Anxiety

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

Page 357 of 501 · 20 per page

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  While this may sound discouraging, it is actually good news. If you can conceptualize your anxiety as a false alarm, and your anxious thoughts as being like the chattering of a monkey, you have already begun your healing. You understand that the monkey mind is a working part of you, but you are not the monkey. In cognitive behavioral therapy we call this defusion. Becoming aware of this difference de-fuses—creates a distance between—the part of you that is hyperreactive to threat and the rational part of you that can notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, and learn to override them when necessary. Working with patients, I’ve learned that defusion is a lot easier when we conceptualize the source of anxiety not as a monster within, but only as a frightened little monkey trying to do its job. This book will teach you how to develop resilience to the monkey’s alarms so that you can think and act clearly in situations where you are usually hijacked. Having more resilience will also allow you to be more resourceful and flexible when real threats arise. With practice you will eventually experience less anxiety, which I imagine is why you are reading this book. And there’s a bonus. While following this practice you’ll also reclaim your personal values and reorient yourself toward what your heart desires. With your new awareness of the monkey mind, you’ve taken the first step on your path to recovery. You understand now that your anxiety does not define you. It is a distinct part of you that is beyond your direct control. Coming up, step two: recognizing how anxiety affects your thinking. What happens to your point of view when you get hijacked by the monkey? Chapter 1 Takeaway Our anxiety is a call to action generated by the monkey mind’s perception of threat.

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  Thursday Anxiety Taking a walk without my cell phone 15 min.255 Saturday Anxiety, guilt Arriving five minutes late to meet a friend for dinner NA674 Monday Anger Driver cut me off in traffic 5 sec.583 The “Sensation Intensity” column is for rating the strength of your physical sensations. How rapidly is your heart beating? How tense are your muscles? How queasy or nauseous does your stomach feel? A 10 would be the most intense sensation you’ve ever felt. A 1 would be a mild sensation that, unless you were paying attention, you might not even notice. The “Emotion Level” column is for tracking the strength of your emotional response to the situation you are in. Typical emotions may include sadness, anxiety, dread and guilt. Often the intensity of the emotion you are feeling will correspond to the intensity of your physical sensations so much that they blur together. In this practice you are learning to differentiate between what is a physical sensation and what is an emotional experience. Learning to gauge how well you are welcoming these necessary feelings is the most difficult part of this exercise. Welcoming necessary feelings requires changing your stance toward anxiety. What you had been resisting

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  say it clearly, and it must be good. If I mess up or show signs of anxiety people will see me as a failure. the target than to hit a bull’s-eye. Doing well and poorly at things does not define my worth as a person. Safety Strategies Don’t do it! Avoid looking at the audience. Try to sound intelligent. Hide signs of anxiety. Stop or escape if I get too anxious. Expansive Strategies Make eye contact with Jennifer. Make three points in five minutes. Allow Jennifer to see signs of anxiety like blushing, sweating, and shaking. Keep talking even if anxious. Necessary Feelings: Anxiety, panic, sweating, shaking, and blushing As they check off each feature of the practice they were able to employ, they are transformed from frightened students into wise teachers. With every check mark, they are giving themselves recognition and praise. They almost always deserve an “A” when grading on new criteria. Less commonly, the opposite can happen. Sometimes a client will deliver a surprisingly smooth presentation, and give herself an “A” right away for looking confident, not feeling very anxious, and remembering everything she wanted to say. This is grading on hitting a bull’s-eye, which is monkey mind-set criteria. Evaluate your practice session on the process, not the outcome. Did you honor your values? Did you cultivate an expansive mindset and employ expansive strategies? These are the things you can control, and it is your focus on them that will bring you new experience and learning. When you hit a bull’s-eye or have less anxiety in a practice situation, it is an indication that you are ready for the next level. If you aren’t being challenged with necessary feelings, you are not building resilience to future anxiety. Don’t let a bull’s-eye distract you from your expansive mission! You can download your own Expansion Chart to practice with at http://www.newharbinger.com/35067. Checking off the fields of our Expansion Chart isn’t the only way we can give ourselves positive feedback. For example, I give some of my clients points. I tell them, “Good job! You get a point for that.” We don’t necessarily keep a tally, but it is effective just the same. When my clients are welcoming necessary feelings in my office, I keep a running commentary using words like “awesome,” “excellent,” and “keep it up.” I get to see the power of praise firsthand, which is very rewarding. When you practice, be your own coach and teacher. Praise your planning, praise your execution, praise your courage welcoming negative feelings. Praise everything about your practice except the outcome!

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  Problem/Opportunity: Writing Values: Authenticity, Self-Acceptance, Creativity, Courage Monkey Mind-set I must know what I am going to say, say it clearly, and it must be good. If I don’t do it perfectly it will show I am not good enough. Expansive Mind-set Creativity involves risk. Doing well and poorly at things does not define my worth as a person. Safety Strategies Research more. Wait until I feel clear minded. When I get frustrated, quit. Expansive Strategies Restrict amount of time I will write to 30 minutes. Write freely, allow for imperfection. Use a Welcoming Breath. Necessary Feelings: Anxiety, confusion, and frustration The power of the Expansion Chart derives from the fact that before you complete each field, you have to think. Expansion practice deserves, in fact requires, thoughtful preparation. To approach any practice situation without a plan invites a monkey hijacking. It would be like trying to quarterback a football team without a playbook. I don’t normally walk into situations thinking, I want to be authentic, creative, and forgiving toward myself. By actually writing down those values, I made them more real and an integral part of my overall goal. Similarly, documenting both my monkey mind-set and safety strategies and their expansive alternatives illuminated them in high relief, making the choices that awaited me clearly apparent. Anticipating my necessary feelings and committing them to paper helped prepare me for the job of welcoming and

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  uncomfortable sensations, like negative emotions, are necessary. The more we can welcome them, the more easily they will metabolize. When you make it clear to yourself that you are welcoming anxiety alarms, both with your intention and your breath, you are far less likely to be hijacked by them. Since you can’t grow without learning how to process fight-or-flight sensations, take charge by welcoming them! Opportunities to Practice Welcoming You won’t have to look too hard for situations that will trigger uncomfortable feelings. They will come looking for you. This is a good thing. These situations are opportunities because you need to master them in order to grow. The most obvious situations are the ones that you are most afraid of and have been avoiding. For Eric it was making decisions, confronting employees, or going to the gym. For Maria it was traveling any distance from a hospital, and for Samantha it was saying no to her son, or to anyone who might become upset with her. In later chapters I will be addressing how you can learn to welcome these high-stakes situations. For now, let’s focus on moderately uncomfortable situations that you can learn to welcome rather than resist, avoid, or distract yourself from. Here are a few unpleasant situations that you likely find yourself in on a regular basis: Sitting at a long red light Waiting in line Dealing with rude drivers Arriving late Doing a task you dislike Listening to someone complain to you Sitting in a boring meeting or class If the situations you encounter throughout your day don’t make you anxious or uncomfortable, you can always notch things up a bit by actually triggering your own negative feelings to welcome. You can get really creative with this. Here are a few suggestions: Listen to a political candidate you dislike Turn on some music that you find distasteful Watch a movie you know you won’t like Order food you have never tried and that doesn’t appeal Go someplace without your cell phone Wear something you don’t usually wear Read or listen to something that will make you sad Welcoming is more than an idea or an intention. It is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. You will find it very helpful to track your welcoming exercises, and for that I’ve provided a Welcoming Worksheet at http://www.newharbinger.com/35067. Take a few minutes each evening to update your worksheet with the situations you chose to practice welcoming that day. It might look something like this: Day of Week/Date Necessary Feeling I Am Provoking Length of Time Sensation Intensity (1–10) Emotion Level (1–10) Welcoming (1–10) Monday Frustration Waiting at a red light 30 sec.444 Tuesday Boredom, irritation Sitting in a boring meeting 1 hour676

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  won’t lose the connection, you are performing a safety strategy. You are attempting to neutralize the negative emotion that would accompany the risk of displeasing others, which is a primordial threat to the monkey mind. This “need to please” can also manifest in parents who can’t set limits for their children, or who try to protect them from any pain or hardship by trying to pave the way for them. Offering unsolicited advice, probing for personal information, and constantly checking in can feel intrusive to children. And needing to please your parents can put you in the wrong church, sports program, or college, or keep you in your hometown. These behaviors have the outward appearance of demonstrating loyalty, but when they get in the way of being honest and authentic they are safety strategies to keep us from feeling disconnected and out of the loop. As you examine your association with others, a good question to ask is, Am I taking care of myself in this transaction? If the answer is no, or if you’re not sure, there is a good possibility you are trying to please. What would happen if you did take care of yourself? If the answer scares you, you’ve found the monkey you’ve been feeding. While this safety strategy keeps you temporarily free of anxiety, it is not sustainable. More anxiety, and less personal health and peace, lie ahead. Common Safety Strategies Here’s a list of some common safety strategies. I’ve labeled each with a code for the monkey mind-set they are associated with. IOU = Intolerance of Uncertainty P = Perfectionism OR = Over-responsibility You will notice that some are very obviously something you would want to change, while others appear perfectly reasonable and normal. Remember, what makes a “normal” behavior a safety strategy is that it 1) only gives temporary relief of anxiety and needs to be repeated, and 2) takes us away from what we value and where we want to go. As you read through these safety strategies, which do you recognize as yours? You can download a - complete list of safety strategies at http://www.newharbinger.com/35067.

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  that you did not forget to bring something or do something like lock a door or turn off the stove, that sensations you are having are not dangerous Values: Presence, Fun/Pleasure, Resilience, Courage Monkey Mind-set I must be certain that people are safe. I must be sure that I didn’t forget anything. I must be certain that I have enough money. I must be certain a sensation isn’t a symptom. Expansive Mind-set Assume safety unless there is evidence of danger. Forgetting things builds flexibility and resilience. Once I invest wisely, the market is beyond my control. Being uncertain doesn’t equal being sick. Safety Strategies Call and check on people or get them to call me. Check numerous times to make sure. Monitor accounts and investments closely. Look up symptoms online; see doctors. Expansive Strategies Reduce or stop checking in with people. Check once and then walk away. Allow myself to check finances once per week. Allow myself to check symptoms once per week. Necessary Feelings: Doubt and anxiety Opportunity: Overplanning and excessive list making Values: Flexibility, Fun, Resilience, Presence Monkey Mind-set To feel okay, everything must go as planned. If I forget something it will be terrible. I must be prepared for and prevent bad outcomes. Expansive Mind-set I am cultivating flexibility. Forgetting something is an opportunity to develop resilience. I cannot make life 100% safe and trying to do so keeps me from being present in the moment. Safety Strategies Spend excessive time planning things. Always plan everything myself. Control others so things go according to plan. Write everything down. Make mental lists. Review future plans. Worry: try to anticipate, fix, and problem solve. Expansive Strategies Restrict time allowed to plan something. Allow others to plan things. Don’t remind or correct people. Go without lists for a day. Remind myself that I am seeking uncertainty. Say, “Thank you monkey” and schedule Worry Time. Necessary Feelings: Anxiety, frustration, anger, irritation, and shame (believing you did something wrong when things don’t go as planned) Letting Go of Over-responsibility For those of us with the mind-set that we are responsible for the health and happiness of everyone we love, some values you will be cultivating are health and autonomy, pertaining to taking care of yourself, trust in others to be responsible for themselves and learn from their own mistakes, and honesty, respect, and compassion toward both yourself and others. A mind-set of letting go of over-responsibility will be characterized by these beliefs: People are responsible for their own lives and choices they make. Consequences of their actions are not my fault.

• From Bold Move

  It’s a wonderful tool—that is, if all goes smoothly. However, a few weeks after moving to the suburbs, I found myself at a crossroads—literally and figuratively. I was at a major intersection, on my way to Boston for a meeting. I was running late, so I was already a little edgy. The GPS informed me that there was a major accident on I-90 East heading into the city, so it sent me on a detour. As I sat at the traffic light, I noticed a line of cars behind me—I guess their GPSs had recalibrated too—and it was starting to become clear that this route was going to have a lot of traffic as well. As I anxiously waited for the light to turn green, my GPS suddenly went offline! All I was left with was the dread in my stomach and the blank screen’s useless message: “Recalculating . . . recalculating . . . recalculating.” By then, my heart was pounding and my thoughts racing: I knew I only had a minute or so to decide which direction to go before the light turned green. The problem was, I had not been paying attention—only blindly following my GPS—so I had no clue which direction Boston was. Left? Right? Straight? I honestly didn’t know what to do. In the seconds that passed, my brain just froze. Finally, I made a quick mental calculation: the GPS has to come back online eventually (even though the screen was frozen), so perhaps I could just stay put for a bit. Sure, I would be holding up traffic, but this would just take a second , I told myself. How bad could it be to hold up a line of cars during rush hour? Although I was trying to calm myself down, my anxiety just continued to going up. With the seconds ticking by, I had only one wish: I wished that I had a compass with me. (There was actually one on my iPhone all along but it turns out I was the last person on the planet to find out about this.) You might be wondering why I’m talking about compasses. But I think the compass is one of the boldest devices known to mankind. But before I make my pitch, let me briefly highlight the core difference between a GPS and a compass, and why I wished I had a compass that day instead. The Perils of Using a GPSIn addition to the kind of predicament I just described, GPS can also lead you astray if you accidentally enter an address in the wrong town.

• From Bold Move

  We end up limiting our ability to see the world clearly because our brain is using outdated software. Sure, we get to remain comfortable enough, but we are far from thriving. It’s sort of like using the very first version of Google Maps. Yes, it’ll still function, but as new roads and highways are built, using this outdated map with its limited functionality might cause some issues for you. The Pas de Deux of Cognitive Dissonance and Confirmation BiasNow you have answers to two of the main questions my clients ask me when it comes to avoiding by retreating. First, How is my thinking getting me stuck? And the answer is: when two things don’t match, the brain malfunctions! Often people first feel the dissonance in their bodies, maybe a sensation in the pit of their stomachs, and then their brains go off on a scavenger hunt for any information to make sense of the world. Second, they ask, Why do I keep saying things to myself that hurt me and make me avoid? Well, because our brain hates dissonance, it avoids by going into overdrive with confirmation bias about what we already think we know about ourselves and the world. And this is the conundrum of the pas de deux that goes on between cognitive dissonance and confirmation bias. When two things don’t compute, we confirm what we already believe, including our fears about the future—which can be very painful. Renowned Wharton professor Adam Grant described this conundrum in his book Think Again : The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know .9 Grant writes, “Our convictions can lock us in prisons of our own making.” He’s right. Our own beliefs can lock us into a world of stress, burnout, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness. But Grant also goes on to say, “The solution is not to decelerate our thinking—it is to accelerate our rethinking.” To accelerate our rethinking —to overcome our avoidance and get unstuck—we must take on dissonance, dance with it, play with it, hurt with it, and in the end change our beliefs and create cognitive flexibility. Let’s learn how in the next chapter: it is time to learn how to Shift. Chapter FiveShifting to Overcome AvoidanceOur brains are predictive machines that are as amazing in their potential as they are in their ability to cause us pain. Although our brains are only doing their evolutionary jobs, sometimes we end up with outdated lenses that no longer allow us to make accurate predictions about the world. These lenses come in the form of our outdated views of ourselves, others, and the world around us. To maximize our amazing predictive machine, it is imperative that we constantly update the lenses. Of course, none of us have twenty-twenty vision when it comes to our perceptions and beliefs about the world. But the aim here is to improve our vision, not to make it perfect. To do so is to Shift .

• From Bold Move

  Before she can even finish her argument, I immediately go on the defensive: fighting back to end this excruciating discomfort. I launch into an impassioned explanation! At once! In other words, I’m reacting in response to someone telling me about my reacting! Oh, so you think my emails feel too direct? Well, let me show you how not reactive I am by responding in a highly reactive manner! Of course I didn’t know at the time that I was putting my avoidance method into high gear, because I was too busy ranting and raving: “I just wanted to be clear that it is not okay to use my materials and adapt them. Who does he think he is?” I can barely hear myself over the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. She gives me one of her kind, matronly looks and says: “Luana, I totally get it. You’re amazing at what you do, and I know that at times this person has not been fair with you. But between you and me, sometimes you can be a bit . . . impulsive. Too quick to act.” She continues, “It’s just not necessary to be responding to emails at 11 p.m. And in some cases, it might be getting in the way of your own success.” I feel myself turning pugnacious for the nth time in this conversation as I hold back hot tears. Susan remains calm and poised, notices my obvious discomfort, and assures me that this is not that big of a deal but that she just wanted me to “give it some thought.” As soon as she finishes speaking, I immediately feel some mild relief that this conversation is over. I’m sure my subconscious was telling me, “See? Fighting back always works! When in doubt, put ’em up!” As I leave her office, I’m left wondering about the things she said. Am I really impulsive when it comes to emailing? Does she have a point? Do I react and respond quickly to avoid my anxiety? I was not sure but also could not dismiss what Susan was saying. I mean, Sure, I reply quickly , I remember thinking as I wandered back to my office in a daze. But that’s only to prove to others how competent I am! Am I supposed to let the emails just sit there? The thought of all those work emails just piling up makes me bonkers! If I get them out of the way, I don’t have to feel like I’m sleeping on the job. If caring is a crime, Your Honor, then I’m guilty as charged.

• From Bold Move

  If you guessed “I am worthless,” you are correct. In moments that we are really upset, if we spend time writing down our thoughts, one after the other, without stopping ourselves, we often can go from our more automatic thoughts (e.g., cognitive distortions) to our deeper core beliefs. I had to use this technique myself to be able to identify which core belief was getting me stuck while writing this chapter. Am I Really Too Busy to Write?As I sat down to write this chapter this morning, my brain just blanked. I stared at the computer screen, and nothing would come out. Thoughts swirled through my mind: What do I have to say to the world? Who cares what I think? Is anyone going to even read this? As a newish author, these thoughts hit a little too close. The resulting wave of anxiety was so overwhelming that I leaped out of my chair and made a cup of tea to try to calm myself down. And when you’re a tea hoarder, selecting just the right tea becomes an epic decision in and of itself. A great way to avoid and procrastinate at the same time! After my cup of tea, I decided that I absolutely needed to check my email. Not because I was avoiding or anything (wink, wink), but because, Hey, I’m an author! What if my editor sent me an important email with, like, edit-y stuff? Of course, this totally disregarded my earlier promise to not check emails until I had written at least one page, but my brain wouldn’t quit! What if there’s a book emergency email waiting for me?! Must . . . check . . . email. So, I checked my mostly empty inbox and felt slightly better as my anxiety level dropped a little. Hey, avoidance rocks! Then I was back to writing for a minute, aka staring at the computer screen, motionless . . . You’re a hack! You’re not even typing! The anxiety spiked again. Quick! Avoid! Hey, maybe you’re just hungry? Maybe some toast would get the writing fingers going. Mm. Toast. Mother Nature’s salve! I finally made my way back to my office, and as I glanced at the clock I realized: Holy crap! I only have thirty minutes left in my morning schedule to write! Ah! More anxiety! More negative self-talk! More freaking out! Finally, the irony struck me. Here I was, writing about how uncomfortable thoughts can lead us to avoid things, while failing to realize that I was doing exactly that! (No offense, toast.) So, I did what I would encourage any of my clients to do: I wrote down my thoughts as they appeared, to get to the core of the issue, and here’s what my brain was saying: I am tired, my brain is not working today, I won’t be able to write.

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  whose thinking is done under the influence of evolution- ary science. Such will take little interest in the discus- sion of this chapter. But there are many conservative minds who can not recast their thought in wholly new moulds; the story of the fall is a serious religious and intellectual burden to some of them. The more theology bases all its reasoning on the doctrine of the fall, the greater is the collapse and mental distress when a man comes to realize that the biblical story of the fall will not bear the tremendous weight which the theological sys- tem of the past has put upon it. For such the attitude suggested in this chapter seems to offer a way which is satisfying to both the religious and the scientific con- science. They can not be going far wrong if they take the attitude taken by the Hebrew prophets and by Jesus himself, concentrating their energies on the present and active sources of evil and leaving the question of the first origin of evil to God. On that basis it is possible to preach both an individualistic and a social gospel with full effectiveness. CHAPTER VI THE NATURE OF SIN It is not easy to define sin, for sin is as elastic and complicated as life itself. Its quality, degree, and culpa-^ bility vary according to the moral intelligence and ma- turity of the individual, according to his social free- dom, and his power over others. Theologians have erred, it seem? to me, by fitting their definitions to the most highly developed forms of sin and then spreading them over germinal and semi-sinful actions and con- ditions. We are equipped with powerful appetites. We are often placed in difficult situations, which constitute over- whelming temptations. We are all relatively ignorant, and while we experiment with life, we go astray. Some of our instincts may become rampant and overgrown, and then trample on our inward freedom. We are gifted with high ideals, with a wonderful range of pos- sibilities, with aspiration and longing, and also weighted with inertia and moral incapacity to achieve. We are keenly alive to the call of the senses and the pleasures of the moment, and only dimly and occasionally con- scious of our own higher destiny, of the mystic value of personality in others, and of God. This sensual equipment, this ignorance and inertia, out of which our moral delinquencies sprout, are part 45 46 A THEOLOGY FOR THE SOCIAL GOSPEL of our human nature. We did not order it so. Instead of increasing our guilt, our make-up seems to entitle us to the forbearing judgment of every onlooker, especially God. Yet no doubt we are involved in objective wrong and evil; we frustrate our possibilities; we injure others; we disturb the divine harmonies. We are unfree, un- happy, conscious of a burden which we are unable to lift or escape.

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  If your family is going hang gliding, of course it’s reasonable to check on them, but if you notice that your texts and calls have increased in frequency and that without them you get very anxious, an expansive strategy such as limiting the number and times you can check may serve you. Whether you are over-checking your own safety status like Maria, or the safety status of others, simply reverse the monkey mind-set. Tolerate uncertainty and assume safety unless there is clear evidence of danger. Eventually, after much practice this will allow you to feel more comfortable, even when you’re not sure what will happen. Do you attempt to control outcomes by being overly cautious and prepared? Funny how that approach still makes us feel anxious. That’s because it feeds the monkey. Turn the strategy on its head and plan to be flexible, taking minimal precautions. For example, when you go on your next trip, whether it is a picnic at a park or a vacation to another country, underplan and under-pack. Choose to deal with any adversity that may crop up as an opportunity to practice resilience and creative problem solving. Your new expansive mind-set will sound something like, I choose not to plan every detail. I choose to not know how everything will turn out. I choose uncertainty and spontaneity. Here are some examples of I must be certain mind-sets and some alternative expansive beliefs to counter them. Monkey Mind-set: What I don’t know could kill me. I must predict and plan for what might go wrong. Expansive Mind-set: It is more important to live life fully in the present moment than to spend time predicting what might go wrong in the future. Monkey Mind-set: I must be certain that I and others I care about are safe. Expansive Mind-set: I will assume safety unless there is clear evidence of danger. Monkey Mind-set: If things don’t go as planned, my day is ruined. Expansive Mind-set: It is more important to practice flexibility and learn to cope when things do not go as planned.

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  live by them, the more anxious we will be, and the less likely we will be to take the risks that are necessary to take in order to live freely and follow our dreams. That morning in the backyard, I stopped and took a look at myself. To write this book is my heart’s desire, I thought. Why am I holding a pooper scooper instead? The monkey mind-set seldom takes us anywhere we want to go. In fact, it almost always holds us back from what we long for in life. You will recognize at least one, if not all three of these assumptions, as a central pillar of your own belief system. The first is particularly widespread. In fact, you can’t be anxious without it! Intolerance of Uncertainty The ability to plan for the future—to anticipate problems and opportunities —is one of the most important, if not the most important, adaptations of our Homo sapiens brains. Whether the issue is our health, our finances, or our family, we like to know what lies ahead. What if I get sick? Will the market crash? Will my loved ones arrive safely? These are our constant concerns, and we plan with them in mind. But when does reasonable planning turn into worry and obsession? Your monkey’s central mission—keeping you alive and safe within your tribe—is best accomplished by eliminating all uncertainty. The monkey motto is What you don’t know might kill you. From its perspective, the only time it’s safe for you to relax is when you can anticipate and control every outcome. Be certain or die!

• From Bold Move

  For example, if you see a random child crying, you will do something to soothe that child. If you walk into a meeting late and your office bestie passes you a wide-eyed glance of warning, you might proceed with caution and do your best to sneak a seat without catching your boss’s eye. If you are interrupted by loud knocking at your door and indistinguishable yelling indicative of anger, you may think twice about answering. These are only a few examples of the nearly countless tidbits of information that emotions can carry, but let’s now return to the maxim that emotions are valid but are not facts. While experiencing strong emotions is part of being human—and even if they carry some valuable information—they usually don’t carry all the information. For example, if we see someone rush into the room wide-eyed and panting, our heart might quicken and muscles tighten out of fear before we know whether the person is running from something scary, excited to share good news, or merely tired from finishing a four-mile run. So, while it makes sense that we should try to use our thinking brain whenever possible, that is not always how we respond to life, especially when we experience strong emotions. Emotions themselves are not good or bad; problems arise when we choose our actions based only on emotions as a means of avoiding experiencing discomfort. F*ck Your GoalsEmotions (although very helpful and necessary) can certainly prevent us from living our best life, but they are not the only reason we end up disregarding our values. Clinically, one of the reasons I see most people being stuck is the confusion between values and goals. Goals are what we plan to do, while values are intrinsic motivators that guide our actions. Many cultures throughout the world value goal achievement,4 and we often teach our kids to pursue goals—get onto the soccer team, study hard to get into a great college, work overtime to get a raise—but many times these goals are not anchored on personal values. For example, I told myself that I was driven by ambition, but I was actually living a life focused on only my next goal. For a while, this worked out for me. But the reality is, it eventually got me stuck pursuing goals, one after the other, while ignoring the emotional cost. My experience paying the price of blindly following goals is well supported by research.

• From Bold Move

  However, this time I have a book deadline, so I can’t do any of the usual things I do. David, on the other hand, tends to be calmer about these scenarios and he usually doesn’t fuss. Yet this time, he’s on the move, doing a ton. In the past few days alone, he has painted the deck railing, replaced electrical outlets, bought new covers for our bedroom set, re-arranged the garage, and on and on. At first, I was impressed by this magnificent display of domestic productivity, but last night at dinner I began to detect a hint of reactive avoidance, or “productive procrastination.” David is a professor at Boston University and his academic semester is about to start in three weeks, which means he needs to be prepping for his fall classes. So, at dinner last night I asked the question that had been burning in my brain: “How is the fall prepping coming along?” Now to be fair to David, he is married to “the avoidance guru,” so he sheepishly smiled, took a sip of wine, and told me flat out: “Yes, I’m avoiding it, but isn’t it nice how much I got done around the house?” We both laughed. It was nice, but I also know that he will be paying a price when our guests arrive. Eventually, he will have to prepare for the semester, and he’ll be upset if he’s stuck doing that instead of enjoying our family gathering. And so, he promised me (and himself) that he would tackle his avoidance ASAP. (As I write this, I can see him teaching Diego to play basketball outside: adorable, yes, but not really helping his upcoming semester. Avoidance strikes again!) But I don’t want to give the wrong idea: productive procrastination is not always a form of reactive avoidance. For it to qualify as such, it must be associated with a cost. For instance, my friend Janaina is the type of person who always has a long to-do list, but she somehow gets everything done and is not anxious about it. For Janaina, this is just how she lives her life. So, if that is you, no worries. What is avoidance for me might not be for you and vice versa. The Thief of JoyHave you ever been scrolling through Instagram, Twitter, or another onerous social platform when all of a sudden you bump up against something that is completely opposite from your worldview and it presses your buttons? Take your pick: vaccines, political affiliations, abortion, the latest celebrity scandal. The minute we bump up against something that is oppositional to our views, we feel cognitive dissonance. And guess what: our brains sense danger. And what do we do in those situations?

• From Don't Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of Anxiety, Fear, and Worry (2017)

  First, we overestimate the threat. What are the actual odds of another homicidal truck appearing the moment you step into the street today? The chance is practically nil, but you’re trusting a wild guess of the monkey: Woo-woo-woo! Looks likely to me! The second mistake is that we underestimate our ability to cope with both the negative emotions in the monkey’s alarm, and with the threat should it actually occur. Whether we’re crossing the street or climbing a ladder, accidents happen. When you attempt any task, you can fail. When you open your mouth to speak you may offend someone. But life doesn’t stop when threats manifest as reality. We cope. We recover. We can learn from our mistakes and move on. Nor should life stop when we’re feeling the negative emotions and sensations of the monkey’s alarms. But many of us have our lives on hold. The ambient background of anxiety keeps us paralyzed, unable to follow our dreams. We spend our days —and for some of us, nights—reviewing the past for errors and looking into the future to prevent making more. We debate decisions we’ve already made, recycle old concerns, indulge endless regrets, obsess over things we can’t control. It’s all in response to a constant stream of negative feelings and monkey chatter. Woo-woo-woo! Something is wrong. Do something! We try to manage things. We check our smartphones or turn on the TV. We pour ourselves a drink, we get a snack, we go shopping. We triple-check the report for errors. We say yes to things when we want to say no. We look up symptoms on the Internet to reassure ourselves the mole is not cancerous. These distractions and strategies offer only short-term relief. The monkey mind is always on the job, hypervigilant, waiting for an opening. If you’ve ever tried meditating, and given up in frustration, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The moment your focus wavers, the monkey elbows in with something compelling to feel anxious about and occupy your mind. When it comes to the monkey mind, the cliché resistance is futile is actually true. The monkey mind is an ancient brain-within-a-brain—simple, focused, and hardwired to be autonomous, beyond our direct control. The monkey is always there, even when you most want to enjoy the moment without it—when you’re alone just trying to relax, when you’re in your lover’s arms, when you are trying to pursue your dreams.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  Or would she - and this thought was a dreadful one - would she think her pretty, and like her more than me? Would she wish it had been Alice in the box for her to throw that rose to, and invite backstage, and call a mermaid ... ?Waiting for her that afternoon I was by turns anxious, gay and sullen - now fussing over the setting of the tea-table, now snapping at Davy and grumbling at Rhoda, now earning scolds from everyone for fretting and complaining, and generally turning what should have been a glad day for myself into a gloomy one, for us all. I had washed my hair and it had dried peculiarly; I had added a new frill to my best dress, but had sewn it crooked and it wouldn’t lie flat. I stood at the top of the stairs, sweating over the silk with a safety-pin, ready to weep because Kitty’s train was due and I must run to meet her, when Tony emerged from our little kitchen, carrying bottles of Bass for the tea-table. He stood and watched me fumbling. I said, ‘Go away’, but he only looked smug.‘You won’t want to hear my bit of news, then.’‘What news?’ The frill was flat at last. I reached for my hat on the peg on the wall. Tony smirked and said nothing. I stamped my foot. ‘Tony, what is it? I’m late and you’re making me later.’‘Well then, nothing at all, I expect. I dare say Miss Butler will tell you herself ...’‘Tell me what?’ Now I stood with my hat in one hand, a hat-pin in the other. ‘Tell me what, Tony?’He glanced over his shoulder and lowered his voice. ‘Now, don’t let on about it yet, for it ain’t been properly settled. But your pal - Kitty - she’s due to leave the Palace, ain’t she, in a week or so?’ I nodded. ‘Well, she won’t be going - not for a good while, anyway. Uncle has offered her a sparkling new contract, till the New Year - said she was too good to lose to Broadstairs.’The New Year!

• From Bold Move

  We act to eliminate the perceived threat by doing whatever we can to feel better fast. From an emotional standpoint, the explosion immediately—yet temporarily—relieves some of the pressure, but afterward we are always left with an even bigger mess to clean up and plenty of hurt feelings to go along with it. Blowing off steam feels helpful in the moment, but it can turn into a continual reactive avoidance pattern, which ultimately robs us of a bold life. Reactive Avoidance: My Many FacesReactive avoidance has many forms, some harder to detect than others. But I will confess, I know this one well because reactive avoidance is the go-to tactic I have employed my entire life to avoid discomfort. I fight back to feel better. I mean, sure, putting on a conservative pantsuit might not seem like your idea of a fight, but there’s a defiance contained within this action that is, deep down, my version of flipping the bird. I will also react with an email (I know, I’m a true Hell’s Angel over here). Case in point: About a year ago, my mentor at MGH, a remarkably kind woman named Susan, sat me down and said, “Can we talk about your emails? Specifically, when you’re stressed?” I could see in Susan’s face that she was struggling to be constructive, despite the awkward nature of the conversation. I remember the spike in my anxiety, as I waited for her to tell me something awful. Oh my God, the only person who has my back is about to fire my ass! The traitor! As these premature thoughts were rushing through my head, I tried to plaster a fake (and probably deranged-looking) smile on my face. Susan continued, “Luana, you are one of the most productive people I know. You’re brilliant, caring, and you know I love working with you.” My heart pounded while I waited for her to say “. . . and yet, I’m tossing you out on the street like a piece of garbage.” But the axe didn’t drop. Instead, she proceeded to tell me that she had noticed I might be my own worst enemy. “I’ve noticed that you seem to respond to emails late at night. Like, very late at night. With urgency. And ferocity. And an almost inappropriate directness. For example, last night you responded to Joe, who had requested to use some of your training material. You didn’t only say no; you wrote out a whole laundry list of reasons why there was a problem with his request. I know there is a lot of history there in your relationship with Joe, but was that response at 11 p.m. really needed? And did you really have to wash your dirty laundry in front of so many powerful people who were also cc’d on the email?”

• From Bold Move

  If you’re wondering whether your specific situation and behavior constitute psychological avoidance, I would encourage you to refer back to the diagram shared here . When We Dance with the Devil We Know, We Are Still Dancing with the DevilWhen we live our lives focused on only one goal, without checking in on how it is serving us, we risk turning our lives into an endless cycle of stress and burnout, just like you saw in my life during my time on the academic hamster wheel. Despite the fact that the trajectory I was on no longer fit my desires for my life, I kept going. So, going back to the old saying, I think it is a lot safer to face the devil you know because there is some degree of certainty in fighting a known evil. So, in the day to day, when we are dancing with the known devil, it might be hard, but we know how to act and what to expect. Yet, it’s still the devil. And the minute that devil becomes a collaborator in keeping you stuck, you will start to see negative long-term consequences. I had to nearly have a stroke to wake up and call the devil by his other name: avoidance . Overworking despite the price tag is only one way we end up remaining as avoidance. Sometimes we get stuck because our values collide. Ricardo cared about his family but often failed to show up for them, usually because he was focusing on work. Or maybe you’re like me and put family first but to the detriment of your own health. If remaining to avoid ends up hurting us more in the long term, why do we keep doing it? Let’s dive into the science behind this flavor of avoidance in the next chapter. Chapter TenBut Why Do I Stay?If we have an internal compass—our values—why don’t we use it instead of avoiding? It seems logical that we would navigate the world and make decisions based on what matters most to us. However, we sometimes get stuck in our old habits to avoid the possibility of discomfort. Based on my experience working with hundreds of clients around the world, there are three common substitute guides we rely on instead: emotions, goals, and other people. To understand how these problematic guides end up leading us through life, let me start by telling you a short personal story. When I first came to the United States, I found it particularly challenging to understand what people meant when they would ask me “What are you thinking?” whenever I would get quiet during a conversation. The idea of focusing on what I was saying to myself, not on how I felt , seemed strange to me.