Gratitude

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  With deep regard, we thank the former cult members who generously contributed their stories, adding depth and unique insight to complex and difficult issues and subjects. We are especially indebted to those who were born and raised in a cult for adding a special dimension to the book with their personal accounts. And we will never forget the countless others we have met over the years who managed to leave their cults and from whom we have learned so much. IntroductionTake Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships gives former cult members, their families, and professionals an understanding of common cult practices and their aftereffects. This book also provides an array of specific aids that may help restore a sense of normalcy to former cult members' lives. About twelve years ago, we wrote our first book on this topic: Captive Hearts, Captive Minds: Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships. Over the years, we received mounds of positive feedback about that book in the form of letters, phone calls, postcards, emails, faxes, and personal contact at conferences and in our professional lives. Former cult members, families, therapists, and exit counselors continually told us that Captive Hearts, Captive Minds was always their number-one book. That positive reception (and the need to provide up-to-date information) was the impetus for this new book. We are delighted to offer this new resource to people who want to evaluate, understand, and, in many cases, recover from the effects of a cult experience. We hope this book will help you take back your life. Cults did not fade away (as some would like to believe) with the passing of the sixties and the disappearance of the flower children. In fact, cult groups and relationships are alive and thriving, though many groups have matured and "cleaned up their act." If there is less street recruiting today, it is because many cults now use professional associations, campus organizations, self-help seminars, and the Internet as recruitment tools. Today we see people of all ageseven multigenerational families-being drawn into a wide variety of groups and movements focused on everything from therapy to business ventures, from New Age philosophies to Bible-based beliefs, and from martial arts to political change. Most cults don't stand up to be counted in a formal sense. Currently, the best estimates tell us that there are about 5,000 such groups in the United States, some large, some remarkably small. Noted cult expert and clinical psychologist Margaret Singer estimated "about io to 20 million people have at some point in recent years been in one or more of such groups."' Before its enforced demise, the national Cult Awareness Network reported receiving about 20,000 inquiries a year.' A cult experience is often a conflicted one, as those of you who are former members know. More often than not, leaving a cult environment requires an adjustment period so that you can put yourself and your life back together in a way that makes sense to you.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Recommended Reading 336 Notes 345 Author Index 359 Subject Index 363 AcknowledgmentsWe gratefully acknowledge the help, encouragement, and loving support of all the people who kept us going from the time of conception of this book through completion-in particular, all the colleagues who never stopped asking, "How's the book coming?" and saying, "Hurry up and finish it." Their enthusiasm helped keep this project in the forefront of our priorities. Our appreciation goes to David Cole at Bay Tree Publishing who recognized the value in this project and saw the need to bring it to life. David was also the kind of involved publisher who is such a rare find these days. Thank you for your watchful eye and your enthusiasm for the book. And we thank the following for their support and contributions: Carol Giambalvo, Lorna and Bill Goldberg, Rosanne Henry and Sharon Colvin, Michael Langone, Eugene Methvin, the late Herbert Rosedale, the late Margaret Singer, and Philip Zimbardo. Janja thanks, in particular, Byron Jackson, Dean of the College of Behavioral and Social Sciences at California State University, Chico, whose generous grants helped with expenses related to this project. Two student editorial assistants, Annie Sherman and Rachel Kinney, put in long and tedious hours. Without their help, our deadlines would never have been met. And most especially, Karla McLaren is the dream editor every author wishes for. Her way with words, her keen ability to slice and reorganize, and her remarkable intellect made the final stages of this project a sheer delight. The book is vastly improved because of her caring editorial touch and her genuine concern for and interest in the topic. Last but not least, a big thank you to friend and professional indexer, Darlene Frank, who was willing to index the book on short notice. Madeleine extends her hearty appreciation to Janja for her tireless efforts to keep this book alive in all its forms. Through Janja's perseverance, not only was a publisher found but also Janja did the lion's share of writing and revising this work of love, bringing it up to date so that another generation of former members of cults and cultic abusive relationships would have this useful resource. Without Janja's time, skills, experience, knowledge, and effort, this book would not have come into existence. Janja thanks, in particular, Marny Hall, Alexandra Stein, Polly Thomas, Laurie Wermuth, and Shelly Rosen for their unflagging support and friendship. Janja is remarkably grateful to Shelly for lending her expertise as a therapist with longstanding experience in this field. She reviewed chapters with therapeutic content and authored several important contributions that added to the value of this book. Janja sends a special nod to her long-lost brother, Ron, who resurfaced during this period, and whose riotous phone calls from across the country were a welcome relief from long hours at the computer. With a heartfelt sigh, Janja thanks her partner, Kim, for her encouragement and support, her boundless tolerance, and her love.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  "Lord God Almighty, Father of Thy beloved and blessed Son, Jesus Christ, through whom we have received the grace of knowing Thee; God of angels and powers, and the whole creation, and of the whole race of the righteous who live in Thy presence; I bless Thee for deigning me worthy of this day and this hour that I may be among Thy martyrs and drink of the cup of my Lord Jesus Christ, unto the resurrection of eternal life of soul and body in the incorruption of the Holy Spirit. Receive me this day into Thy presence together with them, as a fair and acceptable sacrifice prepared for Thyself in fulfillment of Thy promise, O true and faithful God. Wherefore I praise Thee for all Thy mercies; I bless Thee, I glorify Thee, through the eternal High-Priest, Jesus Christ, Thy beloved Son, with whom to Thyself and the Holy Spirit, be glory both now and forever. Amen." For a good popular description of Polycarp, including his letter and martyrdom, see The Pupils of St. John the Divine, by the Author of the Heir of Redcliffe, in Macmillan’s "Sunday Library." London 1863. § 167. Barnabas. Editions. First editions in Greek and Latin, except the first four chapters and part of the fifth, which were known only in the Latin version, by Archbishop Ussher (Oxf. 1643, destroyed by fire 1644), Luc. d’achery (Par. 1645), and Isaac Voss (Amstel. 1646). First complete edition of the Greek original from the Codex Sinaiticus, to which it is appended, by Tischendorf in the facsimile ed. of that Codex, Petropoli, 1862, Tom. IV. 135–141, and in the Novum Testam. Sinait. 1863. The text dates from the fourth century. It was discovered by Tischendorf in the Convent of St. Catharine at Mt. Sinai, 1859, and is now in the library of St. Petersburg. A new MS. of the Greek B. from the eleventh century (1056) was discovered in Constantinople by Bryennios, 1875, together with the Ep. of Clement, and has been utilized by the latest editors, especially by Hilgenfeld. O. v. Gebhardt, Harnack, and Zahn: Patr. Ap. 1876. Gebhardt ed. the text from Cod. Sin. Harnack prepared the critical commentary. In the small ed. of 1877 the Const. Cod. is also compared. Hefele-Funk: Patr. Ap. 1878, p. 2–59. Ad. Hilgenfeld: Barnabae Epistula. Inteqram Graece iterum edidit, veterem interpretationem Latinam, commentarium criticum et adnotationes addidit A. H. Ed. altera et valde aucta. Lips. 1877. Dedicated to Bryennios. "Orientalis Ecclesicae splendido lumini." who being prevented by the Oriental troubles from editing the new MS., sent a collation to H. in Oct. 1876 (Prol. p. xiii). The best critical edition. Comp. Harnack’s review in Schürer’s "Theol. Lit. Ztg. 1877, f. 473–’77. J. G. Müller (of Basle): Erklärung des Barnabasbriefes. Leipz. 1869. An Appendix to De Wette’s Corn. on the N. T.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  The idea of sacrifice is the centre of all ancient religions, both the heathen and the Jewish. In Christianity it is fulfilled. For by His one perfect sacrifice on the cross Christ has entirely blotted out the guilt of man, and reconciled him with the righteous God. On the ground of this sacrifice of the eternal High Priest, believers have access to the throne of grace, and may expect their prayers and intercessions to be heard. With this perfect and eternally availing sacrifice the Eucharist stands in indissoluble connection. It is indeed originally a sacrament and the main thing in it is that which we receive from God, not that which we give to God. The latter is only a consequence of the former; for we can give to God nothing which we have not first received from him. But the Eucharist is the sacramentum of a sacrificium, the thankful celebration of the sacrificial death of Christ on the cross, and the believing participation or the renewed appropriation of the fruits of this sacrifice. In other words, it is a feast on a sacrifice. "As oft as ye do eat this bread and drink this cup, ye do show the Lord’s death till He come." The Eucharist is moreover, as the name itself implies, on the part of the church a living and reasonable thank-offering, wherein she presents herself anew, in Christ and on the ground of his sacrifice, to God with prayers and intercessions. For only in Christ are our offerings acceptable to God, and only through the continual showing forth and presenting of His merit can we expect our prayers and intercessions to be heard. In this view certainly, in a deep symbolical and ethical sense, Christ is offered to God the Father in every believing prayer, and above all in the holy Supper; i.e. as the sole ground of our reconciliation and acceptance. This is the deep truth which lies at the bottom of the Catholic mass, and gives it still such power over the religious mind.1034 But this idea in process of time became adulterated with foreign elements, and transformed into the Graeco-Roman doctrine of the sacrifice of the mass. According to this doctrine the Eucharist is an unbloody repetition of the atoning sacrifice of Christ by the priesthood for the salvation of the living and the dead; so that the body of Christ is truly and literally offered every day and every hour, and upon innumerable altars at the same time. The term mass, which properly denoted the dismissal of the congregation (missio, dismissio) at the close of the general public worship, became, after the end of the fourth century, the name for the worship of the faithful,1035 which consisted in the celebration of the eucharistic sacrifice and the communion. The corresponding terms of the Orientals are leitourgiva, qusiva, prosforav.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  I am very grateful to my persistent and brave agents Glen Hartley and Lynn Chu, and to Catharine Sprinkel for the handling of so many things. And to Michael Wolf, a lawyer with real integrity, many thanks. At ReganBooks I want to thank—and applaud—Judith Regan, for her courage, Cassie Jones, who made it all happen on time, and Kurt Andrews, Paul Crichton, Michelle Ishay, Adrienne Makowski, and Kris Tobiassen. And my great gratitude to all my beloved and delightful advisers and friends who offered wonderful suggestions as well as numerous pictorial responses to my work: Elizabeth Alley, Christopher d’Amboise, Scott Asen, Jeff d’Avanzo, Erin Baiano, Beverly Berg, Jim Bessman, John B. Birchell Hughes, Laura Blum, Mary Bresovitch, Steve Brown, Leonard Cohen, Bonnie Dunn and Le Scandal, Alfredo Franco, Janet Goff, Bruce Grayson, Gregory Jarrett, Elizabeth Kramer, Marc Kristal, Maureen Lasher, Gillian Marloth, Michele Mattei, David Mellon, Carolyn Mishne, Adam Peck, Quentin Phillips, Ray Sawhill, Michael Schrage, Michael Sigman, Michael Solomon, David Stenn, Neal Tabachnick, Bill Tonelli, Vicky Wilson, Leslie Zemeckis, and Robin Ziemer. A very special thanks to Paul Kolnik and to my superb lawyer Martin Garbus for making impossibles possible. I extend much gratitude to my gracious publisher Daniel Halpern and the meticulous Libby Edelson for seeing the e-Book into elegant fruition. And, of course, to A-Man, always. About the Author [image file=image_rsrc1FZ.jpg] Toni Bentley danced with George Balanchine’s New York City Ballet for ten years. She is the author “Winter Season: A Dancer’s Journal,” “Holding On to the Air: An Autobiography” (by Suzanne Farrell with Toni Bentley), “Costumes by Karinska” and “Sisters of Salome,” all New York Times Notable Books. She also writes for numerous publications including the New York Times Book Review, the New York Review of Books, The New Republic, Rolling Stone, and Playboy. “The Surrender” was named one of the 100 Best Books of the Year by the New York Times as well as Publishers Weekly and has been published in eighteen languages. The adaptation of “The Surrender” as a one-woman play premiered in Spain in 2012 and will tour South America in 2013. Her essay “The Bad Lion” was included in “Best American Essays 2010,” and she is the recipient of a 2008 Guggenheim Fellowship. For more information on Toni Bentley’s work, please visit www.tonibentley.com or follow her on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/toni.bentley.12 and Twitter @TheToniBentley. Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors. Praise for The Surrender “Ms. Bentley belongs to. . . the tradition of D.H. Lawrence, Norman Mailer, Henry Miller and Anaïs Nin, which sees sex as an avenue to spirituality, to the mystical and sublime.” —CHARLES MCGRATH, The New York Times “Toni Bentley is an absolutely elegant writer and The Surrender—sexy and witty—exemplifies her unique voice and fearless candor.” —GAY TALESE “Wonderfully smart and sexy and witty and moving.” —Publishers Weekly “A small masterpiece of erotic writing.” —LEON WIESELTIER “A fierce and funny book, intimidating and inviting in equally big doses.” —DAVITT SIGERSON

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  Then I told him to go back to the chair, sit down, take out his cock, and stroke himself while I displayed my pussy to him like a stripper girl on the runway, spread lips, swollen red clit, long lean legs, killer shoes. He got pretty fucking hard. Then I asked that he lick my pussy for a while, taking long strokes from my ass to my pussy to my clit and back again, the whole wet package. That was great. Really just great. Next I asked him to concentrate on rimming my asshole with slowly increasing pressure until his tongue started forcing its way inside: “Like you want it.” “Like?” He did want it. Then he served me four or five inches of a red chili pepper vibrator up my ass. I hadn’t asked for that part, so to speak, but it was hot so I didn’t object. Then followed some straight-on clit licking, for as long as it took while I tried to hold out. During this time I indulged all my fantasies, flipping randomly through my Rolodex. Of A-Man watching this other guy lick me and being amused at my outrageous indulgence, approving, and saying to him: “You keep doing that till she’s had enough, then I’ll fuck her ass.” Then I fantasized that A-Man was licking my clit relentlessly—but that was way too exciting, so I had to stop. Then I imagined all the men I’ve been with, and dumped, in a lineup, outside my bedroom window, watching. I displayed my pleasure and my juice like a whore. On and on with the fantasies until the final one, the finishing one: Reality. This man, for reasons I don’t really understand—could it be love?—is willing to be slave to my orgasm, licking until I have had enough (and enough for me, of course, is a lot). This overwhelming experience of abundance pushed me, unexpectedly, into a state of gratitude that manifested in a full body, curved, deep, silent orgasm that took twenty minutes to return from. The Hound, dear, darling Hound, left me quietly, so I could bask in the enormity of the blessedness of my life and the peace of power returned: his submission to me balancing mine to A-Man. Now I’m ready to be fucked in the ass again. I’ll do whatever it takes to be ready for A-Man. This is a measure of my devotion—and, I suppose, of the Hound’s, too. RAZING THE BARRE Training as a classical ballet dancer, as I did, is surely the most intense physical training possible for a young body—day in, day out, hour after hour of meticulous sculpting, shaping, and coercing the body, the belly, and the limbs into shapes, angles, and lines that reach far, far beyond one’s natural physical state. Always going for more of everything, more length, more turns, more turnout, more strength, more-more-more.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  I am very grateful to my persistent and brave agents Glen Hartley and Lynn Chu, and to Catharine Sprinkel for the handling of so many things. And to Michael Wolf, a lawyer with real integrity, many thanks. At ReganBooks I want to thank—and applaud—Judith Regan, for her courage, Cassie Jones, who made it all happen on time, and Kurt Andrews, Paul Crichton, Michelle Ishay, Adrienne Makowski, and Kris Tobiassen. And my great gratitude to all my beloved and delightful advisers and friends who offered wonderful suggestions as well as numerous pictorial responses to my work: Elizabeth Alley, Christopher d’Amboise, Scott Asen, Jeff d’Avanzo, Erin Baiano, Beverly Berg, Jim Bessman, John B. Birchell Hughes, Laura Blum, Mary Bresovitch, Steve Brown, Leonard Cohen, Bonnie Dunn and Le Scandal, Alfredo Franco, Janet Goff, Bruce Grayson, Gregory Jarrett, Elizabeth Kramer, Marc Kristal, Maureen Lasher, Gillian Marloth, Michele Mattei, David Mellon, Carolyn Mishne, Adam Peck, Quentin Phillips, Ray Sawhill, Michael Schrage, Michael Sigman, Michael Solomon, David Stenn, Neal Tabachnick, Bill Tonelli, Vicky Wilson, Leslie Zemeckis, and Robin Ziemer. A very special thanks to Paul Kolnik and to my superb lawyer Martin Garbus for making impossibles possible. I extend much gratitude to my gracious publisher Daniel Halpern and the meticulous Libby Edelson for seeing the e-Book into elegant fruition. And, of course, to A-Man, always. About the Author [image file=image_rsrc1FZ.jpg] Toni Bentley danced with George Balanchine’s New York City Ballet for ten years. She is the author “Winter Season: A Dancer’s Journal,” “Holding On to the Air: An Autobiography” (by Suzanne Farrell with Toni Bentley), “Costumes by Karinska” and “Sisters of Salome,” all New York Times Notable Books. She also writes for numerous publications including the New York Times Book Review, the New York Review of Books, The New Republic, Rolling Stone, and Playboy. “The Surrender” was named one of the 100 Best Books of the Year by the New York Times as well as Publishers Weekly and has been published in eighteen languages. The adaptation of “The Surrender” as a one-woman play premiered in Spain in 2012 and will tour South America in 2013. Her essay “The Bad Lion” was included in “Best American Essays 2010,” and she is the recipient of a 2008 Guggenheim Fellowship. For more information on Toni Bentley’s work, please visit www.tonibentley.com or follow her on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/toni.bentley.12 and Twitter @TheToniBentley. Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors. Praise for The Surrender “Ms. Bentley belongs to. . . the tradition of D.H. Lawrence, Norman Mailer, Henry Miller and Anaïs Nin, which sees sex as an avenue to spirituality, to the mystical and sublime.” —CHARLES MCGRATH, The New York Times “Toni Bentley is an absolutely elegant writer and The Surrender—sexy and witty—exemplifies her unique voice and fearless candor.” —GAY TALESE “Wonderfully smart and sexy and witty and moving.” —Publishers Weekly “A small masterpiece of erotic writing.” —LEON WIESELTIER “A fierce and funny book, intimidating and inviting in equally big doses.” —DAVITT SIGERSON

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  I know the path is right because of the generous and amazing people I have met along the way. It is with heartfelt gratitude that I thank those who gave their time, energy, and experience to making this book a reality: Lynn Alden, David Barlow, Courtney Beard, Susan Bögels, Cara Brookins, David Burns, David Clark, Sophia Dembling, Tiffany Dufu, John Gabrieli, Cynthia Garcia Coll, Philippe Goldin, Richard Heimberg, Stefan Hofmann, Andrea Hopmeyer, Lewis Howes, Jia Jiang, Rachel Lambright, David Langer, David Moscovitch, Kristin Neff, Harris O’Malley, Jennifer Parkhurst, Ron Rapee, Mike Rinck, Peter Shalek, Brandon Stanton, Ty Tashiro, Charlie Taylor, Emma Warnock-Parkes, and Jade Wu. I am forever grateful to the whole team at St. Martin’s Press. Executive Editor Jennifer Weis believed in this project from the beginning and strengthened my belief in it, too. Assistant Editor Sylvan Creekmore was a rock (and rock star) of reason and reassurance throughout. Laura Clark, Leah Johanson, and Kim Lew opened doors I didn’t even know existed. Brad Wood gave me an influx of hope when he talked up the book at launch. Barbara Wild turned the manuscript into a real book, no small task. Senior Editor Alyssa Martino is an extraordinary human. She deserves endless thanks for juggling a million moving parts and offering daily (sometimes more than daily) encouragement, reassurance, guidance, excitement, and—oh yes—editing. Alyssa, you’re a superstar. Thank you to everyone at QDT. Big thanks to Mary Beth Roche, Kathy Doyle, Joe Muscolino, Kelly Dickinson, Morgan Ratner, and Steve Riekeberg. Beata Santora got everything started when she got an unsolicited email pitch from a drifting academic with an itch to write some five years ago. Thank you, Beata, for taking a chance on me. The gifted and accomplished Diana Howard saved the day with her graphs and illustrations in chapters 7 and 9. These drawings are merely the tip of the iceberg of her talent—I hope you enjoy her art as much as I do at DianaHoward.com. Early readers Doron Gan, Robbert Langwerden, Denitza Raitcheva, Juan Sanabria, and Sarah Smith Parmeshwar delivered invaluable feedback and support. Emily Jones kept things afloat and put up with my flailing. Tim Grahl’s book marketing coaching was a godsend. Susan Cain, Nidhi Berry, and Colleen Quinn at Quiet Revolution were endlessly supportive. Lori Richmond, Matthew Guillory, and Claudia Scott created a gorgeous home for me on the web. Lisa Smith, David Barlow, and everyone at CARD supported the parallel universe of my writing life. Mignon Fogarty and all the QDT hosts, especially Monica Reinagel, were so generous in sharing their vast knowledge. As a true research nerd, I say thanks to the staff of the Cambridge Public Library system, the Boston University Libraries, and the Stanford University Libraries. To all the listeners of Savvy Psychologist: I can’t thank you enough. Thank you for listening every week, sending in stupendous show ideas, and posting uplifting comments to me and each other.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  Besides, who would I be if he were not my father? Not me. Not me writing this. No, sir. So, in the end, I’m grateful. After all, I wouldn’t want to be my unwounded self; she might not like ass-fucking and then where would she be? Certainly not in my privileged position, propped on Pink Square, ass in the air several afternoons a week. She’d probably be doing four loads of laundry for her husband and three children at about that same time and wondering about how to fill that emptiness she feels. I’ve only ever met one woman who said that she not only had always adored her father, but that he adored her, always had, and she proudly stated that he was the most beloved man in her life. All the men wanted this woman. She had no hurt, no anger, and no edge. Eventually she married an insanely wealthy entrepreneur. But the rest of us are hurt, angry, and very edgy. Time bombs. Defusing the bomb is a challenge to the feminist man, and arrogance makes him think he can succeed. He can’t. It’s my hurt, my pain, and who are you to take it from me? I don’t need rescuing, I don’t need pity, I don’t need opinions, I need fucking—and maybe a nice little spanking for indulging my anger. I have always embraced David Copperfield’s challenge to be the heroine of my own life. I just always thought it would involve great public deeds or heart-wrenching sacrifices, but no, it’s not like that at all. When I suck his cock and he fucks me in the ass, I am that heroine. It is the deep and sure knowledge that finally, finally, I have really loved a man with no agenda except to love. After my daddy, that is miracle indeed. He has unwound my wound. My ass began life as the tiny pale recipient of Daddy’s angry hand. It was the place of shame, the site of humiliation, the area to hide from The Hand. It received the proof of my shameful badness, my seemingly unavoidable wrongness. I was Bad and I was Punished. And now that same ass—older but wiser—is the coveted arena of a lover’s pleasure where I am naughty and rewarded. And so my ass remains the strongest point of contact with the most important men in my life. It holds my deepest and oldest emotional nerve endings. Is there a direct connection between getting spanked on the bottom, as I was as a child, and my inclination to being anally penetrated? Possibly. If every father who spanked his little girl thought he might be creating a hungry little sodomite, well, that might be a deterrent.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  Colette declared that you couldn’t write about love while in its heady hold, as if only love lost resonates. No hindsight for me in this great love but rather behind-sight—cited from the eye of my behind. This is a book where the front matter is brief and the end matter is all. After all, my end does matter. When you’ve been ass-fucked as much as I have, things get both very philosophical and very silly very quickly. My brain has been rocked along with my guts. Having a cock in her ass really gives a woman focus. Receptivity becomes activity, not passivity. There’s just a whole lot to do. His cock pierces my yang—my desire to know, control, understand, and analyze—and forces my yin—my openness, my vulnerability—to the surface. I cannot do this alone, voluntarily. I must be forced. He fucks me into my femininity. As a liberated woman, it is the only way I can go there and retain my dignity. Turned over, ass in the air, I have little choice but to succumb and lose my head. This is how I can have an experience my intellect would never allow, a betrayal to Olive Schreiner, Margaret Sanger, and Betty Friedan, and an affront, from the rear, to many modern “feminists.” Oh, but once there, there is no going back—not to control, not to being on top, not to men more feminine than me. This is simply how my liberation manifested itself. Emancipation through the back door would never be, for any rational woman, a choice. It can only happen as a gift. A surprise. A big surprise. This story is about my coming to experience—and sometimes understand—terms that allude to spiritual endeavor. I have learned more of their meaning and power through being sodomized than through any other teaching. Anal sex is, for me, a literary event. The words first started flowing while he was actually buried deep in my ass. His pen to my paper. His marker to my blotter. His rocket to my moon. Funny where one derives inspiration. Or how one gets the message. I knew after my initiation that I must write it all down. To keep track, bear witness to myself, to him, to the harmonic energy we generated. Enough to burn holes through the parameters of my existing world. Enough for the word God to take on meaning. Enough for gratitude to flow like water. I didn’t want, afterward, just a memory. Memory would inevitably mar the truth with the vanity of nostalgia and the self-pity of lost desire. I wanted documentation, like a police log, which noted at the time—or moments later, an hour at most—the details of the crime, the crime of breaking and entering my ass, my heart. This record would say: this did happen, this did indeed come to pass in my own life, under my own watch.

• From A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians (1921)

  What par- ticular phase of the meaning of this title as applied to Jesus is here in mind, or why it is chosen instead of Xpeords or Xpiotds *Inoods, which have been used in this passage thus far, there is nothing in the context clearly to indicate. No theory is more probable than that here, as in 116, it is the Son of God as the revelation of God that he has in mind, and that this expression comes naturally to his lips in thinking of the love of Christ. See Rom. 8? ®; but notice also Rom. 5% 8% 99, and observe in the context of these passages the alternation of titles of Jesus while speaking of his love or the love of God, without apparent reason for the change. tod viod tod O00: so NACD> et cKLP, all the cursives, f Vg. Syr. (psh. harcl.), Boh. Sah. Arm. Eth. Goth. Clem., and other fathers. Ln. adopted the reading tod 0c05 xat Xoerotod attested by BD* FGdg. Despite its attestation by B, this is probably a Western corruption. The apostle never speaks of God expressly as the object of a Christian’s faith. Tov ayamnoavTos pe Kal mapaddvTos éavtov wrrép éuod" ‘who loved me and gave himself up for me.” Cf. the note on Tov devtos éauTov UTrép TOY auapTLOV 7 uO, chap. 14. Here as there, and even more clearly because of the use of the verb Tapadiompe (cf. Rom. 4% 8” 1 Cor. 11% Eph. 5? %°, esp. Eph. 5?) in place of the simple 5/dwyt, the reference is to Christ’s volun- tary surrender of himself to death. The use of wé and €uod rather than as and 7uov indicates the deep personal feeling with which the apostle writes. The whole expression, while suggesting the ground of faith and the aspect of Christ’s work with which faith has specially to do, is rather a spontaneous 140 GALATIANS and grateful utterance of the apostle’s feeling called forth by the mention of the Son of God as the object of his faith than a phrase introduced with argumentative intent. On the mean- ing of a@ya7raw, see on 51. 21, Ovw abero tiv ydpw tod Geod’ “TI do not make of no effect the grace of God.”’ This sentence, abruptly introduced without connective, is doubtless an answer to an objection which the apostle knows to have been urged or which he fore- sees may easily be urged against his doctrine. This objection, as is shown by the yapev of this sentence and the reference to law in the next, is to the effect that he is making of no account the special grace of God to Israel in giving them the law (cf. Rom. 3%).

• From A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians (1921)

  To all such I wish to express my appreciation of their services. But I desire espe- cially to mention Professor Arthur Wakefield Slaten, Ph.D., of the Young Men’s Christian Association College in Chicago, who for a period of nearly five years worked with me in almost daily fellowship, and to whom I am deeply indebted for his patient and skilful assistance, and Professor Benjamin Willard Robinson, Ph.D., of the Chicago Theological Seminary, who has generously read the proofs of the book, and made me many valuable suggestions. The list of others, authors whose books I have used, and colleagues whom I have consulted, is far too long to be printed here. ong to be printed here Ernest D. Burton, July 1, 1920, CONTENTS ASIEN IBNAUNIILOINSY 9% SA 6 @ oe oon GNA on oa eee INTRODUCTION— Le GAEATIARANDE THES CAL ATEANS sr eames eimai ieee II. WHERE WERE THE GALATIAN CHURCHES? ..... Acme nesAltermativc Opinions mlm meinem nn nn she History.o1 Opiniones inne aren er B C. Paul’s Use of the Term Tadtatle .....2.2.~. D 3. Some Minor Considerations Derived from Paul’s Hpistles mc e\, uke cuties: here, ee kere fie ars Timp AND PLACE OF WRITING "5 2.0.06 Gs IV. OccAsSION AND PURPOSE OF THE LETTER ...... VaR OURSTIONS SALIISSUE a aiear-aiel teste ntmnsl esis” tours VIZ “GENUINENESS AND INTEGRITY 22. 2 0 266 6 Vile cANALYSISUOPATHE LETTER 5 2 2 < ete 4 ee oe UA MB hey > ABs dos GOD Sie eee Pe a ea ee Mn SE maneery wc Cree [.XAePDEBLIOGRAPH VMN, po aston ieee el ore ch aariee’ ere COMM EINAUA RO Vue tee: cain hc clear ee Ya ales, te a) le Erato PX PADIN DID Sak ye 5, Gone RL. CAMO CRO MDOS IC CU URET ia Tain INDEXES— I. Enciish Worps, SUBJECTS, AND AUTHORS ...... Il. Grerk WORDS AND: PHRASES 2 05) cen <) ) oeomee IIJ. Brstrcat Passaces, Not IN GALATIANS, DISCUSSED IN ET HIS COMMENTARY suet cu seca ne omnes eC Uasa nelly (ee (ein ce PAGE xi 531 540 [Stay oeat Cie sted Creag vet rel iwtie Pilea +e a . in gine nile ee andl Up ‘rattle = oe ee ae athlete | ges ae ont dp opens), @nitgetes all a ¥ ; ee el be i. - iby. bl Day a0} L ler ae ame - ¥6 q je Ubeas! Deistqge ae oT 7 win) RA (ee OF _ J a re i? ee uM rd , be eee - PRP ane an im Masih Ca ol hen? is ae: sik het se ae Pers. ack ae eT Td aks AA = i a Te ee, Pe Ae vo a> OR ei. Hh we See we wie oe aos ue - ave Prep aot heme ABBREVIATIONS. It is assumed that references to the books of the Bible and the O.

• From A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians (1921)

  Xéetc, a word of the same root as yalew and yaok, is used in Greek writers from Homer down to the present day. It is very frequent in classical authors and has a wide range of usage, including ‘‘gracefulness,” “attractiveness,” the quality of giving pleasure (so in Homer, Hesiod, Thucydides, et al.), “graciousness,” “kindness,” ‘good-will towards an- other” (so in Hesiod, Thucydides, A%schylus, Sophocles), or “an act of kind- ness”’ (so from Homer down); and the effect of kindness, viz., “thanks” (so, very often, from Homer down), or of grace, viz., “pleasure,” “ gratifica- tion” (Pindar, Euripides, et al.). From this last-named usage there arose, also, the use of yéerv with the force of a preposition, meaning “for the sake of,” “because of.” II. In the Lxx yéertc is the usual translation of jm (as Aeog is of 1Dn). Like the Greek term in its classical usage, jn signifies “gracefulness,” “‘elegance”’ (Prov. 221 313°), but much more frequently “favour,” ‘“‘ap- proval,” and, usually in the phrases which have no exact parallel in the classical usage of yéets, IN N¥D, “to find favour,” and ym yn2 “to cause to obtain favour.” In itself the term has no religious significance, being used of the obtaining of the approval both of men (Gen. 3027 39”) and of God (Ex. 33%: 2 Sam. 15%). The meanings of ykets not expressed by the Hebrew jn are rather rare in the Lxx and other Jewish-Greek writers. III. InN. T., while retaining nearly all the classical usages, it takes on, under the influence of Christian thought, and especially in Paul, certain distinctly new shades of meaning. Its uses are: 1. As in classical Greek and the Lxx: gracefulness, attractiveness: Lk. 422, tots Adyots tHS ykotTOS. 2. As in classical Greek and the Lxx: kindly disposition, favourable attitude towards another, approval: Lk. 2%: mooéxomtev . . . ydoutt mapa 6e@ xat &vVOeurotc. In this sense the word occurs in phrases derived from the Hebrew through the Lxx: edestv yéety, “to find favour,” both in relation to the favour of God towards men and of men towards one another (Lk. 139 Acts 74°): Sodvat yéetv, “to cause to obtain favour” (Acts 71% though in Jas. 4%, apparently under the influence of Christian thought, a different interpretation is put upon the same phrase as quoted from Prov. 3%); and éyetv yxéetv (Acts 247), not in the sense which this phrase 424 GALATIANS usually has in classic writers, “to have gratitude,” but as the equivalent of the Heb. }7 xsd, a meaning found, however, in Plut. Dem.77. Favour or kindness of a given type may be individualised, giving rise to the ex- pression, } yketc atm (2 Cor. 8°), meaning “this sort of kindness” (to your fellow-Christians), and néo« y&ers (2 Cor. 9%), meaning “every form of (divine) favour.” 3. As in classical Greek and Apocr. but not in the Lxx, and rare in N. T.: kindly feeling because of benefit received, thanks: Lk.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  I didn’t know what a great art cocksucking could be, or what a practitioner I could be, until I found a man who could withstand so much pleasure for such extended lengths of time. So difficult with those guys who come at the mere sight of your mouth on the tip of their cock. It leaves me disabled, impotent. After I suck his cock more fabulously than ever before, that much deeper, that much slower, that much faster, with a bunch of ball sucking, then, after his eyes roll up into his head several times over and he looks seriously disoriented, he takes my head firmly in his hands, refocuses, looks me straight in the eye and says, “Good girl.” To think I’ve been through all this, come this far, just to find out that all I ever really wanted was to be a good girl, Daddy’s good girl. Finally. THE UNFORTUNATE AND BORING PLIGHT OF SO MANY WOMEN I am the victim of the unfortunate and boring plight of so many women—Daddy didn’t love me enough way back when. And my life with men has become the long trail of my mostly subconscious and sometimes desperate attempts to fill that gap, to feel that love, to heal that hurt, to address that loss. Daddy loves me now, accepts me now, respects me now—and I love him. But this is irrelevant. That hole was dug early and is now part of me. My father can no longer fill it. Besides, who would I be if he were not my father? Not me. Not me writing this. No, sir. So, in the end, I’m grateful. After all, I wouldn’t want to be my unwounded self; she might not like ass-fucking and then where would she be? Certainly not in my privileged position, propped on Pink Square, ass in the air several afternoons a week. She’d probably be doing four loads of laundry for her husband and three children at about that same time and wondering about how to fill that emptiness she feels. I’ve only ever met one woman who said that she not only had always adored her father, but that he adored her, always had, and she proudly stated that he was the most beloved man in her life. All the men wanted this woman. She had no hurt, no anger, and no edge. Eventually she married an insanely wealthy entrepreneur. But the rest of us are hurt, angry, and very edgy. Time bombs. Defusing the bomb is a challenge to the feminist man, and arrogance makes him think he can succeed. He can’t.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  This overwhelming experience of abundance pushed me, unexpectedly, into a state of gratitude that manifested in a full body, curved, deep, silent orgasm that took twenty minutes to return from. The Hound, dear, darling Hound, left me quietly, so I could bask in the enormity of the blessedness of my life and the peace of power returned: his submission to me balancing mine to A-Man. Now I’m ready to be fucked in the ass again. I’ll do whatever it takes to be ready for A-Man. This is a measure of my devotion—and, I suppose, of the Hound’s, too. RAZING THE BARRE Training as a classical ballet dancer, as I did, is surely the most intense physical training possible for a young body—day in, day out, hour after hour of meticulous sculpting, shaping, and coercing the body, the belly, and the limbs into shapes, angles, and lines that reach far, far beyond one’s natural physical state. Always going for more of everything, more length, more turns, more turnout, more strength, more-more-more. It takes both body and mind into a place of existence that is beyond normal experience. I learned from the age of four to experience my life through my body, inside my body, always on the brink of perpetual endurance. All this, I believe, prepared me for getting fucked in the ass. It answers the call of my physical masochism. It re-creates the physical extremism of dancing, the discipline, the striving for perfection. It is my being in extremis. Now that I am retired from dancing all of life has a dull edge—except this. A-Man calls it “the Hard Edge of Truth. ” Dancing is about being in service to the choreographer, to the steps, to the music. Allowing this man into my ass reproduces this dynamic of service, of yielding to something greater than myself. Learning to go past—way past—one’s physical comfort level, and to love that moment of going past, is intrinsic to a dancer’s training. It is only in passing this place that one finds that Edge where Risk is real and Rapture resides. If you have a ballerina’s tight ass like mine, the pain and pleasure of the internal pressure of sodomy are inseparable. Ballet school perfects the desire to be perfect, and you can end up a delightful and disciplined little slave. I understand that receiving a cock in your ass goes right in tandem with the psychology of perfectionism that afflicts high achievers like myself. To begin with, we need it: being perfect results in a very tight ass. Secondly, the challenge to remain perfect while being anally penetrated is one of the greatest challenges one could entertain. To succeed surely proves one’s inner and outer perfection of being, shape, health, and resilient attitude.

• From A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians (1921)

  Whether I have been justified in thus emphasising three things, meanings of words, course of thought, relation of the problems discussed by the apostle to those of our own day, others must judge. The choice at any rate was deliberately made and has been persistently followed. Of the lexicographical studies which were made in pursuance of this plan, one, which consumed many months ami ex- tended over years, proved in character and bulk unsuited to I* included in this volume, and was published separately under the title, Spirit, Soul and Flesh: The Usage of II *<?!>/«*, Nft^tf atut Xap|? in Greek Writings and Translated Works /mm the Period to 180 A. D.; aftd of tfteir JKquivalente . » « in /**? Old Testament* Chicago, 1918* The other studies of character the publishers have graciously consented to includr in this volume, the longer ones in an appendix at the end of volume, the shorter ones scattered through If, In the quarter of a century in which I have this C«mi- mentary the chief centre of my work as a .sturfrnt of thr N«*w Testament, I have called to my assistance in thr rullrrtion of material and to a certain extent in th« study of it, a number of those who have sttidyliig in my Fellows of the University of Chicago. To mil I t** express my appreciation of I daily to mention Professor Arthur l*h.I>.t «f the Young Men*» Christian in who for a period of nearly five mm in daily fellowship, and to whom I ant for ttia patient ancl skilful Robinsons Ph. IX, of the has generously the of ttte »$* -valuable The list of I I fet far to be printed X, CONTENTS PACK ABBREVIATIONS ...... ...... .,....,. » INTRODUCTION - I. GALATIA AHI> THK GALATIANS .......... * xvii II. WBBRR WEIE THE GAI.ATIAN CHURCHES? . * . . . nd A, The Alternative Opinions ........... aai B, The History of Opinion . . ..... . . . . , acxiv C*. P&ii!*a Usv nf the Term r«X«t{« . . , ..... xxv /)* Did Putt! Found Churrlws In Northern Gtlatla? . t. Faisl's Illtifw in Clalatla ,„.«,«...., xxbe a, Thr KvkSenrf 0! Acts 16* aivl 18* ..... . j» Minor Ctomklr rations Dwrivfd from Paul'i ,.,..*.......«,. xll IIL Fi^rt, or WIITIMCI .,.»».,. IV. l^:i4AiI«M «F Tl« ...*,* Ill V, TSIF Qi^;?iriftMt4 AT ............. Ivll VI. <t|-.NtriNl:NfcfW AMP ,...,.,.,,. ixv VII, or tin ..»,.......,. kxll Tttr, ..,,,...,,..,.....,. Ixxtv IX. ,,,,»„,,,»»»,,»»,* ., • 1* AMO ,.,.. II. AMP . , , ,,.,,,.. iff. IK ABBREVIATIONS. It Is that references to the books of the Bible and the O. T. Apocrypha, and to the and Jewish-Greek author* will be self*

• From Birthday Girl (2018)

  —Quiero que te quedes —continúa—. Me gusta tenerte aquí. Es agradable volver a casa y tener vida en ella. Tener gente con quien hablar. Es agradable tener ayuda, y… —Aprieta la mandíbula, pareciendo enfadado—. Y no deberías haber tenido que dormir sobre una maldita mesa de billar. Te quedarás aquí mientras lo necesites, ¿entiendes? No quiero que te vayas. Me tiembla la barbilla. Y no puedo evitarlo, las lágrimas se derraman, agacho la cabeza para ocultarlo. —Por favor, no llores de nuevo —suplica—, o tendré que quitar la piscina y construirte un gazebo5 o alguna mierda así. Estallo en carcajadas, sorbiendo por la nariz y secándome los ojos. —No, no quites la piscina. Me gusta la piscina. Acercándome al nuevo jardín, admiro lo grande que es y cuánto trabajo debió tomar. Esto no hace correcto su comportamiento, pero ayuda saber que se esforzó en algo que pensó que me haría feliz. Nadie ha hecho algo así por mí. Quiero decir, mi hermana me ha comprado ropa y me ha llevado a comer, pero Pike ha hecho algo que sabía que yo amaría. Algo que es mucho para mí. —Esto es increíble —aseguro, diciéndolo en serio—. Pero realmente creo que es mejor si simplemente me voy. —Esta es tu casa —me dice—. Quédate mientras quieras. Tú y Cole pueden invitar a sus amigos, poner tu música, encender tus velas… —¿Cobertores de retretes? —bromeo. —Maldición, no. Intercambiamos una risa y vuelvo a mirar la tierra. Podemos cultivar muchos vegetales aquí. —Compré un montón de semillas —indica, tomando una bolsa, y removiéndola a puñados—. Pero no estoy seguro de cómo se planta todo, o cómo se reparte el espacio para cada vegetal, así que pensé ¿que tal vez quieras plantarlo? Me encuentro con su mirada y ambos nos observamos por un momento. Creo que tal vez me quiere cerca más de lo que deja saber. Tal vez como si fuera una intermediaria entre él y Cole, y como dijo, está disfrutando el tener gente en casa. Pone la bolsa de semillas en mi mano y lentamente me quita la maleta de la mano. 5Gazebo: Es un pabellón de planta simétrica, generalmente hexagonal o circular, que comúnmente se encuentra en los parques, jardines, y en áreas públicas. —Pondré esto en el garaje —dice—. Voy a tomar una ducha. ¿Tal vez podamos comenzar a plantar por la mañana? Su mirada parece buscar la mía, y me quedo sin respiración por un momento ante su mirada. Finalmente asiento, dándome la vuelta. Camina de nuevo hacia la casa y luego escucho su voz detrás de mí. —Y si necesitamos más suministros, solo avísame. De todos modos mañana tengo que ir a Home Depot6. —Está bien —susurro. Y luego lo miro sobre el hombro. —Y no eres viejo, ¿sabes? —grito. Me mira, con diversión en su mirada. —Lo suficientemente viejo como para tener mi propia opinión. Y eso estuvo mal de mi parte. —Gracias.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  We are very happy after. We usually don’t speak, just eyes in eyes. I used to like discussing the event once I regained my voice. What is it? What is it really about? Why does it happen? What, in fact, is happening? On and on. We don’t discuss it now, because I know I shall never really understand. Now I am just grateful. Now I just want a three-hour ass-fuck where I give him all my power, he takes it, and takes me to visit God. That’s all I need. Over and over and over. I want to die with him in my ass. #246 Last night I am home from a three-week trip. He is over, and we are silent. He fucks my mouth and my pussy both, long and hard. Then, in my newly virgin ass, slow, deep, one plunge to the hilt. When all in, with my ass suctioning about his cylinder, he finally speaks. “Welcome home.” “Welcome home,” I echo, sucking him in. Later, tired, jet-lagged, overwhelmed, I start to cry—though nothing is particularly wrong. He looks at me weeping and tells me how wonderful my life is and then places my clenched little hand over his crotch, saying, “And I’ve got this big cock here for you—you can hold it if you like.” I break from my self-pity and grab in his shorts, finding his cock in the folds, the gearshift that drives my life. I look up to his face in the shadows and see his eyes are glistening. Then a drop runs slowly down his cheek . . . and another. Astonished, I ask why he is crying. “I don’t know,” he murmurs. Almost 250 ass-fucks got us here, into the essence of unspoken sweetness. THE BOX A beautiful, tall, round, hand-painted Chinese lacquered box. Black and gold. Shiny. A pussycat with long white whiskers on the lid. The collection. The collection of the collection. The condoms. Used. Filled. Hundreds. Latex, sealed with K-Y. Evidence. My mortality. His immortality. DNA. The X and the Y. The Code. Forever. My homage. My altar. My treasure. His life. PARADISE I have learned a few things, by now, about Paradise. Paradise is not that thing in the nebulous, far-off future, in another place, or another world, or another galaxy. It is not a state of mind, or a place in the mind. Nor is it the exquisite sexual pleasure of pulsing blood and moaning desire. Paradise is not achieved only after great suffering. There may well be great suffering before or after Paradise, but it is not the requirement for entry. Wounded ego and rampant narcissism demand suffering. Paradise is just there, here, if you really want it. I am sitting on the threshold. Perhaps this is the final paradox of God’s paradoxical machinations: my ass is my very own back door to heaven. The Pearly Gates are closer than you think. Sacred and profane united in one hole.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  Is his love as deep as mine? I don’t care if it is as superficial as mine is deep as long as he, and his rock-hard desire, show up at my back door several times a week. Sodomy ignites a gratitude of great scope. I suspect that until he shattered the control panel of my being—my mental acuity and my physical power—I had never really loved before. How do you know it’s love, real love? When you meet the one with whom you are not afraid to die. The one who takes away that constant gnawing fear of death and gives one air to breathe. Not afraid to die, this is the feeling he generates when he fucks my ass. Pussy penetration does not delve this far into my psyche; does not break the barrier; does not stop the fear. Did the love or the sodomy come first? Love grows from lust. This I know. Besides, I don’t trust love. I’ve heard it declared too often. But I trust lust completely. #121 After, I say, “Maybe it’s not even sex. Something else. Beyond sex.” Did I have a regular battle-to-the-end clitoral orgasm? No. Had I even thought about it? No. Only a fool would hold on to what she knows while being shown some land of release beyond orgasm. The land of harmony, of deep harmony with another human being. Family. He is my family. K-Y “What’s your afternoon like?” It begins. He has an appointment at six, will be over at three. It is now two. One hour. The courtesan takes over. I turn on the bath, all hot, and let it fill. I check the condom stash and refill it, always having plenty, at least five, more is better, a feeling of bounty, of possibility, like popcorn. I check the K-Y tubes, pushing the insides to the opening end and then rinsing them off under the tap, sticky from last time. The heat rises as I wash those tubes. I use my pink nail brush to wash just under the ridge on the cap where his thumb pushes it open. Dirt always collects there; it’s how I know that tube was used. I adore washing those tubes smooth.

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  Then followed some straight-on clit licking, for as long as it took while I tried to hold out. During this time I indulged all my fantasies, flipping randomly through my Rolodex. Of A-Man watching this other guy lick me and being amused at my outrageous indulgence, approving, and saying to him: “You keep doing that till she’s had enough, then I’ll fuck her ass.” Then I fantasized that A-Man was licking my clit relentlessly—but that was way too exciting, so I had to stop. Then I imagined all the men I’ve been with, and dumped, in a lineup, outside my bedroom window, watching. I displayed my pleasure and my juice like a whore. On and on with the fantasies until the final one, the finishing one: Reality. This man, for reasons I don’t really understand—could it be love?—is willing to be slave to my orgasm, licking until I have had enough (and enough for me, of course, is a lot). This overwhelming experience of abundance pushed me, unexpectedly, into a state of gratitude that manifested in a full body, curved, deep, silent orgasm that took twenty minutes to return from. The Hound, dear, darling Hound, left me quietly, so I could bask in the enormity of the blessedness of my life and the peace of power returned: his submission to me balancing mine to A-Man. Now I’m ready to be fucked in the ass again. I’ll do whatever it takes to be ready for A-Man. This is a measure of my devotion—and, I suppose, of the Hound’s, too. RAZING THE BARRE Training as a classical ballet dancer, as I did, is surely the most intense physical training possible for a young body—day in, day out, hour after hour of meticulous sculpting, shaping, and coercing the body, the belly, and the limbs into shapes, angles, and lines that reach far, far beyond one’s natural physical state. Always going for more of everything, more length, more turns, more turnout, more strength, more-more-more. It takes both body and mind into a place of existence that is beyond normal experience. I learned from the age of four to experience my life through my body, inside my body, always on the brink of perpetual endurance. All this, I believe, prepared me for getting fucked in the ass. It answers the call of my physical masochism. It re-creates the physical extremism of dancing, the discipline, the striving for perfection. It is my being in extremis. Now that I am retired from dancing all of life has a dull edge—except this. A-Man calls it “the Hard Edge of Truth.”