Shame

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  Nothing is commoner than the remark that Man differs from lower creatures by the almost total absence of instincts, and the assumption of their work in him by 'reason.' A fruitless discussion might be waged on this point by two theorizers who were careful not to define their terms. 'Reason' might be used, as it often has been, since Kant, not as the mere power of 'inferring,' but also as a name for the tendency to obey impulses of a certain lofty sort, such as duty, or universal ends. And 'instinct ' might have its significance so broadened as to cover all impulses whatever, even the impulse to act from the idea of a distant fact, as well as the impulse to act from a present sensation. Were the word instinct used in this broad way, it would of course be impossible to restrict it, as we began by doing, to actions done with no prevision of an end. We must of course avoid a quarrel about words, and the facts of the case are really tolerably plain. Man has a far greater variety of impulses than any lower animal; and any one of these impulses, taken in itself, is as 'blind' as the lowest instinct can be; but, owing to man's memory, power of reflection, and power of inference, they come each one to be felt by him, after he has once yielded to them and experienced their results, in connection with a foresight of those results. In this condition an impulse acted out may be said to be acted out, in pert at least, for the sake of its results. It is obvious that every instinctive act, in an animal with memory, must cease to be 'blind' after being once repeated , and must be accompanied with foresight of its 'end' just so far as that end may have fallen under the animal's cognizance. An insect that lays her eggs in a place where she never sees them hatched must always do so 'blindly;' but a hen who has already hatched a brood can hardly be assumed to sit with perfect 'blindness' on her second nest. Some expectation of consequences must in every case like this be aroused; and this expectation, according as it is that of something desired or of something disliked, must necessarily either reinforce or inhibit the mere impulse. The hen's idea of the chickens would probably encourage her to sit; a rat's memory, on, the other hand, of a former escape from a trap would neutralize his impulse to take bait from anything that reminded him of that trap. If a boy sees a fat hopping-toad, he probably has incontinently an impulse (especially if with other boys) to smash the creature with a stone, which impulse we may suppose him blindly to obey. But something in the expression of the dying toad's clasped hands suggests the meanness of the act, or reminds him of sayings he has heard about the sufferings of animals being like his own; so that, when next he is tempted by a toad, an idea arises which, far from spurring him again to the torment, prompts kindly actions, and may even make him the toad's champion against less reflecting boys.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Yet traumatic secrets crave the light of day almost as much as they shrink from it. Years or decades after the original trauma, particularly when the person’s psychological resources have grown stronger, inner pressure builds to reclaim the truth, no matter how painful. Some may be taunted by visual images that flash in and out of consciousness. For others, certain smells, sounds, tastes, or emotions are memory catalysts.2 Sometimes the subconscious uses the symbolic language of dreams to nudge necessary but unwanted material closer to awareness. Nowadays public disclosures by celebrities and others also serve as memory triggers. In the midst of our therapy, Regina’s memory was jolted while she was watching a group of women on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” who had been abused as children. As each guest told her story Regina felt sorry for her yet strangely detached. “I was wondering what to make for dinner or some such nonsense,” she explained, “when suddenly a woman’s voice grabbed me as if someone cranked up the volume full blast. She was complaining about how her mother had refused to listen when she tried to tell her that a family friend was putting his hand inside her panties after school. I became instantly enraged and shouted at the top of my lungs, ‘Believe her, goddamn you!’” Over a period of many months, Regina told me, the members of her group, and her closest friends the truth she had not wanted to know but always had: the man she had called Daddy had seen her as little more than a sex object. Beginning when Regina was six or seven he would slip into her room when her mother was nursing on the night shift. For a few moments he would stroke her hair and tell her in a soothing voice how sweet she was. She loved his affection, his strength, and the warmth of his caress; the attention made her feel special. But she soon learned to associate these good feelings with the terror that would inevitably follow. He would remove her pajamas and his own, and his gentle touches would turn cold and hard. Instead of caressing her, he would grope her roughly, including between her legs, jabbing his penis against her. She wanted to scream out but instead would repeat in her mind, “Daddy loves me, Daddy loves me,” over and over and over until the pain subsided. She would “go away” until she fell asleep. When she awoke the next morning she could barely remember anything except for the aching shame that was with her always. These episodes continued until she was about twelve, when she began protesting more vigorously. Perhaps he feared she would tell, or perhaps as she entered puberty she became less interesting as a sex object, or perhaps he found someone else to molest. Whatever stopped the abuse, shortly thereafter she became a seductress—not an altogether surprising development.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  The aspiration is to glory, or a t least to avoid shame and dishonour , which would make life unbearabl e and non-existence seem pre fer able. For those who define the good as self-mastery through reason, the aspiration is to be able to order their lives, and the unbearable threat is of being engulfed and degraded by the irresistible craving for lower things. For those moved by one of the modern forms of the affirmation of ordinary l i fe, it is above all important to see oneself as moved by and furthering this life, in one's work for insta nce, and one's family. People for whom meaning is given to life by expression must see themselves as bringing their poten t ial to expression, if not in on e of the recognized ar tistic or intellectual media, then perhaps in the shape of their lives themselves. And so on. I am suggesting that we see all these diverse aspirations as forms of a craving which is ineradicable from human life. We have to be rightly pl a ced in relation to the good. This ma y not be very obtrusive in our lives if things go well and if by and la r ge we are satisfied with where we are. The believer in reason whose life is in order, the householder (I am t alking of course abou t someone with a certain moral ideal, not the census category) who senses the fulness and richness of his family life as his children grow up and his life is filled with their nurture and achievement, thes e may be quite unaware of this aspiration as such, may be impatient or contemptuous of those whose lives are made tempestuous and restless by it. But this is only b ec ause the sense of valu e and meaning is well integrated into wha t t hey live. The householde r 's sense of the value of what I have been calling ordinary life is woven throu gh the emotions and concerns of his everyday existence. I t is what gives them their richness and depth. At the other extreme, there are peo p le whose lives are torn apa rt b y th is c raving. They see themselves, over against the master of hims elf, as in the gri p of l ower drives, their lives disordered and soiled by their base atta chmen ts. Or they have ·a sense of impotence: 'I can' t get i t to gether, can' t s hake t h a t h abit (hold a regular job, etc.)'. Or even a s e nse of being e vil: 'I can ' t The Self in Moral Space • 4 5 s o m eh o w help hu r ting them badl y, even though they love me.

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  My personal belief is pornography does a lot more harm than it does good. I think it undermines relationships. I think it makes both men and women feel like they don't quite measure up. I don't believe that pornography is making the world a better place. -But don't you think- -I really don't. -The way I think about it is, where for some people it's an amazing way- -And other people, it's take it or leave it, yeah. -And it enhances relationships. -Yeah. -And in some people it destroys relationships. -Yeah, yeah. -'Cause I will say, I've had relationships where we did enjoy porn and it provided an outlet for us to talk about our fantasies. You know, and it opens up a dialogue. -Yeah. -And it's dependent on the person to know themself well enough to be able to know if porn is good or bad for the. I mean, can you see at least the possibility? -No, I understand and I've- [Alex] That porn could be good for some couples? [Sen. Weiler] I've talked to couples who say, hey, porn is enriching in our sex life. And I'm just telling you my own biases. There's something seriously wrong. [laughs] OK. Now, we may disagree on that. So I'm not anti-sex, I'm not anti-nudity. I actually love to see my wife naked. But the fact that matter is, is I don't think that pornography makes me a better husband. I don't think it makes me a better father. And, and, and... But I don't expect you to have that same bias. I'm not trying to force that belief on you. -All right, and I'll try my best not to enforce mine. But I still feel like I could find porn that maybe will work for you for you and your wife. -Well, yeah. -[laughs] That is my bias. [Alex] Even though we might disagree about the joys of porn I do understand Senator Weiler's concerns. Because if my porn searches were real life, many would be ethically challenged at best and land someone in prison at worst. To get an idea of how screwed up I am, I visited Dr. Laurie Betito. As a sex therapist and syndicated radio host, she's helped thousands of people anxious about their fantasies. -Oftentimes we're taught kind of not to explore our sexuality -To try to increase pleasure, right? The world is hard enough. -Is hard enough, yeah. -We should, the one thing- -Responsible pleasure, right? -Yeah, yeah. -You have to be responsible about it. -I do have a lot of sexual thoughts that I am like, oh, that doesn't seem right. Like, it's a taboo. It's like, I probably have watched a lot of like stepdad porn, you know? -Okay, right. -You know, maybe it's a violent fantasy in real life. I don't think I would want to do it, but I kind of feel aroused by it. You know, should I be ashamed of those thoughts? -They're just thoughts.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  This was the idea of poetical composition, at which Alfieri describes his first attempts, made under these diseased circumstances, and goes on: "The only good that occurred to me from this whim was that of gradually detaching me from love, and of awakening my reason which had so long lain dormant. I no longer found it necessary to cause myself to be tied with cords to a chair, in order to prevent me from leaving my house and returning to that of my lady. This had been one of the expedients I devised to render myself wise by force. The cords were concealed under a large mantle in which I was enveloped, and only one hand remained at liberty. Of all those who came to see me, not one suspected I was bound down in this manner. I remained in this situation for whole hours; Elias, who was my jailer, was alone intrusted with the secret. He always liberated me, as he had been enjoined, whenever the paroxysms of my rage subsided. Of all the whimsical methods which I employed, however, the most curious was that of appearing in masquerade at the theatre towards the end of the carnival. Habited as Apollo, I ventured to present myself with a lyre, on which I played as well as I was able and sang some bad verses of my own composing. Such effrontery was diametrically opposite to my natural character. The only excuse I can offer for such scenes was my inability to resist an imperious passion. I felt that it was necessary to place an insuperable barrier between its object and me; and I saw that the strongest of all was the shame to which I should expose myself by renewing an attachment which I had so publicly turned into ridicule." [492] Often the insistent idea is of a trivial sort, but it may wear the patient's life out. His hands feel dirty, they must be washed. He knows they are not dirty; yet to get rid of the teasing idea he washes them. The idea, however, returns in a moment, and the unfortunate victim, who is not in the least deluded intellectually, will end by spending the whole day at the wash-stand. Or his clothes are not 'rightly' put on; and to banish the thought he takes them off and puts them on again, till his toilet consumes two or three hours of time.

• From The Great Transformation (2006)

  As the epic was set in the heroic age, none of these men were ordinary mortals; they were demigods, with supernormal powers. When the Pandavas rode into battle, for example, their chariots did not touch the earth. Warriors were not subject to the same constraints as the human beings of our own debased Kali Yuga; and Bhishma and Drona, who led the Kaurava troops, could not be killed by regular means. They had inflicted so many casualties on the Pandavas’ army that the brothers despaired of victory. The future of the world hung in the balance, because if Yudishthira failed to achieve sovereignty, the divine order would be hopelessly violated. At this terrible moment, Krishna stepped in with advice that filled the brothers with dismay. The Pandavas knew and respected the generals, who were men of outstanding courage and honor. When they were boys, Bhishma had initiated the Pandavas into the kshatriya code and the martial arts. He was a perfect warrior, famous for his scrupulous truthfulness. Drona had taught the Pandavas archery and chariot driving and, as a Brahmin, was a devoutly religious man. Neither would dream of lying or breaking an oath, and they would find it impossible to believe that Yudishthira, son of Dharma, would lie or try to exploit them. And yet this was what Krishna, in two successive councils of war, advised him to do. Yudishthira, he argued, must trap Bhishma into revealing, with his habitual scrupulous veracity, the only way that it was possible to kill him. And he must tell Drona a foul lie, informing him that his son Aswatthaman had been killed, so that, in the midst of the battle, Drona would lay down his weapons and make himself vulnerable to attack. When Krishna outlined these stratagems in all their shabby detail, the Pandava brothers were horrified. Burning with grief and shame, Arjuna, the greatest warrior of them all, refused at first to take any part in Krishna’s scheme. Krishna had told him that he would have to steal up on Bhishma, hiding behind another warrior, who, to add insult to injury, had been a woman in a past life! Arjuna was the son of Indra: How could he possibly behave in such a way? But Krishna pointed out that Arjuna had made a solemn vow to kill Bhishma, and this was the only way he could keep his word. How could the son of Indra break a sacred oath?

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  To me that feels like really gross and shameful. -Yeah, yeah, I agree with you that there are some behaviors that as a society we agree are not okay, especially if they infringe on somebody else's rights or they hurt somebody else. But I worry a little bit that when we shame people those feelings, those desires, they don't disappear. They go inward. What I would much rather do is talk about things without shaming somebody 'cause when we shame people they don't share what their problems are. They get alienated and isolate, and then sometimes those behaviors end up coming out and hurting somebody even worse. -I'm wondering, you know, what advice do you have around how to actually think critically for the first time in my life about sex and sexuality? -So I think you're starting just when you're saying, I'm trying to talk to as many people as possible. The more people that we can talk to about different ways of living your life, different ways of being in the world, whether that has to do with gender, sexuality, and orientation and who you're attracted to or just the kind of life that you have, what makes you happy? The more varied models that you have for that, the easier it is for you to be okay with your own path. [Alex] So to get over my sexual hangups, Dr. Medoff prescribes hearing different perspectives. To ease my way in, I'll start at my one true safe space, brunch with friends. [Ken] There was a girl that I lived in a suite with in college and we would have all gather outside of her door- [group laughing] 'Cause she would say, "Oh yeah, circle it, daddy, circle it! [group laughing] Yeah, circle it!" And we'd all be sitting there like, what does that mean? [group laughing] Oh yeah, circle it. -What would you guys say to the biases of American culture that you guys experience? -Sex is at the same time shameful and the thing that we should be most focused on. -[laughs] Yeah. [group laughing] -Working with patients around this stuff and women come in and I'm about to do a pap smear or pelvic exam for whatever reason and they apologize for not having shaved. And every time I'm so sad. -Do men apologize as well for different- -It's like bushy down there. -I've never had a man apologize for that. Apologized once, "Oh, it's smaller than normal." But no, never for like the way they're groomed. And women it's all the time. -It's just kind of striking, but also a little bit sad the degree to which kind of lie that shame exists for people in a way that I've never had to deal with it. And you know, I'm a Black gay man who grew up in the South.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  A positive proof of the theory would, on the other hand, be given if we could find a subject absolutely anæsthetic inside and out, but not paralytic, so that emotion-inspiring objects might evoke the usual bodily expressions from him, but who, on being consulted, should say that no subjective emotional affection was felt. Such a man would be like one who, because he eats, appears to bystanders to be hungry, but who afterwards confesses that he had no appetite at all. Cases like this are extremely hard to find. Medical literature contains reports, so far as I know, of but three. In the famous one of Remigius Leins no mention is made by the reporters of his emotional condition. In Dr. G. Winter's case[419] the patient is said to be inert and phlegmatic, but no particular attention, as I learn from Dr. W., was paid to his psychic condition. In the extraordinary case reported by Professor Strumpell (to which I must refer later in another connection)[420] we read that the patient, a shoemaker's apprentice of fifteen, entirely anæsthetic, inside and out, with the exception of one eye and one ear, had shown shame on the occasion of soiling his bed, and grief, when a formerly favorite dish was set before him, at the thought that he could no longer taste its flavor. Dr. Strumpell is also kind enough to inform me that he manifested surprise, fear, and anger on certain occasions. In observing him, however, no such theory as the present one seems to have been thought of; and it always remains possible that, just as he satisfied his natural appetites and necessities in cold blood, with no inward feeling, so his emotional expressions may have been accompanied by a quite cold heart.[421] Any new case which turns up of generalized anæsthesia ought to be carefully examined as to the inward emotional sensibility as distinct from the 'expressions' of emotion which circumstances may bring forth. Objections Considered. Let me now notice a few objections. The replies will make the theory still more plausible. First Objection. There is no real evidence, it may be said, for the assumption that particular perceptions do produce wide-spread bodily effects by a sort of immediate physical influence, antecedent to the arousal of an emotion or emotional idea?

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  But is this so? The facts are just the reverse: the sexual instinct is particularly liable to be checked and modified by slight differences in the individual stimulus, by the inward condition of the agent himself, by habits once acquired, and by the antagonism of contrary impulses operating on the mind. One of these is the ordinary shyness recently described; another is what might be called the anti- sexual instinct, the instinct of personal isolation, the actual repulsiveness to us of the idea of intimate contact with most of the persons we meet, especially those of our own sex. [410] Thus it comes about that this strongest passion of all, so far from being the most 'irresistible,' may, on the contrary, be the hardest one to give rein to and that individuals in whom the inhibiting influences are potent may pass through life and never find an occasion to have it gratified. There could be no better proof of the truth of that proposition with which we began our study of the instinctive life in man, that irregularity of behavior may come as well from the possession of too many instincts as from the lack of any at all. The instinct of personal isolation, of which we have spoken, exists more strongly in men with respect to one another, and more strongly in women with respect to men. In women it is called coyness, and has to be positively overcome by a process of wooing before the sexual instinct inhibits it and takes its place. As Darwin has shown in his book on the 'Descent of Man and Sexual Selection,' it has played a vital part in the amelioration of all higher animal types, and is to a great degree responsible for whatever degree of chastity the human race may show. It illustrates strikingly, however, the law of the inhibition of instincts by habits—for, once broken through with a given person, it is not apt to assert itself again; and habitually broken through, as by prostitutes, with various persons, it may altogether decay.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  'This odd state of mind," says Darwin,[405] " is chiefly recognized by the face reddening, by the eyes being averted or cast down, and by awkward, nervous movements of the body....Shyness seems to depend on sensitiveness to the opinion, whether good or bad, of others, more especially with respect to external appearance. Strangers neither know nor care anything about our conduct or character, but they may, and often do, criticise our appearance....The consciousness of anything peculiar, or even new, in the dress, or any slight blemish on the person, and more especially on the face—points which are likely to attract the attention of strangers—makes the shy intolerably shy.[406] On the other hand, in those cases in which conduct, and not personal appearance, is concerned, we are much more apt to be shy in the presence of acquaintances whose judgment we in some degree value than in that of strangers....Some persons, however, are so sensitive that the mere act of speaking to almost any one is sufficient to rouse their self-consciousness, and a slight blush is the result. Disapprobation...causes shyness and blushing much more readily than does approbation....Persons who are exceedingly shy are rarely shy in the presence of those with whom they are quite familiar, and of whose good opinion and sympathy they are quite assured; for instance, a girl in presence of her mother....Shyness... is closely related to fear; yet it is distinct from fear in the ordinary sense. A shy man dreads the notice of strangers, but can hardly be said to be afraid of them; he may be as bold as a hero in battle, and yet hare no self-confidence about trifles in the presence of strangers. Almost every one is extremely nervous when first addressing a public assembly, and most men remain so through their lives."

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  There's plenty of things that I feel shame around, but I had that bubble around me of like, the way in which my mother just engaged in these topics with me in a way that I think is just much more healthy. And literally, I was looking at an apartment and she was just like, "Oh, the bathroom is too far away. How are you gonna clean yourself off after you have sex?" [laughing] Like, so I grew up in this world where for me, sex has always been something that wasn't shameful. -You know, my sexual learning education came from television, watching HBO late night. [static blares] [warm hum resounds] Like, you know, sneaking into the living room. [upbeat instrumental music] You know, like, God, I hope my mother doesn't find out that I'm watching this stuff. And that was like the first time I was just like, oh, what is she doing? What is she doing to her thing down there? Oh, let me check that out. [laughter] And I was like, oh shit! I was like, that's when I realized I was like, wait, women could have this feeling. And I was probably already in my 20s or like late teens when I figured that out. -I also feel like, especially starting in college being open about talking about masturbation. And all of my friends know the way I masturbate, the positions I masturbate in and like what I do. That's just kind of like common knowledge, wouldn't you say? [group laughing] And I feel like part of that was me being like, hey, men talk about masturbating all the time. And I had so many girlfriends who said, "Oh, I never masturbate, I don't know how." And I had to be like, "A, I don't believe you and you're lying 'cause who hasn't touched themselves?" Like, you have hands, you have a clit. But I felt like it was my responsibility to talk about me masturbating all the time to say, hey, women are sexual beings, too. And like, we masturbate also and make room for this. -And one other thing I also want to answer is this question of like, can you actually have education that prepares you for sex, right? -Good sex education would take away the shame element and talk about communication and desire and what that means, you know, and consent. -It's such a strange time to just leave adolescents alone in their bedrooms because it's of primary importance to them and nobody is helping them figure it out. The thing that I'm learning about sex as an adult is really more than intimacy and how to be intimate with somebody. [Danielle] Yeah. -And that's the thing I don't talk to my friends about. We don't talk about the difference between having sex with someone you love, someone who you just met.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  In Regina both the power and the vulnerability of the human psyche are clear. Her CET was a stroke of genius through which she nurtured a kernel of self-respect. Unfortunately, because her eroticism revolved around the belief that it was her place to be exploited by men, her heroic attempts at self-affirmation continually brought her back to feeling used for sex and then cast aside. But then, with no conscious idea of what she was doing, she had made a suicidal gesture and thus initiated a series of events that ultimately exposed her inner wound and unlocked the healing power of the truth. WERE YOU ABUSED?As you can see, the most profoundly damaging core beliefs develop in response to severe abuse—emotional, physical, or sexual—as a child or adolescent. For healing to begin, it is necessary to piece together the details of exactly what took place, and then to tell the unvarnished truth to at least one other person. Telling one’s story solidifies its reality. Emotional abuse, such as constant demeaning put-downs, is more easily denied than sexual abuse. I’ve known people who were regularly threatened, chastised, or even severely beaten yet believed that these assaults were merely discipline. Growing up in such an environment makes it difficult to know what “normal” is. Some people try to forget about terrible childhoods and move on. They fail to recognize that to move beyond a trauma they must come to terms with it, which is impossible if the facts remain a blur. Once you know what happened and how it affected your beliefs and expectations, you can claim responsibility for your present choices, repair some of the damage to your self-esteem, and learn how to give yourself the respect and nurturance you deserve. There are, however, potential perils involved in letting out memories of past abuse. As memories grow clearer some people become overwhelmed by depression, fear, rage, or despair. For the first time they feel the full impact of the self-loathing that is a byproduct of their mistreatment. Some even become suicidal. That’s why it’s crucial to have the support of friends and loved ones, and perhaps professional assistance as well. Another danger is that the person may find a paradoxical sense of comfort or meaning in the role of victim. More than a few people cling to the belief that they must remain forever helpless and therefore unwittingly perpetuate their own abuse. They continue to suffer needlessly until they realize that victimization is not an identity to be embraced but a harsh legacy to be recalled and overcome.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Your CET begins its long evolution during childhood and is first sketched out in fantasies and daydreams you probably don’t remember. Because these early images almost certainly grew out of impulses and interests considered inappropriate for children, they were veiled in secrecy. Even now you probably still keep certain ultra-personal turn-ons—those that spring from your CET—hidden from other people and quite possibly even from yourself.3 To whatever extent you feel comfortable, take the risk of exploring your CET. Its significance is so vast that even small discoveries about it can be highly revealing and useful. At the most fundamental level, your CET is an amazingly efficient shorthand encapsulating crucial lessons about which people, situations, and images tend to evoke your most forceful genital and psychic responses. The CET, however, is far more than a mere checklist of what and who turns you on. Its extraordinary power arises from the fact that it links today’s compelling turn-ons with crucial challenges and difficulties from your past. Hidden within your CET is a formula for transforming unfinished emotional business from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure. The same peak turn-ons that have already yielded so much information about the inner workings of your eroticism are also rich with clues about your CET. As you ponder an exciting experience, looking beyond the captivating details and thrilling sensations, try to see why these experiences were so exciting. Look closely enough and you’ll undoubtedly find subtle reminders of one or more of your most vexatious problems. Although it may seem illogical that exciting sex should have anything to do with life’s unresolved struggles, one of the most important insights you can have about the erotic mind is that high states of arousal flow from the tension between persistent problems and triumphant solutions. You can enjoy sex without giving any thought to your CET. In most cases the scripts and themes that guide erotic life perform their functions subconsciously. In fact, some people have told me in no uncertain terms that they prefer not to know about the deeper meanings of their hottest turn-ons. I’ve noticed, however, that those who study their CETs consistently develop a new level of respect for their eroticism and a greater ability to understand and influence their sexual choices. This chapter is designed so you can choose the level of awareness that feels most comfortable. You may read it either as an examination of other people’s sexual quirks and eccentricities or as an opportunity to look more closely at your own. I suggest you do both. SEXUAL HEALINGEven though your eroticism subtly reflects the challenges you faced while growing up, when you’re caught up in the thrill of escalating arousal and orgasm you aren’t consciously thinking about these problems; your attention is riveted on the pleasures of the moment. The fact that you are excited shows that your CET is working. After all, the purpose of your CET is to use old wounds and conflicts as aphrodisiacs.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  With a dull serrated kitchen knife, Regina had etched a cross-hatch of jagged cuts on her left arm and wrist. Her roommate found Regina sitting at the kitchen table, still holding the knife, with blood oozing in zigzag trails down to her fingertips and tears streaming down her face. Doctors at the emergency room said she was lucky; the cuts were superficial. Regina insisted that despite appearances she wasn’t really trying to kill herself. Yet she was unable to give an alternative explanation for her behavior. Those who knew her were amazed. A twenty-two-year-old college junior with decent grades, an active social life, and a small circle of close friends, she seemed perfectly normal. But now that the enormity of her unspoken distress was out in the open, she was eager for help. The next day she began individual therapy with me and soon joined a women’s group as well. During our first meeting she stared vacantly into space and spoke in a flat, emotionless voice—not surprising, considering her ordeal of the previous day. What did surprise me was that she was wearing a see-through blouse, and that even in her trancelike state her postures and movements seemed calculated for maximum seductive effect. I learned that Regina’s mother, a nurse who was struggling to put her through college, had caught the first plane to be with her. I also learned that her father had died when she was a little girl, that her mother had remarried when Regina was four, and had divorced her second husband when Regina was a teenager. “What a jerk!” was all she would say about her stepfather, but she declared it with bitter conviction. She was truly dumbfounded by her self-mutilation. She had imagined cutting herself before but never seriously thought she’d go through with it. I explained that hurting oneself physically is often a means of dulling a more severe emotional pain. She nodded but veered off in a new direction. “The strange thing is,” she said, “I’ve been doing pretty good lately. I’m dating this really nice guy who treats me like a lady.” She explained that most of her boyfriends had wanted her only for sex. “Not that I didn’t want it too,” she added, assuming an even more seductive pose. I was being tested. During our next meeting I invited her to use our sessions to discuss whatever was important to her, including sexuality. I emphasized that she and I would only meet during scheduled therapy sessions and never have any form of sexual contact. Almost immediately she shifted to a more natural posture and allowed her eyes to meet mine comfortably for the first time.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  It is not pain, it is not death, that I dread,—it is the hatred of a man; there is something in it so shocking that I would rather submit to any injury than incur or increase the hatred of a man by revenging it. . . . Another sufficient reason for suicide is that I was this morning out of temper with Mrs. Douglas (for no fault of hers). I did not betray myself in the least, but I reflected that to be exposed to the possibility of such an event once a year, was evil enough to render life intolerable. The disgrace of using an impatient word is to me overpowering." (Elton Hammond, quoted in Henry Crabb Robinson's Diary, vol. I. p. 424.) [574] Compare H. Sidgwick, Methods of Ethics, bk. III. chap. XIII. §3. [575] A gentleman told me that he had a conclusive argument for opening the Harvard Medical School to women. It was this: "Are not women human?"—which major premise of course had to be granted. "Then are they not entitled to all the rights of humanity?" My friend said that he had never met anyone who could successfully meet this reasoning. [576] You reach the Mephistophelian point of view as well as the point of view of justice by treating cases as if they belonged rigorously to abstract classes. Pure rationalism, complete immunity from prejudice, consists in refusing to see that the case before one is absolutely unique. It is always possible to treat the country of one's nativity, the house of one's fathers, the bed in which one's mother died, nay, the mother herself if need be, on a naked equality with all other specimens of so many respective genera. It shows the world in a clear frosty light from which all fuliginous mists of affection, all swamp-lights of sentimentality, are absent. Straight and immediate action becomes easy then—witness a Napoleon's or a Frederick's career. But the question always remains, "Are not the mists and vapors worth retaining?" The illogical refusal to treat certain concretes by the mere law of their genus has made the drama of human history. The obstinate insisting that tweedledum is not tweedledee is the bone and marrow of life. Look at the Jews and the Scots, with their miserable factions and sectarian disputes, their loyalties and patriotisms and exclusions,—their annals now become a classic heritage, because men of genius took part and sang in them. A thing is important if any one think it important. The process of history consists in certain folks becoming possessed of the mania that certain special things are important infinitely, whilst other folks cannot agree in the belief.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  "Contemptible in my own eyes, I fell into such a state of melancholy as would, if long continued, inevitably have led to insanity or death. I continued to wear my disgraceful fetters till towards the end of January, 1775, when my rage, which had hitherto so often been restrained within bounds, broke forth with the greatest violence. On returning one evening from the opera (the most insipid and tiresome amusement in Italy), where I had passed several hours in the box of the woman who was by turns the object of my antipathy and my love, I took the firm determination of emancipating myself forever from her yoke. Experience had taught me that flight, so far from enabling me to persevere in my resolutions, tended on the contrary to weaken and destroy them; I was inclined therefore to subject myself to a still more severe trial, imagining from the obstinacy and peculiarity of my character that I should succeed most certainly by the adoption of such measures as would compel me to make the greatest efforts. I determined never to leave the house, which, as I have already said, was exactly opposite that of the lady; to gaze at her windows, to see her go in and out every day, to listen to the sound of her voice, though firmly resolved that no advances on her part, either direct or indirect, no tender remembrances, nor in short any other means which might be employed, should ever again tempt me to a revival of our friendship. I was determined to die or liberate myself from my disgraceful thraldom. In order to give stability to my purpose, and to render it impossible for me to waver without the imputation of dishonor, I communicated my determination to one of my friends, who was greatly attached to me, and whom I highly esteemed. He had lamented the state of mind into which I had fallen, but not wishing to give countenance to my conduct, and seeing the impossibility of inducing me to abandon it, he had for some time ceased to visit at my house. In the few lines which I addressed to him, I briefly stated the resolution I had adopted, and as a pledge of my constancy I sent him a long tress of my ugly red hair. I had purposely caused it to be cut off in order to prevent my going out, as no one but clowns and sailors then appeared in public with short hair. I concluded my billet by conjuring him to strengthen and aid my fortitude by his presence and example. Isolated in this manner in my own house, I prohibited all species of intercourse, and passed the first fifteen days in uttering the most frightful lamentations and groans. Some of my friends came to visit me, and appeared to commiserate my situation, perhaps because I did not myself complain; but my figure and whole appearance bespoke my sufferings. Wishing to read something I had recourse to the gazettes, whole pages of which I frequently ran over without understanding a single word. . . I passed more than two months till the end of March 1775, in a state bordering on frenzy; but about this time a new idea darted into my mind, which tended to assuage my melancholy."

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  Immediately after orgasm I'd feel like a depraved pervert. And back then I believed a pervert was one of the worst things you could be. But I just. Couldn't. Stop. Each ejaculation became a sickening secret. I agonized that my parents would eventually discover I was a filthy degenerate. So I lied to them. I pushed my mom dad away, but that just made me feel more guilty and alone. It's still embarrassing to admit I masturbate. But why? Because aren't we all masturbators? I'm a masturbator, you're a masturbator, President Obama is a masturbator. Taylor Swift is a masturbator. Oprah! If everybody does it, can it be so bad to feel so good? [Barry] We're asking for perineal stimulation- -Nope, this one first. -Oh, this was first? Okay. [Alex] Meet doctors Barry Komisaruk and Nan Wise. They're the first scientists to ever study the human orgasm with an MRI machine. -The, um, so urethral stimulation, but just put it in about a quarter of an inch into the tip of the urethra and move it around a little bit. It's very, very sensitive. [Alex] Yeah. [Barry] As long as you can feel it, as long as you can feel it clearly. [Alex] And with their help, I'm going to take one small step for sex research and one giant leap for myself. To get over my masturbation shame, I'm gonna jack off in an MRI machine and donate an orgasm to science. -For the prostate stimulation- -Perineum. -Perineum, yeah, okay. This device, bring the tip to, as you say, your taint [laughing] between the scrotum and the anus. For the prostate stimulation, just put it in deeper and forward, and it'll move like that. -All right. -Then you do the freestyle masturbation to orgasm. -Yeah, he's gonna see that. -And then as long as you can feel it, we're probably going to be able to get a recording in the brain and that's the- -I think I can do that. -Okay. -We'll see. [laughs] [Barry] The research I do is on brain activity related to sexual response and orgasm in women and men. In terms of our discoveries, we're the first to show where in the brain orgasm occurs in women. -How do you define an orgasm? -We see an overall activation of all the systems in the brain. In that sense it's similar to a seizure. We haven't come to a final definition yet. [nervous laughter] -All right. -You're ready? -I think so. -You're ready? -Yeah, okay. -Okay, so we have a mask to make. So sex is in the brain, sex is in the mind. It's not necessarily in the genitals. So those two big things reinforced that how you felt about sexuality empowered your response. And also that pleasure is very, very important. ["Nutcracker Suite"] [lighter clicking] [motor roaring] [wet slime noise] [husk ripping] [Shake Weight shaking] [hammer pounding] [tea kettle whistling] [Mission Command] Five, four, three, two, one.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  Féré says that certain waking persons of neurotic type, if one repeatedly close and open one's hand before their eyes, soon begin to have corresponding feelings in their own fingers, and presently begin irresistibly to execute the movements which they see. Under these conditions of 'preparation' Dr. Féré found that his subjects could squeeze the hand-dynamometer much more strongly than when abruptly invited to do so. A few passive repetitions of a movement will enable many enfeebled patients to execute it actively with greater strength. These observations beautifully show how the mere quickening of kinæsthetic ideas is equivalent to a certain amount of tension towards discharge in the centres. [481] We know what it is to get out of bed on a freezing morning in a room without a fire, and how the very vital principle within us protests against the ordeal. Probably most persons have lain on certain mornings for an hour at a time unable to brace themselves to the resolve. We think how late we shall be, how the duties of the day will suffer; we say, "I must get up, this is ignominious," etc.; but still the warm couch feels too delicious, the cold outside too cruel, and resolution faints away and postpones itself again and again just as it seemed on the verge of bursting the resistance and passing over into the decisive act. Now how do we ever get up under such circumstances? If I may generalize from my own experience, we more often than not get up without any struggle or decision at all. We suddenly find that we have got up. A fortunate lapse of consciousness occurs; we forget both the warmth and the cold; we fall into some revery connected with the day's life, in the course of which the idea flashes across us, "Hollo! I must lie here no longer"—an idea which at that lucky instant awakens no contradictory or paralyzing suggestions, and consequently produces immediately its appropriate motor effects It was our acute consciousness of both the warmth and the cold during the period of struggle, which paralyzed our activity then and kept our idea of rising in the condition of wish and not of will. The moment these inhibitory ideas ceased, the original idea exerted its effects. This case seems to me to contain in miniature form the data for an entire psychology of volition. It was in fact through mediating on the phenomenon in my own person that I first became convinced of the truth of the doctrine which these pages present, and which I need here illustrate by no farther examples. [482] The reason why that doctrine is not a self-evident truth is that we have so many ideas which do not result in action. But it will be seen that in every such case, without exception, that is because other ideas simultaneously present rob them of their impulsive power.

• From Fields of Blood: Religion and the History of Violence (2014)

  Faraj cited Ibn Taymiyyah’s fatwa against the Mongol rulers, who, just like Sadat, had been Muslims only in name. In the time of al-Shafii, Muslims had feared only an external attack; now infidels were actually ruling the ummah. In order to create a truly Islamic state, therefore, jihad was fard ayn, the duty of every able-bodied Muslim. Faraj reveals the “idolatry” that is every bit as present in some forms of political Islamism as in secularist discourse, for he made the ummah a supreme value. “It is obligatory for every Muslim to seriously strive for the return of the Caliphate,” Faraj argued; anyone who fails to do so “does not die as a Muslim.” 33 In the past Islam had been a religion validated by its success. Until the modern period, the powerful position of the ummah had seemed to confirm the Quran’s teaching: that a rightly guided community would prosper because it was in tune with the way things ought to be. The ummah’s sudden demotion has been as theologically shattering for some Muslims as Darwin’s evolutionary theory has been for some Christians. The sense of shame and humiliation has been acute and is exacerbated by a sense of past greatness. Much of modern Islamism represents a desperate struggle to put history back on track. But this dream of a gloriously restored ummah has become an absolute, an end in itself, and as such justifies the means of an aggressive jihad—in this case, a criminal assassination. In Islamic terms, this constitutes the prime sin of shirk, an idolatry that places a political ideal on the same level as Allah. As one commentator observed, far from condoning lawless violence, the ideal of jihad originally expressed the important insight that “the final truth for man lies not in some remote and untarnished utopia but in the tension and struggle of applying its ideals to the recalcitrant and obstructive stuff of worldly sorrow.” 34 Faraj’s primitive theology is apparent when he explains why it was more important to fight Sadat than the Israelis: if a truly Islamic state were established in Egypt, he believed, Jerusalem would automatically revert to Muslim rule. In the Quran, God promised Muslims that he would bring disgrace on their enemies and come to the Muslims’ aid. In a nihilistic abandonment not only of his modern scientific training but also of the Quranic insistence that Muslims use their natural intelligence, Faraj reverted to a particularly naive form of the perennial philosophy that amounted to little more than magical thinking: if Muslims took the initiative, God would “intervene [and change] the laws of nature.” Could the militants expect a miracle? Faraj answered yes. Observers were puzzled that there was no planned uprising after the assassination. Faraj believed that God would step in and do the rest. 35 He did not.

• From The Diary of a Young Girl (The Definitive Edition) (2020)

  It’s good that somebody has finally cut me down to size, has broken my pride, because I’ve been far too smug. Not everything Mistress Anne does is good! Any- one who deliberately causes such pain to someone they say they love is despicable, the lowest of the low! What I’m most ashamed of is the way Father has forgiven me; he said he’s going to throw the letter in the stove, and he’s being so nice to me now, as if he were the one who’d done something wrong. Well, Anne, you still have a lot to learn. It’s time you made a beginning, in- stead of looking down at others and always giving them the blame! I’ve known a lot of sorrow, but who hasn’t at my age? I’ve been putting on an act, but was hardly even aware of it. I’ve felt lonely, but never desperate! Not like Father, who once ran out into the street with a knife so he could put an end to it all. I’ve never gone that far. I should be deeply ashamed of myself, and I am. What’s done can’t be undone, but at least you can keep it from happening again. I’d like to start all over, and that shouldn’t be difficult, now that I have Peter. With him supporting me, I know I can do it! I’m not alone anymore. He loves me, I love him, I have my books, my writing and my diary. I’m not all that ugly, or that stupid, I have a sunny disposition, and I want to develop a good character! Yes, Anne, you knew full well that your letter was unkind and untrue, but you were actually proud of it! I’ll take Father as my example once again, and I will improve myself. Yours, Anne M. Frank MONDAY, MAY 8, 1944 Dearest Kitty, Have I ever told you anything about our family? I don’t think I have, so let me begin. Father was born in Frankfurt am Main to very wealthy parents: Michael Frank owned a bank and became a millionaire, and Alice Stern’s parents were prominent and well-to-do. Michael Frank didn’t start out rich; he was a self-made man. In his youth Father led the life of a rich man’s son. Parties every week, balls, banquets, beautiful girls, waltzing, dinners, a huge house, etc. After Grandpa died, most of the money was lost, and after the Great War and inflation there was nothing left at all. Up until the war there were still quite a few rich relatives. So Father was extremely well-bred, and he had to laugh yesterday because for the first time in his fifty-five years, he scraped out the frying pan at the table. Mother’s family wasn’t as wealthy, but still fairly well-off, and we’ve listened openmouthed to stories of private balls, dinners and engagement parties with 250 guests. We’re far from rich now, but I’ve pinned all my hopes on after the war.