Grief

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Another Country (1962)

  He looked out of the window, drying his eyes. They had come out on Lenox Avenue, though their destination was on Seventh; and nothing they passed was unfamiliar because everything they passed was wretched. It was not hard to imagine that horse carriages had once paraded proudly up this wide avenue and ladies and gentlemen, ribboned, be-flowered, brocaded, plumed, had stepped down from their carriages to enter these houses which time and folly had so blasted and darkened. The cornices had once been new, had once gleamed as brightly as now they sulked in shame, all tarnished and despised. The windows had not always been blind. The doors had not always brought to mind the distrust and secrecy of a city long besieged. At one time people had cared about these houses—that was the difference; they had been proud to walk on this Avenue; it had once been home, whereas now it was prison. Now, no one cared: this indifference was all that joined this ghetto to the mainland. Now, everything was falling down and the owners didn’t care; no one cared. The beautiful children in the street, black-blue, brown, and copper, all with a gray ash on their faces and legs from the cold wind, like the faint coating of frost on a window or a flower, didn’t seem to care, that no one saw their beauty. Their elders, great, trudging, black women, lean, shuffling men, had taught them, by precept or example, what it meant to care or not to care: whatever precepts were daily being lost, the examples remained, all up and down the street. The trudging women trudged, paused, came in and out of dark doors, talked to each other, to the men, to policemen, stared into shop windows, shouted at the children, laughed, stopped to caress them. All the faces, even those of the children, held a sweet or poisonous disenchantment which made their faces extraordinarily definite, as though they had been struck out of stone. The cab sped uptown, past men in front of barber shops, in front of barbeque joints, in front of bars; sped past side streets, long, dark, noisome, with gray houses leaning forward to cut out the sky; and in the shadow of these houses, children buzzed and boomed, as thick as flies on flypaper. Then they turned off the Avenue, west, crawled up a long, gray street. They had to crawl, for the street was choked with unhurrying people and children kept darting out from between the cars which were parked, for the length of the street, on either side. There were people on the stoops, people shouting out of windows, and young men peered indifferently into the slow-moving cab, their faces set ironically and their eyes unreadable. “Did Rufus ever have you up here?” she asked. “To visit his family, I mean.”

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  ] ” 22 When they were gathering together in Galilee, Jesus said to them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed and handed over to men [who are His enemies]; 23 and they will kill Him, and He will be raised [from death to life] on the third day.” And they were deeply grieved and distressed. The Tribute Money 24 When they arrived in Capernaum, the collectors of the e half-shekel [temple tax] went up to Peter and said, “Does not your teacher pay the half-shekel?” [Ex 30:13 ; 38:26 ] 25 Peter answered, “Yes.” And when he came home, Jesus spoke to him first, saying, “What do you think, Simon? From whom do earthly rulers collect duties or taxes, from their sons or from strangers?” 26 When Peter said, “From strangers,” Jesus said to him, “Then the sons are exempt [from taxation]. 27 “However, so that we do not offend them, go to the sea and throw in a hook, and take the first fish that comes up; and when you open its mouth, you will find a shekel. Take it and give it to them [to pay the temple tax] for you and Me.” Matthew 18 Rank in the Kingdom 1 A T THAT time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” [Mark 9:33–37 ; Luke 9:46–48 ] 2 He called a little child and set him before them, 3 and said, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, unless you repent [that is, change your inner self—your old way of thinking, live changed lives] and become like children [trusting, humble, and forgiving], you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 “Therefore, whoever a humbles himself like this child is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 “Whoever receives and welcomes one b child like this in My name receives Me; 6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble and sin [by leading him away from My teaching], it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone [as large as one turned by a donkey] hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. [Mark 9:42 ; Luke 17:2 ] Stumbling Blocks 7 “Woe (judgment is coming) to the world because of stumbling blocks and temptations to sin! It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to the person on whose account or through whom the stumbling block comes! [Luke 17:1 ] 8 “If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble and sin, cut it off and throw it away from you [that is, remove yourself from the source of temptation]; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into everlasting fire.

• From The Canterbury Tales (2009)

  ‘You will find the rest of the jewellery in my bedchamber, safely stored. I came naked out of my father’s house, and naked I will return. I will follow your orders in everything. But may I ask you this, sir? Is it your intention that I should actually leave your palace without clothes? ‘It would be a great dishonour to you, and to me, if the belly in which your children lay was paraded before the people. Let me not go as naked as a worm upon its way. Remember, sir, that, unworthy though I be, I was still once your wife. ‘So in requital for the virginity I gave you, and which can never be restored to me, I plead with you to let me have as my reward a simple smock. Just like the smock I used to wear before I met you. I would then be able to cover up the womb of the woman who was once your wife. Now I will bid farewell to you, sir, in case I have angered you.’ ‘Keep the smock you are wearing now,’ he said to her. ‘Take it back with you.’ That was all he said. He could say no more. Overwhelmed by sorrow and by pity, he went on his way. So Griselda removed her other garments, in front of the whole court, and then returned to her father’s cottage in the simple smock. She walked back with bare head and with bare feet, accompanied by many people bewailing her fate and cursing the misadventures of Fortune. But Griselda did not cry. She never shed a tear. And she never said a word. Her father, on the other hand, wept and cursed when he heard the news. He did not want to live a day longer. In fact the poor old man had always harboured doubts about the marriage. He had always suspected that the marquis would get rid of his daughter as soon as he had had enough of her. He believed that the lord would regret having wed a poor woman, and would banish her from his court. So he hastened out of doors to meet Griselda, alerted by the noise of the crowd, and covered her smock with an old coat that he had brought with him. He was weeping. Yet the coat did not fit her. It was old and coarse and out of date. She was not the same slim young girl she had been at the time of her marriage. So for a while Griselda dwelled with her father. She was still a model of loyalty and patience, never complaining, never explaining, never lamenting. She did not show, to her father or to anyone else, any grief at her treatment. She did not mention her previous life as the wife of a great lord. She said nothing. She looked content. What else would you expect? Even when she lived in great state she had always retained her deep humility.

• From Who Wrote the Bible? Searching for Its Origins and Authors (2025)

  14. The Voices of Lamentations 86 the first word of the first verse is eikha, meaning “alas” in Hebrew. Eikha begins with the letter aleph and serves as a genre marker: What follows eikha is, by definition, a lament. In Lamentations 3, the first word in Hebrew is ani—“I,” as in “I am the man.” The word still starts with an aleph. But here, instead of each verse starting with a successive letter of the alphabet, Lamentations 3 gives three verses starting with aleph, then three starting with bet, and so on. The acrostic form can be understood as conveying a sense of completeness— this is a record of Jerusalem’s destruction, from A to Z. However, the fact that there is more than one such poem and that they’ve been collected together undermines that idea. Perhaps you can view the acrostic in more psychological terms: The pain the poet is conveying is endless, so how would one ever know how to end? The acrostic is the solution. Once the writer reaches the last letter of the alphabet, they’re done. Note that Lamentations 5 is not an acrostic, but it still contains the same 22 verses as Lamentations 1, 2, and 4. By the end of the book, while the outlines of the acrostic remain, its formal rigidity seemingly can’t be sustained any longer. The pain has overf lowed even the bounds of the alphabet. From the voicing of Jerusalem herself in chapter 1 to the individual voice of chapter 3 to the collective voice of chapter 5, perhaps a gradual distancing is occurring—a move away from the experience of the trauma to ref lection on it. At the same time, the form used to constrain the poetic expression starts to waver, giving the impression that the suffering has only gotten worse somehow. Reading Berlin, Adele. Lamentations. Westminster John Knox, 2002. Mandolfo, Carleen. Daughter Zion Talks Back to the Prophets. SBL, 2007. 87 15 The Stories and Visions of Daniel T he book of Daniel is about a young man who is taken to Babylon after the destruction of the Temple and the conquest of Jerusalem at the beginning of the 6th century BCE. He and his friends have a series of adventures, including a famous one about escaping from a fiery furnace. However, this book isn’t a single unified story but a collection of originally distinct tales, along with a separate collection of apocalyptic visions—and it came much later than the time of the Babylonian exile. Several other issues are hidden from people who just read Daniel in their English Bible, including the fact that the Greek translation of the book has all sorts of stuff not found in the Hebrew. In short, this lecture will show you that Daniel is perhaps the most complicated book in the entire Hebrew Bible, even though it’s only 12 chapters long.

• From Who Wrote the Bible? Searching for Its Origins and Authors (2025)

  14. The Voices of Lamentations 84 to invasion and conquest. Like Jerusalem in Lamentations, Ur is presented as a female figure. After the fall of Jerusalem, when Israelite authors wanted to express their grief, they had a long-established literary genre to fall back on. Second, Lamentations is full of allusions to other biblical texts. For instance, the book takes up 1 Isaiah’s language of Yahweh’s deliverance of Israel from Assyria and transforms it into Yahweh’s own destruction of Jerusalem. In a prophecy about God’s imminent defeat of the Assyrians, Isaiah 30:30 says, “Yahweh will ... display the sweep of his arm in raging wrath, in a devouring blaze of fire.” Lamentations reads, “He has burned in Jacob like a f laming fire; it consumes all around” (Lam. 2:3). Isaiah promises that, despite the Assyrian threat, “O people in Zion, dwellers of Jerusalem, you shall not have cause to weep” (Isa. 30:19). Meanwhile, Lamentations responds, “Bitterly she [meaning Jerusalem] weeps in the night, her cheek wet with tears” (Lam. 1:2). This sort of direct response suggests an author—or authors—working deeply with the texts and traditions that were part of Israel’s literary heritage. Scholars see a similar phenomenon in the book’s use of Deuteronomy. For example, Deuteronomy 28:45 says, “All her pursuers overtake her.” Lamentations 1:3 echoes, “All these curses shall ... pursue you and overtake you until you are wiped out.” Everything feels intricately constructed: Lamentations takes an ancient literary form—the city lament—and populates it with literary cross-references to illustrate the traumatic undermining of everything that preceded the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. Poetic Voices The poems in Lamentations are notable for their varied use of voicing. Chapter 3 is in the first person, specifically a male person: “I am the man.” This poem uniquely makes almost no direct reference to the destruction of Jerusalem. The speaker bemoans his own hardships for most of the poem, only referring to the exile at the end: “You have made us filth and refuse in the midst of the peoples” (Lam. 3:45). However, for the most part, Lamentations 3 could be lifted directly from Psalms as a psalm of individual lament.

• From Confessions of the Flesh (The History of Sexuality, Vol. 4) (2021)

  On the general meaning and the exact meaning of “paenitentiam agere” cf. J. Grotz, Die Entwicklung des Busstufenwesens in der vornizänischen Kirche, Fribourg, 1955, pp. 75–77.27.Pacian distinguishes between catechumens, penitents, and Christians in good standing.28.Cf., for example, Saint Cyprian, letters XV and XVI.29.On the role of the bishop in these incitements to penance, cf. Pacian [letter III, 16]: the bishop “ad paenitentiam cogit, objurgat, crimen ostendit, vulnera aperit, supplicia aeterna commemorate” [“…contraint à la pénitence, réprimande, montre le crime, met à nu les blessures, rappelle les supplices éternels,” trans. C. Épitalon and M. Lestienne] [“…constrains him to penance, rebukes him, shows him his crime, lays bare his wounds, tells him of eternal punishments”].30.On all these points, cf. R. Gryson, “Introduction” to De paenitentia de Saint Ambroise (Paris, 1971, p. 37 et seq.) and Le Prêtre selon saint Ambroise (Louvain, 1968).31.Cf. Saint Leo, letter 167.32.Pacian, letter III, 18: “Baptismus enim sacramentum est dominicae passionis: paenitentium venia meritum confitentis. Illud omnes adipisci possunt, quia gratiae Dei donum est; id est, gratuita donatio; labor vero iste paucorum est qui post casum resurgunt, qui post vulnera convalescunt, qui lacrymosis vocibus adjuvantur, qui carnis interitu reviviscunt.” [“Le baptême, en effet, est le sacrement de la passion du Seigneur: le pardon des pénitents, le salaire de l’aveu. Celui-là, tous peuvent l’obtenir, car c’est un don gratuit de Dieu, c’est-à-dire un pardon gratuit; mais celui-ci est le fruit de l’effort du petit nombre de ceux qui se relèvent après la chute, qui reprennent force après les blessures, qui se font aider par des cris pleins de larmes, qui revivent par la destruction de la chair,” trans. C. Épitalon and M. Lestienne.] [“Baptism is the Sacrament of the Lord’s Passion: the pardon of penitents is the earning of him that confesseth. The former all can obtain, because it is the gift of the grace of God, that is, a free gift; but penitence is the toil of the few, who after falling arise, who after wounds recover, who are helped by tearful prayers, who recover life through the destruction of the flesh.”]33.On this point cf. K. Rahner, [“La doctrine d’Origène sur la pénitence”], in Recherches de science religieuse (vol. 38, 1950), p. 86.34.[Gregory of Nazianzus, Discourses XXXIX, 17 (P.G., vol. 36, col. 356a).]35.“Cor scrutari et mentem perspicere non possumus,” Saint Cyprian, letter LVII, 3.36.Ibid., letter LIX, 15 and 16.37.Ibid.38.Ibid., letter LV, 18; cf. also LVII, 3.39.“[Libellus] ubi singula placitorum capita conscripta sunt,” ibid., letter LV, 6.40.Ibid., letter LV, 13.41.In letter XXVII, Cyprian refers to a missive of Lucianus concerning “those whose conduct since their transgression was examined.” It’s also to this examination that letter LXVI, 5, refers: “communicatio nostra examinatione concessa.”42.Ibid., letter XXX, 6, addressed by the priests of Rome to Cyprian.43.Ibid., letter LV, 23.44.Ibid., letter XXX, 5, addressed to Cyprian.45.“Is actus, qui magis graeco vocabulo exprimitur et frequentatur, exomologesis est” [“Cet acte, que nous nommons le plus ordinairement par un mot grec, c’est l’exomologèse,” trans. E.-A.

• From Another Country (1962)

  The number ended and Ida stepped off the stand, wet and triumphant, the applause crashing about her ears like foam. She came to the table, looking at Vivaldo with a smile and a small, questioning frown, and, standing, took a sip of her drink. They called her back. The drummer reached down and lifted her, bodily, onto the stand, and the applause continued. Eric became aware of a shift in Vivaldo’s attention. He looked at Vivaldo’s face, which was stormier than ever, and followed his eyes. Vivaldo was looking at a short square man with curly hair and a boyish face who was standing at the end of the bar, looking up at Ida. He grinned and waved and Ida nodded and Vivaldo looked up at the stand again: with narrowed eyes and pursed lips, with an air of grim speculation. “Your girl friend’s got something,” Eric said. Vivaldo glanced over at him. “It runs in the family,” he said. His tone was not friendly; it was as though he suspected Eric of taunting him; and so referred, obliquely, to Rufus, with the intention of humbling Eric. Yet, in a moment he relented. “She’s going to be terrific,” he said, “and, Lord, I’m going to have to buy me a baseball bat to keep all the hungry cats away.” He grinned and looked again at the short man at the bar. Ida stepped up to the microphone. “This song is for my brother,” she said. She hesitated and looked over at Vivaldo. “He died just a little before Thanksgiving, last year.” There was a murmur in the room. Somebody said, “What did I tell you?”—triumphantly; there was a brief spatter of applause, presumably for the dead Rufus; and the drummer bowed his head and did an oddly irreverent riff on the rim of his drum: klook-a-klook, klook-klook, klook-klook! Ida sang: Precious Lord, take my hand, Lead me on, let me stand. Her eyes were closed and the dark head on the long dark neck was thrown back. Something appeared in her face which had not been there before, a kind of passionate, triumphant rage and agony. Now, her fine, sensual, free-moving body was utterly still, as though being held in readiness for a communion more total than flesh could bear; and a strange chill came into the room, along with a strange resentment. Ida did not know how great a performer she would have to become before she could dare expose her audience, as she now did, to her private fears and pain. After all, her brother had meant nothing to them, or had never meant to them what he had meant to her. They did not wish to witness her mourning, especially as they dimly suspected that this mourning contained an accusation of themselves—an accusation which their uneasiness justified. They endured her song, therefore, but they held themselves outside it; and yet, at the same time, the very arrogance and innocence of Ida’s offering compelled their admiration.

• From Girls & Sex (2016)

  I don’t want to idealize relationships. While some girls had found love and joy within them, others had experienced manipulation and devastation. Becca had undergone two depressive episodes after splitting up with high school boyfriends. Mackenzie cried until she vomited when she discovered her boyfriend’s recent betrayal, and had hardly eaten in days. Her schoolwork was suffering, too. More than half of physical and sexual abuse of teen girls by a romantic partner happens within a relationship, and those experiences prime girls to be victimized again in young adulthood. One girl I spoke with described how her tenth-grade boyfriend slapped her and flung her into a fence when she threatened to break up with him. Another girl, a sophomore in college, hadn’t realized she could be—and was—raped by her recent boyfriend. Encouraging girls to explore sexuality within mutually caring, emotionally connected relationships is one thing; insisting on it is another. That can turn sex into a commodity that girls barter for the “safety” of commitment, and implicitly condone the shaming of those who don’t comply. There was no consistent attitude toward either hookups or relationships among the girls I met. They all, however, had to negotiate the culture of casual sex, whether they participated in it or not. They all had to find comfortable ground in a culture that was simultaneously fun and antagonistic, carefree yet riddled with risk. The question to me, then, became less about whether hookups were “good” or “bad” for girls than about how to ensure reciprocity, respect, and agency regardless of the context of a sexual encounter. That meant understanding the contours of girls’ new freedom as well as the constraints, both physical and psychological, that remained. The Happy Hookup Holly, a Spanish and psychology major, revised her definition of “slut” for the first time when she was sixteen. She grew up in a mostly white, affluent, liberal East Coast suburb and attended a progressive, all-girls high school. Her mom told her to wait until marriage to have sex, but in Health class she learned about birth control and practiced putting a condom on a rubber model of a penis. (Again, though, the location of the clitoris, masturbation, and female orgasm went unmentioned.) In tenth grade, some of her friends began performing oral sex on their boyfriends; within a year or so, they were having intercourse. “My opinion had very much been, ‘It’s only those skanky public school girls who are doing that sort of thing,’” Holly said. “But if my friends were having sex, it had to be okay, right? So I had to reevaluate. I thought, ‘That’s fine; they’ve been dating for a year. They’ve built trusting relationships.’”

• From Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir (2017)

  That was what Rollo experienced, not for moments, but for hours and days at a time. Yet somehow he continued to work until the very end. Late in his life I attended one of his public talks. His delivery was as strong as ever, his voice sonorous and soothing, but, toward the end, he repeated the same story he had told just a few minutes before. I cringed when I heard that, I cringed for him, and often I remind my friends to be honest with me and tell me when it’s time for me to stop. One evening Georgia phoned to say that Rollo might be near death and asked us to come immediately. The three of us spent that night taking turns sitting next to Rollo, who had lost consciousness and was in advanced pulmonary edema, breathing laboriously, sometimes with deep, long breaths followed by shorter, shallower ones. Ultimately, on my watch, as I was sitting by him and touching his shoulder, he took one last convulsive breath and died. Georgia asked me to help her wash his body to prepare him for the mortician, who, the following morning, would take him to the crematorium. That night, shaken by Rollo’s death and his impending cremation, I had a powerful and unforgettable dream: I’m walking with my parents and sister in a mall and then we decide to go upstairs. I find myself on an elevator but I’m alone—my family has disappeared. It’s a long ascending elevator ride. When I get off I’m on a tropical beach. But I can’t find my family though I keep looking and looking for them. Though it is a lovely setting—tropical beaches are paradise for me—I begin to feel pervasive dread. Next I put on a nightshirt that bears a cute, smiling face of Smokey the Bear. That face on the shirt then becomes brighter, then brilliant. Soon the face becomes the entire focus of the dream, as though all the energy of the dream is transferred onto that cute grinning little Smokey Bear face. The dream woke me, not so much from terror, but from the brilliance of the blazing emblem on the nightshirt. It was as though floodlights suddenly turned on in my bedroom. What lay behind the blazing image of Smokey? I’m certain it was connected to Rollo’s cremation. His death confronted me with my own, which the dream portrays through my isolation from my family and that endless elevator ride upstairs. I’m shocked by the gullibility of my unconscious. How embarrassing it is that some part of me has bought into the Hollywood version of immortality as a celestial paradise, complete with tropical beach. I had gone to sleep that night shaken by the horror of Rollo’s death and his pending cremation, and my dream attempted to de-terrify that experience, to soften it, to make it bearable. Death is disguised benignly as an elevator trip upstairs to a tropical beach.

• From Another Country (1962)

  “I don’t know yet. I’ll let you know when I do. Richard’s gone off, he may not be back for a couple of days. He wants to think, he says.” She sighed. “I don’t know.” She said, carefully, looking at the painting, “I imagine, for the sake of the children, he’ll decide that we should weather this, and stick together. I don’t know if I want that or not, I don’t know if I can bear it. But he won’t sue me for divorce, he hasn’t got the courage to name you as corespondent.” Each to the other’s astonishment, laughed. She looked at him again. “I can’t come to you,” she said. There was a silence. “No,” he said, “you can’t come to me.” “So it’s really—though I’ll see you again—good-bye.” “Yes,” he said. Then, “It had to come.” “I know. I wish it hadn’t come as it has come, but”—she smiled—“you did something very valuable for me, Eric, just the same. I hope you’ll believe me. I hope you’ll never forget it—what I’ve said. I’ll never forget you.” “No,” he said, and suddenly touched her arm. He felt that he was falling, falling out of the world. Cass was releasing him into chaos. He held on to her for the last time. She looked into his face, and she said, “Don’t be frightened, Eric. It will help me not to be frightened, if you’re not. Do that for me.” She touched his face, his lips. “Be a man. It can be borne, everything can be borne.” “Yes.” But he stared at her still. “Oh, Cass. If only I could do more.” “You can’t,” she said, “do more than you’ve done. You’ve been my lover and now you’re my friend.” She took his hand in hers and stared down at it. “That was you you gave me for a little while. It was really you.” They turned away from the ringing canvas, into the crowds again, and walked slowly down the stairs. Cass put up her hood; he had never taken off his cap. “When will I see you?” he asked. “Will you call me, or what?” “I’ll call you,” she said, “tomorrow, or the day after.” They walked to the doors and stopped. It was still raining. They stood watching the rain. No one entered, no one left. Then a cab rolled up to the curb and stopped. Two women, wearing plastic hoods, fumbled with their umbrellas and handbags and change purses, preparing to step out of the cab. Without a word, Eric and Cass rushed out into the rain, to the curb. The women ran heavily into the museum. Eric opened the cab door. “Good-bye, Eric.” She leaned forward and kissed him. He held her. Her face was wet but he did not know whether it was rainwater or tears. She pulled away and got into the cab. “I’ll be expecting your call,” he said. “Yes. I’ll call you. Be good.” “God bless you, Cass. So long.”

• From Another Country (1962)

  She had the advantage of him, for he did not know what to say. He realized this with shame and fear. He wanted to say, I love you, but the words would not come. He wondered what her lips would taste like now, what her body would be like for him now: he watched her quiet face. She seemed utterly passive; yet, she was waiting, in a despair which steadily chilled and hardened, for some word, some touch, of his. And he could not find himself, could not summon or concentrate enough of himself to make any sign at all. He stared into his cup, noting that black coffee was not black, but deep brown. Not many things in the world were really black, not even the night, not even the mines. And the light was not white, either, even the palest light held within itself some hint of its origins, in fire. He thought to himself that he had at last got what he wanted, the truth out of Ida, or the true Ida; and he did not know how he was going to live with it. He said, “Thank you for telling me—everything you’ve told me. I know it wasn’t easy.” She said nothing. She made a faint, steamy sound as she sipped her coffee, and this sound was unaccountably, inexpressibly annoying. “And forgive me, now, if I don’t seem to know just what to say, I’m maybe a little—stunned.” He looked over at her, and a wilderness of anger, pity, love, and contempt and lust all raged together in him. She, too, was a whore; how bitterly he had been betrayed! “I’m not trying to deny anything you’ve said, but just the same, there are a lot of things I didn’t—don’t—understand, not really. Bear with me, please give me a little time—” “Vivaldo,” she said, wearily, “just one thing. I don’t want you to be understanding. I don’t want you to be kind, okay?” She looked directly at him, and an unnameable heat and tension flashed violently alive between them, as close to hatred as it was to love. She softened and reached out, and touched his hand. “Promise me that.” “I promise you that,” he said. And then, furiously, “You seem to forget that I love you.” They stared at each other. Suddenly, he reached out and pulled her to him, trembling, with tears starting up behind his eyes, burning and blinding, and covered her face with kisses, which seemed to freeze as they fell. She clung to him; with a sigh she buried her face in his chest. There was nothing erotic in it; they were like two weary children. And it was she who was comforting him. Her long fingers stroked his back, and he began, slowly, with a horrible, strangling sound, to weep, for she was stroking his innocence out of him.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  [Lev 19:18 ; Matt 22:39 ] 20 The young man said to Him, “I have kept all these things [from my youth]; what do I still lack?” [Luke 18:21 ] 21 Jesus answered him, “If you wish to be perfect [that is, have the spiritual maturity that accompanies godly character with no moral or ethical deficiencies], go and sell what you have and give [the money] to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me [becoming My disciple, believing and trusting in Me and walking the same path of life that I walk].” 22 But when the young man heard this, he left grieving and distressed, for he owned much property and had many possessions [which he treasured more than his relationship with God]. 23 Jesus said to His disciples, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, it is difficult for a rich man [who clings to possessions and status as security] to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man [who places his faith in wealth and status] to enter the kingdom of God.” 25 When the disciples heard this, they were completely c astonished and bewildered, saying, “Then who can be saved [from the wrath of God]?” 26 But Jesus looked at them and said, “With people [as far as it depends on them] it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” [Gen 18:14 ; Job 42:2 ] The Disciples’ Reward 27 Then Peter answered Him, saying, “Look, we have given up everything and followed You [becoming Your disciples and accepting You as Teacher and Lord]; what then will there be for us?” 28 Jesus said to them, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, in the renewal [that is, the Messianic restoration and regeneration of all things] when the Son of Man sits on His glorious throne, you [who have followed Me, becoming My disciples] will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother d or children or farms for My name’s sake will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life. 30 “But many who are first [in this world] will be last [in the world to come]; and the last, first. Matthew 20 Laborers in the Vineyard 1 “F or the kingdom of heaven is like the owner of an estate who went out in the morning at dawn to hire workmen for his vineyard. 2 “When he had agreed with the laborers for a a denarius for the day, he sent them into his vineyard.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  CHAPTER 11 STRATEGY SIX: FIND WAYS TO REACH THOSE WHO REFUSE TO COMMUNICATE Cutting Off Contact A client, Anne, once came to talk to me because she had alienated a friend and didn’t know what to do about it. It had started over something small, but had escalated into a bigger fight, and Anne had hurt her friend’s feelings. Her friend then completely disconnected from her. She stopped responding to calls and texts (this was in the era before social media, but I suspect she would have unfriended her on Facebook as well), and when they bumped into each other on her college campus, the friend just walked past her without saying anything or making eye contact. Anne was devastated. She missed her friend and felt bad about what she had done to alienate her. What made things more complicated for her, though, was that she didn’t actually think she was fully responsible. She told me that they had both gone too far with the argument, that they both had said hurtful things to one another, and that they both had good reasons to be angry. Anne didn’t feel it was entirely her responsibility to try and save their friendship, but she also knew her friend wasn’t going to put forward any effort. This last piece made her feel even worse. The situation between Anne and her friend is a relationship problem, obviously, but it’s also an anger problem. At the core, we have two people who are angry at one another and one of them is expressing that anger by cutting off contact. Anne interpreted that shutting down as a lack of interest in continuing

• From The Decameron (1353)

  The lady besought her for God's sake be silent and help her dress herself, and learning from her that none knew where she had been save those who had carried her the clothes and the husbandman there present, was somewhat comforted and prayed them for God's sake never to say aught of the matter to any one. Then, after much parley, the husbandman, taking the lady in his arms, for that she could not walk, brought her safely without the tower; but the unlucky maid, who had remained behind, descending less circumspectly, made a slip of the foot and falling from the ladder to the ground, broke her thigh, whereupon she fell a-roaring for the pain, that it seemed a lion. The husbandman, setting the lady down on a plot of grass, went to see what ailed the maid and finding her with her thigh broken, carried her also to the grass-plat and laid her beside her mistress, who, seeing this befallen in addition to her other troubles and that she had broken her thigh by whom she looked to have been succoured more than by any else, was beyond measure woebegone and fell a-weeping afresh and so piteously that not only could the husbandman not avail to comfort her, but himself fell a-weeping like wise. But presently, the sun being now low, he repaired, at the instance of the disconsolate lady, lest the night should overtake them there, to his own house, and there called his wife and two brothers of his, who returned to the tower with a plank and setting the maid thereon, carried her home, whilst he himself, having comforted the lady with a little cold water and kind words, took her up in his arms and brought her to her own chamber.

• From The Decameron (1353)

  Gisippus, having beheld him several days full of melancholy thought and seeing him presently sick, was sore concerned and with every art and all solicitude studied to comfort him, never leaving him and questioning him often and instantly of the cause of his melancholy and his sickness. Titus, after having once and again given him idle tales, which Gisippus knew to be such, by way of answer, finding himself e'en constrained thereunto, with tears and sighs replied to him on this wise, 'Gisippus, had it pleased the Gods, death were far more a-gree to me than to live longer, considering that fortune hath brought me to a pass whereas it behoved me make proof of my virtue and that I have, to my exceeding shame, found this latter overcome; but certes I look thereof to have ere long the reward that befitteth me, to wit, death, and this will be more pleasing to me than to live in remembrance of my baseness, which latter, for that I cannot nor should hide aught from thee, I will, not without sore blushing, discover to thee.' Then, beginning from the beginning, he discovered to him the cause of his melancholy and the conflict of his thoughts and ultimately gave him to know which had gotten the victory and confessed himself perishing for love of Sophronia, declaring that, knowing how much this misbeseemed him, he had for penance thereof resolved himself to die, whereof he trusted speedily to make an end.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  18 And when they arrived he said to them: “Y ou know well how I [lived when I] was with you, from the first day that I set foot in Asia [until now], 19 serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and trials which came on me because of the plots of the Jews [against me]; 20 [you know] how I did not shrink back in fear from telling you anything that was for your benefit, or from teaching you in public meetings, and from house to house, 21 solemnly [and wholeheartedly] testifying to both Jews and Greeks, urging them to turn in repentance to God and [to have] faith in our Lord Jesus Christ [for salvation]. 22 “And now, compelled by the Spirit and obligated by my convictions, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there, 23 except that the Holy Spirit solemnly [and emphatically] affirms to me in city after city that imprisonment and suffering await me. 24 “But I do not consider my life as something of value or dear to me, so that I may [with joy] finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify faithfully of the good news of God’s [precious, undeserved] grace [which makes us free of the guilt of sin and grants us eternal life]. 25 “And now, listen carefully: I know that none of you, among whom I went about preaching the kingdom, e will see me again. 26 “For that reason I testify to you on this [our parting] day that I am innocent of the blood of all people. 27 “For I did not shrink from declaring to you the whole purpose and plan of God. 28 “Take care and be on guard for yourselves and for the whole flock over which the Holy Spirit has appointed you as overseers, to shepherd (tend, feed, guide) the church of God which He bought with His own blood. 29 “I know that after I am gone, [false teachers like] ferocious wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; 30 even from among your own selves men will arise, speaking perverse and distorted things, to draw away the disciples after themselves [as their followers]. 31 “Therefore be continually alert, remembering that for three years, night or day, I did not stop admonishing and advising each one [of you] with tears. 32 “And now I commend you to God [placing you in His protective, loving care] and [I commend you] to the word of His grace [the counsel and promises of His unmerited favor]. His grace is able to build you up and to give you the [rightful] inheritance among all those who are sanctified [that is, among those who are set apart for God’s purpose—all believers]. 33 “I had no desire for anyone’s silver or gold or [expensive] clothes.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  The outcome for Anne was not such a pleasant one. Anne reached out to her friend via email, asking for an opportunity to talk about what had happened and even issuing an apology for her part of it. What she got back from her friend was an exceedingly hostile response, making it clear – maybe even a little too clear – that she did not wish to be friends anymore. Anne was hurt and therapy quickly shifted from “How can I repair this friendship?” to “How can I get over this loss?” It does open up a really interesting question, though, about how to deal with an angry email. Or, more broadly, how do we deal with various forms of “e- anger” (social media, texting, dating apps, and so on)? Much of the anger we experience isn’t face to face, but screen to screen. What are some effective strategies for navigating the hostility of the internet? The next chapter is all about that. * I will admit to being pleasantly surprised by the amount of research that’s been done on “ghosting.” There’s about 20 research articles in the past decade, which is a good amount considering it’s a relatively new topic. I was not disappointed with the titles either which ranged from the punny (When your boo becomes a ghost) to the excessively jargony (Disappearing in the age of hypervisibility: Definition, context, and perceived psychological consequences of social media ghosting). * The internet is of two minds on this topic. On the one hand, “ghosting” appears very common and some see it as a reasonable way to end relationships, particularly if those relationships were unhealthy. At the same time, essays on how to deal with ghosting are actively hostile to the “ghosts,” routinely describing them as immature or even too unskilled to communicate directly. The ghosts themselves were not available to respond.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  15 This [superficial] wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly (secular), natural (unspiritual), even demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder [unrest, rebellion] and every evil thing and morally degrading practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure [morally and spiritually undefiled], then peace-loving [courteous, considerate], gentle, reasonable [and willing to listen], full of compassion and good fruits. It is unwavering, without [self-righteous] hypocrisy [and self-serving guile]. 18 And the seed whose fruit is righteousness (spiritual maturity) is sown in peace by those who make peace [by actively encouraging goodwill between individuals]. James 4 Things to Avoid 1 W HAT LEADS to [the unending] a quarrels and conflicts among you? Do they not come from your [hedonistic] desires that wage war in your [bodily] members [fighting for control over you]? 2 You are jealous and covet [what others have] and b your lust goes unfulfilled; so you c murder. You are envious and cannot obtain [the object of your envy]; so you fight and battle. You do not have because you do not ask [it of God]. [1 John 3:15 ] 3 You ask [God for something] and do not receive it, because you ask d with wrong motives [out of selfishness or with an unrighteous agenda], so that [when you get what you want] you may spend it on your [hedonistic] desires. 4 You adulteresses [disloyal sinners—flirting with the world and breaking your vow to God]! Do you not know that being the world’s friend [that is, loving the things of the world] is being God’s enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture says to no purpose e that the [human] spirit which He has made to dwell in us lusts with envy? [Gen 6:5 ] 6 But He gives us more and more grace [through the power of the Holy Spirit to defy sin and live an obedient life that reflects both our faith and our gratitude for our salvation]. Therefore, it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD and HAUGHTY , BUT [continually] GIVES [the gift of] GRACE TO THE HUMBLE [who turn away from self-righteousness].” [Prov 3:34 ] 7 So submit to [the authority of] God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him] and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God [with a contrite heart] and He will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; and purify your [unfaithful] hearts, you double-minded [people]. 9 Be miserable and grieve and weep [over your sin]. Let your [foolish] laughter be turned to mourning and your [reckless] joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves [with an attitude of repentance and insignificance] in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you [He will lift you up, He will give you purpose]. 11 Believers, do not speak against or slander one another.

• From How to Deal with Angry People (2023)

  You should make a point of listening to them and giving some thought to that feedback. Give Them Time Finally, be sure to give them space and time to think about and reflect on what you’re asking of them. In any contentious conversation, it’s very unlikely that you’ll find a resolution during the meeting. There may be hurt feelings, additional disagreement, and maybe even some anger during the conversation. Do your best to be patient with those feelings and disagreements and understand that even if the person agrees to make an effort to change their approach, that change may take some time. It Won’t Always Work In a lot of ways, these guidelines assume a certain level of emotional maturity of the person you are interacting with. They assume the person wants to have productive conversations, that a person has similar goals to you, and that they have some ability to manage their feelings in emotionally charged situations. Those people do indeed exist. Even people who are prone to anger can be capable of having these sorts of goal-driven, productive conversations. However, there are of course angry people in our lives who are not going to be able to do this effectively, no matter how much thought or planning we put into it. Sometimes we have to acknowledge that we are only one side of this conversation and know when to let things go and to disengage. We come on to this in the next chapter. * I’m not suggesting that one person is at fault and the other is innocent. Far from it. There was plenty of opportunity for either friend to de-escalate things. But that statement – the reference to what she “always” does – was the point that the argument stopped being about whether or not they should leave and started being about something else. * Because you hadn’t yet read the chapter on dealing with anger online. CHAPTER 14 STRATEGY NINE: KNOW WHEN TO DISENGAGE PRIORITIZING PHYSICAL SAFETY Remember that learning how to deal with angry people is not about tolerating physical and emotional abuse. Always remove yourself to a safe space if you believe you are in danger. Hard to Think About, Write About, or Act On I want to preface the chapter with the following: This was by far the most difficult chapter to write. The decision to disengage from a toxic relationship is a really big thing to consider and it feels overwhelming to write about it or to offer suggestions for when or how to do it. On top of that, it’s deeply nuanced, so everything I wrote felt incomplete. I kept saying to myself, “But what about those situations where…?” or “That might work if the person isn’t….”

• From Confessions of the Flesh (The History of Sexuality, Vol. 4) (2021)

  It must have been in the autumn of 1982 that the manuscript on the Christian conception of the flesh—along with the corresponding typescript—was delivered to Gallimard.27 Pierre Nora recalls that on this occasion Foucault lets him know that this doesn’t mean the publication of the Aveux de la chair will be imminent, however, because he’s decided, encouraged by Paul Veyne, that this book that he’s just had transcribed will be preceded by a volume devoted to the Greco-Roman experience of the aphrodisia. The extent of the investigations that we’ve just noted will be such that Foucault will add to that book the two volumes that we are familiar with: The Use of Pleasure and The Care of the Self. The work on and drafting of these two volumes—ongoing even as he is launching yet another new field of research at the Collège de France: a study of parrêsia28—will delay him in his rereading of the Confessions of the Flesh and will possibly dissuade him from undertaking a rewrite. From March to May 1984, as he is finishing the editorial work around volumes 2 and 3, exhausted and gravely ill, he takes up the correction of the typescript of the Confessions of the Flesh. Hospitalized on June 3 following a physical breakdown, he dies at the Salpêtrière on June 25, 1984. To establish this edition, we have therefore drawn on the manuscript written in Foucault’s hand, together with the typescript.29 This typescript, which was established in turn by Éditions Gallimard on the basis of the manuscript, then conveyed to Michel Foucault for correction,30 is rather faulty—it could not be entrusted, for reasons of unavailability, to the secretary who usually typed his texts and was very familiar with his handwriting.