Contentment

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

Page 114 of 189 · 20 per page

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Lust for Life: A ProgramAs women of the millennium, our lives are filled with more possibilities than ever before. We can climb the corporate ladder as high it goes, we can start a business, and we can be stay-at-home moms, if we choose to have children at all. Our lives are rich in opportunities. This also means that our lives can be a whirlwind of to-do lists and hectic days and nights. Finding a balance between our love lives—including our sexuality—our roles within our families, and our career goals is the key to happiness. Live in the presentEven if we don’t consciously realize it, most of us are waiting for something. We postpone big things like career changes, vacations, heart-to-heart conversations, and continued education, and we postpone small things like learning to cook, starting a new hobby, or losing weight. Our goals get placed on the back burner due to the requirements of our day-to-day lives—with the end result that we can’t fully enjoy the present because we are always trying to achieve our goal. If you want to enhance your sex life and your relationship, I hope this guide has helped you begin that journey. From finding ways to discover and communicate your sexual needs, to planning how to incorporate more “me” time into your schedule, I hope you have embraced the “now” philosophy. Now is the time to take that adult-only vacation with your partner, now is the time to sign up for that dance class, and now is the time to act out one of your sexual fantasies. Don’t delay the important things—or the fun things—until tomorrow. Enrich your life by making time for them now. Love your bodyLiving in the present can be difficult if you don’t like the way you look. Body image can be one of the major reasons women delay their happiness. A good friend once told me, “Every moment you spend hating your body is a wasted moment of life,” and how true this is for many women. Loving our bodies and reaching a “happy weight” sometimes feel like impossible tasks. But the reward of being able to feel good in your own skin is priceless. Whether you make this journey with a friend, your partner, a journal, or a therapist, your growing self-confidence will reshape your life—and be a bright light to the young women who are watching and learning from your steps to a healthy, positive, and realistic body image.

• From The Fermata (1994)

  She would be carrying a copy of Mirabella , still wearing the pink sweater. When she sat down, I would lean over and ask her, “After you’ve read your magazine and I’ve read my newspaper, will you join me for dessert?” And of course she would say yes. The two of us would pretend that we didn’t exist for half an hour. While I ate my pot roast, I would rattle the newspaper with a serious air and read it more thoroughly than I’ve read a newspaper in years. Finally there would come an indecisive moment after our dinner plates were removed. I would look up again and say, “Dessert time?” She would get up and come over. “I shouldn’t, but I will,” she would say. “The list looks interesting.” We would discuss what an apricot crumble might in reality be, pretending to be more in the dark than we were. Then I would apologize again for the mix-up with the rooms. I would say that it was pure absent-minded stupidity on my part. She would say, “It’s the second weird thing that has happened to me today.” “Oh?” I would prompt. “The second?” Yes, she would reply. She would tell me that she had been driving along the Mass Pike a few hours earlier, minding her own business, listening to a Suzanne Vega tape, when all of a sudden this voice had come on the speakers saying that he was someone in a car that she had recently passed and that he had used his powers to replace the tape in her cassette player with the one she was hearing. She would report that the tape had turned out to be, as you might expect, pornographic. “Really kind of strong stuff in places,” she would tell me. “Kind of disgusting, actually.” “How very lurid and suggestive and mysterious,” I would say in reaction, making perplexed noises. I would question her further: did she have any idea how such an audiocassette could have made its way into her tape-player? She would say that she had no idea. I would tell her that I was convinced that there were still one or more major phenomena in the universe that were as yet unknown or were radically misunderstood. “Are you a scientist?” she would inquire. I would say no, with a light laugh, and tell her that I was a temp in Boston, returning from seeing relatives in Pittsburgh. She would say that she was doing linguistics at the University of Chicago. She would be interested in language acquisition in children from bilingual families. We would talk quite happily about language acquisition in children from bilingual families for a long while, since I am interested in that subject myself. She would let me pay for her dessert.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Classics that workThe missionary position is famous for good reason. It feels great for your man, because he gets to control the action, and it involves the least amount of energy on your part—ideal when you don’t feel like a workout. Woman-on-top is another classic favorite with couples for similar, but opposing, reasons. You work up a sweat doing it but get to control the thrust and depth of penetration. Your man gets to watch you take charge while enjoying a good time. Both of these positions promise relationship-enhancing sex. They put you face to face with your lover, so you can kiss, nuzzle, and caress your way to the perfect orgasm. Give each other eye contact and you will enjoy a unique, and very sexy, bonding experience with your lover. For a slight change of pace, try sitting sideways to access a different angle of penetration. Alternatively, standing and man-from-behind positions feel a bit naughty. [image file=image_rsrc3BK.jpg] Refining your techniqueHow can you get the most out of these positions? First, be aware of what you want from a sexual move—more or less control, deep penetration, shallow thrusts, or G-spot stimulation, for example. This is important in determining the types of position that work best for you and your partner. Only the first third of your vagina is highly sensitive, so the deep thrusts that accompany missionary-style positions may not be stimulating the most sensitive parts of your vagina. If this is the case, ask your partner to alternate shallow thrusts—in which he almost exits your vagina—with deep thrusts to heighten your pleasure (and also prevent him from climaxing too quickly). Enhancing the everydayEven when your sex life is utterly fulfilling, it’s great to take your favorite positions to the next level by adding a few props. Handcuffs or other light restraints are perfect for light-hearted sexual games of domination and submission. You could also add an element of fantasy. Ask him to tie your arms loosely with a silk scarf, and act out a scenario in which he is taking you against your will. Alternatively he could blindfold you and take control of your senses. This will lead you to experience heightened anticipation and sensory perception—you won’t know where his hands or lips will travel next. MissionaryClose positions such as the missionary allow for very intimate lovemaking. Use the opportunity to kiss, nibble, nuzzle, and whisper sexy thoughts to each other. You will enjoy the sensations of his deep thrusts, while he will love being able to watch your every reaction. The most instinctive lovemaking position, the classic missionary allows you to experiment with new ways of touching, kissing, and pleasuring each other during sex. It also allows you to watch each other reach orgasm. Don’t be afraid of the “orgasm face.” It is a special connection between you and your partner, and the missionary and all its variations are excellent for reveling in this private, erotic part of your relationship.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Some of us have an internal fan club that tells us we are the greatest thing since avocado toast. That isn’t God either. Both of those are likely reflections of our own self-image. I remember another old preacher saying, “God comes to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.” That sounds about right. God’s voice will often say what you don’t expect. It will reassure you but challenge you. It will give you inner peace but propel you outside your comfort zone. It will pat you on the back and kick your butt at the same time. In a good way. 5. God’s voice is considerate and loving toward others. James gives us a useful description of God’s voice when he says, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (3:17). Notice how many of those words relate to our social behavior: considerate, submissive, full of mercy, impartial, sincere. God cares about how we treat people. He loves them just as much as He loves us. When we pray, we need to filter what we hear through the list above. If my words start with “God told me . . .” and are followed by my demanding my rights, that’s a red flag. Not that I don’t have rights. I do. But I rarely need God to remind me of them. More often, I need Him to remind me that the way of the cross is one of sacrificial love and service. When you think God may be speaking to you, run it through the “wisdom from above” test. If it doesn’t pass, go back to praying and listening. God has more to say. 6. God’s voice is confirmed in multiple ways. In the Old Testament, testimony in court was only considered valid if it was confirmed by two or three witnesses (Deuteronomy 19:15). The principle is repeated in a spiritual context in the New Testament (2 Corinthians 13:1). Usually, if God tells you something important, He will repeat that message multiple times and in more than one way. He promised Abraham on several occasions that He would one day have descendants even though his wife was barren (Genesis 12:2; 17:1–21; 18:10). He sent numerous prophets to warn Israel to repent as well as to prophesy about the Savior who would one day come. God knows we need to hear some things more than once. We don’t always get it right the first time. We might be confused, unsure if we’re hearing correctly or making things up. If you feel that way sometimes, it’s a good thing. It means you are humble enough to recognize you could be wrong. People who are always sure they are hearing God correctly scare me. That’s how cults start. If you think you might be hearing from God, start by checking it against the previous points we’ve discussed.

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  It yet remains for a man to say, if he will, that “the already perfected and formed natures, visible and invisible, are not signified under the name of heaven and earth, when we read, In the beginning God made heaven and earth, but that the yet unformed commencement of things, the stuff apt to receive form and making, was called by these names, because therein were confusedly contained, not as yet distinguished by their qualities and forms, all those things which being now digested into order, are called Heaven and Earth, the one being the spiritual, the other the corporeal, creation.” All which things being heard and well considered, I will not strive about words: for that is profitable to nothing, but the subversion of the hearers. But the law is good to edify, if a man use it lawfully: for that the end of it is charity, out of a pure heart and good conscience, and faith unfeigned. And well did our Master know, upon which two commandments He hung all the Law and the Prophets. And what doth it prejudice me, O my God, Thou light of my eyes in secret, zealously confessing these things, since divers things may be understood under these words which yet are all true,—what, I say, doth it prejudice me, if I think otherwise than another thinketh the writer thought? All we readers verily strive to trace out and to understand his meaning whom we read; and seeing we believe him to speak truly, we dare not imagine him to have said any thing, which ourselves either know or think to be false. While every man endeavours then to understand in the Holy Scriptures, the same as the writer understood, what hurt is it, if a man understand what Thou, the light of all true-speaking minds, dost show him to be true, although he whom he reads, understood not this, seeing he also understood a Truth, though not this truth?

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  But was not either the Father, or the Son, borne above the waters? if this means, in space, like a body, then neither was the Holy Spirit; but if the unchangeable supereminence of Divinity above all things changeable, then were both Father, and Son, and Holy Ghost borne upon the waters. Why then is this said of Thy Spirit only, why is it said only of Him? As if He had been in place, Who is not in place, of Whom only it is written, that He is Thy gift? In Thy Gift we rest; there we enjoy Thee. Our rest is our place. Love lifts us up thither, and Thy good Spirit lifts up our lowliness from the gates of death. In Thy good pleasure is our peace. The body by its own weight strives towards its own place. Weight makes not downward only, but to his own place. Fire tends upward, a stone downward. They are urged by their own weight, they seek their own places. Oil poured below water, is raised above the water; water poured upon oil, sinks below the oil. They are urged by their own weights to seek their own places. When out of their order, they are restless; restored to order, they are at rest. My weight, is my love; thereby am I borne, whithersoever I am borne. We are inflamed, by Thy Gift we are kindled; and are carried upwards; we glow inwardly, and go forwards. We ascend Thy ways that be in our heart, and sing a song of degrees; we glow inwardly with Thy fire, with Thy good fire, and we go; because we go upwards to the peace of Jerusalem: for gladdened was I in those who said unto me, We will go up to the house of the Lord. There hath Thy good pleasure placed us, that we may desire nothing else, but to abide there for ever. Blessed creature, which being itself other than Thou, has known no other condition, than that, so soon as it was made, it was, without any interval, by Thy Gift, Which is borne above every thing changeable, borne aloft by that calling whereby Thou saidst, Let there be light, and there was light. Whereas in us this took place at different times, in that we were darkness, and are made light: but of that is only said, what it would have been, had it not been enlightened. And, this is so spoken, as if it had been unsettled and darksome before; that so the cause whereby it was made otherwise, might appear, namely, that being turned to the Light unfailing it became light. Whoso can, let him understand this; let him ask of Thee. Why should he trouble me, as if I could enlighten any man that cometh into this world?

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  And there was no architect’s office with smoke and anger pouring out late into the night while children hid in their bedrooms scared to sleep or dream. Miles slept in a bed 10 feet away from two giant writing desks Andy and I pushed together. So while the parents were writing, the child was sleeping, and art kept us well and space kept us well and trees watched over us so dreams could get born. There was no mother you couldn’t find in the house because she was out selling real estate, or locked in the bathroom with a bottle. I used to watch Miles fall asleep from drinking boob milk late into the night. I’m guessing all mothers do this. But I bet not all mothers were thinking of Shakespearean sentence structures when they watched their babies drunkenly drift into sleep. I know, watching your boy suck tit doesn’t seem very Shakespearian on the face of it. But when I watched Miles go from mother’s milk to burp to deep and frothy dream, his body heavy in my lap, the blue-black of night resting on us, I thought of Shakespearean chiasmus. A chiasmus in language is a crisscross structure. A doubling back sentence. A doubling of meaning. My favorite is “love’s fire heats water, water cools not love.” As a motif, a chiasmus is a world within a world where transformation is possible. In the green world events and actions lose their origins. Like in dreams. Time loses itself. The impossible happens as if it were ordinary. First meanings are undone and remade by second meanings. I didn’t sleep much the first two years in the forest house. Miles, bless his hungry little head, wanted more milk than any man alive. All night. I thought of my mother - and my own unquenchable, milkless mouth. If this boy wanted milk, I would give it to him. Maybe all our lives were being reborn in the forest. My exhaustion was of course epic, but only in that way it is for everyone else, too. I taught full-time shooting for tenure so we’d have a shot at a life. Andy too exhausted himself. We taught in alternate waves day and night and parented by passing Miles off like a football between us. Thank god for breast pumps and bouncy chairs. The exhaustion of new parents is absurd. Beyond absurd. But I’m not about to get all righteous about that. In fact, it’s something else altogether I want to tell you. I think our exhaustion in the green world brought us to our best selves. Listen to this: the first two years of Miles’ life? When I was supposed to be depleted? I wrote a novel and seven short stories. Andy wrote a novel and three screenplays. Read that again. How is it that so much writing happened inside the least amount of time or energy? Green world.

• From The Fermata (1994)

  She carries her vibrating Cleft-Goddess around with her in her purse and turns it on at will, as when she has an important deadline at MassBank that she can’t otherwise meet. She strips pedestrians and tells me about strange genitalia she has seen and known. She talks of taking a jaunt down to Washington and sucking the presidential dick. Sometimes she uses Fold tricks while we’re having sex: for instance, she will alternate her mouth and her vadge on my richard so fast that I feel as if I’m in both places at once—as if she’s twirling over me. We’ve mentioned marriage as a possibility. The other day I was in her apartment. I did some pushups on the floor. Then I sat on her bed. I called out, “Can I tell you about this great dream I once had about how you saved the two of us with your flying blue brassiere?” “Briefly,” said Joyce from the bathroom. She was unbraiding her hair. “We were in a boat in the middle of this lake of sulfuric acid,” I happily began, “and you were wearing your flying blue brassiere …” Joyce has saved me, for the time being. I haven’t taken a stranger’s clothes off in weeks now. I’m trying to interest a publisher in my autobiography. But even if nobody wants to publish it, I could still have, say, a hundred copies made up. I’ll typeset them myself. I’ll get Copy Cop to bind them. I’ll design a jacket that uses the logo of some flush, big-name publisher like Random House. Yes, I’ll put that little stylized house on the bottom of the spine of my book. I’ll use a color copier to make the cover. It will look like a real book! And then, assuming I get my Fold-powers back, I’ll go to Waterstone’s or the Avenue Victor Hugo and Drop and put this book in people’s hands just as they think their fingers are closing on some other, real, book. They will read me. Word will spread. The Fermata, my Fermata, the keeper of all my secrets, will be a secret no longer. The Fermata BOOKS BY N ICHOLSON B AKER “It’s hard to find an analogue for Baker’s combination of intellectual playfulness and lyricism. The music of Erik Satie comes to mind. Also peanut butter and bacon sandwiches—something weird and wonderful about which you can only say, Try it. You’ll like it.’ ” —Philadelphia Inquirer THE FERMATA Outrageously arousing, acrobatically stylish, The Fermata is a graphic, but good-natured peep deep into the ethical interstices of time, testosterone, and the furtive male imagination. Fiction/0-679-75933-6 THE MEZZANINE Startlingly inventive and filled with offbeat wit, this wondrous novel turns a ride up the escalator of an office building into a dazzling meditation on our most familiar relationships with objects and people we usually take for granted.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  I’m sure Mary and Martha had never felt so seen and heard as they did that day. When you pray, God sees you and hears you. His presence accompanies you and comforts you. He laments with you. He celebrates with you. He does life with you. 6. Rest Earlier I quoted Jesus’ invitation to the multitudes: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:28–29). When we draw near to God, we find rest for our souls. I think that’s what Mary found, and it’s what Martha needed. Don’t be in a hurry to leave His presence. Sit at His feet for a while, enjoying His favor and His gaze. Let busyness dissolve and time stand still. Nothing matters more than being with Him. Joy, peace, wisdom, courage, understanding, rest—God’s presence gives us all of that and more. But ultimately, it’s less about what we get and more about who we are with. The benefits are secondary to His presence. God himself is His gift to us. And we are our gift to Him. So, once again, what do you give a God who has everything? You. You give Him you. SEVEN Have you tried resetting it?Prayer and process When your phone, computer, or Wi-Fi router starts giving you trouble, the first line of defense is always the same. Reset it. That simply means that you turn it off, turn it back on, and hope for the best. If the mouse is stuck, you reboot your computer. If Candy Crush is lagging, you restart your phone. If the router appears to have given up the ghost, you reset it. It doesn’t matter what device it is or what is going wrong, you reset the thing. No one really knows what happens inside the device when you reset it. I guess it cleans out fragmented files or unused pieces of . . . something. I don’t know. Demons, maybe. The point is, it usually works when you reset it. And when a device that two minutes earlier seemed to be gasping on its deathbed suddenly springs back to life, it restores your faith in technology. Of course, if you have forty-seven unsaved documents open on your laptop, shutting it down is the last thing you want to do. But if you keep going and ignore the warning signs, sooner or later, it freezes up completely. Then you find yourself desperately hoping that you didn’t lose everything. Unfortunately, kids don’t have an actual reset button, but sleep accomplishes a similar function. When they are falling apart mentally and emotionally, Julia and I just look at each other and count down the hours until bedtime.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  There was no father.The second portrait was a picture-postcard photograph: it had been placed in the edge of the large picture’s frame, but its corner curled a little, showing a loop of faded writing on the back. The subject of the portrait was a woman - a heavybrowed woman with untidy dark hair: she seemed to be sitting very squarely, and her gaze was rather grave. I thought she might be the sister from the family group, grown up; or she might be a friend of Florence’s, or a cousin, or - well, anybody. I leaned over to try to read the handwriting that showed where the card curled over; but it was hidden, and I didn’t like to pluck it free - it wasn’t that intriguing. Then I caught the bubbling of the pan of water I had set upon the stove, and hurried out to see to it.I found a little tin bowl to wash in, and a block of green kitchen soap; and then - since there was no towel, and I didn’t think it really polite to use the dish-cloth - I danced about before the range until I was dry enough to climb back into my dirty petticoats. I thought, with a little sigh, of Diana’s handsome bathroom - of that cabinet of unguents that I had liked to sample for hours at a time. Even so, it was marvellous to be clean again, and when I had combed my hair and tended my face (I rubbed a bit of vinegar into the bruise, and then a bit of flour); when I had thumped the filth from my skirts and pressed them flat and put them on again, I felt fit and warm and quite unreasonably gay. I walked back into the parlour - it was a matter of some ten steps or so - stood for a second there, then returned to the kitchen. It was, I thought, a very pleasant house; as I had already begun to notice, however, it was not a very clean one. The rugs, I saw, all badly wanted beating. The skirting-boards were scuffed and streaked with mud. Every shelf and picture was as dusty as the sooty mantelpiece. If this was my house, I thought, I would keep it smart as a new pin.Then I had a rather wonderful idea. I ran back into the parlour and looked at the clock. Less than an hour had passed since Florence’s departure, and neither she nor Ralph, I guessed, would be home much before five. That gave me about eight whole hours - slightly less, I supposed, if I wanted to be sure of finding myself a room in some lodging-house or hostel while it was still light.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  One way is to play a game with yourself. When you’re out and about, count how many people you see wearing glasses. Then count how many people are wearing earbuds. Or count how many people have facial hair. The counting is conscious, but it unconsciously teaches you to shift your attention to faces. In the end, the number of glasses, earbuds, or mustaches you count doesn’t matter, but the fact that you’re looking at human faces matters a lot. This will feel weird at first. Looking directly at people, even if they’re not looking back, might seem odd. But keep going. I do this myself when I’m in a crowded subway car, at the mall, or on the playground with my kids after school. When I deliberately look at faces, I feel more grounded and relaxed. It turns my attention outward, which gives me accurate information about what’s happening—I’m surrounded by bored commuters, weary shoppers, or energetic kids. As one of my clients, Anthony, exclaimed after we stood on a subway platform for an hour of looking at faces, “But wait, these are just people!” * * * As for Diego, now he looks at faces at the hospital—patients, residents, attendings—not to scan for signs of contempt but in order to pay attention to what they’re saying. Instead of focusing inward on his worries and management strategies, he focuses on people and the tasks at hand. As a result of busting the first myth of social anxiety, he’s a better doctor, not to mention less anxious. Even better, by the end of that first year in the hospital, by turning his attention inside out Diego also turned his evaluations around. The residents found him attentive and focused. The attendings wrote that he was observant and responsive. He had mastered taking histories, doing physicals, and yes, performing testicular exams, but he knew the key to being a good doctor wasn’t any of those things—instead, it was paying attention to his tasks, not his anxiety. 12 Seeing Is Believing: How You Feel Isn’t How You Look “I hate presentations,” said Mei as she took a sip of her latte. “I loathe them with the fire of a thousand suns.” It was early spring, and as Mei sat in my office for her first appointment, she told me she was scheduled to give a presentation in August to five hundred people, with two thousand more watching via webcast. Although it was five months away, she was already petrified. “I can’t feel like this for months,” she said. “I’ll die. I will absolutely die.” Death sounded like a lousy option. So instead, we busted the second myth of social anxiety: How I feel is how I look.

• From The Fermata (1994)

  I hadn’t read it, though I’d heard of John Mortimer. She glanced at the back, then flipped to the first page, then skipped to somewhere in the middle, where a scene caught her eye. She read for a few seconds, and then she did what I was hoping she would do: she curled the corner of the page under her fingertip so that she would be able to turn to it immediately when she needed to—thus signaling to me that she was definitely going to look at the next page. I snapped my fingers to invoke the Clutch and gently removed the Mortimer novel from her hands and wrote on the page that she would be turning to, in as elegant a cursive as I could muster, I need to pop my nuts on a pair of small sexy tits right this second!! I snapped out of the time-clutch and watched her from a safe distance as she turned the page and read what I had written. She did an almost imperceptible double take, then flipped around in the book to see if there was anything else handwritten. She looked about her, noticed me absorbed in a copy of The Princess of Cleves , and, because (though somewhat rough-hewn) I look “intellectual” (the glasses), she was reassured that whoever had written that desideratum in the book she had picked up had done so a while ago, perhaps months ago, and was in any case no longer in the store. Then she sighed conclusively and put the book back on the shelf and inspected something by Muriel Spark called Loitering with Intent . Titles are so important to lonely browsers. I could of course have written something dirty in that book, too, but I resisted the urge, not only because it would have made her fearful that someone was singling her out somehow, but also because I couldn’t for some reason make myself write nasty things in a book written by a woman. I could deface John Mortimer without compunction, but not so Muriel Spark. I hovered there until the woman in black cotton finally left (with Breakfast at Tiffany’s ), and then I bought the Mortimer myself, since I had ruined it.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Getting naked is a good way to start—he will then find it helpful to spend five minutes or so breathing deeply and just letting his mind relax. It is important that a man enjoy this time with himself and get pleasure from it— he might also learn something about his sexual response. Men react to visual stimulation, so he might want to use an erotic magazine or movie, or to imagine a favorite fantasy to become aroused. Once he’s getting in the mood, he can touch his body lightly all over, then use stronger, firmer strokes on his chest, thighs, and buttocks. Then, when he is feeling fully aroused, he can move on to stroking and caressing his genitals. There are also many sex toys designed to enhance male masturbation and they can add novelty to his routine in the bath or bedroom. Once he climaxes, there’s no need to rush and finish the session. Instead, he should try to spend a few minutes relaxing and enjoying the sense of release and peace. Build stamina, create intimacyMasturbating is a pleasurable solo pursuit for a man, but it also has the benefit of improving the sex you have with him. This is because regular self-love sessions build up his stamina and result in more powerful and prolonged orgasms. And being open with your partner about your self-love practices can bring you closer together. If you and your partner have never spoken about your sexual needs or preferences, then talking about masturbation will open the door to other sexual discussions. These might include revealing your favorite fantasies and discovering his. You may also discover how often you both want sex—and which positions you both enjoy most. Being open with each other about these matters will naturally enhance your intimacy and understanding of each other. In this way, and others, masturbation can do wonders for both of your arousal levels and sex drives. Mutual masturbationMany people fantasize about watching their lover masturbate and it can be a very erotic experience. Start by touching yourself, then watch your partner’s touches. Don’t rush to reach a mutual orgasm—watching each other climax in turn can be a freeing experience. It can also be the best prologue to manual sex. Once you’ve put on a show for your partner, he’ll know all the right touches to use when it’s his turn to play. [image file=image_rsrc3A8.jpg] Chapter 3: Know your MindPerspectives on Sex Self-esteem and your Sex Life Self-esteem and your Partner’s Sex Life Sex Drive Your Sex Drive Your Partner’s Sex Drive Mismatched Libido Releasing your Inner Vixen

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I did not hold my breath in wonder when I opened my eyes upon her face, still and shadowed in the thin grey light of dawn. I had seen her strip to wash or to change her gown. I was as familiar with her body, now, as with my own - more so, indeed, because her head, her neck, her wrists, her back, her limbs (which were as smooth and as rounded and as freckled as her cheek), her skin (which she wore with a marvellous, easy grace, as if it were another kind of handsome suit, perfectly tailored and pleasant to wear), were, I thought, so much lovelier and more fascinating than my own.No, I didn’t want a single thing to change - not even when I learned something about Walter that was rather disconcerting.Inevitably, we had spent so many hours with Walter - working upon songs at Mrs Dendy’s piano, or supping with him after shows - that we had begun to look upon him less as Kitty’s agent and more as a friend, to both of us. In time it wasn’t only working-days that we were spending with him, but Sundays, too; eventually, indeed, Sundays with Walter became the rule rather than the exception, and we began to listen out for the rumble of his carriage in Ginevra Road, the pounding of his boots upon our attic stairs, his rap upon our parlour door, his foolish, extravagant greetings. He would bring bits of news and gossip; we would drive into town, or out of it; we would stroll together - Kitty with her hand in the crook of one of his great arms, me with mine in the crook of the other, Walter himself like a blustering uncle, loud and lively and kind.I thought nothing of it, except that it was pleasant, until one morning as I sat eating my breakfast beside Kitty and Sims and Percy and Tootsie. It was a Sunday, and Kitty and I were rather tardy; when Sims heard who it was that we were rushing for, he gave a cry: ‘My word, Kitty, but Walter must be expecting marvellous things of you! I’ve never known him spend so much time with an artiste before. Anyone would think he was your beau!’

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  But the seventh day hath no evening, nor hath it setting; because Thou hast sanctified it to an everlasting continuance; that that which Thou didst after Thy works which were very good, resting the seventh day, although Thou madest them in unbroken rest, that may the voice of Thy Book announce beforehand unto us, that we also after our works (therefore very good, because Thou hast given them us), shall rest in Thee also in the Sabbath of eternal life. For then shalt Thou rest in us, as now Thou workest in us; and so shall that be Thy rest through us, as these are Thy works through us. But Thou, Lord, ever workest, and art ever at rest. Nor dost Thou see in time, nor art moved in time, nor restest in a time; and yet Thou makest things seen in time, yea the times themselves, and the rest which results from time. We therefore see these things which Thou madest, because they are: but they are, because Thou seest them. And we see without, that they are, and within, that they are good, but Thou sawest them there, when made, where Thou sawest them, yet to be made. And we were at a later time moved to do well, after our hearts had conceived of Thy Spirit; but in the former time we were moved to do evil, forsaking Thee; but Thou, the One, the Good God, didst never cease doing good. And we also have some good works, of Thy gift, but not eternal; after them we trust to rest in Thy great hallowing. But Thou, being the Good which needeth no good, art ever at rest, because Thy rest is Thou Thyself. And what man can teach man to understand this? or what Angel, an Angel? or what Angel, a man? Let it be asked of Thee, sought in Thee, knocked for at Thee; so, so shall it be received, so shall it be found, so shall it be opened. Amen. GRATIAS TIBI DOMINE THE END [image file=images/image_img1.jpg]

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Sweet nightsMake your bed and bedroom a sexy, relaxing part of your home. This is crucial for setting a romantic mood and will make your bedroom a place where you and your man want to spend time. Make sure the mattress is supportive and comfortable, and has good bounce. Higher beds are better for helping you achieve different positions than low-slung beds, but you can always improvise. Choose silky high-thread-count sheets in luxurious fabrics so that when you and your partner head to bed, you will both be enveloped in soft touches. Once you’ve set the bedroom scene and bedded down, think about touching him in a more primal way. For example, you could start things off by curling your fingers loosely in his hair or trailing your nails gently along his back. Light it upBefore you actually get down to touching each other, think about just looking first. The sight of naked flesh is incredibly erotic to both men and women, and simply baring all can really make you feel like getting tactile. If you feel self-conscious, think dim lighting—candles and firelight will give your skin a warm glow. Bathe in the soft light and set about arousing each other’s senses. Try out different thingsTouch is a vital part of human affection and bonding, and it can have healing powers when used often and well. Spend time thinking about opportunities for sensation in your relationship—this will lead you to be more touchy-feely. Find new ways to use gestures that convey warmth and love each day. Experiment with sensations of hot, cold, smooth, and rough. Try rubbing a piece of ice across your partner’s bare torso, or heat things up by placing warmed stones on his back. These sensual experiments will naturally lead you to rethink and reinvent the sexual touches you use in your relationship. Relearning erotic touchInvite your lover to worship your body with different types of touch. Try out the three tantalizing techniques explained here and see where they take you. Experiment with new sensations to evoke all the senses, try hug love for sweet intimacy, and use touchy-feely foreplay to get you both in the mood for some deliciously hot sex. New sensations Make his world melt away when you kiss him, by evoking all his senses. Look deeply into his eyes, wrap your arms around his neck, and press your body against his. Lick your lips. Kiss his lower then his upper lip. Open your mouth and run your tongue around the inside of his lips. Give him a little tongue and use your mouth to invite him to kiss you back. Now it’s his turn.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  I am in a midnight blue room. A writing room. With a blood red desk. A room with rituals and sanctuaries. I made it for myself. It took me years. I reach down below my desk and pull up a bottle of scotch. Balvenie. 30 year. I pour myself an amber shot. I drink. Warm lips, throat. I close my eyes. I am not Virginia Woolf. But there is a line of hers that keeps me well: Arrange whatever pieces come your way. I am not alone. Whatever else there was or is, writing is with me. V. The Other Side of Drowning Run On IT’S YOUR SECOND EX-HUSBAND’S BIRTHDAY, YOU KNOW, the one you divorced because he slept with not one but about five gazillion different women, and he calls you at 2:00 a.m. all drunk from Paris where you two used to rent apartments and make art because it’s his birthday and he tells you he’s fallen in love with a woman who reminds him of you at 23 - By the way, I’m switching to second person because if I say “I,” in your head you’ll just picture Heather Locklear or something so-YOU. You are 37 on your way to the big 4-0. You are divorced for the sad sad second time. You are in SoCal. Living alone. Making sure your blonde is blonde. Waxed.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  This is exactly the reason so many return to the polygamist environment they grew up in. The leaders have designed it this way to maintain control over people. This is something I hope to resolve. When I do, I will have truly won over their sick theologies. This is my lifetime process and commitment. I want to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin, with my own experiences, and just be ordinary. That, to me, is success. [image file=img/img0024.jpg] Nori Muster is the author of Betrayal of the Spirit: My Life Behind the Headlines of the Hare Krishna Movement (University of Illinois Press) and Cult Survivor's Handbook: How to Live in the Material World Again (www.surrealist.org). One of the most colorful and aggressive guru cults of the 196os was the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON). Better known as the Hare Krishna movement, its members danced in the streets to the beat of Indian drums and solicited donations in airports. Thousands joined ISKCON seeking truth from the organization's Hindu roots in India. Their motto was "chant and be happy," but the organization also had a dark side. After a ten-year stint in ISKCON, my husband and I moved to Oregon. I went back to school and in i99i earned a master's degree in youth counseling. A few years later, I visited an ISKCON temple in southern California and met some of the young adults who had grown up in the group. They had been through the organization's school system, called gurukula, which is Sanskrit for "school of the guru." I told them about my graduate work using art therapy to help juvenile sex offenders, and they told me about the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse they had endured in the ISKCON-run school system. I wanted to learn more, so in 1995 I rented an apartment in Los Angeles and spent most of my time with the children of Krishna who came to the Los Angeles temple. I learned that most of the abuse occurred between 1971 and 1986 in gurukula boarding schools in Texas, West Virginia, and India. During those years, the organization required parents to send their children to the schools once they reached the age of five. Some children were enrolled as young as three or four. The leadership (the Governing Body Commission, GBC, and all levels of the administration) claimed that the schools were safe environments for children and denied any knowledge of abuse until 1996. At first, it was difficult for me to believe that ISKCON had perpetrated violent child abuse for fifteen years and then covered it up for an additional ten years, particularly considering that I had been a member during those years of abuse and did not know about it. However, looking back now, all the symptoms were there: blind obedience to authority, a paranoid fear of sex and all touching, negative attitudes toward women and children, and isolation of children in the schools.

• From The Fermata (1994)

  Just the idea of how clean this beach towel was, how fast it had spun for me in the laundromat’s washing machine a few days earlier so that I could lie on it now, was more than enough for me. I recalled John Lennon announcing to the world that he could get high just looking at a flower. I didn’t need big breasts, big jeroboams of titflesh, big hot fleshpots shaking in their self-serve tit-boosting black breastiers—no, I could get high just lying on a towel. Towels, though, were unfortunately not an entirely uncharged subject for me: they were closely associated with my second successful fermation, a year after I had employed the time-transformer in Miss Dobzhansky’s class—and perhaps I should describe that early episode for the record right now. (I have to say, as I spring around this way, that I can’t understand how real autobiographers like Maurice Baring or Robert Graves do it. How are they able to move so smoothly and so casually from a to b to c ? I’m humbled by the difficulty of presenting one’s life truly without seeming to be a proponent of overfamiliar nonlinear orthodoxies. It isn’t that I think my disorder so far is in any way swanky or artistic; it’s that when I try to be a responsible memoirist and arrange my experiences in their proper places on a timeline, my interest in them dies and they altogether refuse to allow themselves to be told. I find that I have to submit to every anecdotal temptation just as it arises, regardless of temporal priority, in order for it, for me, to flower adequately into words.) So: chronofugation. The summer after fifth grade I used to go down the clothes-strewn stairs to the basement (the basement stairway was our dirty-clothes hamper) and spend major portions of the afternoon observing my family’s sheets and towels and clothes toil and spin. There was a safety interlock, a hinged inward-swinging tab, that cut the motor if the lid was opened during the spin cycle, but it was a simple matter to disable it: I just jammed it open with a pen. I stood at the washing machine for many hours, refining my appreciation of centrifugal force.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  MOVEMENT The following ways to pray have more to do with your posture or location than the words you say. Sitting in your favorite chair with a Bible and a weighted blanket might be the ideal way to pray for some people, but for others, that’s just a clever way of saying “nap.” Regardless of your personality, try adding movement to your prayer times and see what happens. Remember, we are wholistic beings. Our bodies and brains are linked in ways we don’t often realize. Involving ourselves physically in prayer is natural and delightful. Walking or pacing while praying helps with alertness and burns a few calories at the same time. If you’re the fidgety type, it also helps direct your energy so that it doesn’t distract you. Kneeling, lying down, or raising your hands in prayer can be surprisingly powerful postures. When you feel in awe of God or sense a deep hunger to understand His sovereignty and power, try kneeling, lying prostrate, or raising your hands. Hiking or camping in the silence and beauty of God’s creation are life- giving, soul-healing ways to commune with God. Go outside the city at night and find somewhere you can see the stars, then just meditate on God: His power, beauty, faithfulness, and love for His creation (which includes you). Going for a walk or a drive is a creative way to expand your prayers. Pray as you travel—for yourself, your neighborhood, your town. For the neighbor you see on the street. For the homeless person on the corner. For the passing strangers who are facing their own share of fears. For the guy who just cut you off, because that’s what Jesus would do. For your world. CREATIVITY Many people express themselves better through art or through building something than they do through conversational speaking. If that’s you, try using your art and your talents to communicate with God. Write a poem. Poetry uses form and rhythm to communicate more than what words alone can say. Psalms and other sections of the Bible are poetry, and they still resonate with us thousands of years later. Pray with your music. If you are musical, you may naturally reach for your guitar or sit down at a keyboard when you pray. Write a song or play one