Contentment

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  get better at the discipline. Quiet your mind, don’t speak, and if your thoughts take over, bring them back to stillness. If you must focus on something, choose one attribute of God, and think about that. But don’t try to explore the attribute or analyze it. Be still and sit with it for a while. Learn to find and value the joy of just being in God’s presence, without an agenda or a time limit. COMMUNITY PRAYER Praying alone is a beautiful, intimate way to communicate with God, but praying in a group is valuable as well. It has a dynamic all its own. Faith and religion naturally create community, and that community is centered on a shared relationship with God. Praying together is a powerful way to express our faith and grow closer to one another. There is incredible power, encouragement, and life in praying with others. Pray with one or two others. Jesus said, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20). You could meet with a friend, your spouse, a sibling—anyone willing to join you in prayer. It could be daily, weekly, monthly, or whenever you feel the need pray. Pray as part of a small group. This could be a formal group that meets regularly or an impromptu gathering of friends. It provides an opportunity to hear others’ needs, to pray for and with them, and to be prayed for yourself. Not only is the prayer useful, but the fellowship, support, and counsel we are able to share with one another are life-giving. In church, corporate prayer will likely be part of the service. There may be time for everyone to pray at once out loud, or for corporate silent prayer, or for repeating written prayers in unison. All of these have value if they are from your heart. Participate as much as you are comfortable, and ask God to meet you where you are. Don’t compare yourself to others, but instead simply enjoy being in a community with people who share your faith. Intercede for others. Intercession is a term that refers to praying for other people. You might intercede alone or with other people, maybe for a few minutes or maybe much longer than that. Through intercessory prayer, you can help people and influence situations by going to God and asking for His grace and intervention on behalf of others.

• From Bold Move

  Yes, but they moved us away from living a life based on our values because we were operating on automatic pilot, following a cultural value that might no longer be our value. Culture, another person’s compass, can be a factor that prevents us from living a life in line with our values. Let Values Be Your GuideThe opposite of living a life driven by emotions, goals, or other people is a values-driven life. A values-driven life is one in which your values function as the internal compass guiding you toward and helping you define your goals in life. To live a values-driven life is at times much more challenging than being led by our emotions, goals, or other people because it means we have to face our avoidance, identify it, and often recalibrate our lives toward what matters most to us. To do so, you will have to make decisions that in the moment might lead to more discomfort but will yield more long-term fulfillment. For example, choosing the gym in the morning will always collide with my time with Diego and, to be honest, it is less immediately rewarding than his kisses, but by choosing to Align my daily actions with my value of health, I am much more likely to have a longer and better life and overall more time with Diego long term. In fact, more than one hundred studies that looked at acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT; the therapy I briefly introduced in the last chapter ) have documented the positive impact of values-driven behaviors.10 People who have learned how to live a values-driven life have less anxiety, depression, substance use, and even physical pain. Although a values-driven life can be challenging in the moment, when viewed in the long term, it leads to a more fulfilling life. To live a bold life, it is crucial to align values with actions, and that is what we will do in the next chapter. Chapter ElevenCalibrating Your Inner CompassAs we approach the final chapter of Bold Move , I have a confession to make. For the first several years of my career, I never talked to my clients about their values, even though I often thought a lot about mine. I was trained in what the psychological field today calls the “second wave” of cognitive behavioral therapy,1 which meant I focused most on my clients’ thoughts and actions, often creating clear plans to teach their brains to stop reacting to false alarms (see parts II and III of this book).

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  See what comes to mind. Journal it if you wish. Then throughout your day, remind yourself of the word or phrase that came to you while reading.Silence is another way to commune with God. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Rather than filling your whole prayer time with words, set aside time to just be still. It’s surprisingly difficult. You might need to start with just one minute of silence, then work your way up as you get better at the discipline. Quiet your mind, don’t speak, and if your thoughts take over, bring them back to stillness. If you must focus on something, choose one attribute of God, and think about that. But don’t try to explore the attribute or analyze it. Be still and sit with it for a while. Learn to find and value the joy of just being in God’s presence, without an agenda or a time limit.COMMUNITY PRAYER Praying alone is a beautiful, intimate way to communicate with God, but praying in a group is valuable as well. It has a dynamic all its own. Faith and religion naturally create community, and that community is centered on a shared relationship with God. Praying together is a powerful way to express our faith and grow closer to one another. There is incredible power, encouragement, and life in praying with others. Pray with one or two others . Jesus said, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20). You could meet with a friend, your spouse, a sibling—anyone willing to join you in prayer. It could be daily, weekly, monthly, or whenever you feel the need pray.Pray as part of a small group . This could be a formal group that meets regularly or an impromptu gathering of friends. It provides an opportunity to hear others’ needs, to pray for and with them, and to be prayed for yourself. Not only is the prayer useful, but the fellowship, support, and counsel we are able to share with one another are life-giving.In church, corporate prayer will likely be part of the service. There may be time for everyone to pray at once out loud, or for corporate silent prayer, or for repeating written prayers in unison. All of these have value if they are from your heart. Participate as much as you are comfortable, and ask God to meet you where you are. Don’t compare yourself to others, but instead simply enjoy being in a community with people who share your faith.Intercede for others. Intercession is a term that refers to praying for other people.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  In the great quietness of these winter evenings there is one clock: the sea. Its dim momentum in the mind is the fugue upon which this writing is made. Empty cadences of sea-water licking its own wounds, sulking along the mouths of the delta, boiling upon those deserted beaches — empty, forever empty under the gulls: white scribble on the grey, munched by clouds. If there are ever sails here they die before the land shadows them. Wreckage washed up on the pediments of islands, the last crust, eroded by the weather, stuck in the blue maw of water … gone! * * * * * Apart from the wrinkled old peasant who comes from the village on her mule each day to clean the house, the child and I are quite alone. It is happy and active amid unfamiliar surroundings. I have not named it yet. Of course it will be Justine — who else? As for me I am neither happy nor unhappy; I lie suspended like a hair or a feather in the cloudy mixtures of memory. I spoke of the uselessness of art but added nothing truthful about its consolations. The solace of such work as I do with brain and heart lies in this — that only there, in the silences of the painter or the writer can reality be reordered, reworked and made to show its significant side. Our common actions in reality are simply the sackcloth covering which hides the cloth-of-gold — the meaning of the pattern. For us artists there waits the joyous compromise through art with all that wounded or defeated us in daily life; in this way, not to evade destiny, as the ordinary people try to do, but to fulfil it in its true potential — the imagination. Otherwise why should we hurt one another? No, the remission I am seeking, and will be granted perhaps, is not one I shall ever see in the bright friendly eyes of Melissa or the sombre brow-dark gaze of Justine. We have all of us taken different paths now; but in this, the first great fragmentation of my maturity, I feel the confines of my art and my living deepened immeasurably by the memory of them. In thought I achieve them anew; as if only here — this wooden table over the sea under an olive tree, only here can I enrich them as they deserve. So that the taste of this writing should have taken something from its living subjects — their breath, skin, voices — weaving them into the supple tissues of human memory. I want them to live again to the point where pain becomes art.… Perhaps this is a useless attempt, I cannot say. But I must try.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  But there were other times too: those sun-tormented afternoons — ‘honey-sweating,’ as Pombal called them — when we lay together bemused by the silence, watching the yellow curtains breathing tenderly against the light — the quiet respirations of the wind off Mareotis which matched our own. Then she might rise and consult the clock after giving it a shake and listening to it intently: sit naked at the dressing-table to light a cigarette — looking so young and pretty, with her slender arm raised to show the cheap bracelet I had given her. (‘Yes, I am looking at myself, but it helps me to think about you.’) And turning aside from this fragile mirror-worship she would swiftly cross to the ugly scullery which was my only bath-room, and standing at the dirty iron sink would wash herself with deft swift movements, gasping at the coldness of the water, while I lay inhaling the warmth and sweetness of the pillow upon which her dark head had been resting: watching the long bereft Greek face, with its sane pointed nose and candid eyes, the satiny skin that is given only to the thymus-dominated, the mole upon her slender stalk of the neck. These are the moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory, like wonderful creatures, unique of their kind, dredged up from the floors of some unexplored ocean. * * * * * Thinking of that summer when Pombal decided to let his flat to Pursewarden, much to my annoyance. I disliked this literary figure for the contrast he offered to his own work — poetry and prose of real grace. I did not know him well but he was financially successful as a novelist which made me envious, and through years of becoming social practice had developed a sort of savoir faire which I felt should never become part of my own equipment. He was clever, tallish and blond and gave the impression of a young man lying becalmed in his mother. I cannot say that he was not kind or good, for he was both — but the inconvenience of living in the flat with someone I did not like was galling. However it would have involved greater inconvenience to move so I accepted the box-room at the end of the corridor at a reduced rent, and did my washing in the grimy little scullery.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Then I remembered a story in the Bible where Jesus went off to pray, which was a habit of His as well. I doubt He had coffee, but He was God, so He could stay awake without caffeine. He would be gone before His disciples woke up sometimes. Often nobody could find Him—neither the disciples nor the crowds —because He was wandering the hills or some nearby olive orchard, just praying. On this occasion, when Jesus finished praying, His disciples were waiting for Him. There was something about His prayer life that captivated them. There was a massive difference between Jesus’ private, authentic walk with God and the public, all-for-show prayers that often characterized the religious leaders of the day. I think they wanted the same peace, passion, and power they saw in their Lord, and they realized that His prayer life was the catalyst for all of that. It was the secret sauce, the missing ingredient—and they wanted to know more. When Jesus walked up to the group, one of them blurted out what they were all thinking: “Lord, teach us to pray” (Luke 11:1). Frequently, when people asked Jesus a question or tried to get an easy rule to follow, He would reply with another question or with a parable. He wasn’t being difficult, but rather requiring them to engage with the topic and explore it more in depth—not settle for superficial answers. Jesus could have responded that way. He could have said, “Just do it. Learn as you go,” or, “Study the Scriptures and figure it out for yourself.” But He didn’t. He didn’t roll His eyes or dodge their question. I think their hunger to pray thrilled His heart. So Jesus taught them to pray. Think about that. Jesus, the perfect, divine teacher, put whatever plans He had on hold for that day just so He could teach His crew how to do what He did best: pray. He gave them a simple, specific prayer. We call it the Lord’s Prayer, but it was more than an empty formula to recite. It was a sample prayer. A template to follow. A starter pack for prayer newbies, if you will.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  It might be true. But it might be false. Or, as is often the case, it might be a mixture of the two. The Bible, on the other hand, is completely accurate. We don’t have to worry about whether it’s right or wrong. It might be a challenge to understand or to obey at times, but it’s trustworthy. That means we can and must compare what we think we hear with His Word. If it matches, then we have greater confidence that we are hearing correctly. If it doesn’t, then we need to let it go. It doesn’t matter how many people, signs, dreams, or voices tell you that you can cheat on your taxes, cheat on your spouse, or slash your cranky neighbor’s tires—that’s not God. He won’t lead you to do something that contradicts His will and His character revealed in the Bible. 2. God’s voice brings peace. Sometimes that’s an immediate peace: a stillness, calmness, sense of well-being. Other times it pushes us toward something difficult—such as apologizing to a person we’ve hurt—that brings peace once we’ve obeyed. If the voice you’re hearing leads to real peace, it’s likely from God. If it brings confusion and chaos, it probably isn’t Him at all. The Bible calls God “The Lord of peace,” and peace should be a hallmark of our relationship with Him (2 Thessalonians 3:16; 1 Corinthians 14:33). If you are evaluating different options in a particular decision, ask yourself: What brings me the most peace? What decision will produce God’s peace in the long run? 3. God’s voice is usually quiet. It’s easy to miss if you’re not listening. That means we need to be intentional about listening to God. Quieting our lives. Pausing our schedule regularly. Even slowing down our “normal” so that there are spaces built into every day to be still and listen. God made this point to the prophet Elijah in dramatic fashion in 1 Kings 19:11–13. Elijah had just won a spectacular victory against the idolatrous Baal-worship that Israel was captivated by and had earned the enmity of the queen as a result. Her threats scared him so badly that he fled into the wilderness. He was exhausted, distressed, and scared, and he was desperate to hear from God. So God responded. Look at how He made himself known to Elijah. The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LO R D , for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LO R D , but the LO R D was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LO R D was not in the earthquake.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  (Proverbs 3:5–6) I am at peace.“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” (Isaiah 26:3 NLT ) I am set free by the truth.“Jesus said, ‘If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. . . . So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’” (John 8:31–32, 36) I can hear God’s voice.“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27) I am a friend of God.“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15) I am chosen by God to bear fruit.“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.” (John 15:16) I am righteous.“Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 5:1 NET ) I am free from condemnation.“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) I know everything is working together for my good.“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) I am more than a conqueror through God’s love.“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37–39) I am accepted.“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7) I am stronger than sin or temptation.“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

• From The Fermata (1994)

  It wasn’t a question of distinct “positions” but of—I don’t know—crystals grown in slightly different concentrations of a reagent, or grown in the presence of one or more trace impurities, or grown while subjected to faintly stronger or weaker gravitational fields. And we did even from time to time try new things , in the textbook sexual sense. I cut an unpeeled avocado in half one Sunday, along its poles, and pulled it apart so that one half held the blunt, slimy seed. Though not a devotee of food-sex mixtures as a general rule (not whipped cream, not peanut butter, not champagne), I do think avocado flesh is so extremely similar in its slippery bland softness to the labial rheology that it makes sense for a woman to cup half of one in her hand and press it against herself so that the big nub of the seed noses at her natcho. Rhody seemed to like it, and I was gung-ho, too—but while I was testing out our new guacamole recipe I had the further idea of cutting a small hole in the avocado skin and stuffing Rhody’s electric toothbrush at an angle into the fresh flesh so that the brush head was buried somewhere near the seed. That was how she good-naturedly came, in fact, and came big, holding the humming toothbrush-driven avocado-half between her legs while I played with the wisps of hair at the nape of her neck. I record this here in passing so that I won’t seem, with all of my somewhat aberrant sneaking and skulking in the Cleft, totally devoid of more typical sexual instincts. And just what would other people think of the Fermata? What would they do if they were me? Although I have up to now been able to keep my powers a strict secret, I have gone through periods when I have been eager to get some idea of what others would do in my place. I am superstitious, though, about describing what actually goes on—fearing, even when I put it hypothetically, that if I conjure up the possibility in too complete detail for someone else it will no longer be my secret and hence my temporal competence will leave me forever—so superstitious in fact that I often instead ask about ideas in the neighborhood of my secret, such as what a person would do if he had X-ray vision. What would he look at if he had X-ray vision? I had an interesting talk with a man named Bill Asplundh about this. Bill is one of the few truly fast-typing non-gay temps I have run across—he types much faster than I do. He drifted into temping while working on a master’s in something or other, as I did, and now he genuinely likes it. We were at a Chinese restaurant one time when I asked him what he would look at if he had X-ray vision.

• From The Spiral Staircase: My Climb Out of Darkness (2004)

  “Karen,” he growled, “if you have something to say, say it! If not, sheket!” The last word clearly meant “Shut up!” I looked back at Joel inquiringly, surprised to find that I did not feel at all offended. Joel grinned. “You are not in England now!”—a phrase that would often fall from his lips during the coming months. “There is no need to be a polite lady here in Israel. We are not formal people. There is no point to speak if there is nothing to say.” Curiously, I found this liberating. After years of deference and formality, it was strangely peaceful to abandon these codes of politeness, at least for a while. I was quite content to sit in the car and gaze enthralled at the biblical scenery without having to think of stimulating topics of conversation. For the first two days of my stay, the weather was cold. It didn’t snow, after all, but there was a sharp wind and a sleety rain. But even though this didn’t fit my expectation of sun-baked deserts, the sense of walking in an already familiar landscape persisted. It was like stepping into a myth. Here were the places I had struggled to imagine during all those meditations: the Garden of Gethsemane, the Via Dolorosa, and Ein Karim, the home of John the Baptist. Jesus had probably walked up those steps leading to the temple mount. He had certainly walked right here beside the Sea of Galilee. This was the best sightseeing I had ever done in my life. I was not simply letting the sights and sounds of the Holy Land sweep past me in an impressive panorama, but was in search of Jesus and Paul, trying to fit my thoughts and ideas with the landscape and the convoluted history of its famous sites. In the process, these holy places entered my mind and heart in a way that they had never done when I had tried to re-create them in the “composition of place” during meditation. I could understand why so many people felt possessive about the Holy Land. I was beginning to feel that it was mine, too.

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  236 A THEOLOGY FOR THE SOCIAL GOSPEL was to develop our capacity for love and our sense of solidarity and responsibility. Is this training to go for nothing in heaven, or is this present life the real prepa- ration forthe kind oflife we are to live there, and the basis for promotion and growth? If the future life is to be the consummation of all that is good anddivine here, it mustoffer fellowship with God and man. This is the point to be insisted on in our popular teaching, and not the painlessness and the eternal rest. 9. And how about labour and service? Is not our heaven too much a heaven of idleness? It looks as if it had beenconceived by oppressed and exploited people who regarded labour as a curse and wanted a rest more than anything else. The social gospel wants to see all men onearth at productive work, but none doing too much of it It carries that expectation into the idea of heaven. Dr. William N. Clarke, who was amost loving heart andhad no child of his own, makes the point in his "Outline of Christian Theology" (pp. 4i9~ 2 ) that athird part of humanity dies in childhood, with undeveloped personality. "This significant fact has never yet been admitted to the popular thought ofthe future life, or exerted its due influence in theology." If these youthful spirits are to grow and develop, they must live a life of free and responsible action. If the children in heaven need education and care, " oppor- tunities of usefulness and help must open in inexhaustible abundance to those who are farther advanced in holy experience, and the heavenly life must be intensely active and interesting." Dr. Clarke thought thiswas " a vast enrichment of our ideas of the other world."

• From The Fermata (1994)

  The waiter appeared shortly after with our entrees. “The plates are very hot,” he said importantly, holding them with a cloth. We had been gone for no more than five minutes; nobody had missed us. Joyce and I talked for another hour, and we drank some more and then had some coffee, and then I walked her home and kissed her good-night at her door. The Fermata 18 M Y FINGER-SNAPPING PHASE IS NOW OVER, MY FOLD- POWERS are currently gone. I assume I’ll get them back sooner or later, but I’m never sure. What happened, as far as I can piece it together, is that one night, when Joyce and I were having sex, I unknowingly transferred all my fermational proficiencies to her . I had jokingly trotted out the penis pump and the Goddess Athena vibrator with the clit-stimulating fork-flamed torch of wisdom and told her that I’d bought them with her in mind, before we’d started going out. “I’m not a big vibrator person,” Joyce warned. But she did pump enthusiastically away at my penis with the penis pump, sucking it up into the clear plastic vacuum chamber and watching its veins pop out. When my penis had had more than enough of that treatment, I pulled it out and substituted the Athena vibrator in its place. Joyce and I then pumped the vibrator with the penis pump for a while, sucking it in as far as it would go. And finally, after some cajoling, Joyce turned on the Athena vibrator and slipped it inside herself. The fork-flamed torch of wisdom took her polytheistic clit to new heights. But what we didn’t realize at the time was that the penis pump had somehow sucked all of my temporal powers out of me. Then, when the Athena vibrator went into the penis pump, the same powers were apparently transferred to it, and when the Athena vibrator muttered its way deep into Joyce, the powers entered her. As a result, the next time I snapped my fingers, nothing at all happened—or rather, everything kept on happening. But the next time Joyce clicked on the switch of her Athena vibrator, time dutifully halted for her. I find I don’t miss the Fold too terribly much at present. My self-discipline has improved. I’m still temping, but I’ve begun going over some of the notes for my master’s thesis. (It’s a history of Dover Books.) Joyce, meanwhile, is having a good time.

• From Wild (2012)

  It was all unknown to me then, as I sat on that white bench on the day I finished my hike. Everything except the fact that I didn’t have to know. That it was enough to trust that what I’d done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was, like all those lines from The Dream of a Common Language that had run through my nights and days. To believe that I didn’t need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life—like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was, to let it be. ACKNOWLEDGMENTSMiigwech is an Ojibwe word I often heard growing up in northern Minnesota, and I feel compelled to use it here. It means thank you, but more—its meaning imbued with humility as well as gratitude. That’s how I feel when I think about trying to thank all of the people who helped me make this book: humbled as well as grateful. It is to my husband, Brian Lindstrom, that I owe my deepest miigwech, for he has loved me beyond measure, in both my writing and my life. Thank you, Brian. I’m indebted to the Oregon Arts Commission, the Regional Arts and Culture Council, and Literary Arts for providing me with funding and support while I wrote this book and also throughout my career; to Greg Netzer and Larry Colton of the Wordstock Festival for always inviting me to the show; and to the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference and the Sewanee Writers’ Conference for giving me meaningful support along the way. I wrote most of this book while sitting at my dining room table, but crucial chapters were written away from home. I’m grateful to Soapstone for the residencies they provided me, and especially to Ruth Gundle, the former director of Soapstone, who was particularly generous to me in the early stages of this book. A profound thank you to Sally and Con Fitzgerald, who hosted me so graciously while I wrote the final chapters of Wild in their beautiful, silent “wee house” in Oregon’s Warner Valley. Thanks also to the incomparable Jane O’Keefe, who made my time in the Warner Valley possible, and both loaned me her car and did my grocery shopping. Thank you to my agent, Janet Silver, and also to her colleagues at the Zachary Shuster Harmsworth Agency. Janet, you are my friend, champion, and literary kindred spirit. I will always be grateful to you for your support, smarts, and love.

• From The Spiral Staircase: My Climb Out of Darkness (2004)

  I walked into the kitchen one afternoon to find Herbert and two philosophers sitting solemnly in front of Mariella’s dishwasher, which one of them had tried to repair, contemplating it with the same kind of rapt attention as I had bestowed upon the moon the night before. “It has just completed its second cycle,” Herbert informed me with wonder in his voice. That was also the year when Charlie arrived one afternoon with a grand piano, which he had picked up cheap. The entire household had turned out to propel the piano up the steep winding path on a rolling sequence of broom handles, until we managed to manhandle it into the hall. For the rest of his visit, Charlie and Jenifer played pieces for two pianos together—he flamboyant on the grand, she lean, intense, and dry on the old upright—calling encouragement to each other above the Mozart and Beethoven. Exotic as my life with the Harts often was and different from anything I had ever known before, there was much that was reassuringly familiar. Jenifer’s frugality made her as stringent about economy as any of my former superiors. We were not allowed to vacuum the carpets or wash our sheets too frequently, lest we wear them out. She was adamantly opposed to the newly repaired dishwasher—“a ludicrous waste of water!”—and there were constant arguments about the electric fire in the drawing room, a miserable little contraption, which should probably have been banned for safety reasons rather than for the pathetic amount of power that it splutteringly consumed on its three ancient bars. “You had the fire on this morning, Herbert, just because it was a little chilly! There is absolutely no need for such waste! If you want a fire, there’s plenty of wood and—” “The same discussion”—Herbert had beamed around the table, quite unabashed—“is probably going on at this moment in boardinghouses in Worthing.” And so, in a way, I felt quite at home. Asceticism was certainly central to the whole Lamledra experience. Every morning after breakfast, the guests were frog-marched by Jenifer with spades and matchets to do battle with the ubiquitous nettles and thistles in the grounds. Nobody was excused from this forced labor, unless they had a physical disability or an article to write. “There goes the chain gang!” Herbert would murmur gleefully as he left the breakfast table for his room, resolutely refusing to take part. I too was exempt from the corvée, since I had housework to do.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  If He nudges you to make a change in some area, ask for His help and then do it. If He challenges you to take a risk, obey in faith. You can’t expect God to continue speaking to you if you’re ignoring the things He’s already said. Healthy relationships don’t work that way. You won’t always get it right—the listening or the obeying. None of us does. But if your heart is to hear and obey God, He will honor that. That’s the essence of prayer, after all: our hearts drawing closer to God’s heart. Hearing from God is a learning process. It’s a life-long journey. And it’s a wonderful one, full of surprises and treasures and hidden delight. Get to know God. Listen. He is speaking. Start and end with prayerIn this hectic, random, noisy life, peace is not an impossible dream. It’s a promise. It’s a gift from God, one we both long for and desperately need. I’m not talking about the peace that comes from having everything figured out and under control, but the peace that descends from heaven itself. The peace of God that passes understanding. The peace we experience when we cast our cares upon the one who cares for us. It’s a peace that starts and ends with prayer. Are you worried about everything because you pray about nothing? It’s time to flip the script. Be worried for nothing because you pray about everything . That’s the lifestyle of peace and joy that God is calling you into through prayer. It’s your future as a child of God. Jesus says, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me” (Revelation 3:20). Sometimes people use that verse to describe salvation, but the words were actually written to believers. Jesus wants to be with us. Not as a judge putting us on trial, or a boss doing an employee review, or an emperor berating a servant. As a friend . Jesus wants to stroll through the door of our hearts, sit down next to us with the drink of His choice, and just hang out. He wants to hear what’s on our hearts and minds. He wants us to express what is worrying us or inspiring us or challenging us. And He wants to share with us the peace, perspective, and power of God. I know we’ve just spent a couple hundred pages doing a deep dive into the intricacies of prayer, but the bottom line is that prayer is not hard. It’s natural. It flows unforced from authentic relationship. You can’t really “do it wrong,” and you can’t be “bad at it.”

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  In the tubMaking love in the bathroom gives you plenty of privacy, unlike some other locations around your home, and slipping into a hot bath may be just the relaxing setting you are searching for. Your skin will feel sexily clean. Tubs come in different shapes and sizes, so beware of causing a flood if yours is filled to the brim and you both get in at the same time. Then you can have the discussion about who gets the “faucet end.” Of course, if you are lucky enough to own a circular or larger-than-average bath, you may not experience this problem. Run the water nice and warm, and add a little of your favorite pampering bubble bath or foam. Arrange some seductive lighting around the room—tea candles, perhaps—then light some aromatherapy burners for a complete sensory experience. [image file=image_rsrc3CX.jpg] Standing room onlyThis is a great position if you and your man like spicing up doing the dishes but aren’t in the mood for a workout. Lean against the countertop as your partner stands behind to enter you. This creates the sensation of him holding you. Push your bottom out, then slowly swivel and gyrate your hips against his pelvis as he penetrates. If you are feeling more energetic, you can turn around and plant your bottom on the edge of the kitchen counter. You don’t need to remove all your clothes, so it’s great for a quickie before your dinner guests arrive. If your sink is in front of a window, don’t forget to smile sweetly at your neighbors or passers-by as you reach orgasm. [image file=image_rsrc3CY.jpg] Very Erotic, Non-insertive Sex (VENIS)There is nothing more intimate than a night of very erotic, noninsertive sex, casually referred to as VENIS. VENIS requires that you get creative with your lovemaking and substitute other erotic activities for penetration. Try naked back rubs, wrestling, bathing or eating food off each other, or sharing fantasies. Include oral and manual sex for added sensual contact. Be a glutton and try everything in one night, or have a weekend of VENIS love. VENIS was created to remind couples that sex should be fun, playful, and intimacy-enhancing. You don’t need to have an orgasm, and a session of VENIS will help you and your man luxuriate in each other’s touch without feeling too rushed or goal-oriented. Bare massageTurn up the heat, strip off, and straddle him. Use a little warmed oil to massage his back and buttocks—he will love being rubbed by you, and the feeling of your naked genitals on the backs of his thighs.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  You might be in the mood for sex but find your changing shape means your favorite position is uncomfortable. Most couples find that side-by-side positions are perfect since they keep the weight off the woman’s belly and allow her to control the thrusting. Woman-on-top positions are also comfortable and sexy—particularly if your partner is turned on by your peach-or pear-shaped belly. The only positions to avoid are ones that put you flat on your back, as this decreases your blood circulation and poses a risk to your baby. Your baby may sometimes respond to your orgasm by waking up and kicking, or be lulled to sleep by the motions of your lovemaking. Both reactions are normal but—as always—report any significant or prolonged changes in your baby’s activity to your doctor or midwife promptly. As D-day approaches, take advantage of your time alone before the little bundle arrives. You might not have the opportunity—or energy—for spontaneous sex for quite some time. [image file=image_rsrc3DW.jpg] Sex During MenopauseMen and women sometimes struggle to maintain a happy, healthy sex life during the so-called “change of life.” Menopause and andropause (male menopause) can disrupt your hormones, mood, libido, and relationship—changes for which many couples are not prepared. Physical changes often coincide with emotional upheavals, such as your children leaving home, retirement, and concerns about aging, adding to your burden. However, surviving this difficult time with your sex life strong and intact is possible. Menopausal symptomsThe menopause is the natural stopping of a woman’s monthly periods. The drop in hormones that comes with it brings many unpleasant symptoms—hot flashes, insomnia, weight gain, mood swings, and vaginal dryness, to name just a few—which can create low libido and negatively affect a women’s sexual enjoyment. Fortunately, all of these symptoms can be treated. Simple home remediesThe depletion of estrogen can throw your sleeping habits out of whack, and you will feel the effects of it in all areas of your life, including your sex life. To overcome this, practice good nocturnal habits. Go to bed at the same time every night and wake at the same time every morning, including on the weekends. This keeps your body’s natural rhythm intact. Try herbal remedies such as chamomile tea before bed, or spraying lavender water on your pillow at night. More than 75 percent of women suffer from hot flashes during menopause. Hot flashes occur when a dip in estrogen levels causes stellate ganglion nerves—the part of the brain responsible for body temperature regulation—to work overtime. Although there is no cure, they can be treated with a few behavioral remedies, which will help you get back in the mood for sex.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  Sitting in my sister’s living room on her brown leather couch that smelled vaguely of cat piss, we stared at the motherbox between us. She said, “You wanna open it?” “Sure,” I said. Then I examined the edges more closely, and I jammed my fingernails into the joints, and saw that there wasn’t a clear way to do it. So I said, “Do you have a knife?” My sister left the room, went into the kitchen, and came back with a butter knife. I stared at it in her hand. Then I took it and tried to pry my box of mother open. No luck. “You have a flathead screwdriver?” I said. “I think so,” she said, and went off in the direction of her garage. “And a hammer,” I yelled after her. I put the box on the living room floor. My sister knelt next to me. “Hold the bottom of it,” I said. “Don’t hit me with the hammer,” she said. “Move your head,” I said. I placed the flathead screwdriver at the line where the box edges joined, and then I whacked it with the hammer. The box shot across their hardwood floor. “Look at it go!” Came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Then we both nearly died laughing, rolling on the floor like kids. I swear to god we tried everything to get that goddamn motherbox open. At one point I even dropped it from the roof of her deck hoping it would sort of break open, but no. I briefly considered running over it with the car. There was no way into the motherbox of ash. After I left, my sister told me she buried it in her backyard, but I visited her a month later and saw it in the back of her mini-coop with all her life shit and dog hair and car crap. I never confronted her about the lie. But I never saw the box again after that, either. It could be in the ground in her backyard. Or it could be someplace else. I can still see my mother sitting in her car as I’d come out of swim practice as a kid. The heater running. Whatever else she was, she was there. Morning. I’m sitting in my car waiting for them to unlock the doors of the swimming pool. They open, and I enter. I shed my clothes. The water is the color of my eyes. The chlorine smell is more familiar than anything I have ever known. When I dive in, all sound, all weight, all thought leaves. I am a body in water. Again. Mother, rest. I am home. Wisdom is a Motherfucker YOU DIDN1T ACTUALLY THINK I WAS GOING TO LEAVE you inside marriage and family in the regular way, did you? Listen, I love my family. Like gonzo. And it’s true enough Andy and Miles have pretty much rebirthed me. And yeah. I’m married. With family.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Nonerotic touchIf touch has become overlaid with confusing or negative messages, couples should establish a time for nonerotic cuddling, and then set the boundaries clearly. Regular touch will naturally increase intimacy, which may balance out your sexual needs; he will be more satisfied and you may want sex more often. Making nonerotic touch an everyday part of your relationship—playing with your partner’s hair, for example, or tickling their back—can get your relationship back on track, and help create an environment in which erotic touch can be reborn. This is especially true if you touch without sexual pressure or expectation—as with kissing, touching outside of the bounds of foreplay can be a powerful libido enhancer. Even if you’re not experiencing mismatched libidos, don’t lose the sense of touch in your relationship. Find simple, sexy, and satisfying ways to connect physically throughout the day and night, then start using touch to enhance your erotic relationship, too. Hellos and goodbyesStart with a good-morning cuddle. If your schedules are different or neither of you are morning people, implement touch in a slightly different way. Greet your man from the shower with a fluffy towel straight from the dryer. He’ll associate the warmth and softness of the towel with your soft embrace. Before you leave for work in the morning, don’t just throw a peck on your partner’s cheek as you run to the car. Take one minute out of your busy schedule to set an affectionate, loving tone for the rest of the day. Wrap your arms around him and plant a kiss on his lips. It will have you thinking of each other all day long. Wrestle for itRemember back in school, when flirting meant playfully punching the boy you liked? Or when the kid who had a crush on you would pull your hair and run away? These silly, flirtatious moves often end as you move into adulthood, but a few competitive caresses can bring a little fun and sassiness back into your relationship. The next time your man crawls into bed and tries to steal all the covers, don’t just whine about it—roll over and attack him with a little erotic wrestling. Rolling and play-fighting under the covers can be highly sexual, especially if you are nude. Even if you are fully clothed, wrestling can be a powerful libido enhancer. The next time you’re arguing over who controls the television remote, challenge him to an arm-wrestling match to settle the issue. Any activity that increases your heart rate and gets you into physical contact will be good for your sex life.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13) 15. I am part of the body of Christ. “Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” (1 Corinthians 12:27) 16. I live by faith, and Jesus lives in me. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20) 17. I am blessed. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” (Ephesians 1:3) 18. I am redeemed and forgiven. “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.” (Ephesians 1:7) 19. I am God’s handiwork, created to do good. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) 20. I know God will finish the work He started in me. “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) 21. I am provided for by God. “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19) 22. I am powerful, loving, and self-disciplined. “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) 23. I have full access to the throne of grace. “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16) 24. I am a child of God. “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1)