Shame

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Boys & Sex (2020)

  Dylan and I sat on a park bench near his Northern California home, soaking up the late-winter sun. He stretched his legs out on the grass: he was six feet tall and weighed 185 pounds (I know because he told me so three times), with brown hair and frost-blue eyes. Although he was critical of the classic markers of masculinity—he ticked off financial success, athleticism, physical stature, sexual prowess, stoicism—he also aspired to them, which made him feel like a hypocrite. He spent at least two hours a day at the gym, trying to build bulk; sometimes, he said, he worked out until he could barely walk. When I asked what he was trying to achieve, he shrugged. “I don’t even know anymore,” he said. “I just keep doing it. The ceiling is never necessarily high enough for me, which is kind of a bad thing I guess.” Nor was he above bragging to friends about the “chicks” he’d hooked up with, though he drew the line at discussing sex with an actual girlfriend. “Because hooking up is impersonal,” he explained. “So you can just be like, ‘Oh, dude, she was so hot. I fucked her for, like, an hour.’” Aside from their tall tales (“It’s always about stamina with guys,” he said. “Always.”), he believed his friends were pretty skilled at hooking up. At least that’s what the girls tell him. “They’ll say, ‘Oh, he was so good,’” Dylan said. “And I take their word for it. I don’t know why they would lie about being satisfied.” Telling his friends what had happened to him was unthinkable, at least initially. Nor could he tell his parents. His mother, a devout Catholic, considered sex outside of marriage to be a mortal sin; being shit-faced was hardly an excuse. His father, an atheist, was more lenient, but their relationship was never close. “He’s this very stoic guy,” Dylan said, “very cold and unemotional, like a ‘man’s man’: the type who works all the time and is quietly dissatisfied. I feel like he’s not very happy, and that really hurts.” The one thing they do bond over is sports: Dylan’s dad was also a star athlete in high school and college; he drilled Dylan on soccer fundamentals every weekend for years, and they still kick the ball around on Saturday mornings. He could never tell a guy like that that he’d been assaulted. By a girl.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  Behind him, there was a cloth with a scene on it representing a parlour. Beside him was an armchair that he leaned on as he sang. He was quite alone. I had never seen him in costume and paint before. He was so unlike the figure I still saw, sometimes, in my dreams - the figure with the flapping shirt, the dampened beard, the hand on Kitty — that I looked at him, and frowned: my heart had barely twitched, to see him standing there.His voice was a mild baritone, and not at all unpleasant; there had been a burst of applause at his first appearance, and there was another round of satisfied clapping now, and one or two cheers. His song, however, was a strange one: he sang of a son that he had lost, named ‘Little Jacky’. There were a number of verses, each of them ending on the same refrain - it might have been, ‘Where, oh where, is Little Jacky now?’ I thought it queer he should be there, singing such a song, alone. Where was Kitty? I drew hard on my cigarette. I couldn’t imagine how she would fit into this routine, in a silk hat, a bow-tie and a flower ...Suddenly a horrible idea began to form itself in my mind. Walter had taken a handkerchief from his pocket, and was dabbing at his eye with it. His voice rose on the predictable chorus, and was joined by not a few from the hall: ‘But where, oh where, is Little Jacky now?’ I shifted in my seat. I thought, Let it not be that! Oh please, oh please, let the act not be that!But it was. As Walter called his plaintive question, there was a piping from the wing: ‘Here’s your Little Jacky, Father! Here!’ A figure ran on to the stage, and seized his hand and kissed it. It was Kitty. She was dressed in a boy’s sailor-suit - a baggy white blouse with a blue sash, white knickerbockers, stockings, and flat brown shoes; and she had a straw hat slung over her back, on a ribbon. Her hair was rather longer, and had been combed into a curl. Now the band struck up another tune, and she joined her voice with Walter’s in a duet.The crowd clapped her, and smiled. She skipped, and Walter bent and wagged a finger at her, and they laughed. They liked this turn. They liked seeing Kitty - my lovely, saucy, swaggering Kitty - play the child, with her husband, in stockings to the knee. They could not see me, as I blushed and squirmed; they would not have known why I did it, if they had. I hardly knew it, myself; I only felt myself smart with a terrible shame.

• From Pleasure Activism (2017)

  Still, that’s where being two-spirit and getting entrenched in two-spirit communities around the country has given me such confidence and so many resilience strategies.34 Not being very hairy, having long hair, singing, sewing, and crying are all traditional traits of many Native men. Some of these same traits and behaviors I do/have, and I’ve previously felt shame around these things in the Western transmasculine world.35 Even recognizing that I have two (likely more) spirits within me has helped me be less upset and more gracious when people make mistakes on my pronouns. But perhaps the most surprising and amazing aspect of my two-spirit identity within the mainstream trans world is that the more I am comfortable in my own body and history and culture, the more my lovers expand themselves. There were several men that I hooked up with who had never been with a trans person or any female-assigned person, and afterward, they would exclaim, “Wow! I never knew things could be so amazing. I’m actually rethinking my own gender now.”36 I guess it’s true that the more we are brave, take risks, and try to bring our full selves to the table (or the bed, countertop, etc.) the more it encourages others to do the same. I know hurt people hurt people … but healing people heal people! And as much as it’s important to keep pushing forward for our liberation, we must also pause and reflect and not forget about getting back on D.37 ;)

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  In the same way, prayer works for you long after you’re done praying, and its benefits go beyond simply answered prayer. We looked at that in detail in section 1. And yet, many of us are so focused on getting quick, visible answers to prayer that we give up when they don’t happen. That’s like stopping your workouts because the scale didn’t change four minutes after you ran a 5K. Prayer is always working for you, day and night, in a hundred different ways. Give it time, and understand what results you’re looking for. Have a wholistic, long-term approach to prayer and you’ll be a lot more motivated. 5. SHAME: I’M EMBARRASSED. Remember the dentist example earlier? We avoid people who shame us. If we find ourselves avoiding God, sometimes it can be because we are ashamed of who we are or how we’ve failed. Maybe we think God is judging us, so we subconsciously stay away from Him. That sense of failure and condemnation is a greater enemy than you might realize. It will hold you back not just from prayer, but from faith, from serving, from taking risks. Here’s a suggestion: Don’t avoid prayer because of shame; use prayer to fight shame. If you feel embarrassed or insecure before God, take time to pray through some Bible verses that affirm your standing before Him. In prayer, you can reprogram the way you think. Changing the way you think will change the way you feel. Changing the way you think and feel will change the way you act. And that will change your life. Need some suggestions of Bible verses that will help you fight shame? Here are a handful, but there are many more. “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned.” (John 3:17–18)“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” (Romans 5:1–2)“Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39)“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God.” (1 John 3:20–21). 6. FLESH: I DON’T WANT TO DO IT. Let’s be honest. Sometimes we don’t pray because we don’t feel like it. There are other things that seem more fun or exciting in the moment, like scrolling Instagram or reorganizing the furniture or making a fourth cup of coffee.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  Then he gestured to my cheek. ‘That’s a smart eye you have.’I said, ‘It is, rather, ain’t it?’He looked kind. ‘Perhaps it was the blow, as made you faint. You gave us quite a scare.’‘I’m sorry. I think you’re right, it must have been the blow. I - I was struck by a man with a ladder, in the street.’‘A ladder!’‘Yes, he - he turned too sharp, not seeing me and-’‘Well!’ said Ralph. ‘Now, you’d never believe such a thing could happen, would you, outside of a comedy in the theatre!’I gave him a wan sort of smile, then lowered my eyes and started on the bread and butter. Florence was studying me, I thought, rather carefully.Then the baby sneezed and, as Florence took a handkerchief to its nose, I said half-heartedly: ‘What a handsome child!’ At once, his parents turned their eyes upon him and gave identical, foolish smiles of pleasure and concern. Florence lifted him a little way away from her, the lamplight fell upon him; and I saw with surprise that he really was a pretty boy - not at all like his mother, but with fine features and very dark hair and a tiny, jutting pink lip.Ralph leaned to stroke his son’s jerking head. ‘He is a beauty,’ he said; ‘but he is dozier, tonight, than he should be. We leave him in the daytime with a gal across the street, and we are sure that she puts laud’num in his milk, to stop his cries. Not,’ he added quickly, ‘as I am blaming her. She must take in that many kids, to bring the money in, the noise when they all start up is deafening. Still, I wish she wouldn’t. I hardly think it can be very healthful...’ We discussed this for a moment, then admired the baby for a little longer; then grew silent again.‘So,’ said Ralph doggedly, ‘you are a friend of Miss Derby’s?’I looked quickly at Florence. She had recommenced her jiggling, but was still rather thoughtful. I said, ‘That’s right.’‘And how is Miss Derby?’ said Ralph then.‘Oh, well, you know Miss Derby!’‘Just the same, then, is she?’‘Exactly the same,’ I said. ‘Exactly.’‘Still with the Ponsonby, then?’‘Still with the Ponsonby. Still doing her good works. Still, you know, playing her mandolin.’ I raised my hands, and gave a few half-hearted imaginary strums; but as I did so Florence ceased her swaying, and I felt her glance grow hard. I looked hurriedly back to Ralph. He had smiled at my words.‘Miss Derby’s mandolin,’ he said, as if the memory amused him. ‘How many homeless families must she not’ve cheered with it!’

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  difference. Usually, if we’re honest with ourselves, deep down inside we know when we are ignoring the check oil light in our lives. 6. To excuse or minimize our mistakes It’s human nature to want to blame someone when things go wrong. And it’s also human nature to want to avoid being the one blamed. So we look to God or the devil as convenient scapegoats. The most famous excuse in this category is, “The devil made me do it.” I think most of us see through that. But then we say things like, “God could have stopped me, but He didn’t.” Or, “God works all things together for good, including my mistakes.” True . . . but it’s not the ideal scenario to work with, that’s for sure. And there are still going to be consequences when we make mistakes. Yes, we should trust in God’s sovereignty. Yes, we should forgive ourselves and move on when we mess up. Yes, God uses even the evil things for our good. But those truths don’t invalidate the fact that we are responsible for our decisions. If you’ve messed up, you need to make it right to the best of your ability. That means coming clean about what you did, apologizing to the offended parties, making restitution if you can, and making real changes so you don’t repeat the mistake. Don’t say, “God sees my heart,” or, “Only God is perfect,” if you’re using those phrases to excuse your mistakes. 7. To justify ongoing bad behavior People sometimes use the Bible or spiritual principles to enable their inappropriate behavior. This might be the most dangerous reason of all because of its potential for deep, ongoing hurt. This can include gaslighting, victim-blaming, or other forms of manipulation couched in spiritual terms. An example of this is an authority figure demanding that people forgive them repeatedly, insisting on “grace” and “mercy” rather than making amends and changing, or blaming their wrong behavior on others rather than owning it.

• From Wild (2012)

  I nodded, as if I knew where Bighorn Plateau was, or what it meant for the snowpack to be double what it was a year ago. I felt like a fraud even having this discussion, like a mascot among players, as if they were the real PCT hikers and I was just happening through. As if somehow, because of my inexperience, my failure to read even a single page written by Ray Jardine, my laughably slow pace, and my belief that it had been reasonable to pack a foldable saw, I had not actually hiked to Kennedy Meadows from Tehachapi Pass, but instead had been carried along. But I had walked here, and I wasn’t ready to give up on seeing the High Sierra just yet. It had been the section of the trail I’d most anticipated, its untouched beauty extolled by the authors of The Pacific Crest Trail, Volume 1: California and immortalized by the naturalist John Muir in the books he’d written a century before. It was the section of mountains he’d dubbed the “Range of Light.” The High Sierra and its 13,000- and 14,000-foot-high peaks, its cold, clear lakes and deep canyons were the point of hiking the PCT in California, it seemed. Plus, bypassing it would be a logistical mess. If I had to skip the High Sierra, I’d end up in Ashland more than a month before I intended to. “I’d like to push on, if there’s a way,” I said, waving the feather with a flourish. My feet didn’t hurt anymore. They’d gone blissfully numb in the icy water. “Well, we do have about forty miles to play with before the going gets seriously rough—from here up to Trail Pass,” said Doug. “There’s a trail there that intersects the PCT and goes down to a campground. We can hike at least that far and see how it goes—see how much snow there is—and then bail out there if we want to.” “What do you think of that, Greg?” I asked. Whatever he would do was what I’d do. He nodded. “I think that’s a good plan.” “That’s what I’m going to do,” I said. “I’ll be okay. I have my ice ax now.” Greg looked at me. “You know how to use it?” The next morning he gave me a tutorial. “This is the shaft,” he said, running his hand up the length of the ax. “And this is the spike,” he added, touching a finger to the sharp end. “And on the other end there’s the head.” The shaft? The head? The spike? I tried not to crack up like an eighth grader in sex ed class, but I couldn’t help myself.

• From Boys & Sex (2020)

  I asked him more about how those teammates talked in the locker room. That question always made guys squirm. They would rather talk about porn use, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation—anything but admit to a woman the truth about “locker room banter.” Cole cut his eyes to the side, shifted in his seat, sighed deeply. “Okay,” he finally said. “So, here’s my best shot. We definitely say ‘fuck’ a lot; ‘fuckin” can go anywhere in a sentence. And, we call each other pussies. We call each other bitches. We never say the N-word, though. Because that’s going too far.” “What about ‘fag’?” I asked. “No,” he said, shaking his head firmly. “So,” I said, “why can’t you say ‘fag’ or the N-word but you can say ‘pussy’ and ‘bitch’? Aren’t those just as offensive?” “One of my friends said we probably shouldn’t say those words anymore, either,” he said, “but what would we replace them with? We couldn’t think of anything that bites as much.” “Bites?” “Yeah. It’s like . . . for some reason, ‘pussy’ just works. When someone calls me a pussy—‘Don’t be a pussy! Come on! Fuckin’ go! Pull! Pull! Pull!’—it just flows. If someone said, ‘Come on, Cole, don’t be weak! Be tough! Pull! Pull! Pull!’ it wouldn’t get inside my head the same way. I don’t know why that is. I don’t know why it needs to be those words.” He paused a moment. “Well,” he said, “maybe I do. Maybe I just try not to dig too deeply into that area because I know it’s wrong.” ALTHOUGH LOSING GROUND in the most progressive circles, the use of “fag” remained pervasive among the boys I interviewed, especially during middle and high school. “That’s so gay” had also long since displaced the out-of-favor “retarded” as a catchall for anything stupid, boring, irritating, disappointing, unpleasant, lame: your phone was “gay” if didn’t have service, your pencil was “gay” if it broke, it was “so gay” for a movie to be sold out. “Fag,” by contrast, was reserved specifically for other boys (never girls, nor do girls often malign one another with homophobic slurs, though they may use “dude” or “bro” to show affection). Rob, who had cut back on using “fag” once he got to college because “some people don’t care, but other people take offense,” said that he thought of it as “a universal term. Like, ‘Oh, you’re being annoying—stop being a fag!’ Or, ‘Oh, you’re doing something weird—stop being a fag!’ Or, let’s say we were busting each other’s chops and one of my friends takes it too seriously. Then it’s like, ‘Oh, stop being a fag! Stop being gay! Man up! We’re joking!’” Rob quickly added that none of his friends would’ve used the word in reference to actual homosexuals. “Never!” he said, aghast. “One of my closest friends came out our senior year of high school!”

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  The evil habits of boyhood, — lying, stealing, cigarette smoking, profane and obscene talk, self-pollution, — are usually set up in boys by the example and social suasion of boys just one stage older than they, young enough to be trusted companions, and old enough to exercise au- thority. One generation corrupts the next. f The permanent vices and crimes of adults are not transmitted by heredity, but by being socialized; for in- stance, alcoholism and all drug evils; cruel sports, such as bull-fights and pugilism; various forms of sex per- versity; voluntary deformities, such as foot-binding, corseting, piercing of ears and nose; blood-feuds in Corsica; lynching in America. Just as syphilitic cor- ruption is forced on the helpless foetus in its mother’s womb, so these hereditary social evils are forced on the individual embedded in the womb of society and draw- ing his ideas, moral standards, and spiritual ideals from the general life of the social body. That sin is lodged in social customs and institutions and is absorbed by the individual from his social group is so plain that any person with common sense can ob- serve it, but I have found only a few, even among the modem hand-books of theology, which show a clear THE TRANSMISSION OF SIN 6l recognition of the theological importance of this fact.^ The social gospel has from the first emphasized it, and our entire religious method of dealing with children, adolescents, students, industrial and professional groups,- and neighbourhoods, is being put on a different basis in consequence of this new insight. Systematic theology is not running even with practical theology at this point. A theology for the social gospel would have to say that original sin is partly social. It runs down the genera- tions not only by biological propagation but also by social assimilation. Theologians sometimes dispatch this matter easily as ** the force of evil example.’’ There is much more in it. We deal here not only with the instinct of imitation, but with the spiritual authority of society over its members. In the main the individual takes over his moral judg- ments and valuations from his social class, profession, neighbourhood, and nation, making only slight personal modifications in the group standards. Only earnest or irresponsible persons are likely to enter into any serious 1 O. Kirn, Grundriss der evangelischen Dogmatik,” p. 82 :

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  As someone who values privacy, I find it unbelievable that I now make a living writing about my insecurities. Sometimes, when I think about it, my stomach sinks to the floor. I have a baked-in sense that my problems are unseemly and will drive people away. But then, when I look around and see what’s actually happened, I realize sharing my weaknesses with friends and readers alike has made me feel more connected to and accepted by the many, many people who feel the exact same way—connections I would have missed out on entirely had I gone on hiding what I thought was wrong. * * * A few notes about using this book: Those of us with perfectionism tend to default to gut renovations and total overhauls, but you do not need a self-improvement program. You already have lots of great traits—heck, as far as a personality style goes, conscientious is the one to choose—you already work hard and care deeply. In terms of changes, we’re talking little tweaks. Being 5 percent less hard on yourself or 10 percent kinder to yourself will likely be just right. Indeed, when you’re done with this book, you may not do anything overtly different at all; you may simply approach things with an updated mindset of willingness and flexibility. Next, you may feel ambivalent about letting go. I’ve met many clients who credit perfectionism with getting them where they are today. I feel you. Society rewards us for digging deep and pushing hard. Those got me a long way, too. Even when I was sleep-deprived, disconnected, and felt like I was half-assing everything, I sure got a lot done. Rest assured, it’s okay to be ambivalent. But go ahead and try some of the mindset shifts and experiments in this book. I pinkie promise you won’t end up a stoner in pajama pants covered in Cool Ranch Dorito dust. If you take a test drive and don’t like it, you can go back to business as usual—no hard feelings. Finally, notice if you find yourself approaching this book at 110 percent. You might tell yourself you need to create a program out of the book (“I’ll read a chapter a day,” “I’ll try everything in each chapter before I move on to the next one”). If that helps you, knock yourself out. But notice what pressures and contingencies it creates and whether or not that makes you less likely to finish it. Indeed, the myth of “the more effort you put in the better results you get” gets in the way here. So instead, prioritize what speaks to you rather than reading cover to cover. See the chapters as a menu and read what you like. You can even keep it on the toilet tank and read it when you’re sitting there—I promise I won’t be offended. * * *

• From Bold Move

  Retreating is when you move away from a situation that your brain has perceived as dangerous (e.g., conflict, negotiating, etc.) with the outcome of making yourself feel better momentarily. Often, what we say to ourselves (e.g., I don’t deserve a raise ) plays a huge role in convincing us that retreating is the only solution, yet there is always a long-term negative consequence. Before we dive deeper into this flavor of avoidance, here are some additional examples of behaviors that often function as a form of retreating—with the caveat that for some people, this could be a different flavor of avoidance. Keep in mind, for any of these actions to qualify as avoidance there must be a long-term cost. Retreat The main characteristic of retreat as an avoidance strategy is moving away from whatever is making you uncomfortable, so that you can have temporary fast relief from discomfort. You can retreat by walking away, but you can also do it by going inward, focusing on thoughts, and distancing from situations in subtle ways. Below are examples of how you can retreat to avoid: Looking away during difficult conversationsChanging the topic of a conversationExcessively exercisingLetting emails pile upPutting off small tasksRescheduling unwanted meetingsGrabbing a glass of wineCanceling a dateScheduling events to stay away from your homeScrolling through social media The Brain Can Be a ButtLet’s see how thoughts around negotiating got a colleague of mine stuck. I met Janet at a Harvard Women’s Leadership course where I was speaking on using science-driven skills to help women get results in high-stakes conversations so as to enhance their ability to communicate as leaders. It turned out that Janet worked at the same institution as I did, and just like me, had been there for many years. We were in different departments but had faced similar challenges, and we immediately fell into an easy and familiar rapport. During one of our breaks, Janet approached me in a polite-but-urgent manner and asked if she could confide in me. We found a quiet corner of the conference center, and she explained to me that for the past three years, she had been waiting for the right moment to ask for a raise but had been almost incapable of forcing herself to do it. Janet is an African American woman, a single mother, and this raise would make a huge difference for her and her three children. She clearly cared a lot about this, and she felt like she was failing at being a provider for her family. She continued to speak, but her voice caught in her throat, and when she looked up, I saw that she had tears in her eyes. I had seen this look of shame and desperation on the faces of many clients in similar situations (and even in my own mother during some of her lowest points).

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Afterwards, everyone was asked how well they thought their own speech went. Participants without social anxiety thought they did pretty well regardless of what example they had seen. But among participants with social anxiety, the example speech made all the difference: Those in the high-standards condition who thought they had to top a near-perfect speech rated their own speech as an abject failure. But in the low-standards condition, where they had essentially been told that most people sucked and the video was of some overachieving outlier, their opinion of their own speech was indistinguishable from the opinions of the non-anxious group. In other words, when the social standard was low, people with social anxiety thought they did well. When it was high, they assumed they blew it, regardless of how they actually performed. If one side of perfectionism is bookended by sky-high expectations, the other is anchored by lower-than-a-worm beliefs in one’s ability. Indeed, Rosie’s beliefs about her social skills were as dire as her expectations were outlandish. I have no social skills. I don’t know how not to be awkward. I don’t know how to behave normally. I never come across the way I mean. Something is wrong with me. I’m a big loser. This is textbook perfectionism: there’s a gap between perceived expectations and your belief in your ability to reach them. The bigger the gap, the more we freak out. Rosie’s rules for interaction and her appraisal of her own skills show what psychologists call dichotomous thinking, better known as all-or-nothing thinking. No matter what you call it, it means we think if something didn’t go perfectly we failed. What’s more, we personalize it: if we don’t breeze through a conversation with witty, intelligent repartee, we’re a total loser. But we’re the only ones who think that, it turns out. It’s a little odd to ask friends and acquaintances for feedback, but a study out of Washington University did just that. The researchers asked individuals with and without social anxiety to bring a friend to the study and then asked them both for the honest truth. The pairs of friends were asked to rate the quality of their friendship, how much they liked each other, and more. Overall, the individuals with social anxiety rated themselves negatively, but their friends rated them positively, just as positively as the friends of people without social anxiety. What’s going on here? First, we hold ourselves to strict, near-impossible standards but are understanding and compassionate to everyone else. As if that double standard weren’t bad enough, we also try to see the best in others, but assume others will see the worst in us. When you think about it, our assumption that others will be judgmental and rejecting is actually quite ungenerous of us.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I saw again those tailored jackets and waistcoats and shirts, those tiny, extravagant N.K.s that I had thought so thrilling. I had not known then that they were sewn in rooms like this, by women as sad as Mrs Fryer; but if I had, would I have cared? I knew that I would not, and felt now horribly uncomfortable and ashamed. Florence had stepped to the door, and stood there, waiting for me; Mrs Fryer had bent to pick up her youngest child, who had begun to cry. I reached into the pocket of my coat. There was a shilling there, and a penny, left over from a marketing trip: I took them out and placed them on the table amongst the fancy shirts and hankies, slyly as a thief.Mrs Fryer, however, saw, and shook her head.‘Oh, now, miss...’ she said.‘For the baby.’ I felt more self-conscious and ill than ever. ‘Just for the little one. Please.’ The woman ducked her head, and murmured her thanks; and I did not look at her, or Florence, until we were both of us out on the street again, and the dismal room was far behind.‘That was kind of you,’ said Florence at last. It wasn’t kind at all; I felt as if I had slapped the woman, not given her a gift. But I didn’t know how to tell any of this to Florence. ‘You shouldn’t have done it, of course,’ she was saying. ‘Now she will think the Guild is made of women who are better than her, not women just like herself, trying to help themselves.’‘You’re not much like her,’ I said - a little stung, despite myself, by her remark. ‘You think you are, but you’re not, not really.’She sniffed. ‘You’re right, I suppose. I’m more like her, however, than I might be. I’m more like her than some of the ladies you see working for the poor and the homeless and the out-of-work -’‘Ladies like Miss Derby,’ I said.She smiled. ‘Yes, ladies like that. Miss Derby, your great friend.’ She gave me a wink and took my arm; and because it was pleasant to see her so light-hearted I began to forget the little shock that I had had in the seamstress’s parlour, and to grow gay again. Arm-in-arm we made our slow way, through the sinking autumn night, to Quilter Street, and Florence yawned. ‘Poor Mrs Fryer,’ she said. ‘She is quite right: the women will never fight for shorter hours and minimum wages, while there are so many girls so poorly off that they’ll take any work, however miserable...’I was not listening.

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  Behold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own praises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether it be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of Thee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may confess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself maimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I am moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another be unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by reproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the same injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I deceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue? This madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the sinner’s oil to make fat my head. I am poor and needy; yet best, while in hidden groanings I displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until what is lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that peace which the eye of the proud knoweth not. Yet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men, bring with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise: which, to establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and collects men’s suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself in myself, on the very ground that it is reproved; and often glories more vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory; and so it is no longer contempt of vain-glory, whereof it glories; for it doth not contemn when it glorieth. Within also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation; whereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they please not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing themselves, they much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things not good, as if good, but in Thy good things, as though their own; or even if as Thine, yet as though for their own merits; or even if as though from Thy grace, yet not with brotherly rejoicing, but envying that grace to others. In all these and the like perils and travails, Thou seest the trembling of my heart; and I rather feel my wounds to be cured by Thee, than not inflicted by me.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Embrace Take some photographs of yourself and your friends enjoying yourselves and put them up around your home. Every time you see pictures in which you look confident and happy, you will instantly feel your mood lift. From this point onward, beware your media influences. If you get a negative body image after reading a particular fashion magazine or watching a TV show, then give it up. This signifies a new beginning—a beginning in which your flaws become your assets, and you accept your body as beautiful. Adapt Take an honest look at the clothes in your closet—they say a lot about your body image. Do the colors complement your skin and hair tone? Does the cut make the most of your body shape and size? Edit your wardrobe. If an item isn’t getting worn, ask yourself why. Then either give it another try, or donate it to charity. And next time you are out shopping, be sure to buy clothes that highlight your feminine curves and make you feel good about yourself. Luxuriate Treat your body to a sensory time out. Fill up the bathtub with warm, bubbly water, light some candles, and turn on your favorite CD. Luxuriate in the water for at least an hour—no phones, obligations, or guilt allowed. As you bathe, run your hands all over your body. Notice how sensual and warm it feels. When you get out of the tub, rub sweet-smelling lotion over yourself. Revel in the sensation of appreciating your body. [image file=image_rsrc3A5.jpg] Sex files: Learning to love yourselfPoor body image and low self-esteem can have a profoundly negative effect on your love life—if you’re feeling unattractive, the last thing you’ll want to do is to have sex. Here’s how one woman overcame her negative feelings and embraced a reinvigorated sex and personal life. [image file=image_rsrc3A6.jpg] Background Two years ago Anna, 37, discovered that her husband Jo was having an affair. While they were trying to rebuild their marriage, she found out he was cheating again—with a woman he’d met online. This time Anna asked Jo to leave and she filed for divorce. A year after her divorce was finalized, Anna began dating again. After several months she met a man she was crazy about—Kamal—and now they are settling happily into a relationship. Anna has two children from her marriage to Jo. The problem Although Anna felt passionately about Kamal, she didn’t enjoy sex and was lukewarm about his sexual advances. After a hormone test ruled out any underlying physiological reasons for Anna’s lack of libido, I spoke at length to her about her feelings and attitudes toward sex. It turned out that, in the past, Anna had really enjoyed sex and was always very adventurous. “I used to feel very confident and daring. Out of all my friends, I was the one to experiment. They used to ask me for sex advice!” Anna’s sexually adventurous spirit and healthy libido ended when she discovered her ex-husband’s infidelity.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  When I told Anna I thought low self-esteem was part of the reason for her lack of interest in sex, she became very emotional. “I’ve felt so low since Jo cheated on me,” she said. “I know Kamal loves me, but I’m waiting for him to find somebody thinner, sexier, or younger than me. I just feel like an overweight single mom—men don’t find me attractive or sexy.” Finding solutions I spoke to Anna and Kamal together. I asked Anna to share her feelings with Kamal in a non-blaming way, and I advised Kamal not to try to “fix” her feelings. When couples encounter self-esteem issues, it’s very common for one partner to pooh-pooh the other’s feelings. Unfortunately, telling someone that they are wrong to have a negative self-perception doesn’t help—self-esteem must be built from within. To boost Anna’s self-esteem I asked her to throw out all her fashion and celebrity magazines (studies show that women experience lower self-esteem after reading them). I also advised her to go to an exercise class and to begin a gratitude journal, in which she would write down one thing she was grateful for every day. To boost her sexual self-confidence I sent Anna to a sexy lingerie store and asked her to buy at least three sexy garments. Sexy underwear can help to make you feel in control of your sexuality. I also asked Anna to get in tune with her body and her sexual responses by masturbating. Finally, I asked Anna to put all her ugly, hurtful thoughts toward Jo in a letter. I then told her to burn the letter and let that part of her life go. What happened? Anna rebuilt her self-esteem slowly but surely. She joined a Pilates class and made some new friends (bonding with other women can be a crucial part of self-esteem construction). She worked hard at putting her experiences with Jo behind her and she started enjoying sex with Kamal. She said: “When Kamal tells me how much he desires me, I’ve actually started to believe him—that makes him feel good too.” Regaining confidence If you have body-image issues that stop you from enjoying sex, try to face them. Make a list of all the things you need to do to feel better about yourself—then do them. And, if possible, avoid the people, activities, or reading material that dent your self-confidence. Masturbation for WomenMasturbation is a natural part of human sexuality, and an important facet of a healthy sex life. Regular orgasms help decrease stress, increase genital blood flow, and promote a better sexual response. You have sexual needs that require satisfying, and masturbation is a reliable path to fulfilment, as well as educating yourself about your body. Masturbation will also help you learn about your sexual response—knowledge that you can use to enhance lovemaking sessions with your partner.

• From Boys & Sex (2020)

  It surprised me to learn that, like girls, boys will also fake orgasm to end an encounter, albeit less frequently. In one study of college students, two-thirds of girls reported pretending to climax, but so did a quarter of the boys and for similar reasons: they wanted sex to end; they wanted to make a partner happy; they didn’t want to hurt her feelings. For guys I met, faking orgasm was most common when sex was unwanted, perhaps because male release is seen by both sexes as the necessary conclusion for a successful encounter. “I should never be in the position where I have to tell somebody that I’m having sex with that I came when I didn’t,” a college junior told me. “But I have a couple of times. It’s whack. Once at a party this girl says, ‘I’m going with you to your room,’ and I know I don’t want to hook up with her, but she insists on coming back with me, and she gets into my bed. And I’m like, ‘Huh.’ I knew I didn’t want to, but we start kind of having sex and there’s no real interest or chemistry, so . . .” This is not to say that heterosexual men’s and women’s experiences with unwanted sex are fully comparable. By their senior year of college, women are still twice as likely as men to have been assaulted and are subject to a wider, more constant range of aggressive behavior. The women Ford interviewed reported incidents that spanned from catcalls to forcible rape. Their accounts also typically included either actual or implicit threats of violence, such as the fear of being killed—men’s did not—and it’s those feelings of complete helplessness, the sudden turnaround from trusting someone to believing he might murder you, that are most strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and other negative mental health outcomes. Perhaps as a result of all that, fewer men expressed explicit psychological fallout from their unwanted experiences. “They would say something like, ‘If this happened to a woman you would call it assault,’” Ford said. “Or, ‘Maybe at some point there will be a case of a man coming forward, but I’m not going to be the one to make a big deal about it.’ “Really, though,” she continued, “that was all cover for the masculinity issue. What happened to them might be creepy, but because a woman did it to a guy, it’s like, ‘Hey, you got laid.’” That’s exactly how friends responded to Leo, the boy in New York—plus, dude! The girl was nineteen! “I’d laugh about it, too,” he said. “No one ever picked up on how much it hurt me. But it really fucked me up. I became afraid of sex. I thought I’d never do it again. The worst was when I was at a party playing Truth or Dare and someone asked, ‘Have you had sex before?’ And I thought, Shit! What exactly is sex?”

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I looked from her to the orchestra pit. There, the conductor had seen our confusion. The music had slowed and faded for a second - but now picked up, more briskly than before.But the melody affected neither Kitty nor the audience. At the side of the stalls, the door-men had reached the drunken man at last, and had hold of his collar. The crowd looked not at him, however, but at us. They looked at us, and saw - what? Two girls in suits, their hair close-clipped, their arms entwined. Toms! For all the efforts of the orchestra, the man’s cry still seemed to echo about the hall.Far off in the gallery someone called something that I could not catch, and there was an awkward answering laugh.If the shout cast a spell over the theatre, the laughter broke it. Kitty shifted, then seemed to see for the first time that our arms were joined. She gave a cry, and drew away from me as if in horror. Then she put her hand to her eyes and stepped, with her head bowed, into the wing.For a second I stood, dazed and confounded; then I hurried after her. The orchestra rattled on. There were shouts from the hall, at last, and cries of ‘Shame!’ The curtain, I think, was rung hurriedly down.Back stage, everything was in a state of the greatest confusion. Kitty had run to Walter: he had his arm about her shoulders and looked grave. Flora stood by with a shoe unlaced and ready, shocked and uncertain but desperately curious. A knot of stage-hands and fly-men looked on, whispering amongst themselves. I stepped up to Kitty and reached for her arm; she flinched as if I had raised my hand to strike her, and instantly I fell back. As I did so the manager appeared, more flustered than ever.‘I should like to know, Miss Butler, Miss King, what the blazes you mean by -’‘I should like to know,’ interrupted Walter harshly, ‘what the blazes you mean by sending my artistes on before that rabble you call your audience. I should like to know why a drunken fool is allowed to interfere with Miss Butler’s performance for ten minutes, while your men gather their scattered wits together, and make up their minds to remove him.’The manager stamped his foot: ‘How dare you, sir!’‘How dare you, sir -!’The debate went on. I didn’t listen to it, only looked at Kitty. Her eyes were dry, but she was white-faced and stiff. She hadn’t taken her head from Walter’s shoulder, and she had not glanced towards me, at all.Finally Walter gave a snort, and waved the blustering manager away. He turned to me. He said, ‘Nan, I am taking Kitty home, at once. There’s no question now of you going on for your final number; I’m afraid, too, that we must forfeit our supper. I shall hail us a hansom; will you follow with Flora and the gear, in the carriage?

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  BAPTISM AND THE LORD'S SUPPER 2Q$ means of creating the priesthood of theCatholic Church, and the main door through which superstitious beliefs came in. In time it became the mass, in which the priest partook ofthe bread and wine while the people watched him doing it. He might even go through the whole performance alone, for the benefit of adeceased person, according to the terms ofan endowment. Thus the Lord's Supper lost its meaning because itwas in the hands ofa body which had neither social outlook nor democratic emotions. The Protestant Reformation concentrated on the re- form of the Lord's Supper. The laity shared more fully in it. The private mass was abolished. Some of thesocial feeling was restored. But not the socialout- look. The act turned backward and not forward. It is an act of remembrance; init we appropriate theaton- ing death of our Saviour. Where it is experienced most deeply, it is a mystic act of fellowship between theun- seen Lord and the silentsoul of the worshipper. Fora time the great act of fraternal lovebecame the object ofbitter controversial feelings between Catholic and Protestant, and between Lutheran and Calvinist, and exercised a very unsocial and divisive influence. While the great churches were bitterly contending over the question whether their Lord was physically or spiritually present, and if physically, whether by tran- substantiation or consubstantiation, the persecuted Ana- baptists, who had neither the right to meetnor to exist, had the spirit of the original institution among them. As in the primitive Church, their service was preceded by

• From 50 Shades Uncovered (2015)

  James calls it "adult romance" while the media have dubbed it "mummy porn." Whatever you call it, there's no doubt that it's popular. I just sit at my desk. If I have any downtime I just start reading through it. And, obviously, if the manager, or any other lads saw, I'd just hide it away. Eclair: As a reader and a feminist, it didn't float my boat. But I did read it because, obviously for research purposes. It got the imagination flowing. People are caught up with those characters and they want to see what happens to them. Kite: Because they did center on that relationship, you could call them romantic erotica. It was a real page-turner. I went into a charity shop and I bought my copy and it was 59 p. I think that tells you everything you need to know about "Fifty Shades of Grey." I contemplated going to the library, um, and there was a voice in my head telling me, oh, the librarian's gonna judge me a little bit - for taking that one out. - Yeah. And then I thought, wait. Do I want to use a used copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey?" There's a deep shame to being seen with the book. (music playing) Gaukroger: A Belgian professor thought it would be a good idea to go into a library and test the ten most popular books in that library for traces of drugs, traces of diseases. All ten books had traces of cocaine. "Fifty Shades of Grey" actually had traces of a strain of herpes. So I didn't go and get one at the library. - No. - No. (music playing) Hopkins: I would never read that book in public 'cause that would be a tragedy. - There's such a stigma around it. - Yeah. I had it hidden inside "The Times" newspaper. But I would never be seen with "Fifty Shades of Grey." "Then I'm going to spank you. Not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine." (laughs) That's-- that's something kinky. Yes, really kinky. I think it's very unpleasant thing. (laughs) "He pauses, gauging my wide-eyed reaction." Graphic, graphic. Uh, I think it-- it'll make a good read. I didn't expect to read that in the middle of New York. O'Shea: I would be more embarrassed to be seen reading it simply because of how bad the prose is. Weak prose and bad plotlines are not okay. It's just concerning, the language of it. You know, how many times did he "hitch a breath"? Huh! You know, every other page his breath hitched. Huh! Well, mine didn't. (cheering) Gaukroger: J.K. Rowling refuses to read it. It might be due to the fact that "Fifty Shades of Grey" did outsell "Harry Potter." It's the quickest-selling paperback, which probably rubbed J.K. Rowling up the wrong way. - Good choice of words. - Just a little bit. - Good choice of words there. - Oh. Oh, God. It's just mass-market fiction.