Ulli D’Oliveira, Debbie Goldstein, Daniël Gomes de Mesquita, Diane Griffioen, Mieke Hulens, Roos Kroon, Renée Lemieux, Arjeh Mesquita, Ada Odijk, Jacqueline Peeters, Reshmaa Selvakumar, Paul Van Hal, Ewald Verfaillie, Michael Zajonc, Daisy Zajonc, Donna Zajonc, Jonathan Zajonc, Krysia Zajonc, Lucy Zajonc, Peter Zajonc, and Joe Zajonc. All my love and gratitude goes to Benny Carlé, who has been on my side during the ups and downs of the writing process. He is not the fictive husband I describe in Chapter 4 , who was late for dinner without notifying me. Instead, Benny spiced up my days with delicious dinners and conversations about the world beyond the book. I dedicate this book to my children, Oliver and Zoë Zajonc. I love you so much.

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  No one involved in the writing or publishing of this book is a physician, mental health professional, or licensed sex therapist, although members of those professions have been consulted on certain issues. Consult with a physician if you have any condition which precludes strenuous or sexually exciting activity. Further consult a physician or licensed sex therapist before attempting any sexual act that you are unfamiliar with, or do so at your own risk. Neither Lou Paget nor Broadway Books nor any of their associates shall be liable or responsible to any person or entity for any loss, damage, injury, or ailment caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly, by the information or lack of information contained in this book. AcknowledgmentsI asked a many-times-published friend, “What is the best thing about writing a book?” He responded, “Doing the acknowledgments and dedication pages.” You know what? He was right. THE SUPPORT TEAM To Dede, Lisa, and Michelle, without whom I couldn’t have stayed the course. To Sherry, Katerena, Carolynn, Tammy, and Buffy—the other ladies in my family, for their unending, uncomplicated, and sweet, sweet support. Jessica Kalkin, Matthew Davidge, Ariel Sotolongo my “HCB”, Maura McAniff, Rebecca Clemons, Priscilla Wallace, Sandra Beck, Gail Harrington, Raymond Davi, Jay Rosen, Alan Cochran, Michael Levin, Peter Greenberg, Kendra King, Joyce Lyons, Nance Mitchell, Stacy Rozsa, Peter Redgrove, Elizabeth Hall, Morley Winnick, Marianne Huning, Bob Linn, T. J. Rozsa, Greg Pryor, Marsha and Wayne Williams, Mark Helm, and all at Women’s Referral Service (WRS). THE CREATIVE TEAM Joan S., who gave me the idea and insisted I do it. Catherine McEvily Harris and Billie Fitzpatrick, who took my voice and masterfully turned it into words. Debra Goldstein: an agent like you is every author’s dream. Lauren Marino: THE editor. The Buddha-like calm in the middle of the storm. She has one of the best laughs. Ann Campbell, assistant editor, and Nancy Peske, copy editor. All at Broadway Books and Creative Culture. THE RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT TEAM Penelope Hitchcock, DVM, Jacqueline Snow, MN, CNP, Eric Daar, MD, Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, Bryce Britton, MS, Ron McAllister, PhD, Nancy Breuer, Lynne Gabriel, Uri Peles, MD, Dennis Paradise, Norm Zafman, Shannon Foley. ContentsCover Title Page Copyright Dedication Acknowledgments Chapter One THE KAMA LOU TRA How I Came to Teach the Sexuality Seminars Chapter Two BEYOND THE BEDROOM Creating Your Sensual Environment Chapter Three THE ART OF KISSING A Kiss Is Never Just a Kiss Chapter Four SAFETY IS ESSENSUAL Chapter Five TO LUBE OR NOT TO LUBE? There Is No Question Chapter Six GIVE THAT MAN A HAND Mastering Manual Stimulation Chapter Seven BLOWING HIS … MIND! Every Woman’s Guide to Great Oral Sex Chapter Eight THE OUTER LIMITS Only for the Sexually Adventurous Chapter Nine COMING TOGETHER AT LAST The Magic of Intercourse Chapter Ten PEARLS AND OTHER PASSIONATE PLAYTHINGS Discover the Pleasure of Toys One Final Word Bibliography Sources: Where You Can Get the Toys

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  Sorry I have so many tattoos. I hope I can still go to Heaven. Cindy Fisher, the best mother in the world. Our mansions will all sit in the shadow of yours. Stephen King, thank you for teaching me how to write. You’re a goddam genius. My friend and assistant, Serena Knautz, you are shrewd as a snake and harmless as a dove. You put love into action. I adore you. Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations, you are a true artist. This is the most beautiful cover I have ever seen. The vision was all you. Marie Piquette, my editor, I, am, sorry, I, use, so, many, comma’s. Christine Estevez for always being on my team. The blogging Jedi: Molly Harper of Tough Critic Book Reviews, Aestas Book Blog, Maryse’s Book Blog, Vilma’s Book Blog, Bec’s of Sinfully Sexy Book Reviews, Madison Says Book Blog and Shh Mom’s Reading Book Blog. Each of you gives blogging a different flavor. I appreciate each one of your voices and the time you take promoting my books. Vilma, that was the most beautiful review I’ve ever read. I’d also like to thank Madison Seidler, Luisa Hansen, Yvette Huerta, Rebecca Espinoza and my little Nina Gomez for their input and friendship. Jonathan Rodriguez for assuring me every day that I’m a genius (even though I can’t do fractions). Tosha Khoury, I am so blessed to have you. You get me. You get what I write. I don’t know anyone who believes in my books more than you. Amy Tannenbaum, my tiny, tough, agent. My vicious PLN army/gang, I love you! Sundae Coletti, Jennifer Stiltner, Robin Stranahan, Dyann Tufts, Robin Segnitz, Amy Holloway, Krystle Zion, Sandra Cortez, Nelly Martinez de Iraheta, Monica Martinez, Sarah Kaiser, Chelsea Peden McCrory, Dawnita Kiefer, Miranda Howard, Courtney Mazal, Yoss, Kristin McNally, Tre Hathaway, Shelly Ford, Maribel Zamora, Maria Milano, Fizza Hussain, Brooke Higgins, Paula Roper, Joanna Hoffman Dursi, Marivett Villafane, Amy Miller Sayler, and my favorite Kristy Garner. I wish I could list you all. Since publishing my first book, I have met so many people who made me view the world differently. There is none more rare and precious than Colleen Hoover. She is a light shining in darkness. Thank you for loving Mud Vein, and for recognizing our red thread. You have no heart, and you have the biggest heart. And finally, to the God who says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I live for you, mud vein and all. Nothing happens for weeks. We develop a routine, if you can call it that. It’s more of a day-to-day stay sane and survive kind of thing. I call it Sanity Circulation. When you’re caged up you need somewhere to send your hours, or you start getting prickly, like when you sit in the same position for too long and your legs get pins and needles.

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  Finally, at my wit’s end, I decided to go straight to the source: enter my dear friend, Bryan. The truth of the matter was that the forever love I mentioned earlier and I had long since broken up, but I was optimistic that at some point in my life, I’d get another crack at love and romance. And I wanted to be ready. I could talk to Bryan about anything, and his being gay meant that the subject wasn’t the least bit dangerous for either of us. In other words, there was no chance of his leering at me and saying, “I’ll show you, baby.” He empathized with my problem and wanted to point me in the right direction. Over several cups of café latte at his house, Bryan asked me what it was that I wanted to know, and why I hadn’t asked my boyfriend what he wanted in bed. I said to him, “Bryan, how can you ask for what you want to know, when you don’t even know what that is?” I told him that I was comfortable with my knowledge about intercourse, but it was the other stuff men liked that I wanted more information on. The more information I have, the higher my comfort level, and the higher my comfort level, the more confidence I have. I knew that with more knowledge on oral and manual techniques, I’d be able to express my love more creatively, and in a way that better represented the depth of my feelings. Bryan didn’t laugh or make fun of me. All he said was, “Then you’ve got to know one thing: for me, the key to great sex is in the foreplay.” He explained that when it comes to making love, intercourse is just the tip of the iceberg, and that the foundation of amazing lovemaking lies in foreplay. That’s where the great lovers are separated from the mediocre ones. This made sense to me. I knew foreplay was the key to exciting sex for women, so why shouldn’t that be true for men? As we sat in his house over lattes, Bryan picked up his spoon and told me to do the same with mine. Pretending it was a penis, he showed me what feels good to men. He explained which areas of the penis are extra sensitive, requiring a gentle touch, as well as those areas where more pressure should be applied for maximum results. He also showed me some creative things to do with my hands, tongue, and throat that would create a variety of sensations in just the right places. Bryan’s explanations were clear and logical. The great part was that I soon found they didn’t suffer in the translation from spoon to penis.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  The number of saints and their festivals multiplied very rapidly. Each nation, country, province or city chose its patron saint, as Peter and Paul in Rome, St. Ambrose in Milan, St. Martin, St. Denys (Dionysius) and St. Germain in France, St. George in England, St. Patrick in Ireland, St. Boniface in Germany, and especially the Virgin Mary, who has innumerable localities and churches under her care and protection. The fact of saintship was at first decided by the voice of the people, which was obeyed as the voice of God. Great and good men and women who lived in the odor of sanctity and did eminent service to the cause of religion as missionaries or martyrs or bishops or monks or nuns, were gratefully remembered after their death; they became patron saints of the country or province of their labors and sufferings, and their worship spread gradually over the entire church. Their relics were held sacred; their tombs were visited by pilgrims. The metropolitans usually decided on the claims of saintship for their province down to A.D. 1153.519 But to check the increase and to prevent mistakes, the popes, since Alexander III. A.D. 1170, claimed the exclusive right of declaring the fact, and prescribing the worship of a saint throughout the whole (Latin) Catholic church.520 This was done by a solemn act called canonization. From this was afterwards distinguished the act of beatification, which simply declares that a departed Catholic Christian is blessed (beatus) in heaven, and which within certain limits permits (but does not prescribe) his veneration.521 The first known example of a papal canonization is the canonization of Ulrich, bishop of Augsburg (d. 973), by John XV. who, at a Lateran synod composed of nineteen dignitaries, in 993, declared him a saint at the request of Luitolph (Leuthold), his successor in the see of Augsburg, after hearing his report in person on the life and miracles of Ulrich. His chief merit was the deliverance of Southern Germany from the invasion of the barbarous Magyars, and his devotion to the interests of his large diocese. He used to make tours of visitation on an ox-cart, surrounded by a crowd of beggars and cripples. He made two pilgrimages to Rome, the second in his eighty-first year, and died as an humble penitent on the bare floor. The bull puts the worship of the saints on the ground that it redounds to the glory of Christ who identifies himself with his saints, but it makes no clear distinction between the different degrees of worship. It threatens all who disregard this decree with the anathema of the apostolic see.522

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  To comprehend the importance of validation in peak eroticism, keep in mind the role of self-doubt in the sexual scenarios that most excite us. One function of our CETs is to help us demonstrate our worth and desirability and counteract lingering negative beliefs about ourselves. Part of the reason peak sex is so deeply satisfying is that it gives a potent boost to our self-esteem, as it clearly did for Raoul. You’ve no doubt seen popular caricatures in which a post-orgasmic lover inquires, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” We may be too sophisticated to make such a blatant request for approval, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want it. MUTUALITY AND RESONANCEModern books about sexual problems and enhancement warn of the dangers of assuming that your partner knows how, where, and when you like to be touched. Sex therapists, usually an unflappahle bunch, cringe when they hear their clients express two commonly held beliefs: “If you loved me you would know what to do” and “If I have to ask for it I don’t want it.” Such beliefs are setups for disappointment and frustration. Nevertheless, chances are you’ve had such thoughts yourself despite knowing, at least intellectually, that they’re unrealistic. An important reason for the persistence of such thinking is the fact that you’ve probably had encounters—and certainly fantasies—in which your partner knows, as if by magic, exactly what pleases you. More often than not, peak encounters have at least some of this quality of perfectly meshing timing, touch, and rhythm. About a quarter of The Group’s encounters and a fifth of their favorite fantasies specifically mention this sense of being highly in tune with their partners—I call it mutuality and resonance. These are the sorts of comments they make: “We were on the same wavelength.” “Everything I wanted she wanted too.” “He read my body like a book.” “It was as if my every secret desire was obvious.” “Our movements were perfectly synchronized.” “I played him like a violin and he loved it.” Women are significantly more likely than men to mention mutuality when describing their peak encounters (33 percent of women compared to 19 percent of men). Women are also more inclined to make mutuality a component of their fantasies (24 percent of women versus 17 percent of men). Lesbians are the most likely of all to refer to resonating with their partners, mentioning it in 45 percent of their encounters and in half of their fantasies. Women are taught, directly or indirectly, that the right man will know more about her sexuality than she does. Outside the sexual arena, girls and young women learn to place a high value on being sensitive and responding to the needs of others. Both factors contribute to women’s propensity to look for reciprocation with a perfectly matched partner. Alice, now age forty-nine, recalls an experience from eight years earlier in which synchronized movements produced an exquisite nonverbal resonance:

• From Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (2007)

  Needless to say, if I did not “pass” on a regular basis, I probably would have written a much different book. For better or for worse, I have found that the fact that people tend to experience me as female before they learn that I’m transsexual helps make it easier for me to defuse or debunk their misconceptions about transsexuality and gender. It forces them to consider (often for the first time in their lives) how their own expectations and assumptions greatly shape they way they perceive gender in other people. While I often exploit the fact that I “pass” in order to bring into question the way that people project gender stereotypes onto other people’s behaviors and bodies, I am also aware that this can be a double-edged sword, one that could inadvertently lead to the perspectives of trans people who “pass” trumping or drowning out the views of those who do not. Similarly, the fact that other privileges that I experience (e.g., that I am white, middle-class, able-bodied, etc.) remain largely unmarked in this book could lead others to mistakenly assume that my rather specific perspective is somehow representative of the entire trans community. That would be a grave error. All trans people have different insights into gender, insights that arise out of the unique combination of privileges and life histories that we each bring to the table. Each of us has a somewhat different take on being trans, and all of our voices need to be heard before we can even begin to develop any kind of overarching understanding of what it means to be transsexual. Therefore, I hope that people who read this book will see it not as the “definitive statement” on transsexuality or trans womanhood, but rather as simply one piece of a much larger project that involves many other people. I want to thank everyone in the San Francisco Bay Area spoken word and queer/trans performance communities, who offered me much love, support, and the opportunity to read and perform my work when I first began writing. I also want to thank everyone I met at Camp Trans when I attended in 2003 and upon becoming more involved in the organization in 2004. It was during those experiences that I first began to give some thought to the ways that trans women are viewed and treated very differently (both in straight and queer culture) from our FTM spectrum counterparts; that recognition was the germ that eventually grew into this project. I also want to thank Bitch magazine for publishing “Skirt Chasers: Why the Media Depicts the Trans Revolution in Lipstick and Heels”—the essay that in many ways became the starting point for this book—in their Fall 2004 issue (no. 26). Special thanks to Rachel Fudge, my editor on that piece, and to Lisa Jervis and Andi Zeisler, for later including the piece in their BITCHfest anthology. Other pieces included in this collection have also previously appeared elsewhere.

• From Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (2007)

  There are a number of them, but the one privilege that I believe has most influenced this project is one of time and place. I had the invaluable experience of transitioning in the early 2000s in the San Francisco Bay Area, one of the trans-friendliest places on the planet. While I certainly wouldn’t describe my transition as a “cakewalk,” I was able to change my lived sex without losing my job, my housing, my wife, my family and friends, and so on. Nearly everybody in my life gave me the benefit of the doubt, the space to grow, the opportunity to change my physical sex without feeling like I had to revamp my entire personality or start from scratch in a brand-new life someplace else. While I thank my family, friends, and coworkers for the support and understanding they’ve given me, I also realize that my experience—my relatively nontraumatic transition, that is—is a relatively recent phenomenon, one that did not generally exist even a decade or two ago. My experience was only made possible due to the countless transsexuals who have gone before me, who took on the hard work of clearing the path that many of us now follow. It was also made possible through the work of many gender activists (transsexual, transgender, queer, and feminist) who have helped to create a little cultural wiggle room, gender-wise, for all of us over the years. While I spend a good deal of this book critiquing the views put forward by past feminists and transgender and queer activists, it’s not because I don’t appreciate the work these previous generations have carried out. It’s simply that I believe that this new and very different time and place requires very different strategies of gender activism. Having said that, most of the ideas that I put forward in this book were developed on the foundation that these earlier writers and activists have built, and for that I am grateful.A second privilege that I would like to acknowledge, as it has greatly shaped the ideas in this book, is what many in the trans community call “passing privilege.” This privilege (one that most cissexual people take for granted) allows me to be accepted in my identified gender, to move through the world without constantly having to correct people’s use of pronouns, deflect their unwanted stares, or have them harass me because of my gender difference. For me, this privilege mostly stems from my size—it is the flip side of the same coin that made my life as male so difficult to manage, as I grappled with gender difference both in regard to being trans and because I was inevitably the smallest guy in any room that I entered.