Gratitude

Passages

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• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  My own sensationalistic account has derived most aid and comfort from the writings of Hering, A. W. Volkmann, Stumpf, Leconte, and Schön. All these authors allow ample scope to that Experience which Berkeley's genius saw to be a present factor in all our visual acts. But they give Experience some grist to grind, which the soi-distant 'empiristic' school forgets to do. Stumpf seems to me the most philosophical and profound of all these writers; and I owe him much. I should doubtless have owed almost as much to Mr. James Ward, had his article on Psychology in the Encyclopædia Britannica appeared before my own thoughts were written down. The literature of the question is in all languages very voluminous. I content myself with referring to the bibliography in Helmholtz's and Aubert's works on Physiological Optics for the visual part of the subject, and with naming in a note the ablest works in the English tongue which have treated of the subject in a general way.[295] CHAPTER XXI. THE PERCEPTION OF REALITY.[296] BELIEF. Everyone knows the difference between imagining a thing and believing in its existence, between supposing a proposition and acquiescing in its truth. In the case of acquiescence or belief, the object is not only apprehended by the mind, but is held to have reality. Belief is thus the mental state or function of cognizing reality. As used in the following pages, 'Belief' will mean every degree of assurance, including the highest possible certainty and conviction. There are, as we know, two ways of studying every psychic state. First, the way of analysis: What does it consist in? What is its inner nature? Of what sort of mind-stuff is it composed? Second, the way of history: What are its conditions of production, and its connection with other facts?

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  habitually given my authority for special experimental facts; but beyond that I have aimed mainly to cite books that would probably be actually used by the ordinary American college-student in his collateral reading. The bibliography in W. Volkmann von Volkmar's Lehrbuch der Psychologie (1875) is so complete, up to its date, that there is no need of an inferior duplicate. And for more recent references, Sully's Outlines, Dewey's Psychology, and Baldwin's Handbook of Psychology may be advantageously used. Finally, where one owes to so many, it seems absurd to single out particular creditors; yet I cannot resist the temptation at the end of my first literary venture to record my gratitude for the inspiration I have got from the writings of J. S. Mill, Lotze, Renouvier, Hodgson, and Wundt, and from the intellectual companionship (to name only five names) of Chauncey Wright and Charles Peirce in old times, and more recently of Stanley Hall, James Putnam, and Josiah Royce. HARVARD UNIVERSITY, August 1890. PSYCHOLOGY CHAPTER I. THE SCOPE OF PSYCHOLOGY. Psychology is the Science of Mental Life, both of its phenomena and of their conditions. The phenomena are such things as we call feelings, desires, cognitions, reasonings, decisions, and the like; and, superficially considered, their variety and complexity is such as to leave a chaotic impression on the observer. The most natural and consequently the earliest way of unifying the material was, first, to classify it as well as might be, and, secondly, to affiliate the diverse mental modes thus found, upon a simple entity, the personal Soul, of which they are taken to be so many facultative manifestations. Now, for instance, the Soul manifests its faculty of Memory, now of Reasoning, now of Volition, or again its Imagination or its Appetite. This is the orthodox 'spiritualistic' theory of scholasticism and of common-sense. Another and a less obvious way of unifying the chaos is to seek common elements in the divers mental facts rather than a common agent behind them, and to explain them constructively by the various forms of arrangement of these elements, as one explains houses by stones and bricks. The 'associationist' schools of Herbart in Germany, and of Hume, the Mills and Bain in Britain, have thus constructed a psychology without a soul by taking discrete 'ideas,' faint or vivid, and showing how, by their cohesions, repulsions, and forms of succession, such things as reminiscences, perceptions, emotions, volitions, passions, theories, and all the other furnishings of an individual's mind may be engendered. The very Self or ego of the individual comes in this way to be viewed no longer as the pre-existing source of the representations, but rather as their last and most complicated fruit. Now, if we strive rigorously to simplify the phenomena in either of these ways, we soon become aware of inadequacies in our method. Any particular cognition, for example, or recollection, is accounted for on the soul-theory by being referred to the spiritual faculties of Cognition or of Memory. These faculties themselves are

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  We were visiting a hospital one Friday and were privileged to witness a special meeting. Each week one staff member received what they called the Grace Under Fire trophy, a fire hose mounted on a block of wood. The award was brought out to much applause, and was given from peer-to-peer as a way to recognize something admirable that a staff member had done during the week. In the case we watched, a nurse had nominated a fellow staff member who had taken one of her weekend shifts. The scheduled eight hours had turned into twelve as the ER filled up, but the substitute kept her cool. In presenting the award, the nominating nurse not only expressed her deep appreciation, but spoke about core values like dependability and teamwork. The team’s manager later told us that this Friday ritual has not only added a touch of fun but has elevated everyone’s behavior and strengthened relationships. The award presentation was fast (followed by well-deserved snacks), and yet it reinforced in a powerful way what the staff members valued the most: keeping cool under pressure while helping each other. Turn Doubts into AssuranceAs we have visited worksites like this and talked with leaders throughout the world, we have found some other practical methods whereby gratitude can turn doubts into assurance. Method 1: Make Gratitude Clear, Specific, and SincereGeneric comments around the workplace such as “great work” have never cut it, especially when it comes to reassuring anxious team members. Employees hear such nonspecific praise and tend to dismiss it, especially those who may be feeling self-doubt. Instead, grateful leaders home in on a particular aspect of an achievement or manner in which a person is going about their work. For instance, “Nice job on that report” is good, and certainly better than saying nothing. But better yet would be to say something to the effect of “I love how your report provides a short narrative to go along with the numbers. That overview of the market and our place in it was very helpful when we had to explain the findings to the executive team. Nice job.” Carlos Aguilera, director of Avis Budget Group’s premium brand strategy, is one of the best managers we’ve seen at making gratitude specific to the company’s values. When we met him, he was general manager of the Dallas Fort Worth Airport location, and his team’s pre-shift meetings would always kick off with specific gratitude. He’d ask: “Okay, who saw someone doing something great yesterday?” One day we were with Aguilera when a shift supervisor suggested Delana should be singled out.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  An employee of ours once said she wanted to become an audiologist working with children. While we thought it was a noble goal, we couldn’t find a way to fit her training on that skill into our company needs. She ended up going to school in the evenings, and our support came in the form of giving her time off early a few days a week. [image "images" file=Image00003.jpg] Next, after an employee starts to learn and acquires enough proficiency in the new skill to potentially help the team, a manager will find avenues to apply it. The employee will then contribute the new skill to helping the organization. Next, if the employee is making an effort and the skill is starting to make the team better, it’s necessary for the manager to reward the behavior through gratitude and encourage continued learning. The manager will also provide coaching to ensure alignment with the company and team needs, and to offer any further help that’s needed to grow and remove obstacles. Finally, it comes time to realign and consider what’s next. If the skill has been of benefit to the employee and the team, the employee may continue utilizing it and gaining more knowledge. If the manager or employee come to realize the skill is not a good fit, they may stop and try something new, or the employee may work on the skill on personal time. If the worker hasn’t quite mastered the skill yet, the manager and employee may work together to continue progressing. Anthony shared an example. When he was working at the University of Utah School of Medicine’s Andrology and Epigenetics Research Lab, his leader Dr. Kenneth (Ki) Aston suggested Anthony’s usefulness would be enhanced if he learned R programming, used to perform statistical data analysis. “I said I would try, but I wasn’t confident,” Anthony said. “Ki told me how valuable it could be for me. He set a goal and gave me the time and resources to learn. He also assigned one of the doctoral students to help me stumble through the learning process and understand how it all applied to the experiments we were running in the lab.” The doctoral student patiently watched as Anthony typed out code. “She could have input it in minutes; but if I had just watched her code, I wouldn’t have learned. As I was typing, she would teach me, ‘That part of the code tells the program to create categories, and this one labels the categories.’ So I learned how the coding would affect other experiments. “From there, she let me enter values and datapoints to really make sure I got a chance to master what she’d shown me. She never did the work for me, and she didn’t expect me to be able to magically replicate what she did.” Within a few weeks, Anthony was proficient enough to help run analyses for several experiments.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  In literary terms, a semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence but chose not to. It is used to pause—to take a breath—but another phrase always follows, one that can stand alone and independent of the first. For Parrie, and many more, that punctuation mark has become a symbol of the fight to continue writing their story with anxiety or any other mental health issue. She talks about a daily struggle to overcome the duality of her carefully crafted outward appearance of success versus her inward battle against perceived failure. Today, the semicolon has become one of the most popular tattoos in ink shops from Peoria to Paris. It symbolizes the concept of “before and after.” For those who suffer from anxiety overload, and for those leaders who watch over teams of human beings, the semicolon might symbolize a next step in all our progression. We aren’t suggesting any of us run to the closest ink shop and roll up our sleeves, but we are hoping that we all consider what entrenched behaviors we might be holding on to as leaders that are negatively affecting us, and those around us; then, we should take a breath and consider a new path using a few of the ideas we’ve shared in this book. In the world before , discussing subjects like anxiety was taboo, including and accommodating those who didn’t fit the mold too much work, biases and judgment all too common. In the world after , individualism will be valued; needless, harmful anxiety lessened; and those who struggle accepted with compassion. We hope you agree that it’s time to punctuate. AcknowledgmentsWe thank our agent Jim Levine, who grasped how important this topic could be and supported us from day one. Similarly, we were touched by the enthusiasm for the work of our editors Hollis Heimbouch and Rebecca Raskin of Harper Business. We owe a debt of gratitude to our critical reader Emily Loose, and we thank Christy Lawrence, who arranged many of the interviews and spent countless hours transcribing. Appreciation goes to our team at FindMojo.com: Paul Yoachum, Lance Garvin, Brianna Bateman, Bryce Morgan, Tanner Smith, Asher Gunsay, Garrett Elton, Mark Durham, and Jaren Durham. We thank Mark Fortier and Norbert Beatty, our publicists, and Brian Perrin and his team at Harper Business marketing. And we appreciate all those who are quoted herein; we were enriched by your wisdom.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  Finally, we are so thankful to our families for their support: to Jennifer, who has kept this project moving with her enthusiasm and profound insights. And to Heidi and to Cassi and Braeden; Carter, Luisa, Lucas Chester, and Clara Iris; Brinden; and Garrett and Maile. NotesSources quoted in Anxiety at Work are from firsthand interviews with the authors unless noted below. Chapter 1: The Duck Syndrome In a 2018 survey, 34 percent of workers : The citation is from an American Psychological Association survey of 3,458 adults, quoted in the Wall Street Journal , “The Most Anxious Generation Goes to Work,” by Sue Shellenbarger, May 9, 2019. The statistic indicating 18 percent of adults have an anxiety disorder is from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America website “Facts & Statistics” backed up by the American Psychiatric Association statistics on its Center for Workplace Mental Health website and the article “Anxiety Disorders: Why They Matter and What Employers Can Do.” Harvard Medical School research claimed : The research and quote are from the Harvard Health Publishing article “Mental Health Problems in the Workplace,” February 2010. workplace anxiety is estimated to cost some $40 billion : The $40 billion statistic is found in the Health.com article “How to Relieve the Acute Discomfort of Anxiety Disorders,” posted on February 29, 2016; the $300 billion statistic is in the Healthline article “Stress Costs U.S. $300 Billion Every Year,” by Gillian Mohney, January 15, 2018; and the 600 billion euros statistic in Europe is from the Euroactiv.com article “Mental Health Issues Cost EU Countries More Than €600 Billion,” by Beatriz Rios, November 29, 2018. According to a 2019 study published in the Harvard Business Review : The data on young people leaving jobs for mental health reasons comes from CNBC, “Half of Millennials and 75% of Gen-Zers Have Left Jobs for Mental Health Reasons,” by Cory Stieg, October 8, 2019. says Michael Fenlon, chief people officer for PricewaterhouseCoopers : Michael Fenlon is summarized from the Wall Street Journal article “The Most Anxious Generation Goes to Work,” by Sue Shellenbarger, May 9, 2019. 90 percent judged it would be a bad idea to confide their situation : The statistic is from the theladders.com article “The Surprising Group Has the Most Workplace Anxiety,” by C. W.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  It was awarded by one team member to another in recognition of the other’s contribution to rolling up sleeves and helping out during the week. The new recipient then had a week to decide who would receive the trophy next. The effect: It caused everyone to come to the Thursday meeting asking themselves if they’d done enough to help other team members, and they got to consider all the things that others on the team had done to help them. The leader also initiated rules to help enhance inclusion. For example, all emails between team members would be responded to within twenty-four hours (Monday to Friday), team members wouldn’t interrupt each other during discussions, and the group would commit to a no-meeting Friday schedule (so they could get work done or use vacation time). Finally, knowing that many of her new team members might stress about how they were performing in this new setting, she spent time at the end of each day sending specific feedback notes to her people to help them know that she knew about the work they were doing and valued their contributions. One of her employees we interviewed told us that within just a few weeks, he felt bonded to his new team members. He also said that while in prior teams he had been focused almost exclusively on his own performance, he was now considering daily how he could contribute to the overall success of the group. The thoughtful inclusion tactics by the manager helped anyone feel that they were valued as part of the team. Method 2: Find a Common CoreFor teams we are asked to work with that are struggling to mesh strong personalities, we find the journey from exclusion to connection can be complex and has to be founded on shared values. We had a chance to interview Mitt Romney not long after he retired from Bain Capital and before his election as Massachusetts governor and his run for president. We were most interested in his work helping launch the investment firm that today has more than $100 billion under management. He confessed that at one point in its early days, the Bain Capital partners were eyeing the door with what he called “intractable conflicts.” In a last-ditch effort to save the firm, six of the founders agreed to attend a weeklong program that reportedly had helped other teams. “It was worth a try,” Romney recalled. The extent of the team dysfunction became evident in one of the early sessions. Each member was asked to openly and honestly describe the things he would change in each of the other individuals.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  She had noticed one of her customers wearing a knee brace and, without being asked, called an attendant in the back and asked for the customer’s rental car to be brought up front so the person wouldn’t have to walk through the lot. The story took only thirty seconds to tell, and we noted the energy in the pre-shift huddle starting to build. Best of all, Delana knew that her managers were paying attention and grateful of her attention to detail. Aguilera presented her with an on-the-spot award. “And we make sure each accomplishment is posted on the bulletin board,” Aguilera told us later. It was the little things like this that kept his people energized. He was trusted, communicated well, and spent an inordinate amount of time with his high-potential people. When we studied Aguilera, he had the highest employee engagement scores in the entire twenty-six-thousand-person company. And what he learned to do can be replicated. Method 2: Match Gratitude to MagnitudeWe certainly encourage managers to recognize small accomplishments on a regular basis. But when a team member does something big, leaders need to make sure gratitude is commensurate with the accomplishment. When a reward for an achievement is not aligned with the impact, it might do more harm than good. “In the past, one department had implemented a program where they gave a ten-dollar gift certificate to recognize extra effort and say thank you,” said Shari Rife, manager of creative process and facilitation for Rich Products Corporation, a $4 billion food company in Buffalo, New York. It didn’t matter what action was being recognized; the recognition remained the same. “It was very informal, without much criteria surrounding it,” she told us. “And it caused real frustration with associates because someone who cleaned out the supply cabinet was recognized in the same way as someone who implemented a huge project. Because they both got the same gift card, it actually became de-motivating.” When leaders align rewards with the level of achievement, they help those who are anxious make more positive assumptions about their work. For small steps forward, verbal praise or a note of thanks is appropriate, but bigger achievements require a tangible reward presented in a timely manner. These include actions that bring a financial benefit to the organization, save or win a big client, improve a major process, or make the organization better in a substantial way.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  Take the example of Madalyn Parker, who, when we became aware of her story, worked for Olark, a Michigan-based software company. Parker is a talented software developer and explained that she suffers from chronic anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Every now and then she needs to take some time to focus on her well-being. After several nights of insomnia, Parker had sent an email to her team saying she’d be out of the office for a few days to focus on her mental health. The next day, she opened her inbox to find a flood of supportive missives. One that caught her eye was from company CEO Ben Congleton. “I can’t believe this is not a standard practice at all organizations,” read part of his email. “You are an example to us all . . . and help cut through the stigma so we can all bring our whole selves to work.” Said Parker, “I was absolutely touched. It brought tears to my eyes. It was surprising to be applauded for my vulnerability.” Strong, caring leaders like Congleton can do a lot to help, making a huge difference for not only those who suffer but everyone on their teams. More leaders are beginning to understand the issues surrounding mental health and are truly caring about their employees’ well-being. They are creating work environments where goals such as “happy” and “healthy” are taken just as seriously as sales quotas or customer satisfaction. Derek Lundsten, president and CEO of LifeGuides, told us, “It’s time to build a bridge between the old model where employees left their problems at the door and a new world where we set time and space aside for those conversations to take place.” We aren’t there yet. It will take a new way of thinking; maybe even a new way of punctuating. Heather Parrie, a Missouri accountant, is the type of person whose accomplishments used to fill up her Facebook page. A few years ago, she was hit with something unexpected. Burdened with the weight of expectations and relentlessly comparing herself to successful friends, she began to crumble. In the grips of self-doubt, anxiety, and depression, she started sleeping up to twenty hours a day. She canceled plans with friends, skipped work, and preferred to stay wrapped in a safe cocoon of blankets. She ended up being let go from her job, which just made things worse. Even in her darkest moments, when she felt she’d never get out of bed, Parrie managed to conceal her inner battle from friends and family. After battling alone for many months, she began finding help with therapy, medication, and opening up to those she loves. She described her reasons for getting a tattoo of a semicolon.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  They communicated the pending challenges with employees and displayed a commitment to try to retrain workers, not wanting to abandon the knowledge and passion their people had. Since 2013, AT&T has spent some $250 million each year on employee education and professional development programs, not to mention more than $30 million annually on tuition assistance. By 2018 the company estimated that half of its employees were actively engaged in acquiring skills for newly created roles. People who’d been retrained were filling half of all technology management jobs and received half of all promotions. Network support specialist Jacobie Davis has been with AT&T for more than twenty years in a variety of positions from sales to 911-line maintenance. Given the transition to a software focus at the company, he repositioned his skills to earn a spot as a product development engineer in cloud-based test environments. He said, “It’s really hard to describe the vast difference between the things we’re moving toward and the types of legacy technology I’ve been working on. It’s like night and day.” (We introduce a Skill Development Model to help with this process in Chapter 4 .) Here’s a company that understood that huge layoffs would undermine trust in management, trust that was necessary for employee engagement, innovation, and performance. Since the inception of this talent overhaul, and in large part by communicating truthfully with and retraining its workforce, from 2013 through 2019 AT&T increased revenue from $129 billion to $181 billion, reduced its product-development cycle time while accelerating time-to-revenue, and even made Fortune ’s 100 Best Companies to Work For list for the first time. If executives at a company aren’t employing an honest and clear approach like this, team leaders may have limits about what they can share to help reduce uncertainty, but within those limits we find there’s much they can do. In an interview we conducted with Columbia Business School professor Rita McGrath, she said this involves managers trying to absorb as much uncertainty as possible, instead of pushing it onto their people (admittedly this might increase managers’ own anxiety levels somewhat, but leaders typically can accept a lot more risk than their people). McGrath cited an example of a product development team at an insurance company she was working with. As background, insurance in America is regulated state by state, so whether a new product can be launched in a particular state depends on the state regulatory committee. The project lead, Bill, asked his contact in operations, Todd, if his team would be ready to launch the new product they had been developing, but Todd hemmed and hawed. Dr.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  Sara Algoe, associate professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Her research has found a substantial link between gratitude and employee efficiency and productivity. “Gratitude is important for forming and maintaining the most important relationships of our lives, those with the people we interact with every day,” she says. Her work shows employees who express and receive gratitude at work are also more likely to volunteer for tasks, step up to accomplish hard things, and work better as a part of a team. Furthermore, her research shows that leaders who regularly offer gratitude are scored higher by their team members on measured attributes of compassion, consideration, empathy, and (gasp) even love. We aren’t talking here about general praise that has little meaning, e.g., “Good work, team.” We like to remind leaders that if you can say it to a dog, it’s not gratitude. No, what we are talking about is gratitude offered to another person with sincerity and specificity for what they’ve contributed. When anyone accepts such thanks, neurotransmitters in the brain release dopamine and serotonin, which are responsible for a good mood. By consciously practicing gratitude, we can strengthen these neural pathways and create a physiological superhighway to harmony within our team members. Chris Schembra, author of Gratitude and Pasta , has hosted hundreds of gratitude intervention dinners in New York City, where companies can better engage with their clients or employees. At each of the 7:47 Club dinners (the time the meal starts), Chris asks his guests the same question: “If you could give credit and thanks to one person in your life, who you don’t give enough credit or thanks to, who would that be?” Schembra told us, “People often walk into our dinners feeling lonely, unfulfilled, disconnected, insecure. They listen to others share the stories from their past about their mothers, fathers, dogs, third-grade teachers, ex-girlfriends. They realize they’re not as alone as they thought. Everybody can relate to a mother, whether she deserted them or nurtured them; a grandpa who took them to soccer practice. By sharing our histories we decrease anxiety.” The 7:47 Club’s research director Madeline Haslam points to the vital role of leaders in setting an example with gratitude. In 1961, Albert Bandura at Stanford University conducted what has become known as the Bobo doll experiment. The professor filmed adults behaving aggressively toward a Bobo doll, an inflatable clown that bounces back up after being pushed or punched. A test group of children later watched the videos and were placed in a room with the doll; other children watched no video. “If the children saw adults beating up the doll, they displayed much more physical aggression to the doll than the control group,” said Haslam. “This observational learning does not just happen with children.

• From Anxiety at Work: 8 Strategies to Help Teams Build Resilience, Handle Uncertainty, and Get Stuff Done

  Method 4: Provide Gratitude to High-Flyers, TooAs leaders spread gratitude around their teams, it’s common for them to realize that there’s great value in not only rewarding big wins, but regularly praising achievements that meet expectations. We believe Chloe, who we introduced in Chapter 1 , needed this kind of reinforcement that her work was valued. Yet some managers take this socialism of gratitude to extremes and begin to worry that everyone is treated fairly and that no one gets hurt feelings. While giving everyone a chance to shine is important—and leaders need to ensure that all team members are acknowledged for their unique achievements on a regular basis—it’s also vital not to hold back with high achievers. Offering appreciation is not just about strengthening those that may lack confidence, it’s also about reinforcing the work of those who seem to have plenty of confidence, those who are constantly going above and beyond. In many cases, managers don’t want to be seen as playing favorites or fawning over their “stars.” The leader of an engineering design team told us he learned a lesson about this the hard way. Jennifer, he said, was “by far my most innovative and productive designer.” The problem was, he didn’t want to give Jennifer too much praise because she was always so good. “Frankly, Jeff worked right next to Jennifer, and I didn’t want him to feel bad.” The manager also knew Jennifer was confident in her abilities and decided she probably didn’t need that many pats on the back. But it turned out that she, like most people, wanted to know her work was truly appreciated. “Over time I think Jennifer felt undervalued,” the manager said, reporting that “she left for a competitor a while ago.” When we asked if Jeff was still there, the manager chuckled sadly. Of course. Jeff wasn’t going anywhere. The bottom line: Gratitude is an anxiety reliever; and it can serve as the oxygen in the room that fuels engagement for all team members—especially for high achievers who are often gratitude sponges. Method 5: Keep Gratitude Close to the ActionTo help quell anxious feelings, gratitude should occur soon after an achievement. When team members do something above and beyond and then hear nothing from their manager for days or weeks, they can start to worry. To be recognized later is of some consequence, but frankly, in 99 percent of cases, when managers put it off, they forget. If leaders want to reinforce the right behaviors, they should keep gratitude close to the action—soon after they see good things happening. Gratitude also must be frequent.

• From Sex at Dawn (2010)

  There would be no Sex at Dawn without the insight, encouragement, and patience of our families, especially Frank, Julie, and Beth Ryan, Joana and Manel Ruas, Alzira Remane, Celestino Almeida, and Danial Jethá. Stephen Lang and Henriette Klauser were incredibly generous in helping us put together a convincing book proposal. Our agent, Melissa Flashman, spent countless hours guiding us through the transition from proposal to manuscript. Unlike most agents, she kept reading and offering wise counsel throughout the entire publishing process, for which we are sincerely grateful. Many thanks to Ben Loehnen, our editor at HarperCollins, who believed in the book from the get-go (even while no doubt discreetly disagreeing with some of its content), and assistant editor Matthew Inman, for his rapid-response professionalism. Lisa Wolff did a first-class copyedit, catching more than a few potentially embarrassing mistakes. Those that snuck through or that we slipped in later are nobody’s fault but our own. Frank Ryan (WBE), Stanton Peele, Stanley Krippner, Julie Holland, Britt Winston, and Steve Mason masochistically read and re-read early drafts of the entire messy manuscript. Their comments were sadistically honest, which is exactly what we needed. In addition to their crucial scholarship, Robert Sapolsky, Todd Shackelford, Helen Fisher, Daniel Moses, and Frans de Waal contributed scarce free time to review parts of the manuscript. Finally, we thank the following people (in random order) for the many kinds of support and encouragement they’ve given us: Michael and Mireille Lang, Brian O’Hare, Marta Cervera, Dorothianne Henne, Octavi de Daniel, Adam Mendelson, Richard Schweid, David Darnell, Señor Manolo Reyes, Matt Dondet, Mark Plummer, Cybele Tom, Sean Doyle, Santiago Suso, Victoria Ribera, Antonio Berruezo, Eric Patterson, Don Cooper, Martijn van Duivendijk, Peggy and Raul Rossel, Nacho and Leo Valls-Jové, Celine Salvans, Carmen Palomar Lopez, Anamargarita Otero-Robertson, Viram, Voodoo, Maria da Luz Venâncio Guerreiro, Joäo Alves Falcato, Mario Simões, and Steve Taylor. Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality USA $25.99 “Turns everything you thought you knew about sex on its head. A bold and unashamed assessment of the plentiful scientific data that illuminate the true origins and nature of human sexuality. Funny, engaging, and superbly written, Sex at Dawn explores the science behind what many of us suspected all along: human beings are not naturally monogamous.” –Julie Holland, MD author of Weekends at Bellevue Since Darwin’s day, we’ve been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. Mainstream science—as well as religious and cultural institutions—has maintained that men and women evolved in families in which a man’s possessions and protection were exchanged for a woman’s fertility and fidelity. But this narrative is collapsing. Fewer and fewer couples are getting married, and divorce rates keep climbing as adultery and flagging libido drag down even seemingly solid marriages. How can reality be reconciled with the accepted narrative? It can’t be, according to renegade thinkers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. While debunking almost everything we “know” about sex, they offer a bold alternative explanation in this provocative and brilliant book.

• From Sex at Dawn (2010)

  A partial list would include the Aché, the Araweté, the Barí, the Canela, the Cashinahua, the Curripaco, the Ese Eja, the Kayapó, the Kulina, the Matis, the Mehinaku, the Piaroa, the Pirahã, the Secoya, the Siona, the Warao, the Yanomami, and the Ye’kwana—societies from Venezuela to Bolivia. This is no ethnographic curiosity, either—a strange idea being passed among related cultures. The same understanding is found among cultural groups that show no evidence of contact for millennia. Nor is partible paternity limited to South America. For example, the Lusi of Papua New Guinea also hold that fetal development depends on multiple acts of intercourse, often with different men. Even today, the younger Lusi, who have some sense of the modern understanding of reproduction, agree that a person can have more than one father. As Beckerman and Valentine explain, “It is difficult to come to any conclusion except that partible paternity is an ancient folk belief capable of supporting effective families, families that provide satisfactory paternal care of children and manage the successful rearing of children to adulthood.” 3 When an anthropologist working in Paraguay asked his Aché subjects to identify their fathers, he was presented with a mathematical puzzle that could be solved only with a vocabulary lesson. The 321 Aché claimed to have over six hundred fathers. Who’s your daddies? It turns out the Aché distinguish four different kinds of fathers. According to the anthropologist Kim Hill, the four types of fathers are: Miare : the father who put it in; Peroare : the fathers who mixed it; Momboare: those who spilled it out; and Bykuare : the fathers who provided the child’s essence. 4 Rather than being shunned as “bastards” or “sons of bitches,” children of multiple fathers benefit from having more than one man who takes a special interest in them. Anthropologists have calculated that their chances of surviving childhood are often significantly better than those of children in the same societies with just one recognized father. 5 Far from being enraged at having his genetic legacy called into question, a man in these societies is likely to feel gratitude to other men for pitching in to help create and then care for a stronger baby. Far from being blinded by jealousy as the standard narrative predicts, men in these societies find themselves bound to one another by shared paternity for the children they’ve fathered together. As Beckerman explains, in the worst-case scenario, this system may provide extra security for the child: “You know that if you die, there’s some other man who has a residual obligation to care for at least one of your children. So looking the other way or even giving your blessing when your wife takes a lover is the only insurance you can buy.” 6 Lest any readers feel tempted to file this sort of behavior under B.A.D. (Bizarre And Distant), similar examples can be found quite close to home.

• From Anna Karenina (1877)

  And who should be in the trap but Vassenka himself, with his Scotch cap, and his songs and his gaiters, and all, sitting in the hay. 'If only you'd ordered out the carriage! But no! and then I hear: "Stop!" Oh, I thought, they've relented. I look out, and behold a fat German being sat down by him and driving away . . . And my new shoes all for nothing! . . .' XVI D ARYA A LEXANDROVNA carried out her intention and went to see Anna. She was sorry to annoy her sister and to do anything Levin disliked. She quite understood how right the Levins were in not wishing to have anything to do with Vronsky. But she felt she must go and see Anna, and show her that her feelings could not be changed, in spite of the change in her position. That she might be independent of the Levins in this expedition, Darya Alexandrovitch sent to the village to hire horses for the drive; but Levin learning of it went to her to protest. 'What makes you suppose that I dislike your going? But, even if I did dislike it, I should still more dislike your not taking my horses,' he said. 'You never told me that you were going for certain. Hiring horses in the village is disagreeable to. me, and, what's of more importance, they'll undertake the job and never get you there. I have horses. And if you don't want to wound me, you'll take mine.' Darya Alexandrovna had to consent, and on the day fixed Levin had ready for his sister-in-law a set of four horses and relays, getting them together from the farm and saddle-horses—not at all a smart-looking set, but capable of taking Darya Alexandrovna the whole distance in a single day. At that moment, when horses were wanted for the princess, who was going, and for the midwife, it was a difficult matter for Levin to make up the number, but the duties of hospitality would not let him allow Darya Alexandrovna to hire horses when staying in his house. Moreover he was well aware that the twenty roubles that would be asked for the journey were a serious matter for her; Darya Alexandrovna's pecuniary affairs, which were in a very unsatisfactory state, were taken to heart by the Levins as if they were their own.

• From Anna Karenina (1877)

  If I could take from off you all these petty, humiliating cares . . . I understand that a woman's word, a woman's superintendence is needed. You will intrust it to me?' Silently and gratefully Alexey Alexandrovitch pressed her hand. 'Together we will take care of Seryozha. Practical affairs are not my strong point. But I will set to work. I will be your housekeeper. Don't thank me. I do it not from myself…' 'I cannot help thanking you.' 'But, dear friend, do not give way to the feeling of which you spoke— being ashamed of what is the Christian's highest glory: he who humbles himself shall be exalted. And you cannot thank me. You must thank Him, and pray to Him for succour. In Him alone we find peace, consolation, salvation, and love,' she said, and turning her eyes heavenwards, she began praying, as Alexey Alexandrovitch gathered from her silence. Alexey Alexandrovitch listened to her now, and those expressions which had seemed to him, if not distasteful, at least exaggerated, now seemed to him natural and consolatory. Alexey Alexandrovitch had disliked this new enthusiastic fervour. He was a believer, who was interested in religion primarily in its political aspect, and the new doctrine which ventured upon several new interpretations, just because it paved the way to discussion and analysis, was in principle disagreeable to him. He had hitherto taken up a cold and even antagonistic attitude to this new doctrine, and with Countess Lidia Ivanovna, who had been carried away by it, he had never argued, but by silence had assiduously parried her attempts to provoke him into argument. Now for the first time he heard her words with pleasure, and did not inwardly oppose them. 'I am very, very grateful to you both, for your deeds and for your words,' he said, when she had finished praying. Countess Lidia Ivanovna once more pressed both her friend's hands. 'Now I will enter upon my duties,' she said with a smile after a pause, as she wiped away the trace of tears. 'I am going to Seryozha. Only in the last extremity I shall apply to you.' And she got up and went out. Countess Lidia Ivanovna went into Seryozha's part of the house, and dropping tears on the scared child's cheeks, she told him that his father was a saint and his mother was dead. Countess Lidia Ivanovna kept her promise. She did actually take upon herself the care of the organisation and management of Alexey Alexandrovitch's household.

• From Anna Karenina (1877)

  'I see that my presence is irksome to you. Painful as it is to me to believe it, I see that it is so, and cannot be otherwise. I don't blame you, and God is my witness that on seeing you at the time of your illness I resolved with my whole heart to forget all that had passed between us and to begin a new life. I do not regret, and shall never regret, what I have done; but I have desired one thing—your good, the good of your soul—and now I see I have not attained that. Tell me yourself what will give you true happiness and peace to your soul. I put myself entirely in your hands, and trust to your feeling of what's right.' Stepan Arkadyevitch handed back the letter, and with the same surprise continued looking at his brother-in-law, not knowing what to say. This silence was so awkward for both of them that Stepan Arkadyevitch's lips began twitching nervously, while he still gazed without speaking at Karenin's face. 'That's what I wanted to say to her,' said Alexey Alexandrovitch, turning away. 'Yes, yes . . .' said Stepan Arkadyevitch, not able to answer for the tears that were choking him. 'Yes, yes, I understand you,' he brought out at last. 'I want to know what she would like,' said Alexey Alexandrovitch. 'I am afraid she does not understand her own position. She is not a judge,' said Stepan Arkadyevitch, recovering himself. 'She is crushed, simply crushed by your generosity. If she were to read this letter, she would be incapable of saying anything, she would only hang her head lower than ever.' 'Yes, but what's to be done in that case? how explain, how find out her wishes?' 'If you will allow me to give my opinion, I think that it lies with you to point out directly the steps you consider necessary to end the position.' 'So you consider it must be ended?' Alexey Alexandrovitch interrupted him. 'But how?' he added, with a gesture of his hands before his eyes not usual with him. 'I see no possible way out of it.' 'There is some way of getting out of every position,' said Stepan Arkadyevitch, standing up and becoming more cheerful. 'There was a time when you thought of breaking off . . . If you are convinced now that you cannot make each other happy…' 'Happiness may be variously understood. But suppose that I agree to everything, that I want nothing: what way is there of getting out of our position?' 'If you care to know my opinion,' said Stepan Arkadyevitch with the same smile of softening, almond-oil tenderness with which he had been talking to Anna. His kindly smile was so winning that Alexey Alexandrovitch, feeling his own weakness and unconsciously swayed by it, was ready to believe what Stepan Arkadyevitch was saying.

• From The City of God

  497 is quite a revolutionary idea. God has already done everything for us; the ancient anxieties about sacrifice, about what is the right kind of sacrifice, are answered for Augustine by God’s own action. Now, what are we called to do in return? Well, not nothing, but not quite what we have been expecting, either. There’s no payback, but there is participation. We are called on to go deeper into God, into God’s love, deeper into being the creatures we were always meant to be. Much of the time, Augustine thought, “This God is, quite literally, too good for humans to believe in.” What to do about that? Well, God has graciously offered us routes into believing—through our participation in the church, the body of Christ, which is itself one of the gifts that God has given us to help us get to God. And we do this going deeper within the church, importantly by loving one another, and loving the world, and working out works of compassion and charity—misericordia and caritas. Thus, for Augustine, this form of religion is as thoroughly a form of ethics as of piety. To know God, then, is to participate in God; and to participate in God is to love God’s Creation. Of course, there are many, many more themes. But these are some of the largest ones, and they go some way to explaining why he calls this book, as he does, The City of God, and why he started the work with the words gloriosissimam—most glorious. We live in a political world, although we do not know the true meaning either of politics or of world today, and the community that helps us learn both of those words’ true meanings—the church—is only there because of God’s loving action. And we need that community, under God’s gracious tutelage, just because we are the kinds of creatures that we are. More deeply though than all of this, all of Augustine’s work in this book points to one larger theme, what we can sort of call a meta- theme—the theme of language change, conversion, and wisdom. Remember, one of the first things I said, in maybe the first lecture, Lecture 23 Transcript—The City of God as a Single Book

• From Cults Inside Out: How People Get In and Can Get Out (2014)

  Hopefully this book will make a difference and stimulate more critical analysis, research, and education about destructive cults. Others may also find this work compelling and begin a journey of their own. That is the purpose of this book—to build on the information we have and share it in such a way that others may continue the ongoing educational process. Educating and thus helping people to be free of cults can be both a personally fulfilling experience and a purposeful, professional life. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I’m deeply grateful for the many people who have made my journey of exploration concerning the world of cults and this book possible. Rabbi Albert Plotkin, the first community leader who responded to my questions about cults, was a tireless, ecumenical organizer. He inspired my earliest efforts as an anticult activist and community organizer. Annette Daum was the director of the department of interreligious affairs for the Union for Reform Judaism. She brought me to New York, and her pioneering work in the field of cult education further informed my understanding of the cult phenomenon. Lois Tuchler, executive director of Jewish Family & Children’s Service of Greater Phoenix, provided me the opportunity to professionally coordinate community programs. She impressed on me that success is measured not just by direct results but also by contributions to change. Priscilla Coates, executive director of the Cult Awareness Network, was an icon of information about cults. Her focus on the importance of recalling and archiving historical facts about destructive cults was a key inspiration in my work. Priscilla’s piercing insights provided the basis for a better understanding of cult tragedies. Aaron Scholar, executive director of the Bureau of Jewish Education of Greater Phoenix, urged me to create and teach classes about cults to better prepare young people. He understood that education is the best hope of protecting young people from cults that frequently recruit on college campuses across the United States. Margaret Singer, eminent cult expert and psychologist, was required reading and a friend. Her dry wit and sage advice were indispensable. She was there at the very beginning of the modern cult era and served as a member of the advisory board of the Cult Education Institute, formerly known as the Ross Institute of New Jersey. Margaret understood the educational potential and importance of the Internet. She foresaw that it would become a key component of cultic studies. Flo Conway and Jim Siegelman, authors of Snapping: America’s Epidemic of Sudden Personality Change and Holy Terror: The Fundamentalist War on America’s Freedoms in Religion, Politics, and Our Private Lives , first inspired me through their books and public appearances and later as good friends. I’m deeply grateful for their help regarding this book. Flo and Jim were a pivotal influence in sorting through and organizing the structure of the book. They also helpfully reviewed the chapters concerning the definition of a destructive cult and cult brainwashing. Their feedback made this a better book.

• From House of Holes: A Book of Raunch (2011)

  “Thank you for the lovely concert of Russian piano music,” Luna said. [image "decoration" file=image_rsrc2SW.jpg] Pendle Interviews for a Job [image "decoration" file=image_rsrc2SX.jpg] Pendle read about nuclear waste in The Rooster while he was waiting for the woman at the burrito store to make his burrito and wrap it in foil and put it in a paper bag so that he could go home and eat it while listening to the rest of a Scientific American podcast on the physiology of romance. In the Rooster personals an ad caught his eye. It said, “ARE YOU able to enter an alternative universe? ARE YOU friendly? CAN YOU interview people about their sexual experiences? Good money, pleasant living quarters, must like naked people and be willing to relocate.” There was a small round black circle at the bottom of the ad—no address or phone given. Pendle peered closely at the ad, and suddenly he felt a powerful air current pulling his hair and the whole of his head downward. He was vacuumed down into the black circle. He lost consciousness for a moment, and when he came to he was in Lila’s office. Lila was the director of the House of Holes. She was large and pretty in bifocals, about fifty, with lots of loose light-brown hair. Pendle told her that he was there about the job in The Rooster. “Ah, we filled that position yesterday,” said Lila. “But just for the heck of it, why don’t you give me a sample of your interview technique.” “I’d probably just say, ‘So tell me what happened.’ People seem to open up to me. It’s been true my whole life. I don’t know why, exactly.” “It’s your eyebrows, I think,” said Lila. “I see a forgivingness and a directness there. Now what if you were a client and I interviewed you? What if I said, ‘Be honest, why are you here?’ ” “I guess I’m here to see women naked.” “This is an unusual place, and it’ll cost you a lot of money,” said Lila. “I mean a lot, lot, lot of money.” “That’s too bad,” said Pendle, “because right now I don’t have a lot of money.” “Maybe you better come back when you do,” said Lila. “How much money do I need?” “How much nakedness do you want? Be honest. So few people are able to tell the truth.” “Let’s see.” Pendle took a deep breath and then poofed it all out. “I think I need twenty-four horny nude women at the same time.” “Twenty-four?” said Lila. “I don’t often tell people this, but you know that a man can really only handle one horny nude woman at a time. Maybe two. Even with two, it’s like that trick where you have to circle your head and pat your stomach. Do you want to reconsider? Think.”