Relief

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  'This,' said he, 'is the most efficient exorcism in Italy against the evil eye. Moreover he has doubtless forgotten both you and me by this time—nay, even the very idea of having written this note.' "'Why?' "'Because he has found out a new lover.' "'Who, the Spahi officer?' "'No, a young Arab. Anyhow we'll know who it is by the subject of the picture he is going to paint. Some time ago he was only dreaming of a pendant to the three Graces, which to him represented the mystic trinity of tribadism.' "A few days afterwards we met Briancourt in the green room of the Opera. When he saw us, he looked away and tried to shun us. I would have done the same. "'No,' said Teleny, 'let us go and speak to him and have matters out. In such things never shew the slightest fear. If you face the enemy boldly, you have already half vanquished him.' Then, going up to him and dragging me with him,—'Well,' said he, stretching out his hand, 'what has become of you? It is some days since we have seen each other.' "'Of course,' replied he, 'new friends make us forget old ones.' "'Like new pictures old ones. By the bye, what sketch have you begun?' "'Oh, something glorious!—a picture that will make a mark, if any does.' "'But what is it?' "'Jesus Christ.' "'Jesus Christ?' "'Yes, since I knew Achmet, I have been able to understand the Saviour. You would love Him, too,' added he, 'if you could see those dark, mesmeric eyes, with their long and jetty fringe.' "'Love whom," said Teleny, 'Achmet or Christ?' "'Christ, of course!' quoth Briancourt, shrugging his shoulders. 'You would be able to fathom the influence He must have had over the crowd. My Syrian need not speak to you, he lifts his eyes upon you and you grasp the meaning of his thoughts. Christ, likewise, never wasted His breath spouting cant to the multitude. He wrote on the sand, and could thereby "look the world to law." As I was saying, I shall paint Achmet as the Saviour, and you,' added he to Teleny, 'as John, the disciple He loved; for the Bible clearly says and continually repeats that He loved this favourite disciple.' "'And how will you paint Him?' "'Christ erect, clasping John, who hugs Him, and who leans his head on his friend's bosom. Of course there must be something lovably soft and womanly in the disciple's look and attitude; he must have your visionary violet eyes and your voluptuous mouth. Crouched at their feet there will be one of the many adulterous Marys, but Christ and the other—as John modestly terms himself, as if he were his Master's mistress—look down at her with a dreamy, half-scornful, half-pitiful expression.'

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  We were at a light, so he could. “Why didn’t I get there sooner? Just ten minutes and I could have saved you…” My shock drew me out. For a minute I was a different Senna. Appalled, I said, “It’s not your fault.” The light turned green, the truck ahead of us pulled forward. Before Dr. Isaac Asterholder put his foot on the gas, he said, “It’s not yours either.” The drive from the hospital to my house is roughly ten minutes. There are three traffic lights, a brief stint on the highway, and a steep, winding hill that makes even the toughest car have bad labor pains. Chopin was playing softly from the speakers as the doctor drove me home the rest of the way in silence. His car interior was cream; soothing. He pulled into my driveway and immediately got out to open my door. I had to remind myself to move, to walk, to put my keys into the lock. It all took conscious effort, as if I was controlling my limbs from outside my body—a puppet master and a puppet at the same time. And maybe I was not in my body. Maybe the real me kept running on that trail, and what he grabbed was a different part. Maybe you could detach from the ugly things that happened to you. But even as I opened the door I knew it wasn’t true. I felt too much fear. “Do you want me to check the house?” Dr. Asterholder asked. His eyes moved past me into the foyer. I looked at him, grateful for the suggestion and also afraid of letting him in. In all respects, he was the man who saved me, yet I was still looking at him like he could attack me at any minute. He seemed to sense that. I cast my own glance into the darkness behind me, and suddenly felt too afraid to even flick on the light switch. What would be there? The man who raped me? “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He took a voluntary step back, away from me and the house. “I’m fine with just dropping you off.” “Wait,” I said. I was ashamed of my voice, swollen with panic. “Please check.” It took everything for me to say that, to ask for help. He nodded. I stepped aside to let him in. When you allow someone into your house to check for the boogey man, you are unwittingly letting him into your life as well. I waited on a barstool in my kitchen while he inspected the rooms. I could hear him moving around from the bedrooms to the bathrooms, then to my office, which hung over the kitchen. You are in shock, I told myself. He checked each window and door. When he finished he pulled out a card from his wallet and slid it on the counter toward me. “Call me anytime you need me. My house is a mile away.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Had Jennifer and Eric needed to take ecstasy on a regular basis to sustain their intimacy, the quality of their relationship would eventually have deteriorated until there was nothing left but an artificial high. Luckily, their drug experience was simply a tool that worked for them. SURPRISE AND SEXUAL FREEDOMOf course, inhibitions release their grip in many other circumstances. As you may recall from Chapter 1, surprises are a common memorability factor. One marvelous aspect of a sexual surprise is that it obliterates our inhibitions and catches us with our defenses down. Sean, a gay man in his early twenties, demonstrates this process with an ironic twist: I had an incredible experience after I broke up with my lover of three years. Ours had been the first relationship for us both so it was quite tumultuous. Even though we were no longer an “item” we still saw each other around town. One time we stopped to chat, went out for coffee, and, to my total amazement, eventually ended up in bed—the first time in over a year. Our sex life had never been easy, but this time I was so comfortable with Bill I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t worry about what he thought of me, or how I looked, or whether he liked what I was doing, or when we were going to come, or anything! None of that mattered at all. After sex we lay in bed watching the sunset. At one point I was almost shocked to realize his hand had been resting on my dick and mine on his for a long time. I don’t remember ever being so exposed yet so relaxed. We commented how funny it was that we would finally be comfortable with each other now that our relationship was over. It was sad but also very positive. I not only let go of my sexual inhibitions that day, I also gave up most of my resentments. It certainly made our breakup a lot less painful. We’re still close friends. Sean’s unexpected freedom with Bill illustrates the paradoxical nature of inhibitions. Even though it’s easy to assume that we’d all be much better off without them, sexual inhibitions often play a positive role in memorable sex by providing the reticence and restraint out of which freedom can spring. When inhibitions loosen their grip they release a burst of energy and vitality. Again and again The Group’s stories illustrate this dynamic interaction of inhibition and excitation. VALIDATION GIVEN AND RECEIVEDWhenever I discuss the rewards of peak eroticism with my clients, sooner or later it usually comes down to this: satisfying sex leaves the participants feeling affirmed, highly desirable, and worth-while—deeply validated. Focus your attention on the warm glow of fulfillment following a peak turn-on and you’ll probably notice a good feeling about yourself and an unmistakable appreciation of your partner. If you and your partner also care for each other, the affirmation will mean even more.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  I was alone, even my mother was away. I therefore bade them go, saying I should remain with the head book-keeper. They did not wait to be told twice; in a twinkling the offices were empty. "As for the accountant, he was a commercial fossil, a kind of living calculating machine; grown so old in the office that all his limbs creaked like rusty hinges every time he moved, so that he hardly ever did move. Nobody had ever seen him anywhere else but on his high stool; he was always at his place before any of the junior clerks came in, he was still there when they went off. Life for him had only one aim—that of making endless additions. "Feeling rather sick, I sent the office boy for a bottle of dry sherry and a box of vanilla-wafers. When the lad returned I told him he could go. "I poured out a glass of wine for the bookkeeper, and handed him the box of biscuits. The old man took up the glass with his parchment-coloured hand, and held it up to the light as if he were calculating its chemical properties or its specific weight. Then he sipped it slowly with evident gusto. "As for the wafer he looked at it carefully, just as if it had been a draft he was going to register. "Then we both set to work again, and at about ten, all the letters and dispatches having been answered, I heaved a deep sigh of relief. "'If my manager comes to-morrow, as he said he would, he'll be satisfied with me.' "I smiled as this thought flitted through my brain. What was I working for? Lucre, to please my clerk, or for the work itself? I am sure I hardly knew. I think I laboured for the feverish excitement the work gave me, just as men play at chess to keep their brains active with other thoughts than those that oppress them; or, perhaps, because I was born with working propensities like bees or ants. "Not wanting to keep the poor book-keeper on his stool any longer, I admitted the fact to him that it was time to shut up the office. He got up slowly, with a crepitating sound, took off his spectacles like an automaton, wiped them leisurely, put them in their case, quietly took out another pair—for he had glasses for every occasion—put them on his nose, then looked at me. "'You have gone through a vast amount of work. If your grandfather and your father could have seen you, they surely would have been pleased with you.' "I again poured out two glasses of wine, one of which I handed to him. He quaffed the wine, pleased, not with the wine itself, but for my kindness in offering it to him. Then I shook hands with him, and we parted. "Where was I to go now—home? "I wished my mother had come back.

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  Nick looks confused, then it comes. He sees his replacement, the guy locked in a house with his ex-muse. “The doctor?” he asks, narrowing his eyes. “Isaac. His name is Isaac.” “ I’m your soulmate. I wrote that book for you.” He looks like he’s trying to convince himself, bobbing Adam’s apple and all. “You don’t know the first thing about what it is to have a soulmate.” I feel such a pull toward Isaac I wonder if he’s having this same fight with Daphne. “It’s time for you to leave,” I say. It feels so good to say it. Because this time, I’m not even going to cry. On the day I am scheduled to leave, I find a brown envelope on my windshield. I briefly think that I received a parking ticket somewhere, and failed to notice it until now. But when I lift my wiper and pull it away the paper is crisp, not something that’s been sitting outside in the wet, Seattle air. It’s also heavyish. My universe tilts. I spin in a circle looking for him in the trees and down the driveway. I know he’s not here. I know that. But he was, and I can feel him. Everything is boxed up in my house, including my sound system, so I turn the car on and push the silver disc into the car radio. It has just started to snow, so I open all of the windows and blast my heat so I can have the best of both worlds. I hit play, and hold on to the steering wheel. I’m about to careen off a cliff. I know it. I can hardly breathe as I listen to the last song that Isaac will ever give me. I listen to it while my breath freezes and smokes into the air. And while snow flies into the car windows. And while my heart beats, and then aches, and then beats. I listen to my soulmate’s heart with saltwater seeping out of my eyes. He’s speaking to me through a song. Like he always has. It’s a hard thing to know that I’m never going to see him again or hear his music, which woke me up from a long, restless sleep. The shadows still chase me. And I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, he won’t be there to climb in bed behind me and command them away with the complex way he loves me. The song crushes me. Our cosmic love, our cosmic connection . Nick was wrong about me. Having a mud vein didn’t kill me; it saved me. My vein drew Isaac. He was the light and he followed me into the darkness. He became the darkness, then he carried my burdens so I wouldn’t have to. Isaac saved me from myself, but in the end, no one could save me from cancer.

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  I want more answers, but I know my time is up. He leads me to the door by my elbow. I look back at Saphira. She’s staring into space, serene. “He would have died without you, too,” she says before the door closes. I want to ask her what she means, but the door swings closed. And that is the last time I ever see Saphira Elgin alive. Detective Garrison is kind. I think this case is above his pay grade. He’s not sure what to do with me—so he tries to feed me doughnuts and sandwiches. I eat none of it, but I appreciate the sentiment. There are six people in the room with me; two of them leaning against the wall, the others sitting. I give them my statement. I tell a tape recorder what the last fourteen months looked like; each day, each hunger pain, each time I thought one of us would die. When I am finished the room is quiet. Detective Garrison is the first to clear his throat. That’s when I dare ask about Isaac. I’ve been too afraid up until now. Thinking his name alone hurts me. Hearing someone speak about him feels … wrong. He’s been with me for all this time. Now he’s not. “Dr. Elgin got him over the Canadian border and took him to a hospital in Victoria. Took him is an ambitious word,” he says. “She dropped him outside the Emergency room and drove off. He was unconscious for twenty-four hours before he finally started to come out of it. He grabbed a nurse by the arm and managed to say your name. The nurse recognized your name right away due to the media buzz you caused when you disappeared. She notified the police. By the time they got there Isaac was able to talk. He told them you were in a cabin somewhere near a cliff, but couldn’t give them much more than that.” I am quiet. “So he’s okay?” “Yes, he is. He’s with his family in Seattle.” That hurts and brings me relief. I wonder what it was like meeting his baby for the first time. “How did she do it? Get both of us to that house? Cross borders? She must have had help.” He shakes his head. “We are still questioning her. She took Isaac to the hospital in an RV. She was in the same RV when she tried to cross the border back into Alaska. When they searched her vehicle they found a false floorboard with a space large enough to hold two bodies. We think she drugged you and put you both in there. We don’t know anything about help, we’re still questioning her.” “Back into Alaska?” I ask. “She was coming back for me?” He shakes his head. “We don’t know.” I slam my fist on the table, frustrated. “What do you know?” He looks affronted. I try to soften my face. This isn’t his fault.

• From Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (2007)

  Indeed, many of us tend to think of ourselves as brains or souls crammed inside of a shell—a shell that is our body. We delude ourselves into believing that the shell itself is not important, not connected to our consciousness, that it’s merely a vessel that contains us, or a vehicle that we move about with our minds. But the truth is, our bodies are inseparable from our minds. This becomes evident whenever hunger, thirst, or physical pain grows to the point where we can think of nothing else, or when mental grief or stress manifests itself in physical aches and exhaustion. All of us who have experienced the physical difference between feeling healthy and feeling ill, or perhaps most profoundly, between pre- and postpuberty, have a deep understanding (whether we acknowledge it or not) that our body feelings make a vital and substantial contribution to our senses of self.You could say that my decision to transition was primarily driven by my choosing to trust my body feelings—in this case, my subconscious sex—over my conscious understanding of gender. So perhaps it’s no surprise that the most immediate change in my body feelings that I experienced upon starting hormone therapy was an easing of my gender dissonance—the chronic gender sadness that I had carried around with me for as long as I could remember. I am not sure whether this was a direct effect of having female hormones in my system or a more psychological effect of knowing that my body was finally moving in the right direction. Either way, the relief I felt was beyond measure; for the first time in my life, I slowly began to feel comfortable being in my own skin.Female hormones have also produced numerous other body feelings that have greatly reshaped my sense of self. There have been profound changes in the way that I experience sensations and emotions, and in my tastes, urges, and responses to stimuli. And the physical changes to my body, which unfolded over a greater span of time, have also influenced the way I experience the world. Granted, when strangers first began gendering me as female (back when I was still identifying as genderqueer), unclothed I probably looked like a slightly feminized male. But after five years of being on female hormones, there is virtually nothing about my body that looks or feels male (with the obvious exception of my genitals, as I have not had bottom surgery).

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  The focus on abstinence that is appropriate for severe chemical addictions usually ends up making matters worse when applied to compulsive sex or obsessive “love.” This is not to say that abstinence can’t be a valuable tool as part of the process of erotic change. In Step 3 you saw that under certain conditions choosing to abstain from a problematic sexual pattern can be useful. But I’m convinced that a premature emphasis on abstinence increases the intensity of troublesome sexual urges by encouraging the struggle that fuels them. The erotic equation has shown us why fighting a sexual impulse only makes it stronger. Alcoholics and other substance abusers usually have only one choice when it comes to their preferred drug—stay away from it. But no matter how compulsive sexual behavior may become, for erotic healing to take place, an increasing range of self-affirming choices must be claimed for oneself. One’s power to choose is ultimately what induces sexual well-being. WHAT ABOUT THERAPY?All the people you’ve met in the last three chapters have worked with me in therapy. A supportive, nonjudgmental atmosphere facilitates disclosure of erotic secrets. In addition, some sort of therapeutic involvement is usually necessary to help uncover memories and beliefs that operate unconsciously. I’m not suggesting, however, that everyone with an erotic problem should enter therapy. Many people can make considerable progress on their own—if they are sufficiently motivated and know how to proceed. Nevertheless, it’s very difficult to probe the many layers of your erotic mind by yourself. It’s a great relief to discuss thoughts and feelings honestly with at least one other person who genuinely listens without pushing any particular agenda. If you’re fortunate enough to have a friend who listens respectfully and discloses intimate information of his or her own, perhaps the two of you can help each other with series of discussions. Although many people consider their lovers or spouses their best friends, there’s no set rule about how many of your deepest erotic yearnings you should reveal to your partner. No matter how intimate your relationship, your lover can never be truly neutral about all your turn-ons, especially ones involving other people. Many partners are also threatened by details about each other’s past experiences. That said, I’ve known many couples who openly discussed the most private erotic matters and grew much closer—and quite stimulated—as a result. Especially when the time comes to try out new forms of sexual expression with a partner, your experiments are much more likely to be beneficial if the two of you communicate honestly about your intentions and feelings ahead of time. Sometimes problematic erotic patterns are so much a part of who you are that you are unable to see them clearly—let alone resolve them. Then it may be wise to consult a therapist. But how do you know when to seek professional help? If two or more of the following statements apply to you, at least consider therapy:

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  Detective Garrison chooses that exact moment to come back. I want more time with her. I want more answers, but I know my time is up. He leads me to the door by my elbow. I look back at Saphira. She’s staring into space, serene. “He would have died without you, too,” she says before the door closes. I want to ask her what she means, but the door swings closed. And that is the last time I ever see Saphira Elgin alive. Detective Garrison is kind. I think this case is above his pay grade. He’s not sure what to do with me—so he tries to feed me doughnuts and sandwiches. I eat none of it, but I appreciate the sentiment. There are six people in the room with me; two of them leaning against the wall, the others sitting. I give them my statement. I tell a tape recorder what the last fourteen months looked like; each day, each hunger pain, each time I thought one of us would die. When I am finished the room is quiet. Detective Garrison is the first to clear his throat. That’s when I dare ask about Isaac. I’ve been too afraid up until now. Thinking his name alone hurts me. Hearing someone speak about him feels … wrong. He’s been with me for all this time. Now he’s not. “Dr. Elgin got him over the Canadian border and took him to a hospital in Victoria. Took him is an ambitious word,” he says. “She dropped him outside the Emergency room and drove off. He was unconscious for twenty-four hours before he finally started to come out of it. He grabbed a nurse by the arm and managed to say your name. The nurse recognized your name right away due to the media buzz you caused when you disappeared. She notified the police. By the time they got there Isaac was able to talk. He told them you were in a cabin somewhere near a cliff, but couldn’t give them much more than that.” I am quiet. “So he’s okay?” “Yes, he is. He’s with his family in Seattle.” That hurts and brings me relief. I wonder what it was like meeting his baby for the first time. “How did she do it? Get both of us to that house? Cross borders? She must have had help.” He shakes his head. “We are still questioning her. She took Isaac to the hospital in an RV. She was in the same RV when she tried to cross the border back into Alaska. When they searched her vehicle they found a false floorboard with a space large enough to hold two bodies. We think she drugged you and put you both in there. We don’t know anything about help, we’re still questioning her.” “Back into Alaska?” I ask. “She was coming back for me?” He shakes his head. “We don’t know.” I slam my fist on the table, frustrated. “What do you know?”

• From The Great Transformation (2006)

  85 The texts depict Gotama attaining enlightenment in a single night, because they wanted to show the general contours of the process and were not interested in the historical details of the journey. But Gotama’s enlightenment was, almost certainly, no instant “born again” experience. He later warned his disciples that “in this method, training, discipline and practice take effect by slow degrees, with no sudden perception of the ultimate truth.” 86 The traditional story has Gotama sitting down under a bodhi tree in a pleasant grove near the city of Uruvela, beside the Neranjara River. The Pali scriptures tell us that in the course of a single meditation, he gained an insight that changed him forever and was convinced that he had liberated himself from the cycle of rebirth. 87 But there seems little that is new in this insight, usually formulated as the Four Noble Truths. Most renouncers would have agreed with the first three: that existence was dukkha, that desire was the cause of our suffering, and that there was a way out of this predicament. The fourth truth may have constituted the breakthrough: Gotama claimed that he had discovered the path that leads from suffering and pain to its cessation in nibbana. This path, traditionally called the Noble Eightfold Path, was a plan of action, consisting of morality (the cultivation of the “skillful” states), meditation, and the wisdom (panna) that enabled the aspirant to understand Gotama’s teaching “directly” through the practice of yoga and integrate it with his daily life. Gotama never claimed that the Noble Truths were unique, but that he was the first person in this historical era to have “realized” them and made them a reality in his own life. He found that he had extinguished the craving, hatred, and ignorance that hold humanity in thrall. He had reached nibbana, and even though he was still subject to physical ailments and other vicissitudes, nothing could touch this inner peace or cause him serious mental pain. His method had worked. “The holy life has been lived out to its conclusion!” he cried triumphantly at the end of his meditation under the bodhi tree. “What had to be done has been accomplished; there is nothing else to do!” 88 What was nibbana? The word, as we have seen, implies that Gotama, on achieving enlightenment, had been “snuffed out.” After his enlightenment, he was often called the Tathagata (“gone”), implying that “he” was no longer there. But this did not mean personal extinction. What had been extinguished was not Gotama the man but the fires of greed, hatred, and delusion. By tamping out the “unhelpful” states of mind, the Buddha (as we must now call Gotama) had achieved the peace of complete selflessness. This was a state that those of us who are still enmeshed in the toils of egotism cannot begin to imagine.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  I s there s omething analogous to this in Schopenhauer? Yes, there is, but it takes us very far away from Luther. Schopenhauer i s d efinitely breaking with any form of Christian or post-C h ristian thought. He e xplicitly espouses a Buddhist outlook, and s ees our liberation not in a tr a nsfiguration of ordinary life, far from it, but in an escape from the self and t he will altogether. And yet-Schopenhauer also offered something else, and th is was what turned out to be widely influential. He h ad a notion o f transfiguration, th rough art. Although w e do not achieve the total liberation of nirvana, we c an manage to quiet the will in us when we grasp the Ideas, the eternal forms w hich unde rlie th e particular examples we meet in the world of objectifica ti ons of th e will on their various levels. We encounter these principally in art. And we attain thi s stilling and contemplation most dir e ctly in music, because this is not merely a p i cture of the will's objectification s but in so me way a d i rect picture of the will itsel f . 64 Schopenha uer takes from Kant the key doctrine that aesthetic contem- 444 · S U BT LE R LA NG U A GE S pl ation is disinterested, and translates that as a disengagement from the : pr essure of the will. It suddenly raises us out of the endless stream of willing, and snatches knowledge from the thraldom of the will ... Then all at once the peace, always sought but always escaping us ... comes to us of its own accord, and all is well with us. It is the painless state, prized by Epicur us as the highest good and as the state of the Gods; for that moment we are deliver e d from the miserable pressure of the will. We celebrate the S abb ath of the penal servitude of willing; the wheel of lxion st ands st ill. 65 So Schopenhauer too offers a notion of the transfiguration of the real throu gh art, a realit y which itself is worthless and degraded. Schope nhauer's philosophy -not as he intended it, but as it took effect on th e culture of late-nineteenth-century Europe-was the basis of a family of theories of transfiguration through creative expression. Schopenhauer's philosophy itself w as a revolt against the whole Christian-inspired requirement that we affirm the goodne ss of what is. He wanted to throw off once and for all this terrible burden that Christian civilization has laid on us; to declare reality evil once and for all, a nd have done with it. But he o p ened the path by which the great majority of those who were inspired by him returned to the original framework. This is a testimony to its stren gt h in our civilization.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  Locke still had r ese rvations about this; h e was too conscious of human f railty. But th at i s w hat Lockean religion came to mean. 30 But if the Deism Locke inspired is not simply a cover for naturalism, this is not to say that some large p i ece of the ort h odox tradition hasn't been jettisoned. First, it is clear that the place of mystery in this religion shrinks to the vanishing p o int. God's providence becomes more and more scrutable, howe ve r much t he engineering detail m ay escape us. Many writers still gesture to higher purposes we don't understand, but the logic of the position drives towards rationa l transparency. T h is is just the ob verse s ide of the integration of auton o mous reason. Tolan d 's title-Christianity Not Mysterious-said it in a sh oc k ingly direct way, w hich earned him persecution and his book a condemnation of burning by the public hangman. Tindal spells out even further the rational comprehensibility of God's purposes. Indeed, they are nothing else except the "common Inter est, and mutual H appiness of his rational Creatures". 31 God is kind enough to make our acti ng for our present happiness the way of securing our future goods; 32 whi ch is to say that the re wards and punishments of a future life endorse the pat h which produces the most mutual happines s in this. Since humans cannot a ct other than under the impulsion to seek happiness, this system of rewards is in deed, the best suited for them. As for the details of God's will for us, w e only have to look into the "Book of Nature" to see what r elations we stand in, and what they require. Only a tyrant would impose commands w h ich do not flow from these relations. 33 In Tindal, we find the basic ideas of Locke's theology, but pushed to their logical conclusion and freed from all the anxious and conflicted sense of hu man imperfection and obdurac y which m ar ked the outlook o f the older man. We now have a reasonable Chr istian it y , without tears. More fundamentally, the place for grace tends to disa pp ear. If the good of 246 • THE AFFIRMATION OF ORDINARY LIF E man that God calls to becomes more and more available to human rational scrutiny, it also becomes more and more encompassable with human powers. These two changes are linked. There are two great traditional streams o f doctrine about grace and nature in Christian thought.

• From The Great Transformation (2006)

  85 After that moment, there was no going back. Once he had woken up to his true nature, the enlightened renouncer was no longer prey to the sufferings of life. He went on living in the natural world; he would still get sick, grow old, and die, but now that he was one with the purusha the pain could no longer touch him. Indeed, he would find himself saying, “It suffers,” rather than, “I suffer,” because sorrow had become a remote experience, distant from what he now understood to be his true identity. When he finally died, nature ceased to be active, and the purusha attained perfect freedom and could never enter another mortal, time-bound body. In one sense, Samkhya seemed to have detached itself entirely from Vedic religion. From the Samkhyan perspective, sacrifice was useless. The gods were also imprisoned by nature, so it was pointless to ask for their help. It was also counterproductive to try, by means of ritual, to build an atman that would survive in heaven, because the ego-self had to die. Only the special knowledge that was an awakening to our truest reality could bring permanent liberation. But even though it conflicted with Vedic orthodoxy, Samkhya was really a development of the traditional, archetypal vision of the perennial philosophy. People had always yearned to lose themselves in a celestial model, but Samkhya told them that this was not an external reality but existed within. They would not find the absolute by imitating a god, but by awakening to their most authentic self. The archetype did not exist in a remote, mythical realm but was inherent in the individual. Instead of merging with an external paradigmatic figure, they must identify with the internalized purusha. Samkhya marked a new stage in self-consciousness. People in India were becoming aware of a self that was obscured by the confusions of daily life, hidden in our bodies, fettered by our instincts, and only dimly aware of itself. The metaphysical drama of Samkhya revealed that which was specifically human yearning for liberation. People could reach beyond themselves by cultivating a greater self-awareness. But this did not mean self-indulgence, because it was the ego that held the self in thrall. The people of India were becoming aware of the grasping, selfish orientation of our mundane existence. The ego made us unable to look at anything without asking: “Do I want this?” “How can I benefit from it?” “Does this threaten me?” “Why have I not got this?” As a result, we never saw anything as it truly was because we were imprisoned in the toils of selfishness. Samkhya could envisage liberation from this clinging, frightened egotism into a state of being that, in our normal ego-obsessed existence, we could not conceive.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Herb expressed the hope that they could use this crisis to talk more openly about sex and become more experimental, maybe even acting out some of their fantasies. Melody, on the other hand, insisted that she didn’t fantasize, didn’t want to be adventuresome in bed, definitely didn’t want to be given any more lingerie, and hoped that Herb could somehow get over his fetish. But more than anything she made it abundantly clear that never again did she want to be confronted with this private aspect of Herb’s sexuality. If he couldn’t “get over it,” he at least had to keep it to himself. Reluctantly, Herb agreed. With the wall of privacy reestablished they resumed their warm and loving relationship and left therapy. Sharing the private world Some couples, unlike Melody and Herb, discover that they thoroughly enjoy sharing each other’s private sex lives, either directly or indirectly. For these adventurous pairs, masturbating together is a provocative way for each to demonstrate how he or she likes to be touched. What better way to learn precisely what works for your partner? Once you are past the initial awkwardness of participating in such a private act, the instruction process can be quite titillating. Sharing erotic fantasies is more complicated. The close link between masturbation and fantasy is one of the key reasons that solo sex is usually kept private. Many people find it difficult to masturbate without fantasizing, and difficult to fantasize freely in the presence of their partners. And even though it is known that men and women frequently fantasize about other people while making love with their partners, how many of us really want to hear about it? Even more challenging is the fact that fantasies are powerfully shaped by the fantasizer’s CET. And although every sexual relationship is influenced by the interplay of both partners’ CETs, openly discussing them is an entirely different matter. ACCOMMODATING EACH OTHER’S CETOne of the most unsettling of love’s rude awakenings is the realization that your partner’s deepest erotic yearnings are unexpectedly at odds with yours. I’m not referring to the everyday incompatibilities of timing, frequency, rhythm, and styles of touch that every couple encounters as their sex lives mature. There are much more difficult situations in which a person’s CET is unable to find an avenue of expression within the relationship. These serious erotic incompatibilities frequently don’t come to light until the relationship is well established. Theresa and Rita: The politics of fantasy

• From The Strange Order of Things: Life, Feeling, and the Making of Cultures (2018)

  Wars constitute a special case because they can prompt both constructive remedies and endless cycles of violence begetting violence. There is nothing to be added to what Homer, the Mahabharata, and Shakespeare’s history plays illustrate on this issue. Whether homeostasis is approached from the solace and consolation angle or from the benefits produced by collective organization and sociability, religion and homeostasis can be persuasively linked in terms of their origins and historical endurance, the latter being indicative of robust cultural selection. I suspect that Émile Durkheim—who placed the roots of religion in collective rituals of tribal peoples rather than in the assuaging of individual or small group sufferings—might agree. Such collective behaviors, as Durkheim commented, unleashed powerful, rewarding emotions and feelings. The collective behaviors of Durkheim’s tribal peoples, however, are likely to have been prompted by homeostatic instabilities in the first place. The homeostatically stabilizing outcome for the individuals in the group would still apply. Karl Marx is supposed to have talked about religion as “the opium of the masses” (although he did not quite say that; he said, instead, that religion was “the opium of the people,” the “masses” probably being a post-Leninist retrofit). What could be more homeostatically inspired than the notion of prescribing opioids to treat human pain and suffering? Marx also wrote, in advance of that famous sentence, “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions.” Here is an interesting mixture of social analysis and probing scrutiny of the cultural mind. It combines his rejection of religion with the pragmatic recognition that religion can be a soulful refuge in a dehumanized and soulless world. Noteworthy, considering that Marx had no idea of how dehumanized and soulless the world would become, especially the world he was responsible for inspiring. Noteworthy most of all because of the transparent linkage of life state, feelings, and cultural responses. 11 The fact that the history of religions is rife with episodes in which religious beliefs led and still lead to suffering, violence, and wars, hardly humanly desirable outcomes, in no way contradicts the homeostatic value that such beliefs did have and clearly still have for a large part of humanity. Finally, just as in the case of artistic endeavors, I need to make clear that I do not see religions as mere therapeutic responses. That the initial motivation of religious beliefs and practices was related to homeostatic compensation is both plausible and likely. How such early attempts evolved is another matter. The intellectual constructions that followed have gone beyond the goal of consolation to serve as instruments of inquiry and formulation of meaning where the compensation element is only a vestige. Practical goals were followed by philosophical explorations of the meaning of humans and universe.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Had Jennifer and Eric needed to take ecstasy on a regular basis to sustain their intimacy, the quality of their relationship would eventually have deteriorated until there was nothing left but an artificial high. Luckily, their drug experience was simply a tool that worked for them. SURPRISE AND SEXUAL FREEDOMOf course, inhibitions release their grip in many other circumstances. As you may recall from Chapter 1, surprises are a common memorability factor. One marvelous aspect of a sexual surprise is that it obliterates our inhibitions and catches us with our defenses down. Sean, a gay man in his early twenties, demonstrates this process with an ironic twist: I had an incredible experience after I broke up with my lover of three years. Ours had been the first relationship for us both so it was quite tumultuous. Even though we were no longer an “item” we still saw each other around town. One time we stopped to chat, went out for coffee, and, to my total amazement, eventually ended up in bed—the first time in over a year. Our sex life had never been easy, but this time I was so comfortable with Bill I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t worry about what he thought of me, or how I looked, or whether he liked what I was doing, or when we were going to come, or anything! None of that mattered at all. After sex we lay in bed watching the sunset. At one point I was almost shocked to realize his hand had been resting on my dick and mine on his for a long time. I don’t remember ever being so exposed yet so relaxed. We commented how funny it was that we would finally be comfortable with each other now that our relationship was over. It was sad but also very positive. I not only let go of my sexual inhibitions that day, I also gave up most of my resentments. It certainly made our breakup a lot less painful. We’re still close friends. Sean’s unexpected freedom with Bill illustrates the paradoxical nature of inhibitions. Even though it’s easy to assume that we’d all be much better off without them, sexual inhibitions often play a positive role in memorable sex by providing the reticence and restraint out of which freedom can spring. When inhibitions loosen their grip they release a burst of energy and vitality. Again and again The Group’s stories illustrate this dynamic interaction of inhibition and excitation. VALIDATION GIVEN AND RECEIVEDWhenever I discuss the rewards of peak eroticism with my clients, sooner or later it usually comes down to this: satisfying sex leaves the participants feeling affirmed, highly desirable, and worth-while—deeply validated. Focus your attention on the warm glow of fulfillment following a peak turn-on and you’ll probably notice a good feeling about yourself and an unmistakable appreciation of your partner. If you and your partner also care for each other, the affirmation will mean even more.

• From Between Us

  In Japan you will not be acceptable unless you keep up with others. In the US there is a lot of diversity [in choices, behaviors]. It is all right as long as you are happy with it. When I returned to the United States [after having been in Japan for a while] I felt relieved. I thought that now I could assert myself without worrying about conforming to others. But on the other hand, it was difficult. Here you have to make decisions yourself . . . you should be alert and support yourself, or you drop out. . . . Being taken care of in the Japanese way isn’t so bad as I used to think. After all, you enjoy more a feeling of security. Although individuals from immigrant groups may come to spend more time dancing the waltz, many of them still remember how to dance the tango; they are familiar with the emotions of two (or more) cultures. I still remember how stunned I was when, fresh upon my arrival back in Europe, the newly elected chair of my department accepted his position by saying that he would accept this time-consuming job, even though his wife was surely not going to be happy with the news. He assured the department that he would work hard on its behalf, and would try his best. He was no slacker, but in his acceptance speech had no trace of the honor of having been elected, and no reference to pride or happiness. He did not express his happiness that this wonderful department gave him their trust, and made no mention of the great department that he was going to make greater. His acceptance speech was humble, not exhilarated. I was surprised because I had expected the North American waltz. Yet, I also instantly remembered that I was back in the country of tango. My own ways of doing emotions had changed. At the same time, my more than thirty years of experiences in the Netherlands kept an indelible influence. I was able to shift gears right away.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  In one sense, there no doubt is. The really difficult thing is distinguishing t he human universals f r o m the historical const e llations and n ot eliding the second into the first so that our particular way seems somehow inescapable for h u mans as such, as we ar e alway s tempted to do. I can't pretend to have a general formula for making this distinction. If I did, I would have solved the greatest intellectual problem of h u man culture . I even suspect that no satisfactory general formula can be fo u nd to chara c terize the ubiquitous u nderlying nature of a self-interpreting animal. But the distinction can nevertheless be hinted at through a few illuminating e xamples. Whe n m oderns read of, s ay, shamanistic cultures where they are alleged to believe that the human person has three souls and that one of them c an travel outside and even r emain there for a time, 3 they find it hard to kn o w what to make of this information. D oes it mean that these people don't share our sense of the unity of the person or th e link/iden tity of a person with h i s or her body, that they don't count persons in the same way as we do? Bu t w e don't have to suppose anything so bizarre. We can probably be confid ent t h at on one level human beings of all times and places have shared a very sim il a r sense of 'me' and 'mine'. In those days when a paleolithic hunting group w a s closing in on a mammoth, when the plan went aw ry an d the be as t w a s lunging towards hunter A, something similar to the thought 'Now I' m f o r it ' crossed A's mind. And when at the last moment, the terrifying animal lur c he d to the left and crushed B instead, a sense of relief mingled with grief f o r p o o r B was w hat A experienced.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  2.6. The expression 'impartial spectator' is Adam Smith's (The Theory of Moral Sentiments, London, 1759), but the ideal of impartial benevolence is general throughout the Deist and naturalist Enlightenment. We saw above (Chapter 14) that Locke had some similar notion that rising from passion to reason frees us from egoism and destructiven e ss. And in our da y too, we se e exam p les of the same kind of moral reflection. Thus Dere k Parfit, after e stablishing (to his satisfaction) his reductive theory of personal identity, which relativizes the issue of our continued existence as the same person, sa y s: "Is the truth depressing? Some may find it so. But I find it liberating, and consoling. When I believed the non-reductive view I see m ed imprisoned in myself. My life seemed like a glass tunnel, through which I was moving faster every year, and at the end of which there was darkness . Whe n I changed my view, the walls of the glass tunnel disappeared. I now live in the open air ... Other people are closer. I am less concerned about the rest of my own life, and more concerned about the lives of others"; R easons and Persons (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1984), p. 2.81. 2.7. Bentham, Principles, chap. 2., para. 4. 2. 8. Holbach, Systeme, II, chap. 1 2.. 2.9 . Diderot, Refutation suivie de l'ouvrage d'Helvetius intitule l'Homme, in Oe uvres philosophiques, p. 573. 3 0. Holbach, Systeme, II, chap. 10, quoted in Pierre Naville, D'Holbach et la philosophie scie n tifi,que au XVllle siecle (Paris: Gallimard, 1 9 67), p . 362. Diderot makes a similar charge in his Essai sur les regnes de Claude et Neron, Assezat edition, III, p. 2.17; quoted in Naville, D'Holbach. 31. Paul Benichou, Morales du grand siecle (Paris: Gallimard, 1948). 3 2.. See Daniel Mornet, La P ensee fran,;aise au XVII le siecle (Paris: H a chette, 1912.), p. 152.. 33. As Holbach does in his Systeme, II, chap. 10. 34 . Marquis de Sade, Juliette, I.89, quoted in Naville, D'Holbach, pp. 3 6 7-3 68. 3 5. Bentham, Principles, chap. 1 , para. 1 . No tes to P a g e s 3 3 7 - 3 4 9 • 567 36. Harrison, Bentham, chap. 10. 3 7. See, for instance, Diderot's refutation of Helvetius' De l'homme , cited in note 2.9. 3 8. Bentham speaks of him as one of his sources. 39 . Bentham, Principles, chap. 2., para. 7. 40. See Peter Gay, The Enlightenment: An Interpretation, vol. 1 , The R ise of Modern Pagani s m ( New York: Knopf, 1966). 4 1. Philosophical Re g i m en, in Life, Unpublished Letters, and Philosophical Regimen of Anthony , Earl of Shaftesbury, ed. Benjamin Rand (London: S. Sonnenschein & Co., 1900). 42.. Essais, III.ix, in Les Essais de Mich el de Montaigne, ed. Pierre Villey, re-ed. V.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  Un for· tunately, there seems to be no single-noun carrying this sense in English. So, with some apologies, I have used the German word. I am relieve d to say that there is precedent for this. Peter Gay , i n his justly celebr ated stud y The Enligh tenment: An Interpretation, 2. vols. (New York: Knopf 1 9 66 , 19 6 9) , met the same p roblem by using the French word 'philosophe'. I could h av e followed him, but I feared that the ordinary sense of this word , whic h is bo th wider and narrower than the s pe c ial use, might confuse things. H ence m y r ecourse to this Germanism. 2.. J. Bentham, On the Principles of Morals and Legislation, chap . 1, para. 2,. 3. The list is from Bentham's Principles, chap 2. , para. 14, noted. . Notes to Pages 3 .2x-31.9 • 565 4. Helvetius, de /'Homme, V.iii.12. S · Bentham, Principles , chap. 1, para. 1. 6. Quoted in Arthur M. Wilson, Diderot ( Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1972), pp. 210, 237. See also Condorcet, Esquisse d'un tableau historique des progres de /'espri t humai n (Paris: Editions Souales, 1 970), p. 159: "ll fut en.fin permis de proclamer hautement ce droit si longtemps meconnu, de soumettre toutes les opinions a notre propre raison, c'est-a-dire, d'emplo y er, pou r s aisir la verite, le seul instrument qui nous ait ere donn e pour la reconnaitre. Chaque homme apprit, avec une sorte d'o r gueil, que la nature ne l'avait pas absolument destine a croire sur la parole d 'autrui" . 7. Discours de la meth o de, Ille partie, in Oeuvres de Descartes, ed., Charles Adam and Paul Tannery (Paris, Vrin, 197 3), VI 22. 8 . Cf. Paul Hazard, La Crise de la conscience eur o peenne (Paris: Fayard , 19 61 ), and P. Chaunu, La Civilisation de /'Europe des lumieres (Paris: Flammarion, 1971). Even more anachron is tic is the view that Descartes was already a secre t unbeliever, and just declared his b elief for reasons of prudence. Straussians tend to hold this view. 9. See Descartes's proof of God in the third Meditation. 10. Holbach, Le Systeme de la nature, facsimile reproduction, 2 vols. (Hildesheim: Georg Olms, 1966), I, 3. z 1. Ibid., I, 5 8-59. I 2. Ibid., I, 2. 13. Ibid., II, 408-409. 14. Hel v etius, de /'Homm e, II.vi, pp. 146-147. 1 S · Bentham , Principles, chap. 2, paras. s-6. 16. Whichcote and Smith both denounce those who project their own faults onto God, and portray him as "some Pee v ish and Se l f-will'd thing, because themselves are such"; Ernst Cassirer, The Platonic Renaissa n ce in England (Edinburgh: Nelson, 19 s 3 ), p.