Gratitude

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Sister Outsider (1984)

  Eventually, if we speak the truth to each other, it will become unavoidable to ourselves. * An abbreviated version of this essay was published in Essence , vol. 14, no. 6 (October 1983). I wish to thank the following women without whose insights and support I could not have completed this paper: Andrea Canaan, Frances Clayton, Michelle Cliff, Blanche Wiesen Cook, Clare Coss, Yvonne Flowers, Gloria Joseph, Adrienne Rich, Charlotte Sheedy, Judy Simmons and Barbara Smith. This paper is dedicated to the memory of Sheila Blackwell Pinckney, 1953–1983. ** From a poem by Dr. Gloria Joseph. * Unpublished paper by Samella Lewis. * From “Letters from Black Feminists, 1972–1978” by Barbara Smith and Beverly Smith in Conditions: Four (1979). * From The I Ching . ** From “Nigger” by Judy Dothard Simmons in Decent Intentions (Blind Beggar Press, P.O. Box 437, Williamsbridge Station, Bronx, New York 10467, 1983). * From The I Ching . * This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color edited by Cherríe Moraga and Gloria Anzaldua (Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press, New York, 1984). * From The I Ching . * From “Every Woman Ever Loved A Woman” by Bernice Johnson Reagon, song performed by Sweet Honey in the Rock. * From The I Ching .

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  That first real sexual lesson was back in 1985 and to this day, it was the best latte I ever had. There was one particular move Bryan showed me that I can honestly say has never failed me. And all the women in my seminars who have tried it on their men say exactly the same thing. I call it “Ode to Bryan,” in memory of my dear friend Bryan who has since passed away. (You’ll find out precisely how the “Ode to Bryan” is done in Chapter 6.) There is no way I could have imagined what kind of impact that conversation with Bryan would have on my life. I certainly never dreamed it would turn into a career. But the transformation in my way of being with and relating to men was profound. It provided me with the confidence I needed to explore my own sexuality. For a long time, I kept the information to myself. It wasn’t intentional; I guess I just didn’t realize or think about how many other women could relate to the same frustrations when it came to sexual know-how. One night in 1993 while visiting with a couple of girlfriends, I got to talking with them about sex, our love lives, and men in general. Somewhere in the midst of the conversation, one of them mentioned that the sex had not been everything she had hoped it would be between her and her fiancé. The problem, she said, was hers. Here she was, about to get married, and she had little confidence in her sexual ability beyond intercourse. She was reluctant to try anything at which she might fail. My other friend empathized, sheepishly admitting that she didn’t know exactly what to do, either. They both said lack of knowledge made them feel awkward and inhibited in bed. But what were they going to do? There wasn’t a place where women who valued their reputations and self-respect could go to learn sexual techniques. Yes, there is, I told them, wondering to myself if Bryan was looking down from heaven at that moment. Right here. I got out three spoons and began to talk. I showed them everything Bryan had shown me, and added a few moves I’d come up with myself. We laughed until the wee hours of the morning, exchanging ideas and sexual anecdotes about all the wrong information we’d gotten in the past. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to follow. Within a week I got phone calls from both of my friends, saying that the things I showed them that night had actually led to dramatic improvements in their sex lives already! They referred to me as The Kama Lou Tra and said I should consider going into the business of teaching nice women about sex.

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  We will do what we can. The greater the damage is to the bone, soft tissues, nerves, and blood vessels, the higher the risk for infection. And since you were dragging yourself all over the house…” I lean my head back because the room is spinning. I wonder if I’ll remember any of this when the effects of the tequila clear. “It’s the best I could do,” he says. I know it is. He hands me a mug with a spoon sticking out of it. I take it, peering inside. He picks up his own mug. “What is it?” there is a lumpy looking yellow fluid in the cup. It looks disgusting, but my stomach clenches in anticipation anyway. “Creamed corn.” He sticks the spoon in his mouth, sucks it dry. I follow suit. It’s not nearly as bad as it looks. I have hazy memories of grabbing the can the night before, the way it dug into my hip as I climbed the ladder. “Take it slow,” Isaac warns. I have to force myself not to down the whole mug in one gulp. My hunger pain subsides ever so slightly, and I am able to focus solely on the other pain my body is feeling. He hands me four large white pills. “It’ll just dim it, Senna.” “Okay,” I whisper, letting him drop them in my hand. He hands me a cup of water and I drop all four pills into my mouth. “Isaac,” I say. “Please rest.” He kisses my forehead. “Hush.” When I wake up the room is warm. I’ve noticed that the highlight of most of my days here are waking up and going to sleep. It’s what I remember most about The Caging of Senna and Isaac : wake up; go to sleep; wake up; go to sleep. There is little in between to make a difference; we wander … we eat … but mostly we sleep. And if we’re lucky it’s warm when we wake. Now there is a new sensation—pain. I look around the room. Isaac is asleep on the floor a few feet away. He has a single blanket covering him. It’s not even long enough to cover his feet. I want to give him my blanket, but I don’t know how to stand up. I groan and lean back against the pillows. The painkillers have worn off. I am hungry again. I wonder if he’s eaten, if he’s okay. When did this happen? When did my thoughts shift to Isaac’s needs? I stare at the ceiling. That’s the way it happened with Nick. It started out with him loving me, him being obsessed with me; then, all of a sudden … osmosis. The minute I started freely loving Nick he left me. Three times a day Isaac makes a trip down to the well to get food and restock our wood.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  death in 578 by his uncle Abu Tâlib, who had two wives and ten children, and, though poor and no believer in his nephew’s mission, generously protected him to the end. He accompanied his uncle on a commercial journey to Syria, passing through the desert, ruined cities of old, and Jewish and Christian settlements, which must have made a deep impression on his youthful imagination. Mohammed made a scanty living as an attendant on caravans and by watching sheep and goats. The latter is rather a disreputable occupation among the Arabs, and left to unmarried women and slaves; but he afterwards gloried in it by appealing to the example of Moses and David, and said that God never calls a prophet who has not been a shepherd before. According to tradition—for, owing to the strict prohibition of images, we have no likeness of the prophet—he was of medium size, rather slender, but broad-shouldered and of strong muscles, had black eyes and hair, an oval-shaped face, white teeth, a long nose, a patriarchal beard, and a commanding look. His step was quick and firm. He wore white cotton stuff, but on festive occasions fine linen striped or dyed in red. He did everything for himself; to the last he mended his own clothes, and cobbled his sandals, and aided his wives in sewing and cooking. He laughed and smiled often. He had a most fertile imagination and a genius for poetry and religion, but no learning. He was an "illiterate prophet," in this respect resembling some of the prophets of Israel and the fishermen of Galilee. It is a disputed question among Moslem and Christian scholars whether he could even read and write.154 Probably he could not. He dictated the Koran from inspiration to his disciples and clerks. What knowledge he possessed, he picked up on the way from intercourse with men, from hearing books read, and especially from his travels. In his twenty-fifth year he married a rich widow, Chadijah (or Chadîdsha), who was fifteen years older than himself, and who had previously hired him to carry on the mercantile business of her former husband. Her father was opposed to the match; but she made and kept him drunk until the ceremony was completed. He took charge of her caravans with great success, and made several journeys. The marriage was happy and fruitful of six children, two sons and four daughters; but all died except little Fâtima, who became the mother of innumerable legitimate and illegitimate descendants of the prophet. He also adopted Alî, whose close connection with him became so important in the history of Islâm. He was faithful to Chadijah, and held her in grateful remembrance after her death.155 He used to say, "Chadijah believed in me when nobody else did." He married afterwards a number of wives, who caused him much trouble and scandal.

• From Between Us

  Her enthusiasm, her vision, and her incisive edits have helped the book along. I learned a lot from her in the process. I am particularly grateful to three scholars, whose close engagement in the writing process made this book possible. Hazel Markus, my mentor and cultural psychologist at Stanford University, sandwiched her critical feedback on every single chapter with love. She encouraged me to reach out to my American audience, and to connect my research with real societal questions and problems. Gert Storms, linguistic psychologist at my own university, read every chapter, offering reassurance in his understated European way, and pointing out my inconsistencies and errors (as Europeans do when they feel close enough to care). Finally, Owen Flanagan, philosopher of mind at Duke University, generously shared his astute mind, his incredible command of the literature, and his wisdom about the process of writing books. Our continued dialogue and friendship sustained me during the writing of this book and gave me confidence. I thank my parents for teaching me the vital importance of accommodating a diversity of perspectives. Their personal histories showed me that intolerance can kill, and they carried the value of tolerance close at heart, practicing what they preached. I thank them for encouraging me to be an independent, critical thinker. I would have liked to show my dad, Albert Gomes de Mesquita, “that book of yours”; he did not live to see it. I thank my mom, Lien de Jong, for her sustained support, her unconditional love, her interest and involvement in the book, and for showing vicarious pride. I thank my family and close friends for having been not only supportive and curious, but also patient during the writing of this book. I specifically thank Mat Aguilar, Ton Broeders, Sytse Carlé, Waldo Carlé, Ulli D’Oliveira, Debbie Goldstein, Daniël Gomes de Mesquita, Diane Griffioen, Mieke Hulens, Roos Kroon, Renée Lemieux, Arjeh Mesquita, Ada Odijk, Jacqueline Peeters, Reshmaa Selvakumar, Paul Van Hal, Ewald Verfaillie, Michael Zajonc, Daisy Zajonc, Donna Zajonc, Jonathan Zajonc, Krysia Zajonc, Lucy Zajonc, Peter Zajonc, and Joe Zajonc. All my love and gratitude goes to Benny Carlé, who has been on my side during the ups and downs of the writing process. He is not the fictive husband I describe in Chapter 4 , who was late for dinner without notifying me. Instead, Benny spiced up my days with delicious dinners and conversations about the world beyond the book. I dedicate this book to my children, Oliver and Zoë Zajonc. I love you so much.

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  No one involved in the writing or publishing of this book is a physician, mental health professional, or licensed sex therapist, although members of those professions have been consulted on certain issues. Consult with a physician if you have any condition which precludes strenuous or sexually exciting activity. Further consult a physician or licensed sex therapist before attempting any sexual act that you are unfamiliar with, or do so at your own risk. Neither Lou Paget nor Broadway Books nor any of their associates shall be liable or responsible to any person or entity for any loss, damage, injury, or ailment caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly, by the information or lack of information contained in this book. AcknowledgmentsI asked a many-times-published friend, “What is the best thing about writing a book?” He responded, “Doing the acknowledgments and dedication pages.” You know what? He was right. THE SUPPORT TEAM To Dede, Lisa, and Michelle, without whom I couldn’t have stayed the course. To Sherry, Katerena, Carolynn, Tammy, and Buffy—the other ladies in my family, for their unending, uncomplicated, and sweet, sweet support. Jessica Kalkin, Matthew Davidge, Ariel Sotolongo my “HCB”, Maura McAniff, Rebecca Clemons, Priscilla Wallace, Sandra Beck, Gail Harrington, Raymond Davi, Jay Rosen, Alan Cochran, Michael Levin, Peter Greenberg, Kendra King, Joyce Lyons, Nance Mitchell, Stacy Rozsa, Peter Redgrove, Elizabeth Hall, Morley Winnick, Marianne Huning, Bob Linn, T. J. Rozsa, Greg Pryor, Marsha and Wayne Williams, Mark Helm, and all at Women’s Referral Service (WRS). THE CREATIVE TEAM Joan S., who gave me the idea and insisted I do it. Catherine McEvily Harris and Billie Fitzpatrick, who took my voice and masterfully turned it into words. Debra Goldstein: an agent like you is every author’s dream. Lauren Marino: THE editor. The Buddha-like calm in the middle of the storm. She has one of the best laughs. Ann Campbell, assistant editor, and Nancy Peske, copy editor. All at Broadway Books and Creative Culture. THE RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT TEAM Penelope Hitchcock, DVM, Jacqueline Snow, MN, CNP, Eric Daar, MD, Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, Bryce Britton, MS, Ron McAllister, PhD, Nancy Breuer, Lynne Gabriel, Uri Peles, MD, Dennis Paradise, Norm Zafman, Shannon Foley. ContentsCover Title Page Copyright Dedication Acknowledgments Chapter One THE KAMA LOU TRA How I Came to Teach the Sexuality Seminars Chapter Two BEYOND THE BEDROOM Creating Your Sensual Environment Chapter Three THE ART OF KISSING A Kiss Is Never Just a Kiss Chapter Four SAFETY IS ESSENSUAL Chapter Five TO LUBE OR NOT TO LUBE? There Is No Question Chapter Six GIVE THAT MAN A HAND Mastering Manual Stimulation Chapter Seven BLOWING HIS … MIND! Every Woman’s Guide to Great Oral Sex Chapter Eight THE OUTER LIMITS Only for the Sexually Adventurous Chapter Nine COMING TOGETHER AT LAST The Magic of Intercourse Chapter Ten PEARLS AND OTHER PASSIONATE PLAYTHINGS Discover the Pleasure of Toys One Final Word Bibliography Sources: Where You Can Get the Toys

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  Sorry I have so many tattoos. I hope I can still go to Heaven. Cindy Fisher, the best mother in the world. Our mansions will all sit in the shadow of yours. Stephen King, thank you for teaching me how to write. You’re a goddam genius. My friend and assistant, Serena Knautz, you are shrewd as a snake and harmless as a dove. You put love into action. I adore you. Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations, you are a true artist. This is the most beautiful cover I have ever seen. The vision was all you. Marie Piquette, my editor, I, am, sorry, I, use, so, many, comma’s. Christine Estevez for always being on my team. The blogging Jedi: Molly Harper of Tough Critic Book Reviews, Aestas Book Blog, Maryse’s Book Blog, Vilma’s Book Blog, Bec’s of Sinfully Sexy Book Reviews, Madison Says Book Blog and Shh Mom’s Reading Book Blog. Each of you gives blogging a different flavor. I appreciate each one of your voices and the time you take promoting my books. Vilma, that was the most beautiful review I’ve ever read. I’d also like to thank Madison Seidler, Luisa Hansen, Yvette Huerta, Rebecca Espinoza and my little Nina Gomez for their input and friendship. Jonathan Rodriguez for assuring me every day that I’m a genius (even though I can’t do fractions). Tosha Khoury, I am so blessed to have you. You get me. You get what I write. I don’t know anyone who believes in my books more than you. Amy Tannenbaum, my tiny, tough, agent. My vicious PLN army/gang, I love you! Sundae Coletti, Jennifer Stiltner, Robin Stranahan, Dyann Tufts, Robin Segnitz, Amy Holloway, Krystle Zion, Sandra Cortez, Nelly Martinez de Iraheta, Monica Martinez, Sarah Kaiser, Chelsea Peden McCrory, Dawnita Kiefer, Miranda Howard, Courtney Mazal, Yoss, Kristin McNally, Tre Hathaway, Shelly Ford, Maribel Zamora, Maria Milano, Fizza Hussain, Brooke Higgins, Paula Roper, Joanna Hoffman Dursi, Marivett Villafane, Amy Miller Sayler, and my favorite Kristy Garner. I wish I could list you all. Since publishing my first book, I have met so many people who made me view the world differently. There is none more rare and precious than Colleen Hoover. She is a light shining in darkness. Thank you for loving Mud Vein, and for recognizing our red thread. You have no heart, and you have the biggest heart. And finally, to the God who says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I live for you, mud vein and all. Nothing happens for weeks. We develop a routine, if you can call it that. It’s more of a day-to-day stay sane and survive kind of thing. I call it Sanity Circulation. When you’re caged up you need somewhere to send your hours, or you start getting prickly, like when you sit in the same position for too long and your legs get pins and needles.

• From How to Be a Great Lover (1999)

  Finally, at my wit’s end, I decided to go straight to the source: enter my dear friend, Bryan. The truth of the matter was that the forever love I mentioned earlier and I had long since broken up, but I was optimistic that at some point in my life, I’d get another crack at love and romance. And I wanted to be ready. I could talk to Bryan about anything, and his being gay meant that the subject wasn’t the least bit dangerous for either of us. In other words, there was no chance of his leering at me and saying, “I’ll show you, baby.” He empathized with my problem and wanted to point me in the right direction. Over several cups of café latte at his house, Bryan asked me what it was that I wanted to know, and why I hadn’t asked my boyfriend what he wanted in bed. I said to him, “Bryan, how can you ask for what you want to know, when you don’t even know what that is?” I told him that I was comfortable with my knowledge about intercourse, but it was the other stuff men liked that I wanted more information on. The more information I have, the higher my comfort level, and the higher my comfort level, the more confidence I have. I knew that with more knowledge on oral and manual techniques, I’d be able to express my love more creatively, and in a way that better represented the depth of my feelings. Bryan didn’t laugh or make fun of me. All he said was, “Then you’ve got to know one thing: for me, the key to great sex is in the foreplay.” He explained that when it comes to making love, intercourse is just the tip of the iceberg, and that the foundation of amazing lovemaking lies in foreplay. That’s where the great lovers are separated from the mediocre ones. This made sense to me. I knew foreplay was the key to exciting sex for women, so why shouldn’t that be true for men? As we sat in his house over lattes, Bryan picked up his spoon and told me to do the same with mine. Pretending it was a penis, he showed me what feels good to men. He explained which areas of the penis are extra sensitive, requiring a gentle touch, as well as those areas where more pressure should be applied for maximum results. He also showed me some creative things to do with my hands, tongue, and throat that would create a variety of sensations in just the right places. Bryan’s explanations were clear and logical. The great part was that I soon found they didn’t suffer in the translation from spoon to penis.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  The number of saints and their festivals multiplied very rapidly. Each nation, country, province or city chose its patron saint, as Peter and Paul in Rome, St. Ambrose in Milan, St. Martin, St. Denys (Dionysius) and St. Germain in France, St. George in England, St. Patrick in Ireland, St. Boniface in Germany, and especially the Virgin Mary, who has innumerable localities and churches under her care and protection. The fact of saintship was at first decided by the voice of the people, which was obeyed as the voice of God. Great and good men and women who lived in the odor of sanctity and did eminent service to the cause of religion as missionaries or martyrs or bishops or monks or nuns, were gratefully remembered after their death; they became patron saints of the country or province of their labors and sufferings, and their worship spread gradually over the entire church. Their relics were held sacred; their tombs were visited by pilgrims. The metropolitans usually decided on the claims of saintship for their province down to A.D. 1153.519 But to check the increase and to prevent mistakes, the popes, since Alexander III. A.D. 1170, claimed the exclusive right of declaring the fact, and prescribing the worship of a saint throughout the whole (Latin) Catholic church.520 This was done by a solemn act called canonization. From this was afterwards distinguished the act of beatification, which simply declares that a departed Catholic Christian is blessed (beatus) in heaven, and which within certain limits permits (but does not prescribe) his veneration.521 The first known example of a papal canonization is the canonization of Ulrich, bishop of Augsburg (d. 973), by John XV. who, at a Lateran synod composed of nineteen dignitaries, in 993, declared him a saint at the request of Luitolph (Leuthold), his successor in the see of Augsburg, after hearing his report in person on the life and miracles of Ulrich. His chief merit was the deliverance of Southern Germany from the invasion of the barbarous Magyars, and his devotion to the interests of his large diocese. He used to make tours of visitation on an ox-cart, surrounded by a crowd of beggars and cripples. He made two pilgrimages to Rome, the second in his eighty-first year, and died as an humble penitent on the bare floor. The bull puts the worship of the saints on the ground that it redounds to the glory of Christ who identifies himself with his saints, but it makes no clear distinction between the different degrees of worship. It threatens all who disregard this decree with the anathema of the apostolic see.522

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  To comprehend the importance of validation in peak eroticism, keep in mind the role of self-doubt in the sexual scenarios that most excite us. One function of our CETs is to help us demonstrate our worth and desirability and counteract lingering negative beliefs about ourselves. Part of the reason peak sex is so deeply satisfying is that it gives a potent boost to our self-esteem, as it clearly did for Raoul. You’ve no doubt seen popular caricatures in which a post-orgasmic lover inquires, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” We may be too sophisticated to make such a blatant request for approval, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want it. MUTUALITY AND RESONANCEModern books about sexual problems and enhancement warn of the dangers of assuming that your partner knows how, where, and when you like to be touched. Sex therapists, usually an unflappahle bunch, cringe when they hear their clients express two commonly held beliefs: “If you loved me you would know what to do” and “If I have to ask for it I don’t want it.” Such beliefs are setups for disappointment and frustration. Nevertheless, chances are you’ve had such thoughts yourself despite knowing, at least intellectually, that they’re unrealistic. An important reason for the persistence of such thinking is the fact that you’ve probably had encounters—and certainly fantasies—in which your partner knows, as if by magic, exactly what pleases you. More often than not, peak encounters have at least some of this quality of perfectly meshing timing, touch, and rhythm. About a quarter of The Group’s encounters and a fifth of their favorite fantasies specifically mention this sense of being highly in tune with their partners—I call it mutuality and resonance. These are the sorts of comments they make: “We were on the same wavelength.” “Everything I wanted she wanted too.” “He read my body like a book.” “It was as if my every secret desire was obvious.” “Our movements were perfectly synchronized.” “I played him like a violin and he loved it.” Women are significantly more likely than men to mention mutuality when describing their peak encounters (33 percent of women compared to 19 percent of men). Women are also more inclined to make mutuality a component of their fantasies (24 percent of women versus 17 percent of men). Lesbians are the most likely of all to refer to resonating with their partners, mentioning it in 45 percent of their encounters and in half of their fantasies. Women are taught, directly or indirectly, that the right man will know more about her sexuality than she does. Outside the sexual arena, girls and young women learn to place a high value on being sensitive and responding to the needs of others. Both factors contribute to women’s propensity to look for reciprocation with a perfectly matched partner. Alice, now age forty-nine, recalls an experience from eight years earlier in which synchronized movements produced an exquisite nonverbal resonance:

• From Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (2007)

  Needless to say, if I did not “pass” on a regular basis, I probably would have written a much different book. For better or for worse, I have found that the fact that people tend to experience me as female before they learn that I’m transsexual helps make it easier for me to defuse or debunk their misconceptions about transsexuality and gender. It forces them to consider (often for the first time in their lives) how their own expectations and assumptions greatly shape they way they perceive gender in other people. While I often exploit the fact that I “pass” in order to bring into question the way that people project gender stereotypes onto other people’s behaviors and bodies, I am also aware that this can be a double-edged sword, one that could inadvertently lead to the perspectives of trans people who “pass” trumping or drowning out the views of those who do not. Similarly, the fact that other privileges that I experience (e.g., that I am white, middle-class, able-bodied, etc.) remain largely unmarked in this book could lead others to mistakenly assume that my rather specific perspective is somehow representative of the entire trans community. That would be a grave error. All trans people have different insights into gender, insights that arise out of the unique combination of privileges and life histories that we each bring to the table. Each of us has a somewhat different take on being trans, and all of our voices need to be heard before we can even begin to develop any kind of overarching understanding of what it means to be transsexual. Therefore, I hope that people who read this book will see it not as the “definitive statement” on transsexuality or trans womanhood, but rather as simply one piece of a much larger project that involves many other people. I want to thank everyone in the San Francisco Bay Area spoken word and queer/trans performance communities, who offered me much love, support, and the opportunity to read and perform my work when I first began writing. I also want to thank everyone I met at Camp Trans when I attended in 2003 and upon becoming more involved in the organization in 2004. It was during those experiences that I first began to give some thought to the ways that trans women are viewed and treated very differently (both in straight and queer culture) from our FTM spectrum counterparts; that recognition was the germ that eventually grew into this project. I also want to thank Bitch magazine for publishing “Skirt Chasers: Why the Media Depicts the Trans Revolution in Lipstick and Heels”—the essay that in many ways became the starting point for this book—in their Fall 2004 issue (no. 26). Special thanks to Rachel Fudge, my editor on that piece, and to Lisa Jervis and Andi Zeisler, for later including the piece in their BITCHfest anthology. Other pieces included in this collection have also previously appeared elsewhere.

• From Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (2007)

  There are a number of them, but the one privilege that I believe has most influenced this project is one of time and place. I had the invaluable experience of transitioning in the early 2000s in the San Francisco Bay Area, one of the trans-friendliest places on the planet. While I certainly wouldn’t describe my transition as a “cakewalk,” I was able to change my lived sex without losing my job, my housing, my wife, my family and friends, and so on. Nearly everybody in my life gave me the benefit of the doubt, the space to grow, the opportunity to change my physical sex without feeling like I had to revamp my entire personality or start from scratch in a brand-new life someplace else. While I thank my family, friends, and coworkers for the support and understanding they’ve given me, I also realize that my experience—my relatively nontraumatic transition, that is—is a relatively recent phenomenon, one that did not generally exist even a decade or two ago. My experience was only made possible due to the countless transsexuals who have gone before me, who took on the hard work of clearing the path that many of us now follow. It was also made possible through the work of many gender activists (transsexual, transgender, queer, and feminist) who have helped to create a little cultural wiggle room, gender-wise, for all of us over the years. While I spend a good deal of this book critiquing the views put forward by past feminists and transgender and queer activists, it’s not because I don’t appreciate the work these previous generations have carried out. It’s simply that I believe that this new and very different time and place requires very different strategies of gender activism. Having said that, most of the ideas that I put forward in this book were developed on the foundation that these earlier writers and activists have built, and for that I am grateful.A second privilege that I would like to acknowledge, as it has greatly shaped the ideas in this book, is what many in the trans community call “passing privilege.” This privilege (one that most cissexual people take for granted) allows me to be accepted in my identified gender, to move through the world without constantly having to correct people’s use of pronouns, deflect their unwanted stares, or have them harass me because of my gender difference. For me, this privilege mostly stems from my size—it is the flip side of the same coin that made my life as male so difficult to manage, as I grappled with gender difference both in regard to being trans and because I was inevitably the smallest guy in any room that I entered.

• From The Strange Order of Things: Life, Feeling, and the Making of Cultures (2018)

  Cryan, eds., Microbial Endocrinology: The Microbiota-Gut-Brain Axis in Health and Disease (New York: Springer, 2014); Mayer, Mind-Gut Connection. 27.Doe-Young Kim and Michael Camilleri, “Serotonin: A Mediator of the Brain-Gut Connection,” American Journal of Gastroenterology 95, no. 10 (2000): 2698. 28.Timothy R. Sampson, Justine W. Debelius, Taren Thron, Stefan Janssen, Gauri G. Shastri, Zehra Esra Ilhan, Collin Challis et al., “Gut Microbiota Regulate Motor Deficits and Neuroinflammation in a Model of Parkinson’s Disease,” Cell 167, no. 6 (2016): 1469–80. 29.Sadness can certainly disturb health, but positive states such as gratitude appear to have the opposite effect. Gratitude is induced when we receive meaningful aid or support that is motivated by compassion and is associated with significant positive effects on health and quality of life. Recently, an fMRI study by my colleague Glenn Fox defined the neural correlates of gratitude, revealing that the reported experience of meaningful gratitude is correlated with brain activity in regions conventionally recognized as central to stress regulation, social cognition, and moral reasoning. This finding supports previous research showing that developing gratitude as a mental habit can improve health, which in turn underscores the idea of continuity between the mind and the body. See Glenn R. Fox, Jonas Kaplan, Hanna Damasio, and Antonio Damasio, “Neural Correlates of Gratitude,” Frontiers in Psychology 6 (2015); Alex M. Wood, Stephen Joseph, and John Maltby, “Gratitude Uniquely Predicts Satisfaction with Life: Incremental Validity Above the Domains and Facets of the Five Factor Model,” Personality and Individual Differences 45, no. 1 (2008): 49–54; Max Henning, Glenn R. Fox, Jonas Kaplan, Hanna Damasio, and Antonio Damasio, “The Positive Effects of Gratitude Are Mediated by Physiological Mechanisms,” Frontiers in Psychology (2017). 30.Sarah J. Barber, Philipp C. Opitz, Bruna Martins, Michiko Sakaki, and Mara Mather, “Thinking About a Limited Future Enhances the Positivity of Younger and Older Adults’ Recall: Support for Socioemotional Selectivity Theory,” Memory and Cognition 44, no. 6 (2016): 869–82; Mara Mather, “The Affective Neuroscience of Aging,” Annual Review of Psychology 67 (2016): 213–38. 31.Daniel Kahneman, “Experienced Utility and Objective Happiness: A Moment-Based Approach,” in Choices, Values, and Frames, eds. Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky (New York: Russell Sage Foundation, 2000); Daniel Kahneman, “Evaluation by Moments: Past and Future,” in ibid.; Bruna Martins, Gal Sheppes, James J. Gross, and Mara Mather, “Age Differences in Emotion Regulation Choice: Older Adults Use Distraction Less Than Younger Adults in High- Intensity Positive Contexts,” Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences (2016): gbw028.

• From Going Clear (2013)

  Richard Leiby has been writing about Scientology since the early 1980s, first for the Clearwater Sun and subsequently for the Washington Post. Richard Behar covered the subject in Forbes and most notably in his 1991 exposé for Time, “The Thriving Cult of Greed and Power.” Janet Reitman had unparalleled access to the church for her 2006 Rolling Stone article, “Inside Scientology,” which became a book of the same title in 2011. Chris Owen, an independent researcher, has written extensively about the church online and has revealed much of the information available about Hubbard’s wartime experiences. Tom Smith has conducted a number of knowledgeable interviews on his radio show, The Edge, broadcast by Hillsborough Community College in Tampa, Florida. Joe Childs and Thomas C. Tobin of the Tampa Bay Times (formerly the St. Petersburg Times) have written groundbreaking stories, especially about the abuse inside the church hierarchy. Tony Ortega has been writing about Scientology since 1995, for the Phoenix New Times, and he continued as a valuable resource in the pages and the blog of the Village Voice until his recent resignation. Several of these journalists have been harassed, investigated, sued, or threatened in various ways. I am the beneficiary of their skill and persistence. In the last decade, defectors from the Sea Org have provided a rich trove of personal accounts. These have taken the form of memoirs and blog postings, and they have accumulated into an immense indictment of the inner workings of the church. Among the memoirs I should single out are Marc Headley’s Blown for Good: Behind the Iron Curtain of Scientology (2009); Nancy Many’s My Billion Year Contract (2009); Amy Scobee’s Abuse at the Top (2010); and Jefferson Hawkins’s Counterfeit Dreams (2010). Kate Bornstein’s A Queer and Pleasant Danger (2012) provides an especially interesting account of the Apollo days. Websites devoted to challenging the church have proliferated, beginning with alt.religion.scientology [inactive] in 1991. Some of the most active are Andreas Heldal-Lund’s Operation Clambake at xenu.net; Steve Hall’s scientology-cult.com; Arnaldo Lerma’s lermanet.com; and the Ex Scientology Message Board, which is an online community for former members of the church, founded by “Emma” and now run by “Mick Wenlock and Ethercat.” Exscientologykids.org, started by Jenna Miscavige Hill, David Miscavige’s niece, among others, played an important role in Paul Haggis’s decision to leave the church. Although many of the postings on these websites are anonymous, they provide rich texture to a subculture that few outsiders can appreciate. One blog has become a rallying point for “independent” Scientologists who have renounced the official church: Marty Rathbun’s Moving on Up a Little Higher, which began in 2009.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  Mohammed made a scanty living as an attendant on caravans and by watching sheep and goats. The latter is rather a disreputable occupation among the Arabs, and left to unmarried women and slaves; but he afterwards gloried in it by appealing to the example of Moses and David, and said that God never calls a prophet who has not been a shepherd before. According to tradition—for, owing to the strict prohibition of images, we have no likeness of the prophet—he was of medium size, rather slender, but broad-shouldered and of strong muscles, had black eyes and hair, an oval-shaped face, white teeth, a long nose, a patriarchal beard, and a commanding look. His step was quick and firm. He wore white cotton stuff, but on festive occasions fine linen striped or dyed in red. He did everything for himself; to the last he mended his own clothes, and cobbled his sandals, and aided his wives in sewing and cooking. He laughed and smiled often. He had a most fertile imagination and a genius for poetry and religion, but no learning. He was an "illiterate prophet," in this respect resembling some of the prophets of Israel and the fishermen of Galilee. It is a disputed question among Moslem and Christian scholars whether he could even read and write.154 Probably he could not. He dictated the Koran from inspiration to his disciples and clerks. What knowledge he possessed, he picked up on the way from intercourse with men, from hearing books read, and especially from his travels. In his twenty-fifth year he married a rich widow, Chadijah (or Chadîdsha), who was fifteen years older than himself, and who had previously hired him to carry on the mercantile business of her former husband. Her father was opposed to the match; but she made and kept him drunk until the ceremony was completed. He took charge of her caravans with great success, and made several journeys. The marriage was happy and fruitful of six children, two sons and four daughters; but all died except little Fâtima, who became the mother of innumerable legitimate and illegitimate descendants of the prophet. He also adopted Alî, whose close connection with him became so important in the history of Islâm. He was faithful to Chadijah, and held her in grateful remembrance after her death.155 He used to say, "Chadijah believed in me when nobody else did." He married afterwards a number of wives, who caused him much trouble and scandal. His favorite wife, Ayesha, was more jealous of the dead Chadijah than any of her twelve or more living rivals, for he constantly held up the toothless old woman as the model of a wife.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  It was Hal Bennett, a talented writer, editor, and book consultant, who helped me resolve my blockage with his gentle wisdom. He also showed me how to shape complex material into a cohesive, accessible whole. When I ran into snags, he always knew how to nudge me back on track. Then Hal introduced me to Fred Hill, who became my agent. He was another find, a fact I realized when I overheard him describing the book far more succinctly than I could have done myself. Fred thought he knew exactly who would want to publish the book: HarperCollins’s editor-in-chief, Susan Moldow. Indeed she did and proceeded to perform editorial magic with uncommon understanding and respect for an author’s sensitivities. She also selected Nancy Nicholas, a gifted line editor from whom I learned so much about unnecessary words. As we were nearing the final round of revisions, Susan left HarperCollins and entrusted the book to Gladys Carr and Cynthia Barrett, both of whom made an eleventh-hour transition that could easily have been a nightmare into an opportunity. Their suggested refinements were right on the mark. Throughout it all I was blessed with cherished friends and family who, miraculously, maintained enthusiasm for my work in spite of the fact that I was often unavailable or preoccupied. My dearest friend, Scott Madover, both gave and endured the most. I doubt I can ever repay him adequately. Jack Morin, Ph.D. San Francisco ABOUT THE AUTHORJack Morin, Ph.D., has been studying the mysteries of Eros for nearly two dacades. He is a diplomate of the American Board of therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors COPYRIGHTA hardcover edition of this book was published in 1995 by HarperCollins Publishers. THE EROTIC MIND. Copyright © 1995 by Jack Morin, Ph.D. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks. First HarperPerennial edition published 1996. The Library of Congress has catalogued the hardcover edition as follows: Morin, Jack. The erotic mind: unlocking the inner sources of sexual passion and fulfillment / Jack Morin—1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-06-016975-3 1. Sexual excitement. 2. Sex (Psychology). I. Title. HQ21.M7945 1995 155.3’1—dc20 95-4944 ISBN-06-098428-7(pbk.) 04 05 06 07 08 [image file=image_rsrc3FK.jpg] /RRD 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 EPub Edition © OCTOBER 2012 ISBN: 9780062267474 ABOUT THE PUBLISHERAustralia HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd. Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia http://www.harpercollins.com.au Canada HarperCollins Canada 2 Bloor Street East – 20th Floor Toronto, ON, M4W, 1A8, Canada http://www.harpercollins.ca

• From In Search of Paul: How Jesus's Apostle Opposed Rome's Empire with God's Kingdom (2005)

  Julius Gaius, Praetor, Consul of the Romans, to the magistrates, council and people of Parium [the nearby island of Paros?], greeting. The Jews in Delos and some of the neighboring Jews, some of your envoys also being present, have appealed to me and declared that you are preventing them by statute from observing their national customs and sacred rites. Now it displeases me that such statutes should be made against our friends and allies and they should be forbidden to live in accordance with their customs and to contribute money to common meals and sacred rites, for this they are not forbidden to do even in Rome. For example, Gaius Caesar, our consular praetor, by edict forbade religious societies to assemble in the city, but these people alone he did not forbid to do so or to collect contributions of money or to hold common meals. Similarly do I forbid other religious societies but permit these people alone to assemble and feast in accordance with their native customs and ordinances. And if you have made any statutes against our friends and allies, you will do well to revoke them because of their worthy deeds on our behalf and their goodwill toward us. (14.213–6) Two general and two specific observations. Generally, the infringements on the Jews led them to appeal, and successfully at that, to the very highest level of power. And this letter illustrates Rome’s tolerant attitude toward foreign religions and their ancestral traditions. Specifically, the letter indicates that as part of their practices, Jews ate together, probably on those very benches, like the ones in Sarapeion A, excavated in their own synagogue. Further, the reference to “collecting contributions…for sacred rites,” which brings to mind that Sarapeion’s collection box and inscriptions commemorating benefaction, might well refer to the Jewish Temple tax, paid by Jews on an annual basis for maintenance of the Temple in Jerusalem. Not unexpectedly, that offering to their homeland Temple led some pagans to suspect Jewish loyalties to their local civic-religious duties.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  PREFACE This volume completes the history of the Church in the Middle Ages. Dr. Philip Schaff on one occasion spoke of the Middle Ages as a terra incognita in the United States,—a territory not adequately explored. These words would no longer be applicable, whether we have in mind the instruction given in our universities or theological seminaries. In Germany, during the last twenty years, the study of the period has been greatly developed, and no period at the present time, except the Apostolic age, attracts more scholarly and earnest attention and research. The author has had no apologetic concern to contradict the old notion, perhaps still somewhat current in our Protestant circles, that the Middle Ages were a period of superstition and worthy of study as a curiosity rather than as a time directed and overruled by an all-seeing Providence. He has attempted to depict it as it was and to allow the picture of high religious purpose to reveal itself side by side with the picture of hierarchical assumption and scholastic misinterpretation. Without the mediaeval age, the Reformation would not have been possible. Nor is this statement to be understood in the sense in which we speak of reaching a land of sunshine and plenty after having traversed a desert. We do well to give to St. Bernard and Francis d’Assisi, St. Elizabeth and St. Catherine of Siena, Gerson, Tauler and Nicolas of Cusa a high place in our list of religious personalities, and to pray for men to speak to our generation as well as they spoke to the generations in which they lived. Moreover, the author has been actuated by no purpose to disparage Christians who, in the alleged errors of Protestantism, find an insuperable barrier to Christian fellowship. Where he has passed condemnatory judgments on personalities, as on the popes of the last years of the 15th and the earlier years of the 16th century, it is not because they occupied the papal throne, but because they were personalities who in any walk of life would call for the severest reprobation. The unity of the Christian faith and the promotion of fellowship between Christians of all names and all ages are considerations which should make us careful with pen or spoken word lest we condemn, without properly taking into consideration that interior devotion to Christ and His kingdom - which seems to be quite compatible with divergencies in doctrinal statement or ceremonial habit. On the pages of the volume, the author has expressed his indebtedness to the works of the eminent mediaeval historians and investigators of the day, Gregorovius, Pastor, Mandell Creighton, Lea, Ehrle, Denifle, Finke, Schwab, Haller, Carl Mirbt, R. Mueller Kirsch, Loserth, Janssen, Valois, Burckhardt- Geiger, Seebohm and others, Protestant and Roman Catholic, and some no more among the living. It is a pleasure to be able again to express his indebtedness to the Rev. David E. Culley, his colleague in the Western Theological Seminary, whose studies in mediaeval history and accurate scholarship have been given to the volume in the reading of the manuscript, before it went to the printer, and of the printed pages before they received their final form. Above all, the author feels it to be a great privilege that he has been able to realize the hope which Dr. Philip Schaff expressed in the last years of his life, that his History of the Christian Church which, in four volumes, had traversed the first ten centuries and, in the sixth and seventh, set forth the progress of the German and Swiss Reformations, might be carried through the fruitful period from 1050–1517. David S. Schaff. The Western Theological Seminary, Pittsburg. [1]

• From The Strange Order of Things: Life, Feeling, and the Making of Cultures (2018)

  Cohen, “An fMRI Investigation of Emotional Engagement in Moral Judgment,” Science 293, no. 5537 (2001): 2105–8; Mark Johnson, Morality for Humans: Ethical Understanding from the Perspective of Cognitive Science (University of Chicago Press, 2014); L. Young, Antoine Bechara, Daniel Tranel, Hanna Damasio, M. Hauser, and Antonio Damasio, “Damage to Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex Impairs Judgment of Harmful Intent,” Neuron 65, no. 6 (2010): 845–51. 10. Cyprian Broodbank, The Making of the Middle Sea: A History of the Mediterranean from the Beginning to the Emergence of the Classical World (London: Thames & Hudson, 2015); Malcolm Wiener, “The Interaction of Climate Change and Agency in the Collapse of Civilizations ca. 2300–2000 BC,” Radiocarbon 56, no. 4 (2014): S1–S16; Malcolm Wiener, “Causes of Complex Systems Collapse at the End of the Bronze Age,” in “Sea Peoples” Up-to-Date, 43–74, Austrian Academy of Sciences (2014). 11. Karl Marx, Critique of Hegel’s “Philosophy of Right” (New York: Cambridge University Press, 1970). As noted earlier the ideas of social scientists such as Bourdieu, Touraine, and Foucault also lend themselves to translation in biological terms. 12. Assal Habibi and Antonio Damasio, “Music, Feelings, and the Human Brain,” Psychomusicology: Music, Mind, and Brain 24, no. 1 (2014): 92; Matthew Sachs, Antonio Damasio, and Assal Habibi, “The Pleasures of Sad Music: A Systematic Review,” Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 9, no. 404 (2015): 1–12, doi:10.3389/​fnhum.2015.00404. 13. From Antonio Damasio, “Suoni, significati affettivi e esperienze musicali,” Musica Domani , 5–8, no. 176 (2017). 14. Sebastian Kirschner and Michael Tomasello, “Joint Music Making Promotes Prosocial Behavior in 4-Year-Old Children,” Evolution and Human Behavior 31, no. 5 (2010): 354–64. 15. Panksepp, “Cross-Species Affective Neuroscience Decoding of the Primal Affective Experiences of Humans and Related Animals”; Henning et al., “A Role for mu-Opioids in Mediating the Positive Effects of Gratitude.” 16. The contradictions posed by cutting, anorexia, and morbid obesity are simpler to address. It is a fact that people can indulge in the cutting of their skin, a practice that qualifies as cultural because it can spread by imitation and has seemingly random distribution. It is possible that the best explanation for these phenomena concerns the pathological circumstances of the affected individuals made worse by an equally pathological cultural context. The same applies to online communities of so-called gainers, individuals who gather and encourage each other to consume large amounts of food with the purpose of gaining weight, watch the results in each other, and engage in sex. To some extent both examples qualify for an old-fashioned diagnosis: masochism. The practice of masochism does produce pleasure, a situation that corresponds to an upregulation of homeostasis. It so happens that the future, and ultimate costs of upregulation outweigh the gains, a physiological scenario not far from that of substance addictions. Pleasures give way to dependences and suffering. It is unlikely that such bizarre practices will be incorporated in biological evolution or be selected culturally beyond small groups. That the practices and groups even exist today testifies to the risks of fringe Internet communities. 17.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  But I try to set out in the concluding chapter what flows from this story of the emerging modern identity. Briefly, it is that this identity is much richer in moral sources than its condemners Preface • xi allow, but that this richness is rendered invisible by the impoverished p hilosophical language of its most zealous defenders. Modernity urgently n eeds to be saved from its most unconditional supporters-a predicament perhaps not without precedent in the history of culture. Understanding m odernity arig ht is an exercise in retrieval. I try to explain in my c onclusion why I think this exercise is important, even pressin g. This book has been a long time in preparation, and during this time I have benefited greatly from discussions with colleagues at All Souls College, in Oxford generally, and at McGill, Berkeley, Frankfurt, and Jerusalem, includ ing James Tully, Hubert Dreyfus, Alexander Nehamas, Jane Ru bin, Jurgen H abermas, Axel Honneth, Micha Brumlik, Martin Low-Beer, Hauke Brunk horst, Simone Chambers, Paul Rosenberg, David Hartman, and Guy Stroumsa. The invitation of Lawrence Freeman and the Benedictine Priory of Montreal to give the John Main Memorial Lectures provided an invaluable occasion to work out the picture of modernity that I am trying to assemble, a nd the discussions that followed were very helpful. But I could never have completed the project without the year I spent at the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton. I am very grateful to ·Clifford Gee rt z, Albe rt Hirschman, and Michael Walzer both for this y ear of research and for the valuable discussions we had during that time in the unequalled atmosphere of the Institute. I also want to thank the National Endowment for the Humanities, which provided the funds to make that year possible. I owe a debt of gratitude as well to the Canada Council for granting me an Isaak Killam Fellowship, which made it possible for me to take another year's leave. This proved to be crucial. My thanks go also to McGill University for a sabbatical, and to the Social Sciences and Humanities R esearch Council of Canada for a Sabbatical Leave Fellowship, which allowed me to complete the manuscrip t. I also want to express my thanks to McGill Universi ty for a research grant to help in reformatting the manuscript and in preparing the index. I am very grateful to Mette Hjort for her comments on the manuscript. I woul d like to thank Alba and Miriam for valuable suggestions, Karen and Bisia for putting me into contact with unfamiliar dimensions of existence, and Beata for her refreshing pragmatism. My th_anks go also to Gretta Taylor and M elissa Steele for their help in preparing the final version of the manuscript for publication, and to Wanda Taylor for proofreading and indexing. I a m grateful to Macmillan Publishing Compan y and to A. P. Watt Ltd., on b ehal f of Michael B.