Shame

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  BAPTISM AND THE LORD'S SUPPER 2Q$ means of creating the priesthood of theCatholic Church, and the main door through which superstitious beliefs came in. In time it became the mass, in which the priest partook ofthe bread and wine while the people watched him doing it. He might even go through the whole performance alone, for the benefit of adeceased person, according to the terms ofan endowment. Thus the Lord's Supper lost its meaning because itwas in the hands ofa body which had neither social outlook nor democratic emotions. The Protestant Reformation concentrated on the re- form of the Lord's Supper. The laity shared more fully in it. The private mass was abolished. Some of thesocial feeling was restored. But not the socialout- look. The act turned backward and not forward. It is an act of remembrance; init we appropriate theaton- ing death of our Saviour. Where it is experienced most deeply, it is a mystic act of fellowship between theun- seen Lord and the silentsoul of the worshipper. Fora time the great act of fraternal lovebecame the object ofbitter controversial feelings between Catholic and Protestant, and between Lutheran and Calvinist, and exercised a very unsocial and divisive influence. While the great churches were bitterly contending over the question whether their Lord was physically or spiritually present, and if physically, whether by tran- substantiation or consubstantiation, the persecuted Ana- baptists, who had neither the right to meetnor to exist, had the spirit of the original institution among them. As in the primitive Church, their service was preceded by

• From 50 Shades Uncovered (2015)

  James calls it "adult romance" while the media have dubbed it "mummy porn." Whatever you call it, there's no doubt that it's popular. I just sit at my desk. If I have any downtime I just start reading through it. And, obviously, if the manager, or any other lads saw, I'd just hide it away. Eclair: As a reader and a feminist, it didn't float my boat. But I did read it because, obviously for research purposes. It got the imagination flowing. People are caught up with those characters and they want to see what happens to them. Kite: Because they did center on that relationship, you could call them romantic erotica. It was a real page-turner. I went into a charity shop and I bought my copy and it was 59 p. I think that tells you everything you need to know about "Fifty Shades of Grey." I contemplated going to the library, um, and there was a voice in my head telling me, oh, the librarian's gonna judge me a little bit - for taking that one out. - Yeah. And then I thought, wait. Do I want to use a used copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey?" There's a deep shame to being seen with the book. (music playing) Gaukroger: A Belgian professor thought it would be a good idea to go into a library and test the ten most popular books in that library for traces of drugs, traces of diseases. All ten books had traces of cocaine. "Fifty Shades of Grey" actually had traces of a strain of herpes. So I didn't go and get one at the library. - No. - No. (music playing) Hopkins: I would never read that book in public 'cause that would be a tragedy. - There's such a stigma around it. - Yeah. I had it hidden inside "The Times" newspaper. But I would never be seen with "Fifty Shades of Grey." "Then I'm going to spank you. Not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine." (laughs) That's-- that's something kinky. Yes, really kinky. I think it's very unpleasant thing. (laughs) "He pauses, gauging my wide-eyed reaction." Graphic, graphic. Uh, I think it-- it'll make a good read. I didn't expect to read that in the middle of New York. O'Shea: I would be more embarrassed to be seen reading it simply because of how bad the prose is. Weak prose and bad plotlines are not okay. It's just concerning, the language of it. You know, how many times did he "hitch a breath"? Huh! You know, every other page his breath hitched. Huh! Well, mine didn't. (cheering) Gaukroger: J.K. Rowling refuses to read it. It might be due to the fact that "Fifty Shades of Grey" did outsell "Harry Potter." It's the quickest-selling paperback, which probably rubbed J.K. Rowling up the wrong way. - Good choice of words. - Just a little bit. - Good choice of words there. - Oh. Oh, God. It's just mass-market fiction.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  "My mother did not finish her phrase in words, but the expression of her face, and above all of the corners of her mouth, revealed her thoughts. "'And you think that this young man is such a degraded being as to allow himself to be kept by a woman, like a—' "'Well, it is not exactly being kept—at least, he would not consider it in that light. He might, moreover, allow himself to be helped in a thousand ways otherwise than by money, but his piano would be his gagne-pain.' "'Just like the stage is for most ballet-girls; then I should not like to be an artist.' "'Oh! they are not the only men who owe their success to a mistress, or to a wife. Read "Bel Ami," and you will see that many a successful man, and even more than one celebrated personage, owes his greatness to——' "'A woman?' "'Exactly; it is always: Cherchez la femme.' "'Then this is a disgusting world.' "'Having to live in it, we must make the best of it we can, and not take matters quite so tragically as you do.' "'Anyhow, he plays well. In fact, I never heard anyone play like he did last night.' "'Yes, I grant that last night he did play brilliantly, or, rather, sensationally; but it also must be admitted that you were in a rather morbid state of health and mind, so that music must have had an uncommon effect upon your nerves.' "'Oh! you think there was an evil spirit within me troubling me, and that a cunning player—as the Bible has it—was alone able to quiet my nerves.' "My mother smiled. "'Well, now-a-days, we are all of us more or less like Saul; that is to say, we are all occasionally troubled with an evil spirit.' "Thereupon her brow grew clouded, and she interrupted herself, for evidently the remembrance of my late father came to her mind; then she added, musingly— "'And Saul was really to be pitied.' "I did not give her an answer. I was only thinking why David had found favour in Saul's sight. Was it because 'he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to'? Was it also for this reason that, as soon as Jonathan had seen him, 'the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul'? "Was Teleny's soul knit with my own? Was I to love and hate him, as Saul loved and hated David? Anyhow, I despised myself and my folly. I felt a grudge against the musician who had bewitched me; above all, I loathed the whole womankind, the curse of the world. "All at once my mother drew me from my gloomy thoughts. "'You are not going to the office to-day, if you do not feel well,' said she, after a while." "What! you were in trade then, were you?"

• From The Spiral Staircase: My Climb Out of Darkness (2004)

  Joel had cracked under the strain, gone back to drink, and finished in a rehabilitation center. June had decided to close her literary agency. John had left Channel 4 to take up an appointment with Danish television. His successor had little time for me, clearly thought I was yesterday’s news, and never fully explained what had happened. The film that we had shot was confiscated pending a legal inquiry (which never in fact came to court). I soon realized that my own reputation had been tainted by the mysterious and messy demise of the series. It was made very clear to me that I could not expect another commission, which frightened me because it seemed most unlikely that I would be able to make a living by writing alone. Aware that the project was in bad trouble, for two years I had begged Channel 4 to find out what was going on. Nobody had listened. I felt rather like a beached whale, since my television colleagues and acquaintances had fallen away overnight, as though my disgrace were contagious. Yet another door had slammed in my face. This was what always happened. Here I was, right back at the beginning, trying yet again to make the money I had managed to save last for as long as possible. Significantly, I lost my voice. That is to say that, for about two years, I found it impossible to speak in public—something that had never happened to me before and has never happened since. I suppose I felt that if nobody listened, or believed a word I said, it was pointless to talk. Shortly after Channel 4 had abandoned the series, Holy War was published and I had to promote it. As a television tie-in, Holy War without the film was like Hamlet without the prince of Denmark, and there was naturally very little interest, but one day I did agree to travel down to Maidstone in Kent, for a live interview with Southern Television. To my horror, I found it impossible to utter a complete sentence. My throat seized up, I was shaking like a leaf, I couldn’t breathe, my chest contracted into a rigid knot, and I could only blurt a few words at a time, gasping after each broken phrase. Seeing the state I was in, the host quickly terminated the interview. Previously, when disaster had struck, I had not allowed myself to respond fully. Indeed, I had been unable to do so. On those other occasions, my state was not unlike that frozen condition described by Keats when he recalls “the feel of not to feel it” in “drearnighted December.”

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Why? Because as soon as you start to improve, the shame subsides—and with it, your motivation to keep going. So you fall back into old habits. And shame comes back around. And you change again, temporarily, just until you silence shame’s voice. And so on, and so forth, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. My friend, get off the shame train. It’s not taking you where you want to go. Instead, ask yourself honestly: What obstacles could be getting in the way of a healthy prayer life? Let’s look at a few possibilities. 1. IGNORANCE: I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. It’s hard to do things you don’t understand. Calculus, for example. Or braiding hair. Maybe one or both of those are easy for you, but they’re not for me. So I avoid them both. If you can’t figure out how to do something, you either learn, or you tend to avoid it. It’s human nature. Prayer is not hard, but it does have a bit of a learning curve because it’s a spiritual act, and some of us might not be used to engaging the spiritual side of our being. If you think back to when you learned to ride a bike or swim or read, though, you might remember how impossible that activity seemed—until you crossed a certain invisible threshold, and suddenly it started to click. Honestly, that’s the whole point behind this book. I want to demystify prayer. I want it to feel second-nature to you, like riding a bike or reading a book. That doesn’t happen overnight, but it also doesn’t take a lifetime. Don’t be intimidated by prayer. Don’t overcomplicate it. Don’t hide from it. Prayer is not some esoteric mystery that only a hyper-spiritual few can master. It isn’t reserved for pastors and preachers and saints. Prayer is for everyone, and everyone can pray. You can do this. 2. INEXPERIENCE: I’M NOT GOOD AT IT.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  When I began to pull at his buttons, he closed his eyes.I got his cock out, and studied it: I had never seen one before, so close, and - no disrespect to the gent concerned - it seemed quite monstrous. But there are always jokes about such things in the music hall: I had a pretty good idea of how they worked. Seizing hold of it, I began - very inexpertly, I am sure, though he didn’t seem to mind - to pump it.‘How thick and long it is,’ I said then - I had heard that it was every man’s ambition to be spoken to thus, at such moments. The fellow gave a sigh, and opened his eyes.‘Oh, I do wish you would kiss me there,’ he whispered. ‘Your mouth is such a perfect one - quite like a girl’s.’I slowed my rhythm, and took another look at his straining cock; and again, when I knelt, it was as if it were someone else who was kneeling, not myself. I thought, This is how Walter tastes!Afterwards I spat his spendings out upon the cobbles, and he thanked me very graciously.‘Perhaps,’ he said, buttoning himself up, ‘perhaps I shall see you again, in the same spot?’I could not answer him - the fact was, I felt almost ready to weep. He handed me my sovereign; then, after a moment’s hesitation, he stepped to me and kissed my cheek. The gesture made me flinch; and when he felt the shudder, he misunderstood, and looked wistful.‘No,’ he said, ‘you don’t like that, you soldier-boys, do you?’ His tone was strange; when I studied him, I saw that his eyes were gleaming.His excitement had stirred me to strangeness, before; his emotion, now, made me terribly thoughtful. When he turned and left the court, I remained there, trembling - not with sadness, but with a creeping kind of relish. The man had looked like Walter; I had pleasured him, in some queer way, for Kitty’s sake; and the act had made me sicken. But he was not like Walter, who might take his pleasure where he chose it. His pleasure had turned, at the last, to a kind of grief; and his love was a love so fierce and so secret it must be satisfied, with a stranger, in a reeking court like this.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  The body in the mediaThe female body has always been a source of inspiration for artists. From the naked splendor of Rubens’ plump beauties to Audrey Hepburn’s waiflike frame, the female body—in its many forms—has become part of our identity. Yet while women with hourglass figures, such as Marilyn Monroe, were once heralded for their sexy, real curves, women today are expected to have the bodies of prepubescent girls. Hips are out, curves are out, and breasts must be appropriately perky and youthful. If you look at pictures of female celebrities in magazines, you will soon notice that our standard of beauty is going through a “skinny” phase. Taking control of your imageAs a result, many women have poor body image or believe their bodies need to be fixed in some way. The signature things that make us who we are—freckles, moles, stretch marks, curves, breast size and shape—are the very things we spend half our time trying to erase. Connecting with your body is an important part of tuning in to your sex life. If you aren’t comfortable with what you see in the mirror, you will no doubt feel uncomfortable being unclothed in front of your partner. Keeping your body under wraps will only serve to lessen your joy in the bedroom, and your partner’s, too. It is possible to learn to love your body, both for the amazing feats it is capable of, and for its pure aesthetic beauty, which it offers to all who are lucky enough to see it in its full glory. Harmonize your mind and bodyWomen who enjoy satisfying and exuberant sex lives don’t worry about their bodily appearance. They believe their body is sexy and are not inhibited by their cellulite or wrinkles. When your mind takes a more positive attitude toward your body, you also start to realize how sexy you are. Start by looking at your body and appreciating your positive qualities—it might be your cute feet, heavy breasts, long eyelashes, super-shiny hair, or marvelous curves. Be proud of your body by standing tall and showing off your best parts, whether it’s your deep cleavage or nice bum. Remember that your sex appeal is all of you—the way you walk and talk, your expression, and your body language. Being happy and confident is sexy. Smiling is sexy. What looks good on the catwalk is not what turns your man on between the sheets—it is your own unique shape and feel. Pass on your positive views about your body to your daughters and granddaughters, and they will grow up in a much more positive environment, which embraces all types of beauty. [image file=image_rsrc3A4.jpg] Lighten up over weightThe top body concern of most women is their weight. If you feel fat and flabby, you are less likely to want to be uninhibited in the bedroom.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  What are your thoughts about sex? It is important to reflect on this, because the images and words that come into your mind when you are having sex can affect your sexual response and your enjoyment. Making sure your mind is on board is an important part of having a good sex life—after all, your brain is your biggest sex organ. Your mind and your emotional health are intimately tied to your libido. So direct your thoughts to enhancing your self-esteem, and concentrate on releasing your inner seductress to get the most out of your relationship. [image file=image_rsrc3A9.jpg] Perspectives on SexWomen are beautiful, multifaceted, sexual creatures, designed to enjoy lovemaking. Evolution made us that way for good reason—we play an important role in keeping the human race going. However, inadequate early teaching or experiences can make it difficult for some women to enjoy sex as a natural and pleasurable act. It is impossible to realize your potential if you are harboring negative thoughts about your sexuality. In fact, it does us all good now and again to examine our views on sex. The seeds of sexual beliefsFrom your first chaste kiss on the playground to the first time you made love, your initiation into the world of sex has the power to color your sexual future. Decades may have passed, but these potent memories are probably still with you. And although negative experiences might not prevent you from engaging in sex altogether, they might make you less orgasmic during sex, or less willing to try new positions or activities. The media, with their conflicting images of female sexuality, also has a significant impact on our beliefs. On the one hand, we are shown that women should be sexy, orgasmic, and free-spirited. But on the other hand, sexual naivety is shown to be desirable. The truth is that women can’t accomplish sexual freedom if they are not free to experiment with different partners and to enjoy sex without fear of being labeled. Set your own agendaSex is a natural and healthy part of being human, though it does attract labels—from ourselves and from others. But trying a new sex position or act does not make a woman a slut. You can play the whore in the bedroom, or act naive. It is okay to beg for sex and it is perfectly acceptable to say “no.” These are simply different sexual behaviors. They do not define you as a person—they are part of a normal sexual repertoire. Once you think about your sexual beliefs you will be better able to accept your own sexuality, and set your standards. Maybe you don’t believe in one-night stands, or that sex should be kept to committed relationships. It helps to define your sexuality before communicating it to potential partners. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone and your sex life is emotionally and physically healthy, it is yours to explore, adore, and enjoy.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  You are cuffed and breathalyzed. You blow a number out of orbit. Don’t even try. You are so beyond the legal limit you could power a car. Gimme a D to the U to the I. Oh and in case you were feeling any shred of hotness left in your bones, when you look pleadingly into the young male cop’s rearview on the car ride to the facility and say, couldn’t you just take me home? With what you think are pout lips and bed blond hair, he looks back at you with - you guessed it - woman, you are old as shit pity in his eyes. Inside the jail the rerun begins. The first thing that happens that has already happened is that you are inside. You have been in jail before. You have a record. Not very many people know that since you look exactly like a Visiting Writer and anyhow you have always been a snappy dresser. The second thing that happens that has already happened is there is another woman in the holding cell who is going through heroin withdrawal. She’s drooling and she’s in a tight ball arms choking knees and she’s banging her head back against the wall and spitting about every eight seconds. Your left arm aches. Your feet go numb. You go sit next to her. You look a little bit like a martyr-ish crappy-ass too white benevolent Visiting Writer on the outside but what’s not visible to the naked eye is that you haven’t been clean all that many years, which suddenly has shrunken to the size of a human head. Weren’t you getting a little cocky about it too, your beautiful recovery, your distancing yourself from yourselfstory. Which takes you to the third thing that happens over again which is how quickly you become the Universal Caretaker when YOU are the sorry ass loser who needs the HELP, giving your socks to the black woman on welfare and holding the hand of the lumpy 50-year old woman who is actually maybe 28. You find yourself dialing the number of the boyfriend of the crack queen with the Alice Cooper mascara drool face. No really, you are on the payphone calling for her even though she has choke bruises around her neck, she begs you to call him so you do, you intervene, you become an objective outside resource, you tell him to call and drop the charges so she can get out since it is so obvious that he has abused her and later in life she will have one helluvuh case, one in which you will be a witness of course, watch out guy, you teach Women’s Studies, and he proceeds to describe to you what she did to his living room and his cat and his motorcycle with a baseball bat and the house on fire before he calls you a fucking cunt whore ignorant bitch and hangs up.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Johnny gave himself plenty of structure—magic tricks, performing. But he never felt comfortable being himself. Even Ed McMahon, Johnny’s loyal sidekick for thirty years, said of Johnny, “He was good with ten million people, lousy with ten.” Why didn’t structure work for Johnny? Why did he never transition to the ultimate role: himself? The answer lies in the source of the role. For Johnny Carson, biographers theorize that Johnny’s persona, Johnny Carson the Entertainer, was created to win the approval of a specific person. His mother, Ruth, didn’t like boys; they were dirty and nasty, she said. Her favorite child was her daughter, Catherine. So Johnny’s persona, lore has it, was created to get positive attention from Ruth. If he could just be funny enough, successful enough, famous enough, maybe she would be proud of him. He didn’t do it for himself; he did it for approval that, sadly, turned out to be unattainable. Reportedly, at the height of Johnny’s fame Ruth once watched his Tonight Show monologue in the presence of a New York Times reporter, switched off the TV, and pronounced, “That wasn’t funny.” So here’s the difference between structure that hinders you and structure that’s a stepping-stone to the ultimate role of being yourself: the role should come from within, not from someone else. It can’t come from your impossible-to-please mother, your boss, your current crush, American society, or whoever else. Instead, your role should be chosen and inhabited only by you. Think of it this way: Pretend you are a building. Creating a persona chosen by someone else sets up a false front. Picture an old Wild West town: tumbleweeds rolling by, horses tied to their hitching posts in front of the buildings on Main Street. Looks like a solid settlement, right? But peek behind the imposing fronts and you’d find the buildings were often just canvas tents and a wooden floor, shoddy structures at best. Indeed, the cost and danger of hauling building materials to a town that may or may not survive the boom-and-bust economy of the Old West was prohibitive. But business owners realized they needed to project an image of success and stability to lure in customers. So they poured their resources into erecting impressive false fronts. They attended to the image but neglected the actual building. Playing a role that is chosen for you is like constructing a false front. Your precious resources get poured into the image while the actual building—the real, authentic you—is left wanting. The false front may be impressive or even intimidating, but its intention is to fool, to deceive.1

• From Manhunt (2022)

  Lili Elbe looking back over one pale shoulder, blue iris faded like a pressed flower. “I’ll drive down tonight,” she said. “You’ll have company. Vivian has made it clear to me she isn’t cut out to continue managing our interests in Raymond. I’ve decided Sarah Jane Spiers will take her place.” She tapped the butt of her pen against her chin. “Break the news to Vivian and bring her home, if you’d be so good.” “The doctor’s really going to stick with naming the town after herself?” Teach sniffed. “Some of the Matriarchs are stuck in an obsolete paradigm of government. They still think in terms of territory. Ownership. Masculine thinking. But the world has changed, Pierce.” Her pen scratched in the silence. “Power now is a fluid thing. It comes from understanding. From nurturing. The mistake we made before the plague was to rely on print media and academic discourse—insular, sterile parts in the machinery of human society. Things in which most women rightly evince little interest. “Our sisterhood, what we’re building here and up the coast, will outlive every lecture series, every textbook. We’re making a womb, the strongest thing there is, and once we’ve solved the fertility problem it will carry our new world. A world without rape. Without wife beaters. Without borders or nations or races. A world where women, after a hundred thousand years of terror, can be safe.” Here and up the coast , Ramona thought. Not in Maryland. She knows the Matriarchs are scared of her popularity, afraid she’d pull a Caesar on them. That’s probably why they let her take Boston and the coast. She wins, their territory grows. She dies, they don’t have to worry about her anymore. She dug her nails into her palms. Which one do I want to happen? Kilroy turned to look out the window, though before she did, Ramona thought she glimpsed something like jealousy in the Maenad’s eyes. No womb. No womanhood. No future. Just a little card, kept in a pocket close to her breast in case anyone was checking papers, that read “XY—NEUTERED & EXEMPTED” above her names—natural and conferred, and the serpents of the Matriarchy, tails entwined, framing a white sun in fallopian coils. A quick, precise jab of the pen’s nib to dot an i. “That will be all, captain. I’ll await your report.” Ramona saluted, fist to breast, and turned to stride across the empty room toward the heavy oaken door. The eyes on the walls seemed to follow her. Shaggy hair. Little budding breasts. Those strange self-portraits. Teeth barely showing between chewed lips. A beauty mark beside a long, straight nose. A pit yawned somewhere inside her. Something important had fallen into it—something special—and now she lay crouched beside it, waiting for the sound of impact. Marsha P.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  "She looked around, frightened. She tried to cover herself as much as she could; and then, entwining one of her arms round the young man's neck— "'Do not look at me like that,' she said. 'Am I so loathsome to you? Oh! I see it. You despise me.' And her eyes filled with tears. 'You are right. Why did I yield? Why did I not resist the love that was torturing me? Alas! it was not you; but I who sought you, who made love to you; and now you feel for me nothing but disgust. Tell me, is it so? You love another woman! No!—tell me you don't!' "'I don't,' said Teleny, earnestly. "'Yes, but swear.' "'I have already sworn before, or at least offered to do so? What is the use of swearing, if you don't believe me?' "Though all lust was gone, Teleny felt a heartfelt pity for that handsome young woman, who, maddened by love for him, had put into jeopardy her whole existence to throw herself into his arms. "Who is the man that is not flattered by the love he inspires in a high-born, wealthy, and handsome young woman, who forgets her marriage vows to enjoy a few moments' bliss in his arms? But, then, why do women generally love men who often care so little for them? "Teleny did his best to comfort her, to tell her over and over again that he cared for no woman, to assure her that he would be eternally faithful to her for her sacrifice; but pity is not love, nor is affection the eagerness of desire. "Nature was more than satisfied; her beauty had lost all its attraction; they kissed again and again; he languidly passed his hands all over her body, from the nape of the neck to the deep dent between those round hills, which seemed covered with fallen snow, giving her a most delightful sensation as he did so; he caressed her breasts, suckled and bit the tiny protruding nipples, whilst his fingers were often thrust far within the warm flesh hidden under that mass of jet-black hair. She glowed, she breathed, she shivered with pleasure; but Teleny, though performing his work with masterly skill, remained cold at her side. "'No, I. see that you don't love me; for it is not possible that you—a young man——' "She did not finish. Teleny felt the sting of her reproaches, but remained passive; for the phallus is not stiffened by taunts.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  To add insult to injury, you have to pay them. Your mouth feels like it’s made of Styrofoam, and you can’t talk without severing your tongue, but you still have to shell out money that would otherwise put your kid through college. If you’re a dentist, this isn’t personal. I’m glad you exist. You’re a gift to humanity. Keep up the good work. If we meet and I don’t smile at you, though, it’s not you. It’s just that your occupation triggers the whole fight-or-flight thing in my brain. I’m also subconsciously afraid you’re judging my dental hygiene. You see, one of the main reasons I dislike going to the dentist (other than the aforementioned sharp objects and drills) is the shame that always seems to be associated with the experience. Maybe it’s my imagination, maybe it’s my guilty conscience about not brushing enough, maybe I was traumatized as a kid—I don’t know. All I know is that I never walk away from a visit to the dentist feeling encouraged about my brushing or flossing habits. Quite the opposite. I feel like a failure, like I’ll never measure up to the holy standards of the American Dental Association. Therefore, I avoid visiting the dentist. Why would I go somewhere that makes me feel bad about myself? Many people treat God the same way. They feel shame when they think of Him, so they avoid Him. They think He’s always judging their soul hygiene. That’s not exactly healthy for their prayer lives, of course. FROM VS. FOR Our beliefs about God—about His character, His attitude toward us, His value system, His desires—shape the premises for our prayers. In other words, the way we see God determines the way we approach Him. Read that again: The way we see God determines the way we approach God. Similarly, our beliefs about ourselves—our worth, our standing, our potential, our importance—also shape our premises for prayer. The way we see ourselves will influence what we ask for and how we ask it. These two things—our view of God and our view of ourselves—are pretty much inseparable. We rarely put words to them, but they lie at the base of how we pray, what we ask for, how much faith we have that God hears us, and whether we obey God when He speaks. If we think we are failures, and we believe that God is mostly concerned about failure, we will avoid Him. We won’t talk to Him. Why would we? That would be like making friends with the dentist. (I’m kidding. Dentists are people too.) Even if we do pray, we’ll probably spend most of our time and energy trying to convince God to forgive us, to like us, and to bless us. That’s not how Jesus prayed. It’s not how Paul or other Bible characters prayed either.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  They want to do good deeds, be altruistic, and achieve something in their lives. Plus they are loyal. Once most people make a commitment to something, they don't easily renege on that commitment. When you make a commitment to a group you believe in fervently, it's a struggle to go back on your word. Later, when you begin to see things that you don't agree with, you may say to yourself, "Well, I said I was going to do this, and I was told that it was going to be hard. Now some of this doesn't seem right to me, but I said I would go along with it, and I made a commitment. So I'll stay a little bit longer." All this time, of course, the leadership and everyone else around you is telling you that you had better go along with it, in either subtle or not-so-subtle terms. Also people don't like to just stand up and say, "I quit." Rather than be quitters, they will stick with things. The longer they stay, the more difficult it is to get out. Not wanting to be seen as a quitter is yet another element that keeps people in cults. Respect for AuthorityWe were all brought up to respect authority figures, leaders, and people who give us answers. When we are young, and all through school, we're taught that there are answers and authorities. We are supposed to listen to the answers and look up to the people who "know better." As a result, when you are told not to question your cult, your rationale for obedience is that to do otherwise would be disrespectful to the all-knowing leader. After all, the leader knows better and has the all-powerful answers. Questions and doubts are discouraged. To reinforce obedience, each group usually has some kind of punishment pattern for violators. When someone questions authority, she may be made to look ridiculous or called a renegade, a spy, an agent, a nonbeliever, Satan, or whatever disparaging terms that particular group uses. Each cult's internal language always includes terms to ridicule and denigrate questioners, who are made to feel bad for doubting or questioning. If you were a questioner, eventually, in most cases, you were probably convinced by the cult's closed logic (and by peer pressure) that your questioning meant you weren't a strong believer. So you stopped questioning. Ultimately human beings do whatever they need to do to survive in a particular environment. When you're a cult member, a great deal of your environment and many of your life choices are controlled: your financial resources, access to information, the work you might do, your free time, your social circle, sometimes even your sex life is controlled. You adapt and learn to function in order to remain in the group. It's easier to conform, to go along with the flow, and to be a good believer and a good follower than it is to resist.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I could not but long for her to step upon the stage again; but I wished, too, that I might be alone when she did so - alone in my little box with the door shut fast behind me - rather than seated in the midst of a crowd of people to whom she was nothing, and who thought my particular passion for her only queer, or quaint.They had heard me sing ‘Sweethearts and Wives’ a thousand times; they had heard me tell the details of her costume, of her hair and voice; I had burned all week to have them see her, and pronounce her marvellous. Now that they were gathered here, however, gay and careless and hot and loud, I despised them. I could hardly bear for them to look upon her at all; worse still, I thought I couldn’t endure to have them look upon me, as I watched her. I had that sensation again, that there had grown a lantern or a beacon inside me. I was sure that when she stepped upon the stage it would be like putting a match to the wick, and I would flare up, golden and incandescent but somehow painfully and shamefully bright; and my family and my beau would shrink away from me, appalled.Of course, when she strode before the footlights at last, no such thing occurred. I saw Davy look my way and give a wink, and heard Father’s whisper: ‘Here’s the very gal, then, at last’; but when I glowed and sparkled it was evidently with a dark and secret flame which no one - except Alice, perhaps - looked for or saw.As I had feared, however, I felt horribly far from Miss Butler that night. Her voice was as strong, her face as lovely, as before; but I had been used to hearing the breaths she drew between the phrases, used to catching the glimmer of the limes upon her lip, the shadow of her lashes on her powdered cheek. Now I felt as though I was watching her through a pane of glass, or with my ears stopped up with wax. When she finished her set my family cheered, and Freddy stamped his feet and whistled. Davy called, ‘Stone me, if she ain’t just as wonderful as Nancy painted her!’ - then he leaned across Alice’s lap to wink and add, ‘Though not so wonderful that I’d spend a shilling a week on train tickets to come and see her every night!’ I didn’t answer him. Kitty Butler had come back for her encore, and had already drawn the rose from her lapel; but it was no comfort to me at all to know my family liked her - indeed, it made me more wretched still.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  Pursewarden had been surly all evening, as he often was, and had busied himself with the drinks to the exclusion of anything else. The little ritual with Fatma seemed to free Justine from constraint; she was free to be natural, to move about with ‘that insolent unbalanced air, cursing her frock for catching in the cupboard door’, or pausing to apostrophize herself in the great spade-shaped mirror. She told us of the mask, adding sadly: ‘It sounds cheap and rather theatrical, I know. I turn my face to the wall and talk to it. I forgive myself my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. Sometimes I rave a little and beat on the wall when I remember the follies which must seem insignificant to others or to God — if there is a God. I speak to the person I always imagine inhabiting a green and quiet place like the 23rd Psalm.’ Then coming to rest her head upon my shoulder and put her arms round me, ‘That is why so often I ask you to be a little tender with me. The edifice feels as if it had cracked up here. I need little strokes and endearments like you give Melissa; I know it is she you love. Who could love me?’ Pursewarden was not, I think, proof against the naturalness and charm of the tones in which she said this, for he went to the corner of the room and gazed at her bookshelf. The sight of his own books made him first pale and then red, though whether with shame or anger I could not tell. Turning back he seemed at first about to say something, but changed his mind. He turned back once more with an air of guilty chagrin to confront that tremendous shelf. Justine said: ‘If you wouldn’t consider it an impertinence I should so like you to autograph one for me’ but he did not reply. He stayed quite still, staring at the shelf, with his glass in his hand. Then he wheeled about and all of a sudden he appeared to have become completely drunk; he said in a fierce ringing tone: ‘The modern novel! The grumus merdae left behind by criminals upon the scene of their misdeeds.’ And quietly falling sideways, but taking care to place his glass upright on the floor he passed immediately into a profound sleep.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  trip us up. The apostle James makes sure we get this straight: “No one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (1:13). While there are different opinions about the meaning of Jesus’ words here, the gist of the line could be stated this way: “God, help me not fail when I am tested.” 2 We face challenging situations all the time. They might be caused by external forces, including difficult circumstances or even demonic influence. They might come from internal desires, including ones that are normal but need to be controlled, and others that are simply wrong. They test our character, faith, and determination. Put another way, they tempt us. They tempt us to act like people we don’t want to be. They tempt us to get what we want using the wrong means. They tempt us to do things that at our core we don’t want to do. They tempt us to react in ways that don’t align with our core values. They tempt us to become something other than what God has made us to be. Jesus said to pray about all that. Jesus was honest. He didn’t sugarcoat things. He made it clear that following Him would not always be easy, that temptations are real, that the “evil one” (a reference to the devil) will oppose us, and that faith in God doesn’t make all our wrong desires magically disappear. I wish it did. That would make me feel a lot better about myself. In fact, if I never struggled with temptation or sin, I might assume I was a pretty good guy, leading a pretty good life. I’d be proud of myself. I’d be arrogant. And I’d probably be a jerk. Bill Gates once said, “Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.” 3

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Some had been members of the cult for thirty years. All had left the group within a few months of learning of their guru's abusive sexual practices. The weekend was organized by two of the former members and was designed to be an educational experience, combining explanations of thought reform with an overview of the philosophical beliefs of their group, including its origins and fallacies of doctrine and leadership. In addition, a separate workshop was held for women who had been sexually abused by the guru. This weekend was cathartic and healing. Armed with an understanding of the dynamics of cult influence and control and the effects of the guru's manipulations and lies, the former members began to deal with their sense of failure, shame, and guilt about their time in the cult. Many chose to continue this recovery process by entering therapy and attending support meetings for former members. One advantage of exit counseling is that participants receive a short course on cults and thought reform and the opportunity to learn how their particular group or leader deviates from accepted moral practices or belief structures. They also learn the origin of the group's belief system, which may have been misinterpreted or kept hidden from them. This educational process provides them with a new understanding of their cult involvement. Armed with information and resources, and often backed up by an educated and supportive family environment, cult members are more prepared to face the decision to remain in the group or leave. If they decide to leave, they are better equipped to begin their recovery process. Evaluating Your InvolvementThe following sets of questions have proven helpful to former cult members trying to make sense of their experiences. Review these questions periodically as you travel on the road to recovery. They will lead to new insights and a deeper level of understanding. Reviewing Your Recruitment• What was going on in your life at the time you joined the group or met the person who became your abusive partner? • How and where were you approached? • What was your initial reaction to or feeling about the leader or group? • What or who first interested you in the group or leader? • Were you misled during recruitment? If so, how? • What did the group or leader promise you? Did you ever get it? • What didn't they tell you that might have influenced you not to join had you known? • Why did the group or leader want you? Understanding the Psychological Influences Used in the Group• Which techniques of influence were used by your group or leader: chanting, meditation, sleep deprivation, isolation, drugs, hypnosis, criticism, fear, other? List each one and how it served the group's purposes. • What was the most effective? The least effective? • What practices are you still following that are difficult to give up? Are you able to see any effects on you when you engage in these practices?

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  That was something I remember myself and other kids saying very often, "I'm starving." Especially if you weren't a teacher's pet. If you were one of their chums, brahmana initiated, or if you were having sex with the higher-ups, you would be okay. You would get all the food you wanted 4 Dylan Hickey was one of the people who brought the abuse out in the open. He and another former student published the V.O.I.C.E. website (Violations of ISKCON Children Exposed). The site included an analysis of the failure of the gurukula system, a collection of anonymous personal accounts of abuse, and an essay on the culpability of the group's founding guru, Srila Prabhupada, for failing to stop the abuse even though he was aware of it. The website was a searing indictment of ISKCON, made even more significant because Dylan Hickey was the son of Education Minister Jagadish. His mother was also involved in the gurukula. Dylan began writing after an accident at the Gita Nagari gurukula left him quadriplegic. Another former gurukula student, Raghunatha, started a print newsletter and published similar writings, including his own chilling essay, "Children of the Ash- ram."5 Raghunatha also helped to start annual gurukula reunions in Los Angeles. Progress in the Years 1996-1998The ISKCON hierarchy's main attempt at reconciliation happened in 1996 when the North American temple presidents and GBC members met at the ISKCON center in Alachua, Florida. Youth Minister and former gurukula student Manu Dasa led a panel discussion of ten former students to explain to the leaders what the schools were like for children. According to an editorial by ISKCON World Review publisher Kunti Devi, "Sannyasis [priests] cried. You could see the shame in some of the men's eyes. I believe it was even more than the awful threat of lawsuits that spurred these men, so committed to ISKCON, to go beyond passing resolutions."6 After hearing the,survivors' stories, the ISKCON officials acknowledged that they understood the full extent of abuse. They pledged money and resolved to form an entity to manage the funds. That marked the beginning of Children of Krishna, Inc., which was incorporated as a 5o1(c)3 nonprofit organization headquartered in Alachua. Children of Krishna helped some abuse survivors, in particular, several who spoke on the 1996 panel. However, grants could go to anyone raised in the organization, not just those who survived abuse. In addition, Children of Krishna set a limit of $2,000 per student. In my opinion, that sum is too little, considering what ISKCON took away from those children. In 1998, ISKCON formed the Office of Child Protection, headed by two ISKCON disciples who were charged with helping victims, investigating past abuse, and preventing future abuse.' In summer 1998, the two attended the Los Angeles gurukula reunion and gave out $500 to $2,000 checks to any survivor who would sign legal documents waiving additional claims against ISKCON. Many took this as an insult; some who signed off felt ashamed to take the money.

• From The Art of Memoir

  2 | The Truth Contract Twixt Writer and Reader The whole journey is toward the truth, or toward authenticity, agency, and freedom. How could it possibly help to plant a lie in the middle of it? Edward St Aubyn When I think of all the stiff pronouncements I’ve made demanding truth in memoir over the years, I’m inclined to hang my head. I sound like such a pious twit, the village vicar wagging her finger at writers pushing the limits of the form. Forgive me, I am not the art police. The wonderful thing about what comedian Stephen Colbert calls the “truthiness” of our era is that you can set any standard that blows up your coattail. Novelist Pam Houston claimed her novels are 82 percent true and ascribes that same percentage to her nonfiction —fair enough. I guess in today’s literary landscape, you can choose your own percentage. You can always hide behind the fiction label, as Truman Capote did (perhaps first) in 1966 with his “nonfiction novel,” In Cold Blood; or as Philip Roth did in 1993 with his roman à clef Operation Shylock, which he published as fiction, while claiming it was God’s own truth. (Ditto: my favorite parts of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest are more memoir than fiction.) Or you can make a general disclaimer, as John Berendt did in 1994, confessing that in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil he took “certain storytelling liberties, particularly having to do with the timing of events.” I took this to mean that he telescoped time to move the story along. In fact, the book’s murder—its central drama—occurred years before Berendt