Fear

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Girls & Sex (2016)

  In January, Jake invited her to their school’s winter formal. She said yes, though the idea of grinding on the dance floor in a short skirt was not appealing. She found a knee-length red dress that, as she said, “was edgy, but didn’t show any boob” and wore stiletto heels (“but not strappy,” she said; “and they had a closed toe”). As for the dancing? She tolerated it—which, truth be told, was the case for many of the straight girls I spoke to as well. Afterward, Jake suggested they grab a soda at a McDonald’s drive-thru, and then sit and talk in the car for a while. Amber agreed. “I’m thinking, it’s me and Jake, you know?” she said. “So, fine, whatever.” They pulled into a church parking lot. Jake turned off the motor and leaned in for a kiss. Then, without warning, he slid his hand under Amber’s skirt. She broke out in a cold sweat and her stomach clenched, but she remained silent. When he suggested they move to the backseat, Amber, yet again, “went with the flow.” She went with the flow as Jake took her hand and shoved it into his pants. She went with the flow as he slid her underwear aside. “Then,” Amber said, “God, he was only a sixteen-year-old boy—his finger goes in the wrong place. It goes up my butt hole!” Jake was mortified. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” he repeated. Amber assured him she was fine—she didn’t want him to feel bad, she said—but the mood, such as it was, was shattered. He zipped his pants and slunk into the front seat. “It was actually the best thing that could’ve happened,” Amber said now. “Because it ended things. He just drove me home, and I was like, ‘Yes! It’s over!’” Though of course it wasn’t. Since she’d allowed him to touch her once, Jake assumed he could do it again. And Amber never did say no. She also never said yes, and he interpreted her passivity as consent. She would sit unmoving, hands at her side, staring into space as he groped and rubbed against her. “Once he asked why I didn’t make the same noises as girls in porn videos,” she said. “He watched a lot of porn. I told him I was quiet because I was so into it. So, he thought I liked it. He thought it was normal, and I let him think that. Because I was go-with-the-flow Amber.”

• From The Beautiful Room Is Empty (1988)

  he persisted in practicing his vice. If I despised homosexuals, I distrusted everyone else. Of course heterosexuals had to be placated and amused. When I was with them, I memorized their reticences and enthusiasms, the subjects they would guffaw over and those they ignored, embarrassed. But I felt not at all attached to any other human being. This distrust was confirmed when I returned to school by a series of arrests of homosexuals in the toilets. A professor of engineering, and the administrator in charge of “in-plant feeding” (the cafeteria), and four students were nabbed. Their names but not their pictures were published in the town and school newspapers. I knew one of the students, Jeremy, a tall fat boy with red cheeks, redder lips, ears as neat and protuberant as the handles on a pre- Columbian jar, and a gross soprano voice which he’d suddenly unsheathe, dazzling and flexible as a saw in sunlight. He’d be in his stall, a clucking, roosting hen, and suddenly that falsetto, loud and upsetting, would flash forth. “It was entrapment,” he told me. “There was a guy—I should have suspected something. His shoes, no queen would be caught dead in such clodhoppers, spoil her frock, her line, don’t you know. He showed me this big old thing hard, I mean it was hard, you can’t fake that, she was an excited gal, and then, don’t you know, the next thing somehow I felt myself being drawn against my will, and before you could say wunderbar! I was bending over this bratwurst when he opened his palm and there, Fräulein Ding, there—” and Jeremy drew a deep breath, raised his hand, pursed his lips like an overly animated children’s entertainer creating suspense “—there was a cop’s badge.” “How horrible! What did you do?” “At first I just drew myself up and thought, If I act like a perfect lady nothing truly untoward will happen to me. I lifted an eyebrow, threw my scarf around my neck, and turned to march out head high, but the next thing I knew he’d slapped this rather gauche ID bracelet around my wrist which cunningly enough was attached to a matching bracelet on his wrist. For a moment I thought we were going steady.” Jeremy was given a seven-year suspended sentence, provided he reported every month to his parole officer and saw a state-appointed psychotherapist three times a week. He who’d always been so flamboyant, who could make us believe his shabby knitted scarf was a marabou boa, turned wren-brown, his big, fleshy body no longer a diva’s girth but now a heavy penance to be concealed. He stopped vocalizing in the corridors, he cropped his hair (“I’ve entered my sensible lesbian period,” he solemnly explained), and he even started dutifully escorting a girl to the movies. Even though I was terrified of being arrested, I couldn’t stop going to the toilets.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  For now there remains no strength in me, nor has any breath been left in me.” 18 Then the one (Gabriel) whose appearance was like that of a man touched me again, and he strengthened me. 19 He said, “O man, highly regarded and greatly beloved, do not be afraid. Peace be to you; take courage and be strong.” Now when he had spoken to me, I was strengthened and said, “Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me.” 20 Then he said, “Do you understand [fully] why I came to you? Now I shall return to fight against the [hostile] f prince of Persia; and when I have gone, behold, the g prince of Greece is about to come. 21 “But I (Gabriel) will tell you what is inscribed in the h writing of truth. There is no one who stands firmly with me and strengthens himself against these [hostile spirit forces] except Michael, your prince [the guardian of your nation]. Daniel 11 Conflicts to Come 1 “A LSO I , in the first year of Darius the Mede, I (Gabriel) arose to be an encouragement and a protection for him. 2 “And now I will tell you the truth. Behold, a three more kings are going to arise in Persia. Then a b fourth will become far richer than all of them. When he becomes strong through his riches he will stir up the whole empire against the realm of Greece. 3 “Then a c mighty [warlike, threatening] king will arise who will rule with great authority and do as he pleases. 4 “But as soon as he (Alexander) has risen, his kingdom will be broken [by his death] and divided toward the four winds of heaven [the north, south, east, and west], but not to his descendants, nor according to the [Grecian] authority with which he ruled, for his kingdom will be torn out and uprooted and given to d others (his four generals) to the exclusion of these. 5 “Then the king of the South (Egypt) will be strong, along with one of his princes who will be stronger than he and have dominance over him; his domain will be a great dominion. 6 “After some years e the Syrian king of the North and the Egyptian king of the South will make an alliance; the f daughter (Berenice) of the king of the South will come to the g king of the North to make an equitable and peaceful agreement (marriage); h but she will not retain the power of her position, nor will he retain his power. She will be handed over with her attendants and her father as well as he who supported her in those times.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  37 “Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and honor the King of heaven, for all His works are true and faithful and His ways are just, and He is able to humiliate and humble those who walk in [self-centered, self-righteous] pride.” Daniel 5 Belshazzar’s Feast 1 B ELSHAZZAR THE king [who was a descendant of Nebuchadnezzar] gave a great feast for a thousand of his nobles, and he was drinking his wine in the presence of the thousand [guests]. 2 Belshazzar, as he tasted the wine, gave a command to bring in the gold and silver vessels which his a father Nebuchadnezzar had taken out of the b temple which was in Jerusalem, so that the king and his nobles, his wives and his c concubines might drink from them. 3 Then they brought in the gold and silver vessels that had been taken out of the temple, the house of God which was in Jerusalem; and the king and his nobles, his wives and his concubines drank from them. 4 They drank the wine and praised the gods of gold and silver, of bronze, iron, wood and stone. 5 Suddenly the fingers of a man’s hand appeared and began writing opposite the lampstand on [a well-lit area of] the plaster of the wall of the king’s palace, and the king saw the part of the hand that did the writing. 6 Then the king’s face grew pale, and his thoughts alarmed him; the joints and muscles of his hips and back weakened and his knees began knocking together. 7 The king called aloud to bring in the enchanters (Magi), the Chaldeans [who were master astrologers] and the diviners. The king said to the wise men of Babylon, “Whoever can read this writing and explain its interpretation to me shall be clothed with purple and have a chain of gold put around his neck, and have authority as the d third ruler in the kingdom.” 8 Then all the king’s wise men came in, but they could not e read the writing or reveal to the king its interpretation. 9 Then King Belshazzar was greatly perplexed, his face became even paler, and his nobles were bewildered and alarmed. 10 Now the queen [mother], overhearing the [excited] words of the king and his nobles, came into the banquet area. The queen [mother] spoke and said, “O king, live forever! Do not be alarmed at your thoughts or let your face be changed. 11 “There is a man in your kingdom in whom is f a spirit of the holy gods; and in the days of your father, illumination, understanding and wisdom like the wisdom of the gods were found in him. And g King Nebuchadnezzar, your father—your father the king, appointed him chief of the magicians, enchanters, Chaldeans and diviners. 12 “It was because an extraordinary spirit, knowledge and insight, the ability to interpret dreams, clarify riddles, and solve complex problems were found in this Daniel, whom the king named Belteshazzar.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  Then the LORD my a God will come, and all the holy ones (believers, angels) with Him. [Amos 1:1 ; Col 3:4 ; 1 Thess 4:14 ; Jude 14 , 15 ] 6 In that day there will be no light; the glorious ones (heavenly bodies) shall be darkened. 7 But it will be a unique day which is known to the LORD —not day and not night, but at evening time there will be light. 8 And in that day living waters will flow out from Jerusalem, half of them to the eastern sea (Dead Sea) and half of them to the western sea (the Mediterranean); it will be in summer as well as in winter. God Will Be King over All 9 And the LORD shall be king over all the earth; in that day the LORD shall be the only one [worshiped], and His name the only one. 10 All the land will be changed into a plain from Geba to Rimmon, [the Rimmon that is] south of Jerusalem; but Jerusalem will rise and remain [lifted up] on its site from Benjamin’s Gate to the place of the First Gate to the Corner Gate, and from the Tower of Hananel to the king’s wine presses. 11 It will be inhabited, for there will no longer be a curse, for Jerusalem will dwell in security. [Rev 22:3 ] 12 Now this will be the plague with which the LORD shall strike all the peoples that have warred against Jerusalem: Their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongue will rot in their mouth. 13 In that day a great panic and dismay from the LORD will fall on them; and they will seize one another’s hand, and the hand of the one will be raised against the hand of the other. 14 Judah also will fight at Jerusalem; and the wealth of all the surrounding nations will be gathered together—gold and silver and garments in great abundance. 15 So like this plague [on men] there will be the plague on the horses, mules, camels, donkeys, and all the livestock in those camps. 16 Then everyone who is left of all the nations that went against Jerusalem will go up from year to year to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, and celebrate the Feast of Booths (Tabernacles). 17 And it will be that whichever of the families of the earth does not go up to Jerusalem to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, there will be no rain on them. 18 If the family of Egypt does not go up [to Jerusalem] and present themselves, then no rain will fall on them. It will be the plague with which the LORD will strike the nations who do not go up to celebrate the Feast of Booths (Tabernacles).

• From The Beautiful Room Is Empty (1988)

  When he strode about my little kitchen he kicked his legs straight out. He happened to mention his father was a billfold distributor in Ohio, and I realized that although he was talking books and ideas, his way of talking was a traveling salesman’s—insistent, unstoppable. If I stopped him and took exception, he had an easygoing way of shrugging, laughing at himself, and trying a new tack, as if to say, “Since you didn’t fall for that one, try this one on for size.” When I spoke at any length, he frowned. He winced with concentration, just as though he were a nutcracker and my words a giant nut. I processed everything he said in several different ways. Mainly I was afraid of him. I’d never had anyone so handsome so near me before. Of course I had, but the experience was powerful enough to seem unique. This guy—but have I neglected to say he was luminously attractive, even at first glance, not like a model, for he wasn’t that fine, his nose had something odd about it, perhaps it was, yes, too thick, the same thickness from the top to the tip, but all the same he stunned me. I was afraid of him because I wanted him. I didn’t like the suspense. Because I wasn’t a handsome boy, I couldn’t enjoy the luxury of knowing that eventually he’d come around and that meanwhile the game was fun. For me, the game was intolerable. And yet, just as he was leaving he stood by the door in his dark blue military overcoat and he touched my hand with his, held it simply, normally, and asked me if I wanted to grab a bite to eat later. I said why not. Then he was gone. I put my lips where his had been on the coffee cup. I felt elated, because that was all I’d ever wanted, to be loved, and nobody ever had. I questioned my sincerity. Why was I falling for someone so handsome? Then I thought, Why not? Beauty is something noble, like an old name, and I’ll keep on seeing it in him even after he’s lost it. I thought it was natural that he’d be willing to confide his beauty to my intelligence (now that he was gone and I was less afraid, I esteemed my mind more highly). As he’d held my hand, an appreciative smile had even flickered over his dark red lips. Sean and I went out to a Village coffee shop on Sheridan Square. The snow had melted, and it was raining. We sat in a window booth and watched all the couples hurrying past, battling with their umbrellas in the wind. For us, the feeling was very cozy, being inside. It wasn’t bad for the passersby, either. They were mostly couples on dates who seemed to be enjoying their struggle with the wind; nothing is more urban than a rainstorm.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  10 “As for me, I am going to stay at Mizpah to stand [for you] before the Chaldeans who come to us [ministering to them and looking after the king’s interests]; but as for you, gather in wine, summer fruit and oil and store them in your utensils [designed for such purposes], and live in your cities that you have taken over.” 11 Likewise, when all the Jews who were in Moab and among the people of Ammon and in Edom and who were in all the [other] countries heard that the king of Babylon had left a remnant [of the people] in Judah and had appointed Gedaliah the son of Ahikam, the son of Shaphan over them [as governor], 12 then all the Jews returned from all the places to which they had been driven and came back to the land of Judah, to Gedaliah at Mizpah, and gathered a great abundance of wine and summer fruits. 13 Moreover, Johanan the son of Kareah and all the commanders of the forces that were [scattered] in the open country came to Gedaliah at Mizpah 14 and said to him, “Do you know that Baalis the king of the Ammonites has sent Ishmael the son of Nethaniah to take your life?” But Gedaliah the son of Ahikam did not believe them. 15 Then Johanan the son of Kareah spoke secretly to Gedaliah in Mizpah, saying, “Let me go and kill Ishmael the son of Nethaniah, and not a man will know [who is responsible]. Why should he kill you and cause all the Jews who are gathered near you to be scattered and the remnant of Judah to perish?” 16 But Gedaliah the son of Ahikam said to Johanan the son of Kareah, “Do not do this thing, for you are lying about Ishmael.” Jeremiah 41 Gedaliah Is Murdered 1 N ow in the a seventh month Ishmael the son of Nethaniah, the son of Elishama, of the royal family [of David] and one of the princes of the king, came [at the instigation of the Ammonites] with ten men to Gedaliah the son of Ahikam in Mizpah. As they were eating a meal together there in Mizpah, 2 Ishmael the son of Nethaniah and the ten men who were with him got up and struck down Gedaliah the son of Ahikam, the son of Shaphan, with the sword and killed the one whom the king of Babylon had appointed [governor] over the land. [2 Kin 25:25 ] 3 Ishmael also killed all the Jews who were [at the banquet] with Gedaliah at Mizpah, in addition to the Chaldean soldiers who were there.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  type of crowd. It’s an expressive crowd. The common purpose that they get together around is expressing emotion. Crowds can express emotions in positive ways, but mobs are expressing emotions in negative ways and there’s a connotation of violence... either an intent to commit violence, a likelihood to commit violence, or they are actually committing violence. It’s not a prosocial group.” † Sarah’s patrons didn’t get together that day to express anger and violence. They were there to see a show. But the way they were treating people, the way they were egging each other on, and the fact that violence felt like a real possibility to Sarah and her staff might make that first part moot. Who cares why they were there? What matters is how they felt and acted once they were there. Dr. Rosenthal said something else really interesting that I think is relevant here too. She said: “Generally, in terms of historical research on social behavior, we have defined a crowd as being in physical proximity, but I think in today’s society with our social-media connections, a crowd can actually exist in the virtual world.” I would argue that if a crowd can exist online, a mob can too. Take for example the story of Justine Sacco who in 2013 tweeted out an offensive attempt at a joke about AIDS right before boarding a plane to South Africa. She had fewer than 200 Twitter followers at the time, but in the 11 hours she was on the plane, her tweet was noticed and shared by media outlets and she became the center of a massive Twitterstorm. Since she was on a flight, she was disconnected from Twitter and was unaware of what was happening. She couldn’t apologize or remove the tweet. In that time, an online mob had formed around her offensive and racist tweet. People were hurling cruel insults at her (including a number of slurs), some were calling for her to be fired (which she was), and some writing that they hoped she would get AIDS. One user even acknowledged that a mob had formed and tweeted out a picture of a mob of Simpsons’ characters holding torches. When she landed, she deleted the tweet, along with her Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram accounts. She issued an apology a day later. 42 The entire story is beautifully described in Jon Ronson’s TED talk, “When online shaming goes too far.” 43

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  14 “Those who swear [their oaths] by the sin (guilt) of Samaria or Ashimah (a pagan goddess), Who say, ‘By the life of your god [the golden calf], O Dan!’ And [swear], ‘By the life of the way of [idolatrous] Beersheba,’ They shall fall and not rise again.” Amos 9 God’s Judgment Unavoidable 1 I SAW [in a vision] the Lord standing at the altar, and He said, “Destroy the capitals (tops) of the pillars so that the thresholds will shake, And break them on the heads of all of the people! Then I will kill the rest of them with the sword; They will not have a fugitive who will get away, Or a survivor who will escape. 2 “Though they dig into a Sheol [to hide in the deepest pit], From there My hand will take them [for judgment]; And though they climb up to heaven [to hide in the realm of light], From there will I bring them down [for judgment]. 3 “Though they hide on the summit of [Mount] Carmel, I will track them down and take them from there; And though they hide from My sight on the floor of the sea, From there I shall command the serpent and it will bite them. 4 “And though they go into captivity before their enemies, From there I shall command the sword to kill them, And I will set My eyes against them for evil (judgment, punishment) and not for good [that is, not for correction leading to restoration].” 5 The Lord GOD of hosts [the Omnipotent Ruler], It is He who touches the earth [in judgment] and it melts, And all who dwell on it mourn [in despair and fear], And all of it rises up like the Nile And subsides like the Nile of Egypt; 6 It is He who builds His upper chambers in the heavens And has established His vaulted dome (the firmament of heaven) over the earth, He who calls to the waters of the sea And pours them out on the face of the earth— The LORD is His name. 7 “Are you [degenerate ones] not as the [despised] sons of Ethiopia to Me, O sons of Israel?” says the LORD . “Have I not brought up Israel from the land of Egypt, And the Philistines from Caphtor and the Arameans (Syrians) from Kir? 8 “Behold, the eyes of the Lord GOD are on the sinful [northern] kingdom [of Israel’s ten tribes] And I shall destroy it from the face of the earth; But I shall not totally destroy the house of Jacob [that is, the entire nation of Israel],” Says the LORD . 9 “For behold, I am commanding, And I shall shake and sift the house of Israel among all nations [and cause it to tremble] Like grain is shaken in a sieve [removing the chaff], But not a kernel [of the faithful remnant] shall fall to the ground and be lost [from My sight].

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  21 There were about 5,000 men who ate, besides women and children. Jesus Walks on the Water 22 Immediately He directed the disciples to get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side [of the Sea of Galilee], while He sent the crowds away. [Mark 6:45–52 ; John 6:15–21 ] 23 After He had dismissed the crowds, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. When it was evening, He was there alone. 24 But the boat [by this time] was already a b long distance from land, tossed and battered by the waves; for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night (3:00–6:00 a.m.) Jesus came to them, walking on the sea. [Mark 6:48 ; John 6:19 ] 26 When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately He spoke to them, saying, “Take courage, it is I! Do not be afraid!” [Ex 3:14 ] 28 Peter replied to Him, “Lord, if it is [really] You, command me to come to You on the water.” 29 He said, “Come!” So Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw [the effects of] the wind, he was frightened, and he began to sink, and he cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus extended His hand and caught him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you c doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 Then those in the boat worshiped Him [with awe-inspired reverence], saying, “Truly You are the Son of God!” 34 When they had crossed over [the sea], they went ashore at Gennesaret. 35 And when the men of that place recognized Him, they sent word throughout all the surrounding district and brought to Him all who were sick; 36 and they begged Him to let them merely touch the fringe of His robe; and all who touched it were perfectly restored. [Matt 9:20 ] Matthew 15 Tradition and Commandment 1 T hen some Pharisees and scribes from Jerusalem came to Jesus and said, 2 “Why do Your disciples violate the a tradition (religious laws) handed down by the [Jewish] elders? For Your disciples do not [ceremonially] wash their hands before they eat.” 3 He replied to them, “Why also do you violate the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition [handed down by the elders]?

• From Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir (2017)

  As a child I had been plagued with chronic sinusitis, and every winter my mother took me to Dr. Davis, an otolaryngologist, for a sinus draining and flushing. I hated his yellow teeth and his fishy eye, which peered at me through the center of the circular mirror attached to the headband otolaryngologists used to wear. As he inserted a cannula into my sinus foramen, I felt a sharp pain and then heard a loud whooooosh — the same whooooosh I heard in the dream —as the injected saline flushed out my sinus. Looking at the quivering, disgusting mess of pus in the chrome drainage pan, I thought some of my brain had been washed out. In my first dream in analysis, that real-life horror had blended with my fear that shameful and disgusting thoughts would come out of me on the analytic couch. I rene and I worked hard on her first dream. “So you hadn’t read either text,” I began, “ especially not the old one.” “Yes, yes, I expected you to ask about that. I hadn’t read either text, but I especially hadn’t read the ancient one.” “Any hunches about the meaning of the two texts in your life?” “Hardly a hunch,” Irene replied. “I know exactly what they mean.” I waited for her to go on but she simply sat in silence, looking out the window. I had not yet gotten used to Irene’s irritating trait of not volunteering a conclusion unless I explicitly requested it. Annoyed, I let the silence last a minute or two. Finally I obliged: “And the meaning of the two texts, Irene, is—” “My brother’s death, when I was twenty, was the ancient text. My husband’s death to come is the modern text.” “So the dream is telling us that you may not be able to deal with your husband’s death until you deal first with your brother’s.” “You got it. Precisely.” The content that we dealt with was illuminating, but the process (that is, the nature of the relationship between us) was confrontational and highly charged, and ultimately the work on our relationship was to be the true source of healing. In one session, our discussion of a dream about a wall of bodies separating the two of us led to an anguished outburst: “What I mean is, how can you understand me? Your life’s unreal—warm, cozy, innocent. Like this office.” She pointed to my packed bookshelves behind her and to the scarlet Japanese maple blazing just outside the window. “The only thing missing are some chintz cushions, a fireplace, and a crackling wood fire. Your family surrounds you—all in the same town. An unbroken family circle. What can you really know of loss? Do you think you’d handle it any better? Suppose your wife or one of your children was to die right now? How would you do? Even that smug striped shirt of yours—I hate it. Every time you wear it, I wince.

• From The Beautiful Room Is Empty (1988)

  By the way, I’ve read of some interesting hormone treatments for your problem they’re experimenting with in England; they implant female hormones in your leg through a simple operation and—” “Female?” “Yes, because estrogens neutralize your sex drive altogether; they neuter you and soon you’re free to lead a normal life.” Her right hand made a small rounded motion in the air when she said the word normal. I could see the pure technology of the hormone pack appealed to her practical side. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, but a sudden chill grasped me, exactly as though my lungs were being squeezed by cold hands. My mother went on to ask if I thought I should be put in a psychiatric hospital—and the hands squeezed tighter. It occurred to me that this woman, who was as familiar and shameful to me as my own body, could take it into her head to lock me up. After all, I wasn’t disobliging her in a mild, acceptable way, choosing chemistry rather than physics. No, to her I was a sort of criminal; I’d chosen crime, sex crime. I wanted to be heterosexual, or so I told myself. As a budding writer, I knew I’d never be able to give a convincing account of marriage, birth, parental love, conjugal intimacy, the spicy anguish of adultery—none of the great occasions—until I’d rid myself of this malady which was so narrowing. O’Reilly had warned me that homosexuality would condemn me to an embalmed adolescence, that I’d never grow out of a stale narcissism. And yet something wild and free in me didn’t want to give in to them, the big baggy grown-ups. No, if I were perfectly honest (and I couldn’t be, I lacked the necessary confidence), I’d have to admit that there was a world run by women and feminized men (not effeminate but feminized men) that I wanted to escape, the world of mild suburban couples, his and her necks equally thick and creased, their white hair similarly cropped. The hard hot penis I grabbed for under the toilet-stall partition or the slow wink of a drag queen looking back at me over her ratty fox neckpiece just before she turned the corner—these glimpses piqued my craving for freedom, despite my yearning after respectability. I felt I owed nothing to anyone. My only job was to dodge out of the crossfire. Homosexuality did not constitute a society, just a malady, although unlike many other maladies it was a shameful one—a venereal disease. Could one be loyal to syphilis? And yet syphilis was not a desire one pursued; once contracted, it left nothing else to be done. But a homosexual could be condemned precisely because

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  When the police arrived and asked Sarah what she thought they should do, Sarah said, “I’m not going to ask you to physically remove this person from a theater full of children, including his own.” The show was almost over so they were going to let things go and just get through it. The problem, though, was that there was a special event after the show where some attendees could meet and talk with the performers. It was clear that this particular person was planning on attending this event too, so he wasn’t leaving. Sarah asked the police to ask him to wait outside. He was escorted outside but then ended up waiting by the windows and looking through at Sarah and the other staff. She likened him to caged animal, stalking back and forth across the window like a tiger at a zoo. She started to question whether or not she would be safe to leave the building later that day or if she needed the police to walk her to her car. In the end, she said she got through it. She and her staff had a lot of conversations about what they should do different next time, or even if they should keep trying. She cried a lot too. She said she kept coming back to the fact that “they didn’t have to be there. We were offering full refunds.” If people weren’t willing to put on a mask, they could have left without consequence. But she also told me, demonstrating a really impressive ability to empathize and understand the situation from their perspective, “I don’t think their expectations were actually that unreasonable.” Such mask policies, even when in place, weren’t being enforced elsewhere in her community. “Many places they went required masks but then didn’t actually enforce that requirement.” Her patrons probably knew they were supposed to wear masks, but just assumed, like so many other places, it wouldn’t be enforced. Emotional Contagion Sarah’s story is intriguing from a number of perspectives, and we’ll revisit it often throughout the book. But what I find most fascinating in the context of this chapter, is her description of how people were actively trying to rile each other up. Covid wasn’t the only thing that was contagious that day. Their anger was too, and while they were ambivalent about spreading the virus, they were actively trying to spread the rage. Over a decade ago, some students and I worked on a project related to this very topic.34 We provided participants with some vignettes, brief case studies, describing an emotional situation. The participants were to imagine they were going out to eat for a special occasion. They had booked reservations way in advance, but when they got to the restaurant, there was a long line and obvious problems with the reservation system.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  Such is social media. * Less relevant to this book, there is such a thing as self-directed shoulds that include rules about our own behavior (I should exercise every day, I should get all of this work done). People who engage in self-directed shoulds are more likely to get sad and feel angry at themselves. In fact, data from The Anger Project (www.alltheragescience.com ) shows that 41 per cent of people are extremely likely to get angry with themselves. * My position on guns is undeniably informed by my research on anger and other emotions. Take any emotionally volatile situation, add a gun to it, and you’ve certainly made that situation more dangerous. * When my son was nine years old, he got really upset listening to a podcast where some critics disparaged a movie he had really enjoyed. He had loved it and couldn’t believe that other people didn’t love it too. This is something we expect from children, but we also expect they will grow out of as they develop a more sophisticated understanding of how people experience the world around them. PART TWO TEN STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH ANGRY PEOPLE CHAPTER 6 STRATEGY ONE: WORK OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT “If he didn’t want to know what I thought, he shouldn’t have asked me” A friend of mine recently told me about a very unpleasant anger-related situation she was having with one of her in-laws. As a family, they were dealing with some complicated health issues that required making some difficult decisions. My friend was asked by her father-in-law what she thought they should do. She was honest with the advice she gave even though she knew he wouldn’t like it. What she hadn’t anticipated, though, was how much he wouldn’t like it and how angry he would become. He was livid. She received an email from him that was exceedingly angry and hostile. He questioned her commitment to their family and told her she had no right to say such things. When she tried to explain that she was just offering her opinion the way he had asked her to, he attacked her again with a second email. This one was even more aggressive. She decided not to respond to that one and he never followed up with her. At the time she told me all of this, her father-in-law had cut off contact with her and though he was still communicating with her husband, he had become very cold to him. She was hurt and scared about what all this might mean to their family. On top of the hurt and fear, though, she was also really mad at him. He had asked her opinion, so she provided it. “If he didn’t want to know what I thought, he shouldn’t have asked me,” she told me. “He didn’t really want my opinion.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  In fact, about four years ago, I spoke with Dr. Lori Rosenthal, a social psychologist who wrote a chapter on mob violence for the book The Psychology of Good and Evil ,41 about this very question. I was trying to figure out when a group of people goes from being a crowd to a mob. The answer isn’t just that they are angry. You get angry crowds at sporting events. You get them at peaceful protests.* Dr. Rosenthal helped answer this for me. She said: “A mob is a very specific type of crowd. It’s an expressive crowd. The common purpose that they get together around is expressing emotion. Crowds can express emotions in positive ways, but mobs are expressing emotions in negative ways and there’s a connotation of violence… either an intent to commit violence, a likelihood to commit violence, or they are actually committing violence. It’s not a prosocial group.”† Sarah’s patrons didn’t get together that day to express anger and violence. They were there to see a show. But the way they were treating people, the way they were egging each other on, and the fact that violence felt like a real possibility to Sarah and her staff might make that first part moot. Who cares why they were there? What matters is how they felt and acted once they were there. Dr. Rosenthal said something else really interesting that I think is relevant here too. She said: “Generally, in terms of historical research on social behavior, we have defined a crowd as being in physical proximity, but I think in today’s society with our social-media connections, a crowd can actually exist in the virtual world.” I would argue that if a crowd can exist online, a mob can too. Take for example the story of Justine Sacco who in 2013 tweeted out an offensive attempt at a joke about AIDS right before boarding a plane to South Africa. She had fewer than 200 Twitter followers at the time, but in the 11 hours she was on the plane, her tweet was noticed and shared by media outlets and she became the center of a massive Twitterstorm. Since she was on a flight, she was disconnected from Twitter and was unaware of what was happening. She couldn’t apologize or remove the tweet. In that time, an online mob had formed around her offensive and racist tweet. People were hurling cruel insults at her (including a number of slurs), some were calling for her to be fired (which she was), and some writing that they hoped she would get AIDS. One user even acknowledged that a mob had formed and tweeted out a picture of a mob of Simpsons’ characters holding torches. When she landed, she deleted the tweet, along with her Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram accounts.

• From Paul and Palestinian Judaism (40th Anniversary Edition) (2017)

  But calling to mind the might of Thy hand and the greatness of Thy compassion, I rose and stood, and my spirit was established in the face of the scourge. The psalmist then continues by saying that he leans on God's grace and that God pardons him. It seems that the lines just quoted describe a crisis in a covenanter's life rather than a confession of God's grace for putting him in the right 'lot'. The covenant was attacked and he was afraid that he was for- saken. If this is true of 4.33-36, the same seems certainly to be true of 4.29f., which is a confession of the sinfulness of a man in the covenant vis a vis God. 99 H. Braun, 'Selbstverstiindnis', Studien, pp. 113, 107. 100 Ibid., pp. 105f. IOI Ibid., p. I 13. 102 Ibid., pp. 109, I 17. 103 Ibid., pp. 110f. We shall return to these last points below. 104 Licht, 'Doctrine', p. 96. The Dead Sea Scrolls [II The 'in' phrases of 4.29( state not so much a plight from which man is saved as a constant truth which is not altered: man, on his own, is iniquitous ('in iniquity') and full of guilty rebellion ('in guilty unfaithfulness') 'until his old age'. He has no righteousness, nor perfection of way, for to God alone belong righteous deeds. Man's way is established only by God (IQH 4.29-31). The closest parallel to this is IQS 11.11f.: 'If I stagger because of the sin of flesh, my justification shall be by the righteousness of God.' 105 In both cases, the point is that man, on his own, is always a sinner. He may at any time 'stumble', which doubtless means to commit an individual transgression, not to relapse into a former sphere. This is a description of the human state from which he is not saved. He never, in this world, moves from the sphere in which, vis a vis God, his actions apart from grace are sins. The 'in iniquity' passage is a statement of human inadequacy and the constant proclivity to sin unless one's steps are established by God. Becker's 'from' passages do not refer to being saved from the basic human conditiun of frailty, in which man is unable to 'stand' or to 'establish his way' or to do any righteous deed; they do not constitute the solutiun to the plight of 4.29[. The 'from' passages refer to being cleansed from transgression and the impurity which is attached to it so that one may join the covenant. The man in 4.29, however, is already in the covenant. Yet he remains 'in iniquity' from the womb to old age.

• From Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir (2017)

  Immediately, Philip, the Schopenhauer clone and acolyte, responds in his usual condescending manner, saying, “Nabokov undoubtedly lifted the idea from Schopenhauer, who said that after death we will be as before our birth and then proceeded to prove the impossibility of there being more than one kind of nothingness.” Pam, furious with Philip, says, “You think Schopenhauer once said something vaguely similar. Big fucking deal.” Philip closes his eyes and begins reciting: “‘A man finds himself, to his great astonishment, suddenly existing after thousands and thousands of years of nonexistence; he lives for a little while: and then, again, comes an equally long period when he must exist no more.’ I quote from Schopenhauer’s essay, ‘Additional Remarks on the Doctrine of the Vanity of Existence.’ Is that vague enough for you, Pam?” I cite this passage because of what it did not include: namely, that Schopenhauer’s and Nabokov’s statements both trace back to Epicurus, an ancient Greek philosopher who held that the primary source of human misery was our omnipresent fear of death. To ease that fear, Epicurus developed a series of potent secular arguments for the students in his school in Athens and stipulated that they learn them just as they might memorize a catechism. One of these arguments was the renowned “symmetry argument” positing that our state of nonbeing after death is identical to our state before our birth , and yet the thought of our “pre-being” state is never associated with anxiety. Philosophers throughout the ages have attacked this argument, and yet to my mind it is beautiful in its simplicity and still holds considerable power. It has offered comfort to many of my patients, and to me as well. As I read more about Epicurus’s arguments to dispel death terror, a bombshell of an idea for my next book occurred to me and held me enthralled for a great many months. Here’s the idea. A horrific nightmare terrorizes a man: In a forest at nightfall he is pursued by some terrifying beast. He runs until he can run no farther; he stumbles, feels the creature pouncing upon him, and realizes this is his death. He awakens screaming, heart pounding, soaked in sweat. He jumps out of bed, quickly dresses, bolts from his bedroom and from his home, and sets off to find someone—an elder, a thinker, a healer, a priest, a doctor—anyone who can help with this death terror. I imagined a book consisting of eight or nine chapters, each beginning with the same first paragraph: the nightmare, the awakening, and the setting out to seek help for his death terror. Yet each chapter would be set in a different century! The first would take place in the third century BC in Athens, and the dreamer would rush to the Agora, the section of Athens where many of the important schools of philosophy were located.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  13 Then some of the traveling Jewish exorcists also attempted to call the name of the Lord Jesus over those who had evil spirits, saying, “I implore you and solemnly command you by the Jesus whom Paul preaches!” 14 Seven sons of one [named] Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this. 15 But the evil spirit retorted, “I know and recognize and acknowledge Jesus, and I know about Paul, but as for you, who are you?” 16 Then the man, in whom was the evil spirit, leaped on them and subdued c all of them and overpowered them, so that they ran out of that house [in terror, stripped] naked and wounded. 17 This became known to all who lived in Ephesus, both Jews and Greeks. And fear fell upon them all, and the name of the Lord Jesus was magnified and exalted. 18 Many of those who had become believers were coming, confessing and disclosing their [former sinful] practices. 19 And many of those who had practiced magical arts collected their books and [throwing book after book on the pile] began burning them in front of everyone. They calculated their value and found it to be d 50,000 pieces of silver. 20 So the word of the Lord [concerning eternal salvation through faith in Christ] was growing greatly and prevailing. 21 Now after these events, Paul determined in the Spirit that he would travel through e Macedonia and Achaia (most of the Greek mainland), and go to Jerusalem, saying, “After I have been there, I must also see Rome [and preach the good news of salvation].” 22 And after sending two of his assistants, Timothy and f Erastus, to Macedonia [ahead of him], he stayed on in [the west coast province of] Asia [Minor] for a while. 23 About that time there occurred no small disturbance concerning the Way (Jesus, Christianity). 24 Now a man named Demetrius, a silversmith, who made silver shrines of [the goddess] Artemis (Diana), was bringing no small profit to the craftsmen. 25 These [craftsmen] he called together, along with the workmen of similar trades, and said, “Men, you are well aware that we make a good living from this business. 26 “You see and hear that not only at Ephesus, but almost all over [the province of] Asia, this Paul has persuaded [people to believe his teaching] and has misled a large number of people, claiming that gods made by [human] hands are not really gods at all .

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  those interactions to specific ways of communicating or specific venues. Regardless, let’s go through some things to consider as you decide what you want your relationship with this angry person to be like. They are Emotionally or Physically Abusive It’s undeniable that another person’s anger can lead to physical or emotional abuse. It doesn’t usually, though. Anger is an exceedingly common emotion – experienced by most people a couple of times per week to a couple of times per day – and many people are able to handle their anger productively or even usefully. 70 That said, as we’ve discussed, the emotion itself involves a desire to lash out. Chronically angry people sometimes act on that desire and the people in their lives may suffer the physical and emotional consequences. Physical abuse involves various forms of physical aggression including hitting, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting, or a variety of other ways of causing you physical harm (such as harming your loved ones, harming your pets, refusing to allow you to take your medication). Anger, along with other emotions such as jealousy or even fear, are clearly relevant but the abuse can also be motivated by a variety of other factors like a desire for power or control of the other person. The causes of physical abuse are typically broader than just their anger. The same can be said for emotional abuse which includes them frequently insulting or criticizing you, keeping you from spending time with friends or loved ones, gaslighting you, finding ways to humiliate you, or attempting to control what you do, how you dress, who you spend time with, and more. Such patterns are, again, typically motivated by much more than anger. Ending or leaving an abusive relationship is well beyond the scope of this book. There are a variety of barriers to those trying to leave such a relationship. For anyone who is the victim of abuse, I would urge you to get help from a professional by reaching out to an intimate partner violence resource. TIP

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  4 For, lo, the kings assembled themselves, They [came and] passed by together. 5 They saw it, then they were amazed; They were stricken with terror, they fled in alarm. 6 Panic seized them there, And pain, as that of a woman in childbirth. 7 With the east wind You shattered the ships of Tarshish. 8 As we have heard, so have we seen In the city of the LORD of hosts, in the city of our God: God will establish her forever. Selah. 9 We have thought of Your lovingkindness, O God, In the midst of Your temple. 10 As is Your name, O God, So is Your praise to the ends of the earth; Your right hand is full of righteousness (rightness, justice). 11 Let Mount Zion be glad, Let the daughters of Judah rejoice Because of Your [righteous] judgments. 12 Walk about Zion, go all around her; Count her towers, 13 Consider her ramparts, Go through her palaces, That you may tell the next generation [about her glory]. 14 For this is God, Our God forever and ever; He will be our guide even until death. Psalm 49 The Folly of Trusting in Riches. To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of the sons of Korah. 1 H EAR THIS, all peoples; Listen carefully, all inhabitants of the world, 2 Both low and high, Rich and poor together: 3 My mouth will speak wisdom, And the meditation of my heart will be understanding. 4 I will incline my ear and consent to a proverb; On the lyre I will unfold my riddle. 5 Why should I fear in the days of evil, When the wickedness of those who would betray me surrounds me [on every side], 6 Even those who trust in and rely on their wealth And boast of the abundance of their riches? 7 None of them can by any means redeem [either himself or] his brother, Nor give to God a ransom for him— 8 For the ransom of his soul is too costly, And he should cease trying forever— 9 So that he should live on eternally, That he should never see the pit (grave) and undergo decay. 10 For he sees that even wise men die; The fool and the stupid alike perish And leave their wealth to others. [Eccl 2:12–16 ] 11 Their inward thought is that their houses will continue forever, And their dwelling places to all generations; They have named their lands after their own names [ignoring God]. 12 But man, with all his [self] honor and pomp, will not endure; He is like the beasts that perish. 13 This is the fate of those who are foolishly confident, And of those after them who approve [and are influenced by] their words. Selah.