Tenderness

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Henry Miller on Writing (1964)

  If only one could write as one talks — write like Gorky, Gogol or Knut Hamsun! She gave me a look such as a mother sometimes directs at the child she is holding in her arms. "Why write like them?" she said. "Write like you are, that's so much better."

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  d 15:22 The Canaanites were ancient, pagan enemies of Israel. e 15:26 A reference to the Jewish people. f 15:26 Jews used kuon (dog) as a derogatory term referring to Gentiles. This dog (kuon ) was a despised, filthy, homeless street scavenger. When speaking with this woman, Jesus uses a word for “dog” (kunarion ) that refers to a household pet. The use of the word kunariois by both Jesus and the woman reflects the tenderness and spiritual depth of this exchange. More importantly, it foreshadows the fact that Gentile believers would not be spiritually homeless, but would also be welcomed into God’s household as His children. The gracious response of the woman recorded in v 27 confirms that on some level she understands this. g 15:39 A small town on the western shore of the Sea of Galilee, between Tiberias and Capernaum. Matthew 16 a 16:2 Early mss do not contain the rest of v 2 and all of v 3 beginning with “When it is evening” in v 2 . b 16:6 Here, leaven represents the man-made traditions and false teachings of the Pharisees which were preventing the nation of Israel from attaining right standing with God and from recognizing and accepting the Messiah. c 16:13 In Jesus’ day this was Gentile territory. Today this region is known as the Golan Heights. The ancient city of Caesarea Philippi was located at the foot of Mt. Hermon, near the Banias Spring, one of the three springs which feeds into the Jordan River. d 16:18 Gr petros, a small or detached stone. e 16:18 Gr petra, bedrock or a huge rock. Jesus uses a simple play on the Greek words petros and petra in this verse. Throughout the N.T. Christ is clearly depicted as both the foundation petra and chief cornerstone of the church. Here He praises Peter for his accurate confession of faith in Him as Messiah. Peter explains the role of believers as “living stones” in the church which is built on Christ as the foundation and cornerstone (1 Pet 2:5 , 6 ). f 16:18 The physical death of Christ will not hinder the establishment of the church nor will death overtake the church. g 16:19 Gr estai dedemenon, future perfect passive referring to a state of having already been bound. h 16:19 Gr estai lelumenon, future perfect passive. i 16:21 This marks a turning point in the book. 4:17 marked the beginning of Jesus’ public ministry offering the kingdom to Israel. Since Israel rejected the Messiah, the kingdom is held in abeyance and the Messiah must suffer death. But He had to die in any case to provide salvation. j 16:28 Undoubtedly a reference to Peter, John, and James, who were to witness the transfiguration a few days later. Matthew 17 a 17:5 See note 3:17 . b 17:5 The Father’s words were a reminder that Jesus is unique, not to be equated with Moses and Elijah. He alone is the Son.

• From The Beautiful Room Is Empty (1988)

  Next to him lay a man who was introduced to me as Lou and who gave me a warm, brown, limp hand, which he presented at an odd angle as though I were meant to kiss it or touch it to my forehead. He was in blue jeans he’d sawed down to the briefest shorts I’d ever seen, which were held up by a thick bicycle chain and safety lock for belt and buckle. He was thin, which my mind stupidly attributed to the long, beautiful scar that traced the entire inner lining of his ribcage—up from the chain belt across the solar plexus and down the other side. His hair had been cut fuzzy-wuzzy short with clippers. When he smiled, his teeth looked like expensive replacements. Although he was clean-shaven, black Benday dots traced the narrow pathway of his thin mustache and the stippled edge of his jaw. His jawbone and nose looked out of joint, as if they’d been broken by the same event that had smashed his teeth and inscribed the scar. Even the index finger of his right hand didn’t quite lie down smoothly. It looked as if it had been snapped, rotated slightly, then rewired. And yet nothing gruesome or shocking was suggested by these alterations. Rather, they counted as painful but elegant tribal decorations cicatrized into the flesh, a sort of allover circumcision. This tribal idea was emphasized by his hairless torso, his long, smooth, slightly bowed legs, and his small-pored, high-cheekboned face, which fit as tightly to his skull as a swimming cap. He was half American Indian, the countertenor told me later that night. I took the countertenor home with me. He held me against his capacious chest and sang in his piercing high voice. Later I stood over him in bed, which led the singer, who was serious and sentimental and full of imported beer, to smile and blow me kisses. “Do you live here all by yourself?” he asked me, looking around my mother’s gilded cage. “Yes,” I said. “Are you in school or do you work?” “No, I don’t do anything,” I said. “I know that sounds terribly un-American, but I haven’t decided yet what to do with my life.” The tenor nodded and hugged me. The next morning, after several telephone calls, he arranged for us to eat with all the other men we’d met on the beach. It turned out Lou lived in the same building, in the identical apartment twelve stories down. We all went to a coffee shop on Rush for breakfast. I ate so many syrup-soaked pancakes and drank so much bitter coffee that I got a stomachache.

• From The Beautiful Room Is Empty (1988)

  paleness of a pear. A thug with a porkpie hat and a cigar guarded the door. At last we stumbled into a taxi. I got out a block away from home because I didn’t want Gerald, the doorman, to see me with Lou. Gerald was very thick with my mother. But then at last I was in Lou’s apartment; he bolted the door and we stood in his living room, not floating above the night city as in my mother’s apartment but rather surrounded by it. Between two unlit glass-sheathed buildings I could see Lake Michigan and its trails of breaking foam on black water. We picked our way over the debris in the dark and drank one more beer on the low couch. Lou kept dozing off. At last we undressed, our clothes thrown on the floor. But when I held Lou in my arms and kissed him all over, he whispered, “Let’s wait till the morning. I’d like to sleep with my ass pressed against your hard-on,” and he drifted off. Several times at the bars he’d introduced me with a laugh as his new “college-boy trick,” and now I could see myself as just that. It all fit, the brush cut, the glasses, the stuffy opinions, the ruefulness about advertising, even my rock-hard college-boy erection placed between the smooth muscular buttocks of an older man who was neither butch nor femme but as plushly ambiguous as the blue velour sweatshirt he had worn to breakfast at the coffee shop, or as the crewcut that went along with his broken nose to give him a boxer’s toughness, except that now, as I ran my hands over the bristles, I could think only of a Persian cat’s silky fur as it sensuously flexes against a hand. For Lou, though asleep, was snuggling richly against me, and I thought of him for a moment as a beautiful kept woman. He’d left the classical music station on, and the Brahms violin concerto, my father’s favorite music, was at last accompanying a tender longing that had an object. When I had waited on my father’s green-and-white-striped silk couch through the night, smelled his pipe, and listened to his calculating machine, I’d wrapped myself in empty regret, hugged my arms to my chest, and sorted through odds and ends of fantasies, none substantial enough to work into a quilt of desire. But here I was, suddenly awake, the room surging drunkenly around me every time I closed my eyes, with a lavishly asleep adult man in my arms, his body a degree warmer than mine, his clipped head full of intense opinions; when the violin shimmered like starlight that glints blue then green, signaling someone but not me, I felt at last I had been given the code for deciphering the message. I held still, I didn’t want to trouble Lou’s sleep, but I was warming myself against his body.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  And His disciples came and asked Him [repeatedly], “Send her away, because she keeps shouting out after us.” 24 He answered, “I was commissioned by God and sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and began to kneel down before Him, saying, “Lord, help me!” 26 And He replied, “It is not good (appropriate, fair) to take the e children’s bread and throw it to the f pet dogs.” 27 She said, “Yes, Lord; but even the pet dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their [young] masters’ table.” 28 Then Jesus answered her, “Woman, your faith [your personal trust and confidence in My power] is great; it will be done for you as you wish.” And her daughter was healed from that moment. Healing Crowds 29 Jesus went on from there and passed along by [the eastern shore of] the Sea of Galilee. Then He went up on the hillside and was sitting there. 30 And great crowds came to Him, bringing with them the lame, crippled, blind, mute, and many others, and they put them down at His feet; and He healed them. 31 So the crowd was amazed when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled restored, the lame walking, and the blind seeing; and they praised and glorified the God of Israel. Four Thousand Fed 32 Then Jesus called His disciples to Him, and said, “I feel compassion for the crowd, because they have been with Me now three days and have nothing [left] to eat; and I do not want to send them away hungry, because they might faint [from exhaustion] on the way [home].” [Mark 8:1–21 ] 33 The disciples said to Him, “Where are we to get enough bread in this isolated place to feed so large a crowd?” 34 And Jesus asked them, “How many loaves [of bread] do you have?” They replied, “Seven, and a few small fish.” 35 He directed the crowd to sit down on the ground, 36 and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and when He had given thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples [gave them] to the people. 37 And they all ate and were satisfied, and they gathered up seven full baskets of the broken pieces that were left over. 38 [Among] those who ate were 4,000 men, not counting women and children. 39 Then Jesus sent the crowds away, got into the boat and went to the district of g Magadan. Matthew 16 Pharisees Test Jesus 1 N ow the Pharisees and Sadducees came up, and testing Jesus [to get something to use against Him], they asked Him to show them a sign from heaven [which would support His divine authority].

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  36 When He saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion and pity for them, because they were dispirited and distressed, like sheep without a shepherd. [Zech 10:2 ] 37 Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is [indeed] plentiful, but the workers are few. 38 “So pray to the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.” Matthew 10 The Twelve Disciples; Instructions for Service 1 J esus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority and power over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. [Mark 6:7 ; Luke 9:1 ] 2 Now these are the names of the twelve a apostles (special messengers, personally chosen representatives): first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew, his brother; b James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; [Mark 3:16–19 ; Luke 6:13–16 ] 3 Philip and Bartholomew (Nathanael); Thomas and Matthew (Levi) the tax collector; c James the son of d Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus (Judas, not Iscariot); 4 Simon the Cananaean (Zealot), and Judas Iscariot, the one who betrayed Him. 5 Jesus sent out these twelve, instructing them: “Do not go among the Gentiles, and do not go into a city of the Samaritans; 6 but rather go to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. 7 “And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ 8 “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. 9 “Do not take gold, or silver, or [even] copper money in your money belt, 10 or a provision bag for your journey, or even two tunics, or sandals, or a staff; for the worker deserves his support. 11 “Whatever city or village you enter, ask who in it is worthy [who welcomes you and your message], and stay at his house until you leave [that city]. 12 “As you go into the house, give it your greeting [that is, ‘Peace be to this house’]. 13 “If [the family living in] the house is worthy [welcoming you and your message], give it your [blessing of] e peace [that is, a blessing of well-being and prosperity, the favor of God]. But if it is not worthy, take back your blessing of peace. 14 “Whoever does not welcome you, nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or city, f shake the dust [of it] off your feet [in contempt, breaking all ties]. [Mark 6:11 ; Acts 13:51 ] 15 “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, it will be more tolerable on the day of judgment for the land of g Sodom and Gomorrah than for that city [since it rejected the Messiah’s messenger]. A Hard Road before Them 16 “Listen carefully: I am sending you out like sheep among wolves; so be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves [have no self-serving agenda].

• From The Beautiful Room Is Empty (1988)

  We sprawled side by side, athwart the bed, fully dressed, our wet shoes on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Fred’s voice and the tango explored the folds of my brain like a deadly parasite, whose progress can’t be detected except after it slowly starts to unsnap higher functions. In the center of the ceiling a pressed metal rosette had lost detail under each new layer of paint. Fred’s voice made my ear glow, or was it the cold? He told me that he’d just been released from a mental hospital. “I was in for a year. That’s why I don’t want to sleep with you right away. I’m very tender, just like a crayfish between shells.” We both laughed at the image. Our remarks slowed and scattered; a composer wouldn’t have had an easy time scoring them. My feet were warming up. Fred seemed really perfect because he needed me. I had a function to serve. Ordinarily I couldn’t imagine what use I could be to anyone. I asked him what he was studying. He said he was finishing a degree in English. “I’m writing on Herrick, on his ‘Corinna’s Going a-Maying,’ which is odd to think of in the snow.” A long sighing silence, the sigh of contentment. “What does ‘green-gown’ mean?” I asked. “A ‘green-gown’ is a tumble in the grass. I suppose it’s like a birthday suit.” And we both laughed together. “But surely you already knew that. You had to know it in order to ask,” and we both laughed harder. I liked the way our laughs sounded, although I still cringed at the sound of my speaking voice. I couldn’t lower it. Physically I could, but psychologically it felt presumptuous, as though it were arrogant to sound like a man instead of a boy. He told me his story. When I glanced over at him, his Adam’s apple was as prominent as his chin and nose. The idea that his voice resided in this box intrigued me. I wanted to touch it. I told him I needed to sleep with him because my insecurities were sexual. “But then you might not see me again. And that could be a little ... risky for me.” He said he thought gay men lost interest after they did the “deed of darkness.” I said I wasn’t a generic gay man. “I certainly don’t want to be in the absurd position of rejecting you,” he said, “because to me you’re a wonderfully romantic young man, so tense. Intense. That’s the word.” And he opened the wet papaya pulp of his kiss to me. We kissed and undressed. The sheets smelled freshly ironed and felt as flimsy as rose petals. We kept stopping to talk, which at first vaguely irritated me, who thought sex was a crime to be committed as quickly as possible. Perhaps I’d been conditioned by the toilets. But then the realness of what we were doing touched me.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  32 “They are like children sitting in the market place and calling to one another, and saying, ‘We played the flute for you [pretending to be at a wedding], and you did not dance; we sang a dirge [pretending to be at a funeral], and you did not weep [so nothing we did appealed to you].’ 33 “For John the Baptist has come neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, ‘He has a demon!’ 34 “The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look, a man who is a glutton and a [heavy] wine-drinker, a friend of tax collectors and sinners [including non-observant Jews].’ 35 “Yet wisdom is vindicated and shown to be right by all her children [by the lifestyle, moral character, and good deeds of her followers].” The Anointing in Galilee 36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him, and He went into the Pharisee’s house [in the region of Galilee] and reclined at the table. 37 Now there was a woman in the city who was [known as] a e sinner; and f when she found out that He was reclining at the table in the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster vial of perfume; 38 and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began wetting His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head, and [respectfully] kissed His feet [as an act signifying both affection and submission] and g anointed them with the perfume. 39 Now when [Simon] the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he said to himself, “If this Man were a prophet He would know who and what sort of woman this is who is touching Him, that she is a [notorious] sinner [an outcast, devoted to sin].” Parable of Two Debtors 40 Jesus, answering, said to the Pharisee, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he replied, “Teacher, say it.” 41 “A certain moneylender had two debtors: one owed him five hundred h denarii, and the other fifty. 42 “When they had no means of repaying [the debts], he freely forgave them both. So which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon answered, “The one, I take it, for whom he forgave more.” Jesus said to him, “You have decided correctly.” 44 Then turning toward the woman, He said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house [but you failed to extend to Me the usual courtesies shown to a guest]; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has wet My feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair [demonstrating her love]. 45 “You gave Me no [welcoming] kiss, but from the moment I came in, she has not ceased to kiss My feet. 46 “You did not [even] anoint My head with [ordinary] oil, but she has anointed My feet with [costly and rare] perfume.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  16 d [ “If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.” ] 17 When Jesus had left the crowd and gone into the e house, His disciples asked Him about the parable. 18 And He said to them, “Are you, too, so foolish and lacking in understanding? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile and dishonor him, 19 since it does not enter his heart, but [only] his stomach, and [from there it] is eliminated?” (By this, He declared all foods f ceremonially clean.) 20 And He said, “Whatever comes from [the heart of] a man, that is what defiles and dishonors him. 21 “For from within, [that is] out the heart of men, come base and malevolent thoughts and schemes, acts of sexual immorality, thefts, murders, adulteries, 22 acts of greed and covetousness, wickedness, deceit, unrestrained conduct, envy and jealousy, slander and profanity, arrogance and self-righteousness and foolishness (poor judgment). 23 “All these evil things [schemes and desires] come from within and defile and dishonor the man.” The Syrophoenician Woman 24 Jesus got up and left there and went to the region of Tyre [and Sidon, the coastal area of Phoenicia]. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know about it; but it was impossible for Him to be hidden [from the public]. [Matt 15:21–28 ] 25 Instead, after hearing about Him, a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately came and fell at His feet. 26 Now the woman was a Gentile (Greek), a g Syrophoenician by nationality. And she kept pleading with Him to drive the demon out of her daughter. 27 He was saying to her, “First let the children [of Israel] be fed, for it is not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the h pet dogs (non-Jews).” 28 But she replied, “Yes, Lord, but even the pet dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.” 29 And He said to her, “Because of this answer [reflecting your humility and faith], go [knowing that your request is granted]; the demon has left your daughter [permanently].” 30 And returning to her home, she found the child lying on the couch [relaxed and resting], the demon having gone. 31 Soon after this Jesus left the region of Tyre, and passed through Sidon to the Sea of Galilee, through the region of Decapolis [the ten Hellenistic cities]. 32 They brought to Him a man who was deaf and had difficulty speaking, and they begged Jesus to place His hand on him. 33 Jesus, taking him aside by himself, away from the crowd, put His fingers into the man’s ears, and after spitting, He touched the man’s tongue [with the saliva]; 34 and looking up to heaven, He sighed deeply and said to the man, “Ephphatha,” which [in Aramaic] means, “ i Be opened and released!” 35 And his ears were opened, his tongue was released, and he began speaking plainly.

• From The Decameron (1353)

  Saladin answered that this should without fail be accomplished and accordingly, on the morrow, meaning to send him away that same night, he let make, in a great hall of his palace, a very goodly and rich bed of mattresses, all, according to their usance, of velvet and cloth of gold and caused lay thereon a counterpoint curiously wrought in various figures with great pearls and jewels of great price (the which here in Italy was after esteemed an inestimable treasure) and two pillows such as sorted with a bed of that fashion. This done, he bade invest Messer Torello, who was presently well and strong again, in a gown of the Saracen fashion, the richest and goodliest thing that had ever been seen of any, and wind about his head, after their guise, one of his longest turban-cloths.[477] Then, it growing late, he betook himself with many of his barons to the chamber where Messer Torello was and seating himself, well nigh weeping, by his side, bespoke him thus; 'Messer Torello, the hour draweth near that is to sunder me from you, and since I may not bear you company nor cause you to be accompanied, by reason of the nature of the journey you have to make, which suffereth it not, needs must I take leave of you here in this chamber, to which end I am come hither. Wherefore, ere I commend you to God, I conjure you, by that love and that friendship that is between us, that you remember you of me and if it be possible, ere our times come to an end, that, whenas you have ordered your affairs in Lombardy, you come at the least once to see me, to the end that, what while I am cheered by your sight, I may then supply the default which needs must I presently commit by reason of your haste; and against that betide, let it not irk you to visit me with letters and require me of such things as shall please you; for that of a surety I will more gladly do them for you than for any man alive.' [Footnote 477: It may be well to remind the European reader that the turban consists of two parts, _i.e._ a skull-cap and a linen cloth, which is wound round it in various folds and shapes, to form the well-known Eastern head-dress.]

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  Getting back to what started this discussion – how genetics might influence our anger – testosterone is undeniably predicted by our genes. We’ve had research on this for quite some time, but in the past decade alone, multiple studies have demonstrated through a variety of different methods that our genes explain testosterone levels. One of these studies included data from more than 400,000 participants and showed that (1) testosterone levels are inherited for both men and women and (2) those high levels also predict a variety of physical health consequences.26 Of course, none of this matters unless it informs the way we think about the angry people in our lives so that we may deal more effectively with them. We can’t intervene in another person’s biology, so why is this important? For me, it goes back to something I brought up in the introduction – that we should try to approach the angry people in our lives from a place of compassion and understanding. To really understand the angry people we deal with, we need an understanding of where that anger comes from. The “E” in “G × E” As I was looking at the current research on genetics and testosterone, I found a recent study that gave me pause. It was a 2018 paper27 that looked at both genetic factors and childhood environmental factors in the prediction of testosterone. The authors of the study, Dr. Kesson Magid and colleagues from Durham University, argue that testosterone levels were better predicted by childhood experiences than by genetics. It’s a smaller study, only 359 participants compared to the 400,000-person study I describe above, so I am cautious about drawing too many conclusions from it. At the same time, though, it gets at the E part of the G × E interaction we’ve been talking about. All of these biological differences (such as genes, brain structures, hormones) we’ve been talking about as predictors of anger, they are absolutely rooted in our genes. At the same time, though, our experiences – particularly those in childhood – matter. Nathan wasn’t just the product of his dad’s genes. He was the product of his dad’s parenting. His anger also came from his dad’s behavior, his dad’s worldview, and from dynamics of their relationship. In the next chapter, we’ll talk more specifically about those developmental factors and how they influence anger. ACTIVITY: WHAT DOES BIOLOGY HAVE TO DO WITH IT? Regarding any angry people in your life, take some time to think about what might be the biological contributors to their angry personalities.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  becomes far more complex and navigating such an experience requires a different level of emotional insight and understanding. We must be able to understand and manage our own emotions at the same time that we are understanding and managing theirs. Angry People Aren’t Necessarily Monsters For various reasons, angry people are often seen as bad people. Anger is perceived as controllable in ways that sadness and anxiety are not, so people who have anger problems are thought of as culpable in ways that depressed or anxious people are not. Add to this that angry people might hurt those around them, through physical or verbal aggression, and there ends up being a particularly negative perception of people with anger problems. They are often considered thoughtless, selfish, insensitive, and cruel. I want to push back on this perspective a little bit. Our anger can come from a lot of places, and not all of those places are rooted in cruelty or disrespect. Are there angry people who at their core are narcissistic or antisocial? Yes. Are there people whose anger is rooted in a deep-seated belief that they are better than others and who have a lack of remorse for others? Of course. Such people do indeed exist and their anger can be exceptionally toxic and potentially dangerous. For others, though, their anger is rooted in something else. It may be hurt, fear, or even concern for the world around them*. There are people, for instance, with such strong opinions about justice that injustice of any sort is particularly triggering for them. They look around and see a world with deep unfairness, and they spend much of their life angry about it. Even small instances of unfairness send them into an anger spiral, not because of a lack of caring or understanding for others, but for the opposite reason. They care a great deal for humanity and can’t stomach some of what they witness. As you read this book, I’m going to ask you to do something that might be challenging. Please try to look at the angry people in your life through a lens of compassion and understanding. Make an effort to see the world through their

• From The Case for God (2009)

  As the Enlightenment intensified, Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712–78), the Genevan philosopher, educationist, and essayist who had settled in Paris, came to many of the same conclusions as Vico. He did not share the philosophes’ optimistic vision of improvement. Science, he believed, was divisive, because very few people could participate in the scientific revolution and most were left behind. As a result, people were living in different intellectual worlds. Scientific rationalism, which cultivated a dispassionate objectivity, could obscure “the natural repugnance to see any sensitive being perish or suffer.”34 Knowledge, Rousseau believed, had become cerebral; instead we should listen to the “heart.” For Rousseau the “heart” was not equivalent to emotion; it referred to a receptive attitude of silent waiting—not unlike Greek hesychia—that was ready to listen to the instinctive impulses that precede our conscious words and thoughts. Instead of attending to reason alone, we should learn to hear this timid voice of nature as a corrective to the aggressive reasoning of those philosophers who sought to master the emotions and bring the more unruly elements of life under control.35 In his novel Émile (1762), Rousseau tried to show how an individual could be educated in this attitude. The self-emptying of kenosis was a crucial part of his program. It was amour propre (“self-love”) that imprisoned the soul within itself and corrupted our reasoning powers with selfishness and arrogance. So before he attained the age of reason, a child should be taught not to dominate others; instead of receiving a purely theoretical education, he must cultivate the virtue of compassion by means of disciplined action. As a result of this training, when his reasoning powers finally developed, they would not be distorted by egotism. In the novel, Émile is able to persuade Sophie, who represents Wisdom, to marry him only when he is prepared to forgo his attachment to her: “The fear of losing everything will prevent you from possessing everything.”36 Rousseau had no time for Christianity, whose God, he felt, had become a mere projection of human desires. He was looking for the “God” that transcended the old doctrines, a deity that would be discovered by kenosis, compassion, and the humble contemplation of the majesty of the universe.

• From Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir (2017)

  I knew that nod—that characteristic nod cluster of hers, one sharp chin jerk followed by two or three soft nods—her somatic Morse code to tell me I had made a satisfactory response. I had grasped the first lesson—that to treat grief, the therapist cannot stay distant, but must encounter mortality at close range. And many more lessons followed around which I chose to structure the story. In this tale, the patient was the real teacher, and I was only the intermediary passing on her lessons. T he piece I most enjoyed writing was without a doubt “The Hungarian Cat Curse.” In this story, Ernest Lash (on leave from Lying on the Couch ) attempts to treat Merges, a vicious, German-speaking cat in his ninth and final life. Merges was a well-traveled character who, in an earlier life, had consorted with Xanthippe, a cat living in Heidegger’s home, and was now mercilessly haunting Artemis, Ernest’s lover. On one level the story is a farce, but on another level I think it may be my deepest discourse on death and the amelioration of death terror. I wrote much of the story during a visit with Bob Berger, a close friend since medical school who died during the writing of this memoir. I set the story in Budapest, and Bob, who had grown up in Hungary, gave me Hungarian names for the characters, streets, bridges, and rivers. I fondly remember a public reading of Momma and the Meaning of Life at Book Depot in Mill Valley, where my son Ben, a theater director, and I read the Ernest-Merges conversation aloud. I’m not keen on memorial services, but if my family decides to have one after my death, I’d like that dialogue to be read—it would lighten up the event. So please, Ben, play the cat and choose one of your brothers, or one of your favorite actors, to play Ernest.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  eyes and to understand their origin story. This doesn’t mean that you should put up with their hostility or tolerate their abuse. Far from it. I would never ask anyone to tolerate an abusive, hostile, or dangerous situation. It simply means that you make an effort to consider the world from their perspective and that you have concern for the ways they may have suffered. TIP Therapy services can be a useful step when distancing yourself from an angry person is challenging. Sometimes, Though, Angry People May be Toxic and Dangerous That said, we also need to recognize that some angry people may be bad for you. It’s not necessarily that they are “bad people,” rather their presence in your life may not be healthy for you. Much of what people have shared with me through the interviews I’ve done and through social media is that living with angry people, especially those who express their anger outwardly in aggressive ways, can be exhausting and take a considerable toll on one’s mental health. They have told me that they spend much of their time not just managing their own emotions, but trying to manage the emotions of this angry person too. They never get to feel comfortable or be themselves because they are too busy trying to prevent this bomb from going off. Please do not think of this book as a field guide for how to tolerate abuse. The last thing I want is for people to think that they are expected to endure hostile and aggressive behavior. In an ideal world, angry people would work on their own emotions so the rest of us wouldn’t need to carry that emotional labor. They would deal with their own anger and they would treat people well. My last book, Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change, was designed to help angry people do this very thing. The problem, though, is that not every angry person wants to be less angry. Their anger serves them in a way that they like. They might even be reinforced for their anger, so they would see

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24 “When he began the accounting, one who owed him 10,000 i talents was brought to him. 25 “But because he could not repay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and his children and everything that he possessed, and payment to be made. 26 “So the slave fell on his knees and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27 “And his master’s heart was moved with compassion and he released him and forgave him [canceling] the debt. 28 “But that same slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him j a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began choking him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe!’ 29 “So his fellow slave fell on his knees and begged him earnestly, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30 “But he was unwilling and he went and had him thrown in prison until he paid back the debt. 31 “When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and they went and reported to their master [with clarity and in detail] everything that had taken place. 32 “Then his master called him and said to him, ‘You wicked and contemptible slave, I forgave all that [great] debt of yours because you begged me. 33 ‘Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave [who owed you little by comparison], as I had mercy on you?’ 34 “And in wrath his master turned him over to the torturers (jailers) until he paid all that he owed. 35 “My heavenly Father will also do the same to [every one of] you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” Matthew 19 Concerning Divorce 1 N ow when Jesus had finished saying these things, He left Galilee and went into the part of Judea that is beyond the Jordan; 2 and large crowds followed Him, and He healed them there. 3 And Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 4 He replied, “Have you never read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE , 5 and said, ‘F OR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED INSEPARABLY TO HIS WIFE , AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH ’? [Gen 1:27 ; 2:24 ; Mark 10:7 ] 6 “So they are no longer two, but one flesh.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  6 Because of these [sinful] things the [divine] wrath of God is coming b on the sons of disobedience [those who fail to listen and who routinely and obstinately disregard God’s precepts], 7 and in these [sinful things] you also once walked, when you were habitually living in them [without the knowledge of Christ]. 8 But now rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, malice, slander, and obscene (abusive, filthy, vulgar) language from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old self with its evil practices, 10 and have put on the new [spiritual] self who is being continually renewed in true knowledge in the image of Him who created the new self— [Gen 1:26 ] 11 a renewal in which there is no [distinction between] Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, [nor between nations whether] c barbarian or d Scythian, [nor in status whether] slave or free, but Christ is all, and in all [so believers are equal in Christ, without distinction]. 12 So, as God’s own chosen people, who are holy [set apart, sanctified for His purpose] and well-beloved [by God Himself], put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience [which has the power to endure whatever injustice or unpleasantness comes, with good temper]; 13 bearing graciously with one another, and willingly forgiving each other if one has a cause for complaint against another; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so should you forgive. 14 Beyond all these things put on and wrap yourselves in [unselfish] love, which is the perfect bond of unity [for everything is bound together in agreement when each one seeks the best for others]. 15 Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were called as members in one body [of believers]. And be thankful [to God always]. 16 Let the [spoken] word of Christ have its home within you [dwelling in your heart and mind—permeating every aspect of your being] as you teach [spiritual things] and admonish and train one another with all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 Whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus [and in dependence on Him], giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Family Relations 18 Wives, be e subject to your husbands [out of respect for their position as protector, and their accountability to God], as is proper and f fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives [with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them] and do not be embittered or resentful toward them [because of the responsibilities of marriage].

• From Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir (2017)

  Eventually, I resolved to rebuild my body: I joined a gym and forced myself to work out daily. No matter how bad I felt, I absolutely ignored any pleas or excuses from my body and maintained my regimen at the gym, and eventually I regained my health. Looking back on this time, I recall how often my twelve-year-old son, Ben, came into my bedroom and sat silently with me. For those two years I missed playing tennis with him, never taught him chess, never took bicycle rides with him (though he recalls our playing backgammon and reading aloud The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant by Stephen Donaldson). Ever since that time, I have felt tremendous empathy for patients suffering from mysterious non-diagnosable illnesses, such as chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. It was a dark chapter in my life, and almost all memories of those days have faded—but I know it was my ultimate test of endurance. T hough I did not meditate again for many years, I’ve come to have a higher regard for the practice, partly because I’ve known many people to whom it has given relief from suffering and offered a path to a compassionate life. In the past three years I’ve read more about meditation, spoken to colleagues with a meditation practice, and experimented with different approaches. Often, in the evening when I feel agitated, I listen to one of the countless sleep meditations available on the Internet, and often fall asleep before the end of the meditation. India was my first in-depth introduction to Asian culture. It was not to be my last.

• From Another Country (1962)

  “I’m going to try to pull myself together,” he said, “and get back to work.” But he found it unimaginable that he would ever work again, that he would ever play drums again. “Have you seen your family? I think Vivaldo’s seen your sister a couple of times. She’s very worried about you.” “I’m going up there,” he said. “I haven’t wanted to go—looking this way.” “They don’t care how you look,” she said, shortly. “I don’t care how you look. I’m just glad to see you’re all right—and I’m not even related to you.” He thought, with a great deal of wonder, That’s true, and turned to stare at her again, smiling a little and very close to tears. “I’ve always thought of you,” she said, “as a very nice person.” She gave his arm a little tap and pushed a crumpled bill into his hand. “It might help if you thought of yourself that way.” “Hey, old lady,” Richard called, “want to make it in?” “I guess so,” she said, and yawned. “I suppose we’ve celebrated enough for one night, one book.” She rose and returned to her side of the table and began to gather her things together. Rufus was suddenly afraid to see her go. “Can I come to see you soon?” he asked, with a smile. She stared at him across the width of the table. “Please do,” she said. “Soon.” Richard knocked his pipe out and put it in his pocket, looking around for the waiter. Vivaldo was staring at something, at someone, just behind Rufus and suddenly seemed about to spring out of his seat. “Well,” he said, faintly, “here’s Jane,” and Jane walked over to the table. Her short, graying hair was carefully combed, which was unusual, and she was wearing a dark dress, which was also unusual. Perhaps Vivaldo was the only person there who had ever seen her out of blue jeans and sweaters. “Hi, everybody,” she said, and smiled her bright, hostile smile. She sat down. “Haven’t seen any of you for months.” “Still painting?” Cass asked. “Or have you given that up?” “I’ve been working like a dog,” Jane said, continuing to look around her and avoiding Vivaldo’s eyes. “Seems to suit you,” Cass muttered, and put on her coat. Jane looked at Rufus, beginning, it seemed, to recover her self-possession. “How’ve you been, Rufus?” “Just fine,” he said. “We’ve all been dissipating,” said Richard, “but you look like you’ve been being a good girl and getting your beauty sleep every night.” “You look great,” said Vivaldo, briefly. For the first time she looked directly at him. “Do I? I guess I’ve been feeling pretty well. I’ve cut down on my drinking,” and she laughed a little too loudly and looked down. Richard was paying the waiter and had stood up, his trench coat over his arm. “Are you all leaving?” “We’ve got to,” said Cass, “we’re just dull, untalented, old married people.”

• From Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir (2017)

  The psychiatry building, the Phipps Clinic, containing six inpatient wards and an outpatient department, had opened in 1912, when it was overseen by Adolf Meyer, who was succeeded by John Whitehorn in 1940. The four-story red brick building was sturdy and dignified; the elevator operator, a fixture for four decades, was courteous and friendly. And the nursing staff, young and old alike, sprang to their feet when any physician entered the nurses’ station—ah, those were the days! Though hundreds of patients have passed from my memory, I remember many of my first patients at Hopkins with eerie clarity. There was Sarah B., the wife of a Texas oil tycoon, who had been in the hospital for several months with catatonic schizophrenia. She was mute and often frozen into one position for hours at a time. My work with her was wholly intuitive: supervisors were of little help, because no one knew how to treat such patients—they were considered beyond reach. I took care to meet with her every day for not less than fifteen minutes in my small office in the long hallway just outside the ward. She had been entirely mute for months, and since she never responded by word or gesture to any question, I did all the talking. I told her about my day, the newspaper headlines, my thoughts about the group meetings on the ward, issues I was exploring in my own analysis, and the books I was reading. Sometimes her lips moved but no words were uttered; her facial expression never changed, and her large, plaintive blue eyes remained fixed upon my face. And then, one day, as I was babbling along about the weather, she suddenly stood up, walked over to me, and kissed me hard on the lips. I was flabbergasted, didn’t know what to say, but kept my composure, and, after musing aloud about possible reasons for the kiss, I escorted her back to the ward and tore over to my supervisor’s office to discuss the incident. The one part I didn’t acknowledge to my supervisor was that I had rather enjoyed the kiss—she was an attractive woman and her kiss had aroused me, but I never for a moment forgot that my role was to heal her. After that, things continued as before for weeks longer until I decided to try a course of treatment with Pacatal, a major new tranquilizer (now long discarded) that had just come on the market. To everyone’s great surprise, Sarah was a changed person within a week, talking often and generally quite coherently. In my office we engaged in long discussions about the stresses in her life preceding her illness, and at some point I commented on my feelings about meeting with her silently for so long and my many doubts that I had offered her anything in those sessions. She replied immediately, “Oh no, Dr. Yalom. You are wrong. Don’t feel that way.