Desire

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

Page 234 of 344 · 20 per page

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  Even as I come across pages of Knotted and hand them to Isaac, it is the nameless book that catches my attention. Each page has a line that pulls at my eyes. I read them, re-read them. No one I know writes this way, yet it is so familiar. I feel a lust for this author’s words. A jealousy at being able to string such rich sentences together. The first line keeps coming back to me with each subsequent line I read. The punishment for her peace was upon him, and he gave her rest. I don’t notice when Isaac disappears from the room to make us food. I smell it when he comes back and hands me a bowl of soup. I set it aside, intent on finishing my work, but he picks it up and places it back in my hands. “Eat it,” he instructs me. I don’t realize how hungry I am until I reluctantly place the spoon in my mouth, sucking the salty brown broth. I set the spoon aside and drink from the bowl, my eyes still scanning the piles set neatly around me. My leg is aching, as is my back, but I don’t want to stop. If I ask Isaac to help me move he will guess at my discomfort and force me to rest. I rub the small of my back when he’s not looking, and press on. “I know what you’re doing,” he says, as he leans over his pile of pages. I look up in surprise. “What?” “When you think I’m not looking, I am.” I flush, and my hand automatically reaches for my aching muscles. I pull back at the last minute and curl my hand into a fist instead. Isaac snickers and shakes his head, turning back to his work. I’m glad he doesn’t press the issue. I pick up another page. It’s my own. The story I wrote for Nick. Instead of putting it on its pile, I read it. True and trite. It was my call to him. The first line of the book went like this: Every time you want to remember what love feels like, you look for me. That line grabbed every woman who had ever offered their throbbing little heart to a man. Because we all have someone who reminds us of what love stings like. That unreliquished love that slips between our fingers like sand. The second line of the book confused them a little. It’s why their eyes kept following my trail of words. I was dropping breadcrumbs for the disaster that was to come. Stay the fuck away from me.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  *Lead-in (Morin):* Jana’s curiosity about which encounters to list reveals a thread she hadn’t seen—being pursued. **Voice — Jana:** I had trouble picking just two exciting encounters so I made a list of them all. It dawned on me that in virtually every case I’m being aggressively pursued by a handsome and determined man. My role is to act rather coy and passive, as if I want them to prove their interest in me through sheer persistence. I had never seen this so clearly before because I’m usually obsessed with how handsome the man is or how big or strong. I’ve never stopped to question what I’m feeling. But once I saw my taste for being pursued I couldn’t stop thinking about it and even brought the subject up with my therapist. I remember the desire to be pursued in sexual fantasies as far back as age eight or nine, maybe before. I use feminine poses to attract a rich and famous man. But because I’m so shy and reserved he’s “forced” to seduce me. Once I surrender he whisks me away on his yacht or horse and I feel chosen and very special. In all my fantasies today, and my best encounters too, I feel exactly the same way. The imperative of feeling desirable stands out for me because in reality I’ve never seen myself as attractive. On the contrary, I’ve always wished I were as pretty and sophisticated as my older sister. She got all the attention from guys, teachers—everyone. I was an awkward “tomboy” and I believed my parents liked her better. I remember crying myself to sleep over my fate. Now I know intellectually that I’m not ugly, but I still think of myself that way. I’m always trying to fix this by getting men to want me. If I surrender too quickly it’s not nearly so exciting as when I get the full seduction treatment. It makes me feel feminine and beguiling to be chased. I imagine they can’t resist me. Now that I live with a wonderful man I’m still always waiting for him to initiate sex (which he complains about a lot). It’s hard to admit, but when he comes on to me forcefully it’s almost like getting even with my sister who I both loved and hated for being so damned perfect. When it all works—which it always does in fantasy and occasionally in reality—I’m getting the attention I’ve craved all my life.

• From Mud Vein (2014)

  My vicious PLN army/gang, I love you! Sundae Coletti, Jennifer Stiltner, Robin Stranahan, Dyann Tufts, Robin Segnitz, Amy Holloway, Krystle Zion, Sandra Cortez, Nelly Martinez de Iraheta, Monica Martinez, Sarah Kaiser, Chelsea Peden McCrory, Dawnita Kiefer, Miranda Howard, Courtney Mazal, Yoss, Kristin McNally, Tre Hathaway, Shelly Ford, Maribel Zamora, Maria Milano, Fizza Hussain, Brooke Higgins, Paula Roper, Joanna Hoffman Dursi, Marivett Villafane, Amy Miller Sayler, and my favorite Kristy Garner. I wish I could list you all. Since publishing my first book, I have met so many people who made me view the world differently. There is none more rare and precious than Colleen Hoover. She is a light shining in darkness. Thank you for loving Mud Vein, and for recognizing our red thread. You have no heart, and you have the biggest heart. And finally, to the God who says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I live for you, mud vein and all. [image file=image0_1.jpg] I packed, drove, and showered quickly so I could make the morning meeting on time. I wondered if April would be there now that she seemed close to being brought on as a full-time teacher. Hopefully she would be. I’d have to decide whether to sit next to her and breathe in her intoxicating floral scent or if I wanted to sit on the opposite side of the room so I could simply look. Or stare. Let’s face it—I would probably stare. The room was half-full when I arrived with five minutes to spare. A few of the teachers looked up when I came in. Their faces registered surprise, clearly not expecting to see me back so soon. I got a few nods in my direction, but no one spoke. Teachers aren’t usually morning people unless they’ve had their cup or two or six of coffee. Their silence made it evident that the liquid brown drug was not yet coursing through their bodies. Or that seeing me was a little awkward, considering the state I was in when they last saw me. I tugged on the collar of my shirt and ducked my head. April was seated on the second row and seemed to be lost in a pile of paper on her lap. She was wearing a long-sleeve white button-up shirt, with the sleeves folded halfway up her forearm. Her skirt was black, and her hair was back in a ponytail. Her outfit brought to mind just about every teacher fantasy I had ever allowed myself to indulge in while growing up. Because her hair was pulled back, the pearly white skin of her neck was exposed. God, I was starting to have serious vampire thoughts. I will kiss that neck, I told myself. More than once. I will.

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  Certain of the things Baudelaire says make it sound familia r enough. Behind the fallen natural world stands a spiritual world, an d art can bring this to epiphany. Nature is ugly, but the imagination of th e artist allows him "de saisir les parcelles du beau egarees sur la terre, de suivre le beau a l a piste partout ou ii a p u glisser a travers les trivialites de la nature dechue" ("t o seize upon the bits of beauty sca tt ered about the earth, to follow beauty's trail wherever it has managed to slip in admist the trivialities of fallen nature"). 47 Baudelaire often refers to this spiritual world whose fragments the artist thus g athe rs in the traditional terms of Renaissance n eo -Platonism, in terms o f 'correspondences', as though things had a spiritual significance which linked them in chains of equivalence: La Nature est un temple ou de vivan t s piliers Laissent parfois sortir de confuses paroles; L'homme y passe a travers des for-ets de sy m boles Qui l'observent avec des regards familiers. Nature is a temple whose living colonnades Breathe fort h a mystic s p eech in fitfu l sighs; Man wanders among symbo ls in those glades Where all things w a tch him with familiar eyes. 4 8 Visions of the Post-Romantic Age · 437 Bu t other things that Baudelaire says, and much of his poetry, don't fit very well with this picture of the poet g athering shards and hints of s upernatural beauty. There are q uite o ther k ind s of epiphany , in which we are thrown he a dlong into evil and ugliness and decay. In part this reflects Baudelaire's ambivalent stance towards the Manic h aean universe he sees: Sat anism, to plu n ge into evil to the point of intoxication, of releasing a "f risson galvanique", seems as valid a response a s askesis-perhaps even an alternative route to the same goal. What must be avoided at all cost s is banality and the dead, inert time of ordinary ugliness . II faut toujours etre ivre. Tout est l a: c'est l'unique question. Pour ne pas sentir ('horrible fardeau du Temps qui brise vos epaules et vous penche vers la ter re , ii faut vous enivrer sans tre v e. Mais de quoi? De vin, de p oesie ou de venu, a votre guise. Mais enivrez-vous. One should alway be drunk. Thaf s the great thing; the only question. Not to f eel the horrible burden of Time weighing o n your shoulders and bowing you to the eanh, you should be drunk without respite. Drunk with w hat? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  *Lead-in (Morin):* A deep reluctance joins longing—Joyce hadn’t seen her husband in months. **Voice — Joyce:** He called me at work to say he needed to see me. I was hesitant because in the past these encounters have led to either fights or outrageous sex. At the time I didn’t want either from him. Yet he was very persuasive so I agreed to meet him in spite of my better judgment. From the moment I saw him, it was like the beginning of our relationship all over again. Sexual sparks were flying everywhere. He knew the right places to touch me and the perfect words to say. And he used all his tricks until I was like jelly. Incredible! *Wind-down (Morin):* Joyce’s explosive encounter ends with ambivalence consumed—in one burst, desire wins.

• From The Great Transformation (2006)

  In the course of a systematic analysis of the sacrificial rituals, they discovered the inner self. We know little about these ritualists as individuals. We do not know their names, and they left no personal record of their journey toward this new vision. We know only that they belonged to the Brahmin priestly class, which had risen to new prominence during the late Vedic period. 58 Their work was preserved in the Brahmanas, technical ritual texts compiled between the ninth and seventh centuries. What does emerge from these somewhat dry treatises is that the reformers were motivated by the desire to eliminate violence from the sacrificial rites. Aryan life was becoming more settled. The economy was beginning to depend more upon agricultural produce than raiding, and even though we have no documentary evidence, it seems that there was a growing consensus that the destructive cycle of raid and counterraid had to stop. The traditional rites not only legitimized this pattern but gave it sacred significance. The rituals themselves often degenerated into real fighting, and one aggressive sacrifice led inexorably to another. 59 The priestly experts decided to make a systematic appraisal of the sacrificial liturgy, taking out any practice that was likely to lead to violence. Not only were they able to persuade the kshatriya warriors to accept these expurgated rites, but their reform led to a spiritual awakening. 60 At first sight, it seems that no texts could be further removed from the spirit of the Axial Age than the Brahmanas, which seem obsessed with liturgical minutiae. How could these stultifying discussions of the type of ladle that should be used for a particular oblation or how many steps a priest should take when he carried the firepot to the altar have inspired a religious revolution? Yet the Brahmanas were making a courageous attempt to find a new source of meaning and value in a changing world. 61 The ritualists wanted a liturgy that would not inflict harm or injury on any of its participants. The climax of the old sacrifices had been the dramatic decapitation of the animal victim, which reenacted Indra’s slaying of Vritra. But Indra was no longer the towering figure that he had been when the Aryans first arrived in India. His importance had been steadily declining. Now, in the reformed ritual, the victim was suffocated as painlessly as possible in a shed outside the sacrificial arena. “You do not die, nor do you come to harm,” the ritualists assured the beast; “to the gods you go, along good paths.”

• From Sources of the Self: The Making of the Modern Identity (1989)

  But the rebellion is fired by the sense that what is at stake is a fulfilment that nature has made centrally significant. 1 3 When S t .-Preux, tutor of Julie in Rousseau's Nouvelle Heloi'se, has won the heart of his ward, he finds their union opposed by the implacable opposit ion of her father. He is moved to an impassioned declaration of the rights of love. Quel que soit l'empire dont vous abusez, mes droits sont plus sacres que les votres; la chaine qui nous lie est la borne du pouvoir patemel, meme devant les tribunaux humains; et quand voux osez reclamer la nature, c'est vous seul qui bravez ses lois. How despotic soever may be the empire you assume my rights are infinitely more sacred. The chain by which we are united marks the extent of paternal dominion, even in the estimation of human law, and whilst y ou appeal to the law of nature, you yourself are trampling upon i ts institutions. 1 4 This whole development leads to a p rogressive withdrawal of the fam ily fro m the control of the wider society . People today ar e always appalled to lea rn, for instance, how much the pre-eighteenth-century village pres umed to control of its me m bers' lives, even what we w ould consider toda y th ei r i ntimate family affairs. Take, for instance, the "charivari" that he npeck e d h usbands had to undergo, not to speak of fornica t ors. Charivaris we re n ois y manifestations of public collective ridicule. In France, for instance, a husband who had beaten his wife, or w ho did women's work, or who was cuckolded , could be th e targ et of one of these. Presumabl y this was because he was The Culture of Modernity · 291 a l lo wing an inve rsion of the proper, patriarchal order. This couldn't be seen ju s t as a matter between himself and his wife; it was e v ery body's business, b e c a us e the order was a shared one within which all individuals lived. With the breakdown of this idea of a larger order and the assertion of in d i vid ual independence, the new value of the intimate personal relation ga i n s ground. People demand and win privacy fo r the family. The new need for p rivacy is reflected in the very organization of domestic space.

• From The Great Transformation (2006)

  82 He illustrated his theory by summoning a slave boy to his side and helping him to find the solution to a difficult geometrical problem, claiming that he had simply reminded the child of something that he had known in a previous existence but had forgotten. 83 Plato shared the conviction of many Axial philosophers that there was a dimension of reality that transcended our normal experience but that was accessible to us and natural to our humanity. Yet where others believed that this insight could not be achieved by ratiocination, Plato believed that it could. But his insistence that knowledge was essentially recollection shows that this rigorous dialectic was not coldly analytic but intuitive; the recovery of this innate knowledge seemed to take the mind itself by surprise. It is true that in some of the dialogues Plato simply made use of the forms to investigate a concept or get to the root of a problem. 84 But it is also true that Plato’s rational quest was passionate and romantic. In ancient Greece, reason was not “cold” but “hot,” a spiritual quest for meaning and value. 85 It helped the psyche to identify its goals and harness its desires in order to attain them. Hitherto, as far as we can tell from the fragmentary texts that have survived, Greek philosophers had often confined themselves to a notional, cerebral interpretation of experience. In the Academy, Greek education became more spiritual. Frequently Plato used the imagery and vocabulary of the Eleusinian and Dionysian mysteries to describe the process of illumination and recollection. Instead of achieving insight through rituals and dramatic representations, however, his disciples reached their vision of the forms through the exercise of a dialectic that was so rigorous and exacting that it seems to have pushed them into an alternative state of consciousness. The process was described as a mystical ascent to a higher state of being, an initiation that was not wholly unlike that experienced by the mystai at Eleusis, which had introduced the aspirant to a blessed state. In the Symposium, Plato made Socrates describe the quest as a love affair that grasped the seeker’s entire being, until he achieved an ekstasis that took him beyond normal perception. Socrates explained that he had received this information from a priestess called Diotima, who showed her mystai how their love of a beautiful body could be purified and transformed into an ecstatic contemplation ( theoria ) of ideal beauty. At first the philosophical initiate was simply enraptured by the physical perfection of his beloved; then he began to see that this person was just one manifestation of a beauty that existed in other beings too.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  *Lead-in (Morin):* Zack’s story touches longing, power, and “naughtiness” (risky place)—Morin uses him to illustrate multiple cornerstones. **Voice — Zack:** There was this girl that I wanted for a year and had often used her as a model during masturbation sessions. When we finally had sex for the first time it was great. I enjoyed being the aggressor, since I had always been the passive one in my previous sexual relationships. I enjoyed having her submit to me and let me do as I pleased. What really turned me on was seeing her naked and hearing her breathe deeply. We were also in a place that was risky to be fooling around in. I had just about come by the time I had her clothes off. It was extremely arousing when she started touching me. I had always imagined what it would be like and it turned out to be even better.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  Tom’s encounter also has an element of age inappropriateness. When he was twenty-six he was hired to lead a tour of high school seniors. The rigorous training was full of warnings never to become involved with the students and that doing so would be grounds for immediate dismissal. The limits were quite appropriately strict, but they also helped eroticize the atmosphere: Many of the students were away from home for the first time, eager to push their freedom to the limit. While other leaders tried to clip the wings of their kids, myself and two other leaders adopted a more liberal philosophy. We gave them condoms and asked only that they use them if they chose to have sex. One student, Beth, had just graduated from high school, was an aspiring marine biologist, and really sweet. She frequently sought me out to talk into the wee hours of the morning. She developed a strong crush on me but I was reluctant to let things develop because I didn’t want to take advantage of my position. As the summer progressed I became convinced that her feelings toward me went beyond a crush—as did mine. We spoke about this and we agreed we would have to wait until we got home. Each passing day became an exercise in excitement and frustration. Each touch, each comment was laden with sexual overtones. After almost five weeks of this foreplay, my fellow group leaders, four of whom were having torrid affairs with each other, invited me for a midnight skinny-dip in the sea. They encouraged me to invite Beth. Perhaps it was the moon shining on Beth, the soothing waves, or just the tremendous sexual tension built up for so many weeks, but we kissed and couldn’t stop. She climbed on top of me and allowed me to enter her. It was so warm and felt so right. We were afraid of being spotted by the other leaders so we remained quiet. She climaxed twice and I once. I will never forget this experience. With the exception of one other “slip,” we waited until we returned to the States before having sex again. We spent the transatlantic flight explaining, in minute detail, what we planned to do to each other when we got home. These lurid descriptions were sufficient to bring her to climax twice without any touching at all.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  AMBIVALENT ATTRACTIONSStrong attractions, whether lusty or limerent, are usually single-mindedly definite. The fact that our attractions can be so compelling, yet not controlled by logic, means that, sooner or later, most of us will come across a person who magnetically draws us while simultaneously repells us in some way. As strange as it may seem, an ambivalent attraction can, all by itself, make the object more exciting. Those who are sexually attracted to men seem to be particularly inclined to find themselves simultaneously drawn and repelled. Among The Group, mixed feelings toward partners are mentioned much more frequently by the three subgroups drawn to men: bisexual women (25 percent), gay men (18 percent), and straight women (15 percent). Like Laura, a successful stockbroker, they usually mention traditionally masculine qualities that are both arousing and distasteful: There was a big, muscular hunk in my office who was always putting the make on me. His attitudes about almost everything disgusted me, even the way he propositioned me was so tasteless I had to refuse. But just thinking about him made my blood boil. Once after an office party, I let him drive me home. We made out in the car. Unfortunately, he was a terrific kisser. I invited him in. Rarely have I felt so excited. In bed he was aggressive, yet totally aware of what I wanted. His body was even better naked. I’ve been refusing him ever since. He’s still a pig at the office but I’ll always enjoy that memory. Why would anyone be moved by such profound, erotic stirrings toward someone so distasteful? Laura is quite articulate about her dilemma: I can’t tell you how much I resent that masculine superiority shit. I guess he gets to me because he’s the exact opposite of the way I think people should be. It pisses me off to think that this tension could excite me so (I would never admit it to anyone). The truth is, I’m incapable of feeling indifferent toward him and the bastard knows it, too. Ambivalent attractions refuse to be limited by logic or politics, a fact that Laura reluctantly acknowledges because she’s too smart not to. She realizes that the contrasts between her and “the hunk,” intensified by her negative emotions toward him—not to mention his terrific body—all combine to produce an unavoidable attraction. As is so often the case, the more she tries to resist it, the stronger it becomes. OVERCOMING AMBIVALENCE THROUGH FANTASYEven though her wayward attraction bothered her, at least Laura enjoyed her encounter. For many others, ambivalent turn-ons are as distressingly negative as they are compelling. In such instances, the erotic mind displays an uncanny ability to convert negative real-life experiences into exciting fantasies. Notice how George, a gay man approaching forty, transforms a traumatic encounter into something positive:

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  The older writings on instinct are ineffectual wastes of words, because their authors never came down to this definite and simple point of view, but smothered everything in vague wonder at the clairvoyant and prophetic power of the animals—so superior to anything in man—and at the beneficence of God in endowing them with such a gift. But God's beneficence endows them, first of all, with a nervous system; and, turning our attention to this, makes instinct immediately appear neither more nor less wonderful than all the other facts of life. Every instinct is an impulse. Whether we shall call such impulses as blushing, sneezing, coughing, smiling, or dodging, or keeping time to music, instincts or not, is a mere matter of terminology. The process is the same through-out. In his delightfully fresh and interesting work, Der Thierische Wille, Herr G. H. Schneider subdivides impulses (Triebe) into sensation-impulses, perception-impulses, and idea-impulses. To crouch from cold is a sensation- impulse; to turn and follow, if we see people running one way, is a perception-impulse; to cast about for cover, if it begins to blow and rain, is an imagination-impulse. A single complex instinctive action may involve successively the awakening of impulses of all three classes. Thus a hungry lion starts to seek prey by the awakening in him of imagination coupled with desire; he begins to stalk it when, on eye, ear, or nostril, he gets an impression of its presence at a certain distance; he springs upon it, either when the booty takes alarm and sees, or when the distance is sufficiently reduced; he proceeds to tear and devour it the moment he gets a sensation of its contact with his claws and fangs. Seeking, stalking, springing, and devouring are just so many different kinds of muscular contraction, and neither kind is called forth by the stimulus appropriate to the other. Schneider says of the hamster, which stores corn in its hole: "If we analyze the propensity of storing, we find that it consists of three impulses: First, an impulse to pick up the nutritious object, due to perception; second, an impulse to carry it off into the dwelling-place due to the idea of this latter; and third, an impulse to lay it down there , due to the sight of the place. It lies in the nature of the hamster that it should never see a full ear of corn without feeling a desire to strip it; it lieu in its nature to feel, as soon as its cheek-pouches are filled, an irresistible desire to hurry to its home; and finally, it lies in its nature that the sight of the storehouse should awaken the impulse to empty the cheeks" (p. 208). In certain animals of a low order the feeling of having executed one impulsive step is such an indispensable part of the stimulus of the next one, that the animal cannot make any variation in the order of its performance.

• From The Principles of Psychology (Volume 1 of 2) (1890)

  The chief interest of the objects, in the collector's eyes, is that they are a collection, and that they are his. Rivalry, to be sure, inflames this, as it does every other passion, yet the objects of a collector's mania need not be necessarily such as are generally in demand. Boys will collect anything that they see another boy collect, from pieces of chalk and peach-pits up to books and photographs. Out of a hundred students whom I questioned, only four or five had never collected anything. [399] The associationist psychology denies that there is any blind primitive instinct to appropriate, and would explain all acquisitiveness, in the first instance, as a desire to secure the pleasures' which the objects possessed may yield; and, secondly, as the association of the idea of pleasantness with the holding of the thing, even though the pleasure originally got by it was only gained through its expense or destruction. Thus the miser is shown to us as one who has transferred to the gold by which he may buy the goods of this life all the emotions which the goods themselves would yield; and who thereafter loves the gold for its own sake, preferring the means of pleasure to the pleasure itself. There can be little doubt that much of this analysis a broader view of the facts would have dispelled. 'The miser' is an abstraction. There are all kinds of misers. The common sort, the excessively niggardly man, simply exhibits the psychological law that the potential has often a far greater influence over our mind than the actual. A man will not marry now, because to do so puts an end to his indefinite potentialities of choice of a partner. He prefers the latter. He will not use open fires or wear his good clothes, because the day may come when he will have to use the furnace or dress in a worn-out coat, 'and then where will he be? For him, better the actual evil than the fear of it; and so it is with the common lot of misers. Better to live poor now, with the power of living rich, than to live rich at the risk of losing the power. These men value their gold, not for its own sake, but for its powers. Demonetize it, and see how quickly they will get rid of it! The associationist theory is, as regards them, entirely at fault: they care nothing for the gold in se. With other misers there combines itself with this preference of the power over the act the far more instinctive element of the simple collecting propensity. Every one collects money, and when a man of petty ways is smitten with the collecting mania for this object he necessarily becomes a miser. Here again the associationist psychology is wholly at fault.

• From The Pisces (2018)

  I had already planned this visit, fully, in my head. I wanted to have sex with him on a bed. I didn’t even care if he slept over or not. I just wanted a place to be with him where we could relax that wasn’t freezing and where we weren’t looking around for people to catch us. The way I felt when we kissed or when he went down on me—I wanted to create that feeling and live in that for as long as I could. I wanted to build a tent of it in the warmth of my sister’s house: a container where I could bottle the feeling, like a little ship, and hold the glow. Here was a bit of magic that could happen in my life. After all the nothingness, maybe this fantasy was worth living for. I suppose that whenever you’re addicted to something, this is what they mean when they say you forget about the consequences and don’t care about the other side. All I cared about was my plan. 33.Theo was waiting by the rocks, hanging on to the side of them. I ran across the beach and climbed up, feeling like Catherine running to Heathcliff across the moors, in my long skirt. I imagined that I looked like a child. I knew that I wasn’t, but I felt time to be slowing as I ran—or at least, I wasn’t getting any older anymore. I was alive and that was it. “Hi,” I said, and crouched down to kiss him. “I’m coming up,” he said, and twisted himself up onto the rock. For a second I was shocked to see his black tail, the sash still around his pelvis. He kissed me hard and laid me down onto the rock. Then he pulled himself on top of me and I could feel his cock, my skirt and his sash between us. It was all so natural. My legs spread and his pelvis and tail were between them, just where his legs would be if he were a regular man. As we kissed I imagined eating his tail with garlic butter. I wanted to suck his cock and also to see it. I rolled us over and sat up on top of him, kissing my way down his torso, my skirt fanned out around both of us, covered in ocean water and seaweed and black slime from his tail. I felt like an octopus or an anemone. I sucked on his neck, his nipples, the insides of his arms. I licked his meaty rib cage, kissed my way down his belly, sucked on his belly button. My head hovered over his sash. I teased him, kissing the outside of it, licking it. Like a salt lick, the sash had accreted so much salt. I wondered how many sashes he had, if he ever changed them.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  He did things like run his finger up my thighs, gently brushing against my pubic hairs, which raised goose bumps across my body. When he turned me over he touched my nipples so lightly with his tongue that I was practically screaming for more, but he would only do it for a moment and then move on. I have no idea what got into him that day, but he teased me into one of the most intense orgasms of my life. Experts typically explain the desire of so many women for extended foreplay on the basis of the slower rhythms of female sexual physiology. Beatrice’s story reminds us that there is often much more involved. A slow, sensuous buildup of arousal is among the few ways established couples can experience the miracles of anticipation. Unfortunately, men are sometimes reluctant to go slowly because they associate prolonged anticipation with being thwarted or put off—a common and frustrating experience in men’s sexual histories. LONGING AND FULFILLMENTThe erotic significance of longing is impossible to deny. Yet one of the great paradoxes of erotic life is that even though longing craves fulfillment, fulfillment dampens longing. In some instances longing evaporates immediately after the last barrier to access dissolves. An extreme but not unusual example is a pair of coworkers who maintain a strong but “impossible” sexual curiosity for years, only to be permanently satiated by a single chance encounter—perhaps even a very good one. Some erotic fascinations are founded on unavailability and simply can’t survive without it. In more complex attractions, longing normally subsides during and after a passionate encounter, but returns once the lovers part. Yearning renews their passion—at least for a time. However, the predictable togetherness of living-together partnerships often makes longing increasingly difficult to sustain. For more than a few lovers, the demise of longing is a serious impediment to ongoing desire. Yet even couples with relatively few opportunities for longing can still benefit occasionally from its aphrodisiac effects. Sometimes even a brief separation caused by independent travel or the emotional distance created by an argument can be remarkably effective at rekindling longing. In fact, almost 10 percent of The Group’s peak encounters are reunions following such separations or fights. Other subtle manifestations of longing aren’t necessarily dampened by togetherness. I’ve worked with many people in couple’s therapy who describe yearning for certain emotions or behaviors that remain out of reach despite the existence of a committed relationship. One woman repeatedly explained to her husband (he thought she was nagging) how much she craved more emotional closeness with him. On those rare occasions when he disclosed intimate feelings to her, she felt incredibly excited. Her fondest memory was one night when they cried together and then made passionate love. As therapy continued, he revealed how much he longed for those equally rare instances when she totally surrendered to sex. He hadn’t realized that his own emotional openness was the magic potion that brought her passions to life.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  In passing, Frederico also touches on the role of the two remaining cornerstones in boosting his affection for Audrey: searching for power and overcoming ambivalence. He doesn’t like the fact that she controls how often they see each other. Yet her position of power keeps him, quite literally, in hot pursuit. More often than not, the desire to be close is felt most keenly by whichever partner is less secure—Frederico in this case. Nor is it unusual for someone in Frederico’s position to have bouts of ambivalence about the relationship. He naturally wants to avoid being hurt again if this affair is doomed, yet each time he reaffirms that Audrey is worth the risks, his ambivalence is overpowered by his need to be close. CLOSENESS AS AN ANTIAPHRODISIACHardly anyone needs to be convinced that feeling close to someone can be a turn-on. Yet it’s equally important to realize two ways that emotional connections can dampen rather than stimulate desire: (1) when closeness becomes an obligation or demand and (2) when it threatens to dissolve the separateness that is the basis of all attraction. In Frederico’s story, it’s impossible to ignore the contrast between his role as a closed, nonintimate male with his old girlfriend and his eagerness for total involvement with Audrey. We know practically nothing about his old relationship. But in his own analysis of why he felt so much closer to Audrey, Frederico writes, “Nancy [his old girlfriend] made me feel like intimacy was a chore—something to get out of. I also felt completely inadequate to satisfy her. Proving to Nancy that I loved her had become a test I was destined to fail.” Of this I am sure: whenever closeness feels like a requirement—something owed rather than inherently gratifying—it inevitably switches from an aphrodisiac to an antiaphrodisiac. The erotic mind may enthusiastically gravitate toward the risks of intimate self-disclosure. But once you become convinced that you cannot meet that challenge, your enthusiasm changes into avoidance. Many long-term partners set each other up for a similar fate by allowing their closeness to become a “should” rather than a choice. Even couples who manage to avoid making intimacy an obligation will eventually face its paradoxical nature. In early romance the urge to merge magnetically draws the lovers to each other. Yet once they are doing everything together, developing feelings and opinions as a unit rather than as two individuals, they undermine the sense of otherness that was the original basis of their mutual appeal.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  The strongest example of the objectifying quality of lust is a fetish, a superfocused erotic fascination with an inanimate object—something like underwear or shoes or garter belts—although the popular definition has gradually expanded to include a greater than usual fascination with a particular body part. The fetish object usually has some obvious link to sex, but not always. Yet almost everyone with a fetish knows the circumstances under which it developed and its erotic significance for them. I once worked with a man who was very concerned about his obsession with raincoats, especially yellow plastic ones. His most intense orgasms occurred when he masturbated while wearing a raincoat, of which he had quite a collection. Although dismayed by his fetish, he had no trouble explaining it. As a boy he had received a gift of a little fire truck large enough for him to sit on and drive around the room. With it came firemen’s gear, including a yellow raincoat. There were two things he especially liked about this toy: the tingling sensations he got in his groin when he rode the truck and the imagery of strong, brave firemen he conjured up in his mind as he playacted various rescue scenes. Much later he came to realize that he was gay and that his fire truck sensations and fantasies offered him a compelling focal point for his fascination with men and masculinity. As years went by the masturbatory aspects of his raincoat rituals became more explicit and intense. With the addition of one more ingredient—an ongoing struggle to resist what he judged to be his “sickness”—he developed a full-blown fetish that continued to provide him with anxious pleasures throughout his adult life. This story demonstrates how lust can become focused on a single object and the images that go with it. The fetish object becomes a kind of shorthand or, more accurately, an erotic cue that provides a pinpoint focus for arousal. Although most people don’t attach all their sexual desire to a single object, normal lusty attractions nonetheless have an unmistakably fetishistic quality to them. LUST AMONG MEN AND WOMENThe differences between men’s and women’s attitudes toward lust are often debated. It was once widely believed that women had little if any interest in lust. We now know this isn’t true. The expanding library of books of women’s fantasies is a testament to the potential lustiness of the modern woman. There are, however, very real differences between men’s and women’s lust. The narrowing of focus that is a hallmark of lust operates in both sexes, although it is significantly more pronounced in men. I believe that a major reason for this difference is the penis—an instantaneous and unavoidable arousal feedback system.

• From The Diary of a Young Girl (The Definitive Edition) (2020)

  For the first time in his life he’s discovered a girl; for the first time he’s seen that even the biggest pests also have an inner self and a heart, and are transformed as soon as they’re alone with you. For the first time in his life he’s given himself and his friendship to another person. He’s never had a friend before, boy or girl. Now we’ve found each other. I, for that matter, didn’t know him either, had never had someone I could confide in, and it’s led to this . . . The same question keeps nagging me: “Is it right?” Is it right for me to yield so soon, for me to be so passionate, to be filled with as much passion and desire as Peter? Can I, a girl, allow myself to go that far? There’s only one possible answer: “I’m longing so much. . . and have for such a long time. I’m so lonely and now I’ve found comfort!” In the mornings we act normally, in the afternoons too, except now and then. But in the evenings the suppressed longing of the entire day, the happiness and the bliss of all the times before come rushing to the surface, and all we can think about is each other. Every night, after our last kiss, I feel like running away and never looking him in the eyes again. Away, far away into the darkness and alone! And what awaits me at the bottom of those fourteen stairs? Bright lights, questions and laughter. I have to act normally and hope they don’t notice anything. My heart is still too tender to be able to recover so quickly from a shock like the one I had last night. The gentle Anne makes infrequent appearances, and she’s not about to let herself be shoved out the door so soon after she’s arrived. Peter’s reached a part of me that no one has ever reached before, except in my dream! He’s taken hold of me and turned me inside out. Doesn’t everyone need a little quiet time to put themselves to rights again? Oh, Peter, what have you done to me? What do you want from me? Where will this lead? Oh, now I understand Bep. Now, now that I’m going through it myself, I understand her doubts; if I were older and he wanted to marry me, what would my answer be? Anne, be honest! You wouldn’t be able to marry him. But it’s so hard to let go. Peter still has too little character, too little willpower, too little courage and strength. He’s still a child, emotionally no older than I am; all he wants is happiness and peace of mind. Am I really only fourteen? Am I really just a silly schoolgirl? Am I really so inexperienced in everything? I have more experience than most; I’ve experienced something almost no one my age ever has.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  What is the meaning of the special appeal that multiple-partner fantasies hold for so many men and women? The ubiquitous imagery of two eager women in male pornography undoubtedly reflects and reinforces men’s interest in three-ways. But what about women? Their most popular form of erotica—the romance novel—virtually never includes multiple partners. With rare exceptions, such as when three people fall in love with one another, multiple partners do not easily fit the romantic ideal. Fantasies involving more than one partner typically have a purely lustful quality. Many factors contribute to the popularity of multiple partners—especially three-ways—among The Group’s fantasies. The fantasizer is virtually always the focal point of such scenarios. The role of both partners is to respond to every whim of the fantasizer and in doing so to affirm his or her irresistability. In addition, the fantasizer is always in control, whether he or she chooses to dominate, to submit, or prefers to watch the partners put on a show as they have sex with each other. I believe the most important attraction of three-ways is their ability to amplify whichever characteristics turn the fantasizer on. Typically, both partners are of the same gender and thus provide a double dose of maleness or femaleness. Consequently, straight women and gay men usually imagine two or more men, whereas straight men and lesbians gravitate toward two women. Not surprisingly, bisexuals sometimes enjoy the presence of both genders, but many prefer to take advantage of the amplification effect by fantasizing about two men or two women, depending on their inclination at the moment. Second only to the popularity of multiple partners in favorite fantasies are very casual or anonymous partners. Among most of the subgroups, regardless of gender, 20 to 24 percent of their favorite fantasies involve sexy strangers or casual, chance meetings. Bisexual men have the most fantasies of anonymous sex (40 percent) and lesbians have the fewest (17 percent). In real-life encounters most women want some link between sex and feelings of emotional connection, as compared with a significant number of men who do not necessarily require or even want such a connection. However, this distinction almost completely disappears in fantasy. It is a dramatic reminder that in the realm of the erotic imagination we are frequently exempt from the values and preferences that guide our actual behavior. In only 12 percent of cases does The Group select fantasy partners with whom they have any real involvement beyond their fantasies, whether as dates, boyfriends or girlfriends, or primary partners. Women, however, are more likely than men to fantasize about partners with whom they’re involved (14 percent and 9 percent respectively). An even greater gender difference appears in regard to being infatuated or in love with their fantasy partners. Women mention feelings of love more than three times more frequently than men (14 percent and 4 percent respectively). And once again, lesbians are the most likely (17 percent) to mention loving their fantasy partners.

• From The Erotic Mind (1995)

  In other instances, time is a memorability factor for the opposite reason: because there’s so little of it. Stolen moments with a secret lover, a hurried outdoor tryst, a passionate embrace in an elevator, a “quickie” before running off to work—all stand out because time is scarce. A desire so intense that it demands expression, even when there is insufficient time for it, demonstrates its compelling urgency. Norman recalls with enthusiasm one evening when he and his girlfriend were rushing to get ready for a concert: Tammy and I often disagree about who should initiate sex, when, how often, and how long it should last. Sometimes it can be such a pain in the butt I’d rather avoid the whole thing. But there have been several times when all that crap goes out the window. This usually happens when we’re running late for something. Knowing that nothing will come of it I find it easier to be passionate, like one night when Tammy was dressing for the symphony. I rubbed her shoulders and she tried to push me away. But I wouldn’t quit. I enjoyed turning her on even though she whined, “Norrrrman, we’re going to be late.” Next thing you know I was kissing her neck and reaching in her panties. All of a sudden she became like an animal. She grabbed me and kissed me deep and hard while I rubbed her clit and brought her to an orgasm in a minute or two—much faster than usual. Just a few strokes of my cock and I came too. Then we went flying out the door, laughing like lunatics. At the concert she told me there was lipstick smeared on my face. We couldn’t stop laughing. Now why can’t it be like this all the time? Dr. Maslow noticed a curious phenomenon, difficult to explain or even describe, in his research on all kinds of peak experiences: pleasurable distortions of time and space. He made this observation: Not only does time pass in their ecstasies with a frightening rapidity so that a day may pass as if it were a minute, but also a minute so intensely lived may feel like a day or a year. It’s as if they had, in a way, some place in another world in which time simultaneously stood still and moved with great rapidity.6 Although this sounds rather “cosmic,” if you’ve ever had any kind of peak experience, you probably sense what Maslow’s getting at. PRACTICAL USES OF EROTIC MEMORABILITYJust because peak experiences can’t be ordered on demand, you need not wait passively. Knowledge of which memorability factors have contributed to your arousal in the past can help you cultivate conditions for more fulfilling sex now and in the future.