Desire

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

Page 324 of 344 · 20 per page

• From Looking for Alaska (2005)

  I opened it—the bluish gel smelled like flowers and rubbing alcohol, like a fancy hair salon. (Under the sink, I also found a tub of Vaseline so big that it could have only had one possible use, which I didn’t care to dwell on.) I came back into the room and excitedly said, “They love their hair.” “Precisely!” she shouted. “Look on the top bunk.” Perilously positioned on the thin wooden headboard of the bed, a bottle of STA-WET gel. “Kevin doesn’t just wake up with that spiky bedhead look, Pudge. He works for it. He loves that hair. They leave their hair products here, Pudge, because they have duplicates at home. All those boys do. And you know why?” “Because they’re compensating for their tiny little penises?” I asked. “Ha ha. No. That’s why they’re macho assholes. They love their hair because they aren’t smart enough to love something more interesting. So we hit them where it hurts: the scalp.” “Ohh-kaay,” I said, unsure of how, exactly, to prank someone’s scalp. She stood up and walked to the window and bent over to shimmy out. “Don’t look at my ass,” she said, and so I looked at her ass, spreading out wide from her thin waist. She effortlessly somersaulted out the half-opened window. I took the feetfirst approach, and once I got my feet on the ground, I limboed my upper body out the window. “Well,” she said. “That looked awkward. Let’s go to the Smoking Hole.” She shuffled her feet to kick up dry orange dirt on the road to the bridge, seeming not to walk so much as cross-country ski. As we followed the almost-trail down from the bridge to the Hole, she turned around and looked back at me, stopping. “I wonder how one would go about acquiring industrial-strength blue dye,” she said, and then held a tree branch back for me. forty-nine days before TWO DAYS LATER —Monday, the first real day of vacation—I spent the morning working on my religion final and went to Alaska’s room in the afternoon. She was reading in bed. “Auden,” she announced. “What were his last words?” “Don’t know. Never heard of him.” “Never heard of him? You poor, illiterate boy. Here, read this line.” I walked over and looked down at her index finger. “You shall love your crooked neighbour / With your crooked heart,” I read aloud. “Yeah. That’s pretty good,” I said. “Pretty good? Sure, and bufriedos are pretty good. Sex is pretty fun. The sun is pretty hot. Jesus, it says so much about love and brokenness—it’s perfect.” “Mm-hmm.” I nodded unenthusiastically. “You’re hopeless. Wanna go porn hunting?” “Huh?” “We can’t love our neighbors till we know how crooked their hearts are. Don’t you like porn?” she asked, smiling. “Um,” I answered. The truth was that I hadn’t seen much porn, but the idea of looking at porn with Alaska had a certain appeal.

• From Hot Daddies: Gay Erotic Fiction (2011)

  Stan’s thrusts increased in power and depth until with one final shove he climaxed with a growl, buried in Damian to the hilt. “God, this ass is good,” Stan murmured and Damian closed his eyes in happiness at hearing he’d pleased his master. “Your turn to take his rump,” Stan told Raymond as he pulled out roughly. Either Raymond was wise to them or he’d become so rapt in his conquest of Damian’s body that he could no longer find the words to express his disbelief in the direction the interview had taken. But as Raymond pushed his thick, sheathed dick into Damian’s ass, he became vocal again. “Damn, this ass feels incredible.” Damian could feel Raymond’s excitement and eagerness in the urgent thrusts and the vise-tight grip Raymond had on Damian’s hips. Damian never tired of the older men who felt such ecstasy, such wondrous surprise at getting to fuck his hole. If only he could give such pleasure forever… After being reamed for nearly ten minutes, Damian could sense Raymond closing in on his peak. With each thrust the older man pulled Damian’s ass toward him to drive in ever deeper. Damian moaned with each punishing stroke until finally Raymond shot inside the condom, screaming with each wave of his orgasm. Then he collapsed on the bottom boy’s back and whispered in his ear. “You’re even better than I imagined.” As Raymond dressed, Stan made conversation about the interview process continuing, and how they’d certainly be in contact with Raymond in the near future. Damian remained obediently on all fours, suspecting that Stan knew Raymond was wise to the scene, but continued the interview anyway. What mattered most to Stan was that the target was an attractive Daddy type—and good at fucking. After Raymond left, Stan’s partner, Bob, emerged from his hiding spot in the den. “That taping was one of the best in the past couple months,” he said as he kissed Stan on the cheek. Then he began to strip off his denim shorts. “And now my reward for all that hard work behind the camera is getting in your ass, Damian.” In response, Damian arched up his rear and waited for Bob’s pounding penetration to begin. Richard couldn’t help but smile when he saw Damian bound up the stairs to his clinic. The young man’s beauty and good nature never failed to delight him. “Hey, handsome. Sit right down. Are you being careful?” “Yes, sir, but I want to get checked anyway. Besides, it gives me a chance to see you.”

• From Scandalous Liaisons (2007)

  Story: *Lucien's Gamble* She'd looked at him as if she wanted to eat him alive. And, God, he'd love to allow her to. With very little effort, Lucien could imagine sliding his cock in and out of her delectable mouth. It would feel like warm silk . . . With a muffled curse, Lucien set his empty glass on the desk and walked to the bookshelf. […] Lucien had been aware that Montrose was playing too deep. Any other patron would have lost his credit privileges long ago. But Lucien had left the young earl's accounts open, for one reason and for one reason only—he wanted Julienne La Coeur. He'd coveted her across many a crowded ballroom. Tiny but temptingly voluptuous, with dark blonde hair and mischievous eyes, Julienne had stolen the breath from him at first sight. Lucien wasn't certain what he'd do with Julienne when he caught her. […] He honestly didn't know what he wanted. He only knew that he wanted. Badly.

• From The History of Christianity I: From the Disciples to the Dawn of the Reformation

  20 Lecture 3: The First Cultural Context—Judaism Assimilation and Separation in the Diaspora • Jews in the Diaspora experienced the same tension between the desire to assimilate and the desire to separate that similar minority groups often do. o Assimilation was expressed by adoption of the majority language, the change of names, and participation in shared cultural pursuits (as at the gymnasium); thus, in Alexandria, Jews read the Bible in Greek and interpreted it allegorically, as Greek philosophers did Homer. o Separation was expressed by the maintenance of “holiness” (difference) in assembly (the synagogue), in worship (the Sabbath), and in ancestral identity markers (circumcision). • Gentiles, in turn, responded ambivalently to the presence of Jewish communities in their midst. o Many Gentiles were attracted to Judaism because of its antiquity, moral teaching, and bloodless worship; some became converts (proselytes), and others were “God-fearers” who frequented synagogues but resisted full initiation. o Other Gentiles engaged in anti-Semitic attacks, accusing Jews of a variety of crimes, including “atheism.” These crimes can be summed up by the terms amixia (“failure to mingle”) or misanthropia (“hatred of humans”). • Jews in the Diaspora responded to attacks by developing a wide- ranging apologetic literature based on the Septuagint (the Greek Bible), using a variety of genres (history, poetry, moral instruction) to demonstrate that Jews were philanthropic (“lovers of humanity”). o One of the most famous of these writers was Philo of Alexandria, whose allegorical interpretations of Scripture were influential on later Christians. o Many of the apologetic arguments used by Diaspora Jews would be employed by Christians when they later faced similar attacks.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  Are gender roles essential to your sex life? If you want someone who is comfortable with your gender fluidity, say so. If a traditional butch/femme relationship is the bottom line for you, say that. Is sexual growth vital to your well-being? Is it important to you to learn new things about sex and sexuality over time? How important is sex in your life anyway? If ongoing erotic communication and play—however you define that—is essential to you in a partnership, say so. To yourself. To all the friends who are eager to see you happy. And most certainly to prospective lovers. Set Your StandardsThink of these as your sexual standards for being in a relationship. Of course, you may have other standards regarding other aspects of your partnerships—for instance, you may want a partner who has integrity, is loyal, loves children and dogs, and dances really, really well. Many of us are well-practiced in ticking off these qualities. We may be less versed in enumerating our sexual wants and needs. There are things that I will do for a partner because I want to make her happy even though I’m not that turned on by it. My last girlfriend loved to have her toes sucked. I wasn’t into that. I was very into seeing her turned on, so it was worth doing. There are things I won’t do, no matter how much a girl begs. No drawing blood. No Nazi scenes. No pedophilia scenes. No scat. No urine. My partner blamed many “dry spells” of very little or no sex on depression, school, and herpes. I always remained patient, and tried to ride out the storms…. Nine years later, she left me. I will never again tolerate lack of sex for any excessive duration for any excuse. No harm will come to either of us if we come to the realization that our sexual needs are not compatible, and part ways immediately. You might think of your sexual standards as good boundaries; they are that, and more. Your sexual standards describe what qualities you require in both your partner and your relationship. Sex with her was so great in the beginning because—and I still have no idea how she was able to do this—we could go for hours and hours. She is 23 years my senior and disabled, but her passion is unequaled by any woman I’ve known or even heard about. She is inventive, all-consuming—right there. It’s even better now that we know each other so well. Our connection is stronger and the sex is fantastic. Sex with her is so great because our hearts and energies are as intertwined as our bodies.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  What sexual qualities do you look for in a partner? By sexual qualities, I don’t mean a 5-inch tongue, fingers as busy as a vibrator, or an exquisite strap-on technique. I’m talking about the qualities of self we bring to our sexual couplings. You may say that you want a partner who knows without being told what you need sexually. You’ve no doubt heard by now that this is a romantic myth. Sure, it happens, but I wouldn’t count on it. Eros, if it is to survive the ravages of time, familiarity, and routine, requires a special kind of nurturing and a unique set of skills. JACK MORIN Putting aside the desire for a mind-reader or a magician, and your own personal likes and dislikes, what makes someone a great sex partner? Here are some qualities that can make a difference, regardless of your sexual proclivities or situation. (This is not a complete list, nor does it address all the other aspects of relationship.) Some of these are qualities you can develop in yourself as well as look for in others: • Erotic attraction. Heat. Someone for whom you feel powerful sexual desire. • Sexual compatibility. Your favored sexual activities needn’t match up like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, but it helps to be playing the same game. • Willingness to try new things—that’s what makes it possible for you to grow sexually, both individually and together. • Openness to discussion about what you like, don’t like, what you need, how you feel, your sexual histories, STDs, safer sex—even if the conversation is awkward or uncomfortable. These are the courageous conversations that make possible new erotic adventures, experiences that can’t possibly happen if you never speak up. Good communication deepens sexual relationship. • Respect both for herself and for you. That’s limits and desires—especially respect for those she does not share. This also includes respecting your physical and emotional health concerns. • Sexual honesty. This is required for your emotional safety. It’s also the bottom line for couples who forgo safer sex practices, instead choosing to be monogamous or fluid-bonded. • Ability to listen to not just the words, but the intention. Listening is more than just waiting your turn to speak. • Embodiment. You do not have to be a goddess of sensuality or a practitioner of Tantra to be in touch with bodily sensations. Regardless of your level of sexual experience, your disabilities and physical limitations, and even a history of dissociation, you can learn how to live in your body as a sensate being. Sex with her is so great because she embodies a wide range of genders and sexual roles—boy, fag, straight girl, butch dyke, high femme, daddy… How would you describe your ideal partner? Here are some examples to get you started: Someone who really touches my skin and listens to my body. The skin is the biggest sexual organ of them all.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Because passionate connections spring from the magnetism of contrasts, they are the most likely to be cemented, at least initially, by rushes of lusty heat combined with the thrill of limerence. The lovers feel so vibrantly alive and whole that practical questions of compatibility become irrelevant. Consequently, passionate couplings can be fragile, often unraveling as dramatically as they began. But passion can also launch two individuals onto an evolving lifelong odyssey. I’m sure that far fewer of us would ever take the plunge into couplehood without the unbridled passion that helps overcome fear and reticence long enough for a genuine bond to take hold. The passion produced by contrast is one kind of chemistry. Another kind—equally powerful, but less frenetic—occurs when companionate couples bask in the joy of profound similarities and mutual resonance. These partners typically describe each other as soul mates or best friends. Whereas passionate lovers may use the terminology of friendship to express feelings of oneness, they sense their relationship is quite different from other friendships, a fact their friends definitely notice. Companionate lovers really do feel and act like friends. Most of them enjoy sex, especially at first, but recognize the absence of the high intensity they may recall from stormier past relationships. For a time this doesn’t matter because their commonality brings a beautifully quiet passion to their lovemaking. They’re often amazed by how easy it is to be together and quickly settle into a high comfort level with minimal insecurity. In most cases, an awareness of similarity is friendship, whereas an awareness of difference is passion, so I’m sure it won’t surprise you that while companionate relationships are often highly romantic, some aren’t particularly sexual. A significant portion evolve into friendships, with one or both looking for passion elsewhere. Those who stay together, however, often become highly compatible mates. Some practical aspects of pair bonding aren’t at all romantic. Pragmatic couples are primarily brought together by convenience or availability, even though neither partner stirs deep passions or elicits a special resonance in the other. Other practical considerations include the ability to be a good provider, reliable mate, or trustworthy parent. Because pragmatic connections begin in the mind rather than the heart—often accepted or rejected after a careful weighing of pros and cons—they tend to be short on magic and zest. In their most extreme form, these relationships have the flavor of a business deal. Despite their limitations, some pragmatic pairings have amazing staying power, in part because they’re relatively free of the grand expectations and fantasies that often set other couples up for disappointment. And don’t forget that, like all relationships, pragmatic connections evolve. Although it’s quite rare for passions to flare where none existed at the beginning, this does occasionally happen. But it is far more likely for pragmatic couples to develop genuine bonds of affection and respect.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  Doesn’t get jealous, wants to have sex frequently with cuddles before, during and after, enjoys sex with others with and without my participation, is into a wide range of sexual activities including BDSM, has no hang-ups about safer-sex practices, is open and honest about what she wants in and out of bed, respects the hell out of me. Hmmm. Butch. Tall. Sweet, kind, strong, intelligent, humorous, loving, open, honest, warm, interested in life, slightly introverted, thoughtful, sexy!!! Oh, and open to being in a poly relationship of course… My ideal female sex partner would be unselfconscious about her body. She’d be uninhibited, and adventurous. She’d know she was beautiful, and she’d approach sex as a way of expressing the joy of being a physical creature. I can’t help but think of the way cats move in their bodies—a mixture of pride and pleasure. My ideal woman would be like that. A free spirit. What Kind of Partnership Do You Want?The idea of choosing what kind of relationship you want may be quite foreign. After all, how many models of sexual partnership are we offered? Many of us fall into relationships very easily. Sometimes we end up in a sexual relationship exactly like the one we told our best friend we wouldn’t settle for. How does that happen? Well, there are many reasons for repeating past mistakes. And many sources of help for sorting out our histories and motivations. In the meantime, think about what you want for your future. What kind of relationship do you want? Do you long for a committed partner who shares your home as well as your bed? Or does the thought of “till death do us part” make you break out in hives? Would you like home, lover, family—but not monogamy? Monogamy, but not cohabitation? Not interested in marriage right now, thank-you-very-much? Do you want to date without pressure? Is your joy in dating over time, discovering a partner’s particular brand of sexuality—without any expectation, implicit or otherwise, that if you care about her you’ll want the relationship to go further? If monogamy is your goal, how do you define it? Is it monogamy if you have sex with only one partner in real time, but have online play partners? Or flirt in chatrooms? Does an occasional romp at a play party count? What about a lap dance at a charity strip show? Or when you’re out of town on business? And is this arrangement explicit—something you’ve discussed with your partner—or something you think she knows-but-doesn’t-want-to-know? Does your relationship leave room for you to fantasize freely, even when your partner is not in the starring role—or do you rein in your imagination? I perform as a drag king and flirting is part of the show. I get offers for sex with women I am REALLY attracted to and wish I could keep my current relationship with my partner and have some sex on the side.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  Monogamy vs. nonmonogamy (or polyamory—see “What’s Your Style?,” below) is an age-old tug-of-war. It’s also a construct—that is, something we have created. As with other polarities (children vs. no children, city vs. country), it oversimplifies our real needs and goes nowhere toward creating mutual satisfaction. Be specific about what these words mean to you. What about monogamy do you require? Is it security and commitment? Do you need exclusivity in order to risk or sustain intimacy? Monogamy is not a remedy for jealousy (for that, turn to open communication and trust built over time), nor is it insurance against loss. We used to have a theoretical open-relationship. We didn’t want the desire to sleep with someone else to ruin our emotional relationship, so we thought we would remove the stigma and make desiring and sleeping with another “OK.” We were eventually honest with each other about our jealousy and admitted we would be very hurt if the other slept with someone else so we closed the relationship. We still have an agreement to talk about it and be honest about attraction to or desire for someone else. Does your erotic life blossom in the shared privacy of two—and only two? My sexuality is an expression of my love—it’s reserved for only one person. We are monogamous and very content like this. We have been together for three years, we know each other very well, we have fabulous sex and we have great communication and honesty. If you prefer nonmonogamy or polyamory, what about that is important to you? Is it the idea of sexual freedom—or the practice? Nonmonogamy is not a guarantee of sexual satisfaction; nor does it prevent loss of sexual interest. Do you need to know that you can act on the erotic sparks that fuel your days? Do you need more sex than your partner and want to take care of that need? Being poly is very satisfying for me. Having the freedom to get my sexual needs met in the variety of ways that I enjoy is wonderful and necessary for someone like me who has such a strong (and varied) sexual drive. Do you want to have sexual relationships, or is it sexual variety and adventure that you need? Would a birthday visit from a stripper offering more than a show satisfy your itch? A recreational play date? Both of us to enjoy our freedom of sexual expression, and face it—playing with a woman that you will never have to see again is really fun. What mutually satisfying possibilities might you imagine together? Would either of you feel differently if extramarital forays were negotiated and staged to involve both of you? While the idea of having sex with someone other than your lover may leave you cold, might you participate as co-conspirator and witness? What about spinning fantastic tales of made-up sexual adventure while you have sex? Would attending a sex party as voyeurs (and having sex afterward) satisfy your need for outside sexual stimulation?

• From The Genius of Judy: How Judy Blume Rewrote Childhood for All of Us (2023)

  Accessed through the New York Public Library.“My friends and I played sexual games, sexual games between girlfriends” : Ibid.“We are exactly the same size” : Judy Blume, Forever (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Bradbury Press, 1975). I worked from the 2014 reprint from Simon & Schuster, p. 13.“He threatened that if I wouldn’t sleep with him” : Ibid., p. 15.“Let’s save something for tomorrow” : Ibid., p. 21.“In the old days girls were divided into two groups” : Ibid., p. 37.“I’ve been thinking” : Ibid., p. 30.“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and have decided I don’t want” : Ibid., p. 184.“Sybil Davison has a genius IQ” : Ibid., p. 1.“whole experience was more than she bargained for” : Ibid., p. 184.“that a girl like Sybil might have a genius IQ” : Weidt, Presenting Judy Blume , p. 50.“Were you a virgin when you got married?” : Judy Blume, Forever , p. 83.“Sex is a commitment… ” : Ibid., p. 84.“The new ideology is that sex is good and good sex means orgasm” : Richard V. Lepe, “What About the Right to Say ‘No’?,” New York Times , September 16, 1973. Referenced on pp. 111–12 of Forever.“Not that I don’t identify with Katherine” : Weidt, Presenting Judy Blume , p. 53.“be careful” : Judy Blume, Forever , p. 37.“Sometimes it’s hard for parents to accept the facts” : Ibid., p. 119.“There were double standards then” : Ibid., p. 83.Three years later in 1939, Tampax was featured : Details about the Hall of Pharmacy found in the New York Public Library’s digital World’s Fair 1939 and 1940 collection. Accessed online: https://digitalcollections.nypl.org/search/index?utf8=%E2%9C%93&keywords=pharmacy# .“that a tampon took up no more room than a standard nozzle” : As quoted in Joan Jacobs Brumberg’s The Body Project : An Intimate History of American Girls (New York: Vintage Books, 1997), p. 161.“of the time that Erica taught me how to use tampons” : Judy Blume, Forever , p. 129. In a TikTok from 2022 : https://www.tiktok.com/@singinraisin/video/7180450325726285102 .“This is really rough” : Judy Blume, Forever , p. 27.“soft mattresses are good for making love” : Ibid., p. 41.she’s not “mentally ready… a person has to think” : Ibid., p. 50.“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were a tease” : Ibid., p. 51.“Sometimes I want to so much,” she admits : Ibid., p. 52.“I was thinking, I love you Michael” : Ibid., p. 66.“I didn’t tell them that with Michael and me it’s different” : Ibid., p. 91.“In my whole life nothing will ever mean more to me” : Ibid., p. 134.they don’t have to “do anything”; they can “just talk” : Ibid., p. 96.“when we were naked, in each other’s arms, I wanted to do everything” : Ibid., p. 102.“I’m thinking about getting pregnant” : Ibid., pp. 102–103.“Still, I can’t help feeling let down” : Ibid., p. 107.Chapter Eleven Pleasure“Can we do it again?” : Judy Blume, Forever (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Bradbury Press, 1975), p.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  If you are skeptical and doubtful that nonmonogamy can work, then it won’t work. If you believe in the freedom of desires and have the determination to pursue what’s in your heart, anything is possible. WENDY-O MATIK In any case, don’t be talked into arrangements that you know are impossible for you. (One woman wrote about what she called “crappy non-monogamy”—a situation in which “not everyone involved really wanted non-monogamy” but, out of fear of losing a partner, went along with the arrangement. The same could be said of “crappy” monogamy.) Self-denial doesn’t prove love. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Are you by nature polyamorous? Does being polyamorous mean you prefer to engage in committed relationships with your sexual partners? Is one relationship more “important” than the other—and what does that mean? More sexual? More intimate? More shared responsibilities? Would you consider your life perfect with a committed spouse who encourages your ongoing crushes and sexual friendships? A three-way marriage? Partners of both genders—or a variety of genders? If you currently have one lover, do you still call yourself “polyamorous”? For some women, polyamory is as much a sexual orientation as gender preference. They speak of their desire as a way of being, not a strategy—though they will tell you there certainly are payoffs! Polyamory is not a way to fix yourself. It’s a myth that if you’re polyamorous, all that sexual variety will prevent you from ever becoming bored or having sexual conflicts. More likely, it is the intentionality and awareness with which you approach your sex life that is keeping your libido simmering, not the fact that you have more than one lover. You may have a fuck buddy whom you see now and again when your desires and schedules mesh. You may be in each other’s lives for years, share all the horrid details of your last breakup over pastry at the café “after”—or meet for sex and only sex, that’s it, put on your shoes and go. What’s Your Style? Monogamy: Having sexual relations exclusively with one partner Serial monogamy: Engaging in a series of monogamous relationships, one after the other Nonmonogamy: Having sexual relations with more than one partner Fluid-bonding: A safer-sex strategy of using latex barriers and limiting sexual activities with all but a primary sexual partner Polyamory: Having more than one sexual relationship at a time. Some women use this term to mean sexual relations with more than one partner, preferring this term to nonmonogamy, a word based on a negative. 24/7: Full-time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, BDSM role-based relationship

• From The Genius of Judy: How Judy Blume Rewrote Childhood for All of Us (2023)

  141.“Our old ethic is, like Venice, sinking imperceptibly into the sea” : John Money, “Recreational—and Procreational—Sex,” New York Times , September 13, 1975.which had more than doubled between 1963 and 1975 : U.S. Bureau of the Census, Current Population Reports Series P-20, No. 297, “Number, Timing and Duration of Marriages and Divorces in the United States: June 1975” (Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1976).she answers, “Does it matter?” : Judy Blume, Forever , p. 120.“I’d rather take the Pill” : Ibid., p. 128.“Katherine absolutely wants it and is in touch with her own desire” : RL to RB, November 8, 2023.Michael describes his mom and dad as “a little stuffier” : Judy Blume, Forever , p. 142.“We don’t have to do anything…” : Ibid., p. 136.he “use[s] more junk” than she does : Ibid., p. 138.“Do you ever put it on your balls?” : Ibid., p. 139.“I grabbed his backside with both hands” : Ibid., p. 140.“I thought how nice it would be if we could go upstairs” : Ibid., p. 143.“Any way you want,” Michael answers : Ibid., p. 174.“I thought, there are so many ways to love a person” : Ibid., p. 175.“We both think you could use a change of scenery” : Ibid., p. 151.“So they’ll find out that separating us won’t change anything” : Ibid., p. 158.“What’s forever supposed to mean?” : Ibid., p. 187.“There’s another guy, isn’t there?” : Ibid., p. 203. actually he “screwed [his] way around North Carolina” : Ibid., p. 206.“I’ll never regret one single thing we did together” : Ibid., p. 208.Chapter Twelve Paperbacks“We’d all whisper and certain pages would fall open” : Telephone interview with Lauren Harrison, October 25, 2022.“Labeling it an adult book… was our way of saying” : Weidt, Presenting Judy Blume , p. 59.She told School Library Journal that seeing the book described that way : Roger Sutton, “An Interview with Judy Blume, Forever… Yours,” School Library Journal , June 1996, pp. 25–27.“Dick told me, ‘Judy Blume is our big author’ ” : PS to RB, May 27, 2022.“a kind of heroine to the kids who read and re-read her books” : Best Seller List, New York Times , August 15, 1976.The paper of record’s review of Forever : “Forever,” New York Times , December 28, 1975.Obviously it’s not a quality book : Review by Regina Minudri, School Library Journal , November 1975, p. 95.Kirkus was also dismissive : Kirkus Reviews, October 1, 1975. Accessed through the New York Public Library.with whom Judy would eventually develop a warm relationship : Box 26 of the Judy Blume Papers at Yale University’s Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library. Accessed April 1, 2022, over email.Pollack did not include Forever in her story : Pamela D. Pollack, “Sex in Children’s Fiction: Freedom to Frighten?,” SIECUS Report 5, no.

• From Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body (2017)

  As much as I wrote, I lost myself in books even more. I read everything I could get my hands on. My favorite books were the Little House on the Prairie books. I loved the idea that Laura Ingalls, an ordinary girl from the plains, could live an ordinary extraordinary life in a time so different from mine. I loved all the details in the books—Pa bringing home delectable oranges, making candy in the snow with maple syrup, the bond shared by the Ingalls sisters, Laura being called half-pint. As the Ingalls girls grew up, I loved Laura’s rivalry with Nellie Oleson and her courtship with Almanzo Wilder, who would eventually become her husband. I was breathless when I read about the first years of their marriage as homesteaders, enduring the trials of farming and raising their daughter, Rose. I wanted that kind of steady, true love for myself, and I wanted a relationship where I could be independent but loved and looked after at the same time. When I moved on from Little House on the Prairie, I read everything by Judy Blume. I mostly learned about sex from her novel Forever . . . , and for many years, I assumed that all men called their dicks “Ralph.” I read books about adventurous girls mining for gold in California and surviving the trials and tribulations of the wagon trail. I became intensely obsessed with the loving rivalry of Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield in the idyllic California town of Sweet Valley. I read Clan of the Cave Bear and learned that sex could be far more interesting than the youthful fumblings of Katherine and Michael in Forever . . . had indicated. I read and read and read. My imagination expanded infinitely. There are countless pictures of me wearing skirts and dresses, pictures where I am a girly girl with long, done-up hair, jewelry, doing the whole pretty-princess thing. I long thought I was a tomboy because I was the only girl in my family. Sometimes we try to convince ourselves of things that are not true, reframing the past to better explain the present. When I look at these pictures, it is quite clear that while I enjoyed roughhousing and playing in dirt with my brothers and such, I wasn’t entirely a tomboy, not really.

• From St. Augustine's Confessions (2004)

  III. Augustine also tells us about how this habit has been with him since adolescence. A. He deals with the paradoxical nature of this habit: He wanted to be rid of it, but he was also totally attached to it. B. This paradox is stated in what is perhaps the most famous line in the Confessions: When he was a youth, Augustine used to pray, “Grant me chastity and self-control, but please, not yet.” IV. Augustine’s conversion comes when he reads a book. A. The book is Paul’s Epistle to the Romans. B. The passage in Romans speaks directly to the great obstacle to his conversion, sex. C. The passage is the famous command against “debauchery and lewedness” from Romans 13. V. The passage is rightly famous for its dramatic intensity. A. Augustine hears a voice saying, “pick it up and read, pick it up and read.” B. The voice is mysterious, the voice of a child, but Augustine cannot remember any children’s games that have that tag line. C. Augustine takes the voice as being addressed to himself. VI. Augustine the author has clearly set this scene up so that it makes its point with the greatest effect. A. He is interested in showing that his search for God and God’s search for him have come together at this point. B. Did it happen exactly as Augustine said it did? 1. We can never know for sure. 2. But clearly, that is not the major point for Augustine the author to make at this moment. 3. He is more interested in presenting the meaning of his conversion as memorably and convincingly as he can. VII. The story of Augustine’s conversion takes its place among the great conversion stories of Christianity, another book added to the stories of Paul and Antony of the Desert. 50 ©2004 The Teaching Company. A. Antony, as the first monk, is a model: first, for being converted by Scripture and, second, because he anticipates Augustine’s own monastic period. B. As for Paul, Augustine reads his text from Romans, and at that moment, his will is turned to God. As he famously puts it, “I had no wish to read further, nor was there need.” C. Since Alypius converts in Augustine’s footsteps, this becomes the account of a dual conversion. Suggested Readings: Cook and Herzman, chapter 4. Dante, Inferno, Canto V. Miles, chapter 2. O’Connell, St. Augustine’s Confessions: The Odyssey of Soul, chapters 11 and 12. Questions to Consider: 1. How does Augustine dramatize the moment of his conversion? How important is it that events happened exactly the way that he said they did? 2. Why is it important that Augustine’s friend Alypius is converted at the same time that Augustine is? ©2004 The Teaching Company. 51

• From Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex (1994)

  I could hear the audience applauding the dancer in the room next door, and people moving in and out of the tables near us, but these things receded, dreamy and still. In sex there are new rules, sometimes no rules; the body takes charge. We are no longer in the quotidian sphere. Georgia’s curly hair drifted across Penny’s breasts, and my own hunger seemed to explode within. In front of me all this sweet, clean skin, and the rising bouquet of arousal, and in slow motion, a beringed hand slipping to stroke between two legs in the dim and coppery light. Then Georgia rose up from Penny for a moment and I caught Don’s eye, and he was laughing at my punch-drunk face. I looked at Jeannie and she was staring at the women right beside her, almost in her lap; I looked back at Georgia and she’d turned in the midst of the act to watch the pair of naked women embracing on the table next to us, watched by three Japanese men in suits. And I turned to look at the men gathered around the tables a few feet below us and I could see them watching me, watching them. The sexual fantasy not of going to a whore, but of being one, is quite common. There is a whore in each of us, the whore who conquers our desire by selling it, conquers our fear of abandonment by controlling the risks of all her relations. The urge to romanticize the prostitute and her life is just like the urge to imagine her as infinitely sordid or as an inevitable victim—more about us than the whore. The whore scares us, the happy whore most of all, because she doesn’t need conventional rules to survive and thrive. She makes up her own. “I don’t look like this when I go to clients,” Alex tells me toward the end of our interview, curled up cross-legged on the bare mattress in jeans and a soft flannel shirt. Her dark hair is shaggy and loose, and she wears no makeup. “When I go to clients I’m a totally different person. I do run an ad sometimes that specifically says ‘tomboy,’ and I get guys who really like that, and don’t want me to wear makeup. Still, I’ve got to get into the gym and work out and be in shape, and if I gain a little weight it’s ‘oh, no.’ I have to shave all the time, which I’d rather not do. When I work, I’m usually in full-done drag, high heels and makeup and hair done up and a little dress that shows my cleavage.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  And over time, your sexual partnership—in fact, your whole relationship—will deepen and grow as you enjoy a sexual connection that feels truly alive. Difference ≠ IncompatibilityYou and your partner may have perfectly matching sexual interests (you like fisting and she likes to get fisted; she dislikes being penetrated vaginally and you don’t care one way or the other about strapping it on). Or not—you could find yourself in a relationship with someone whose turn-ons do not mesh with yours. How does this happen? For starters, you probably did not discuss your likes and dislikes early on. You didn’t know how to bring up the subject—you didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and you didn’t have the vocabulary to get down to the nitty-gritty. Sexual compatibility wasn’t high on your list. (Did you have a list?) Having fallen for your new lover, you assumed the rest would work itself out. Perhaps you thought that sex would get better over time. (It is possible to have chemistry without compatibility. Just because you feel like a tomcat in heat whenever she walks into the room does not mean that she will satisfy you sexually over time.) “But sex isn’t all there is to a relationship,” you may say. True. Yet once you find yourself living with sexual frustration, you may realize it’s more important than you thought. Even if your desires complement one another perfectly now, in time you may discover sexual needs that weren’t apparent in the first blush of sexual heat. You may be happy being sexually exclusive now; but having been polyamorous in the past, will you someday want to invite new sexual partners into your life? You may be in agreement on this point, but what about who those new partners will be? How often will you spend the night with your other partners, what activities will you share, and where? Can you invite her former fuck buddy home for a romp in the play room? Can she invite her new crush into your bed? On your vacation? What if your lover dislikes your favorite turn-on—or likes something that leaves you cold? How do you negotiate differences in sexual interests? Over time you may discover new turn-ons. If you are committed to trying new sexual activities together, there’s no guarantee you’ll both like the same things. Differences in sexual interest do not necessarily indicate incompatibility—in fact, your differences are a priceless resource. It may be the frisson that makes those sparks fly. Take advantage of all the erotic possibilities your differences may offer. Your partner may request activities you never considered trying, and working that out may open you to new possibilities that will enrich your erotic life. Your sexual tastes, frequency, and range of interests will broaden as you try on those of your partners. My most recent partners have put vocabulary to my sexual “deviancies.” I always thought I was a redneck conservative, but it actually turns out, I’m a fairly kinky woman.

• From Apprenticed to Venus: My Secret Life with Anaïs Nin (2017)

  “Oh! Don is just your half-brother,” Anaïs exclaimed. “That’s not so bad.” “No, Don isn’t actually related to me at all. He’s one of my brothers in the commune.” “You call them brothers?” Renate said. “Why?” “Because we live together like a family, and Don says that because we’re brother and sister in the commune it would be like incest if we slept together.” Renate flipped her hand provocatively. “I don’t see how he can resist the convenience. He wouldn’t have to get in his car and drive, and you’d both get to sleep in your own beds.” “Oh, Renate!” Anaïs scolded. “I’m serious,” Renate insisted. “My perfect lover is one I could lower on cables to my bed from the ceiling when I want. When we’re finished doing it, I’d just press a lever and he’d disappear through a trap door into the rafters.” I chuckled, but Anaïs rolled her eyes. She’d warned me privately that Renate had let herself become bitter about men, and I should avoid her example. “Bitterness makes you prematurely old,” Anaïs frequently declared. “The secret to my eternal youthfulness is that I forbid myself bitterness.” “What does your Don look like?” Renate wanted to know. “Like Robert Redford. He runs the Writing Center at UCLA.” “That’s the kind of man you should be with,” Anaïs said. “Someone who shares your interests in literature. But are you sure he isn’t gay?” “I’m sure. He has different girlfriends spend the night on weekends. Really beautiful ones.” “Don’t give up on him then,” Anaïs urged. “When Donna Juana and Don Juan come together it creates a lot of fireworks.” She described her affair with a Don Juan who was an opera singer. “The thing to remember with a Don Juan is that he loses interest the moment you stop being elusive. You have to sustain the cat and mouse game.” I felt fortunate to have Anaïs as advisor to my love life. There wasn’t a romantic liaison with which she didn’t have personal experience. I was aware that she took vicarious enjoyment through my Sabina adventures, but it seemed only fair given how I, and thousands of other women, had enjoyed her erotic adventures in her novels and Diaries. Anaïs, Renate, and I often took turns telling tales of our Sabina seductions. As in all our conversations, we looked for the metaphors and myths embedded in our encounters. I learned to include poetic details as Anaïs did and humorous twists as Renate did.

• From The City of God

  Lecture 6 Transcript—The Price of Empire (Books 2–3) But for Augustine, the true tenor and the true terror of this idea, the libido dominandi, lies precisely in its indeterminacy between these two meanings, as we are caught between these two temptations. The libido dominandi can rightly be described as a lust, though that in a far broader sense than any reductive sexual categorization. And it can rightly be described as aggression, though again in a far deeper sense than sheer physical abuse. Both are forms of longing for a kind of utterly unconstrained agency, and both are forms of slavery to a longing that they can never fulfill, and both are both at the same time. It is, for Augustine, precisely when the Roman hero decides he has to destroy the city in order to save it, when he decides he has to kill his own children to save his own family, when he commits an act that is simultaneously savagely brutish and subhuman, and terrifyingly demonic and superhuman, that the libido dominandi is revealed in its full and tragic profundity. Such a picture of moral psychology is more accurate, because more comprehensive Augustine thinks, than either of its moralistic reductionisms would allow. It’s simply shallow to think that we are basically sexual beings, as some Freudians say, and it’s melodramatic to think that we are creatures lusting after some absolute power, as possibly some Nietzscheans suggest. We want love and domination, and they are genuinely different longings for us. Even Freud would allow—we hope—that sometimes sex is not ultimately only about sex. The essential form of the desire is prior to specification as sexual or political or intellectual or anything else. It’s something far more protean, more nebulous, than that. In fact, there is no single worldly coherence to the libido dominandi, because it is, in several senses, irredeemably theological. In its most basic form, it is the longing that governs humans after Eden in their desire to be like God. It is essentially an unstable, ambivalent, and ambiguous desire precisely because the fallen longing it expresses—rebellion against God and envy of God’s power—is unstable, ambivalent, and 129

• From Looking for Alaska (2005)

  “The oldest trick in the book,” she said, “but everybody falls for it.” I tried a smile, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Dr. Hyde. It was worse than the Duct Tape Incident, because I always knew that the Kevin Richmans of the world didn’t like me. But my teachers had always been card-carrying members of the Miles Halter Fan Club. “I told you he was an asshole,” she said. “I still think he’s a genius. He’s right. I wasn’t listening.” “Right, but he didn’t need to be a jerk about it. Like he needs to prove his power by humiliating you?! Anyway,” she said, “the only real geniuses are artists: Yeats, Picasso, García Márquez: geniuses . Dr. Hyde: bitter old man.” And then she announced we were going to look for four-leaf clovers until class ended and we could go smoke with the Colonel and Takumi, “both of whom,” she added, “are big-time assholes for not marching out of class right behind us.” When Alaska Young is sitting with her legs crossed in a brittle, periodically green clover patch leaning forward in search of four-leaf clovers, the pale skin of her sizable cleavage clearly visible, it is a plain fact of human physiology that it becomes impossible to join in her clover search. I’d gotten in enough trouble already for looking where I wasn’t supposed to, but still… After perhaps two minutes of combing through a clover patch with her long, dirty fingernails, Alaska grabbed a clover with three full-size petals and an undersize, runt of a fourth, then looked up at me, barely giving me time to avert my eyes. “Even though you were clearly not doing your part in the clover search, perv,” she said wryly, “I really would give you this clover. Except luck is for suckers.” She pinched the runt petal between the nails of her thumb and finger and plucked it. “There,” she said to the clover as she dropped it onto the ground. “Now you’re not a genetic freak anymore.” “Uh, thanks,” I said. The bell rang, and Takumi and the Colonel were first out the door. Alaska stared at them. “What?” asked the Colonel. But she just rolled her eyes and started walking. We followed in silence through the dorm circle and then across the soccer field. We ducked into the woods, following the faint path around the lake until we came to a dirt road. The Colonel ran up to Alaska, and they started fighting about something quietly enough that I couldn’t hear the words so much as the mutual annoyance, and I finally asked Takumi where we were headed. “This road dead-ends into the barn,” he said. “So maybe there. But probably the smoking hole. You’ll see.” From here, the woods were a totally different creature than from Dr. Hyde’s classroom.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  As we teach them what pleases us, we learn, too. When I first wanted to explore strap-on sex, my girlfriend barely knew harness from dildo. It really forced me to get past my shyness and vocalize my desires. What at first may seem like an accommodation may prove to be revelatory. Not all of us were born knowing our kinks. Not all of us played bondage games with the neighborhood kids. That’s how I came to be such a dirty S/M pervert. It was a critical part of a partner’s sexuality, and I stretched myself to do more of the things that didn’t necessarily come naturally to me. I’m grateful to her for the learning experience. I have a richer and fuller sex life now because of experimenting with her. Same with my current partner and her love of anal sex. Circumstances may force you to be inventive—and what you invent you may find you like. My girlfriend and I share a room in a women-only university dorm, and the walls are paper-thin, so we’ve learned how to be quiet while still letting each other hear breathy moans. The combination of our silence-enforced sex and virtually no free time means that we try to use every free day as a holiday, and sometimes check ourselves into a hotel for a night or two, just so we can be noisy and wild. A common symptom of my chronic health problem is loss of desire, so I have been working really hard to not have that be a symptom of mine. Also, it helps that I went five years without good sex and now I’m making up for lost time. My girlfriends have always responded really well to the fact that I take the TIME to plan something special for them regardless of whether it was a romantic, sensual or hot, rip-off-the-clothes-in-the-hallway kind of affair. Preparation has really kept my sexual relationships alive. I’m a feast-or-famine lover. I tend to gorge myself on sex for a week or so and then a couple of weeks can go by with little sexual activity. I’m distracted and temporarily sated. Then I start feeling deprived and the marathon begins again. I think my partner would like sex more consistently. She teases when I go into feast mode because then I can do it anytime, anywhere…. Sometimes, I like a time-limited self-imposed famine. We can only kiss or hug platonically. Then, we want each other like we did when we first got together. I have a disability due to arthritis and trauma, and I find that I am not as flexible as I once was. I have adapted, use more pillows in different ways, so it is not much of a barrier. I got a sling to hold my legs up because that is my preferred position.