Embarrassment

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  When the videographer at my brother’s wedding jumped in front of me, camera running, and asked, “And what words of wisdom do you have for the bride and groom?” I must have looked like the Road Runner—a circle of legs and puffs of smoke emanating from under my floor-length gown. I left her with mouth agape and eyebrows somewhere close to her hairline. That little red light on her camera might as well have been a barrel of a loaded gun. Suffice it to say, I’m still working on that. But that’s the point: you can work on it. It can happen. You can feel comfortable in your own skin, comfortable talking, comfortable being seen, comfortable with your fellow humans. It will get easier. So much of anxiety is learned, which means it can be relearned. And you don’t need decades and a slog through grad school to outgrow social anxiety. I did it the hard way, but that’s why you’ve got this book. * * * How to Be Yourself is for all of us—and we are many—who find ourselves tangled in social anxiety from time to time, or virtually all the time. Indeed, there are levels. Social anxiety falls along a wide range. The first and most common occurrence along the social anxiety spectrum is socially awkward moments. Even the smoothest among us feel awkward or embarrassed at least sometimes. These are the moments we say, “You, too!” when the waiter says, “Enjoy your meal.” Or we accidentally end up with a handful of breast while hugging a woman. Or we say a heartfelt good-bye to a friend, only to realize we’re both walking the same direction. I’ve done all three of these things more than once. These moments may be cringe worthy, but they’re inescapable, plus they make for a good story and a laugh later. The next level is what is often called shy. I call this everyday social anxiety. If you felt a spark of recognition at the word “shy,” How to Be Yourself is for you. So many of us can relate: we stick tight to our partner or best friend at parties; we eat lunch at our desk; we don’t raise our hand even if we know the answer. We all have the thing we hate doing: making small talk, sharing an elevator with the boss, or asking someone to continue his cell phone conversation outside the movie theater. Left to our own devices or with a few familiar people, we feel totally fine, but our heart pounds when all eyes in the conference room focus on us, we suddenly lose the ability to calculate the tip while our friends finish their drinks and watch, we get sweaty and flustered when we attempt to parallel park outside a crowded sidewalk cafe. We worry we’ll come off as inappropriate or incompetent, and then get frustrated at our own worry: This is stupid!

• From Bold Move

  Often, what we say to ourselves (e.g., I don’t deserve a raise) plays a huge role in convincing us that retreating is the only solution, yet there is always a long-term negative consequence. Before we dive deeper into this flavor of avoidance, here are some additional examples of behaviors that often function as a form of retreating—with the caveat that for some people, this could be a different flavor of avoidance. Keep in mind, for any of these actions to qualify as avoidance there must be a long- term cost. Retreat The main characteristic of retreat as an avoidance strategy is moving away from whatever is making you uncomfortable, so that you can have temporary fast relief from discomfort. You can retreat by walking away, but you can also do it by going inward, focusing on thoughts, and distancing from situations in subtle ways. Below are examples of how you can retreat to avoid: Looking away during difficult conversations Changing the topic of a conversation Excessively exercising Letting emails pile up Putting off small tasks Rescheduling unwanted meetings Grabbing a glass of wine Canceling a date Scheduling events to stay away from your home Scrolling through social media The Brain Can Be a Butt Let’s see how thoughts around negotiating got a colleague of mine stuck. I met Janet at a Harvard Women’s Leadership course where I was speaking on using science-driven skills to help women get results in high-stakes conversations so as to enhance their ability to communicate as leaders. It turned out that Janet worked at the same institution as I did, and just like me, had been there for many years. We were in different departments but had faced similar challenges, and we immediately fell into an easy and familiar rapport. During one of our breaks, Janet approached me in a polite-but-urgent manner and asked if she could confide in me. We found a quiet corner of the conference center, and she explained to me that for the past three years, she had been waiting for the right moment to ask for a raise but had been almost incapable of forcing herself to do it. Janet is an African American woman, a single mother, and this raise would make a huge difference for her and her three children.

• From Bold Move

  He felt he was direct and to the point, and he ultimately wanted to bring out the best in the people who worked for him. “Sure, maybe I don’t have the most elegant way of expressing myself, but how is it my problem that my co-workers have such thin skin?” “Fair question,” I conceded, wanting to meet him where he was, “but if it’s everyone else’s problem, why are you here?” Turns out this visit wasn’t Oliver’s choice. After a recent blowup at work, Oliver’s direct boss—the company’s CEO—had mandated that he meet with someone to address his tendency to— ahem—“tell it like it is.” I told him, “Oliver, I totally get where you’re coming from. A lot of people tell me I can be too direct sometimes too. A bit too forward. And sometimes it rubs people the wrong way.” “Really?” Oliver didn’t seem to believe that the petite, polite New-England- by-way-of-Brazil doctor seated before him could be anything like him. Oliver seemed a little uncomfortable—which made sense: maybe a guy who was so used to seeking out or instigating conflict was always set to “slightly on edge” as his default. Temperamentally, we didn’t seem to have much in common. So, I took a chance to see whether I could get him to chill out a bit and we could begin our session with our rational brains leading the way. Nobody would mistake me for a comedian, but I thought I’d start with a joke. Or at least a funny-ish story. Anything to try to reset his nervous system a bit. “Funny story,” I said to Oliver, hoping he might believe me. “When I first came to the US, I spoke very little English, so I learned about expressions by hearing them. After all, you don’t actually see colloquial expressions in a lot of academic books. So, for my first few years in the US, I would always tell my friends that I didn’t get this whole ‘Shit around the bush’ saying. They would always nod politely and look at me with confusion.” Oliver looked confused too, and I reassured him that his confusion was indeed the correct response. “So after I’d been saying ‘shit around the bush’ for probably ten years, a friend of mine finally said, ‘Hey Luana, you do know that the expression is “beat around the bush,” right?’ I didn’t! Naturally, I was embarrassed, yet again. See in Brazil, the bathrooms in gas stations are basically horrifying, so on road trips, the roadside bushes were the much better option, and so I grew up around people literally ‘shitting around the bush.’” Okay, so I’m not the Brazilian Seinfeld (even my comedy references are outdated!), but Oliver laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Mission accomplished. So, I jumped in to try to understand how Oliver saw his own anger. I asked him to tell me about any recent incidents where his anger got the better of him or caused an issue at work.

• From My Life and Loves, Vol. 1 (of 4) (1922)

  To my surprise the court was half full. Judge Stevens even was present, whom I had never seen in court before. About eleven the Judge informed the audience that I had passed a satisfactory examination, had taken out my first papers in due form and unless some lawyer wished first to put questions to me to test my capacity, he proposed to call me within the Bar. To my astonishment Judge Stevens rose: “With the permission of the Court”, he said, “I’d like to put some questions to this candidate who comes to us with high University commendation.” (No one had heard of my expulsion though he knew of it.) He then began a series of questions which soon plumbed the depths of my abysmal ignorance. I didn’t know what an action of account was at old English common law: I don’t know now, nor do I want to. I had read Blackstone carefully and a book on Roman law; Chitty on Evidence, too, and someone on Contracts—half a dozen books and that was all. For the first two hours Judge Stevens just exposed my ignorances: it was a very warm morning and my conceit was rubbed raw when Judge Bassett proposed an adjournment for dinner. Stevens consented and we all rose. To my surprise Barker and Hutchings and half a dozen other lawyers came round to encourage me: “Stevens is just showing off”, said Hutchings, “I myself couldn’t have answered half his questions!” Even Judge Bassett sent for me to his room and practically told me I had nothing to fear, so I returned at two o’clock, resolved to do my best and at all costs to keep smiling. The examination continued in a crowded court till four o’clock and then Judge Stevens sat down. I had done better in this session; but my examiner had caught me in a trap on a moot point in the law of evidence and I could have kicked myself. But Hutchings rose as the senior of my two examiners who had been appointed by the Court, and said simply that now he repeated the opinion he had already had the honor to convey to Judge Bassett, that I was a fit and proper person to practice law in the State of Kansas. “Judge Stevens”, he added, “has shown us how widely read he is in English common law; but some of us knew that before and in any case his erudition should not be made a purgatory to candidates: it looks”, he went on, “as if he wished to punish Mr. Harris for his superiority to all his classmates in the University. “Impartial persons in this audience will admit”, he concluded, “that Mr. Harris has come brilliantly out of an exceedingly severe test and I have the pleasant task of proposing, your Honor, that he now be admitted within the Bar, though he may not be able to practice till he becomes a full citizen two years hence.”

• From The Christian Tradition: A History of the Development of Doctrine, Vol. 4: Reformation of Church and Dogma (1300-1700) (1984)

  And so through all the Alternative Theologies of the Incarnation 251 various concrete scenes of the life of Jesus, the theology of the hypostatic union found substantiation for its in sistence upon the one Lord Jesus Christ as the subject. Yet this insistence contradicted some of those concrete scenes, notably those that attributed growth and develop ment to Jesus. If John 1:14 was the proof text for this theology of the hypostatic union, its crux of interpreta tion was Luke 2:52: "And Jesus increased." Taunting his opponents with this passage, Nestorius asserted: "He is brought to perfection who increases little by little, about Nest.Hom.in Heb.3:i (Loofs whom Luke also exclaims in the Gospels: 'J esu s increased 235-36); Nest.Baz.2.1 . . , , ,, , . (Bedjan 338) in stature and in wisdom and in grace. Cyril responded to such challenges with the suggestion that the Logos could have brought his body to perfection immediately and that he could easily have endowed it with wisdom immediately. But this would have been "a monstrous affair and a violation of the words of the economy [of salva- Cyr.chr.un. (sc 91:454) tion]." Therefore the incarnate Logos, who in his divinity could not increase or change, took our nature upon himself to such an extent that he did increase. If Cyril's opponents were even more concerned to safeguard the absoluteness and immutability of the divine nature than he was, his embarrassment at the "increasing" of Christ was understandable. The theology of the hypostatic union could do justice to the predominant tendency of the Bible, which was to speak quite indiscriminately of the divine or the human in Christ while retaining the same subject; it could not do justice to those passages in which this tendency was replaced by language about the growth of Jesus. Or, to put it in the terminology of its proof text, this theology ran the danger of changing the incarnation into a theophany by reading John i .14 as follows: "And the Word became flesh . . . and we beheld his glory."

• From The Christian Tradition: A History of the Development of Doctrine, Vol. 4: Reformation of Church and Dogma (1300-1700) (1984)

  The New [Testament] manifested the Son, and suggested the deity of the Spirit. Now the Spirit himself is resident among us, and provides us with a clearer explanation of himself." The obscurity of the Old Testament references to the Trinity provided the occasion for other analogous theories of development. But Amphilochius of Iconium, in addition to proposing that the One was manifest in the Pentateuch, the Two in the prophets, and the Three only in the Gospels, also provided, in his synodical letter of 376, a simpler and more plausible explanation of the vagueness of the doc trine of the Holy Spirit in the creed adopted at Nicea: "It was quite necessary for the fathers then to expound more amply about the glory of the Only-Begotten, since they had to cut off the Arian heresy, which had recently arisen. . . . But since the question about the Holy Spirit was not being discussed at the time, they did not go into it at any greater length." THE MYSTERY OF THE TRINITY 212 Gr.Naz.Of.31.21 {PG 36:157) Gr.Naz.Of.31.12 {PG 36:145) Ath.^f.3.15 {PG 26:353) Ath.Ep.Serap.1.1 {PG 26:532) ap.Cyr.Dial.Trin.j {PG 75:1076-77) Socr.H.tf.2.45 (Hussey 1:365-69); Soz.H.e.4.27.5 {GCS 50:184) Gr.Naz.Of.31.13 {PG 36:148) Ath.Tom.5 {PG 26:800) Bas.EZ7.263.5 {PG 32:981) Marc.jr.67 {GCS 14:197-98) Bas.Spir. 16.40 {PG 32:141) Meth.Symp.3.8.72 {GCS 27:36) It was not only the Council of Nicea that was silent about the deity of the Holy Spirit, however. Scripture itself, one had to concede, did not "very clearly or very often call him God in so many words, as it does first the Father and later on the Son." This silence was a source of considerable embarrassment. Similarly, the liturgical usage of the church did not seem to provide instances of worship or prayer addressed to him. It was, of course, to be expected that those who refused the title God to the Son should also demur at calling the Spirit God and should describe the Spirit as created out of nothing. But there were also some who, having broken with the Arians on the question of Christ as creature, nevertheless "op pose the Holy Spirit, saying that he is not only a creature, but actually one of the ministering spirits, and differs from the angels only in degree."

• From The Christian Tradition: A History of the Development of Doctrine, Vol. 4: Reformation of Church and Dogma (1300-1700) (1984)

  Yet a development of doctrine there is, and one which can (keeping as much of the chronology in view as can safely be determined from the documents) be traced in its own terms. Even in the interpretation which we have just sum marized, the Nicene formulation left certain fundamental doctrinal questions unanswered and certain lingering suspicions unallayed. And as the interpretation and de fense of Nicea thickened, the questions of the gainsayers became ever more insistent and their suspicions increas ingly difficult to dismiss as baseless. The furor over Mar- cellus proved an embarrassment to Nicene orthodoxy. One of the signers in 325 and a fellow exile with Athana- sius at Rome in 339, Marcellus of Ancyra asserted the THE MYSTERY OF THE TRINITY 208 unity of the Godhead, on the basis of the passages of identity, in terms that compelled him to interpret the pas- Maro/r.43 (Gcs 14:192) sages of distinction as only temporary and "economic": Son and Spirit were not eternal in the Godhead, but ''Son" Marc/r.109 (GCS 14:208) was the name properly given only to the incarnate one. Against the identification of Son and Logos, Marcellus insisted that only "Logos" was an appropriate title for Marc/r.43 (GCS 14:192) the preexistent one, and that even this referred to a Logos immanent in God and internal to him rather than to an eternally subsisting Logos. He did not use homoousios in the fragments of his works that have been preserved, though it was used in a statement of faith which may have come from Marcellus, attacking the Sabellians for their Vs.Ath.Exp.fid.2 (PG 25:204) denial of the doctrine. Nevertheless, it is safe to see in his theology a version of the homoousios according to which the unity of God was safeguarded before the incarnation by the complete immanence of the Logos and after the incarnation by the surrender of the kingdom of the Son iCor.i5:28; . Marc./r.n6 (Gcs 14:209-10) to the Father, that God might be all in all. It was in re sponse to this latter contention that the final recension of Didym.77/'«.i.3i (PG .f ,„._. ,, , 1t . , 39:421-25) the Nicene creed eventually came to incorporate the clause, "of his [Christ's] reign there will be no end." But more important for the development of the trinitarian dogma is how this crypto-Sabellianism of Marcellus vin dicated the charge of his opponents that the Nicene for mula needed revision and amplification to clarify what was meant by the One in God. They were, if anything, even more critical of the in adequacy of the Nicene formula as a statement of the complementary doctrine of the Three in God, and with good reason.

• From The Christian Tradition: A History of the Development of Doctrine, Vol. 4: Reformation of Church and Dogma (1300-1700) (1984)

  Initially, it seems, the council had wanted to adhere to the ipsissima verba of Scripture, such as that the Son was "from God"; but when passages like i Corinthians 8:6 and 2 Corinth ians 5:17 were adduced to prove that "all things are from God" in the sense of being created by him, the bishops at the council "were forced to express more distinctly the sense of the words 'from God.' " This they did especially in two formulas: "only-begotten, that is, from the ousia of the Father"; and "homoousios." In the Gospel of John and in 1 John—especially if, as many fourth-century theologians supposed, the variant reading "the only- begotten one, God" is the correct one in John 1:18—the term had something of the quality of a technical title; at the very least, it had stressed the uniqueness of the "be getting" of Christ by God. But in his confession of faith addressed to Alexander, Arius had explained it to mean, among other things, "a perfect creature of God, but not as one of the creatures." Asterius had declared that though Christ was called "the power of God," neverthe less "there are many of those powers which are one by one created by him [God], of which Christ is the first born and only-begotten." The creed at Nicea, therefore, called the Son "only- begotten, that is, from the ousia of the Father," in a sense quite different from the way all (other) creatures could be said to be "from God." It was also an attack on Arius —in fact, a direct turning upon him of the very weapon he had brought—when the creed designated Christ as homo- ousios. According to Eusebius of Caesarea, the term was added at the urging of Constantine; and it usually has been attributed to Western sources, mediated through Ossius of Cordova. The variety of its meanings and its previous association with Gnosticism—and, as Arius had pointed out, with Manicheism—made it suspect to the orthodox; its identification with the condemned ideas of Paul of Samosata was to be a source of embarrassment to its defenders long after Nicea. But at Nicea, the doctrine it expressed was "that the Son of God bears no resem blance to the genetos creatures [that is, those that have a beginning], but that He is in every way assimilated to the Father alone who begat Him, and that He is not out of any other hypostasis and ousia, but out of the Father." Christ as Homoousws 203 The anti-Arian polemic of these two additions was made even more explicit by the closing anathemas of the creed, which read like a summa of Arian dogmatics. They condemned any and all of the various formulas by which Arius and his supporters had attempted to range Christ on the other side of the line separating Creator from crea ture.

• From The Christian Tradition: A History of the Development of Doctrine, Vol. 4: Reformation of Church and Dogma (1300-1700) (1984)

  3.22-31 (Hennecke 305-306) ap.Or.Cels.7.8 (GCS 3:160) Just.Dial.82.1; 88.1 (Good- speed 194; 201) Iren.Haer.2.32.4 (Harvey i:374-75) Cypr.E/Mi.3-6 (CSEL 3:497-500); Cypr.Ep.66.10 (CSEL 3:734) ap.Eus.H.^.5.17.4 (GCS 9:472) related phenomena worthy of special treatment; both indicate a process of settling already at work in the second- century church, and perhaps earlier, by which many Chris tians were beginning to adjust themselves to the pos sibility that the church might have to live in the world for a considerable time to come. Part of that process of settling was the gradual decline, both in intensity and in frequency, of the charismata that had been so prominent in the earlier stages of the Christian movement. The Ascension of Isaiah, an apocryphal Christian addi tion to the Book of Isaiah, dating probably from the latter part of the first century or at the latest the early part of the second century of the Christian era, described in quasi-apocalyptic language what was going to happen: "And there will be a great contention about his advent and his coming. . . . And the Holy Spirit will withdraw from many. Nor will there be in those days many prophets or those who speak things confirmed, except a few in a few places. . . . And they will neglect the prophecy of the prophets who were before me, neglecting my visions as well." It would be useful to investigate how long visions, dreams, and apocalypses continued in the church, along with the claim to speak on behalf of the Holy Spirit, and how all of this died out among the laity but continued among the clergy, and especially among the monks. Celsus attested to the presence of "prophets" in Palestine and Phoenicia. Justin Martyr based his case against Judaism partly on the claim that "among us until now there are prophetic charismata," while they had died out among the Jews; and Irenaeus described the many brethren in the church of his day who had these charismata, speaking in tongues by the Spirit, bringing out the secrets of men's hearts and the mysteries of God. Though not a Montanist, Cyprian contended that the church had a greater share of visions, revelations, and dreams than did they, and Eusebius's anonymous anti- Montanist critic believed that "the apostle declares that the prophetic charisma should continue to be in the entire church until the last parousia." It therefore seems to be correct to note that this type of prophetic speech was at home in the Montanist sect and in the greater church. But the tone of this insistence on the part of the critics of Montanism seems to indicate a certain amount of em barrassment on their part that in practice if not in prin- OUTSIDE THE MAINSTREAM IOO John 14:16; 15:26; 16:7-13 ap.Eus.H.^.5.16.7 (GCS 9:462) Eus.H.f.5.16.9 (GCS 9:462-64) Tert.Anim.9.4 (CCSL 2:792-93) Pass.Perp.

• From The Sexual Life of Catherine M. (2001)

  Drifting could have been another theme. Cars trundle along, stop, set off again, brake abruptly like remote-control toys. Little ploy at the porte Dauphine: we eye each other up from one car to the next and the password seems to be ‘do you have a place?’ So some cars leave the circle and we start on a sort of chase to an unknown address. Once, and it’s true it was only once, the search goes on a bit too long and we end up doing something foolish. I am with a group of friends who don’t know the Bois very well; there are six of us squashed into a Renault and we’re getting ready to go home after driving round in circles. We spot two or three cars down one of the many roads, we park alongside them and I, the brave and boastful little soldier going ahead in the name of all the others waiting behind me, go and give a blow job to the driver of the car behind us. As luck would have it, two policemen come and take up positions in front of me when I withdraw. They ask the man who is awkwardly buttoning himself up whether he paid me, and they take down everybody’s name and address.

• From White Oleander (1999)

  I never thought I’d see my mother plaster herself against a stout ponytailed man in the hallway outside our apartment, or let him inch his hand up her skirt under the table when we ate dinner one night at a dark Hunan restaurant in old Chinatown. I watched her close her eyes, I could feel the waves of her passion like perfume across the teacups. In the mornings, he lay with her on the wide white mattress when I crossed the room on the way to the toilet. They would even talk to me, her head cradled on his arm, the room full of the scent of their lovemaking, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It made me want to laugh out loud.

• From A Sexplanation (2021)

  Like that? Wow. [Mom] You can fix your collar a little bit. [Alex] My mom, Lisa. [Dad] I'm gonna keep her. [Alex] That's my grandma, I call her Popo [Popo] I'm overwhelmed. He's really remarkable. I don't know how he got into our family. [Lisa clearing throat] -How's that? [Dad] This is just a T-shirt, right? -[laughs] [Alex] Yeah. [Dad] Doesn't matter. [Alex] I'm nervous. I laugh when I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I brought them here to talk about something we've never talked about. Did you ever think you have to like, have a sex talk with the kids? Like, at some point you need to have "the talk"? -I always thought dad should do it. [laughing] Yeah, I guess I just didn't feel comfortable talking to you guys. [Alex] I don't remember us ever sitting down and having like- [Mom] Yeah, I don't think we did. [Alex] A sex talk, yeah. [Dad] I always felt that when they want to discuss something you should discuss it. They never came to us to discuss it. If we started talking talking about it and you don't feel comfortable, you're gonna just clam up. It's not gonna go anywhere. [Mom] But are you talking more like, having a relationship? [Alex] Not only- even the idea of like, getting an erection, you know? [Mom] Oh. [Alex] Like, what is that? [Mom] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Dad] But don't they have, during the junior high and high school sex ed, don't they discuss on- -[Mom] Yeah, and then we also thought maybe it's been covered, you know, in school. [Alex] Yeah, I mean, we definitely got the lesson of what the biology is, but then what we don't get is like, here's the variety of sexual expression that humans encompass. -Yeah. That didn't even cross my mind, that that was lacking, this whole range. -Yeah, but we were more concerned about you are taking advanced physics class and chemistry class than sexuality. That was one of our least concerns. -That's probably true. [laughing] I remember Mom talking about getting your period because I think you wanted me to know before I actually got my period. -Perhaps because- -Because you didn't know. -No one ever told me. My first year in college I took a course in birth control. And when I talked to my pastor about it he was horrified and told me to drop out of that class. -Really? So then do you feel like you were prepared for sex? -Not in the best way. Even after marriage, Dad and I had some difficulties on our wedding night and we had to go to a, well, it was a military doctor and explain our problems. -What was that like? Was that a difficult conversation to have? -It was relieving knowing that we didn't have a medical problem, it was just not knowing the kind of the behavior that would be natural.

• From The Ice Storm (1994)

  And it helped the vacuum-cleaner business move units. The seating unit had come to replace the couch in the vanguard of living room accommodations. A minimalist vocabulary was evident in these ingenious designs, reflecting the influence of simple, primal iconography in sculpture and architecture. Single-color stylings decorated sleek, curvaceous, cornerless shapes. The modular pieces of these seating units could be easily moved and rearranged in a variety of amoebic configurations. The traditional couch—and with it the loveseat, the divan, and the chaise longue—was in eclipse. The new seating units were often fashioned from polyurethane foam, a cheap, easy-to-manufacture, artificial filling. The Furniture Council of the Society of the Plastics Industry even presented a Poly Award for the groundbreaking adaptation of polymers. In 1973 it went to Donald A. Geddes, editor of American Furniture Design , who was named Polymer Man of the Year. Benjamin Hood reflected on fashion only briefly upon taking his wife’s hand—noticing in passing her ring and the raw, red crevices that surrounded it. She needed lotion. Passing across the Halfords’ threshold, into the foyer with its large standing sculpture—a melted I-beam twisted into a sort of anguished helix—catching a glimpse of the clustering and valent neighbors arranged in the corridor, Hood realized the truth of the matter: his ascot was no longer in fashion. In fact, sweaters , furry and dense and of Netherlandish origin, were numerous in the front hall at Dorothy and Robert Halford’s. There were a few old tweed jackets, but no ascots. Had Hood been in a mind to comfort himself, he might have approved of his ample shirt collar, spread wide on the wings of his lapels. But how had he managed to get out the door wearing the ascot? How had he let himself? Hood didn’t wear three-inch cork heels or white loafers. And he didn’t wear his hair long or wear double-breasted suits or pleated pants. His gesture toward what he saw as a more flamboyant presentation had been these ascots, fashioned of a silk he liked to feel against his neck, against spots irritated by his Wilkinson double-bonded razor. But these ascots were no longer appropriate. Only months before, Benjamin Hood had lived in the certainty that his dress was in accord with the prevailing climatic conditions. But now, just as quickly, he was solitary in his garb. He dressed poorly. He disgraced himself. His wife looked fine, in her slacks and Hush Puppies, but he disgraced her company. Of women’s fashion at the Halfords’, Hood might have noticed ankle-length skirts, dignified and elegant, though there were also skirts at the knee and the midcalf. Here, too, sweaters were the accessory of choice, reflecting a polyphony of styles—sweaters of cashmere, mohair, and shetland. Sweaters, sweaters, sweaters. Sweaters, and pearls. Dorothy Halford overtook them in the foyer. With a free hand, she waved a little celery canoe at them. It was loaded down with an aqua-colored dip.

• From Bright Lights, Big City (1984)

  You might as well take a leak, though, as long as you are here. You unzip and aim for the bowl. There is a poster with some kind of print in front of you. You lean forward to read it, and then you lean back, so as not to fall forward. You try to grab hold of the shower curtain as you go down but you can’t get a grip. “Are you all right?” Megan says from the other side of the door. “Fine,” you say. You are mostly in the tub. Only your feet stick out, way down at the far end of your body. It’s not uncomfortable, really, except that you are a little damp around the midsection. You will have to investigate this. Find the source. In a minute. The door opens. Help is on the way. SOMETIMES A VAGUE NOTIONYou wake up with a cat on your chest. You are on a couch, wrapped in a quilt. After a few minutes you recognize Megan’s apartment. Her bed is empty. The clock on the nightstand says 11:13. That would be A.M ., judging by the sunlight. The last thing you remember is an amorous lunge at Megan somewhere in the P.M .; presumably unsuccessful. You have the feeling you have made a fool out of yourself. You sit up in bed and marvel at this strange pair of pajamas. You stand up. There is a note on the kitchen table: Eggs, English muffins and orange juice in fridge. Your clothes are hanging in bathroom. Give a call later on. Love—Megan . At least she doesn’t hate you. Perhaps you did not entirely disgrace yourself. Better not to think about it. You find your clothes in the bathroom. Everything is stiff and clean as if freshly laundered. The calico cat jumps up on the sink and rubs its head on your hip as you dress. You should leave a note for Meg. You find a pen and a fat pad in which every sheet has MEMO written across the top. Dear Meg—Thanks for the bed and board. Dinner was delicious . Now what? Should you acknowledge loss of full recall? I guess I nodded off a little early . The question is, what did you do before that? For that matter, what about after? What you need is an all-purpose apology. Something to cover each possible misdemeanor. Please excuse my lapse from gentlemanly comportment. Let’s get together soon, maybe for lunch . You rip this up. On the new sheet you write: Dear Megan—I’m sorry. I know I’m always saying that, but I mean it. Thank you . The phone is ringing when you get back to your apartment. Living dangerously, you answer. It’s Richard Fox, the reporter. He says he heard a rumor about your recent loss of employment. He says he liked a book review you wrote for the Village Voice a while back.

• From In the Unlikely Event (2015)

  But I love this handsome boy!” She squished those big breasts against Mason and was headed for a kiss on his mouth, but Mason turned his head at the last minute and the kiss landed on the side of his face, leaving a big red lipstick splotch. Mason untangled himself, never taking his eyes off Miri, as if to say, It’s not my fault, I don’t know what’s going on here…don’t blame me… For a minute Miri’s eyes questioned him, while Polina went on and on. “This wonderful, strong, brave boy.” Polina must have noticed the look on Miri’s face because she said, “Oh no! Mason, you have girlfriend and you didn’t tell me?” She pretend-slapped the side of her head and tried to laugh, not a genuine laugh, a nervous laugh. “I love him like mother,” she told Miri, recognizing her mistake. She could probably get fired for having a thing with one of the boys at Janet. “You understand? Like mother loves son.” Miri never saw a mother kiss her son that way. “I hope my Stash grows up strong and brave like Mason.” Miri didn’t say anything. She and Mason just looked at each other while Polina dug herself in deeper. Stash tugged on Mason’s arm. “Come for sleepover so we can play. Mama has big new bed. I have new bed.” Come for sleepover? Mama has big new bed? Miri felt the panic rising, her heart pounding, the urge to run too strong to resist. She took off, running for her life, leaving her books behind, leaving everything behind. “Miri, wait!” Mason chased after her. “It’s not what you think.” She stopped abruptly and faced him, this boy she loved totally, absolutely, this boy she’d trusted with all her heart, with all her soul. She was crying now, she couldn’t stop, and she didn’t care. She swiped her hand across her nose. “She’s the friend I was telling you about,” Mason said, breathless from running after her. “She cooks at Janet.” “I know who she is.” “That kiss, it didn’t mean anything. That’s just the way she is. That’s how it was in Poland when she was growing up. They kiss everyone on the lips. It has nothing to do with us .” “Really? That’s what you expect me to believe?” He waited too long to answer. “I never meant to hurt you. Why would I hurt you? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” “Stop! No more lies.” “Miri, please, listen…I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how. I tried to end it…and now it’s over…I promise, it’s over.” “I never want to see you again.” “Miri…don’t do this.” He reached out to grab her but she was faster. She stopped only once before she got home, to see if he was following, but he wasn’t. MasonHe couldn’t stand the idea of losing her. And losing her because of what—some stupid kiss he didn’t even want? Damn! He’d screwed up.

• From Buddenbrooks: The Decline of a Family (1901)

  But just imagine, Mama, yesterday some high-ranking churchman drove past me in his carriage on Theatinerstrasse, maybe it was the archbishop, an elderly gentleman – enough, and this gentleman throws a couple of eyes at me out of the window like a lieutenant guard! You know, mother, I don't think much of your friends, the missionaries and pastors, but tearful Trieschke is certainly not against this suitier of a church prince..." “Ugh!” the consul interjected, distressed. "Really Tony!" said the Consul. "Why, Tom?" 'Well, shouldn't she have provoked him a little... for the test? I know Tony! And anyway, that 'pair of eyes' amused her immensely...which I suppose was the old man's intention." The Consul didn't respond to this, but continued to read: "The day before yesterday, the Niederpaurs had a dinner party, which was wonderful, although I couldn't always follow the conversation and sometimes found the tone quite équivoque . There was even a court opera singer who sang songs and a young painter who asked me to have him paint my portrait, which I refused because I didn't think it was appropriate. The best thing I can do is to talk to a Mr. Permaneder entertain - would you have ever thought that someone could be called that? —, hop merchant, a nice, jolly man of mature age, and a bachelor. I had him at table and stuck with him because he was the only Protestant in the company, for although he is a good citizen of Munich his family is from Nuremberg. He assured us that he knew our company very well by name, and you can imagine, Tom, how pleased I was at the respectful tone in which he said it. He also asked exactly about us, how many brothers and sisters we were, and the like. He also asked about Erika and even about Grünlich. He sometimes comes to Niederpaurs and will probably go to the Würmsee with us tomorrow. Farewell, dear Mama, I can no longer write. With life and health, as you always say, I'll stay here for another three or four weeks, and then I can tell you about Munich by word of mouth, because I don't know what to do with the letter. But I like it very much, I can say that, but you would have to train a cook to make decent sauces. You see, I'm an old woman who's life is behind her and I have nothing more to expect on earth, but if, for example, Erika were to marry here later on in life and health, I wouldn't have anything against that, I have to say ..." Here the Consul had to stop eating and lie back on the sofa, laughing. “She is priceless, mother! If she wants to feign, she is incomparable!

• From Blue Like Jazz (2003)

  So I was thinking I could move in with the guys and we could tell everybody we had raging parties but never actually have them. I didn’t know whether to make the move or not. Rick kept bothering me about it. I was living way out in the country, about thirty miles from town, and he kept asking me if I was lonely out there, if I wouldn’t much rather move into town with a bunch of guys from the church. He asked if I had the chance to minister to anybody out there in the country. He asked if I was having any influence on the cows. I told him I was having a lot of influence. I wrote books. He laughed. I sat there uncomfortably while he laughed. “Books,” he said. “Brilliant! You write books for people.” He couldn’t stop laughing. He was being very annoying. [image "9780785263708_0190_002" file=Image00072.jpg] I moved in with five other guys about a month after talking with Rick. We found a house in Laurelhurst, one of the houses on the traffic circle at 39th and Glisan. We lived across the street from the giant statue of Joan of Arc. You’ll see the statue if you come to Portland. I liked it at first. It was a big house, and I got the best room, the room with all the windows. My room literally had windows on every wall, about ten windows in all. It was like living in a green house. I set my desk in front of the huge window that looked down on the traffic circle and the statue. My friends used to drive around the circle and honk when they went by. I always forgot I lived in a glass room so I would pull my finger out of my nose just in time to wave back. I went from living in complete isolation to living in a glass box on a busy street. One of the best things about living in community was that I had brothers for the first time ever. We used to sit on the porch and watch cars go around the roundabout. We used to stare at the statue of Joan of Arc and wonder, out loud, if we could take her in a fight. I have a picture on my desk of the six guys at Graceland, which is what we named the house. People thought we named the house Graceland because we wanted it to be a place where people experienced God’s grace and unconditional love. But we didn’t think about that till later. We really named it Graceland because that was the name of the house Elvis lived in, and, like Elvis, we were all pretty good with the ladies. The picture on my desk is more than a picture of six guys; it is a picture of me in my transition, not a physical transition but more of an inner shift from one sort of thinking to another.