Shame

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

Page 168 of 267 · 20 per page

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  BAPTISM AND THE LORD'S SUPPER 2Q$ means of creating the priesthood of theCatholic Church, and the main door through which superstitious beliefs came in. In time it became the mass, in which the priest partook ofthe bread and wine while the people watched him doing it. He might even go through the whole performance alone, for the benefit of adeceased person, according to the terms ofan endowment. Thus the Lord's Supper lost its meaning because itwas in the hands ofa body which had neither social outlook nor democratic emotions. The Protestant Reformation concentrated on the re- form of the Lord's Supper. The laity shared more fully in it. The private mass was abolished. Some of thesocial feeling was restored. But not the socialout- look. The act turned backward and not forward. It is an act of remembrance; init we appropriate theaton- ing death of our Saviour. Where it is experienced most deeply, it is a mystic act of fellowship between theun- seen Lord and the silentsoul of the worshipper. Fora time the great act of fraternal lovebecame the object ofbitter controversial feelings between Catholic and Protestant, and between Lutheran and Calvinist, and exercised a very unsocial and divisive influence. While the great churches were bitterly contending over the question whether their Lord was physically or spiritually present, and if physically, whether by tran- substantiation or consubstantiation, the persecuted Ana- baptists, who had neither the right to meetnor to exist, had the spirit of the original institution among them. As in the primitive Church, their service was preceded by

• From 50 Shades Uncovered (2015)

  James calls it "adult romance" while the media have dubbed it "mummy porn." Whatever you call it, there's no doubt that it's popular. I just sit at my desk. If I have any downtime I just start reading through it. And, obviously, if the manager, or any other lads saw, I'd just hide it away. Eclair: As a reader and a feminist, it didn't float my boat. But I did read it because, obviously for research purposes. It got the imagination flowing. People are caught up with those characters and they want to see what happens to them. Kite: Because they did center on that relationship, you could call them romantic erotica. It was a real page-turner. I went into a charity shop and I bought my copy and it was 59 p. I think that tells you everything you need to know about "Fifty Shades of Grey." I contemplated going to the library, um, and there was a voice in my head telling me, oh, the librarian's gonna judge me a little bit - for taking that one out. - Yeah. And then I thought, wait. Do I want to use a used copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey?" There's a deep shame to being seen with the book. (music playing) Gaukroger: A Belgian professor thought it would be a good idea to go into a library and test the ten most popular books in that library for traces of drugs, traces of diseases. All ten books had traces of cocaine. "Fifty Shades of Grey" actually had traces of a strain of herpes. So I didn't go and get one at the library. - No. - No. (music playing) Hopkins: I would never read that book in public 'cause that would be a tragedy. - There's such a stigma around it. - Yeah. I had it hidden inside "The Times" newspaper. But I would never be seen with "Fifty Shades of Grey." "Then I'm going to spank you. Not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine." (laughs) That's-- that's something kinky. Yes, really kinky. I think it's very unpleasant thing. (laughs) "He pauses, gauging my wide-eyed reaction." Graphic, graphic. Uh, I think it-- it'll make a good read. I didn't expect to read that in the middle of New York. O'Shea: I would be more embarrassed to be seen reading it simply because of how bad the prose is. Weak prose and bad plotlines are not okay. It's just concerning, the language of it. You know, how many times did he "hitch a breath"? Huh! You know, every other page his breath hitched. Huh! Well, mine didn't. (cheering) Gaukroger: J.K. Rowling refuses to read it. It might be due to the fact that "Fifty Shades of Grey" did outsell "Harry Potter." It's the quickest-selling paperback, which probably rubbed J.K. Rowling up the wrong way. - Good choice of words. - Just a little bit. - Good choice of words there. - Oh. Oh, God. It's just mass-market fiction.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Another natural form of contraception is the rhythm method, which is based on a woman’s menstrual cycle. During a typical menstrual cycle, a woman has days of fertility (before, during, and after ovulation) when conception is most likely. By abstaining from sex on her “fertile days,” a woman can prevent pregnancy. However, this method requires you to know exactly when you ovulate, and the failure rate is up to 25 percent a year, so it is not advisable for all couples. Sex educationA recent survey in the United States found that one in four teenage girls has an STD, whether it is chlamydia, trichomoniasis, or HPV. This news, combined with soaring rates of teenage pregnancy, underscores the importance of educating young people about sex. It is easy to blame the media’s blatant glamorization of sex, but ignorance and peer pressure also push teenagers into having sex before they are emotionally or physically ready to enjoy it. Teenage girls and boys need more information about STDs, safe sex, and preventing pregnancy. If you have teenage children, try to set a positive example of communication—talk to them about sexual health and encourage their questions. And if you are a teenager, make it your priority to find out the facts about contraception and STDs before you commit to having sex. Sex AddictionSex should be a vibrant, exciting, and safe part of every person’s life. Unsafe sex may involve being promiscuous or risk-taking, or having sex without protection. Sex addiction is a psychological condition where unusually high sexual activity also becomes emotionally or physically destructive for those involved. Sex addicts don’t usually form emotional or intimate bonds with a partner. Addiction tends to be progressive, and the key to overcoming it is identifying the problem and seeking help. The dangers of sexual addictionSex addiction can mean an addiction to the sex trade, pornography, having sex with strangers, multiple affairs, compulsive masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obsessive dating, cybersex, sexual harassment, and molestation. More than half of sex addicts become sex offenders. And the Internet has made it easier for addicts to indulge in a secret and illicit sex life. Causes and symptomsA sex addict is defined as a person who is unable to control his or her sexual urges and goes to extreme lengths to fulfill them, no matter what it costs him or her. This means that some people find their entire lives are consumed by seeking the high they receive from sexual activity, even if they are partnered in a long-term relationship. Behavioral symptoms might include, but are not limited to: excessive flirting or grooming, seeking inappropriate sexual contact, and bartering with sex in exchange for money or power. Addicts often have obsessive thoughts of planning or obtaining sex that intrude upon their personal and work lives—they become distressed if they can’t indulge their desires.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Men usually don’t need too much persuasion to give or receive oral. Yet, despite its unrivaled potential to give pleasure, many women put this at the bottom of their list of sexual favors. If you are wary about oral, try thinking about it as an opportunity to learn more about your lover’s sexual preferences. Be brave, turn out the lights, and enter into it with a generous spirit. You don’t have to “deep throat” him, porn-star style, since the head of the penis has the most nerve endings. Start here and see where it takes you. [image file=image_rsrc3BJ.jpg] Techniques to tryTo maximize pleasure, whether you are giving or receiving, it is essential to find a position that is comfortable for both of you. When you are receiving, open your mind to enjoying the sensations of your partner kissing, licking, and sucking your labia, clitoris, and vagina. Tell him when it feels good, and gently redirect his stimulation when it feels too intense. When giving oral, take your time sucking his penis and licking his perineum and testicles. Switch between different speeds and pressures. If you get tired, take a break and stimulate him with your hands instead. Try taking turns. Most importantly, tune in to his moans and body language so you get to know what touch he really likes best. He might just surprise you. Extra-sweet oralTo maximize your oral pleasure, it is worth paying a little attention to what you eat and drink. Foods such as kiwi, celery, and pineapple can make your genital secretions even sweeter. If you are worried about hygiene, try oral sex in the shower, so both of you are really fresh. Food can work as an erotic prop in your oral games, too. Apply whipped cream and chocolate sauce to his penis, then lick off your calorific cocktail. Trickle a little honey or raspberry sauce over your genitals and invite him to savor the extra sweetness. Treats like this will make these oral sessions even more irresistable. CunnilingusCunnilingus is good for both of you—he has the thrill of delivering intense pleasure, while you get to lie back and abandon yourself to the moment. Plus you’ll feel an intimate sexual bond that has the power to enhance your whole relationship. If you’re used to giving pleasure rather than receiving it, cunnilingus may give you a rare opportunity to concentrate exclusively on yourself. You may find this sort of “selfishness” a challenge—but one that’s definitely worth rising to. Relax and accept yourselfA key part of enjoying oral sex is being at home in your skin and accepting your body and your sexuality. If oral sex doesn’t feature in your sex life, it may be because you’ve consciously or unconsciously signaled to your lover that you don’t enjoy it. Perhaps you feel self-conscious about the appearance or taste of your genitals. Or perhaps you have tried oral sex a few times, but it has fallen by the wayside.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  During an individual session with Nicole, I tried to get to the bottom of her mistrust of Kahlen. She said that she had no real reason to be jealous and she’d never been cheated on. She was usually a trusting and easy-going girlfriend, but once she started dating Kahlen, the 10-year age difference made her feel insecure. To compensate for these emotions, she tried to impress him sexually. “I just want to be sure he has everything he needs at home. I know I go overboard—once I tried to push him into a threesome because I thought that’s what he secretly wanted.” Nicole talked about how frustrated she felt. “I’m so in charge in every other part of my life, but with Kahlen I’m out of control. I can’t make him love me or stay faithful to me, so I act like a porn star to stop him from fantasizing about anyone else.” My individual session with Kahlen was also very revealing. He said, “I would never cheat on Nicole. I tell her that every day, but it’s not enough. Whenever we go anywhere, she accuses me of checking out other women. Then we go home and she wants these crazy sex sessions. Even when I try to make it soft and slow, she wants to ramp it up—it feels like we’re on stage.” Finding solutions To heal the disconnection between Kahlen and Nicole, I suggested that they each make a detailed list of their fantasies (both sexual and nonsexual) and share them with one another. I also talked to Kahlen and Nicole about the importance of connecting emotionally and sharing insecurities in a non-accusing way. If couples lose emotional intimacy, they’re in danger of relying on gender stereotypes and myths to try to understand each other. In Nicole’s case, she believed in the myth that “men love porn star sex and want sex all the time.” What happened? Nicole was surprised and thrilled to discover that some of Kahlen’s fantasies included very simple, sweet things, such as “I want to go camping with Nicole and have sex under the stars” and “I want to be a father one day.” Kahlen was pleased to learn that Nicole’s list was also filled with simple, romantic requests, such as “I want love notes and roses, and kisses and cuddling on the sofa”. Once Nicole realized that Kahlen wasn’t secretly dying to be a swinger or a promiscuous rock star, the pressure she felt to perform was lifted. She said: “Before now I was never able to enjoy sex. I was so busy trying to be a fantastic lover I couldn’t lie back and feel the sensations and the intimacy. Now Kahlen and I can have sweet, meaningful sex or wild, uninhibited sex depending on how we feel.”

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  The body in the mediaThe female body has always been a source of inspiration for artists. From the naked splendor of Rubens’ plump beauties to Audrey Hepburn’s waiflike frame, the female body—in its many forms—has become part of our identity. Yet while women with hourglass figures, such as Marilyn Monroe, were once heralded for their sexy, real curves, women today are expected to have the bodies of prepubescent girls. Hips are out, curves are out, and breasts must be appropriately perky and youthful. If you look at pictures of female celebrities in magazines, you will soon notice that our standard of beauty is going through a “skinny” phase. Taking control of your imageAs a result, many women have poor body image or believe their bodies need to be fixed in some way. The signature things that make us who we are—freckles, moles, stretch marks, curves, breast size and shape—are the very things we spend half our time trying to erase. Connecting with your body is an important part of tuning in to your sex life. If you aren’t comfortable with what you see in the mirror, you will no doubt feel uncomfortable being unclothed in front of your partner. Keeping your body under wraps will only serve to lessen your joy in the bedroom, and your partner’s, too. It is possible to learn to love your body, both for the amazing feats it is capable of, and for its pure aesthetic beauty, which it offers to all who are lucky enough to see it in its full glory. Harmonize your mind and bodyWomen who enjoy satisfying and exuberant sex lives don’t worry about their bodily appearance. They believe their body is sexy and are not inhibited by their cellulite or wrinkles. When your mind takes a more positive attitude toward your body, you also start to realize how sexy you are. Start by looking at your body and appreciating your positive qualities—it might be your cute feet, heavy breasts, long eyelashes, super-shiny hair, or marvelous curves. Be proud of your body by standing tall and showing off your best parts, whether it’s your deep cleavage or nice bum. Remember that your sex appeal is all of you—the way you walk and talk, your expression, and your body language. Being happy and confident is sexy. Smiling is sexy. What looks good on the catwalk is not what turns your man on between the sheets—it is your own unique shape and feel. Pass on your positive views about your body to your daughters and granddaughters, and they will grow up in a much more positive environment, which embraces all types of beauty. [image file=image_rsrc3A4.jpg] Lighten up over weightThe top body concern of most women is their weight. If you feel fat and flabby, you are less likely to want to be uninhibited in the bedroom.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  What are your thoughts about sex? It is important to reflect on this, because the images and words that come into your mind when you are having sex can affect your sexual response and your enjoyment. Making sure your mind is on board is an important part of having a good sex life—after all, your brain is your biggest sex organ. Your mind and your emotional health are intimately tied to your libido. So direct your thoughts to enhancing your self-esteem, and concentrate on releasing your inner seductress to get the most out of your relationship. [image file=image_rsrc3A9.jpg] Perspectives on SexWomen are beautiful, multifaceted, sexual creatures, designed to enjoy lovemaking. Evolution made us that way for good reason—we play an important role in keeping the human race going. However, inadequate early teaching or experiences can make it difficult for some women to enjoy sex as a natural and pleasurable act. It is impossible to realize your potential if you are harboring negative thoughts about your sexuality. In fact, it does us all good now and again to examine our views on sex. The seeds of sexual beliefsFrom your first chaste kiss on the playground to the first time you made love, your initiation into the world of sex has the power to color your sexual future. Decades may have passed, but these potent memories are probably still with you. And although negative experiences might not prevent you from engaging in sex altogether, they might make you less orgasmic during sex, or less willing to try new positions or activities. The media, with their conflicting images of female sexuality, also has a significant impact on our beliefs. On the one hand, we are shown that women should be sexy, orgasmic, and free-spirited. But on the other hand, sexual naivety is shown to be desirable. The truth is that women can’t accomplish sexual freedom if they are not free to experiment with different partners and to enjoy sex without fear of being labeled. Set your own agendaSex is a natural and healthy part of being human, though it does attract labels—from ourselves and from others. But trying a new sex position or act does not make a woman a slut. You can play the whore in the bedroom, or act naive. It is okay to beg for sex and it is perfectly acceptable to say “no.” These are simply different sexual behaviors. They do not define you as a person—they are part of a normal sexual repertoire. Once you think about your sexual beliefs you will be better able to accept your own sexuality, and set your standards. Maybe you don’t believe in one-night stands, or that sex should be kept to committed relationships. It helps to define your sexuality before communicating it to potential partners. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone and your sex life is emotionally and physically healthy, it is yours to explore, adore, and enjoy.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  You are cuffed and breathalyzed. You blow a number out of orbit. Don’t even try. You are so beyond the legal limit you could power a car. Gimme a D to the U to the I. Oh and in case you were feeling any shred of hotness left in your bones, when you look pleadingly into the young male cop’s rearview on the car ride to the facility and say, couldn’t you just take me home? With what you think are pout lips and bed blond hair, he looks back at you with - you guessed it - woman, you are old as shit pity in his eyes. Inside the jail the rerun begins. The first thing that happens that has already happened is that you are inside. You have been in jail before. You have a record. Not very many people know that since you look exactly like a Visiting Writer and anyhow you have always been a snappy dresser. The second thing that happens that has already happened is there is another woman in the holding cell who is going through heroin withdrawal. She’s drooling and she’s in a tight ball arms choking knees and she’s banging her head back against the wall and spitting about every eight seconds. Your left arm aches. Your feet go numb. You go sit next to her. You look a little bit like a martyr-ish crappy-ass too white benevolent Visiting Writer on the outside but what’s not visible to the naked eye is that you haven’t been clean all that many years, which suddenly has shrunken to the size of a human head. Weren’t you getting a little cocky about it too, your beautiful recovery, your distancing yourself from yourselfstory. Which takes you to the third thing that happens over again which is how quickly you become the Universal Caretaker when YOU are the sorry ass loser who needs the HELP, giving your socks to the black woman on welfare and holding the hand of the lumpy 50-year old woman who is actually maybe 28. You find yourself dialing the number of the boyfriend of the crack queen with the Alice Cooper mascara drool face. No really, you are on the payphone calling for her even though she has choke bruises around her neck, she begs you to call him so you do, you intervene, you become an objective outside resource, you tell him to call and drop the charges so she can get out since it is so obvious that he has abused her and later in life she will have one helluvuh case, one in which you will be a witness of course, watch out guy, you teach Women’s Studies, and he proceeds to describe to you what she did to his living room and his cat and his motorcycle with a baseball bat and the house on fire before he calls you a fucking cunt whore ignorant bitch and hangs up.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Johnny gave himself plenty of structure—magic tricks, performing. But he never felt comfortable being himself. Even Ed McMahon, Johnny’s loyal sidekick for thirty years, said of Johnny, “He was good with ten million people, lousy with ten.” Why didn’t structure work for Johnny? Why did he never transition to the ultimate role: himself? The answer lies in the source of the role. For Johnny Carson, biographers theorize that Johnny’s persona, Johnny Carson the Entertainer, was created to win the approval of a specific person. His mother, Ruth, didn’t like boys; they were dirty and nasty, she said. Her favorite child was her daughter, Catherine. So Johnny’s persona, lore has it, was created to get positive attention from Ruth. If he could just be funny enough, successful enough, famous enough, maybe she would be proud of him. He didn’t do it for himself; he did it for approval that, sadly, turned out to be unattainable. Reportedly, at the height of Johnny’s fame Ruth once watched his Tonight Show monologue in the presence of a New York Times reporter, switched off the TV, and pronounced, “That wasn’t funny.” So here’s the difference between structure that hinders you and structure that’s a stepping-stone to the ultimate role of being yourself: the role should come from within, not from someone else. It can’t come from your impossible-to-please mother, your boss, your current crush, American society, or whoever else. Instead, your role should be chosen and inhabited only by you. Think of it this way: Pretend you are a building. Creating a persona chosen by someone else sets up a false front. Picture an old Wild West town: tumbleweeds rolling by, horses tied to their hitching posts in front of the buildings on Main Street. Looks like a solid settlement, right? But peek behind the imposing fronts and you’d find the buildings were often just canvas tents and a wooden floor, shoddy structures at best. Indeed, the cost and danger of hauling building materials to a town that may or may not survive the boom-and-bust economy of the Old West was prohibitive. But business owners realized they needed to project an image of success and stability to lure in customers. So they poured their resources into erecting impressive false fronts. They attended to the image but neglected the actual building. Playing a role that is chosen for you is like constructing a false front. Your precious resources get poured into the image while the actual building—the real, authentic you—is left wanting. The false front may be impressive or even intimidating, but its intention is to fool, to deceive.1

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Giving oneself, and sometimes even one's children, is viewed as a noble sacrifice. In some cults, this testing is done in a sexually sadistic manner that further debilitates followers and increases their dependence on the leader. Female SubservienceThe demand for female subservience is widespread in cults. In many cults, women's behavior is strictly controlled and often placed under the command of a spouse whom the woman may not have selected or approved. Nevertheless, she is expected to be totally submissive to all demands placed on her by her husband, by the leader(s), and sometimes by other members as well. This is particularly rampant in contemporary Mormon and Christian fundamentalist polygamist families and communities. An excellent account of this can be found in Andrea Moore-Emmett's book, God's Brothel (Prince-Nez Press). Certain groups also condone punishment of women in the form of beatings or forced sexual intercourse. Women learn to take the blame, feel the guilt, and carry the shame of others' behavior. Sex "Therapy"Sex with one's therapist is always inappropriate. Some therapists use their power to entice their patients into intimate relationships. The following is one example: A former member of a psychotherapy cult, Noreen J. made a complaint to the state licensing board and filed a civil suit against her psychotherapist for sexual abuse. With no special training in sexual disorders or gynecology, Dr. G. conducted "sexological" exams on Noreen to uncover the cause of what he identified as her sexual inhibitions. He began his seduction on the therapy couch, each time sitting closer and closer to Noreen until she tolerated first an arm around her shoulder, then a hand under her skirt. Any protestations or squeamishness on her part were interpreted as frigidity and lack of trust. Genital exams occurred in the office, unaccompanied by a nurse, and were frequently a prelude to other molestations. Within a few months, intercourse and oral sex regularly occurred in the therapy hour for which Noreen was expected to pay her usual fee. Eventually Dr. G. lost his license for five years and was fined several hundred thousand dollars in a well-publicized lawsuit that was brought against him by five of his patients. To explore other abuses that may occur in therapy, see "Crazy" Therapies: What Are They? Do They Work? by Margaret Singer and Janja Lalich (Jossey- Bass). Drug-induced SexAlthough use of drugs is not typical in cults, some leaders promote the use of drugs so that they can further influence their followers. Drugs can be used to reduce inhibitions, create the appearance of magical events, and elicit unusual behaviors. Here is an example: In a New Age healing cult, Laurie K. smoked marijuana and hashish as part of the group experience, which combined drugs and mysticism. Occasionally heroin and cocaine were also used. Once the members were high, the leader chose his sexual partner for the evening. With godlike authority-and the aid of the drugs-he coerced men and women to submit to him or to others in the group.

• From Manhunt (2022)

  Lili Elbe looking back over one pale shoulder, blue iris faded like a pressed flower. “I’ll drive down tonight,” she said. “You’ll have company. Vivian has made it clear to me she isn’t cut out to continue managing our interests in Raymond. I’ve decided Sarah Jane Spiers will take her place.” She tapped the butt of her pen against her chin. “Break the news to Vivian and bring her home, if you’d be so good.” “The doctor’s really going to stick with naming the town after herself?” Teach sniffed. “Some of the Matriarchs are stuck in an obsolete paradigm of government. They still think in terms of territory. Ownership. Masculine thinking. But the world has changed, Pierce.” Her pen scratched in the silence. “Power now is a fluid thing. It comes from understanding. From nurturing. The mistake we made before the plague was to rely on print media and academic discourse—insular, sterile parts in the machinery of human society. Things in which most women rightly evince little interest. “Our sisterhood, what we’re building here and up the coast, will outlive every lecture series, every textbook. We’re making a womb, the strongest thing there is, and once we’ve solved the fertility problem it will carry our new world. A world without rape. Without wife beaters. Without borders or nations or races. A world where women, after a hundred thousand years of terror, can be safe.” Here and up the coast , Ramona thought. Not in Maryland. She knows the Matriarchs are scared of her popularity, afraid she’d pull a Caesar on them. That’s probably why they let her take Boston and the coast. She wins, their territory grows. She dies, they don’t have to worry about her anymore. She dug her nails into her palms. Which one do I want to happen? Kilroy turned to look out the window, though before she did, Ramona thought she glimpsed something like jealousy in the Maenad’s eyes. No womb. No womanhood. No future. Just a little card, kept in a pocket close to her breast in case anyone was checking papers, that read “XY—NEUTERED & EXEMPTED” above her names—natural and conferred, and the serpents of the Matriarchy, tails entwined, framing a white sun in fallopian coils. A quick, precise jab of the pen’s nib to dot an i. “That will be all, captain. I’ll await your report.” Ramona saluted, fist to breast, and turned to stride across the empty room toward the heavy oaken door. The eyes on the walls seemed to follow her. Shaggy hair. Little budding breasts. Those strange self-portraits. Teeth barely showing between chewed lips. A beauty mark beside a long, straight nose. A pit yawned somewhere inside her. Something important had fallen into it—something special—and now she lay crouched beside it, waiting for the sound of impact. Marsha P.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  "She looked around, frightened. She tried to cover herself as much as she could; and then, entwining one of her arms round the young man's neck— "'Do not look at me like that,' she said. 'Am I so loathsome to you? Oh! I see it. You despise me.' And her eyes filled with tears. 'You are right. Why did I yield? Why did I not resist the love that was torturing me? Alas! it was not you; but I who sought you, who made love to you; and now you feel for me nothing but disgust. Tell me, is it so? You love another woman! No!—tell me you don't!' "'I don't,' said Teleny, earnestly. "'Yes, but swear.' "'I have already sworn before, or at least offered to do so? What is the use of swearing, if you don't believe me?' "Though all lust was gone, Teleny felt a heartfelt pity for that handsome young woman, who, maddened by love for him, had put into jeopardy her whole existence to throw herself into his arms. "Who is the man that is not flattered by the love he inspires in a high-born, wealthy, and handsome young woman, who forgets her marriage vows to enjoy a few moments' bliss in his arms? But, then, why do women generally love men who often care so little for them? "Teleny did his best to comfort her, to tell her over and over again that he cared for no woman, to assure her that he would be eternally faithful to her for her sacrifice; but pity is not love, nor is affection the eagerness of desire. "Nature was more than satisfied; her beauty had lost all its attraction; they kissed again and again; he languidly passed his hands all over her body, from the nape of the neck to the deep dent between those round hills, which seemed covered with fallen snow, giving her a most delightful sensation as he did so; he caressed her breasts, suckled and bit the tiny protruding nipples, whilst his fingers were often thrust far within the warm flesh hidden under that mass of jet-black hair. She glowed, she breathed, she shivered with pleasure; but Teleny, though performing his work with masterly skill, remained cold at her side. "'No, I. see that you don't love me; for it is not possible that you—a young man——' "She did not finish. Teleny felt the sting of her reproaches, but remained passive; for the phallus is not stiffened by taunts.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  You see it is important to understand how damaged people don’t always know how to say yes, or to choose the big thing, even when it is right in front of them. It’s a shame we carry. The shame of wanting something good. The shame of feeling something good. The shame of not believing we deserve to stand in the same room in the same way as all those we admire. Big red As on our chests. I never thought to myself growing up, be a lawyer. An astronaut. The President. A scientist. A doctor. An architect. I didn’t even think, be a writer. Aspiration gets stuck in some people. It’s difficult to think yes. Or up. When all you feel is fight or run. If I could go back, I’d coach myself. I’d be the woman who taught me how to stand up, how to want things, how to ask for them. I’d be the woman who says, your mind, you imagination, they are everything. Look how beautiful. You deserve to sit at the table. The radiance falls on all of us. I knew even on the plane back to the west as the evergreens and rivers came back into view through the perfect drizzle of home that if I was a woman writer, then I was a broken kind of woman writer. I drank many tiny bottles of airplane feel sorry for yourself. I flew back to Oregon without a book deal, without an agent, with only a head and heartful of beautiful memories about what it would be like to be a writer, since I’d eaten with them and shared such perfect company. It was the only prize I allowed myself. But something in me had been born, still. Dreaming in Women SOMETIMES A MIND IS JUST BORN LATE, COMING THROUGH waves on a slower journey. You were never, in the end, alone. Isn’t it a blessing, what becomes from inside the alone. With Marguerite Duras, you must lie down on a bed in an apartment in a foreign city - foreign to you - foreign enough so that you become the foreigner. Lose your name and your language. Lose your identity moorings. Lose your very thoughts. There must be shutters on the tall slightly open windows. The room must be blue. The floor made of stone. You must be naked. Her breath a whisper against your skin. Up the length of your body. Down. You must listen for the sounds of the city moving all around you. You must listen then beyond that, to the ocean and wind beyond all human motion. And then you must listen beyond that, to the blood in your ears and the drum of your heart and how a lover’s skin stories over you. At night, it will rain. Open the windows. Desire wets. There is no inside out but the body. Love unto death.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  To add insult to injury, you have to pay them. Your mouth feels like it’s made of Styrofoam, and you can’t talk without severing your tongue, but you still have to shell out money that would otherwise put your kid through college. If you’re a dentist, this isn’t personal. I’m glad you exist. You’re a gift to humanity. Keep up the good work. If we meet and I don’t smile at you, though, it’s not you. It’s just that your occupation triggers the whole fight-or-flight thing in my brain. I’m also subconsciously afraid you’re judging my dental hygiene. You see, one of the main reasons I dislike going to the dentist (other than the aforementioned sharp objects and drills) is the shame that always seems to be associated with the experience. Maybe it’s my imagination, maybe it’s my guilty conscience about not brushing enough, maybe I was traumatized as a kid—I don’t know. All I know is that I never walk away from a visit to the dentist feeling encouraged about my brushing or flossing habits. Quite the opposite. I feel like a failure, like I’ll never measure up to the holy standards of the American Dental Association. Therefore, I avoid visiting the dentist. Why would I go somewhere that makes me feel bad about myself? Many people treat God the same way. They feel shame when they think of Him, so they avoid Him. They think He’s always judging their soul hygiene. That’s not exactly healthy for their prayer lives, of course. FROM VS. FOR Our beliefs about God—about His character, His attitude toward us, His value system, His desires—shape the premises for our prayers. In other words, the way we see God determines the way we approach Him. Read that again: The way we see God determines the way we approach God. Similarly, our beliefs about ourselves—our worth, our standing, our potential, our importance—also shape our premises for prayer. The way we see ourselves will influence what we ask for and how we ask it. These two things—our view of God and our view of ourselves—are pretty much inseparable. We rarely put words to them, but they lie at the base of how we pray, what we ask for, how much faith we have that God hears us, and whether we obey God when He speaks. If we think we are failures, and we believe that God is mostly concerned about failure, we will avoid Him. We won’t talk to Him. Why would we? That would be like making friends with the dentist. (I’m kidding. Dentists are people too.) Even if we do pray, we’ll probably spend most of our time and energy trying to convince God to forgive us, to like us, and to bless us. That’s not how Jesus prayed. It’s not how Paul or other Bible characters prayed either.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I opened my eyes and looked at Alice - and knew at once that I shouldn’t have spoken; that I should have been as dumb and as cunning with her as with the rest of them. There was a look on her face - it was not ambiguous at all now - a look of mingled shock, and nervousness, and embarrassment or shame. I had said too much. I felt as if my admiration for Kitty Butler had lit a beacon inside me, and opening my unguarded mouth had sent a shaft of light into the darkened room, illuminating all.I had said too much - but it was that, or say nothing.Alice’s eyes held my own for a moment longer, then her lashes fluttered and fell. She didn’t speak; she only rolled away from me, and faced the wall. The weather continued very fierce that week. The sun brought trippers to Whitstable and to our Parlour, but the heat jaded their appetites. They called as often, now, for tea and lemonade, as for plaice and mackerel, and for hours at a time I would leave Mother and Alice to work the shop, and run down to the beach to ladle out cockles and crab-meat and whelks, and bread-and-butter, at Father’s stall. It was a novelty, serving teas upon the shingle; but it was also hard to stand in the sun, with the vinegar running from your wrists to your elbows, and your eyes smarting from the fumes of it. Father gave me an extra half-crown for every afternoon I worked there. I bought a hat, and a length of lavender ribbon with which to trim it, but the rest of the money I put aside: I would use it, when I had enough, to buy a season ticket for the Canterbury train.For I made my nightly trips all through that week, and sat - as Tony put it - with the Plushes, and gazed at Kitty Butler as she sang; and I never once grew tired of her. It was only, always, marvellous to step again into my little scarlet box; to gaze at the bank of faces, and the golden arch above the stage, and the velvet drapes and tassels, and the stretch of dusty floorboard with its row of lights - like open cockle shells, I always thought them - before which I would soon see Kitty stride and swagger and wave her hat ...

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  I was twenty-three years old, and had just started attending a mainstream educational institution full time for the first time in my life. Finally, I simply got the courage to move out of my parents' home, educate myself, and apply for scholarships. When I walked away, I did not have any idea how to survive in mainstream America. I was shy by nature, had no exposure to pop culture, and had no idea how to dress, what to say, what to eat, how to relate to others, how to date, and so on. Every aspect of my life had been ordered, pre-ordained, and controlled by someone else. I became a chameleon. I put a lid on my experiences, talked about them to no one, and became a brilliant observer and imitator of the social skills of others in order to survive. I met my now ex-husband during my first semester in college. It was an illadvised marriage from the start. We dated a year and a half before he ever told me he loved me. Then we dated a total of four years before he proposed, and I think he only did that because I wouldn't buy a house with him unless we had some sort of commitment in place. We were married six years before it fell apart. There were many reasons: the most glaring being that we were quite ill suited for each other, and rather damaged when we met. I was running from an awful childhood, and so was he (his parents have nine divorces between them). We were both particularly fragile when we met, and we did help each other heal, to a certain extent. But within a short time, I changed, grew up, and became a lot stronger, while he did not. Also, I did not share with him the depths of my childhood pain and suffering. Part of our final breakup was a result of my recognition that the time had come to deal with my cult issues, and there was no way I could do that with him. I needed someone strong and independent to support me during this process; there was no way I could have done it with someone whom I had to support, emotionally and mentally, at all times. In the year since I divorced, I have made giant strides in dealing with my cult issues. I work with a therapist who specializes in victims of totalitarian and other harmful groups, and victims of sexual abuse. When I first began this journey, I had repressed and suppressed my memories and emotions for more than twelve years. I was unable to organize or understand the issues in my own mind. I was unable to deal with or even acknowledge the level of anger and resentment I felt at my lost innocence, my lost childhood, and the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents and their various cultic groups.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  "The first time I went to a hospital," she said, "was the first time he hit me, 1978. And I told the doctor, `My boyfriend hit me.' And then I realized, my goodness, he's a lawyer. And he's this wonderful man who's helping me so much. So I said, `No, no. Erase that. Cross that out.' And I have a copy of that report, that medical report with that line crossed out." Over the years, the beatings were severe: a ruptured spleen, a broken knee, broken ribs, broken teeth, a "cauliflower ear," and endless scars on her face and body. In fact, for a time, a police photo of Hedda's horribly bruised and mangled face became the symbol of domestic violence across America. When asked by Larry King, and no doubt countless others, why she didn't leave Joel, Hedda responded that she had-five or six times. "Well, the first time I tried to leave, he came home while I was packing. And he said, `What are you doing?' I said, `I'm leaving.' Next thing I knew, I was down on the floor with an injured leg. He knocked me down, put me into an ice-cold bath to take down the swelling and, I think, probably realized how much I hated the cold water and started using that as what he called a `discipline.' If he didn't like something I did, he'd say, `Get in the tub!' And that meant cold baths, which were horrible, I mean, to sit in ice-cold water.... As the years went on, more and more he convinced me he was a healer. He convinced me he had magical powers. I mean it, really. He was using food deprivation, sleep deprivation.... I was totally alone. I was isolated from everybody. He had cut me off from my family, from my friends, from my job. I hardly ever went outside anymore." Hedda managed to leave several times, but was always persuaded to go backby Steinberg or by their friends (who didn't know about the abuse). Hedda didn't want people to know she was being battered, so she never told their friends or anyone else. After Steinberg's arrest and during the trial, Hedda received medical and psychological treatment for the abuse. For some time, she held onto the belief that Steinberg was God, was perfect. She said, "Afterwards, I went to Four Winds Hospital. The trial was a full year later.... I was talking to the district attorneys, but I still felt from all this brainwashing that I was still in love with Joel, and one day, something-it finally just all came together. And I couldn't sleep that night. I got up with this book in which I drew pictures. It was a journal. I went into another room and started drawing a picture of Joel.... And suddenly, all of a sudden I just saw him for who he really is....

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I could not but long for her to step upon the stage again; but I wished, too, that I might be alone when she did so - alone in my little box with the door shut fast behind me - rather than seated in the midst of a crowd of people to whom she was nothing, and who thought my particular passion for her only queer, or quaint.They had heard me sing ‘Sweethearts and Wives’ a thousand times; they had heard me tell the details of her costume, of her hair and voice; I had burned all week to have them see her, and pronounce her marvellous. Now that they were gathered here, however, gay and careless and hot and loud, I despised them. I could hardly bear for them to look upon her at all; worse still, I thought I couldn’t endure to have them look upon me, as I watched her. I had that sensation again, that there had grown a lantern or a beacon inside me. I was sure that when she stepped upon the stage it would be like putting a match to the wick, and I would flare up, golden and incandescent but somehow painfully and shamefully bright; and my family and my beau would shrink away from me, appalled.Of course, when she strode before the footlights at last, no such thing occurred. I saw Davy look my way and give a wink, and heard Father’s whisper: ‘Here’s the very gal, then, at last’; but when I glowed and sparkled it was evidently with a dark and secret flame which no one - except Alice, perhaps - looked for or saw.As I had feared, however, I felt horribly far from Miss Butler that night. Her voice was as strong, her face as lovely, as before; but I had been used to hearing the breaths she drew between the phrases, used to catching the glimmer of the limes upon her lip, the shadow of her lashes on her powdered cheek. Now I felt as though I was watching her through a pane of glass, or with my ears stopped up with wax. When she finished her set my family cheered, and Freddy stamped his feet and whistled. Davy called, ‘Stone me, if she ain’t just as wonderful as Nancy painted her!’ - then he leaned across Alice’s lap to wink and add, ‘Though not so wonderful that I’d spend a shilling a week on train tickets to come and see her every night!’ I didn’t answer him. Kitty Butler had come back for her encore, and had already drawn the rose from her lapel; but it was no comfort to me at all to know my family liked her - indeed, it made me more wretched still.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  Pursewarden had been surly all evening, as he often was, and had busied himself with the drinks to the exclusion of anything else. The little ritual with Fatma seemed to free Justine from constraint; she was free to be natural, to move about with ‘that insolent unbalanced air, cursing her frock for catching in the cupboard door’, or pausing to apostrophize herself in the great spade-shaped mirror. She told us of the mask, adding sadly: ‘It sounds cheap and rather theatrical, I know. I turn my face to the wall and talk to it. I forgive myself my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. Sometimes I rave a little and beat on the wall when I remember the follies which must seem insignificant to others or to God — if there is a God. I speak to the person I always imagine inhabiting a green and quiet place like the 23rd Psalm.’ Then coming to rest her head upon my shoulder and put her arms round me, ‘That is why so often I ask you to be a little tender with me. The edifice feels as if it had cracked up here. I need little strokes and endearments like you give Melissa; I know it is she you love. Who could love me?’ Pursewarden was not, I think, proof against the naturalness and charm of the tones in which she said this, for he went to the corner of the room and gazed at her bookshelf. The sight of his own books made him first pale and then red, though whether with shame or anger I could not tell. Turning back he seemed at first about to say something, but changed his mind. He turned back once more with an air of guilty chagrin to confront that tremendous shelf. Justine said: ‘If you wouldn’t consider it an impertinence I should so like you to autograph one for me’ but he did not reply. He stayed quite still, staring at the shelf, with his glass in his hand. Then he wheeled about and all of a sudden he appeared to have become completely drunk; he said in a fierce ringing tone: ‘The modern novel! The grumus merdae left behind by criminals upon the scene of their misdeeds.’ And quietly falling sideways, but taking care to place his glass upright on the floor he passed immediately into a profound sleep.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  trip us up. The apostle James makes sure we get this straight: “No one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (1:13). While there are different opinions about the meaning of Jesus’ words here, the gist of the line could be stated this way: “God, help me not fail when I am tested.” 2 We face challenging situations all the time. They might be caused by external forces, including difficult circumstances or even demonic influence. They might come from internal desires, including ones that are normal but need to be controlled, and others that are simply wrong. They test our character, faith, and determination. Put another way, they tempt us. They tempt us to act like people we don’t want to be. They tempt us to get what we want using the wrong means. They tempt us to do things that at our core we don’t want to do. They tempt us to react in ways that don’t align with our core values. They tempt us to become something other than what God has made us to be. Jesus said to pray about all that. Jesus was honest. He didn’t sugarcoat things. He made it clear that following Him would not always be easy, that temptations are real, that the “evil one” (a reference to the devil) will oppose us, and that faith in God doesn’t make all our wrong desires magically disappear. I wish it did. That would make me feel a lot better about myself. In fact, if I never struggled with temptation or sin, I might assume I was a pretty good guy, leading a pretty good life. I’d be proud of myself. I’d be arrogant. And I’d probably be a jerk. Bill Gates once said, “Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.” 3