Remorse

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Story of My Experiments with Truth (An Autobiography) (1927)

  I succumbed. My intense eagerness to take up the Satyagraha fight had created in me a strong desire to live, and so I contented myself with adhering to the letter of my vow only, and sacrificed its spirit. For although I had only the milk of the cow and the she buffalo in mind when I took the vow, by natural implication it covered the milk of all animals. Nor could it be right for me to use milk at all, so long as I held that milk is not the natural diet of man. Yet knowing all this i agreed to take goat’s milk. The will to live proved stronger than the devotion to truth, and for once the votary of truth compromised his sacred ideal by his eagerness to take up the Satyagraha fight. The memory of this action even now rankles in my breast and fills me with remorse, and I am constantly thinking how to give up goat’s milk. But I cannot yet free myself from that subtlest of temptations, the desire to serve, which still holds me. My experience in dietetics are dear to me as a part of my researches in Ahimsa. They give me recreation and joy. But my use of goat’s milk today troubles me not from the view-point of dietetic Ahimsa so much as from that of truth, being no less than a breach of pledge. It seems to me that I understand the ideal of truth better than that of a Ahimsa, and my experience tells me that, if I let go my hold of truth, I shall never be able to solve the riddle of Ahimsa. The ideal of truth requires that vows taken should be fulfilled in the spirit as well as in the letter. In the present case I killed the spirit the soul of my vow by adhering to its outer form only, and that is what galls me. But in spite of this clear knowledge I cannot see my way straight before me. In other words, perhaps, I have not the courage to follow the straight course. Both at bottom mean one and the same thing, for doubt is invariably the result of want or weakness of faith. ‘Lord, give me faith’ is, therefore, my prayer day and night. Soon after I began taking goat’s milk, Dr. Dalal performed on me a successful

• From The Story of My Experiments with Truth (An Autobiography) (1927)

  downstairs: ‘Please go and inform the Police Superintendent, with my compliments, that a person living with me has misbehaved himself. I do not want to keep him in my house, but he refuses to leave. I shall be much obliged if police help can be sent me.’ This showed him that I was in earnest. His guilt unnerved him. He apologized to me, entreated me not to inform the police, and agreed to leave the house immediately, which he did. The incident came as a timely warning in my life. Only now could I see clearly how thoroughly I had been beguiled by this evil genius. In harbouring him I had chosen a bad means for a good end. I had expected to ‘gather figs of thistles’ I had known that the companion was a bad character, and yet I believed in his faithfulness to me. In the attempt to reform him I was near ruining myself. I had disregarded the warning of kind friends. Infatuation had completely blinded me. But for the new cook I should never have discovered the truth and being under the influence of the companion, I should probably have been unable to lead the life of detachment that I then began. I should always have been wasting time on him. He had the power to keep me in the dark and to mislead me. But God came to the rescue as before. My intentions were pure, and so I was saved in spite of my mistakes, and this early experience thoroughly forewarned me for the future. The cook had been almost a messenger sent from Heaven. He did not know cooking, and as a cook he could not have remained at my place. But no one else could have opened my eyes. This was not the first time, as I subsequently learnt, that the woman had been brought into my house. She had come often before, but no one had the courage of this cook. For everyone knew how blindly I trusted the companion. The cook had, as it were, been sent to me just to do this service, for he begged leave of me that very moment. ‘I cannot stay in your house,’ he said. ‘You are so easily misled. This is no place for me.’ I let him go. I now discovered that the man who had poisoned my ears against the clerk was no other than this companion, I tried very hard to make amends to the clerk for the injustice I had done him. It has, however, been my eternal regret that I could never satisfy him fully. Howsoever you may repair it, a rift is a rift. 51.

• From The Wrestler: A Life of Passion and the Pursuit of Greatness (2016)

  believed I had what I needed, and it was simply a matter of making sure I was in top physical shape to perform. And our practices were long. At Apple Valley, we practiced for over three hours each day. What’s more is that only the last hour consisted of strength and conditioning. So the first two hours of every practice, I would essentially watch the clock, hoping the time would pass quickly so that we could get on with the “important” part of practice. As a result of my approach, not only did I fail to grow as much as I could as a wrestler, but I spent so much of my wrestling career watching time pass by when I could have been taking advantage of the opportunity to embrace what little time I had. Now, even for those who maybe took advantage of their time in the training arena, there is still a sense in which they too found themselves watching time slip away. What I mean is that there are those wrestlers who knew full well the importance and necessity of training, and took every opportunity to grow as a wrestler and athlete. However, even then, they failed to enjoy where they were in their journey or failed to show any sort of appreciation for their time as a competitor. They became so caught up in the routine of training and competing that they forgot to take a step back and appreciate what it was they were doing as well as the time they had to do it. Of course, as would be expected given my approach, I didn’t realize the importance of time until my journey in the sport ended. It’s one of those things I have to live with. We all make mistakes when it comes to our life in the sport of wrestling, and I made a lot of them. Because, you see, when you’re so focused on time passing by, when it passes as you wanted it to, you’re eventually left on the other side of it – that is, the side in which there’s no going back. That’s part of the sadness in the whole deal. You focused so much on wanting time to pass quickly, that when it does, you didn’t realize your real wish was that time would have passed slowly. In fact, you will want to do what simply can’t be done: get the time back. Look, I understand that there is always a tournament which serves as the pinnacle of the season. And every single one of us desires to be the reigning champion at that tournament. But your life, your time at that one tournament, accounts for a mere fragment of your time in the sport.

• From The Wrestler: A Life of Passion and the Pursuit of Greatness (2016)

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN TIME ∞ YOU PROBABLY CAN’T see it now, but time will pass quickly. Your time competing will end, and you’ll wonder where it all went. Because the truth is that, when you’re in the midst of the wrestling journey, it can seem long and daunting. In fact, when I was competing, every season I would grab a copy of the schedule and map out how long it would take to finally make it to the state tournament at the end of the season. The state tournament was all I cared about. I didn’t have any perspective relative to my time in the sport. I didn’t enjoy the journey. I wrestled for me and what I could accomplish; and state titles, as far as I was concerned, was essentially the sole purpose for the season as well as the sport in general. Simply put, the season was just an obstacle in the way. It was something I had to endure in order to allow time to do its work and pass by. As a result of this I didn’t utilize practice as a means to grow as a wrestler and athlete. Practices involved something I simply I had to undergo in order to move on to another day, something I had to overcome in order to move one step closer to the state tournament months down the road. Now, this doesn’t mean that I would slough off in practice. I fully realized that training was necessary in order for me to build my strength and conditioning. But as far as technique, I simply went through the motions. For me, I didn’t see any benefit in refining my technique or learning new things. I

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  13 You have heard of my career and former manner of life in Judaism, how I used to hunt down and persecute the church of God extensively and [with fanatical zeal] tried [my best] to destroy it. 14 And [you have heard how] I surpassed many of my contemporaries among my countrymen in [my advanced study of the laws of] Judaism, as I was extremely loyal to the traditions of my ancestors. 15 But when God, who had chosen me and set me apart before I was born, and called me through His grace, was pleased [Is 49:1 ; Jer 1:5 ] 16 to reveal His Son in me so that I might preach Him among the Gentiles [as the good news—the way of salvation], I did not immediately consult with e anyone [for guidance regarding God’s call and His revelation to me]. 17 Nor did I [even] go up to Jerusalem to those who were apostles before me; but I went to Arabia and stayed awhile, and afterward returned once more to Damascus. 18 Then three years later I did go up to Jerusalem to get acquainted with Cephas (Peter), and I stayed with him fifteen days. 19 But I did not see any other apostle except James, the [half] brother of the Lord. 20 (Now in what I am writing to you, I assure you as if I were standing before God that I am not lying.) 21 Then I went into the regions of Syria and Cilicia. 22 And I was still unknown by sight to the churches which were in Christ in Judea (Jerusalem and the surrounding region); 23 they only kept hearing, “He who used to persecute us is now preaching the [good news of the] faith which he once was trying to destroy.” 24 And they were glorifying God [as the Author and Source of what had taken place and all that had been accomplished] in me. Galatians 2 The Council at Jerusalem 1 T HEN AFTER a period of fourteen years I again went up to Jerusalem, [this time] with Barnabas, taking Titus along also. 2 I went up [to Jerusalem] because of a [divine] revelation, and I put before them the gospel which I preach among the Gentiles. But I did so in private before those of a reputation, for fear that I might be running or had run [the course of my ministry] in vain. 3 But [all went well, for] not even Titus, who was with me, was compelled [as some had anticipated] to be circumcised, despite the fact that he was a Greek. 4 My concern was because of the b false brothers [those people masquerading as Christians] who had been secretly smuggled in [to the community of believers]. They had slipped in to spy on the freedom which we have in Christ Jesus, in order to bring us back into bondage [under the Law of Moses].

• From The Incendiaries (2018)

  No loss occurs in isolation, and a side profit of the faith that I missed at times like this was how easily, while Christ shone in each face, I loved. If hatred cuts both ways, to forgive can be a balm, and I often missed, as I would a friend, the more tranquil person I now had no reason to be. I opened the spigot. I washed my hands, then face; eyes closed, I saw my mother wringing out long, baptized hair, twisting it into a rope. Released, the strands flew loose, flicking wet silt. She picked me up, my legs swinging. I thought I felt His elation in her hold, glimpsed it in the silt-sparked light. I used to love imagining His hand upon me, its heft and size: I’d known His impress in the laddering of my ribs, His fingerprint in the whorl crowning my head. The God I followed had been as real to me as a living person—more real, since I’d put so much into inventing Him. In time, they’d all want me to explain how I lost my faith. John Leal, the others—they kept asking, and I’d recognize the fascination. Scripture indicates there’s no hope for the apostates, like me: having known His love, then repudiated Him, I’m believed to be past saving. I exist beyond His grace. But I tried: will that count for anything, Lord? In the final lists You won’t compile, allotting a life that You can’t give because, in failing to exist, You’ve left us behind. I’d returned from the Beijing mission trip split with doubt, unable to sleep. I begged His help. It was as I’d told Phoebe. I had no single problem, or quibble; the misgivings had piled up, questions I stifled as long as I could. The last hours I believed, I’d knelt, asking for a sign. He’d assisted others. Old Testament prophets, along with all the pastors who heard God talk. Friends exulting about His presence. This much love, I thought, must have its match in truth. I’d asked Him to help, then waited. Sunlight spilled in from the afternoon. White curtains rippled, a slight late-spring wind. I waited, and by the time I got up I knew I’d been pleading with no one. I dried my hands, and I left the bathroom. I was taking dishes into the kitchen when Paul grabbed my arm. The two-top at table nine, he said, his hard stomach bumping my hip. Give me an update, kid. Tell me there isn’t an issue. I started explaining, but Paul interrupted. I don’t get it, he said. If the kitchen was low, why’d you push the veal? I didn’t. He asked about it, so— But he took the fucking quail. Why didn’t you push the bird from the start? It was a valid question.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  If she had not turned away from Me, I would have certainly killed you now, and let her live.” 34 Balaam said to the Angel of the LORD , “I have sinned, for I did not know that You were standing in the way against me. But now, if my going displeases You, I will turn back.” 35 The Angel of the LORD said to Balaam, “Go with the men, but you shall speak only what I tell you.” So Balaam went along with the leaders of Balak. 36 When Balak heard that Balaam was coming, he went out to meet him at the city of Moab, which is on the border at the Arnon [River], at the farthest end of the border. 37 Balak said to Balaam, “Did I not urgently send word to you to call you? Why did you not come to me [immediately]? Am I really unable to honor (pay) you?” 38 So Balaam said to Balak, “Indeed I have come to you now, but am I able to say anything at all? The word that God puts in my mouth, that I shall speak.” 39 And Balaam went with Balak, and they came to Kiriath-huzoth. 40 Balak sacrificed oxen and sheep, and sent some to Balaam and to the leaders who were with him. 41 Then it came about in the morning that Balak took Balaam and brought him up to the high places of Baal; from there he saw a portion of the Israelites. Numbers 23 The Prophecies of Balaam 1 T HEN BALAAM said to Balak, “Build seven altars for me here, and prepare for me seven bulls and seven rams here.” 2 Balak did just as Balaam had said, and Balak and Balaam offered a bull and a ram on each altar. 3 Then Balaam said to Balak, “Stand beside your burnt offering and I will go. Perhaps the LORD will come to meet me; and whatever He shows me I will tell you.” So he went to a desolate hill. 4 Now God met Balaam, who said to Him, “I have prepared seven altars, and I have offered a bull and a ram on each altar.” 5 Then the LORD put a speech in Balaam’s mouth, and said, “Return to Balak, and you shall speak thus.” 6 Balaam returned to Balak, and behold, he was standing by his burnt sacrifice, he and all the leaders of Moab. 7 Balaam took up his [first] discourse (oracle) and said: “Balak, the king of Moab, has brought me from Aram (Syria), from the mountains of the east, [saying,] ‘Come, curse [the descendants of] Jacob for me; And come, [violently] denounce Israel.’ 8 “How shall I curse those whom God has not cursed? Or how can I [violently] denounce those the LORD has not denounced? 9 “For from the top of the rocks I see Israel, And from the hills I look at him.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  23 “And when the LORD sent you from Kadesh-barnea, saying, ‘Go up and take possession of the land which I have given you,’ then you rebelled against the command of the LORD your God, and you did not believe and rely on Him, nor did you obey His voice. 24 “You have been rebellious against the LORD from the [first] day that I knew you. 25 “So I fell down and lay face down before the LORD forty days and nights because the LORD had said He would destroy you. 26 “Then I prayed to the LORD and said, ‘O Lord GOD , do not destroy Your people, even Your inheritance, whom You have redeemed through Your greatness, whom You have brought from Egypt with a mighty hand. 27 ‘Remember [with compassion] Your servants, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; do not look at the stubbornness of this people or at their wickedness or at their sin, 28 so that the [people of the] land from which You brought us will not say, “Because the LORD was not capable of bringing them into the land which He had promised them and because He hated them He has brought them out to the wilderness [in order] to kill them.” 29 ‘Yet they are Your people and Your inheritance, whom You have brought out by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm.’ Deuteronomy 10 The Tablets Rewritten 1 “A T THAT time the LORD said to me, ‘Cut out for yourself two tablets of stone like the first, and come up to Me on the mountain, and make an ark (chest) of wood for yourself. 2 ‘I will write on the tablets the words that were on the first tablets which you shattered, and you shall put them in the ark.’ 3 “So I made an ark of acacia wood and cut out two tablets of stone like the first, and went up the mountain a with the two tablets in my hand. 4 “The LORD wrote on the tablets, like the first writing, the Ten b Commandments which the LORD had spoken to you on the mountain from the midst of the fire on the day of the assembly; then the LORD gave them to me. 5 “Then I turned and came down from the mountain and put the tablets in the ark which I had made; and they are there, just as the LORD commanded me.” 6 (Now the sons of Israel traveled from the wells of the sons of Jaakan to Moserah. There Aaron died and there he was buried and Eleazar his son ministered as priest in his place. 7 From there they traveled to Gudgodah, and from Gudgodah to Jotbathah, a land of brooks of water. 8 At that time the LORD set apart the tribe of Levi to carry the ark of the covenant of the LORD , to stand before the LORD to serve Him and to bless in His name until this day.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  Josiah’s Good Reign 31 Then the king stood in his place and made a covenant before the LORD —to walk after (obey) the LORD , and to keep His commandments, His testimonies, and His statutes with all his heart and with all his soul, to perform the words of the covenant written in this book. 32 Further, he made all who were present in Jerusalem and Benjamin stand [with him, in confirmation of it]. So the inhabitants of Jerusalem acted in accordance with the covenant of God, the God of their fathers. 33 Josiah removed all the [pagan] repulsive things from all the lands belonging to the sons (descendants) of Israel, and made all who were present in Israel serve the LORD their God. Throughout his lifetime they did not turn from following the LORD God of their fathers. 2 Chronicles 35 The Passover Observed Again 1 J osiah celebrated the Passover to the LORD in Jerusalem; they slaughtered the Passover lambs on the fourteenth day of the first month. 2 He appointed the priests to their positions and encouraged them in the service of the house of the LORD . 3 To the Levites who taught all Israel and were holy to the LORD he said, “Put the holy ark in the house (temple) which Solomon the son of David king of Israel built; it shall not be a burden [carried] on your shoulders any longer. Now serve the LORD your God and His people Israel. 4 “Prepare yourselves according to your fathers’ (ancestors’) households by your divisions, in accordance with the instructions of David king of Israel, and the instructions of his son Solomon. 5 “And stand in the holy place [of the priests] according to the sections of the fathers’ households of your fellow kinsmen the lay people, and according to the Levites, by division of [the families of] a father’s household. 6 “Slaughter the Passover lambs and consecrate yourselves, and prepare for your fellow countrymen to carry out (obey) the word of the LORD given by Moses.” 7 Then Josiah contributed to the lay people, to all who were present, flocks of lambs and young goats numbering 30,000, all as Passover offerings, and 3,000 bulls—these were from the king’s property. 8 His officers also contributed a voluntary offering to the people, the priests and the Levites. Hilkiah, Zechariah, and Jehiel, the officials of the house of God, gave to the priests for the Passover offerings 2,600 from the flocks [of lambs and young goats], and 300 bulls. 9 Conaniah also, and Shemaiah and Nethanel, his brothers, and Hashabiah and Jeiel and Jozabad, officers of the Levites, contributed to the Levites for the Passover offerings 5,000 from the flocks [of lambs and young goats], and 500 bulls. 10 When the service was ready, the priests stood in their [assigned] places and the Levites by their divisions, in accordance with the king’s command.

• From Girls & Sex (2016)

  Dave should know, he continued. He faltered before his own marriage, something he regrets and blames, in part, for its ultimate failure. “I went off to college and was on my own,” he said. “And I got off track. I did not surround myself with like-minded people. There was a lot of heartache and a lot of pain. That’s why I think this is so flipping important. We get told all the time no one will be abstinent, there’s no way they’ll do it. Why? It’s a choice.” He pointed to his daughter, who was standing silently beside him, twirling her white rose. “If someone put a gun to her head every day and said if you lose your purity, I’ll shoot you, I guarantee she wouldn’t lose her purity. It’s all about choice.” Dave did not, at least on the surface, hold a double standard. Abstinence, to him, was as important for males as females. He planned to serve as a role model to his children, remaining chaste until (or unless) he remarried. He expected “purity” from his sons as well. Again, his concern seemed less about sex than the pain wrought by emotional intimacy—pain that others may consider essential to personal growth, to developing mature ideas and expectations of relationships. Listening to Dave, it occurred to me that the idea that purity would protect either him or his children from divorce—that practicing the skills of emotional or physical intimacy before marriage threatens rather than enhances a partnership—seemed as much a fairy tale as the fake crown he’d just placed on his daughter’s head. I’ve been married nearly twenty-five years. Virginity, by the time of our wedding day long gone, was not something special or cherished my husband and I gave each other; our love and commitment were. That’s true for all the long-term married couples I know; it was equally true of everyone I know who has divorced. What’s more, if Dave really wanted his children to marry for keeps, he might want to start checking the real estate listings in liberal bastions such as New York, Boston, or San Francisco. Statistically, the strongest factor predicting higher divorce rates in any given county is its concentration of conservative or evangelical Protestants, in part because they marry and have children younger. Taboos against sexual experimentation and emotional intimacy may, then, boomerang on parents such as Dave, pushing their children to wed someone incompatible or before they’re ready so they can have an openly physical relationship.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  32 “Now therefore, our God, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who keeps the covenant and lovingkindness, Do not let all the hardship seem insignificant before You, Which has come upon us, our kings, our princes, our priests, our prophets, our fathers and on all Your people, Since the time of the kings of Assyria to this day. 33 “However, You are just and righteous in everything that has come upon us; For You have dealt faithfully, but we have acted wickedly. 34 Our kings, our princes, our priests, and our fathers have not kept Your law Or paid attention to Your commandments and Your warnings which You have given them. 35 “But they, in their kingdom, With Your great goodness which You gave them, With the broad and rich land which You set before them, Did not serve You or turn from their wicked deeds. 36 “Behold, we are slaves today, And as for the land which You gave our fathers, to eat of its fruit and its goodness, Behold, we are slaves in it. 37 “Its abundant produce is for the kings Whom You have set over us because of our sins; They also rule over our bodies And over our cattle as they please, So we are in great distress. A Covenant Results 38 “m Now because of all this We are making an agreement in writing; And on the sealed document are the names of our princes, our Levites, and our priests.” Nehemiah 10 Signers of the Document 1 a N ow these were the names on the sealed document: Nehemiah the governor, the son of Hacaliah. And Zedekiah, 2 Seraiah, Azariah, Jeremiah, 3 Pashhur, Amariah, Malchijah, 4 Hattush, Shebaniah, Malluch, 5 Harim, Meremoth, Obadiah, 6 Daniel, Ginnethon, Baruch, 7 Meshullam, Abijah, Mijamin, 8 Maaziah, Bilgai, Shemaiah—these were the priests. 9 And the Levites: Jeshua the son of Azaniah, Binnui of the sons of Henadad, Kadmiel, 10 and their brothers: Shebaniah, Hodiah, Kelita, Pelaiah, Hanan, 11 Mica, Rehob, Hashabiah, 12 Zaccur, Sherebiah, Shebaniah, 13 Hodiah, Bani, Beninu. 14 The leaders of the people: Parosh, Pahath-moab, Elam, Zattu, Bani, 15 Bunni, Azgad, Bebai, 16 Adonijah, Bigvai, Adin, 17 Ater, Hezekiah, Azzur, 18 Hodiah, Hashum, Bezai, 19 Hariph, Anathoth, Nebai, 20 Magpiash, Meshullam, Hezir, 21 Meshezabel, Zadok, Jaddua, 22 Pelatiah, Hanan, Anaiah, 23 Hoshea, Hananiah, Hasshub, 24 Hallohesh, Pilha, Shobek, 25 Rehum, Hashabnah, Maaseiah, 26 Ahiah, Hanan, Anan, 27 Malluch, Harim, Baanah.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  13 “The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God of our fathers, has glorified His Servant and Son Jesus [doing Him this honor], the One whom you handed over and disowned and rejected before Pilate, when he had decided to release Him. [Ex 3:6 ; Is 52:13 ] 14 “But you disowned and denied the Holy and Righteous One and asked for [the pardon of] a murderer to be granted to you. 15 “But you killed the Prince (Author, Originator, Source) of life, whom God raised [bodily] from the dead. To this [fact] we are witnesses [for we have seen the risen Christ]. 16 “And on the basis of faith in His name, it is the name of Jesus which has strengthened this man whom you see and know; and the faith which comes through Him has given him this perfect health and complete wholeness in your presence. 17 “Now, brothers, I know that you acted in ignorance [not fully aware of what you were doing], just as your rulers did also. 18 “And so God has fulfilled what He foretold by the mouth of all the prophets, that His Christ (Messiah, Anointed) would suffer. 19 “So repent [change your inner self—your old way of thinking, regret past sins] and return [to God—seek His purpose for your life], so that your sins may be wiped away [blotted out, completely erased], so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord [restoring you like a cool wind on a hot day]; 20 and that He may send [to you] Jesus, the Christ, who has been appointed for you, 21 whom heaven must keep until the time for the [complete] restoration of all things about which God promised through the mouth of His holy prophets from ancient time. 22 “Moses said, ‘THE LORD GOD WILL RAISE UP FOR YOU A PROPHET b LIKE ME FROM YOUR COUNTRYMEN ; YOU SHALL LISTEN TO HIM and OBEY everything He tells you. 23 ‘And it will be that every person that does not listen to and heed that Prophet will be utterly destroyed from among the people.’ [Deut 18:15–19 ] 24 “Indeed, all the prophets who have spoken, from Samuel and those who came after him, also announced these days.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  [1 Sam 15:22 ] 17 My [only] sacrifice [acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart [broken with sorrow for sin, thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise. 18 By Your favor do good to Zion; May You rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then will You delight in the sacrifices of righteousness, In burnt offering and whole burnt offering; Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar. Psalm 52 Futility of Boastful Wickedness. To the Chief Musician. A skillful song, or a didactic or reflective poem. A Psalm of David, when Doeg the Edomite came and told Saul, “David has come to the house of Ahimelech.” 1 W HY DO you boast of evil, O mighty man? The lovingkindness of God endures all day long. 2 Your tongue devises destruction, Like a sharp razor, working deceitfully. 3 You love evil more than good, And falsehood more than speaking what is right. Selah. 4 You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue. 5 But God will break you down forever; He will take you away and tear you away from your tent, And uproot you from the land of the living. Selah. 6 The righteous will see it and fear, And will [scoffingly] laugh, saying, 7 “Look, [this is] the man who would not make God his strength [his stronghold and fortress], But trusted in the abundance of his riches, Taking refuge in his wealth.” 8 But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust [confidently] in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever. 9 I will thank You forever, because You have done it, [You have rescued me and kept me safe]. I will wait on Your name, for it is good, in the presence of Your godly ones. Psalm 53 Folly and Wickedness of Men. To the Chief Musician; in a mournful strain. A skillful song, or didactic or reflective poem of David. 1 T HE [empty-headed] fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt and evil, and have committed repulsive injustice; There is no one who does good. 2 God has looked down from heaven upon the children of men To see if there is anyone who understands, Who seeks after God [who requires Him, who longs for Him as essential to life]. 3 Every one of them has turned aside and fallen away; Together they have become filthy and corrupt; There is no one who does good, no, not even one. [Rom 3:10–12 ] 4 Have workers of wickedness no knowledge or no understanding? They eat up My people as though they ate bread And have not called upon God. 5 There they were, in great terror and dread, where there had been no terror or dread; For God scattered the bones of him who besieged you; You have put them to shame, because God has rejected them.

• From The Decameron (1353)

  The two brothers, albeit they conceived no great hope of this, nevertheless betook themselves to a brotherhood of monks and demanded some holy and learned man to hear the confession of a Lombard who lay sick in their house. There was given them a venerable brother of holy and good life and a past master in Holy Writ, a very reverend man, for whom all the townsfolk had a very great and special regard, and they carried him to their house; where, coming to the chamber where Master Ciappelletto lay and seating himself by his side, he began first tenderly to comfort him and after asked him how long it was since he had confessed last; whereto Master Ciappelletto, who had never confessed in his life, answered, 'Father, it hath been my usance to confess every week once at the least and often more; it is true that, since I fell sick, to wit, these eight days past, I have not confessed, such is the annoy that my sickness hath given me.' Quoth the friar, 'My son, thou hast done well and so must thou do henceforward. I see, since thou confessest so often, that I shall be at little pains either of hearing or questioning.' 'Sir,' answered Master Ciappelletto, 'say not so; I have never confessed so much nor so often but I would still fain make a general confession of all my sins that I could call to mind from the day of my birth to that of my confession; wherefore I pray you, good my father, question me as punctually of everything, nay, everything, as if I had never confessed; and consider me not because I am sick, for that I had far liefer displease this my flesh than, in consulting its ease, do aught that might be the perdition of my soul, which my Saviour redeemed with His precious blood.' These words much pleased the holy man and seemed to him to argue a well-disposed mind; wherefore, after he had much commended Master Ciappelletto for that his usance, he asked him if he had ever sinned by way of lust with any woman. 'Father,' replied Master Ciappelletto, sighing, 'on this point I am ashamed to tell you the truth, fearing to sin by way of vainglory.' Quoth the friar, 'Speak in all security, for never did one sin by telling the truth, whether in confession or otherwise.' 'Then,' said Master Ciappelletto, 'since you certify me of this, I will tell you; I am yet a virgin, even as I came forth of my mother's body.' 'O blessed be thou of God!' cried the monk. 'How well hast thou done! And doing thus, thou hast the more deserved, inasmuch as, an thou wouldst, thou hadst more leisure to do the contrary than we and whatsoever others are limited by any rule.'

• From The Wrestler: A Life of Passion and the Pursuit of Greatness (2016)

  this, the sooner we can start appreciating what it is we’ve been given every time two wrestlers strap on a pair of wrestling shoes and embrace the struggle. EPILOGUE The following is a poetic piece I wrote when reflecting on my life and career in the sport of wrestling. This piece was the inspiration for what later became the product of this book. If I Could Do It All Over Again If I could do it all over again, I would take advantage of every practice. I would push myself to the limit...and then further each day. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t worry so much about winning but instead about enforcing my will upon my opponent, and let the winning take care of itself. If I could do it all over again, I would refuse to feel sorry for myself whenever I experienced failure or defeat. Instead, I would use it as motivation to move forward, work harder, and gain perspective. And I would always remind myself that failure is not something to be feared but something to learn from. If I could do it all over again, I would pursue veterans of the sport, listen to them, learn from them, and take full advantage of their knowledge and experience. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t dread encounters with tough opponents, I would desire them. I would seek out the best and set a course to defeat and conquer. If I could do it all over again, I would fight through pain and fatigue when my body yearns to shut down. For the greatest sorrow in losing a wrestling match might just be “giving up” rather than merely losing. (If I’m going down, I’m going down swinging). If I could do it all over again, I would avoid thinking about wrestling as something to extract my own glory or self-worth, and view it instead as a gift to be engaged. If I could do it all over again, I would always resort to humility as opposed to arrogance. There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance, and one’s ego should never take precedence. If I could do it all over again, I would soak in the atmosphere of big tournaments – state and national – and thank God for the experience. If I could do it all over again, I would try and have fun. Life is short, and a wrestling career even shorter. I wouldn’t want to miss a single opportunity to compete. If I could do it all over again, I would put on my wrestling shoes and tie them a little slower; because the day will come when I am not afforded the opportunity to put on a pair of wrestling shoes again. If I could do it all over again, I would dream a little bigger, set goals that appear unlikely or impossible, and then pursue them as if the “impossible” is a foreign concept.

• From The Decameron (1353)

  Master Ciappelletto, however, still wept and said nought; but, after he had thus held the friar a great while in suspense, he heaved a deep sigh and said, 'Father mine, since you promise me to pray God for me, I will e'en tell it you. Know, then, that, when I was little, I once cursed my mother.' So saying, he fell again to weeping sore. 'O my son,' quoth the friar, 'seemeth this to thee so heinous a sin? Why, men blaspheme God all day long and He freely pardoneth whoso repenteth him of having blasphemed Him; and deemest thou not He will pardon thee this? Weep not, but comfort thyself; for, certes, wert thou one of those who set Him on the cross, He would pardon thee, in favour of such contrition as I see in thee.' 'Alack, father mine, what say you?' replied Ciappelletto. 'My kind mother, who bore me nine months in her body, day and night, and carried me on her neck an hundred times and more, I did passing ill to curse her and it was an exceeding great sin; and except you pray God for me, it will not be forgiven me.' The friar, then, seeing that Master Ciappelletto had no more to say, gave him absolution and bestowed on him his benison, holding him a very holy man and devoutly believing all that he had told him to be true. And who would not have believed it, hearing a man at the point of death speak thus? Then, after all this, he said to him, 'Master Ciappelletto, with God's help you will speedily be whole; but, should it come to pass that God call your blessed and well-disposed soul to Himself, would it please you that your body be buried in our convent?' 'Ay, would it, sir,' replied Master Ciappelletto. 'Nay, I would fain no be buried otherwhere, since you have promised to pray God for me; more by token that I have ever had a special regard for your order. Wherefore I pray you that whenas you return to your lodging, you must cause bring me that most veritable body of Christ, which you consecrate a-mornings upon the altar, for that, with your leave, I purpose (all unworthy as I am) to take it and after, holy and extreme unction, to the intent that, if I have lived as a sinner, I may at the least die like a Christian.' The good friar replied that it pleased him much and that he said well and promised to see it presently brought him; and so was it done.

• From The Well of Loneliness (1928)

  And so strangely complex is poor human nature, that Angela really believed in her feelings. At that moment of sudden fear and remorse, remembering those guilty weeks in Scotland, she believed that she felt compassion and regret for this creature who loved her, and whose ardent loving had paved the way for an- other. In her weakness she could not part from the girl, not yet — there was something so strong about her. She seemed to combine the strength of a man with the gentler and more subtle strength of a woman. And thinking of the crude young animal Roger, with his brusque, rather brutal appeal to the senses, she was filled with a kind of regretful shame, and she hated herself for what the had done, and for what she well knew she would do again, because of that urge to passion. Feeling humble, she groped for the girl’s kind hand; then she tried to speak lightly: ‘ Would you always forgive this very miserable sinner, Stephen? ’ Stephen said, not apprehending her meaning, ‘ If our love is a sin, then heaven must be full of such tender and selfless sinning as ours.’ They sat down close together. They were weary unto death, and Angela whispered: ‘ Put your arms around me again — but gently, because I’m so tired. You’re a kind lover, Stephen — some times I think you’re almost too kind.’ THE WELL OF LONELINESS 201 And Stephen answered: ‘It’s not kindness that makes me unwilling to force you —I can’t conceive of that sort of love.’ Angela Crossby was silent. But now she was longing for the subtle easement of confes- sion, so dear to the soul of woman. Her self-pity was augmented by her sense of wrong-doing — she was thoroughly unstrung, almost ill with self-pity — so that lacking the courage to confess the present, she let her thoughts dwell on the past. Stephen had always forborne to question, and therefore that past had never been discussed, but now Angela felt a great need to discuss it. She did not analyse her feelings; she only knew that she longed intensely to humble herself, to plead for compassion, to wring from the queer, strong, sensitive being who loved her, some hope of ultimate forgiveness. At that moment, as she lay there in Stephen’s arms, the girl assumed an enormous importance. It was strange, but the very fact of betrayal appeared to have strengthened her will to hold her, and Angela stirred, so that Stephen said softly: * Lie still — I thought you were fast asleep.’ And Angela answered: ‘ No, I’m not asleep, dearest, I’ve been thinking. There are some things I ought to tell you. You’ve never asked me about my past life — why haven’t you, Stephen? ’ ‘ Because,’ said Stephen, ‘I knew that some day you’d tell me.

• From Summer Sisters (1998)

  Trisha SHE’D FUCKED UP TODAY, big time, taking her clothes off that way in front of the kid. No common sense. On the other hand, it was a nude beach. Why’d he take them to a nude beach if she wasn’t supposed to take off her clothes? What kind of sense did that make? No matter how hard she tries, she never gets it right with him. Fifteen years ago he’d chosen Phoebe instead of her. The money thing, she’s always thought. The family thing. She could have told him back then it would never work. Phoebe was used to getting whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. Oh sure, she’d played at their way of life, but she hadn’t really believed it would create a better world. Not that she believed it anymore either. But back then ... She’d arrived on island at eighteen, fresh out of Bridgeport, and she’d never left. Not like Phoebe, who’d dropped in for a summer, hooked Lamb, and took him away. After he’d split with Phoebe he’d come back and she’d cared for his little boy as if he were her own. Lambsey-Divey, she’d called him. Now they called him Sharkey and she was lucky if she saw him a couple of times every summer. She’s waited all these years for Lamb to get it through his head that they belong together, that she loves his kids as much as she loves him. But he has a new woman in his life, a woman he’s serious about. As if what they’ve had for all these years isn’t serious. She cried when he told her, cried and threatened to slit her wrists, but he’d held her, promised he’d always be her friend ... always be there for her. And he’d set her up in business, hadn’t he? Encouraged her to go out on her own with Trisha’s Melt-in-Your-Mouth Muffins, fresh-baked daily. Light. Fluffy. Not like those lead balls they sell at the Dog. All the best restaurants and shops in town are after her muffins now. She’s in her prime he told her. She’ll find someone else, someone to make her happy, someone to share her island life. So she hasn’t slit her wrists. She’s too busy baking. But, oh, she misses their lovemaking. How long since they’ve been together? Four months, two weeks, three days. Ever since he met the new woman. Fifteen years ago she’d thought they’d be together forever. Fifteen years ago she’d woven ribbons through her hair.

• From The Decameron (1353)

  After he had eaten, the monk laid hold of him anew and gave him another sound beating with the same rod; whereat Ferondo roared out lustily and said, 'Alack, why dost thou this to me?' Quoth the monk, 'Because thus hath God the Lord ordained that it be done unto thee twice every day.' 'And for what cause?' asked Ferondo. 'Because,' answered the monk, 'thou wast jealous, having the best woman in the country to wife.' 'Alas!' said Ferondo. 'Thou sayst sooth, ay, and the kindest creature; she was sweeter than syrup; but I knew not that God the Lord held it for ill that a man should be jealous; else had I not been so.' Quoth the monk, 'Thou shouldst have bethought thyself of that, whenas thou wast there below,[195] and have amended thee thereof; and should it betide that thou ever return thither, look thou so have in mind that which I do unto thee at this present that thou be nevermore jealous.' 'What?' said Ferondo. 'Do the dead ever return thither?' 'Ay,' answered the monk; 'whom God willeth.' 'Marry,' cried Ferondo, 'and I ever return thither, I will be the best husband in the world; I will never beat her nor give her an ill word, except it be anent the wine she sent hither this morning and for that she sent no candles, so it behoved me to eat in the dark.' 'Nay,' said the monk, 'she sent candles enough, but they were all burnt for the masses.' 'True,' rejoined Ferondo; 'and assuredly, an I return thither, I will let her do what she will. But tell me, who art thou that usest me thus?' Quoth the monk, 'I also am dead. I was of Sardinia and for that aforetime I much commended a master of mine of being jealous, I have been doomed of God to this punishment, that I must give thee to eat and drink and beat thee thus, till such time as God shall ordain otherwhat of thee and of me.' Then said Ferondo, 'Is there none here other than we twain?' 'Ay,' answered the monk, 'there be folk by the thousands; but thou canst neither see nor hear them, nor they thee.' Quoth Ferondo, 'And how far are we from our own countries?' 'Ecod,' replied the other, 'we are distant thence more miles than we can well cack at a bout.' 'Faith,' rejoined the farmer, 'that is far enough; meseemeth we must be out of the world, an it be so much as all that.' [Footnote 195: _i.e._ in the sublunary world.]

• From Beyond Respectability: The Intellectual Thought of Race Women (2017)

  Race women by and large agreed with this claim. Mary Church Terrell wrote that she regretted her inability to become a formidable fiction writer because she had “thought for years that the Race Problem could be solved more swiftly and more surely through the instrumentality of the short story or novel than in any other way.”34 For race women, race literature instantiated both a literary tradition and constituted the creation of an “intellectual history” for the race, by which the intellectual possibilities of African Americans would be judged. As Gertrude Bustill Mossell had been so keen to note just one year earlier in her book, Work of the Afro-American Woman, “the intellectual history of a race is always of value in determining the past and future of it.”35 Race women made “African American literary culture fundamental to the racial uplift agenda of social reform.”36 “When the literature of our race is developed, it will of necessity be different in all essential points of greatness, true heroism and real Christianity from what we may at the present time, for convenience, call American Literature,” Matthews made clear.37 This Race Literature, Matthews further argued, would also serve as “a counter-irritant against all such writing” that deliberately misrepresented Black women and Black people. It would have “as an aim the supplying of influential and accurate information, on all subjects relating to the Negro and his environments, to inform the American mind at least, for literary purposes.”38 Race literature did not merely have a political function, but rather an intellectual one to transform and reshape “the American mind,” and what Williams called “public opinion” regarding the Negro. Matthews’s speech was given at the first national gathering of African American women in 1895, and many of the themes it delineated further refined and clarified the intellectual concerns that drove the NACW’s intellectual agenda. In fact, she made sure to specifically address the role women would play in the creation of race literature. “Woman’s part in Race literature, as in Race building,” she proclaimed, “is to … receive impressions and transmit them.”39 Matthews invoked the sentimental discourse of impressibility to connect women’s role in race building to the production of race literature. Feminist theorist Kyla Schuller has recently excavated the significance of the discourse and theory of impressibility to nineteenth-century formulations of evolution. According to the “impression theory of sensation,” “the more refined and delicate the tissue, and by association the individual, the greater the organism’s capacity for impressibility. Heightened impressibility leads to growth and the acquisition of knowledge. Those of the higher classes, especially women, were thought to have highly responsive natures and a correlated delicacy that frequently threatened weakness.”40