Shame

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Emotional Inheritance (2022)

  I ask. Jon smiles. “That I’m a baby?” I smile back and he continues. “I feel like such a baby. Maybe what I wanted was to forget the pacifier here and go home like a grown-up.” “That makes sense,” I say. “But is it possible that you wanted to both forget and also remember?” He is intrigued, and I continue. “Maybe you wanted to forget the baby part of yourself here, but also to come back in order to dig and discover it. Maybe you want those lost parts to be found, to uncover your own life story.” Jon nods. “And what if it’s not so interesting?” I pause. I hear how afraid he is to remember how uninteresting and rejected he felt as a child. He doesn’t want to feel the injury of his childhood and to get in touch with how much he needed his mother. I think about the word “pacifier,” recognizing that as a child Jon tried to pacify himself rather than cry for his mother. As an adult, he presents as an easygoing guy who doesn’t need anyone to take care of him or even understand him. He doesn’t get upset or express feelings of frustration, but instead tries to manage his feelings on his own and push down any emotions. Jon feels that he shouldn’t depend on anyone. In his sessions, he makes sure to not feel too dependent on me, too. Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, wrote that one of the most meaningful maternal functions is “emotional holding.” He related that function, in parents of any sex, to the significance of the physical aspect of holding a baby. Emotional holding is the steady emotional arms and available presence of the parents that allow the baby to feel safe and protected. The parent holds the baby in his or her mind, available to tolerate the baby’s emotions, tuned in to her signals. When a baby feels safe both physically and emotionally, she develops a sense of a safe world, where she can rely on the parent and trust that her needs will be met. But when emotional holding collapses, the baby usually stops turning to others and instead turns inward. When the baby feels dropped she might experience what Winnicott called “falling forever.” It is the feeling of emotional collapse, an endless downfall with no bottom. Jon learned not to reach out to his parents for soothing and to hold himself emotionally. I sense that he protected himself by giving up on his parents’ comforting and responsiveness. He became a boy and later on a man who didn’t ask for much. He was able to manage his feelings until one day it all broke and he fell apart. Jon leaves my office, and I am aware that we haven’t yet talked about his breakdown.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  The actual experiences and the degree or type of harm suffered may vary considerably. Some people may leave cults with minimum distress, and adjust rather rapidly to the larger society, while others may suffer severe emotional trauma that requires psychiatric care. Still others may need medical attention or other care. The dilemmas can be overwhelming and may require thoughtful attention. Many have likened this period to being on an emotional roller coaster. First of all, self-blame (for joining the cult or participating in it, or both) is a common reaction that tends to overshadow all positive feelings. Added to this is a feeling of identity loss and confusion over various aspects of daily life. If you were recruited at any time after your teens, you already had a distinct personality, which we call the "precult personality." While you were in the cult, you most likely developed a so-called new personality in order to adapt to the demands and ambiance of cult life. We call this the "cult personality." Most cults engage in an array of social-psychological pressures aimed at indoctrinating and changing you. You may have been led to believe that your precult personality was all bad and your adaptive cult personality all good. After you leave a cult, you don't automatically switch back to your precult self; in fact, you may often feel as if you have two personalities or two selves. Evaluating these emotions and confronting this dilemma-integrating the good and discarding the bad-is a primary task for most former cult members, and is a core focus of this book. As you seek to redefine and reshape your identity, you will want to address the psychological, emotional, and physical consequences of living in or around a constrained, controlled, and possibly abusive environment. And as if all that weren't enough, many basic life necessities and challenges will need to be met and overcome. These may include finding employment and a place to live, making friends, repairing old relationships, confronting belief issues, deciding on a career or going back to school, and most likely catching up with a social and cultural gap. If you feel like "a stranger in a strange land," it may be consoling to know that you are not the first person to have felt this way. In fact, the pervasive and awkward sense of alienation that both of us felt when we left our cults motivated us to write this book. We hope that the information here will not only help you get rid of any shame or embarrassment you might feel, but also ease your integration into a positive and productive life. We were compelled to write this book because more often than not, people coming out of cults have tremendous difficulty finding practical information. We, too, experienced that obstacle. Both of us faced one roadblock after another as we searched for useful information and helping professionals who were knowledgeable about cults and postcult trauma.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Recruiters use similar tactics in their mirroring of the interests and attitudes of recruits. By striking a responsive chord, the recruiter, like the hypnotist, paces the subject from a psychological beginning point, slowly and carefully leading the person to the next stage. If successful, the recruiter will now be able to define the recruit's reality. A skilled recruiter establishes an environment (at least initially) in which the recruit is made to feel special, loved, among newfound friends, and a part of something unique. While the recruit is in a susceptible state, verbal and nonverbal messages are directly and indirectly conveyed about proper behavior and thinking patterns. "It cannot be stated strongly enough," writes Miller, "that the process of pacing and leading recruits is not only part of the initial indoctrination but is also, along with elaborate reinforcement schedules and the merciless manipulation of guilt and humiliation, an ongoing feature of cult membership."10 Beginning with the recruitment process and into the early stages of membership, cults keep careful watch over each person's conversion (or resocial ization) into the cult's ways of thinking and being. Gradually the person is ledsometimes painstakingly-to ever deeper levels of commitment. Using these basic techniques of social influence, cults can exert significant control over the individual, ultimately influencing his mental processes and his daily activities and actions, even while he is physically away from the group. Contract for Membership in a Cultic Group or Relationship In the medical profession, ethical contracts ensure that patients have given "fully informed consent." That is, if a doctor fails to inform a patient about the risks, side effects, and options for treatment, the uninformed patient is entitled to sue for maltreatment. Below is a mock contract for cult membership." Ask yourself if you gave informed consent at the time of your recruitment, or if you would have joined had you known your participation would involve the following conditions. I, hereby agree to join . I understand that my life will change in the following ways. I know what I am getting into and agree to all of the following conditions: 1. My good feelings about who I am will stem from being liked by other group members and/or my leader, and from receiving approval from the group/leader. 2. My total mental attention will focus on solving the group's/leader's problems and making sure that there are no conflicts. 3. My mental attention will be focused on pleasing and protecting the group/leader. 4. My self-esteem will be bolstered by solving group problems and relieving the leader's pain. 5. My own hobbies and interests will gladly be put aside. My time will be spent however the group/leader wants. 6. My clothing and personal appearance will be dictated by the desires of the group/leader. 7. I do not need to be sure of how I feel. I will only be focused on what the group/leader feels. 8. I will ignore my own needs and wants.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  Aren’t drugs, after all, how everyone else tolerates monogamy? I hated being the object of a desperate, controlling passion but felt that it was somehow the morally dutiful stance when the man “loved” me. I was finally cured when I found myself in a fetal position on the floor of my bedroom while the Boyfriend put me on hold for a business call. I had humiliated myself beyond recognition. What is wrong with me? The wretched question always beckoning my shame, the shame of the little girl who was deemed “overly sensitive.” But with the Boyfriend I made progress. I stayed long enough to allow the pain to slice right through my mental masochism and discovered the relief on the other side: my sadism. I considered the radical possibility that there might be nothing “wrong” with me. Except perhaps choosing guys who adored me, seduced me, and then couldn’t control their dicks, and therefore had to control me. I’d protest, get upset, and the discussion would be successfully diverted from their penis to my hysteria. Oh, the myriad insecurities, baffling behaviors, addictions, and possessive outbursts that inhabit the man in search of control. There is only one kind of control that really matters. My nice-girl martyrdom over, I turned to its heady antidote, the liberation of tyranny. I would no longer accommodate penis problems—whether they were insecurities about length or width, or issues of control lost and not found. If a damaged dick and his owner threatened to raise their heads in my direction, I would simply move out of their reach, and be on my way. I told the Boyfriend that either we were finished or he could retain me as his mistress—meaning my own mistress. I even wrote down the rules—a parody of a best-selling treatise by a couple of housewives on how to lead a man to the altar. My rules led to slavery instead. THE REAL RULES 1. See each other a maximum of once a week, except in special circumstances and when it’s a mutual decision to do so. A week is defined as Monday through Sunday—hence there can be a Saturday encounter and then a Tuesday encounter but then not until the following Monday, when a new week begins. 2. One encounter is defined as any time spent together with no specific limits on hours, etc.—a late-night horny rendezvous and a weekend away both count equally as one encounter. 3. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on nonmonogamy issue. But when together, completely together—no procurements, flirtations, etc. 4. Outside issues to be carefully avoided: work, friends, and family. 5. Phone calls are for only two purposes: to plan an encounter, or, if desired, a thank-you follow-up call, postencounter. No long, in-depth discussions of any nature on the phone—not about others, not about our relationship, not about current sports events. 6.

• From The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (2007)

  I tried to stay out of way. I figured I’d die if he ran me over. But he just smiled all the time, played hard, and slapped me hard on the back. We all shot basketballs for a while. And then Coach stepped onto the court. [image "An illustration of a person with large lips and ears, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, with various annotations about their appearance and characteristics." file=image_rsrc4SX.jpg] Forty kids IMMEDIATELY stopped bouncing and shooting and talking. We were silent, SNAP, just like that. “I want to thank you all for coming out today,” Coach said. “There are forty of you. But we only have room for twelve on the varsity and twelve on the junior varsity.” I knew I wouldn’t make those teams. I was C squad material, for sure. “In other years, we’ve also had a twelve-man C squad,” Coach said. “But we don’t have the budget for it this year. That means I’m going to have to cut sixteen players today.” Twenty boys puffed up their chests. They knew they were good enough to make either the varsity or the junior varsity. The other twenty shook their heads. We knew we were cuttable. “I really hate to do this,” Coach said. “If it were up to me, I’d keep everybody. But it’s not up to me. So we’re just going to have to do our best here, okay? You play with dignity and respect, and I’ll treat you with dignity and respect, no matter what happens, okay?” We all agreed to that. “Okay, let’s get started,” Coach said. The first drill was a marathon. Well, not exactly a marathon. We had to run one hundred laps around the gym. So forty of us ran. And thirty-six of us finished. After fifty laps, one guy quit, and since quitting is contagious, three other boys caught the disease and walked off the court, too. [image "An illustration labeled ‘The Eimoutaheer Virus’ with a speech bubble saying ‘No can do.’" file=image_rsrc4SY.jpg] I didn’t understand. Why would you try out for a basketball team if you didn’t want to run? I didn’t mind. After all, that meant only twelve more guys had to be cut. I only had to be better than twelve other guys. Well, we were good and tired after that run. And then Coach immediately had us playing full-court one-on-one. That’s right. FULL-COURT ONE-ON-ONE. That was torture. Coach didn’t break it down by position. So quick guards had to guard power forwards, and vice versa. Seniors had to guard freshmen, and vice versa. All-stars had to guard losers like me, and vice versa. Coach threw me the ball and said, “Go.” So I turned and dribbled straight down the court. A mistake. Roger easily poked the ball away and raced down toward his basket. Ashamed, I was frozen. “What are you waiting for?” Coach asked me. “Play some D.” Awake, I ran after Roger, but he dunked it before I was even close.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Basketball legend Magic Johnson's What You Can Do to Avoid AIDS (Three Rivers Press) is a basic, nonthreatening book with an excellent state-by-state resources section. Videotapes on AIDS education should be available for free viewing at most public libraries. Additionally, every state has an AIDS hotline (a toll-free number) that you can call with specific concerns or questions. A list of hotlines and resource organizations, as well as basic information, can be found at www .thebody.com on the Internet. Also, there are a number of good, basic books on human sexuality. Look in the health and/or sexuality sections of any good-sized bookstore. You should be able to find reliable texts for both heterosexual and homosexual men and women, as well as books for children and adolescents. One reputable book is Changing Bodies, Changing Lives by Ruth Bell (Three Rivers Press). Although geared toward teens, this book can be useful for anyone who has not had much basic or sensible sex education. An excellent sourcebook for women is Our Bodies Ourselves for the New Century by The Boston Women's Health Book Collective (Touchstone), with chapters on online health resources, sexuality, and myriad concerns for women of all ages. Another special area of concern in relation to sexuality is that many cults are avowedly heterosexist and overtly anti-homosexual, instilling fears and irrational views. Some may even promote violence against gays, lesbians, or anyone not following the straight and narrow path set out by the cult dogma. Naturally, anyone who might be struggling with sexual identity issues in such an environment will face extraordinary challenges. For example, in my (Janja Lalich) study of gay and lesbian ex-Jehovah's Witnesses (JW), I found that because JWs are expected to literally banish all thoughts and feelings related to homosexuality, an enormous psychological burden is placed on gays and lesbians (because the control and elimination of thoughts and feelings is a near-impossible chore).' From interviews and other documentation, I found that these people live in a chronic state of guilt and shame. 3 Of course, the JWs are by no means the only religious group to promote such intolerance; many other religions, cults, and families do so as well. The stress of living in denial, of experiencing shame and confusion over having so-called satanic thoughts, of fearing excommunication and rejection of family and friends leads many to mental distress. In both adolescence and adulthood, lesbians and gays in homophobic families and homophobic religious or ethnic communities (as well as cults) are likely to feel isolated and persecuted, with sometimes dire consequences for the conflicted individual. John W., a gay former JW, recalls: I remember often times when I was, gosh, I completely forgot about this until just now. I was doing a lot of traveling by plane.... And every time I would hear about a plane crash, I would secretly wish that I had been on that plane. Yeah, so the feelings were still strong there. And I had kind of like a self-destructive mode too.

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  Nearly out of his mind, Monsieur d’Esterle raced to the emperor’s antechamber, where courtiers dallied, and poured out his shame and rage to his friends. But the courtiers could not agree that Monsieur d’Esterle had a right to be angry. According to Augustus’s biographer, “His friends afforded him what comfort they were capable of, in telling him that he had no reason to be so highly afflicted at so trifling a matter. They quoted instances from the fiction of the poets and both ancient and modern history.”16 His friends pointed out that according to ancient myth, Amphitryon was furious at discovering his wife was having an affair. But when he learned that his rival was Jupiter, king of the gods, he calmed down instantly. They reminded him that many noble Romans gave their wives for the emperors’ use. When Monsieur d’Esterle replied that his wife had slept with neither a god nor his own sovereign, the Austrian ambassador to Rome advised him, “That you may imitate the examples of those husbands we mentioned to you, enter into the Elector of Saxony’s service; and he may lie with your wife without your being obstructed by any person on that account.”17 The cuckolded husband felt so much better at the thought of lending his wife to Jupiter that he immediately wrote the elector seeking employment. Confused at such a turn of events, Augustus asked Madame d’Esterle her opinion. She was horrified at the idea of her husband returning with the elector to his court, always being in close proximity to them and in position to make trouble. She advised the elector instead to grant her husband a generous pension upon several conditions which would bestow upon her both freedom and respectability. Her husband would renounce all his marital rights, but give his name to any royal bastards his wife might bear. In return for his annual stipend, the cuckold rigorously observed the terms of this contract. Another husband who did not resist lending his wife to Jupiter was Edward Langtry, whose brilliant wife, Lillie, became the first official mistress of Edward, Prince of Wales, in 1877. Edward Langtry trailed in Lillie’s shining wake as she sailed to fame and glory, never able to catch up. When Lillie sparkled at a party, Edward sat sullenly in the corner drinking.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  I was unaware of who I was, what my values and standards were, what I believed about God and religion, and what was acceptable behavior within societal norms. I could not make decisions on a day-to-day basis about the simplest of things. I floated above my issues, being quite careful not to stir the dregs in my mind for fear of what might appear. However, being the masterful chameleon I was, to all intents and purposes, I was making it in mainstream society. Nonetheless, if I had been transparent, the entire world would have seen the inner ugliness, the self-doubt, the self-hatred, the shame, and loathsomeness I thought I was. With the help of my therapist (who is rather careful not to push me, not to impose her will, and not to tell me I must do X or Y), slowly I am coming to a kind of understanding about these experiences and, therefore, a measure of peace. I am coming to the realization that I was a victim of a totalitarian and controlling group of people, and that I survived a long-term and organized sys tem of abuse with my strong inner core intact. While I may be damaged, I realize that in spite of (or perhaps even because of) my cultic experiences, I have maintained a strong sense of self that has enabled me to survive and begin to determine my own destiny. I have begun the process of learning to trust myself, to trust my own instincts, and to trust my decisions on a day-to-day basis. As I see that my instincts and decisions for and about myself are good and right ones for me, I gain confidence in my inner convictions. I still struggle with trust. I struggle with believing that people will treat me kindly or have my best interests at heart. I am quite cautious about new relationships, new groups, and new ideas. I question everything and everyone until I am sure I am comfortable with any new situation or idea. This is both good and bad (I can clearly recognize when a group crosses the line into being harmful). Nevertheless, because of the low self-esteem that comes with being a cult survivor, I struggle with how much of my story anyone can actually bear to hear, especially a potential life partner. I still tend to hold back and not give other people the benefit of the doubt, and will always be an adept observer of others. I remain unsure how to explain my cult experience to those who have no knowledge of or insight into cults. Once I explained to my therapist that I sometimes feel as if I am in a foreign country, translating the foreign language into my native tongue and then back again so as to make myself understood. I have suffered, and continue to suffer, gaps in my memory, along with tremendous guilt about cutting off any kind of in-depth relationship with my parents for my own survival's sake.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  When I shared my “frozen khata” experience with an audience at the Environmental Protection Agency some months later, someone voiced “I wish all bosses were like that!” She longed to have a boss who could point out her mistakes while also maintaining full acceptance of her. That is a nice image to uphold, especially when thinking of the times when we are responsible for pointing out someone else’s missteps—whether those of a child or an employee. Yet how does your inner boss treat you? If you find that you boss yourself around with a harsh tone, remind yourself that there’s another, more loving way to treat yourself. As Walt Whitman reminds us, you exist as you are, and that is enough. Erika’s Story I see a powerful reminder of how self-acceptance is foundational for positivity resonance in the stories that my good friend Erika has shared with me about her experiences as an amateur musician. For the past few years, she’s enrolled in a summer camp to expand her musical abilities under the tutelage of some of her favorite professional musicians. She’d learned about this particular camp from a friend who’d attended it himself, a fellow Deadhead she’d jammed with for years. True to his forewarnings, the camp experience was not only immensely rewarding but also immensely challenging. Although she’d played guitar for years, she felt self-conscious in the presence of so many great musicians. She was sure she was among the least skilled students at camp, some of whom were actually career musicians themselves. She reinforced her insecurities by ruminating on certain facts: She’d not been classically trained; she only played a few hours each week; she’d only picked up music theory on her own; and so forth. Although she absorbed the wondrous experiences that the camp offered, she fretted periodically about how she’d be able to solo in front of all those brilliant musicians when she was called to do so. I’m sure you can recognize aspects of the classic imposter syndrome script here. We all read from it when we take up the challenge to push ourselves to the next level. The camp was designed to be a safe haven for musical exploration. Campers were encouraged to place their full trust in others and to create an encouraging and supportive atmosphere for everyone. In light of inner self-judgments, however, this is easier said than done. Any form of self-consciousness can rob you of the chance to fully immerse yourself in learning something new and can derail peak flow experiences. Erika knew that if she wanted to get the most out of this camp, she’d need to let go of her self-doubts and self-judgments. She credited her longtime meditation practice for helping her keep such thoughts at bay, and for reminding her that her ultimate goal—in both music and life—was to be ever happier, lighter, and more playful. As she described it, it took her both radical self-acceptance and radical presence to “let go” and “lighten up.”

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  This may result in members participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (e.g., lying to family or friends, or collecting money for bogus charities). ❑ The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and control members. Often this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. ❑ Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group. ❑ The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members. ❑ The group is preoccupied with making money. ❑ Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities. ❑ Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members. ❑ The most loyal members (the "true believers") feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave-or even consider leaving-the group. APPENDIX BOn Being Savvy Spiritual Consumersby Rosanne Henry and Sharon ColvinRosanne Henry, a former cult member, has been a cult educator for more than fifteen years. She works as a family therapist and cult educational consultant. Sharon Colvin is a former cult member who has been an activist in the cult-awareness movement for seven years. She has been a facilitator in several recovery workshops in Colorado. As professionals who monitor the ongoing activities of cults, we are perhaps more aware than the general public about the importance of asking questions about how groups operate. We understand that a group, community, or church may appear benign, but in fact have a hidden agenda. As cult survivors, we understand the importance of preparing people in our society not only to become savvy material consumers but also savvy spiritual consumers. Think for a moment about the amount of energy we spend researching the consumer choices we make. We spend a great deal of time searching out facts about the safest minivan to buy, the best accounting software package to get, the highest-yielding mutual fund to invest in, and the best health clubs to join. But we naively and trustingly silence our analytical powers when it comes to making our spiritual choices. We need to become equally savvy consumers before we commit too heavily to a new church, guru, or spiritual or political organization. We have compiled a "20/20 Hindsight List" of questions we wish we had asked before we got involved with our spiritual leaders and communities. We didn't demand answers to these questions because we didn't know we could. Part of the reason for this ignorance is bound up in our culture. What in our society, then, hinders us from questioning spiritual authority? Basically, we are socialized to always respect tradition and authority.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  One becomes both subject and object. I have calculated that in twenty-five years of dancing I spent approximately eighteen hundred hours performing in front of a live audience—and eighteen thousand hours practicing in front of the huge floor-to-ceiling mirrors that are a principal feature of every dance studio. This relentless and intense daily exposure has an acute effect on one’s so-called self-image. Contrary to popular supposition, it is not narcissism or vanity that is fostered by so much time spent scrutinizing oneself. Quite the opposite. We watch ourselves with eyes trained to be critical, competitive, and comparative. Yes, every now and then, the view is pleasing, beautiful, something worth looking at. But far more often it is the image of an imperfection—of body, of line, of face, of outfit, of movement. Frequently, this single flaw actually seems to obliterate all one’s efforts, even one’s entire existence. The mirror shows the impossibility of perfection. And thus a curious intimacy was born: I was constantly shaping, changing, improving, and restyling myself, while the mirror—cold and constant—sat in judgment, like God. The mirror was now jailer and savior, the source of self-contempt and yet the only source of affirmation. I was humbled before the mighty looking glass with its illusion of three dimensions in two. I submitted completely. While God felt distant, the authority of the mirror over me felt absolute. I eventually realized that, like Dorian Gray, I had relinquished my entire perception of myself to my reflection. The troublesome result of this submission to what I saw—me, but flipped—was that once onstage, where the orchestra pit and black hole of an audience replaced my own image in the mirror, I could not even feel my body move. I existed solely in the mirror; onstage I was my own shadow, a vapor. Only the next morning, back at the barre, could I find myself in the mirror and once again confirm my existence. At the age of twenty-three, while still dancing, I attempted to marry God. It was all very sudden. His father was a minister and he was a believer, and so my searching, frustrated atheist self tried to get religion the only way she could: by marrying into the family. My husband was the first man who reflected back to me an image of myself preferable to the one in the mirror. Thus I quickly transferred my dependence to his point of view. Now I existed, but differently. He adored what he saw and told me all about it; it was a lovely thing. Once again, I had good reason to suspect that I had an existence. As time went on, however, he became far less reliable to show me to myself on a daily basis.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  He said he would marry me!’She look terribly surprised; but she had also begun to look sorry, too. ‘It was this bloke blacked your eye for you, I suppose,’ she said, ‘and not a ladder, at all.’I nodded, and raised a hand to the bruise at my cheek; then I put my fingers to my hair, remembering that. ‘What a devil he was!’ I said then. ‘He was rich as anything, could do what he pleased. He saw me on my balcony, just as you did, in a pair of trousers. He -’ I blushed. ‘He used to like to make me dress up, as a boy, in a suit like a sailor...’‘Oh!’ she cried, as if she had never heard anything more awful. ‘But the wealthy ones are the worst, I swear it! Have you no family to go to?’‘They - they’ve all thrown me over, because of this business.’She shook her head at that; then grew thoughtful again, and glanced quickly at my waist. ‘You ain’t - you ain’t in trouble, are you?’ she asked quietly.‘In trouble? I -’ I couldn’t help it: it was as if she was handing me the play text, for me to read it back to her. ‘I was in trouble,’ I said, with my eyes on my lap, ‘but the gent fixed that when he beat me. It was on account of it, I think, that I was so poorly, earlier on ...’At that, there came a very queer and kind expression to her face; and she nodded, and swallowed - and I saw I had convinced her.‘If you truly have nowhere, it will not hurt, I suppose, for you to stay a night - just one night - here with us. And tomorrow I shall give you the names of some places where you might find abed...’‘Oh!’

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Ritual SexRitual sex occurs in many cultic groups. The story in Chapter 9 of the woman who was seduced by Pastor John is an example of this kind of abuse, wherein the leader uses symbols and icons related to the belief or ideology to facilitate his sexual predation. Such perverse gimmicks are witnessed in many guru-based and New Age groups, where leaders use religious trappings to ensnare their victims, as in the example below: Tapestries, icons, and works of art adorn the walls of the mansion's meditation room, known as the sanctuary. It is here that the revered Master intones "Surrender to Guru," as he gives private meditation instructions to selected pupils. Only after passing obscure tests is a disciple ready for initiation and a new name. Since the tests are never spelled out, Brenda M. never knows which test has been planned by guru to help her advance to the next spiritual level. The subtle pressure to "surrender to guru" is continually maintained during the sessions, as guru and Brenda sit closer and closer until they are entwined. Brenda knows only that she must please guru and is left to guess just how that might occur. In this way, she is led to increasing acts of sexual intimacy. In many of these cases, sex with the guru is justified as Tantric, that is, as part of the secret sexual practices of certain Buddhist or Hindu sects. But of course, enlightenment is never attained. Shame and secrecy are the only outcomes of these sessions. Like Brenda in the example above, in most instances, each disciple believes that she is the only intimate partner involved with guru, even though others are observed making their way to the sanctuary or guru's quarters. Typically the guru tells each disciple that the sexual contact is for the devotee. After all, the guru claims to be celibate, and is thereby making the ultimate sacrifice for his loyal devotee. This contorted logic creates tremendous guilt and confusion for countless abused disciples. PolygamyIn recent years, despite their secretive ways, polygamous families have been exposed for the abusive behaviors perpetrated within their communities. Some estimate that 50,000 to ioo,ooo Americans practice polygamy, but the number is probably higher because there is truly no way to make an accurate count.5 In God's Brothel, a searing indictment of polygamous behaviors that include sexual abuse of underage girls and boys, rape, incest, orgies, and violence, author and journalist Andrea Moore-Emmett explains: Within polygamy ... women are the commodity and the exchange rate, forever in competition with one another, vying for the scarce resources and attentions of their lord and master who reigns supreme over them. In polygamy, children are mere extensions of their mothers and normally are their fathers' property. With so many children, they are thought of by their fathers as a group rather than individuals.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  My chest was flat, my hair dull, my eyes a drab and an uncertain blue. My complexion, to be sure, was perfectly smooth and clear, and my teeth were very white; but these - in our family, at least - were counted unremarkable, for since we all passed our days in a miasma of simmering brine, we were all as bleached and blemishless as cuttlefish.No, girls like Alice were meant to dance upon a gilded stage, skirted in satin, hailed by cupids; and girls like me were made to sit in the gallery, dark and anonymous, and watch them.Or so, anyway, I thought then. The routine I have described - the routine of prising and bearding and cooking and serving, and Saturday-night visits to the music hall - is the one that I remember most from my girlhood ; but it was, of course, only a winter one. From May to August, when British natives must be left to spawn, the dredging smacks pull down their sails or put to sea in search of other quarry; and oyster-parlours all over England are obliged, in consequence, to change their menus or close their doors. The business that my father did between autumn and spring, though excellent enough, was not so good that he could afford to shut his shop throughout the summer and take a holiday; but, like many Whitstable families whose fortunes depended upon the sea and its bounty, there was a noticeable easing of our labours in the warmer months, a kind of shifting into a slower, looser, gayer key. The restaurant grew less busy. We served crab and plaice and turbot and herrings, rather than oysters, and the filleting was kinder work than the endless scrubbing and shelling of the winter months. We kept our windows raised, and the kitchen door thrown open; we were neither boiled alive by the steam of the cooking-pots, nor numbed and frozen by barrels of oyster-ice, as we were in winter, but gently cooled by the breezes, and soothed by the sound of fluttering canvas and ringing pulleys that drifted into our kitchen from Whitstable Bay.The summer in which I turned eighteen was a warm one, and grew warmer as the weeks advanced.

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  Meanwhile, Madame d’Etioles was using her husband’s violent reaction to urge the king to commit, to make her the official maîtresse-en-titre. Fed up with being smuggled into side doors and up secret stairs at night, she wanted her position recognized; she wanted to taste the power, to enjoy the luxuries of Versailles in all their daylight splendor. Madame d’Etioles told the king that she was in danger of an insanely jealous husband and only he could protect her. She wept copious shimmering tears into a silken handkerchief. Louis, shaken, was won over by her tears and assented to all her demands. As a sign of accepting her as maîtresse-en-titre, he created her the marquise de Pompadour. Monsieur d’Etioles was sent on a business trip to Provence in the hopes that a change of scene would dispel his grief. In 1747 the king rewarded Monsieur d’Etioles for his grudging acquiescence by giving him his uncle’s newly vacated post of farmer-general, a position that brought him the enormous income of four hundred thousand livres a year. He took as mistress a singer from the opera, Mademoiselle Raime, and lived with her in a marriage-type relationship for many years, bringing several children into the world. When offered the post of French ambassador to Constantinople, he turned it down because he would not be allowed to bring his mistress and their children and, as long as Madame de Pompadour was alive, could not remarry. In 1756 Madame de Pompadour ached for the respectability of becoming a lady-in-waiting to the queen, but her romance with the king, which had opened up such glorious possibilities, now stood in her way. The queen’s ladies were required to take Holy Communion daily, but the church forbade Madame de Pompadour the sacraments because of her previous adulterous relationship with the king and her continued estrangement from her husband. Although she had not slept with Louis for years, she was still banned from the altar. Madame de Pompadour, who had no wish to reconcile with her husband but now needed to reconcile herself with the church, followed her confessor’s instructions and wrote Monsieur d’Etioles a letter requesting him to take her back. “Already my sin has ceased,” she explained, “and all that is necessary is to end the appearance of it—something which I ardently desire. I am resolved by my future conduct to atone for my past wrongs. Take me back; you will find me anxious to edify the world by the harmony of our life as much as I scandalized it by leaving you.”13 This conscious-stricken missive was accompanied by another message informing Monsieur d’Etioles that the king would be quite irritated if he accepted Madame de Pompadour’s offer.

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  In the meantime, Fielding also married Lady Castlemaine—though unknown to her, this marriage was bigamous and illegal. Fielding soon discovered that his legal wife was not Mistress Deleau at all, but a penniless adventurer. He beat both her and the hairdresser accomplice black and blue. Meanwhile, he immediately began pocketing Lady Castlemaine’s pensions from Charles II. He began to sell off her valuable furniture and when she protested, he locked her in a room and refused to feed her until she agreed. When Lady Castlemaine told her sons, Fielding broke open her cabinet and took four hundred pounds, then beat her severely until she broke free to the open window and cried, “Murder!” Fielding then shot a blunderbuss into the street. Lady Castlemaine’s sons got a warrant for Fielding, who was taken to Newgate Prison and convicted of bigamy. But Fielding must have worked his magic on Queen Anne as well, for she pardoned him. After two years, Lady Castlemaine’s marriage was declared null. The experience with Fielding had finally ended Lady Castlemaine’s lifelong cacophony. Shortly thereafter she left London to live with her grandson. In 1709, at the age of sixty-nine, she developed dropsy, which swelled her once incomparable body into a revolting mass of flesh. Three months later she was dead. The Comforts of Religion“When women cease to be handsome, they study to be good,” said Benjamin Franklin, and he could have been talking about most royal mistresses. Many experienced religious epiphanies—rarely while still holding the title of maîtresse-en-titre, more often after their disgrace and rustication. Most women sinned at leisure, as long as they were buoyed by youth and vitality, and repented in haste, when the hand of age or illness fell heavy upon them. Many a woman hoped to win points in heaven after a sinful life, as Sir Horace Walpole put it, by “bestowing the dregs of her beauty upon Jesus Christ.”24 In 1678, when Charles II’s mistress Louise de Kéroualle felt herself dying, she “preached to the King, crucifix in hand, to detach him from women.”25 But her piety lasted just as long as her illness. Just a few days after her deathbed supplication to the king, hearing that Charles was attending the theater with her rival Hortense Mancini, Louise painted her face and dragged herself to the king’s box, where, fangs bared, she hastily reclaimed her position. She did not find God again for another forty years. We must not assume that royal mistresses neglected church duties while in office, or that religion did not call to them during their adulterous lives. Most attended daily religious services, and many were involved in charitable projects for the poor. In the 1670s Primi Visconti described two of Louis XIV’s mistresses in church, “rosary or prayer book in hand, eyes raised heaven-ward, as ecstatical as a pair of saints!”26

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  Upon her arrival at Versailles, the nobles looked down their long aristocratic noses at her and sniffed. “She is excessively common,” the comte de Maurepas wrote, “a bourgeoise out of her place, who will displace all the world if one cannot manage to displace her.”4 Similarly, the duc de Luyne scoffed, “She will probably be just a passing fancy and not a proper mistress.”5 Her enemies at court delighted in spreading word among the common people of Madame de Pompadour’s extravagance, wildly inflating the money she spent. When she set up a tiny theater in Versailles for the king’s amusement, word got out in Paris that it had cost an exorbitant sum wrung from them in the form of taxes. When she visited Paris—her childhood home and a place she far preferred to Versailles—her carriage was pelted with eggs and mud, and she was hissed and booed and even threatened with death. But it was not until Madame de Pompadour took charge of running the Seven Years’ War beginning in 1757 that she was truly reviled. Some two hundred thousand Frenchmen were killed or wounded, the national treasury was bled dry, taxes were raised. Madame de Pompadour found herself the recipient of frequent death threats, some mysteriously appearing on the mantelpiece of her apartment. The detested royal mistress slipped into a profound depression and suffered from insomnia, which she deadened with drugs. When peace was declared in 1763, France lost most of its possessions. The French people did not blame King Louis the Well-Beloved for the devastating losses, but his devilish mistress. Madame de Pompadour, whose health had never been robust, suffered greatly from the barbs and pricks of her unpopularity. “If I die,” she sighed, “it will be of grief.”6 She died the following year. Parisians greeted her death with a jeering verse: Here lies one who was twenty years a virgin, Seven years a whore, and eight years a pimp.7 [image file=image_rsrc3DE.jpg] “An indecent pitch of luxury as to insult the poverty of the people”Madame de Pompadour’s successor, Jeanne du Barry, started off her career as royal courtesan with a dreadful handicap—she had been an infamous Parisian prostitute with whom many of the king’s ministers and courtiers had had sex. To become maîtresse-en-titre, Madame du Barry had to be presented officially at court by a noblewoman. And here was the difficulty—no noblewoman would be caught dead facilitating the prostitute’s intrusion into their privileged sphere. Finally the king convinced the impoverished comtesse de Béarn to accept the job by paying off her debts and promoting her sons serving in the armed forces.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  You should be what the sensational novels call kept.’I gazed at her, then looked away - at the silken counterpane upon the bed, the japanned press, the bell-pull, the rosewood trunk .... I pictured my room at Mrs Milne’s, where I had come so close of late to real happiness; but I remembered too my growing obligations there, that had made me, more than once, uneasy. How much freer would I paradoxically be, bound to this lady - bound to lust, bound to pleasure!And yet, it was a little sickening, too, that she made such promises, so easily. I said - and again, my voice was hard - ‘And have you no fear of sensation then? You seem rather sure of me - but you know nothing about me! Don’t you worry I’ll raise a row; that I’ll tell the papers - the police - your secret?’‘And with it, your own? Oh no, Miss King. I have no fear of sensation: on the contrary, I court it! I seek out sensation! And so do you.’ She leaned closer, and fingered a lock of my hair. ‘You say I know nothing about you; but I have watched you upon the streets, remember. How coolly you pose and wander and flirt! Did you think you could play at Ganymede, for ever? Did you think, if you wore a silken cock, it meant you never had a cunt at the seam of your drawers?’ Her face was very close to my own; she would not let me turn my eyes from hers. She said: ‘You’re like me: you have shown it, you are showing it now! It is your own sex for which you really hunger! You thought, perhaps, to stifle your own appetites: but you have only made them swell the more! And that is why you won’t raise a row - why you still stay, and be my tart, as I desire.’ She gave my hair a cruel twist. ‘Admit that it is as I say!’‘It is!’For it was, it was! What she said was the truth: she had found out all my secrets; she had shown me to myself. Not just with the fierce words of that moment, but with all - the kisses, the caresses, the fuck on the chair - that had made her say them; and I was glad! I had loved Kitty - I would always love Kitty. But I had lived with her a kind of queer half-life, hiding from my own true self.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  If your group was openly critical and demeaning, you may have become so accustomed to being criticized that you may hear the group, leader, or abusive partner in your head still berating you or giving orders. If your group was more subtle, managing to imbue you with fervent, internalized perfectionism, you might assume that the critical voices you hear are entirely your own. They're not. Silence those voices by literally saying, "No! Go away!" Acknowledge something you achieved and take full credit for it, even if it was simply getting out of bed when you just didn't feel like it. Write it down in your journal. These small daily accomplishments will grow, specifically once you take written notice of them. Soon you will see actual progress as you review your diary. The flip side of feeling like a failure because you left the cult is feeling like a failure for having been there at all. When people realize and accept the fact that they have been in a cult, sometimes they blame themselves for not having left sooner. Self-education is key to getting rid of these thoughts. As you begin to recognize the systems of influence and control used in your cult, you will understand why it was difficult to leave. People, even complete strangers, may ask you why you didn't leave sooner or right away. (Refer to the section on this topic in Chapter 2.) It may be helpful to write an essay answering that question. Focus on the precise persuasive tactics and control mechanisms used in your group, as well as the emotional dynamics that kept you there. Being able to explain this to yourself (and others in time) will be a great relief. Guilt and ShameWe experience guilt and shame when our thoughts or behaviors run counter to society's norms or our own feelings about what is right and wrong (our personal value system). In the cult, your prior beliefs and value system may have been dismissed, discounted, distorted, or reversed.

• From Less (2017)

  “We hardly got a look at him. I recall…” And here Finley’s voice takes on an old-movie flourish: “Red glasses! Curly hair! Is he with you?” “No. He wasn’t really with me then. He’d just always wanted to go to Paris.” Finley says nothing but keeps a crooked little smile. Then he looks at Less’s clothes, and he begins to frown. “Where did you—” “Where did they send you? I don’t remember,” Less says. “Was it Marseille?” “No, Corsica! It was so warm and sunny. The people were welcoming, and of course it helped I speak French. I ate nothing but seafood. Where did they put you?” “I held the Maginot Line.” Finley sips from his glass and says, “And what brings you to Paris now?” Why is everyone so curious about little Arthur Less? When had he ever occurred to any of them before? He has always felt insignificant to these men, as superfluous as the extra a in quaalude. “Just traveling. I’m going around the world.” “Le tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours,” Finley murmurs, peering up at the ceiling. “Do you have a Passepartout?” Less answers: “No. I’m alone. I’m traveling alone.” He looks down at his glass and sees it is empty. It occurs to Less that he himself might be drunk. But there is no question Finley Dwyer is. Steadying himself against the bookcase, he looks straight at Less and says, “I read your last book.” “Oh good.” His head lowers, and Less can now see his eyes above the glasses. “What luck to run into you here! Arthur, I want to say something. May I say something?” Less braces himself as one does against a rogue wave. “Did you ever wonder why you haven’t won awards?” Finley asks. “Time and chance?” “Why the gay press doesn’t review your books?” “They don’t?” “They don’t, Arthur. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed. You’re not in the cannon.” Less is about to say he feels very much in the cannon, picturing the human cannonball’s wave to the audience before he drops out of view, the minor novelist about to turn fifty—then realizes the man has said “canon.” He is not in the canon. “What canon?” is all he manages to sputter. “The gay canon. The canon taught at universities. Arthur”—Finley is clearly exasperated—“Wilde and Stein and, well, frankly, me.” “What’s it like in the canon?” Less is still thinking cannon. He decides to head Finley off at the pass: “Maybe I’m a bad writer.” Finley waves this idea away, or perhaps it is the salmon croquettes a waiter is offering. “No. You’re a very good writer. Kalipso was a chef d’oeuvre. So beautiful, Arthur. I admired it a lot.” Now Less is stumped. He probes his weaknesses. Too magniloquent? Too spoony? “Too old?” he ventures. “We’re all over fifty, Arthur. It’s not that you’re—” “Wait, I’m still—” “—a bad writer.” Finley pauses for effect. “It’s that you’re a bad gay.”