Disappointment

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Like Family

  They crouched down and walked back and forth through the shallow water with their mouths open. When a goldfish swam in, they chomped their teeth together and then swung their big heads to one side. The little fish flew into the grass to shrivel like apricots. You’d think the dogs would have eaten the goldfish, they were carnivores after all, but they seemed more interested in the hunt. Ten minutes later, Penny came out of the house looking unscarred. We asked her what happened, but she just pointed to Tina. “Your turn,” she said, and then deflated onto the grass. “Sorry. Dad says I have to zip my lip.” All Teresa and I could do was wait—too cruel—while the dogs chomped and flung, chomped and flung. Finally I was up. Bub still sat at the table, with the dishes pushed back and piled all around. He had the notebook paper open and the pen uncapped, and his watch was off and lying next to them. “Sit down,” he said. “This is a lie-detector test. If you’re lying I’ll know.” He took my hand in his and put two fingers on my wrist at the pulse point. “Did you take the money in Hilde’s purse?” “No,” I said. He wasn’t looking at me but at the watch. He was counting. “Do you know who did take the money?” “No.” The Timex ticked on. I could feel my blood under his pressing fingers. “Did Teresa take the money?” “No. I don’t know.” He wrote something down on the paper and then told me I could go. The only one left was Teresa, and although I wasn’t there for her test, we soon found out she failed miserably. Her pulse raced and raced when Bub asked her the questions. It was so obvious she was the one. I heard her screaming in her room when I came back into the house. She had been grounded for a month and Bub had taken away her ugly-ass dumpling car, the one she didn’t want in the first place. “Let this be a lesson to you,” Bub said to Penny and me as we tried to watch Mork and Mindy over Teresa’s screeching. “Lying is the worst thing you can do. How can I ever trust anything that comes out of her mouth now? Tell me that.” [image "image" file=Image00003.jpg] TWO DAYS LATER, WHEN the Avon lady rang the bell to deliver an order, Hilde suddenly “remembered” what happened to the ten dollars. It bought cologne for Bub in a bottle shaped like a roadster, and a cake of green eye shadow. Nobody stole anything. This should be good, I thought, and waited for the apology that was sure to come, for Hilde’s shamed face at the dinner table. But she wasn’t sorry, apparently, and Bub wasn’t sorry. They didn’t take anything back. The Cadet keys made their way back onto Teresa’s dresser, and she was wordlessly ungrounded.

• From The Argonauts (2015)

  One month our donor friend tells us that he has to go out of town for a college reunion. Not wanting to lose the month’s egg, we trudge back to the bank. We track the egg’s progress via ultrasound: it looks bulbous and beautiful and ready to burst out of its follicle in the late afternoon, but by the next morning there is no sign of it, not even a trace of fluid from its ruptured sac. I am beyond frustrated, beyond hope. But Harry—always the optimist!—insists it might not be too late. The nurse concurs. Knowing that I have a bad habit of deeming myself lost and getting off the freeway one exit before I would have found my way, I decide, once again, to join them. [Single or lesbian motherhood] can be seen as [one] of the most violent forms taken by the rejection of the symbolic … as well as one of the most fervent divinizations of maternal power—all of which cannot help but trouble an entire legal and moral order without, however, proposing an alternative to it. Given that one-third of American families are currently headed by single mothers (the census doesn’t even ask about two mothers or any other forms of kinship—if there is anyone in the house called mother and no father, then your household counts as single mother), you’d think the symbolic order would be showing a few more dents by now. But Kristeva is not alone in her hyperbole. For a more disorienting take on the topic, I recommend Jean Baudrillard’s “The Final Solution,” in which Baudrillard argues that assisted forms of reproduction (donor insemination, surrogacy, IVF, etc.), along with the use of contraception, herald the suicide of our species, insofar as they detach reproduction from sex, thus turning us from “mortal, sexed beings” into clone-like messengers of an impossible immortality. So-called artificial insemination, Baudrillard argues, is linked with “the abolition of everything within us that is human, all too human: our desires, our deficiencies, our neuroses, our dreams, our disabilities, our viruses, our lunacies, our unconscious and even our sexuality—all the features which make us specific living beings.”

• From Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop (2023)

  Neuroscientist Dr. Nan Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters, suggests we are up against unprecedented obstacles, the biggest one being “the pleasure crisis.” Citing skyrocketing rates of anhedonia, Wise posits that the ever-increasing external stimuli in our environments, and the “bombardment of easy-to-access, seemingly endless supply of quick-fix pleasures,” are not conducive to feeling more of anything, let alone satisfaction. In many ways, we’ve gone backward from the sexual revolution of the 1960s; rather, we’re still enduring the backlash to it, argues historian Dagmar Herzog in her ever-relevant 2008 book Sex in Crisis, which traces America’s sex anxiety to the legislative victories of conservative evangelicals. “Our national conversation about sex now suffers a tremendous impoverishment,” Herzog writes. “It is fairly easy to find information about how to have sex or techniques for how to improve sex. It is simple to find near-frenzied talk about adolescents’ exposure to sexual imagery on the internet or alarm over teens’ potentially risky behavior. It is far tougher to find frank and open dialogue about our hopes and fears for our children’s—and our own—sexual health and happiness. There is much titillating talk about sex in America, yet there is very little talk about sex that is morally engaged and affirmative.” (More than fifteen years later, Herzog’s analysis rings truer every day, with a dizzying uptick in legislative efforts to police adolescent sexuality and gender identity, particularly in schools.) Over a decade after her book, the lack of sex-positive, pleasure-minded public discourse on sexual wellness is fucking dark, to put it mildly. When it comes to sexual happiness, we’re still left to fill in the blanks, seeking out our own information from popular culture that so often leads us astray (for instance, presenting synchronized orgasm as the norm). Desperate for some evidence of progress while researching this book, I caught up with Maria Trumpler, a Yale professor of gender and sexuality studies who was my advisor when I was a horny, miserable undergraduate sex columnist. During the pandemic, Trumpler was stationed at her home in Vermont, where she makes cheese and teaches undergraduate courses remotely. One such course is “Food, Identity, and Desire,” which explores the intersections of appetites and identity. Trumpler’s students are what we would call “Gen Z”—people born in the late ’90s and early 2000s. It’s been over ten years since I was in college, routinely sleeping with a classmate I didn’t get along with and bingeing children’s cereal on nights I wasn’t drunk enough to text him. I asked Professor Trumpler if her students were still having horrible sex, even though we are ten years in the future, even though they are better connected and educated than I ever was, even though they know more about the politics of gender identity, sexuality, and consent.

• From Boys & Sex (2020)

  I would not assume, by the way, that guys know how widespread sexual misconduct, harassment, assault, and other violence against women is, at least not if adult consciousness is any measure. A nationally representative survey of 1,147 men aged eighteen to fifty-five conducted by Glamour and GQ in April 2018—a full six months after the Harvey Weinstein scandal broke—found that over half had either never heard of #MeToo or knew so little about it that they couldn’t explain what it was. When, during the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, I asked my interview subjects how many conversations they’d had with a parent about the sexual assault allegations by Christine Blasey Ford, the typical answer was “none.” Mothers and fathers should discuss the broad cultural impact of so-called toxic masculinity with children of all genders. The latest news stories (and there is always something) should be regular dinner table conversation, especially when they involve high school or college students. Resist reductive characterizations of “good guys” or “monsters”—those exist, but the true hard work is in the in-between. Humanize female victims: read your son the powerful impact statement by Chanel Miller, who was assaulted by Brock Turner, or the eloquent response in the Harvard Crimson by women who had been part of the men’s soccer team’s “scouting report.” Talk about the precise rates of sexual harassment young women face in school hallways or on the street. Help them understand how all those comments guys make, large and small (including the “hilarious” ones), combined with popular culture and other forces, inure them to the mistreatment of women. Have your sons (and daughters) listen to the apology Dan Harmon, creator of the TV shows Community and Rick and Morty, offered on his podcast to the colleague he sexually harassed for years (she called it “a master class in how to apologize”). The point is not to shame boys but to raise awareness of how gender dynamics—mediated by race, class, sexuality, and other characteristics—function, and how they could function much better. You Must, You Simply Must, Talk About Porn

• From The History of Christianity I: From the Disciples to the Dawn of the Reformation

  150 Lecture 21: Expansion beyond the Boundaries of Empire Expansion beyond the Boundaries of Empire Lecture 21 I n the last lecture, we saw that Ambrose, Jerome, and Augustine provided a transition from the classical to the medieval world in the West, and we will shortly follow that transition to Christendom. But in this lecture, we note the changing realities that Christianity needed to address because of its engagement with a variety of languages and cultures on the fringes of and beyond the imperial world. This is especially important because of the tendency by some to think of Christianity as a European religion or its appearance in other lands as the result of European imperialism. As we will see, the truth is far different. Christianity outside the Empire • One reason so little attention is paid to versions of early Christianity that emerged outside the empire is that the languages that tell their stories are known by relatively fewer professional scholars. Much of the substantial literature in these languages, especially in Syria and Egypt, remains untranslated and, therefore, unknown to generalists. • Another reason is that the literature and material culture within the empire are more abundant, accessible, and appealing. By comparison, the German tribes left little evidence of their rapid passage across Europe, and while the architectural remains in Ethiopia are of great interest, they are sparse in comparison to those of the empire. • Further, the forms of Christianity outside the empire quickly became “heretical” in one form or another and, thus, drifted away from “authorized” versions of the Christian story. It is an easily understandable temptation for the historian to tell the story of those who are our direct forebears. Expansion of Christianity in the East • The expansion of Christianity in the East began early, was inevitably caught up in the doctrinal disputes within the empire, and

• From The History of Christianity I: From the Disciples to the Dawn of the Reformation

  163 o The other side of the coin was that the emperor was the supreme benefactor of the church, enacting its decisions (when it agreed with him) and, as the Codex indicates, providing legal support for ecclesiastical policies. Mixed Results of Justinian’s Reign • As remarkable as the reign of Justinian was, the results of his efforts were mixed. • Certainly, his goal of restoration fell short: The expanded empire shrank back in size after brief success in the west. Further, the policies of Justinian set some bad precedents. o The system of taxation was efficient but also oppressive and, ultimately, not a real economic plan; as conquests failed and crops were poor, the resources of the empire were steadily drained over time. o The increased use of mercenaries in the imperial army made the empire reliant on others and was incredibly expensive, another drain on the imperial treasury. o Finally, the policy of pacifying enemies through tribute was shortsighted: It won temporary relief but could not be a permanent solution. • Even more devastating was the blow struck at the empire and Justinian himself by the “Plague of Justinian,” a health disaster that was unparalleled until the Black Death hit Europe in the 14 th century. The plague was probably carried by rats on grain boats from Egypt. Its height in Constantinople occurred in 541–543, when it killed, according to Procopius, as many as 5,000 people a day. • Despite these negatives, Justinian’s lengthy and brilliant reign established an empire of great stability and endurance, within which the Christian religion continued to play a critical role to the end. 164 Lecture 22: The Court of Justinian and Byzantine Christianity Diehl (Walford, trans.), Byzantium. Rosen, Justinian’ s Flea. 1. In light of Justinian’s rule, discuss the advantages and disadvantages to Christianity of having imperial protection and patronage. 2. Identify the ways that the Byzantine Empire continued the traditions of Rome and the ways in which it was something new. Suggested Reading Questions to Consider

• From White Trash: The 400-Year Untold History of Class in America (2016)

  us say, “backyard yeomanry.” To add to the Jeffersonian call for exurban procreative strength, the new suburbs acquired unsubtle nicknames like “Fertile Acres,” owing to the high birthrates in young families. Yet many critics saw uniform homes and neat lawns as hollow symbols—a far cry from genuine democratic virtues. 21 Instead of eliminating class distinctions, suburbs were turned into class- conscious fortresses. Zoning ordinances set lot sizes and restricted the construction of apartment buildings, emphasizing single-dwelling homes to keep out undesirable lower-class families. In Mahwah, New Jersey, for example, the local government attracted a Ford plant to the town, and then passed an ordinance that required one-acre lots containing homes in the $20,000 price range, ostensibly meaning that low-paid workers in the plant would have to live elsewhere. In New York’s Westchester County, the board of education agreed to build a deluxe school in a wealthy neighborhood, while doing nothing for schools in depressed-income areas where lower-class Italian and black families lived. In Los Angeles, suburbs were appraised by the Federal Housing Authority along class lines: high marks were given to places where gardening was a popular hobby, and low marks to places where poor whites raised food in their backyards. Elvis’s mother’s chicken coop would have been frowned upon. 22 In this and other ways, the federal government underwrote the growth of the new suburban frontier. Tax laws gave homeowners who took out mortgages an attractive deduction. Government made it profitable for banks to grant mortgages to upstanding veterans and to men with steady jobs. The Servicemen’s Readjustment Act of 1944, better known as the GI Bill, created the Veterans Administration, which oversaw the ex-soldiers’ mortgage program. Together, the FHA and the VA worked to provide generous terms: Uncle Sam insured as much as 90 percent of the typical veteran’s mortgage, thereby encouraging lenders to provide low interest rates and low monthly payments. Along these same lines, when potential buyers queued up for Levittown homes, the builder initially privileged veterans. With such perks, it became cheaper for “desirable” white men to buy a home than to rent an apartment. And rather than lift up everyone, the system tended to favor those who were already middle class, or those working-class families with steady incomes. 23 Suburban subdivisions encouraged buyers to live with their “own kind,” constantly sorting people by religion, ethnicity, race, and class. The esteemed architectural critic Lewis Mumford described Levittown as a “one-class community.” In 1959, the bestselling author and journalist Vance Packard

• From The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (2014)

  That’s because there’s a potential psychological hazard to masturbation. Sex, as you know, is about a whole lot more than just the physical aspect of orgasm. What’s so wonderful about sex is how it engages all of your five senses: sight, by how you see your partner; hearing, by the murmurs and whispers and pleasurable sighs you both are (or at least should) be making; taste, by the deliciousness of kissing each other’s body parts; smell, by all the evocative scents emanating from your bodies; and touch, by how you feel and explore and caress and hug. Each of these stimuli helps to make sex an incredibly pleasurable experience. What happens when people masturbate, however, is that they concentrate specifically on the orgasm part, not the rest of it. Sense of touch is obviously highly engaged, and personal noises and fantasies are running through the mind, but the masturbator is only enjoying these senses on his or her own. They’re unique to the masturbation experience and can’t be shared. Masturbation can only be a solitary pursuit. It’s fine on occasion but shouldn’t be a regular part of your sexual repertoire, especially if it begins to interfere with your sexual activities with your partner. In other words, chronic masturbation isn’t great if you or your partner is using it as your primary source of sexual pleasure. A chronic masturbator knows what gets things going quickly—like props or sex toys or certain locations—and can stimulate in exactly that way. Usually, this means a pretty zippy ride between initial thought and ejaculation. Great for him when he’s in the mood for a “wank,” as they say in Britain about quick climaxes. Not good for you when you’re in the mood for a lovely, long love-making session. Here’s the kicker: A penis that has grown accustomed to a particular kind of sensation leading to rapid ejaculation will not work the same way when it’s aroused differently. Orgasm is delayed or doesn’t happen at all, often leaving you both frustrated and sometimes even feeling like failures. Women may blame themselves, thinking perhaps they’re not desirable or skilled at lovemaking. Men may think there’s something wrong with their performance. The truth is, the more your partner relies on his solo skills, the more his couple skills skid to a halt. This happens to many more couples than you would think. Once you and your partner master the listening skills in Part II, I’ll show you how to get your partner to listen better, to make you feel more secure and to increase your desire—the LSD—so you’ll be better able to state your needs, and he will be better able to hear and act on them.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  According to the ideals of love and marriage to which most of us subscribe, deepening affection and closeness are supposed to coexist with a dependable, satisfying sex life. However, the difficulty millions of couples have in combining closeness with sexual enthusiasm is evident in the steady stream of books and articles about keeping the spark in marriage. Marital experts often insist that waning passion is the result of poor communication skills, a lack of intimacy and trust, or unresolved conflicts. While it’s true that any of these can lead to unsatisfying sex, it is most definitely not true that good relationships automatically lead to good sex. In fact, my observations match those of Dr. Tripp. It is often in the best relationships that passion becomes most elusive. I’m also convinced that couples who openly confront the difficulties of combining intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to thrive. It is crucial to acknowledge that closeness and sexual desire are not one and the same, but rather two separate, yet interacting experiences. Their rhythms vary tremendously according to how each relationship begins and unfolds. THE EVOLUTION OF SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPSAlthough many have attempted to codify the stages of committed love, the fact is that no two partnerships follow exactly the same course.2 Nor is it possible to predict with confidence which couplings will endure and which won’t. I’m sure you’ve known partners who appeared to detest each other yet stayed together anyway. Conversely, other couples who seem genuinely to care for each other surprise everyone when they separate. Love refuses to conform to rational notions about how it should begin, progress, flourish, or die. Nonetheless, the vast majority of couples I’ve worked with grapple with similar turning points in the development of their relationships, each with implications for the quality of their interaction—both in and out of bed. THREE PATHS TO COUPLEHOODThe emergence of a couple marks the birth of an entirely new entity. In the formation of we, both the self and the other are changed. Sometimes two people know from the first shared glances that their lives are destined to be intertwined. For others the sense of we-ness that eventually forms the nucleus of a lasting bond builds slowly with innumerable ups and downs. Not only do couples form at different speeds, they also adopt different interpersonal styles based on what draws them together: Passionate couples are swept up in the intensity created by the dance of opposites. Companionate couples are founded on mutual understanding, resonance, and comfort. Pragmatic couples are concerned with practicalities such as availability, money, prestige, or social acceptance. To some degree, each couple is a blend of styles, but always with a distinct emphasis.

• From Combating Cult Mind Control: The Guide to Protection, Rescue and Recovery from Destructive Cults (1988)

  Other people leave when they become victims of internal politics or personality conflicts. For example, many people get fed up and exit because they can’t relate to or readily follow their immediate superior. Long-term members often walk out when they feel that group policy is not being fairly and uniformly applied, or if there is a struggle for power. Over the years I have met a large number of people who have walked out of their group because they just couldn’t stand it anymore, yet they still believed in the leader. There are thousands of ex-Moonies who still believe that Moon is the Messiah, but just can’t tolerate the way the cult is run. In their minds they are waiting for the day that the group reforms its policies, so they can return. They do not understand that the group is structured and run the way it is because of Moon. The same pattern applies to ex-Scientologists who leave the group but who still think Ron Hubbard was a genius and that the “technology” works. These people call themselves “independents” or members of the “Free Zone.” If they still believe Hubbard was a great humanitarian and discovered how to be “free”, they are still suffering from undue influence. Over the decades, I’ve met thousands of people who were born into cults, but walked out. Even as children, some of them could never swallow the weird belief system, particularly if they went to public school and had positive relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, coaches, and other caring people. Kick Outs I’ve encountered hundreds of people who were “kicked out” of their mind control groups because they bucked authority and asked too many questions. Others were abused to such an extent that they were damaged and no longer productive for the cult. Still others developed serious physical or psychological problems that cost too much money to be treated. They became a liability to their group. People who have been kicked out are almost always in worse shape than people who walk out or have been counseled out. They feel rejected by the group and its members. In the case of religious cults, they also feel rejected by God Himself. Many of them devoted their lives to their cults, turning over their money and property. They were told that the group was now their family, and believed that it would take care of them for the rest of their lives. Then, years later, they were told that they were not living up to the group’s standards and would have to leave. These people, phobic toward the outside world, felt cast into utter darkness. For many kick outs, suicide seems a realistic alternative to their suffering.180 No one knows how many people have committed suicide because of mind control. I personally knew of a number of people who killed themselves because of their cult involvement. Research should be done, as this is a major public health issue.

• From Escape (2007)

  As my mother’s depression worsened, she spent more of the day in bed. She neglected the house until the day before my father came home and then went into a cleaning frenzy. My father wanted his house spotless. One night he came home and we were all in our pajamas, clean and ready for bed. The house was immaculate. But my father walked over to the refrigerator and ran his finger across the top. It was dusty. He lit into my mother and said she had to do a better job of cleaning. My mother began screaming at my father to go to hell. She’d accuse him of not caring how hard she worked to keep up his home and care for his children. If he didn’t like the way she cleaned, then maybe he should take over the job and raise his children by himself. Our home became a battleground, at least when our father came home. He and Mom would be going after each other within five or ten minutes after he walked through the door. The house was tense, the atmosphere ugly. But the spankings stopped when our father was home, which was a relief. For the most part, Mom avoided hitting us then, although she made it known that our behavior was expected to be perfect. But there were days when Mom was happy and didn’t want to die. She loved to play games with us when she was in a good mood. One of our favorites was the Three Little Pigs. Linda, Annette, and I were the pigs and Mom was the big bad wolf. We’d build our playhouses of sticks and mud and she’d come and blow them all down until we made the brick house, which was stronger than she was. We also spent happy hours listening to Mama read fairy tales. She rarely read us religious scripture and, to our delight, much preferred the fantasy world of fairy tales. Mother was devout, but she had a frisky side. One time when my father was away she and a friend went to town and came home with a Christmas tree. Imagine! This was completely forbidden in the FLDS. We decorated it with lights and homemade ornaments. I knew it was wrong to participate in such a worldly tradition, but I was having too much fun to care. Mother beamed. She loved our Christmas tree. We popped popcorn and made garlands for the tree. Before we went to bed that night we hung up our stockings and Mama told us there would be a prize in each of them the next morning. Nothing like this had happened in our lives before. The thought of presents made us wild with anticipation.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  RUDE AWAKENINGSOnce two individuals think of themselves as a couple, they begin to find out who, exactly, this fascinating other really is. In a state of high limerence we usually think we know a lot more about our partners than we actually do. Especially if a connection springs from pure passion, much of what we think we see may turn out to be a projection of our fantasy image onto the beloved. Yet passionate attractions are rarely all illusion. We also see in the beloved potentials yet to be realized. Love’s eyes look beyond everyday reality, which can be a blessing as well as a curse. Because the joy of new love brings out the best in both lovers, many of their early discoveries are happy confirmations of their original attractions. Eventually, though, there will be rude awakenings. Occasionally, distressing secrets come to light. More often there is a gradual realization that characteristics which originally appeared positive also have a negative aspect. For a time Ben loves Melody’s tendency to be absentminded because it reminds him that she is preoccupied with deep thoughts—a quality he admires. Whenever she forgets something, she apologizes with puppy-dog eyes that make Ben melt. A couple of years later when they own a house and Melody consistently misplaces important papers, his patience wears thin. Similarly, Larry is at first strongly attracted to Mark’s confident masculinity and independence, only later to realize that Mark is completely out of touch with his feelings and walks out of the room whenever Larry tries to discuss a problem. Rude awakenings, and the conflicts that inevitably follow, provide opportunities for the partners to deepen their attachment. Problems arise when lovers become locked in life-or-death power struggles. Partners who once perceived each other as perfect, precious gifts begin to demand changes. When appreciation is overshadowed by criticism and complaint, few people admit how perplexing and hurtful it is to receive disapproval from the very person who once made them feel miraculously whole and lovable. Many of the rudest awakenings aren’t as much about the other person as they are about yourself. The same love that makes you feel terrific also activates deep vulnerabilities and insecurities. The beloved turns out to posses an uncanny ability to push your buttons, to stir up difficult emotions from the past. You find yourself acting childish or parental even when you don’t want to. You begin to. notice an annoying sensitivity in your partner, who reacts way out of proportion to your words and actions. Good intentions seem to count for nothing. In the most severe cases partners become so highly reactive that almost any discussion leads to fights and misunderstandings. Both feel under siege, which in turn activates primitive defense mechanisms that make matters infinitely worse.

• From The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (2004)

  I am a cancer survivor and when I was going through treatment, even when I was having good days and was feeling sexual, my partner didn’t want to have sex with me. I guess it was difficult to separate the disease from the person, especially because I had lost all my hair, had a tube in my chest, and while going through radiation, had burns on my skin. The issue for me was that I felt worse—because I am a sexual person and I really wanted the feeling of being intimate and was being denied that, along with everything else the disease was denying me. What? No Sex?I tell her that I’m always willing and able, and she tells me she’s too tired and passes out and then we pretty much have to wait until we can have three hours of quality sex time. How far should you go to stay in a relationship? Well, what are your sexual standards for satisfaction in a relationship? How important is sex to you? Can you handle no sex for a month while one or both of you sorts out a personal issue? Is a month long enough for you to worry about your relationship? Or is a month over the course of many years no biggie? How about six months? Or a year? Is that where you draw the line? I feel that she controls our sex life because she has less desire than I do. i have a fairly high sex drive + went out with a girl who didnt, it didnt really work out, she felt that if i kissed her i always wanted it to lead to sex (not entirly true) + i was frustrated, we broke up although not entirely over that it probably helped the feeling of “this isnt working out” What if you want more sex than your partner? Must “no” trump “yes” if you are to be respectful of your partner’s limits? Not necessarily—if you are both motivated to explore what is possible between you. You can negotiate a time out—say, a month, or even three months, during a time of inner work, after which you will revisit the matter. Be intentional about this. Support your partner in facing difficulties like recovery from sexual trauma, depression, addiction—or hormonal changes. You can allow for the “inevitable changes/challenges that face partners” 9 and take care of your sexual relationship. Knowing your standards for sex in a relationship is not an excuse to abandon a partner with whom you have a shared commitment to a relationship. But don’t allow her “no sex” to preempt your sex life. Addressing this could be the most intimate and courageous conversation either of you has ever had.

• From The History of Christianity II: From the Reformation to the Modern Megachurch (2017)

  348 The History of Christianity II õ Some Koreans have celebrated the role of Christianity in nurturing democracy in South Korea. For example, South Korea’s first president, Syngman Rhee, was an elder in the Methodist Church. But the truth is more complicated. For most of the past 60 years, the South Korean government, with plenty of Christians in its ranks, has been authoritarian. Syngman Rhee himself was not shy about using strong-arm tactics to silence political dissent. õ Another example was President Park Chung Hee, a general who seized power in a military coup in 1961 and ruled until he was assassinated in 1979. He dissolved the National Assembly—South Korea’s legislature—and enacted martial law. He drew up a new constitution that gave him more or less complete control, and allowed him to steamroll over working people in order to “modernize” South Korea and raise economic output. õ Most Christian clergy just tried to keep their heads down and survive. Some openly endorsed Park’s policies. But eventually, some Protestant ministers became vocal defenders of democracy and civil rights. They organized and educated workers, ministered to political prisoners, brought relief to poor city neighborhoods, and monitored voting during Park’s very fraudulent elections. õ After several years of doing this work, in the late 1970s, Protestant activists developed a uniquely Korean version of the social gospel called minjung theology: a people’s theology focused on giving voice to the frustrations of common people and assuring them that Jesus is on their side. õ Minjung theology has been a powerful stream in Korean Christian culture. But the most famous Korean church is on the other end of the theological spectrum. That’s David Yonggi Cho’s Yoido Full Gospel

• From The History of Christianity II: From the Reformation to the Modern Megachurch (2017)

  354 The History of Christianity II õ When South Sudan became an independent country in 2011, it was no time at all before a political power struggle and tensions between different ethnic groups plunged this largely Christian country into civil war. Huntington’s thesis gives us no tools to understand a situation like this: the “bloody borders” that so often appear between Christians themselves. õ The point here is that we need to think of Christianity and Islam not as giant, monolithic, fixed, clashing civilizations, but as lived religions that play out in specific contexts. They mean something particular to each person who practices them. GLOBAL CAPITALISM õ A global economy arose after the end of European colonialism in the 1960s. Enormous multinational companies became more and more adept at extracting material and human resources and moving their factories where costs are lowest—and national governments grew less and less able to control their domestic economies. õ Globalization has brought tremendous benefits to some people, and overall it has raised the standard of living in many developing countries, like India and China. But the same forces have also brought great misery to millions of people who have lost jobs to overseas workers or watched their communities eroded by foreign companies and a consumer culture that seems to steamroll over traditional values. õ Many commentators have pointed out that radicalized Muslim communities see Western Christians as dangerous missionaries— not missionaries of the gospel, but missionaries of crass consumer capitalism. õ And the most ascendant form of Christianity in recent years has been the prosperity gospel: the health-and-wealth strain of the faith that says prayers and church donations can lead to earthly health and prosperity.

• From The History of Christianity II: From the Reformation to the Modern Megachurch (2017)

  355Lecture 36—The Challenge of 21 st-Century Christianity õ The most thorough historian of the prosperity gospel, Kate Bowler, has pointed out that the explosion of this tradition around the world coincides with an interesting shift in global economic theory. From the Great Depression through the 1960s, most Western countries adopted an approach to economics called Keynesianism, for the British economist John Maynard Keynes. õ Keynes’s basic idea was that if you want your economy to grow and standards of living to rise, then you need to increase demand: that is, you need to increase people’s ability to buy stuff. To do this, the government needs to spend money to create jobs that put cash in people’s pockets, and to look out for them when they fall on hard times by creating a generous social safety net, healthcare, pensions, and so on. õ Then, in the 1970s, it all came crashing down. For reasons that economists still argue about, national economies around the world started to slow down, and some people blamed the policies of the past 30 years. A new generation of libertarian economists said governments need to stop interfering, liberate the “free market” from regulation, and stop taxing rich people and corporations so much so that they will start investing more in the economy. õ Now consider the key message of the prosperity gospel: God blesses his faithful with material wealth. The prosperity gospel is the perfect religion for an age that sees the free market as infallible. õ Of course, the Prosperity Gospel is not the only game in town. If we scan the landscape of 21 st-century Christianity, tension exists between Social Gospelers and Christian champions of the free market. This tension will shape how Christians debate the best way to respond to the suffering they see on newscasts from faraway countries and in their own neighborhoods.

• From The History of Christianity II: From the Reformation to the Modern Megachurch (2017)

  90 The History of Christianity II Who was this elusive Patriarch of Constantinople, and who were the Christians he represented? The truth is that there was once a time when they shared one communion with the Christians of Europe, sent their bishops to the same councils, and looked upon Western believers as brothers and sisters in Christ. But by the 16 th century, a huge gulf divided Eastern and Western Christians. This lecture digs into that divide. ROOTS OF THE DIVIDE õ Eastern Orthodox Christianity (or simply Orthodox Christianity) is the form of Christian faith and worship that became dominant in the Byzantine Empire, the eastern successor to the ancient Roman Empire, headquartered at Constantinople (now the city of Istanbul, Turkey). õ For a long while, Christian leaders in the East and the West considered themselves part of the same universal church—until they didn’t. The reason for the split was an event scholars call the Great Schism. õ The schism was the result of both political and theological differences. The date that scholars typically use for the formal break that gives us the Eastern Orthodox and Roman Catholic Churches as separate communities is 1054, because that’s when the pope went so far as to formally excommunicate the Patriarch of Constantinople. But it didn’t just happen overnight. õ Three major quarrels began in the early centuries and sharpened with each passing generation. The first was the question of the supremacy of the pope, the bishop of Rome. As Western Europe collapsed into political anarchy in the early Middle Ages, the pope became more and more powerful, both in religious affairs and in geopolitics. Soon, Westerners believed he was truly the head of the Christian church. But to Easterners, the other bishops were important too. They thought of the bishop of Rome as first among equals, rather than the boss. 91Lecture 10—Eastern Orthodoxy: From Byzantium to Russia õ The second major problem that contributed to the Great Schism was the language gap. The main language that Western theologians and clerics used to worship, read scripture, and talk church business was Latin. In the East, they wrote, read, and spoke Greek. 92 The History of Christianity II õ The third reason for the schism was debate over theology and worship— that is, what you need to believe and do to call yourself Christian. Easterners and Westerners argued about the proper way to describe humanity’s relationship with God. There were also more concrete issues, such as whether Christians should use leavened or unleavened bread during the Eucharist and whether priests had to be celibate. (Orthodox churches permit priests to marry.) õ During the Crusades, armies of Catholic Christians came storming east with the goal of retaking the Holy Land from the Muslims, and along the way they destroyed Orthodox Churches and killed many Eastern Christians. In 1204, Crusaders even sacked the city of Constantinople, booted out the emperor, and imposed Western rule for about 50 years.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Almost any rude awakening can undermine a couple’s sex life, particularly when conflicts and resentments accumulate and fester. Of course, some of the rudest awakenings involve sex directly. Almost every couple encounters differences in desired activities, frequency, or timing. Although there may have been subtle hints from the beginning, even serious incompatibilities can be easily concealed by the intensity of new love, especially in relationships founded on fiery passion. Lovers on a romantic high have an uncanny ability to satisfy each other even when they later turn out to be seriously mismatched. As time passes and passions cool, disparities that once seemed inconsequential loom large. TWO FACES OF COMMITMENTAt some point most couples openly announce or quietly assume that they’ve become committed. Couples are usually not in as much agreement about the details of their commitment as they assume, but common expectations include spending regular time together, honoring plans and promises, being available during times of need or trouble, and maintaining sexual exclusivity. Commitments provide security and thus can facilitate sexual pleasure by calming fears of abandonment and rejection. But for those who enjoy the hunt, the thrill of the new, or the focused concentration of courting and being courted, security can quickly become antierotic. Some may associate commitment with being trapped. Rather than craving to be with the beloved, they start to dream of escape. Commitments inevitably involve obligations, but when commitment and obligation become indistinguishable, the stage is set for serious sexual trouble. Compelling erotic desires are always “want to’s,” whereas obligations are “have to’s.” When freely made, commitments are powerful statements about wanting to sustain a connection and are therefore fully compatible with desire. By contrast, obligations rarely call forth anything more than a grudging willingness to meet them. Partners who perceive their commitment primarily as a set of obligations are heading down a slippery slope that ultimately leads to the dampening of desire. SETTLING INCouples who weather their rude awakenings and voluntarily renew their commitments despite differences and disagreements typically enter a period of relative calm. They disengage from pointless power struggles as each increasingly takes responsibility for his or her own irrational reactions. Gradually, they learn to see conflicts as opportunities for self-discovery and creative problem-solving. As they move from conflict to cooperation they redirect some of their energies into projects such as career development, home acquisition and nesting, or conceiving and raising children. During this period many couples also solidify a network of mutual friends and establish rituals such as annual events, vacations, and celebrations. For most couples the early years of settling in are among the most satisfying.

• From Boys & Sex (2020)

  Without another word, his father plopped onto the couch and turned on an episode of Bob’s Burgers. When it was over, he went upstairs to bed. End of discussion. “I feel he sort of failed me,” Mason said. “I kind of wish . . . Even after I fired back at him, there was still an opportunity for him to have that conversation with me. Maybe if he had said, ‘This will skew the way you view women. It’s not real. And it’s not going to help you get a girl; it’s only going to keep you from interacting with girls in a healthy manner,’ that might have made a difference for me. But my parents were too fearful to actually deal with any of it.” By his sophomore year of high school, Mason was spending about an hour a day immersed in porn. He watched in his bedroom. He watched in the den. He watched in the bathroom stalls at school. He watched at parties. It was, he said, as integral to his life as brushing his teeth, eating, drinking, sleeping. “You can spend so much time in this porn fantasy world that you don’t even look up and live your real life,” he said. Once, he popped in his earbuds and scrolled through his downloads in the back of the family car after a dentist appointment (no drilling jokes, please), as his brother and mom chatted in the front seat. “That’s how normalized it became,” he said. “If it was going to be thirty minutes in the car, I might as well watch porn.” Although at this point Mason had never kissed a girl or even held hands, he said that he half expected that at any moment a “hot woman” would appear out of nowhere and demand to have sex with him. “That was my whole perception of how it was supposed to go,” he said. “In porn, women are portrayed as these sexually driven animals. It’s all they want; it’s all they care about. It warped my perception for so long.” He didn’t realize how much, though, until, at age sixteen, while surfing a Russian social network that allowed him to circumvent his parents’ safety filters, he watched a video of a woman defecating into a hotdog bun. She poured condiments on the result and handed it to a second woman, who ate it. I asked Mason if he found that arousing. “It was, kind of,” he admitted. “Outside of that specific context, I would find this obviously disgusting act to be repulsive. I do find it repulsive. But it was being portrayed as extremely sexual. That’s what porn does. Just media in general. Sexualizes anything. Sexualizes people eating poop. And it boggles my mind how easy it was to be drawn in by it all.”

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Eventually, however, as the frequency and intensity of sex begin to taper off, signs of sexual cooling become impossible to ignore. In most cases this happens gradually over a period of years. However, if one partner, most likely a man, has trouble feeling love and lust toward the same person, his desire may plummet very quickly after the intensity of early limerence calms. For these men—and some women too—genuine closeness is a complete turn-off. But even among couples who are capable of enjoying the interplay of love and lust, two opposite forces contribute to a progressive reduction in sexual enthusiasm: (1) boredom and emotional disengagement, and (2) increasing closeness, familiarity, and comfort. Most couples develop sexual routines. For some these routines are acceptable—even comforting—especially if they are punctuated with occasional surprises. Others are so bored by routine that they find it increasingly difficult to generate sufficient sexual energy to become highly aroused or have orgasms. Without noticing, many also drift apart emotionally. Not only do they spend less time together, they talk about practical matters—such as what to do about the kids, problems with the house, or finances—with fewer of the heart-to-heart discussions that once brought them closer. As they settle in, other couples become increasingly intertwined. Some grow so close and comfortable that they act more like siblings than lovers; sex might even feel a bit incestuous. Also, the same intimacy that makes for a wonderful connection can obliterate the last vestiges of desire-enhancing obstacles. They become so close that the chemistry between them is neutralized. Cooled passions, whether a result of emotional disengagement and boredom, or closeness and comfort, sooner or later become a challenge for almost every couple. If their original bond was based on passion alone, they may miss the intensity so terribly that they terminate the relationship. Obviously, passionate couples are more likely to survive sexual cooling if more than sex holds them together. Companionate couples are typically among the first to feel the loss of genital arousal, partly because they felt it least to begin with and partly because they establish comfort so quickly. It is difficult to predict how these couples will respond. Some who never shared high erotic intensity, and continue to enjoy the simple pleasures of sensuality and affection, aren’t particularly troubled. Others face a serious crisis, especially if one or both develops a sexual dysfunction or loses interest in sex altogether. Although hardly anyone welcomes it, many couples respond to sexual cooling with humor and grace. In my experience, these are the ones who recognize the reduction of erotic zest as a natural occurrence that calls for creative adaptations and adjustments. The secrets of their success will be our focus in the next section.