Shame

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  TURNING AGAINST ONESELFInstead of being nurtured and protected by those they depend upon for survival, many children are treated with indifference or contempt. All forms of neglect and abuse have similar effects. One of its most devastating subconscious legacies is a tendency for the child to assume that he or she deserves to be treated badly. Such a conclusion is clearly not based on adult logic. Yet most children will readily sacrifice their own self-esteem to justify their parents’ attitudes and behaviors toward them. More often than not, abused kids interpret their mistreatment as proof that they are fundamentally and irreparably flawed. They feel a profound loyalty to their abusers and consequently absorb intensely negative beliefs at the deepest possible level. Some become harshly self-critical and perfectionistic, forever gathering evidence of their shortcomings. Others are obsessed with winning approval by trying to please everyone. Some become superachievers, but no matter how much they accomplish, the inner conviction of worthlessness holds firm. More than a few are determined to demonstrate, over and over, the accuracy of their negative core beliefs by behaving in ways that invite the very things that have been most hurtful: punishment, rejection, and defeat. When negative core beliefs conflict with the erotic mind’s search for validation, the self—wanting to express its potential, yet convinced of its unworthiness—is torn by a profound inner struggle. Some people manage this conflict by allowing themselves to thrive in one or two areas, while acting out their self-contempt in others. I’ve known some people who were their most self-affirming in the erotic realm. They enjoyed a rewarding sexual life but deprived themselves of most other satisfactions. Such people are exceptions, however, because eroticism is particularly sensitive to the damaging effects of self-hate. It’s not unusual for a person’s capacity for enjoyment to break down completely under the crushing weight of this relentless inner conflict. In most cases self-hatred doesn’t obliterate one’s sexual impulses. Instead the erotic mind rises to the task of devising indirect routes to self-affirmation. A person’s CET can meet this challenge in many ways, but there are two fundamental strategies. In the first, the self-hater becomes the master of his or her suffering by actively seeking out and choreographing sexual situations that are ultimately demeaning. The second strategy also creates an illusion of control when the self-hater inflicts on others indignities similar to those he or she has suffered; the victim becomes the victimizer. In my experience, CETs driven by self-hatred usually combine elements of both strategies in a frenetic search for validation. Regina: Wounded seductress

• From Fields of Blood: Religion and the History of Violence (2014)

  Advani never made it to Ayodhya, because he was arrested on October 23, 1990, but thousands of Hindu nationalists from every region of India had already assembled at the site to begin the mosque’s demolition. Scores of them were shot down by the police and hailed as martyrs, and Hindu-Muslim riots exploded throughout the country. The Babri mosque was finally dismantled in December 1992, while the press and army stood by and watched. For Muslims, its brutal destruction evoked the horrifying specter of Islam’s annihilation in the subcontinent. There were more riots, the most notorious being a Muslim attack on a train conveying Hindu pilgrims to Ayodhya, which was avenged by a massacre of Muslims in Gujarat. Like the Islamists, Hindu nationalists are lured by the prospect of rebuilding a glorious civilization, one that will revive the splendors of India before the Muslims’ arrival. They have convinced themselves that their path to this utopian future is blocked by the relics of Moghul civilization, which have wounded the body of Mother India. Countless Hindus experienced the demolition of the Babri mosque as a liberation from “slavery”; but others argue that the process is far from complete and dream of erasing the great mosques at Mathura and Varanasi. 68 Many other Hindus, however, were religiously appalled by the Ayodhya tragedy, so this iconoclasm cannot be traced to a violence inherent in “Hinduism,” which has, of course, no single essence, either for or against violence. Rather, Hindu mythology and devotion had blended with the passions of secular nationalism—especially its inability to countenance minorities. All this meant that the new Ram temple had become a symbol of a liberated India. The emotions involved were memorably expressed in a speech by the revered renouncer Rithambra at Hyderabad in April 1991, which she delivered in the mesmerizing rhymed couplets of Indian epic poetry. The temple would not be a mere building; nor was Ayodhya important simply because it was Ram’s birthplace: “The Ram temple is our honor. It is our self-esteem. It is the image of Hindu unity ... We shall build the temple!” Ram was “the representation of mass-consciousness”; he was the god of the lowest castes—the fishermen, cobblers, and washermen. 69 Hindus were in mourning for the dignity, self-esteem, and Hindutva, the Hindu identity, that they had lost. But this new Hindu identity could be reconstructed only by the destruction of the antithetical “other.” The Muslim was the obverse of the tolerant, benign Hindu: fanatically intolerant, a destroyer of shrines, and an arch-tyrant.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  This fantasy has always given me such a thrill because it’s a secret me that hardly anyone sees. I take after my mom who’s always worried what others think. She’s so uptight. But I was a sexy girl, always very interested in naked bodies. I knew by her complete silence on the subject that Mom hated sex. I had no choice but to adopt her demeanor. On the surface I gave in to her by becoming the perfect child. But I wasn’t about to let her de-sex me! In my fantasies I’m as wild as I want to be. Unfortunately, I wish I could be more that way with my husband. I like sex with him but I’m rather inhibited much of the time. But if it weren’t for my fantasies I’d probably be as asexual as my mom. Felicia understands the role of her CET: to act out without reservation the eroticism that she suppressed in deference to her mother. Her CET both expresses and solves her predicament as a sexy girl growing up in an antisexual environment. In her secret fantasy life she nurtures erotic vitality while providing an outlet for the repressed aspects of her personality. PORNOGRAPHY, EROTICA, AND YOUR CETWe’ve seen how the CET, as a product of the imagination, is often expressed most clearly in fantasy. It’s not unusual, though, for both men and women to use external stimulation such as sexually explicit stories or pictures to ignite their imaginations. If you enjoy these materials, studying the ones that move you may give you valuable insights into the content of your CET. Visual porn, the most popular kind produced by and for men, is relatively generic in the sense that a succession of sexy acts can serve as erotic cues for a wide range of fantasies. The focus is on raw, unencumbered lust. Toward that end, most male porn makes a point of creating a sleazy atmosphere to set it apart clearly from everyday reality. Also common are variations on themes of dominance and submission, male prowess (symbolized by huge genitals and buckets of semen), and group sex with two or more women, often including sexual interactions between the women—all for the entertainment of the man, of course. But the primary focus is on erogenous zones in states of feverish interaction. Pornography produced by and for women, while not devoid of wanton lust, sleaze, or power scenes, virtually always has a context. There is a lead-in to generate a mood and anchor the characters in at least a minimal relationship, even if coercion or rape will become part of the story. Although women may want their erotica to have a plot, often a romantic one, research has shown that when it comes to producing genital arousal, explicit sex is what turns women on—just as it does men. But women don’t always realize they’re aroused.7

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Compulsive voyeurism, like other paraphilias, is relatively rare. Yet it’s important to keep in mind that millions of men and women are regularly stimulated in nonobsessive ways by the very things that excited Carlos. Who hasn’t been titillated by catching a glimpse of someone undressing or overhearing a sexual discussion or encounter? Most of us are also familiar with the bittersweet thrill of feeling inferior to those who most strongly attract us. And men and women of all sexual orientations, especially males in their teens and twenties, can identify with Carlos’s sexual preoccupation and constant quest for visual stimulation. Carlos’s eroticism was problematic because his negative core beliefs required that he stay in an inferior position. Yet within the self-defeating framework of his CET, Carlos used virtually every known source of arousal, including all four cornerstones of eroticism. The chasm between Carlos and the men he worshipped unleashed a flood of yearning. At the same time, a furtive sense of naughtiness permeated every scene, highlighted by the ever-present risk of discovery and punishment. The entire drama was further energized by a push-pull dance of power. On one hand, Carlos was clearly submissive to the men whose very existence seemed to mock him. Yet following the lead of his masturbation fantasies, primordial images of aggression and conquest helped him turn the tables. If the attention and reciprocation he craved weren’t freely given he would steal them with stealth and cunning. He stalked the men he envied as prey, using them without their consent as pawns in his psychodrama. Finally, a forceful undercurrent of ambivalence toward everyone—himself as well as the men who simultaneously excited and demeaned him—added yet another dimension to an already explosive concoction. The entire scene was infused with plentiful and intense emotions. Some were positive, such as the genuine admiration and appreciation he felt toward the men who represented his ideals of masculinity. Negative emotions included resentment, hostility, fear, guilt, and shame. As Carlos explored his eroticism more deeply, he discovered that revenge was a particularly gratifying aphrodisiac. It was both frightening and exciting to be spotted by the men he stalked. Only if they knew what he was doing could they be made to squirm, as other men in the past had made him squirm. He savored the notion that they felt humiliated when Carlos used them as pawns in his sexual games. One thing Carlos’s eroticism did not allow was the reciprocation of love and affection. He was trapped in the same bind as everyone whose eroticism is built on a foundation of self-hate: anybody who might be attracted to him was, by definition, excluded from the ranks of the desirable. Only those who reinforced his self-contempt were worthy objects of desire.

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  [laughs] -You know, as a Catholic Asian girl growing up, you know, you're told to be modest. I didn't question it. And most people didn't question it. [Alex] So no wonder my family never talked about sex. They had it even worse. The church shamed my grandmother into ignorance about her body and my mom learned modest girls don't ask questions. Well, I think it's time to start asking some questions. For starters, what the fuck, America? -Some of you may become somewhat uncomfortable as parts of this film unfold. But I think if you listen carefully, you will agree that the concepts will contribute to the rearing of a mature person. [warm instrumental music] [Alex] Describe to me what your sex education was like and how well you think it prepared you for sex. -I would say there probably wasn't really much. -I didn't get much sex education throughout high school. -And it was very much abstinence-based. -They just showed you pictures of diseased penises and vagina. -It should be evident the advantages of starting early with explanations to children. [warm instrumental music] [Alex] My first questions were for adolescent psychologist Lisa Medoff. I wanted to know if my upbringing was common, if we're all a little screwed up about sex. So I just sat down with my mom, my grandmother, my dad, and we talked about sex for the first time. It was little uncomfortable, like just trying to get the at like, say the word, like erection for the first time, to talk about, you know, the idea that there wasn't much sexual diversity. And even then when someone comes by, it's very nervous, yeah, to even say the words in public. So I'm wondering, you know, like I feel like it shouldn't be. Like, I feel like I'm crazy. [Lisa] You're definitely not crazy. I think that's what the culture has taught you. [Alex] So would you say then that we do live in a society that wants to repress a lot of sex and sexuality? [Lisa] Oh, absolutely, yes. I think we are a society that is very, very repressed. What we're good at is the external, the superficial, and what that can hide is some of the shame that we have talking one-to-one with partners or with friends about some of the questions we might have, some of our insecurities, some of our desires. [Alex] One thing I do want to get at is, is sexual shame goo? Like, should I feel ashamed about these things? Like, is there a place for it? Is there a healthy level of shame? [Lisa] I'm actually going to turn that question back on you of, do you think that there's a healthy level? Like, what's the purpose of shame? Why did that question occur to you? [Alex] I guess what comes up for me then is like, what if I do have a rape fantasy or like, I don't know, like an incest fantasy or something.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Of the three boys, Nick had the closest relationship with his mother. He shared her passion for literature and music, which his father treated with indifference if not disdain. Also like his mother, Nick responded emotionally rather than with the cool stoicism and logic valued by his father. Nick knew he had an inferiority complex and had obviously put a lot of effort into overcoming it. In the supercompetitive atmosphere of his job, however, he could only see himself as he assumed he appeared to his father—a loser. As a result of our discussions, Nick decided to practice assertiveness experiments at the office and carefully observe his own and other people’s reactions. He made a point of noticing and challenging self-deprecating thoughts and, whenever possible, honoring rather than downplaying his achievements. His efforts appeared to pay off as he began to allow his self-image to depart significantly from the negative core beliefs he internalized long ago. His boss was delighted with the obvious change. Before long, however, Nick’s push toward self-acceptance began to run out of steam. After weeks of steady progress, his enthusiasm for experimentation and growth all but collapsed. He missed therapy sessions and was clearly on the verge of quitting. He looked puzzled and irritated when I explained how common it is for people to resist the very changes they yearn for because they are unconsciously reluctant to defy a disapproving parent. Nick was only vaguely interested. An intuition flashed through my mind completely out of the blue, and I veered off in a new direction. “Sometimes,” I said, surprising Nick and myself, “it’s the sexual implications that frighten people.” He responded with obvious agitation, “What sexual implications?” I proposed that becoming more confident might be having subtle unwanted effects on his sexuality. “Are you saying I need to feel like a wimp to get off?” he asked incredulously. I agreed that something like that was possible but suggested that it might be more a matter of old feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy having become interwoven into his arousal patterns. Perhaps as much to prove me wrong as anything else (he was much more competitive than he realized), Nick engaged anew in therapy. We turned our attention to his sexual life, which we had scarcely touched on before.8 All I knew was that he had been seeing Barbara for about a year and that he felt pretty good about their relationship. But I had no idea what attracted him to Barbara, or anyone else for that matter. Nick revealed the details of his favorite turn-ons slowly and cautiously. With impressive honesty and persistence, Nick discovered that the dramatic themes that stirred his passions did indeed contain strong, yet carefully concealed, links to his boyhood shame about not measuring up.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  But this very neutralization erases the terms in wh ich their moral motivation could be formulated and avowed. So mething similar can be said of the materialism of a Holbach or a Diderot, which of course wa s combined with a form of utilitarianism. In Holb ach's case, the reduction of the moral to the physical, the assimilati on of huma n desire to a kind of gravity, seems to leave no room for st rong evaluation: our self-preservation, our search for satisfaction, engage us and command our actions by unalterable necessity; they englobe and re nder homogeneous al l human striving. But just as clearly, Holbach wants to retain this moral dimension. The great speech of nature in the la st chapter o f his Systeme, from which I've already quoted, makes this clear. Nature promises us, her children, that s he will punish wrongdoing even where the powers of the world d o not. But her punishments consist in part in the shame and r emorse we feel , i n that we become "despicable" in our own eye s, whe n we act against justice or temperance. 28 These reaction s presuppose a moral consciousness, or at least some sense of strong evaluation. Plainly Holbach doesn't think that reason bids us sweep this away altogether , but the monochrome pictu r e of h umanity as p art of the striving of na ture doesn't seem to leave a n y room for it. The problem is that Holbach needs the reductive view as much as he needs morality. His whole strategy against religio n and traditional metaphysics d epen ds on denying the supposed qualitative distinction between human desire and the brute movements of inanim a te n a ture, which are outside the p urview of jud gements of right. And yet he needs just as much a certain hor izon of moral understanding, if this picture of suffering and desiring human nature is going to move us to benevolent action-to relieving the p ain, righting the injustice, rearing the fabric of felici ty -as a noble cause, one that lays a claim on us a s humans.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  Modesty, Shame. Whether there be an instinctive impulse to hide certain parts of the body and certain acts' is perhaps even more open to doubt than whether there be an instinct of cleanliness. Anthropologists have denied it, and in the utter shamelessness of infancy and of many savage tribes have seemed to find a good basis for their views. It must, however, be remembered that infancy proves nothing, and that, as far as sexual modesty goes, the sexual impulse itself works directly against it at times of excitement, and with reference to certain people; and that habits of immodesty contracted with those people may forever afterwards inhibit it any impulse to be modest towards them. This would account for a great deal of actual immodesty, even if an original modest impulse were there. On the other hand, the modest impulse, if it do exist, must be admitted to have a singularly ill-defined sphere of influence, both as regards the presences that call it forth, and as regards the acts to which it leads. Ethnology shows it to have very little backbone of its own, and to follow easily fashion and example. Still, it is hard to see the ubiquity of some sort of tribute to shame, however perverted—as where female modesty consists in covering the face alone, or immodesty in appearing before strangers unpainted—and to believe it to have no impulsive root whatever. Now, what may the impulsive root be? I believe that, for one thing, it is shyness, the feeling of dread that unfamiliar persons, as explained above, may inspire us withal. Such persons are the original stimuli to our modesty.[409] But the actions of modesty are quite different from the actions of shyness. They consist of the restraint of certain bodily functions, and of the covering of certain parts; and why do such particular actions necessarily ensue? That there may be in the human animal, as such, a 'blind' and immediate automatic impulse to such restraints and coverings in respect-inspiring presences is a possibility difficult of actual disproof. But it seems more likely, from the facts, that the actions of modesty are suggested to us in a roundabout way; and that, even more than those of cleanliness, they arise from the application in the second instance to ourselves of judgments primarily passed upon our mates. It is not easy to believe that, even among the nakedest savages, an unusual degree of cynicism and indecency in an individual should not beget a certain degree of contempt, and cheapen him in his neighbor's eyes. Human nature is sufficiently homogeneous for us to be sure that everywhere reserve must inspire some respect, and that persons who suffer every liberty are persons whom others disregard. Not to be like such people, then, would be one of the first resolutions suggested by social self-consciousness to a. child of nature just emerging from the unreflective state. And the resolution would probably acquire effective pungency for the first time when the social self-consciousness was sharpened into a real fit of shyness by some person being present whom it was important not to disgust or displease. Public opinion would of course go on to build its positive precepts upon this germ; and, through a variety of examples and experiences, the ritual of modesty would grow, until it reached the New England pitch of sensitiveness and range, making us say stomach instead of belly, limb instead of leg, retire instead of go to bed, and forbidding us to call a female dog by name.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  Nothing is commoner than the remark that Man differs from lower creatures by the almost total absence of instincts, and the assumption of their work in him by 'reason.' A fruitless discussion might be waged on this point by two theorizers who were careful not to define their terms. 'Reason' might be used, as it often has been, since Kant, not as the mere power of 'inferring,' but also as a name for the tendency to obey impulses of a certain lofty sort, such as duty, or universal ends. And 'instinct ' might have its significance so broadened as to cover all impulses whatever, even the impulse to act from the idea of a distant fact, as well as the impulse to act from a present sensation. Were the word instinct used in this broad way, it would of course be impossible to restrict it, as we began by doing, to actions done with no prevision of an end. We must of course avoid a quarrel about words, and the facts of the case are really tolerably plain. Man has a far greater variety of impulses than any lower animal; and any one of these impulses, taken in itself, is as 'blind' as the lowest instinct can be; but, owing to man's memory, power of reflection, and power of inference, they come each one to be felt by him, after he has once yielded to them and experienced their results, in connection with a foresight of those results. In this condition an impulse acted out may be said to be acted out, in pert at least, for the sake of its results. It is obvious that every instinctive act, in an animal with memory, must cease to be 'blind' after being once repeated , and must be accompanied with foresight of its 'end' just so far as that end may have fallen under the animal's cognizance. An insect that lays her eggs in a place where she never sees them hatched must always do so 'blindly;' but a hen who has already hatched a brood can hardly be assumed to sit with perfect 'blindness' on her second nest. Some expectation of consequences must in every case like this be aroused; and this expectation, according as it is that of something desired or of something disliked, must necessarily either reinforce or inhibit the mere impulse. The hen's idea of the chickens would probably encourage her to sit; a rat's memory, on, the other hand, of a former escape from a trap would neutralize his impulse to take bait from anything that reminded him of that trap. If a boy sees a fat hopping-toad, he probably has incontinently an impulse (especially if with other boys) to smash the creature with a stone, which impulse we may suppose him blindly to obey. But something in the expression of the dying toad's clasped hands suggests the meanness of the act, or reminds him of sayings he has heard about the sufferings of animals being like his own; so that, when next he is tempted by a toad, an idea arises which, far from spurring him again to the torment, prompts kindly actions, and may even make him the toad's champion against less reflecting boys.

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  My personal belief is pornography does a lot more harm than it does good. I think it undermines relationships. I think it makes both men and women feel like they don't quite measure up. I don't believe that pornography is making the world a better place. -But don't you think- -I really don't. -The way I think about it is, where for some people it's an amazing way- -And other people, it's take it or leave it, yeah. -And it enhances relationships. -Yeah. -And in some people it destroys relationships. -Yeah, yeah. -'Cause I will say, I've had relationships where we did enjoy porn and it provided an outlet for us to talk about our fantasies. You know, and it opens up a dialogue. -Yeah. -And it's dependent on the person to know themself well enough to be able to know if porn is good or bad for the. I mean, can you see at least the possibility? -No, I understand and I've- [Alex] That porn could be good for some couples? [Sen. Weiler] I've talked to couples who say, hey, porn is enriching in our sex life. And I'm just telling you my own biases. There's something seriously wrong. [laughs] OK. Now, we may disagree on that. So I'm not anti-sex, I'm not anti-nudity. I actually love to see my wife naked. But the fact that matter is, is I don't think that pornography makes me a better husband. I don't think it makes me a better father. And, and, and... But I don't expect you to have that same bias. I'm not trying to force that belief on you. -All right, and I'll try my best not to enforce mine. But I still feel like I could find porn that maybe will work for you for you and your wife. -Well, yeah. -[laughs] That is my bias. [Alex] Even though we might disagree about the joys of porn I do understand Senator Weiler's concerns. Because if my porn searches were real life, many would be ethically challenged at best and land someone in prison at worst. To get an idea of how screwed up I am, I visited Dr. Laurie Betito. As a sex therapist and syndicated radio host, she's helped thousands of people anxious about their fantasies. -Oftentimes we're taught kind of not to explore our sexuality -To try to increase pleasure, right? The world is hard enough. -Is hard enough, yeah. -We should, the one thing- -Responsible pleasure, right? -Yeah, yeah. -You have to be responsible about it. -I do have a lot of sexual thoughts that I am like, oh, that doesn't seem right. Like, it's a taboo. It's like, I probably have watched a lot of like stepdad porn, you know? -Okay, right. -You know, maybe it's a violent fantasy in real life. I don't think I would want to do it, but I kind of feel aroused by it. You know, should I be ashamed of those thoughts? -They're just thoughts.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  A positive proof of the theory would, on the other hand, be given if we could find a subject absolutely anæsthetic inside and out, but not paralytic, so that emotion-inspiring objects might evoke the usual bodily expressions from him, but who, on being consulted, should say that no subjective emotional affection was felt. Such a man would be like one who, because he eats, appears to bystanders to be hungry, but who afterwards confesses that he had no appetite at all. Cases like this are extremely hard to find. Medical literature contains reports, so far as I know, of but three. In the famous one of Remigius Leins no mention is made by the reporters of his emotional condition. In Dr. G. Winter's case[419] the patient is said to be inert and phlegmatic, but no particular attention, as I learn from Dr. W., was paid to his psychic condition. In the extraordinary case reported by Professor Strumpell (to which I must refer later in another connection)[420] we read that the patient, a shoemaker's apprentice of fifteen, entirely anæsthetic, inside and out, with the exception of one eye and one ear, had shown shame on the occasion of soiling his bed, and grief, when a formerly favorite dish was set before him, at the thought that he could no longer taste its flavor. Dr. Strumpell is also kind enough to inform me that he manifested surprise, fear, and anger on certain occasions. In observing him, however, no such theory as the present one seems to have been thought of; and it always remains possible that, just as he satisfied his natural appetites and necessities in cold blood, with no inward feeling, so his emotional expressions may have been accompanied by a quite cold heart.[421] Any new case which turns up of generalized anæsthesia ought to be carefully examined as to the inward emotional sensibility as distinct from the 'expressions' of emotion which circumstances may bring forth. Objections Considered. Let me now notice a few objections. The replies will make the theory still more plausible. First Objection. There is no real evidence, it may be said, for the assumption that particular perceptions do produce wide-spread bodily effects by a sort of immediate physical influence, antecedent to the arousal of an emotion or emotional idea?

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  But is this so? The facts are just the reverse: the sexual instinct is particularly liable to be checked and modified by slight differences in the individual stimulus, by the inward condition of the agent himself, by habits once acquired, and by the antagonism of contrary impulses operating on the mind. One of these is the ordinary shyness recently described; another is what might be called the anti- sexual instinct, the instinct of personal isolation, the actual repulsiveness to us of the idea of intimate contact with most of the persons we meet, especially those of our own sex. [410] Thus it comes about that this strongest passion of all, so far from being the most 'irresistible,' may, on the contrary, be the hardest one to give rein to and that individuals in whom the inhibiting influences are potent may pass through life and never find an occasion to have it gratified. There could be no better proof of the truth of that proposition with which we began our study of the instinctive life in man, that irregularity of behavior may come as well from the possession of too many instincts as from the lack of any at all. The instinct of personal isolation, of which we have spoken, exists more strongly in men with respect to one another, and more strongly in women with respect to men. In women it is called coyness, and has to be positively overcome by a process of wooing before the sexual instinct inhibits it and takes its place. As Darwin has shown in his book on the 'Descent of Man and Sexual Selection,' it has played a vital part in the amelioration of all higher animal types, and is to a great degree responsible for whatever degree of chastity the human race may show. It illustrates strikingly, however, the law of the inhibition of instincts by habits—for, once broken through with a given person, it is not apt to assert itself again; and habitually broken through, as by prostitutes, with various persons, it may altogether decay.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  'This odd state of mind," says Darwin,[405] " is chiefly recognized by the face reddening, by the eyes being averted or cast down, and by awkward, nervous movements of the body....Shyness seems to depend on sensitiveness to the opinion, whether good or bad, of others, more especially with respect to external appearance. Strangers neither know nor care anything about our conduct or character, but they may, and often do, criticise our appearance....The consciousness of anything peculiar, or even new, in the dress, or any slight blemish on the person, and more especially on the face—points which are likely to attract the attention of strangers—makes the shy intolerably shy.[406] On the other hand, in those cases in which conduct, and not personal appearance, is concerned, we are much more apt to be shy in the presence of acquaintances whose judgment we in some degree value than in that of strangers....Some persons, however, are so sensitive that the mere act of speaking to almost any one is sufficient to rouse their self-consciousness, and a slight blush is the result. Disapprobation...causes shyness and blushing much more readily than does approbation....Persons who are exceedingly shy are rarely shy in the presence of those with whom they are quite familiar, and of whose good opinion and sympathy they are quite assured; for instance, a girl in presence of her mother....Shyness... is closely related to fear; yet it is distinct from fear in the ordinary sense. A shy man dreads the notice of strangers, but can hardly be said to be afraid of them; he may be as bold as a hero in battle, and yet hare no self-confidence about trifles in the presence of strangers. Almost every one is extremely nervous when first addressing a public assembly, and most men remain so through their lives."

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  There's plenty of things that I feel shame around, but I had that bubble around me of like, the way in which my mother just engaged in these topics with me in a way that I think is just much more healthy. And literally, I was looking at an apartment and she was just like, "Oh, the bathroom is too far away. How are you gonna clean yourself off after you have sex?" [laughing] Like, so I grew up in this world where for me, sex has always been something that wasn't shameful. -You know, my sexual learning education came from television, watching HBO late night. [static blares] [warm hum resounds] Like, you know, sneaking into the living room. [upbeat instrumental music] You know, like, God, I hope my mother doesn't find out that I'm watching this stuff. And that was like the first time I was just like, oh, what is she doing? What is she doing to her thing down there? Oh, let me check that out. [laughter] And I was like, oh shit! I was like, that's when I realized I was like, wait, women could have this feeling. And I was probably already in my 20s or like late teens when I figured that out. -I also feel like, especially starting in college being open about talking about masturbation. And all of my friends know the way I masturbate, the positions I masturbate in and like what I do. That's just kind of like common knowledge, wouldn't you say? [group laughing] And I feel like part of that was me being like, hey, men talk about masturbating all the time. And I had so many girlfriends who said, "Oh, I never masturbate, I don't know how." And I had to be like, "A, I don't believe you and you're lying 'cause who hasn't touched themselves?" Like, you have hands, you have a clit. But I felt like it was my responsibility to talk about me masturbating all the time to say, hey, women are sexual beings, too. And like, we masturbate also and make room for this. -And one other thing I also want to answer is this question of like, can you actually have education that prepares you for sex, right? -Good sex education would take away the shame element and talk about communication and desire and what that means, you know, and consent. -It's such a strange time to just leave adolescents alone in their bedrooms because it's of primary importance to them and nobody is helping them figure it out. The thing that I'm learning about sex as an adult is really more than intimacy and how to be intimate with somebody. [Danielle] Yeah. -And that's the thing I don't talk to my friends about. We don't talk about the difference between having sex with someone you love, someone who you just met.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  In Regina both the power and the vulnerability of the human psyche are clear. Her CET was a stroke of genius through which she nurtured a kernel of self-respect. Unfortunately, because her eroticism revolved around the belief that it was her place to be exploited by men, her heroic attempts at self-affirmation continually brought her back to feeling used for sex and then cast aside. But then, with no conscious idea of what she was doing, she had made a suicidal gesture and thus initiated a series of events that ultimately exposed her inner wound and unlocked the healing power of the truth. WERE YOU ABUSED?As you can see, the most profoundly damaging core beliefs develop in response to severe abuse—emotional, physical, or sexual—as a child or adolescent. For healing to begin, it is necessary to piece together the details of exactly what took place, and then to tell the unvarnished truth to at least one other person. Telling one’s story solidifies its reality. Emotional abuse, such as constant demeaning put-downs, is more easily denied than sexual abuse. I’ve known people who were regularly threatened, chastised, or even severely beaten yet believed that these assaults were merely discipline. Growing up in such an environment makes it difficult to know what “normal” is. Some people try to forget about terrible childhoods and move on. They fail to recognize that to move beyond a trauma they must come to terms with it, which is impossible if the facts remain a blur. Once you know what happened and how it affected your beliefs and expectations, you can claim responsibility for your present choices, repair some of the damage to your self-esteem, and learn how to give yourself the respect and nurturance you deserve. There are, however, potential perils involved in letting out memories of past abuse. As memories grow clearer some people become overwhelmed by depression, fear, rage, or despair. For the first time they feel the full impact of the self-loathing that is a byproduct of their mistreatment. Some even become suicidal. That’s why it’s crucial to have the support of friends and loved ones, and perhaps professional assistance as well. Another danger is that the person may find a paradoxical sense of comfort or meaning in the role of victim. More than a few people cling to the belief that they must remain forever helpless and therefore unwittingly perpetuate their own abuse. They continue to suffer needlessly until they realize that victimization is not an identity to be embraced but a harsh legacy to be recalled and overcome.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Your CET begins its long evolution during childhood and is first sketched out in fantasies and daydreams you probably don’t remember. Because these early images almost certainly grew out of impulses and interests considered inappropriate for children, they were veiled in secrecy. Even now you probably still keep certain ultra-personal turn-ons—those that spring from your CET—hidden from other people and quite possibly even from yourself.3 To whatever extent you feel comfortable, take the risk of exploring your CET. Its significance is so vast that even small discoveries about it can be highly revealing and useful. At the most fundamental level, your CET is an amazingly efficient shorthand encapsulating crucial lessons about which people, situations, and images tend to evoke your most forceful genital and psychic responses. The CET, however, is far more than a mere checklist of what and who turns you on. Its extraordinary power arises from the fact that it links today’s compelling turn-ons with crucial challenges and difficulties from your past. Hidden within your CET is a formula for transforming unfinished emotional business from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure. The same peak turn-ons that have already yielded so much information about the inner workings of your eroticism are also rich with clues about your CET. As you ponder an exciting experience, looking beyond the captivating details and thrilling sensations, try to see why these experiences were so exciting. Look closely enough and you’ll undoubtedly find subtle reminders of one or more of your most vexatious problems. Although it may seem illogical that exciting sex should have anything to do with life’s unresolved struggles, one of the most important insights you can have about the erotic mind is that high states of arousal flow from the tension between persistent problems and triumphant solutions. You can enjoy sex without giving any thought to your CET. In most cases the scripts and themes that guide erotic life perform their functions subconsciously. In fact, some people have told me in no uncertain terms that they prefer not to know about the deeper meanings of their hottest turn-ons. I’ve noticed, however, that those who study their CETs consistently develop a new level of respect for their eroticism and a greater ability to understand and influence their sexual choices. This chapter is designed so you can choose the level of awareness that feels most comfortable. You may read it either as an examination of other people’s sexual quirks and eccentricities or as an opportunity to look more closely at your own. I suggest you do both. SEXUAL HEALINGEven though your eroticism subtly reflects the challenges you faced while growing up, when you’re caught up in the thrill of escalating arousal and orgasm you aren’t consciously thinking about these problems; your attention is riveted on the pleasures of the moment. The fact that you are excited shows that your CET is working. After all, the purpose of your CET is to use old wounds and conflicts as aphrodisiacs.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  With a dull serrated kitchen knife, Regina had etched a cross-hatch of jagged cuts on her left arm and wrist. Her roommate found Regina sitting at the kitchen table, still holding the knife, with blood oozing in zigzag trails down to her fingertips and tears streaming down her face. Doctors at the emergency room said she was lucky; the cuts were superficial. Regina insisted that despite appearances she wasn’t really trying to kill herself. Yet she was unable to give an alternative explanation for her behavior. Those who knew her were amazed. A twenty-two-year-old college junior with decent grades, an active social life, and a small circle of close friends, she seemed perfectly normal. But now that the enormity of her unspoken distress was out in the open, she was eager for help. The next day she began individual therapy with me and soon joined a women’s group as well. During our first meeting she stared vacantly into space and spoke in a flat, emotionless voice—not surprising, considering her ordeal of the previous day. What did surprise me was that she was wearing a see-through blouse, and that even in her trancelike state her postures and movements seemed calculated for maximum seductive effect. I learned that Regina’s mother, a nurse who was struggling to put her through college, had caught the first plane to be with her. I also learned that her father had died when she was a little girl, that her mother had remarried when Regina was four, and had divorced her second husband when Regina was a teenager. “What a jerk!” was all she would say about her stepfather, but she declared it with bitter conviction. She was truly dumbfounded by her self-mutilation. She had imagined cutting herself before but never seriously thought she’d go through with it. I explained that hurting oneself physically is often a means of dulling a more severe emotional pain. She nodded but veered off in a new direction. “The strange thing is,” she said, “I’ve been doing pretty good lately. I’m dating this really nice guy who treats me like a lady.” She explained that most of her boyfriends had wanted her only for sex. “Not that I didn’t want it too,” she added, assuming an even more seductive pose. I was being tested. During our next meeting I invited her to use our sessions to discuss whatever was important to her, including sexuality. I emphasized that she and I would only meet during scheduled therapy sessions and never have any form of sexual contact. Almost immediately she shifted to a more natural posture and allowed her eyes to meet mine comfortably for the first time.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  Féré says that certain waking persons of neurotic type, if one repeatedly close and open one's hand before their eyes, soon begin to have corresponding feelings in their own fingers, and presently begin irresistibly to execute the movements which they see. Under these conditions of 'preparation' Dr. Féré found that his subjects could squeeze the hand-dynamometer much more strongly than when abruptly invited to do so. A few passive repetitions of a movement will enable many enfeebled patients to execute it actively with greater strength. These observations beautifully show how the mere quickening of kinæsthetic ideas is equivalent to a certain amount of tension towards discharge in the centres. [481] We know what it is to get out of bed on a freezing morning in a room without a fire, and how the very vital principle within us protests against the ordeal. Probably most persons have lain on certain mornings for an hour at a time unable to brace themselves to the resolve. We think how late we shall be, how the duties of the day will suffer; we say, "I must get up, this is ignominious," etc.; but still the warm couch feels too delicious, the cold outside too cruel, and resolution faints away and postpones itself again and again just as it seemed on the verge of bursting the resistance and passing over into the decisive act. Now how do we ever get up under such circumstances? If I may generalize from my own experience, we more often than not get up without any struggle or decision at all. We suddenly find that we have got up. A fortunate lapse of consciousness occurs; we forget both the warmth and the cold; we fall into some revery connected with the day's life, in the course of which the idea flashes across us, "Hollo! I must lie here no longer"—an idea which at that lucky instant awakens no contradictory or paralyzing suggestions, and consequently produces immediately its appropriate motor effects It was our acute consciousness of both the warmth and the cold during the period of struggle, which paralyzed our activity then and kept our idea of rising in the condition of wish and not of will. The moment these inhibitory ideas ceased, the original idea exerted its effects. This case seems to me to contain in miniature form the data for an entire psychology of volition. It was in fact through mediating on the phenomenon in my own person that I first became convinced of the truth of the doctrine which these pages present, and which I need here illustrate by no farther examples. [482] The reason why that doctrine is not a self-evident truth is that we have so many ideas which do not result in action. But it will be seen that in every such case, without exception, that is because other ideas simultaneously present rob them of their impulsive power.

• From Fields of Blood: Religion and the History of Violence (2014)

  Faraj cited Ibn Taymiyyah’s fatwa against the Mongol rulers, who, just like Sadat, had been Muslims only in name. In the time of al-Shafii, Muslims had feared only an external attack; now infidels were actually ruling the ummah. In order to create a truly Islamic state, therefore, jihad was fard ayn, the duty of every able-bodied Muslim. Faraj reveals the “idolatry” that is every bit as present in some forms of political Islamism as in secularist discourse, for he made the ummah a supreme value. “It is obligatory for every Muslim to seriously strive for the return of the Caliphate,” Faraj argued; anyone who fails to do so “does not die as a Muslim.” 33 In the past Islam had been a religion validated by its success. Until the modern period, the powerful position of the ummah had seemed to confirm the Quran’s teaching: that a rightly guided community would prosper because it was in tune with the way things ought to be. The ummah’s sudden demotion has been as theologically shattering for some Muslims as Darwin’s evolutionary theory has been for some Christians. The sense of shame and humiliation has been acute and is exacerbated by a sense of past greatness. Much of modern Islamism represents a desperate struggle to put history back on track. But this dream of a gloriously restored ummah has become an absolute, an end in itself, and as such justifies the means of an aggressive jihad—in this case, a criminal assassination. In Islamic terms, this constitutes the prime sin of shirk, an idolatry that places a political ideal on the same level as Allah. As one commentator observed, far from condoning lawless violence, the ideal of jihad originally expressed the important insight that “the final truth for man lies not in some remote and untarnished utopia but in the tension and struggle of applying its ideals to the recalcitrant and obstructive stuff of worldly sorrow.” 34 Faraj’s primitive theology is apparent when he explains why it was more important to fight Sadat than the Israelis: if a truly Islamic state were established in Egypt, he believed, Jerusalem would automatically revert to Muslim rule. In the Quran, God promised Muslims that he would bring disgrace on their enemies and come to the Muslims’ aid. In a nihilistic abandonment not only of his modern scientific training but also of the Quranic insistence that Muslims use their natural intelligence, Faraj reverted to a particularly naive form of the perennial philosophy that amounted to little more than magical thinking: if Muslims took the initiative, God would “intervene [and change] the laws of nature.” Could the militants expect a miracle? Faraj answered yes. Observers were puzzled that there was no planned uprising after the assassination. Faraj believed that God would step in and do the rest. 35 He did not.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  A few months after the Nicene Council, Irene dissolved the betrothal of her son, the Emperor Constantine, to Rotrude, a daughter of Charlemagne, which she herself had brought about, and forced him to marry an Armenian lady whom he afterward cast off and sent to a convent.549 From this time dates her rupture with Constantine. In her ambition for despotic power, she rendered him odious by encouraging his bad habits, and at last incapable of the throne by causing his eyes to be plucked out, while he was asleep, with such violence that he died of it (797). It is a humiliating fact that Constantine the Great, the convener of the first Nicene Council, and Irene, the convener of the second and last, are alike stained with the blood of their own offspring, and yet honored as saints in the Eastern church, in whose estimate orthodoxy covers a multitude of sins.550 She enjoyed for five years the fruit of unnatural cruelty to her only child. As she passed through the streets of Constantinople, four patricians marched on foot before her golden chariot, holding the reins of four milk-white steeds. But these patricians conspired against their queen and raised the treasurer Nicephorus to the throne, who was crowned at St. Sophia by the venal patriarch. Irene was sent into exile on the Isle of Lesbos, and had to earn her bread by the labors of her distaff as she had done in the days of her youth as an Athenian virgin. She died of grief in 803. With her perished the Isaurian dynasty. Startling changes of fortune were not uncommon among princes and patriarchs of the Byzantine empire. § 103. Iconoclastic Reaction, and Final Triumph of Image-Worship, A.D. 842. Walch, X. 592–828. Hefele, IV. 1–6; 38–47; 104–109. During the five reigns which succeeded that of Irene, a period of thirty-eight years, the image-war was continued with varying fortunes. The soldiers were largely iconoclastic, the monks and the people in favor of image-worship. Among these Theodore of the Studium was distinguished by his fearless advocacy and cruel sufferings under Leo V., the Armenian (813–820), who was slain at the foot of the altar. Theophilus (829–842) was the last and the most cruel of the iconoclastic emperors. He persecuted the monks by imprisonment, corporal punishment, and mutilation.551