Tenderness

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Fermata (1994)

  Just as I resumed time after turning the Butterfly up almost to full, she noticed me looking at her, and our eyes caught and laser-locked; I tried to tell her with my look that I understood how good it felt, though she was doing a tremendous job of suppressing it, and that I was the only one in the train who could see what she was going through, and that I was very moved to be able to witness it and would make no sign to anyone else of what she was letting me see. I nodded, closing my eyes, and looked at her again: giving the nod to her approaching clasm. She looked away, up at the ads for temporary agencies over the windows, and then she looked back at me, and I watched her put her lower teeth over her upper teeth, her eyes getting bigger and browner and fuller—and (I am almost sure) she came. Then she took a deep breath and gathered her hair in an O made of her forefinger and released it and reached down again tentatively to her legs, so that I had to fermate quickly and remove the Butterfly from her and wipe it off (using several Wet Ones) and put it back in the case so that it looked unused. I put it in a blank manila envelope. Time rolling, I smiled at her again, in a wowed, foolish sort of way, and she smiled uncertainly back, not quite sure how to explain to herself what had just happened. At the Chestnut Hill stop she stood and passed where I was sitting. I said, “Excuse me?” and handed her the vibrating Butterfly in its envelope and then touched my fingers to my lips.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  We were both hopelessly improvident in money matters, yet somehow we managed better together than apart. At night, walking back late from the night-club, she would pause in the alley outside the house and if she saw my light still burning give a low whistle and I, hearing the signal, would put down the book I was reading and creep quietly down the staircase, seeing in my mind’s eye her lips pursed about that low liquid sound, as if to take the soft imprint of a brush. At the time of which I write she was still being followed about and importuned by the old man or his agents. Without exchanging a word we would join hands and hurry down the maze of alleys by the Polish Consulate, pausing from time to time in a dark doorway to see if there was anyone on our trail. At last, far down where the shops tailed away into the blue we would step out into the sea-gleaming milk-white Alexandrian midnight — our preoccupations sliding from us in that fine warm air; and we would walk towards the morning star which lay throbbing above the dark velvet breast of Montaza, touched by the wind and the waves. In these days Melissa’s absorbed and provoking gentleness had all the qualities of a rediscovered youth. Her long uncertain fingers — I used to feel them moving over my face when she thought I slept, as if to memorize the happiness we had shared. In her there was a pliancy, a resilience which was Oriental — a passion to serve. My shabby clothes — the way she picked up a dirty shirt seemed to engulf it with an overflowing solicitude; in the morning I found my razor beautifully cleaned and even the toothpaste laid upon the brush in readiness. Her care for me was a goad, provoking me to give my life some sort of shape and style that might match the simplicity of hers. Of her experiences in love she would never speak, turning from them with a weariness and distaste which suggested that they had been born of necessity rather than desire. She paid me the compliment of saying: ‘For the first time I am not afraid to be light-headed or foolish with a man.’

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  206 A THEOLOGY FOR THESOCIAL GOSPEL searching ofheart and reconciliation, so that all might be onein Christ. As in the upper room at Jerusalem, they acted in full view of death, and their main thought was to gain strength for imprisonment and torture by once more touching the garment-hem of their Lord. They often dwelt on the fact that many grains of wheat had been crushed and had feltthe heat ofthe oven to make this bread, and many berries of the vine had been pressed inthe wine-press to makethis wine ; in the same way the followers of Jesus must pass through affliction and persecution in order to form the body ofthe Lord. Thus these poor proletarians, hunted by the tyrannical combinations of Church and State, Catholic and Prot- estant alike, returned tothe original spirit of the Lord's Meal and realized that Real Presence about which others wrangled. Can the social gospel contribute to make the Lord's Supper more fully an act of fraternity and toconnect it again with the social hope of the Kingdom of God? Inthe Lord's Supper we re-affirm our supreme alle- giance to our Lord who taught us to know God as our common father andto realize that all men areour brethren. In the midst of a world fullof divisive sel- fishness we thereby accept brotherhood asthe ruling principle of our life and undertake to put it into practice in our private and public activities. We abjure the selfish use of power and wealth for the exploitation of ourfellows. We dedicate our lives to establishing the Kingdom of God and to winning mankind to its laws. In contemplation of thedeath of ourLord we accept BAPTISMANDTHELORD'SSUPPER 2OJ the possibility of risk andlossasourshare of service. We link ourselvestohis death and accept the obliga- tion of the cross. It is open to any minister to emphasizethoughts such as these, connecting the Lord's Supper with the King- domofGod. Allwho have the new social conscious- nesswould feel their appeal.Any person encountering antagonism or loss for the sake ofthe Kingdom would find comfortand strength in connecting his troubleswith the cross of Christ. The Lord's Supper wasinstituted by Jesus in full view of his death. Wecan fully share his spiritonly whenwe too confront the possibility of suffering in the same cause. The emphasis onsuch thoughts wouldbe the reaction of thesocial gospel onthe religious and theological con- tent of theLord's Supper. They would be a challenge tothe Church to realize its mission as the social embodi- ment of the Christ-spirit in humanity. They would constitute a spiritualpreparation for the actual experi- ence of theReal PresencethatPresencewhich re- quires a social group of two or three becauselove and the sense of solidarity are necessary to enablehim to be in the midst of us.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  It was through Nessim that I first began to move with any freedom in the great cobweb of Alexandrian society; my own exiguous earnings did not even permit me to visit the night-club where Melissa danced. At first I was a trifle ashamed of being forever on the receiving end of Nessim’s hospitality, but we were soon such fast friends that I went everywhere with them and never gave the matter a thought. Melissa unearthed an ancient dinner-jacket from one of my trunks and refurbished it. It was in their company that I first visited the club where she danced. It was strange to sit between Justine and Nessim and watch the flaky white light suddenly blaze down upon a Melissa I could no longer recognize under a layer of paint which gave her gentle face an air of gross and precocious unimaginativeness. I was horrified too at the banality of her dancing, which was bad beyond measure; yet watching her make those gentle and ineffectual movements of her slim hands and feet (the air of a gazelle harnessed to a water-wheel) I was filled with tenderness at her mediocrity, at the dazed and self-deprecating way she bowed to the lukewarm applause. Afterwards she was made to carry a tray round and take up a collection for the orchestra, and this she did with a hopeless timidity, coming to the table where I sat with lowered eyes under those ghastly false lashes, and with trembling hands. My friends did not know at that time of our relationship; but I noticed Justine’s curious and mocking glance as I turned out my pockets and found a few notes to thrust into the tray with hands that shook not less than Melissa’s — so keenly did I feel her embarrassment. Afterwards when I got back to the flat a little tipsy and exhilarated from dancing with Justine I found her still awake, boiling a kettle of water over the electric ring: ‘Oh, why’ she said ‘did you put all that money into the collecting tray? A whole week’s wages: are you mad? What will we eat tomorrow?’

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  2O2 A THEOLOGY FOR THE SOCIAL GOSPEL holy feelings of friendship which make the disappoint- ment of Jesus inthe garden so pathetic. It isa ques- tion whether Jesus' thought ran beyond the group of his friends when he asked for a repetition of the meal; it seems at least very unlikely that he purposed acult act such as actually developed. His purpose was to create an act of loyalty which would serve to keep memory and fidelity alive untilhe should return and eatand drink with them again in the Kingdom of God. Jesus had created a wonderful social group. He wanted itto hold together. The Lord's Supper came into existence through strong religious and social feeling and its pur- pose was the maintenance of the highest loyalty. In the primitive Church the memorial act was part of a fraternal meal inwhich the Christian group met in re- ligious privacy to express its peculiar unity and coher- ence. Such communistic meals, to which every member contributed his portion of food, were quite common among the religious and fraternal societies ofthe time. Communistic meals produce solidaristic feelings even today. Paul was not a marked exponent of democratic emotions, but he was deeply shocked when he learned that the social character of the common meal atCorinth had been debased by the intrusion of theclass divisions of the outside world. The welltodo gathered in cote- riesto eat their plentiful supplies, while the poor sat neg- lected and ashamed. His feeling testifies tothe social beauty and power which the Lord's Supper then pos- sessed. (I Cor. xi, 17-340 There canbe no doubt thatthe Lord's Supper has always had a powerful influence in consolidating thefra-

• From A Theology for the Social Gospel (1918)

  For a time the great act of fraternal love became the object of bitter controversial feelings between Catholic and Protestant, and between Lutheran and Calvinist, and exercised a very unsocial and divisive influence. While the great churches were bitterly contending over the question whether their Lord was physically or spiritually present, and if physically, whether by tran- substantiation or consubstantiation, the persecuted Ana- baptists, who had neither the right to meet nor to exist, had the spirit of the original institution among them. As in the primitive Church, their service was preceded by 206 A THEOLOGY FOR THE SOCIAL GOSPEL searching of heart and reconciliation, so that all might be one in Christ. As in the upper room at Jerusalem, they acted in full view of death, and their main thought was to gain strength for imprisonment and torture by once more touching the garment-hem of their Lord. They often dwelt on the fact that many grains of wheat had been crushed and had felt the heat of the oven to make this bread, and many berries of the vine had been pressed in the wine-press to make this wine ; in the same way the followers of Jesus must pass through affliction and persecution in order to form the body of the Lord. Thus these poor proletarians, hunted by the tyrannical combinations of Church and State, Catholic and Prot- estant alike, returned to the original spirit of the Lord’s Meal and realized that Real Presence about which others wrangled. Can the social gospel contribute to make the Lord's Supper more fully an act of fraternity and to connect it again with the social hope of the Kingdom of God ? In the Lord's Supper we re-affirm our supreme alle- giance to our Lord who taught us to know God as our common father and to realize that all men are our brethren. In the midst of a world full of divisive sel- fishness we thereby accept brotherhood as the ruling principle of our life and undertake to put it into practice in our private and public activities. We abjure the selfish use of power and wealth for the exploitation of our fellows. We dedicate our lives to establishing the Kingdom of God and to winning mankind to its laws. In contemplation of the death of our Lord we accept BAPTISM AND THE LORD’S SUPPER 207 the possibility of risk and loss as our share of service. We link ourselves to his death and accept the obliga- tion of the cross.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  [image file=image_rsrc3D3.jpg] Intimate strokingLie side by side, synchronize your breath, and look into each other’s eyes. Start stroking each other using gentle, light movements, alternating between a circling action and up-and-down motions. Stroke each other’s arms and shoulders, then stroke the neck and back, and finally the thighs and legs, but avoid the breasts and genitals. The goal is to heighten your awareness of each other’s bodies beyond the obvious sexual hot spots. [image file=image_rsrc3D4.jpg] Yab yumThis is the classic lovemaking position in Tantric sex; it allows you both to align your chakras (the wheels of spinning energy running down the center of the body). Sit cross-legged and wrap your legs around your partner. While making love in any position, try implementing a brief period of non-demand intercourse. This is when you stop for 10 seconds while he is inside you. Practice your breathing and let the sexual momentum and excitement heighten to a new level. After this type of delay, orgasms can be especially powerful. [image file=image_rsrc3D5.jpg] Feel connectedMaintaining eye contact is an important way to feel deeply connected to each other during Tantric sex. By holding each other’s gaze, you prevent your mind from wandering, and you make sex a mutual meditative act. [image file=image_rsrc3D6.jpg] Female energyOur sexual energy can raise us to a higher level of consciousness, and bring couples closer to the power of a divine source. Many couples find that they enter a heightened state of intimacy with each other and sex becomes imbued with rich emotions and intense sensations. Female energy is revered in Tantric sex and is considered the catalyst for sexual and spiritual transformation. The man honors a woman’s sexuality and surrenders himself to its limitless power. Try to escape from your usual roles. If you are used to being submissive during sex, use a woman-on-top position to assert latent dominance and take control of pleasure for both of you. [image file=image_rsrc3D7.jpg] Sex PlayErotica and sex toys are important aspects of sex play. A sex toy is not necessarily only a single girl’s best friend. Surveys have found that women in long-term relationships are most likely to use them. This is because sex toys are a fun and erotic way to spice things up in the bedroom. So which sex toy is right for you? From dildos to G-spot stimulators, there is a sex toy for every type of stimulation. There are even undercover-style sex toys shaped like lipsticks or toothbrushes to fit discreetly in your purse. Age-old toysBoth men and women have had fun with sex toys for millennia, and archeologists have discovered stone dildos (called “olisbos”) dating back to 500bce. In early versions of the Kama Sutra, there are references to penis extenders made from wood, leather, and other materials. Even cock rings are not a modern invention—more than 400 years ago, Chinese men used ivory cock rings. As time went by, these were enhanced with extensions to stimulate a woman’s clitoris.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Finding solutions My first homework assignment to Derek and Morgan was for them to spend at least 10 minutes a day alone talking and reconnecting in the bedroom with the door shut. No discussion about the kids or household concerns allowed! For their next assignment, I told Derek and Morgan to set their date night in stone since there’s no point in having a date night that never happens. Without time away from the routine of parenthood and household chores, relationships inevitably suffer. A date doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive—simple things such as going for a coffee or having a picnic are fine. To rebuild intimacy I asked Derek and Morgan to take baths together, give each other massages, and to touch each other in their daily life. By making these forgotten touches part of their routine, I hoped they would rediscover the connection and flirtation that once existed between them. Finally I asked Derek to be aware of the times when he felt intimacy slipping—and to talk to Morgan non-judgmentally about it rather than seeking solace away from her. I asked Morgan to step back a little from the children and spend more time with Derek—although he was a loving father and provider, part of him still needed to be celebrated and appreciated as a man. What happened? Derek cut off contact with his colleague, and, after just one hot bath together, Morgan and Derek ended their long sex drought. As sex returned, so did the spooning, cuddling, and tenderness that they’d both missed. Now that the channels of communication have reopened, Morgan and Derek find it easy to talk frankly. Keep communicating All couples experience times when sex isn’t great and intimacy is lacking. The next time you feel disconnected from your partner, speak to him or her rather than seeking comfort elsewhere. Just the act of talking will start to reconnect you. CommunicationGood communication skills are the foundation of all relationships, and particularly romantic ones. Misunderstandings, crossed signals, and hurt feelings abound when communication is lacking or nonexistent. This is especially true when it comes to sex. Not everyone is comfortable verbalizing his or her needs or speaking up when something is awry in the bedroom. As a result, sexual dilemmas are ignored or misinterpreted, which may lead to unnecessary arguments. Learn the skillsGood communication within a couple allows both partners to state their case, or talk without interruption or judgment. Being a good communicator is not just about choosing the right words and winning the argument. It is about listening to the other person and responding appropriately. Effective communication allows both partners to express their needs. Even partners who communicate well can have problems when it comes to discussing sex. Create great bedroom communication by using verbal and physical skills to help your partner understand what you need.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  [image file=image_rsrc3AV.jpg] Accept your differencesMen and women don’t always appreciate that they have different responses when it comes to stressful situations. When confronted with a dilemma, men often switch into problem-solving mode. Women, on the other hand, tend to empathize and listen rather than look for an immediate solution. This can lead to problems when couples discuss emotional issues (including sexual ones), since both people have different expectations and needs from the conversation. Use body languageWe instinctively understand and respond to our partner’s body language. We are programmed to respond to smiles, kisses, and snuggles—not to mention sexual cues. The next time your partner is doing something you enjoy, let your body talk to him. Arch your back and wrap your legs tighter around him, or lean forward to give him a better penetration angle. All these movements tell your partner what you enjoy, without you having to say a word. Eventually, he will look for these little non-verbal suggestions, so when you aren’t responding as intensely, he will know to change positions or vary his speed. Offer positive encouragementNever complain or give negative feedback during sex unless you are in physical pain—it is sure to kill the mood and may even cause an argument. Instead, try to give your feedback in a positive way—maybe in the form of a compliment. Tell him that what he is doing feels good, but might feel even better if he tries it another way. When he understands which strokes and touches you prefer, he can cater to your pleasure more effectively—and you, in turn, can satisfy his. Female CommunicationMen and women communicate differently, which can affect their romantic and sexual relationships. It starts in childhood, when we are socialized to express our emotions and needs in distinct ways. These differences might be genetic. Baby girls tend to respond more to facial expressions and react by making cooing noises. Baby boys tend to zero in more on the mechanism of how things work. As adults, we need to work around these differences and find effective ways of communicating with each other. Skillful communicatorsWomen are usually effective communicators. We are creative and skilled language users—compassionate to those in trouble and empathic with other women. We often rely on intuition when communicating with our partners. Women are also interested in the emotional lives of their friends, colleagues, and family members. We enjoy listening and sharing. It is not uncommon for two women to exchange intimacies within 30 minutes of meeting. In the bedroom, women can excel at warm, empathic communication and paying genuine and sexy compliments to a lover. If there’s something we want to change, we have the skills to broach the subject with tact and sensitivity. We can use positive feedback and body language to communicate without criticism.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  Somebody, usually my eyerolling sister, would have to jump in after me every time, and pull me sputtering to safety. So when I was three my mother signed me up for swim lessons. But it was my father who put me in the car, drove me to Lake Washington, took off my little clothes and threw me in. In November. I was by far the youngest kid there. I can’t tell you I remember any of this, but I sure the hell can conjure up an image of my own skin bluing in the icy waters. And I feel pretty certain I have muscle memory in my mouth of my teeth nearly shattering from kid cold chatter. If I learned to swim that year I did it in a frozen zombie state, under the heavy weight of father, who, every time I came running out crying stuck his hand and arm out of the station wagon window like an angry god and pointed back to the water. If there is more to that story it drifts away when I go near it - it’s too far back, or too deep. When I first began writing this story my son Miles was seven. So that means I’m seven too sometimes. I mean my seven year old me swims back during the course of an ordinary day all the time, whether or not I’m ready. Miles absolutely loves swimming pools. The thing is, Miles can’t exactly … swim. When Miles gets in the pool, there is no other way to say this, he’s a spaz. And he’s wearing more weenie water gear than a special needs deep sea diver. Don your protective gear: goggles, life vest. Then he wades in and has the time of his life, prepared for any aqua danger, looking like a water nerd. When he’s in the water he laughs and laughs. He shows me all the things he can do in the water, things that amount to splashy little circles or pushing his way across the pool like a water bug, and says, “Lidia, look, I’m doing swimming.” He throws his little arms around and kicks his unsynchopated legs and holds his head in this sort of strange crane upwards, his mouth in a little smirk nowhere near the water, his goggle-bugged eyes looking my way. It drowns my heart. When I was seven I won 13 trophies with little faux gold girls leaning over for the dive on top. If my seven year old me saw his seven year old in the same pool? With all the gear? Well first of all my little posse of athletes wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him. Gyawd they would have gone. What’s wrong with that kid? Is he special ed? But the me inside the me would have adored him. I bet my current salary I would have been the one wishing I could swim over and try out his cool gear.

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  I had remembered the existence of an old doctor, a Greek, who lived down the street, and it was not long before I managed to fetch him up the dark staircase, stumbling and swearing in a transpontine demotic, dropping catheters and stethoscopes all the way. He pronounced Melissa very ill indeed but his diagnosis was ample and vague — in the tradition of the city. ‘It is everything’ he said, ‘malnutrition, hysteria, alcohol, hashish, tuberculosis, Spanish fly … help yourself’ and he made the gesture of putting his hand in his pocket and fetching it out full of imaginary diseases which he offered us to choose from. But he was also practical, and proposed to have a bed ready for her in the Greek Hospital next day. Meanwhile she was not to be moved. I spent that night and the next on the couch at the foot of the bed. While I was out at work she was confided to the care of one-eyed Hamid, the gentlest of Berberines. For the first twelve hours she was very ill indeed, delirious at times, and suffered agonizing attacks of blindness — agonizing because they made her so afraid. But by being gently rough with her we managed between us to give her courage enough to surmount the worst, and by the afternoon of the second day she was well enough to talk in whispers. The Greek doctor pronounced himself satisfied with her progress. He asked her where she came from and a haunted expression came into her face as she replied ‘Smyrna’; nor would she give the name and address of her parents, and when he pressed her she turned her face to the wall and tears of exhaustion welled slowly out of her eyes. The doctor took up her hand and examined the wedding-finger. ‘You see’ he said to me with a clinical detachment, pointing out the absence of a ring, ‘that is why. Her family has disowned her and turned her out of doors. It is so often these days …’ and he shook a shaggy commiserating head over her. Melissa said nothing. but when the ambulance came and the stretcher was being prepared to take her away she thanked me warmly for my help, pressed Hamid’s hand to her cheek, and surprised me by a gallantry to which my life had unaccustomed me: ‘If you have no girl when I come out, think of me. If you call me I will come to you.’* I do not know how to reduce the gallant candour of the Greek to English.

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  [image file=image_rsrc3B6.jpg] KneadingAnother feel-good technique is kneading. This is great for stretching the skin and releasing handfuls of tension from your—and your partner’s—shoulders, back, hips, thighs, and other fleshy areas. Using his thumb and fingers, he can grasp an area of your flesh and alternately squeeze and release. Ask him to start at your shoulders, then move down your back to your bottom and hips. Using gentle movements, he can then knead the backs of your legs and your calves. Give him plenty of positive feedback so that he knows how much pressure to use and how much you are enjoying his touch. When it’s his turn, remember that he will like to feel a bit more pressure than you. [image file=image_rsrc3B7.jpg] GlidingPlace your hands flat on your partner’s chest, with your palms flat and your fingers pointing toward his feet. Using a light touch and soft, gentle pressure, glide both hands down his body, going slowly and steadily. Don’t lean with your full weight or push forcefully. Your partner should experience a wavelike sensation flowing downward through his body. [image file=image_rsrc3B8.jpg] ThumbingThumbing is a technique to stimulate pressure points on the back that promote overall well-being. Have your man gently cup your torso with his palms, while resting his thumbs on your spine. He can then run his hands up the length of your back, applying gentle pressure with his thumbs. In this position, he can also “walk” his thumbs down your spine, gently massaging each vertebra as he goes. Ask him to use a light touch because your spine can be quite sensitive to massage. [image file=image_rsrc3B9.jpg] FeatheringThe final stages of a good massage should include feathering. Ask your partner to softly drape his fingers across your back to create a light, almost imperceptible touch that will send shivers down your spine. Now switch places so that he has a chance to experience the delights you’ve just experienced at his hands. [image file=image_rsrc3BA.jpg] Erotic MassageThis is sensual touch at its most exciting. Unlike traditional massage, which relaxes and unwinds, erotic massage stimulates the receiver’s nerve endings and the giver’s senses, and will leave you both feeling hot and sexy. This type of massage is an excellent form of foreplay. Kiss, touch, and massage to create a uniquely sensual massage experience. Surprise each other with new types of touch. Focus on obvious hot spots like the genitals, breasts, and bottom, but also target the inner thighs, lower abdomen, and other sensitive places. Finish by playing with the idea of happy endings—erotic massage, just like any form of prolonged foreplay, can lead to more intense orgasms.

• From The Spiral Staircase: My Climb Out of Darkness (2004)

  This insight was not confined to Buddhism, however. The late Jewish scholar Abraham Joshua Heschel once said that when we put ourselves at the opposite pole of ego, we are in the place where God is. The Golden Rule requires that every time we are tempted to say or do something unpleasant about a rival, an annoying colleague, or a country with which we are at war, we should ask ourselves how we should like this said of or done to ourselves, and refrain. In that moment we would transcend the frightened egotism that often needs to wound or destroy others in order to shore up the sense of ourselves. If we lived in such a way on a daily, hourly basis, we would not only have no time to worry overmuch about whether there was a personal God “out there”; we would achieve constant ecstasy, because we would be ceaselessly going beyond ourselves, our selfishness and greed. If our political leaders took the Golden Rule seriously into account, the world would be a safer place. I have noticed, however, that compassion is not always a popular virtue. In my lectures I have sometimes seen members of the audience glaring at me mutinously: where is the fun of religion, if you can’t disapprove of other people! There are some people, I suspect, who would be outraged if, when they finally arrived in heaven, they found everybody else there as well. Heaven would not be heaven unless you could peer over the celestial parapets and watch the unfortunates roasting below. But I have myself found that compassion is a habit of mind that is transforming. The science of compassion which guides my studies has changed the way I experience the world. This has been a pattern in my life. Once I had started to study seriously at Oxford, I found that I could no longer conform to convent life. The attitudes that you learn at your desk spill over into your everyday existence. The silence in which I live has also opened my ears and eyes to the suffering of the world. In silence, you begin to hear the note of pain that informs so much of the anger and posturing that pervade social and political life. Solitude is also a teacher. It is lonely; living without intimacy and affection tears holes in you. Saint Augustine of Hippo said somewhere that yearning makes the heart deep. It also makes you vulnerable. Silence and solitude strip away a skin; they break down that protective shell of heartlessness which we cultivate in order to prevent ourselves from being overwhelmed by the suffering of the world that presses in upon us on all sides.

• From History of the Christian Church: The Complete Set of Eight Volumes (1858)

  The same feeling of the inseparable communion of saints gave rise to the usage, unknown to the heathens, of consecrated places of common burial.697 For these cemeteries, the Christians, in the times of persecution, when they were mostly poor and enjoyed no corporate rights, selected remote, secret spots, and especially subterranean vaults, called at first crypts, but after the sixth century commonly termed catacombs, or resting-places, which have been discussed in a previous chapter. We close with a few stanzas of the Spanish poet Prudentius (d. 405), in which he gives forcible expression to the views and feelings of the ancient church before the open grave:698 "No more, ah, no more sad complaining; Resign these fond pledges to earth: Stay, mothers, the thick-falling tear-drops; This death is a heavenly birth. Take, Earth, to thy bosom so tender,— Take, nourish this body. How fair, How noble in death! We surrender These relics of man to thy care This, this was the home of the spirit, Once built by the breath of our God; And here, in the light of his wisdom, Christ, Head of the risen, abode. Guard well the dear treasure we lend thee The Maker, the Saviour of men: Shall never forget His beloved, But claim His own likeness again." § 103. Summary of Moral Reforms. Christianity represents the thoughts and purposes of God in history. They shine as so many stars in the darkness of sin and error. They are unceasingly opposed, but make steady progress and are sure of final victory. Heathen ideas and practices with their degrading influences controlled the ethics, politics, literature, and the house and home of emperor and peasant, when the little band of despised and persecuted followers of Jesus of Nazareth began the unequal struggle against overwhelming odds and stubborn habits. It was a struggle of faith against superstition, of love against selfishness, of purity against corruption, of spiritual forces against political and social power.

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  I first met my mother inside her lifelong leg and hip pain. Underneath the arm length scar where a steel plate masqueraded as bone. A body in pain for the duration of a life. Every hour of existence. I first met my mother when she signed the scholarship papers setting me free. I first met my mother her singing I see the moon, the moon sees me, the moon sees everyone I want to see, god bless the moon, and god bless me, and god bless everyone I want to see. Her voice carrying me to dream. The weight of father lifting, lifting. If I close my eyes I can see her. I remember the first time I saw her swim, joining me in the deep water, leaving my father standing impotently in chest high water. How powerful her sidestroke. The joy in her face. How beautiful the gleaming white skin of her arms. The long glide of her. The water swallowing the fact of her pain, her marriage, her leg. My mother loved to swim more than anyone I know. Swan. Your Tax Dollars At Work Ernesto Alejo Angel Manuel Rick Ricardo Sonny Lebron Pedro Jimarcus Lidia Notice anything about those names? Six Mexicans, one Italian, one African-American, one Jamaican, one white dishonorably discharged Navy guy wound tighter than dynamite, and me. Compliments of the State of California. The posse. All in day-glo orange vests on the side of the freeway picking up your trash with sticks that have “grabbers” on the ends of them. At least that was one of the week’s assignments. The easiest and least humiliating. Who we were on paper: Breaking and Entering (but not stealing anything. ?) Possession Possession DUI Domestic Violence DUI Possession Driving without a License or Vehicle Registration Fleeing a Crime Scene and Failure to Produce Identification Public Intoxication and Indecent Exposure And a big blond D U I Doing time on a road crew in the hot asphalt and suntan lotion world of San Diego makes you feel like you are in much crappier remake of the movie Cool Hand Luke. Everybody who is tanned and glamorous - the paid for whitey pretty smiles and the paid for bleached blonde color weaves and the paid for total laser hair removal jobs and the paid for body parts - drives by you like you are ice plant or oleander. The stuff in the divider between the zipping lanes of freeway life. When cars go by your hair blows up and hot wind brushes your face. The sound of all that driving and social surface life can make you feel nuts.

• From The Lives of Great Christians (2007)

  D. Damien was known for his physical strength and his energy, both of which were valuable to the lepers at Molokai. E. Damien made sure that he visited each leper in his charge—several hundred were Catholics or catechumens, and some were orphaned children. F. In 1884 or 1885, Damien began to show signs that he had contracted leprosy. 1. Although leprosy was not highly contagious, Damien’s years of intimacy with lepers clearly made him vulnerable. 2. Damien’s reference to “we lepers” was now both literally and metaphorically true. G. Damien had, of course, sought to imitate Christ by serving the lepers, and the year before his death, he received an image of St. Francis of Assisi as a gift, which he hung in his bedroom. H. When Father Damien died, he was interred in the leper cemetery at Kalawao. I. Father Damien had become somewhat famous in America and Europe before his death. 1. Although his order made no immediate move to publicize his life or seek his canonization, some laypeople did. 2. Eventually, many of Damien’s things were returned to Belgium to establish a museum, and his body was re-buried in Louvain. 3. In 1938, the formal process of seeking sainthood for Father Damien began. 4. When Hawaii became a state, it chose Damien as one of two Hawaiians whose statues are displayed in the U.S. Capitol. V. Mother Teresa was an ethnic Albanian, born with the name Agnes Gonhxa Bojaxhiu in 1910 in Skopje, now the capital of the nation of Macedonia. A. In 1928, she joined the Order of Sisters of Our Lady of Loreto and was sent to Dublin. B. She arrived in India in 1929, chose Teresa as her new name, and was solemnly professed as a sister in 1937; she worked as a schoolteacher. ©2007 The Teaching Company. 97

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  My father lived a quiet life there for two years until he died. In the morning he would watch T.V. In the afternoon too. Sometimes he would just stare out the window at trees and smile. This man who took the place of the father I’d known before was sweet and docile and kind. Even his eyes were kind. Sometimes, I’d let him see Miles. I never saw the happiness that spread across his face like it did when he was with Miles. I mean in my life with him. Though I rarely let him hold my son, when he did, he looked like a miracle had happened. A boy. A few times Andy and I brought him out to our house in the trees. He marveled at the architecture - muscle memory, I guess. He spoke of the way the light cascaded down the hand crafted wood stairs quite eloquently. The forest took his breath away. He said, “I love it here so much. I wish I could die here.” I think he meant to say “live” here, but I let it go. It was not something I could give him anyway. I’d ask him about things when I’d drive him to do errands or to lunch - I’d say, “Daddy, do you remember being an architect?” “I was an architect? No. No, I don’t think so. Was I?” Or I’d say, do you remember the time when … and I’d try to choose something happy. Like the time he took my mother and me to Trinidad, where his greatest architectural achievement had happened. Steel drum music. A tortoise we saw lay eggs on the white sand beaches. Or living at Stinson Beach. Fruit trees in our yard. The ocean on the breeze. Or my sister singing in The Singing Angels Choir. Or classical music. Or baseball. To all of these he’d smile, sometimes he’d laugh, shake his head yes, maybe a glimpse of something. Mostly he’d stay quiet and look out the window of the car. Once he looked over at me driving and said, “Marilou?” His sister’s name. “No Daddy,” I’d say, “I’m Lidia.” “I know that,” he’d say, and laugh. Among the meager boxes of things he’d brought with him - old photographs and miscellaneous “papers” and a drawing pad and a very fine assortment of pencils and pens - was my first published book. I found it in his room one day. I picked it up and said, “Huh. What are you doing with this thing?” The cover was worn. “Oh, I’ve read that book many times.” “Really. Do you know who wrote it?” “You,” he said, looking up at me with transparent blue eyes, twinning mine. “Yeah, daddy. Me. Have you read all the stories?” “I think so. I can’t remember.” “That’s OK. It doesn’t matter.” “There’s one about swimming.”

• From The Lives of Great Christians (2007)

  A. Kolbe joined the Franciscan Order (Conventuals) as a young man and received a doctorate in Rome. B. He had a deep Marian devotion and founded an organization called Knights of the Immaculate (Mary). C. Kolbe realized the importance of media and founded a newspaper for Catholics in Poland. 1. It later reached a circulation of hundreds of thousands. 2. Eventually, the newspaper was published in other countries. D. Kolbe decided to found a new Franciscan monastery near Warsaw known (in English) as Marytown, and it soon became the largest Franciscan house in the world. E. Kolbe set out to establish a mission in Japan and to print a newspaper there, eventually settling on the outskirts of Nagasaki. F. He returned to Poland and, continuing to believe in the value of new media in the spread of Catholic piety, he established a radio station. G. By this time, the Nazis were in control of neighboring Germany, and in his newspaper columns, Kolbe criticized the Third Reich for its persecution of Jews and establishment of concentration camps; he also criticized Stalin for the horrors that were occurring beyond Poland’s eastern border. H. In 1939, Kolbe was arrested but set free. I. In 1941, he was arrested and transported to Auschwitz. 1. Kolbe, like other detainees, was known by his number— 16670. 2. Despite prohibitions of prayer, he heard confessions, prayed with inmates, and even held masses. 3. One day, one of the men in Kolbe’s barracks escaped, which meant that 10 men would be selected to be starved to death in a hellish dungeon. a. One man chosen to die was Francis Gajowniczek, who cried out that he had a wife and two children. b. Kolbe asked to take this man’s place and was allowed to do so. c. With the other nine, Kolbe was left to starve to death; he was the last to die, killed by a lethal injection, comforting the others and praying to the end. ©2007 The Teaching Company. 93 4. Francis Gajowniczek survived past the end of the war and spent many years telling Kolbe’s story. 5. Maximilian Kolbe was canonized by his fellow Pole John Paul II in 1982, and Francis Gajowniczek was present for that ceremony. V. The martyrs of the Third Reich discussed here are only two of many who were killed for their beliefs. They show us the truth of Tertullian’s belief that the blood of martyrs is the seed of the church in modern times as well as in the early Christian centuries. Essential Reading: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison. Diana Dewar, The Saint of Auschwitz. Supplementary Reading: Eberhard Bethge, Dietrich Bonhoeffer: A Biography.

• From The Confessions of Saint Augustine (354)

  For as a fountain within a narrow compass, is more plentiful, and supplies a tide for more streams over larger spaces, than any one of those streams, which, after a wide interval, is derived from the same fountain; so the relation of that dispenser of Thine, which was to benefit many who were to discourse thereon, does out of a narrow scantling of language, overflow into streams of clearest truth, whence every man may draw out for himself such truth as he can upon these subjects, one, one truth, another, another, by larger circumlocutions of discourse. For some, when they read, or hear these words, conceive that God like a man or some mass endued with unbounded power, by some new and sudden resolution, did, exterior to itself, as it were at a certain distance, create heaven and earth, two great bodies above and below, wherein all things were to be contained. And when they hear, God said, Let it be made, and it was made; they conceive of words begun and ended, sounding in time, and passing away; after whose departure, that came into being, which was commanded so to do; and whatever of the like sort, men’s acquaintance with the material world would suggest. In whom, being yet little ones and carnal, while their weakness is by this humble kind of speech, carried on, as in a mother’s bosom, their faith is wholesomely built up, whereby they hold assured, that God made all natures, which in admirable variety their eye beholdeth around. Which words, if any despising, as too simple, with a proud weakness, shall stretch himself beyond the guardian nest; he will, alas, fall miserably. Have pity, O Lord God, lest they who go by the way trample on the unfledged bird, and send Thine angel to replace it into the nest, that it may live, till it can fly.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Next, into this moment of empathy, extend a simple wish for the person’s release from pain and suffering. Try saying one or more of the following classic phrases, silently, in your own mind and heart, directing your good wishes to this particular person: May your difficulties [misfortune, pain] fade away. May you find peace [ease, strength]. May your burdens be lifted. As with all phrase-based practices, it’s not the words you choose that matter, but rather the feelings these words evoke. Experiment: Try new phrasings until you find a phrase or two that truly moves you, or leads to a subtle shift in the physical sensations of your heart. Remember, you’re not engaging any sort of magical thinking by doing this. Shifting your stream of consciousness toward compassion is no metaphysical trick that instantly whisks away all suffering from this other person’s experience. Your aim with this informal practice is far more humble and realistic. It is simply to condition your own heart to be more open and concerned about the pains and predicaments others inevitably face. Put differently, although your focus is completely on other people in this practice, the person who is most changed by it is you. Celebration: Meeting Another’s Good Fortune with Love At times it can seem all but overwhelming to truly open to the suffering of others. Standing beside and becoming one with those who suffer takes courage, which can, over time, become depleted. But it can also be replenished, for courage is a forever renewable resource. Fortunately, opportunities to recharge your resources for compassion abound. The secret is to be ready for chances to forge yet another variant of love: celebratory love. This lets you connect with others who are experiencing good fortune. Moments of bad fortune, with attendant opportunities to suffer, seem plentiful in this world. Yet, statistically speaking, moments of good fortune, with attendant opportunities for positive emotions, outnumber them by a wide margin. One rigorous examination of people’s day-to-day lives concludes that good events outnumber bad events by margins of about 3 to 1. Put differently, for every episode of bad fortune that you encounter, odds are you also encounter three or more episodes of good fortune to balance it out. Plus, it’s the frequency, not the magnitude of good events, that predicts your overall well-being. The key, of course, is to notice and be open to the good events just as much as you take in the bad. Set aside the mental time travel of worry and rumination. Awaken to the present moment. If you do, you’ll discover that most moments in life offer at least some good fortune to be relished, whether it’s fresh air, a welcomed meal, or the opportunity for companionship. The discovery that good events in people’s lives are more plentiful than bad events can be especially comforting. You might even say that the world conspires to offer up just the right ratio of positivity to negativity for you to thrive.