Gratitude

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

Page 48 of 82 · 20 per page

• From Bold Move

  He jumps into my arms, gives me a big hug, and then he is off to “work” in my office. Diego, who is five, has just learned what a computer mouse is during his summer camp, and so, every morning, he wants to use it so that he can become a more efficient writer. Yes, you read that right: Diego has informed me that he is writing his own book too. Today’s chapter was called “My Mom Loves Me.” Because I have been waking up at 3 a.m. to edit this book, by 7 a.m. I am (very) tired, more than a little cranky, and only semi-coherent. Turns out humans actually need sleep! #science! But as soon as my small human wraps his arms around me and I see the excitement on his face that marks the start of his day, all of my discomfort melts away. These morning interactions with Diego are the best distillation of gratitude I could ever share with you. It is almost like Diego knows that I need a little dose of his joy to keep me Approaching my discomfort about writing this book. I am so grateful for his love and support, and as I thank many of you here, I want you to know that if I could be with you right now, I would be giving you a “Diego hug” to ensure you too have the support you need during your challenging times. The home front : Nothing happens in my life that is not accounted for by the fact that right next to me, holding me, assuring me, wiping my tears is my husband, David . David, you are my safe haven. I know this book was a lot of work for you too, and I will never be able to thank you enough. Dieguito : Your hugs, love, and very dramatic meltdowns are the best (and have provided more than a little inspiration for this book). You inspire me to be a better person daily. Mamãe : Although our narratives of life are different, our love has never changed. Thank you for standing by me always and for giving me the tools I needed to be who I am. Juliana : Your perseverance in the midst of “hell” inspires me! You are one powerful, badass woman! Donna Maria Helena , the woman I came to call my grandmother in my life: I wish you could read the Portuguese version of this book. Our years together transformed my journey, and I will continue to do that for those less fortunate in honor of your legacy. And for the rest of the family village behind this book, your love carried me through. Thank you Familia Elias and Familia Zepeda .

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  I wish to assure the reader who hesitates in the vesti- Jule, that the purpose of this book is wholly positive and constructive. It is just as orthodox as the Gospel would allow. I have dedicated it to an eminent representative of the older theology in order to express my deep grati- tude for what I have received from it, and to clasp hands through him with all whose thought has been formed by Jesus Christ. My fraternal thanks are due to my friends, Professor James Bishop Thomas, Ph.D., of the University of the South, and Professor F. W. C. Meyer of Rochester Theo- logical Seminary, who have given a critical reading to my manuscript and have made valuable suggestions. CONTENTS CHAPTER page I The Challenge of the Social Gospel to The- ology I II The Difficulties of Theological Readjust- ment 10 III Neither Alien nor Novel 23 IV The Consciousness of Sin - 31 * V The Fall of Man 38 VI The Nature of Sin 45 VII The Transmission of Sin 57 VIII The Super- Personal Forces of Evil .... 69 IX The Kingdom of Evil 77 X The Social Gospel and Personal Salvation . 95 XI The Salvation of the Super-Personal Forces iio XII The Church as the Social Factor of Salva- tion 1 18 XIII The Kingdom of God 131 XIV The Initiator of the Kingdom of God . . .146 XV The Social Gospel and the Conception of God 167 XVI The Holy Spirit, Revelation, Inspiration, and Prophecy 188 XVII Baptism and the Lord's Supper 197 XVIII Eschatology 208 XIX The Social Gospel and the Atonement ... 240 A THEOLOGY FOR THE SOCIAL GOSPEL CHAPTER I THE CHALLENGE OF THE SOCIAL GOSPEL TO THEOLOGY We have a social gospel. We need a systematic theol- ogy large enough to match it and vital enough to back it. This is the main proposition of this book. The first three chapters are to show that a readjustment and ex- pansion of theology, so that it will furnish an adequate intellectual basis for the social gospel, is necessary, feas- ible, desirable, and legitimate. The remainder of the book offers concrete suggestions how some of the most important sections of doctrinal theology may be expanded and readjusted to make room for the religious convic- tions summed up in “ the social gospel.’’ Some of my readers, who know the age, the tenacity, and the monumental character of theolog>" well, will smile at' the audacity of this proposal. Others, who know theology still better, will treat this venture very seriously. If theology stops growing or is unable to ad- just itself to its modern environment and to meet its pres- ent tasks, it will die. Many now regard it as dead. The social gospel needs a theology to make it effective; but theology needs the social gospel to vitalize it. The work I 2 A THEOLOGY FOR THE SOCIAL GOSFEL

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  Thanks to Thee, O Lord. We behold the heaven and earth, whether the corporeal part, superior and inferior, or the spiritual and corporeal creature; and in the adorning of these parts, whereof the universal pile of the world, or rather the universal creation, doth consist, we see light made, and divided from the darkness. We see the firmament of heaven, whether that primary body of the world, between the spiritual upper waters and the inferior corporeal waters, or (since this also is called heaven) this space of air through which wander the fowls of heaven, betwixt those waters which are in vapours borne above them, and in clear nights distill down in dew; and those heavier waters which flow along the earth. We behold a face of waters gathered together in the fields of the sea; and the dry land both void, and formed so as to be visible and harmonized, yea and the matter of herbs and trees. We behold the lights shining from above, the sun to suffice for the day, the moon and the stars to cheer the night; and that by all these, times should be marked and signified. We behold on all sides a moist element, replenished with fishes, beasts, and birds; because the grossness of the air, which bears up the flights of birds, thickeneth itself by the exhalation of the waters. We behold the face of the earth decked out with earthly creatures, and man, created after Thy image and likeness, even through that Thy very image and likeness (that is the power of reason and understanding), set over all irrational creatures. And as in his soul there is one power which has dominion by directing, another made subject, that it might obey; so was there for the man, corporeally also, made a woman, who in the mind of her reasonable understanding should have a parity of nature, but in the sex of her body, should be in like manner subject to the sex of her husband, as the appetite of doing is fain to conceive the skill of right-doing from the reason of the mind. These things we behold, and they are severally good, and altogether very good.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  SECTION 1 PRAYER CHANGES EVERYTHING . . . BUT MAINLY YOU When I was a teenager, my parents existed mainly to provide things for me. I’m sure that when my kids hit their teen years, I’m going to be on the receiving end of that mentality. As a teenager, you don’t think about your parents too often unless you need something from them, or when they are getting in the way of you doing what you want. It’s the law of adolescence. Luckily, that changes. You grow up. You get a job. You develop empathy and a smidge of humility. You have kids of your own and suddenly wish you would have given your parents more grace. You discover that who they are to you matters far more than what they give you. I’m a grown man with a family, house, and job of my own. I don’t “need” my parents to give me anything. But my relationship with them is genuine, deep, fulfilling, and vital. The way I value them has changed dramatically since I was a teenager. Mark Twain is often quoted as saying, “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” If I’m honest, sometimes I’ve viewed God the way I viewed my parents. At first, He was there to provide for my needs, but that was about it. But I’ve changed. I’ve grown up, so to speak. And now I’m astonished at how much God means to me, how much He does, and how important my relationship with Him has become. I’ve learned that, like my parents, who God is matters far more than what He gives me. So if I pray just to get something from God, I’m missing out on most of what prayer is for. In the following chapters, we’re going to explore the benefits of prayer. We’ll ask questions like, “Why do I need God?” and “What is prayer good for?” You’ll notice that the last chapter is the only one that talks about answered prayer. Answered prayer is awesome, of course. But it’s actually far down the list of importance. The rest of the chapters focus on what prayer does in, through, and for us. In the grand scheme of your life, those are the things that matter most. Prayer changes things. Mostly you.

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  A new edition of the Work of Preaching calls for a word con- cerning the teaching of Homiletics. Many teachers cling to the lecture method. It is the easiest and most interesting way for the teacher and gives dignity to his work, but it is the least adapted to the average student, beginning the theory of preaching. The lec- ture has inspirational value, and may be best for advanced students in preaching and in interpreting the masters of the pulpit. But if the principles of preaching are to become working axioms for young men, a more personal and laborious method must be followed. Twenty-five years in trying to teach this hardest and noblest of arts convinces the writer that the best results are secured when a book IS in the hands of the students. The teacher must be willing to be in some degree a drill master. He may not ask for a recita- tion upon a given chapter, but its material will furnish topics for discussion. It is well to bring to bear the thoughts of other minds. The many-sidedness of preaching will add glory to it. No better ma- terial for this supplemental study can be found than the Yale Lec- tures on Preaching, though other books yearly appear from the English and American press. To this work should be added a fre- quent study of the best present-day preachers, both English and American, every topic considered in the light of new persons and experiences. It is the laboratory method that gives the truest self- knowdedge and self-development. For no study can be more lifeless and useless than Homiletics when considered a fixed and final science. The teacher must have the ear of the learner, listening for the voice of the new day, re- joicing in the message and ways of all true prophets, if he would make his work living and life-giving. There is no privilege so great as helping younger men into the full measure of their ministry. That the Work of Preaching has in any way contributed to this purpose is cause for gratitude. It has gone beyond the limits of the author’s denomination, and found favour in Schools of the Episcopal, Baptist, Methodist, United Pres- byterian, Universalist and Disciples Churches. It has been used in Mission Schools, in Turkey, China, Korea and Japan. That the revised edition may increase the worth and influence of the book is the earnest desire of the author. THE MACMILLAN COMPANY Publishers 64-66 Fifth Avenue Kew York

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Next thing I know, my friend texted me links to two auto agency websites and a ballpark amount to spend. A couple days later, I drove off a lot with a brand-new car. I will never forget the rush of emotion, gratitude, and awe that flooded through me in that moment. I’ve always known God answers prayer, and I’ve seen many answered prayers over the years. But that particular answered prayer stands out in my memory. It was so clearly and dramatically God, and it was far beyond what I could have asked for or expected. We pray because God responds to our prayers with power. I know we’ve spent the last few chapters looking at a lot of other things we receive from prayer, including peace, purpose, premise, perspective, presence, process, and perfection. Those things are, in many ways, more important than receiving what we are praying for specifically. They go deeper and last longer and mean more in the long run. That’s why prayer always “works”—because prayer always changes us, even when it doesn’t change the circumstance we are praying about. But—and this is an important but—God also gives us tangible answers to prayer. We shouldn’t emphasize the internal results of prayer at the expense of the external ones. Both are part of prayer, and when we pray, we can expect God to respond. No, He doesn’t owe us anything. No, He doesn’t operate on our timetable. No, He doesn’t give us what we want every time. No, He doesn’t always do things the way we expect. No, we can’t manipulate Him into doing what we want. But God does answer prayer. He hears the desires of our hearts and responds to our petitions.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  He doesn’t do it begrudgingly either. Unlike humans, God never gets impatient when we need His help. Instead, He delights in meeting our needs. POWER THROUGH PRAYER Getting answers to our prayers is probably the number one reason we pray. There’s nothing wrong with that. Prayer is a natural response to need, and it is an expression of our confidence in God. Prayer keeps us humble and connected, and those are always good things. David wrote in Psalm 34:15, “The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry.” God wants you to express your needs, and He wants you to believe in His goodness and power to help. Jesus taught on answered prayer many times. Matthew records this particular invitation to pray: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 7:7–12 Jesus wasn’t encouraging prayer in some meek, half-hearted way or as a last resort. He both taught and modeled a dynamic, interactive prayer life. He prayed all the time, and God moved strongly in response. Just read through the Gospels and note the crazy miracles that followed Jesus everywhere He went. John, one of Jesus’ closest disciples, also knew the power that is found through prayer. He writes this: This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. 1 John 5:14–15 Prayer is more than getting specific answers—but it’s not less than that. We should celebrate and appreciate all the benefits we’ve looked at in the last chapters, but we should also pray for specific things. Bold things. Real things.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  It was all mine, to keep to myself or share if I chose, to decorate, and to reflect me. I had deprived myself for so long that I surrounded myself with things for a while and made up for lost time. This overcompensation meant my budget was not in great shape for some time, but it was such an important part of my healing that I have forgiven myself for it. I was married while in the Emissaries, and it was my husband who actually initiated our exiting. I am grateful that he had such a good sense of timing because at a different time I might not have left. Once we left, however, our marriage fell apart. It was already troubled, but because it had been based in the Emissaries, it deteriorated rapidly upon our exit. As glad as I was to be out of the group, losing it and my marriage at the same time was devastating. Happily, my ex-husband and I are now friends. We share this history and went through some rather trying times together. He will always be a part of my life. Shame and guilt have been big hurdles. Shame at having been had; guilt for hurting my family; and shame and guilt for believing in the cult and trying so earnestly to make its beliefs work. It has helped me to realize that I did feel like a fool, and that some people probably thought I was, too. Because I had already made an amazing ass of myself, I felt that anything else I might screw up could hardly be as bad. That realization put everything in a positive light. I could take risks and not worry about looking foolish. This has allowed me to speak pub licly on many occasions, and I find that for the most part people are willing to learn and understand rather than judge or "blame the victim." In other areas of my life, I have also felt free to ask what other people might label as stupid questions. I have felt free to challenge authority and risk being shot down. Through trial and error, I have developed a remarkably strong sense of myself and a better grasp of honesty, manipulation, and deception than most people have. I have the courage to risk being wrong. I found a private place out in the mountains near where I live. There is a big, gnarly old aspen tree there, and I have gone to that tree for quiet, solitude, comfort, and reflection. It is now my tree, I'm quite certain. I found this place soon after leavingthe cult. It was comfortingto think that the tree had seen seasons, a world war or two, and many changing events. So much had come and gone, yet the tree was still there. This gave me a new perspective.

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  I would also say, O Lord my God, what the following Scripture minds me of; yea, I will say, and not fear. For I will say the truth, Thyself inspiring me with what Thou willedst me to deliver out of those words. But by no other inspiration than Thine, do I believe myself to speak truth, seeing Thou art the Truth, and every man a liar. He therefore that speaketh a lie, speaketh of his own; that therefore I may speak truth, I will speak of Thine. Behold, Thou hast given unto us for food every herb bearing seed which is upon all the earth; and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed. And not to us alone, but also to all the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the earth, and to all creeping things; but unto the fishes and to the great whales, hast Thou not given them. Now we said that by these fruits of the earth were signified, and figured in an allegory, the works of mercy which are provided for the necessities of this life out of the fruitful earth. Such an earth was the devout Onesiphorus, unto whose house Thou gavest mercy, because he often refreshed Thy Paul, and was not ashamed of his chain. Thus did also the brethren, and such fruit did they bear, who out of Macedonia supplied what was lacking to him. But how grieved he for some trees, which did not afford him the fruit due unto him, where he saith, At my first answer no man stood by me, but all men forsook me. I pray God that it may not be laid to their charge. For these fruits are due to such as minister the spiritual doctrine unto us out of their understanding of the divine mysteries; and they are due to them, as men; yea and due to them also, as the living soul, which giveth itself as an example, in all continency; and due unto them also, as flying creatures, for their blessings which are multiplied upon the earth, because their sound went out into all lands.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Acknowledgments To my wife, Julia. The queen of our world. The boss. Where would I be without you? Answer: lost; without salvation, food, clothing, and laughter. You are truly the greatest. To our children. I adore each of you. Thank you for making our home a place of constant fun, chaos, and love. To Zoe church. Thank you to our amazing community. The greatest people on the planet. I love you all so very much! To my parents. Thank you for your love and faithfulness. You guys are the gold standard. To our board. Your covering and leadership continue to shine bright each year. Thank you for your friendship and constant support. To Justin Jaquith, author of authors. I love the way you think and write. Love talking things out and processing truth with you. Let’s just keep doing this thing together. Perhaps God is calling us to write in Cabo next time (just thinking out loud here). To Whitney Gossett. We started from the bottom, now we’re here (wherever here is LOL). . . . Thanks for believing in us, taking a risk on us, and always thinking about new, creative things for us to do! You’re the greatest! To Roman and Erika Bozhko. No one would ever see or hear about this book without you guys. Thanks for being our friends . . . and the creative geniuses that you are. We love you both. ZOE PRAYER CARD Pray About Everything Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. PHILIPPIANS 4:6 Remember This When You Pray » ANYONE CAN PRAY “If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” 2 CHRONICLES 7:14 “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” HEBREWS 4:16 » PRAYER IS SIMPLY TALKING TO GOD “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” 1 JOHN 5:14 » JESUS TAUGHT US TO PRAY “This, then, is how you should pray: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.’” MATTHEW 6:9–13 » PRAY ALL THE TIME, ANYWHERE, ABOUT ANYTHING “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” PHILIPPIANS 4:6–7 In Your Daily Prayers, Use These Four Points To Help Create Genuine, Authentic, And Effective Prayers: 1. PRAY SPECIFICALLY 1JOHN5:15 2. PRAY PASSIONATELY JAMES5:16 3. PRAY CONFIDENTLY PSALM24:3–4 4. PRAY GOD’S WORD ROMANS10:17

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  I was having zero success, but my husband remarked one day, “You know, you never fret about your career anymore.” Given that Susan had in many ways gotten the ball rolling, I decided to write her a good old-fashioned fan letter. I thanked her, told her how much Quiet meant to me, and asked what advice she would give an aspiring writer. A few days later, she called me. And I missed her call. She left a lovely, encouraging message. I levitated as I kicked myself—a unique mix of emotions. Susan’s generosity and kindheartedness solidified her as my writing role model. More throwing and many walls later, the spaghetti stuck. A podcast network editor took a chance on me and Savvy Psychologist was born. Once hands were shaken and dotted lines were signed, I sat surrounded by sound-absorbing pillows in my bedroom with my shiny new microphone and wondered what I had gotten into. I comforted myself with the reassurance that no one except my mother would likely listen. I mined the research for helpful nuggets, wrote on a weekly deadline, and found my voice, all while pretending each week’s episode floated into space and dissipated like the rubble of silently colliding meteors. Turns out that’s not actually what happens. Instead, some people listened. They found it helpful and kept listening. More people joined them. Some wrote to me and suggested pitch-perfect episode topics. A smart, engaged, savvy community grew and solidified. And after a few years, my book dream poked its head up again like an unfurling spring fern. It was time. I wrote How to Be Yourself with the goal of normalizing and validating all of us who struggle with social anxiety, as well as offering the best of the science for overcoming it. I was inspired by Quiet, which ultimately was about permission and hope. On a personal level, Quiet gave me permission to chase a dream and hope that it would someday materialize. But on a broader, societal level, Quiet gave millions of introverts permission to be who we already were, and hope that a world built around the Extrovert Ideal could change and welcome the one-third to one-half of us who are quiet. I hope How to Be Yourself also offers permission and hope for the 40 percent of us who are shy—permission to be ourselves. And, dear reader, if being yourself doesn’t feel comfortable yet, I’d like to think it offers hope that growth and change are possible. I was grateful to chat with Susan about Quiet, How to Be Yourself, how social anxiety and introversion intersect, how they diverge, and where understanding of both concepts is going. Here is our conversation. Ellen: How has our cultural perception of introversion changed since you wrote and published Quiet in 2012? Susan: Oh, in so many ways. Introversion is now a common word in people’s vocabularies and in their understanding of themselves and others.

• From The Fermata (1994)

  It was very late, but I think she wanted to talk for a while longer, and yet (this is my theory) she hurried to the sex because the extreme intimacy, to her way of thinking, of appearing before me in her glasses was only possible after the less extreme intimacy of fucking me. Several times as we talked I was on the point of saying, since her eyes did look quite unhappily pink, “You want to take out your contacts? I’ll take out mine.” But I didn’t, because I thought it might have a condescending sort of “I know everything about you, baby, your bloodshot eyes give you away” quality. Probably I should have. A few days after that, though, I resumed wearing my glasses to work. My error rate dropped right back down. I was instantly happier. In particular, I recognized the crucial importance of hinges to my pleasure in life. When I open my glasses in the morning before taking a shower and going to work, I am like an excited tourist who has just risen from his hotel bed on the first day of a vacation: I’ve just flung open a set of double French doors leading out onto a sunlit balcony with a view of the entire whatever—shipping corridor, bay, valley, parking lot. (How can people not like views over motel parking lots in the early morning? The new subtler car colors, the blue-greens and warmer grays, and the sense that all those drivers are leveled in the democracy of sleep and that the glass and hoods out there are cold and even dewy, make for one of the more inspiring visions that life can offer before nine o’clock.) Or maybe French-door-hinges are not entirely it. Maybe I think that the hinges of my glasses are a woman’s hip-sockets: her long graceful legs open and straddle my head all day. I asked Rhody once whether she liked the tickling of my glasses-frames on the inside of her thighs. She said, “Usually your glasses are off by then, aren’t they?” I admitted that was true. She said she didn’t like it when I wore my glasses because she wanted my sense of her open vadge to be more Sisley than Richard Estes. “But I do sometimes like feeling your ears high on my thighs,” she conceded. “And if I clamp your ears hard with my thighs I can make more noise without feeling I’m getting out of hand.” Rhody was a good, good person, and I probably should not have tried to allude even obliquely to my Fold experiences to her, since she found what little I told her of Fermation repellent; her knowledge of it contributed to our breakup. Well! I think I have established that there is an emotional history to my wearing of glasses.

• From Wild (2012)

  Throughout the evening I repeatedly filled the little paper cup I’d taken from the convenience store, gulping smooth sips of wine as if it were water until it tasted like nothing but water to me. It didn’t feel like I’d hiked seventeen miles in midnineties heat that day with a pack on my back and duct tape wound around my feet. It seemed as if I’d floated there instead. Like the picnic table was the best place I’d ever been or would ever be. I didn’t realize that I was drunk until we all decided to turn in and I stood up and it struck me that the art of standing had changed. In an instant I was down on my hands and knees, retching miserably onto the dirt in the middle of our camp. In spite of all the ridiculousness of my life in the preceding years, I’d never been sick from alcohol before. When I was done, Stacy placed my water bottle beside me, murmuring that I needed to drink. The real me inside the blur I’d become realized she was right, that I wasn’t only drunk but also profoundly dehydrated. I hadn’t had a sip of water since I was on the hot trail that afternoon. I forced myself to sit up and drink. When I took a sip, I instantly retched again. In the morning, I rose before the others and did what I could to sweep the vomit away with the branch of a fir tree. I went to the shower room, took off my dirty clothes, and stood under the hot spray of water in the concrete stall feeling like someone had beaten me the night before. I didn’t have time to be hungover. I planned to be back on the trail by midday. I dressed and returned to camp and sat at the table drinking as much water as I could tolerate, reading all nine of my letters one by one while the others slept. Paul was philosophical and loving about our divorce. Joe was romantic and rash, saying nothing about whether he was in rehab. Karen was brief and workaday, providing me with an update about her life. The letters from friends were a rush of love and gossip, news and funny tales. By the time I finished reading them, the others were emerging from their tents, limping into the day the way I did each morning until my joints warmed up. I was grateful that every last one of them looked at least half as hungover as me. We all smiled at one another, miserable and amused. Helen, Sam, and Sarah left to take showers, Rex and Stacy to pay one more visit to the store.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  You probably want to know what I said to this woman. She was not a good mother. She did not save us from my father, and she taught us things that we have spent our entire lives trying to unlearn. But sometimes all I can remember is the way she rode with me to have my third abortion, the way she sat in the little room where they vacuum your insides out and call it a procedure, the little life disappearing into a glass container - and more specifically, I remember her face as we sat in the parking lot of Denny’s because I didn’t want to go home, or anywhere else, yet. She didn’t say anything. She simply parked the car in the back near the big metal refuse bin. She petted my hand. She cried a little. She smelled like day old vodka and Estée Lauder. Her real estate signs were in the trunk. Nothing happened, she didn’t ask me anything, she didn’t tell me anything, and after that I was able to move. Or I think of all the mornings she drove me to swim practice at 5:00 a.m. Or the sound of her voice singing I see the moon. Or the day she brought the shoe box out and showed me the story she’d written, and the redbird drawing my father had done - the lives they could have lived. Or her face when she told my father she’d signed the scholarship letter, and that I was going to college, that I was leaving. Or I think of Israel and Becky Boone. So when I tell you what I said to her maybe it will sound deluded or trite, since this woman is where my trouble started, since she let us down so terribly, and birthed an unforgiving darkness into us forever. I said thank you mamma. I love you so. And then she died. It was 2001, the year my son was born. Her urn was a faux gold box about the size of a coffee pot. My father wouldn’t part with it - brainbird that he was by then - and so I didn’t try to take it until after he died. Then I put it in our garage on a shelf for two years. I didn’t look at it, I didn’t talk to it, I barely thought about it. It just sat up there with nails and cans of paint and summer storage items and garden tools. But one day I was in the garage hunting for corner braces to build a frame for a painting and I saw it on the shelf looking all …well. So I called my sister and asked, uh, do you want to do something with mother’s ashes? My sister who had been estranged from my mother from the time she was 16. Oddly, she said, I guess. So I drove my mother in a box up to Seattle. She sat in the passenger’s seat.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  The act of putting pain into words can be healing itself, but it also allows us to unpack what we feel, to deconstruct it and look at it more objectively. Maybe that’s why David wrote so many psalms. He was working through some pretty major trauma, and we get to peek into his process. As I mentioned in chapter 1, prayer doesn’t replace other ways of dealing with pain and trauma. Utilize the wisdom and science humanity has discovered. Truth is universal and ultimately comes from God. So I’m not saying you shouldn’t turn to human sources for help. After all, God usually answers our prayers for help by sending humans. But you do have a relationship with God—a direct line to heaven. Through prayer, you can receive help directly from Him. Nobody in your life knows you as well as God does. And none of them are as capable of carrying your emotional pain as God is. If you turn to humans for what only God can provide, you’ll likely end up burning them out and disillusioning yourself. If you’re going to therapy, keep going. But try praying before and afterward. If you’re finding help in some other way, don’t stop. Keep reading, keep learning, keep talking, keep taking care of yourself, keep creating boundaries, keep building better friendships, keep taking your medication, keep journaling, keep living in the moment . . . you get the idea. Just add prayer to what you’re already doing. God wants to come alongside you in the process. He wants to help you reset, reboot, and restart, to work through the fragmented files and the demons, the dreams and the traumas, the ups and down and ins and outs of this complex human experience we call life. He’s with you always. Turn to Him first, most, and last. EIGHT Growing painsPrayer and Perfection My wife is a bit of a perfectionist. In a good way, of course. She’s an Enneagram type 1 all the way: hard worker, driven to fix what is not working, internally compelled to get things done—and done right. I love it. (A big shout out to all the Enneagram lovers out there. In my opinion it’s basically the Christian horoscope, but hey, who am I to judge?) I, on the other hand, am not a perfectionist. However, I am obsessive-compulsive in certain areas. It’s sort of a selective perfectionism. There are particular things that must be in order and in line: the lawn, the flower bed, the furniture, my notes for a message, my clothes . . . I’m particularly obsessed with wrinkles. Specifically, with eliminating them. I have been passionate about ironing since at least 1999. When I first started in ministry, we had to wear a full suit to church every Sunday. Hence, my love for ironing. Even now, with the more relaxed culture, I still get my entire outfit ready the night before: pants and shirt chosen, ironed, and laid out in pristine condition.

• From Wild (2012)

  He left me at Todd’s Outdoor Supply Store, where Mr. Todd himself dismantled my stove, cleaned it, installed a new filter, sold me the correct gas, and then led me through a stove-lighting trial run just to be sure. I bought more duct tape and 2nd Skin for my wounded flesh and went to a restaurant and ordered a chocolate malt and a cheeseburger with fries, feeling as I had at dinner the evening before: shattered by each delicious bite. Afterwards, I walked through town as cars whizzed by, the faces of the drivers and passengers turning to look at me with cold curiosity. I passed fast-food joints and car dealerships, unsure of whether I should stick out my thumb for a ride or spend a night in Ridgecrest and head back to the PCT the next day. As I stood near an intersection, trying to figure out which direction to go, a scruffy-looking man rode up beside me on a bicycle. He held a wrinkled paper bag. “You heading out of town?” he asked. “Maybe,” I said. His bike was too small for him—made for a boy instead of a man—with garish flames painted along the sides. “Which direction you headed?” he asked. His body odor was so strong I almost coughed, though I guessed I smelled almost as bad as he did. In spite of the bath I’d taken the night before at Frank and Annette’s after dinner, I was still dressed in my dirty clothes. “I might stay in a motel for the night,” I told him. “Don’t do that!” he bellowed. “I did that and they put me in jail.” I nodded, realizing that he thought that I was like him. A drifter. An outlaw. Not a so-called college girl, or even a former one. I didn’t even try to explain about the PCT. “You can have this,” he said, holding the paper bag out to me. “It’s bread and bologna. You can make sandwiches.” “No, thanks,” I said, both repulsed and touched by his offer. “Where you from?” he asked, reluctant to ride away. “Minnesota.” “Hey!” he cried, a smile spreading across his grubby face. “You’re my sister. I’m from Illinois. Illinois and Minnesota are like neighbors.” “Well, almost neighbors—there’s Wisconsin in between,” I said, and instantly regretted it, not wanting to hurt his feelings. “But that’s still neighbors,” he said, and held his open palm down low so I would give him five. I gave him five. “Good luck,” I said to him as he pedaled away. I walked to a grocery store and wandered up and down the aisles before touching anything, dazzled by the mountains of food. I bought a few things to replace the food I’d eaten when I hadn’t been able to make my dehydrated dinners and walked along a busy thruway until I found what looked like the cheapest motel in town.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Several randomized controlled trials in positive psychology have confirmed that learning to cherish your own good fortune—for instance, by counting up at least three blessings each day—can boost your gratitude, which in turn strengthens your social bonds and creates abiding happiness, even physical health. Think of celebratory love as gratitude’s more generous cousin. It leverages the known benefits of gratitude across a far wider range of gifts— encompassing not just those bestowed on you but also those bestowed on everyone else. The math is simple: If you cherish the good fortunes of others as dearly as you cherish your own, you vastly multiply your opportunities for love and happiness. Just as “Happy Hour” forever begins anew because it’s always five o’clock somewhere, you can be nearly continually uplifted through shared joy, love, and connection because good fortune is always happening somewhere. You need only open your eyes and heart to it. People everywhere need others to lean on. Social support is a lifeline. My guess, though, is that when you visualize offering social support to someone, you imagine another person as weak or suffering in some manner. In your mind’s eye, you might visualize your friend in the hospital, your neighbor’s child having just fallen off his bicycle, or your coworker near tears under the strain of crushing demands. Yet the latest research documents that offering social support when things go right is a more efficient way to build relationships than offering it when things go wrong. In fact, it’s precisely those moments in which you celebrate another’s good fortune that let him or her know you truly care and instill faith that you’ll lend a hand during tougher times ahead. It can take practice, however, to recognize and respond to others’ good fortune in this healthy, life-giving and relationship-strengthening way. You may need, after all, to break long-standing habits of resentment, self-diminishment, or indifference. Try the next activity to open your heart to celebratory love. Try This Meditation Practice: Celebratory Love Find a location where you can sit undisturbed. Place your feet flat on the floor and adjust your position and posture until your body feels both alert and open. Lengthen your spine as if it were an antenna. Lift your heart as if you were offering it up as a gift. Take a few slow and deep breaths, bringing your awareness to each as it rises and falls. Then bring your awareness to your intention for this practice session. Perhaps it’s to learn to be an even better friend, or to reduce pernicious envy and instead learn to celebrate others’ successes. Know that good events—both seemingly minor and major—are abundant in other people’s lives. Sometimes, all it takes is to awaken from the trance of self-absorption to see this abundance pouring forth.

• From Emotional Inheritance (2022)

  Thank you for inviting me to join your journeys, for trusting me to write your stories, and for reading those chapters with so much insight and generosity. I’m blessed to be part of the incredible community of the New York University Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis. I’m especially grateful to my dear colleagues, students, and friends who have read and commented on early versions of these chapters: Dr. Jessica Benjamin, Dr. Carina Grossmark, Dr. Jonathon Slavin, Karen Tocatly, Dr. Velleda Ceccoli, Nina Smilow, Dr. Yael Kapeliuk, Colette Linnihan, Dr. Noga Ariel-Galor, Dr. Lauren Levine, Kristin Long, Avital Woods, Dr. Merav Roth, Dr. Robert Grossmark, Dr. Yifat Eitan-Persico, Ivri Lider, Orly Vilnai, Anat Binur, Limor Laniado-Tiroche, Jamie Ryerson, and Amy Gross. To Dr. Roberto Colangeli for sharing with me his work on epigenetics and psychoanalysis. To Dr. Judith Alpert for her help on the chapter on sexual abuse. To Dr. Beatrice Beebe for her inspiration and edits of the chapter on babies. To Ezra Miller for their helpful guidance on gender binary. A special thank you to Dr. Melanie Suchet for her generous ongoing love and support. To Dr. Steve Kuchuck for his invaluable contribution to this book and for years of friendship and creative collaboration. I couldn’t do it without your talent, wit, and loyalty. About ten years ago, aiming to investigate psychoanalytic “ghosts,” I joined a group of psychoanalysts in New York City who were analyzing the many ways in which ghosts appear in our practices. I would like to thank Adriene Harris and the group: Margery Kalb, Susan Klebanoff, Heather Ferguson, Michael Feldman, and Arthur Fox . Many thanks to Emma Sweeney, who held my hand and believed in this book before it was born. Thank you for your insightful advice and deep care. Thanks also to Margaret Sutherland Brown at Folio. A special thank-you to my wonderful agent Gail Ross. I’m deeply grateful to Sally Arteseros for her remarkably keen eye and endless dedication. I’m so lucky to have you be part of this creation. I feel incredibly fortunate to have Tracy Behar as my editor and publisher. Thank you for your brilliant work and for believing in this book and in me. Thank you for your close reading, deep attention, thoughtful guidance, and unique ability to respond not only to the words on the page, but also to the words that need to be there. To the extraordinary group at Little, Brown Spark: Ian Straus, Betsy Uhrig, Laura Mamelok, Lucy Kim, Jessica Chun, Juliana Horbachevsky, and Lauren Ortiz. To SallyAnne McCartin of McCartin Daniels PR. To Bob Miller, who is my rock and my sanctuary. Thank you for joining me on a constant search for emotional truths, for always being there to catch me, for reading every word I write with curiosity and breathtaking intelligence.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  And by that, I mean Julia and the kids had one car, and I had my Uber app. That was fine at first, but after a few months, I really started turning to God. My prayers usually came from the back seat of those Ubers, partly because some of them drove like they were in a hurry not to get to my destination but to meet Jesus face-to-face right then, and partly because I simply prefer to drive myself. It’s more efficient, more comfortable, and more economical. We couldn’t afford another vehicle, so I would tell God, “I need you to buy me a car.” Those were my exact words. I wasn’t demanding. I was informing. Obviously, I wasn’t telling God something He didn’t already know, but the Bible tells us to ask, seek, and knock. It reminds us that God knows our desires and responds to our petitions. The more I rode in Ubers, the greater my desire grew, and the more frequent those petitions became. This went on for months, but I didn’t give up. I knew we were supposed to have another vehicle, and somehow God was going to make a way. One day, out of the blue, a friend texted me. He was a pastor in Rancho Cucamonga. He told me his father had just called him and asked him to give me a message: He had been praying that morning, and the Holy Spirit told him to buy me a car! He said, “Choose any car you’d like, and we will buy it for you.” Next thing I know, my friend texted me links to two auto agency websites and a ballpark amount to spend. A couple days later, I drove off a lot with a brand-new car. I will never forget the rush of emotion, gratitude, and awe that flooded through me in that moment. I’ve always known God answers prayer, and I’ve seen many answered prayers over the years. But that particular answered prayer stands out in my memory. It was so clearly and dramatically God, and it was far beyond what I could have asked for or expected. We pray because God responds to our prayers with power . I know we’ve spent the last few chapters looking at a lot of other things we receive from prayer, including peace, purpose, premise, perspective, presence, process, and perfection. Those things are, in many ways, more important than receiving what we are praying for specifically. They go deeper and last longer and mean more in the long run. That’s why prayer always “works”—because prayer always changes us, even when it doesn’t change the circumstance we are praying about. But—and this is an important but —God also gives us tangible answers to prayer. We shouldn’t emphasize the internal results of prayer at the expense of the external ones. Both are part of prayer, and when we pray, we can expect God to respond. No, He doesn’t owe us anything.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Next, add up the total minutes, separately for each question, across all episodes. That is, for question 1, find the total number of minutes, across all your waking hours, during which you were surrounded by others. Likewise, for question 2, find the total number of minutes, across all your waking hours, that you meaningfully focused on others, and so on. Odds are the gap between these two numbers is large. This gap represents your untapped potential, in a typical day, for creating conditions conducive to positivity resonance. Next, continue on to find the total number of minutes, across all your waking hours yesterday, that you sensed either the gestalt sense of positivity resonance (question 3) or one of three facets of it (questions 4 and 5, followed by questions 6 and 7). The gap between each of these numbers and your total number of minutes spent in the presence of others (question 1) represents your untapped potential for love, a number likely to be quite large. By contrast, the more modest gap between each of these numbers (for questions 3 through 7) and your total number of minutes spent with respectful and meaningful focus on others (question 2) represents how easily you were able to convert these opportunities into micro-moments of love. With this rundown before you, consider now the opportunity costs for self-absorptions like surfing the Internet. That kind of behavior is normal and inevitable, and at times even rejuvenating. But think about what other kinds of experiences you are crowding out. What do you miss out on? More love? Jeremy’s Story In my home office, I have three framed letters—two from my own sons and a third from a couple of children whom I may never meet. The two from my boys are cherished Mother’s Day gifts. Each lists what it takes to be their mom, ranging from “make the best pancakes” and “cheer me on” to “enjoy talking to me” and “teach me about what she teaches.” The third is written in blue marker on green construction paper and decorated with glitter glue and cartoon drawings. It reads: “Dear Dr. Fredrickson, Thank you for teaching Mr. Wills to be + [positive], [heart] Tisha and Kelly.” Mr. Wills is Jeremy Wills, one of my former students. A few years back, he’d enrolled in an upper-level undergraduate seminar of mine, on positive psychology, before which he’d never given a second thought to positive emotions. A few months ago, as I was thick into crafting part I of this book, I ran into Jeremy as I was walking across campus at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.