Love

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  T 9 An Actor loved his Patron, even as a Flint Seller HERE WAS ONCE A CELEBRATED FEMALE character-actor named Sennojyo. He had made his first appearance on the Stage at the age of fourteen, and at forty- two years of age was Still so popular that people loved to see him portray feminine characters. His greatest success was in the drama called While going toward Kawashi to an assignation, which was performed for three years at Yedo. But one autumn an epidemic disease of the spinal marrow broke out in Yedo, and to this Sennojyo fell a victim. His back grew bent and deformed, and he altogether lost his grace of body. But he was gifted with high talent and intelligence, and did not lose his popularity because of his disease. Many employers even found it difficult to secure him for their comedies; for, when he was a little drunk, his cheeks became rosy, giving him such charm that many men fell in love with him. Several well-known priests lost their heads about him, and spent so much money to have him that they were obliged to sell the precious relics of their temples to gain an interview. Some of these were even so mad as to sell the holy trees of the sacred forests, for which they were driven from their temples and became beggars. Many clerks also spent their employers' money to see Sennojyo privately, and ruined their masters. Once, when he was Still young, Sennojyo took his diary from a little private chest. Its title was My experiences with many men, and it was a very interesting record. He Started to read it through. He had noted down in it all his impressions, from the very first day, of widely different people. Sometimes he would go to a samurai's room. By the mere caress of his hand he would soothe a demon in an angry man. He would make men of refinement or priests even out of farmers. In a word, he had treated each of his different patrons in the way most suitable to him. He shut the diary with a smile. But suddenly he thought of one of his patrons who had been most devoted to him. Sennojyo did not know where this man was. That evening a violent gale blew up, and snow began to fall. The mountains to the north of Kyoto were already white. A wretched-looking man was Standing under the Gojyo bridge. He lived on the bank of the river Kamo, and there he slept during the night. In the morning he gathered pebbles from the river Kurama and sold them in Kyoto for gun flints. Those that he had been unable to sell he threw away in the evening. His life under this bridge was very miserable. He had formerly been one of the rich men of the Province of Owari. He had been given over to male love.

• From The Letter to the Hebrews (The New Daily Study Bible) (2002)

  As a result, Amram had no contact with his wife, not because he did not love her, but because he wanted to spare her the sorrow of seeing her children killed. For three years they were apart, and then Miriam prophesied: ‘My parents shall have another son, who shall deliver Israel out of the hands of the Egyptians.’ She said to her father: ‘What have you done? You have sent your wife away out of your house, because you could not trust the Lord God that he would protect the child that might be born to you.’ So Amram, shamed into trusting God, took back his wife; and in due course Moses was born. He was so lovely a child that his parents determined to hide him in their house. This they did for three months. Then, according to the legend, the Egyptians struck upon a cruel scheme. The king was determined that hidden children should be sought out and killed. Now, when a child hears another child cry, the first child will cry too. So, Egyptian mothers were sent into the homes of the Israelites with their babies; there they pricked their babies until they cried. This made the hidden children of the Israelites cry, too, and so they were discovered and killed. In view of this, Amram and Jochebed decided to make a little ark and to entrust their child to it on the waters of the Nile. That Moses was born at all was an act of faith; that he was preserved was another. He began by being the child of faith . (2) The second act of faith was Moses’ loyalty to his own people. The story is told in Exodus 2:11–14. Again, the legends help to light up the picture. When Moses was entrusted to the waters of the Nile, he was found by the daughter of Pharaoh, whose name is given as Bithia, or more commonly Thermouthis. She was entranced by his beauty. Legend says that when she drew the ark out of the water, the archangel Gabriel boxed the ears of the little baby to make him cry so that the heart of Thermouthis might be touched as she saw the little face puckered in sorrow and the eyes full of tears. Thermouthis, much to her sorrow, was childless; so she took the baby Moses home, and cared for him as her own son. He grew to be so beautiful that people turned in the street, and even stopped their work, to look at him. He was so wise that he was far ahead of all other children in learning and in knowledge.

• From The Letter to the Hebrews (The New Daily Study Bible) (2002)

  A person who has never loved can never understand either the sudden glory or the aching loneliness in the lover’s heart. Before we can have sympathy, we must go through the same things that the other person has gone through – and that is precisely what Jesus did. (3) Because he sympathizes, Jesus can really help . He has met our sorrows; he has faced our temptations. As a result, he knows exactly what help we need; and he can give it. WHILE TODAY STILL LASTS Hebrews 3:7–19 So then, as the Holy Spirit says, ‘If today you will hear my voice, do not harden your hearts, as in the Provocation, as happened on the day of the Temptation in the wilderness, where your fathers tried to test me, and, in consequence, experienced for forty years what I could do. So my anger was kindled against that generation, and I said: “Always they wander in their hearts; they do not know my ways.” So I swore in my anger: “Very certainly they shall not enter into my rest.”’ Have a care, brothers, lest that evil and disobedient heart be in any of you in a state of rebellion against the living God. But keep on exhorting each other day by day, so long as the term ‘today’ can be used, lest any among you be hardened in heart by the seductiveness of sin; for you have become participators in Christ, if indeed you hold fast the beginning of your confidence firm to the end. While it is still possible to hear it being said, ‘If today you will hear my voice,’ do not harden your hearts as at the Provocation. For who heard and provoked God? Was it not all who came forth from Egypt under the leadership of Moses? Against whom was God’s anger kindled for forty years? Was it not against those who had sinned and whose bones lay in the desert? To whom did he swear that they should not enter into his rest, if not to those who were disobedient? Thus we see that it was through disobedience that they could not enter in. T HE writer to the Hebrews has just been attempting to prove the unique supremacy of Jesus, and now he replaces argument with exhortation. He presses upon his hearers the inevitable consequence of this unique supremacy. If Jesus is so uniquely great, it follows that complete trust and complete obedience must be given to him. If they harden their hearts and refuse to give him their obedient trust, the consequences are bound to be terrible.

• From The Letter to the Hebrews (The New Daily Study Bible) (2002)

  Time after time in the early Church, it happened. In a home, one partner became a Christian and the other did not; the children became Christians and the parents did not. The sword came down upon that home; and, unless there had been men and women who counted Christ dearer than all else, there would be no Christianity today. God must come first in our lives, or he comes nowhere. There is a story of two children who had been given a toy Noah’s Ark as a present. They had been listening to the Old Testament stories, and decided that they too would offer a sacrifice. They examined the animals in their toy ark and finally decided on a sheep with a broken leg . The only thing they would offer was a broken toy they could well do without. That is the way in which so many people would like to sacrifice to God; but only the dearest and the best is good enough for him. (2) Abraham is the model of the individual who accepts what is beyond understanding. To him there had come this incomprehensible demand. It did not make sense. The promise was that in Isaac his seed would grow and grow until he became a mighty nation in which all others would be blessed. On the life of Isaac depended the promise; and now God seemed to want to take that life away. As the fourth-century churchman John Chrysostom put it: ‘The things of God seemed to fight against the things of God, and faith fought with faith, and the commandment fought with the promise.’ For everyone at some time, there comes something for which there seems to be no reason and which defies explanation. It is then that we are faced with life’s hardest battle – to accept when we cannot understand. At such a time, there is only one thing to do – to obey and to do so without resentment, saying: ‘God, you are love! I build my faith on that.’ (3) Abraham is the model of the individual who, with the test, found a way of escape. If we take God at his word and stake everything on him, even when there seems to be nothing but a blank wall in front of us, the way of escape will open up. THE FAITH WHICH DEFEATS DEATH Hebrews 11:20–2 It was by faith that Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in the things concerning the future. It was by faith that Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph and prayed leaning on the head of his staff. It was by faith that Joseph, as he came to the end, had in his mind the days when the children of Israel would leave Egypt, and gave instructions concerning his bones.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  Korin smiled at him: 'I thank my Lord for wishing to take my life with his own hands, in memory of our past time. I am quite ready.'And he Stood up. Then the Lord cut off his left hand, and asked: 'How do you feel, Korin? 'Korin held out his right hand to be cut off also, and said: 'With this hand I caressed and loved my lover. You should hate this hand a great deal also.'

• From I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1969)

  He remained a mystery in my childhood. A man who owned his land and the big many-windowed house with a porch that clung to its sides all around the house. An independent Black man. A near anachronism in Stamps. Bailey was the greatest person in my world. And the fact that he was my brother, my only brother, and I had no sisters to share him with, was such good fortune that it made me want to live a Christian life just to show God that I was grateful. Where I was big, elbowy and grating, he was small, graceful and smooth. When I was described by our playmates as being shit color, he was lauded for his velvet-black skin. His hair fell down in black curls, and my head was covered with black steel wool. And yet he loved me. When our elders said unkind things about my features (my family was handsome to a point of pain for me), Bailey would wink at me from across the room, and I knew that it was a matter of time before he would take revenge. He would allow the old ladies to finish wondering how on earth I came about, then he would ask, in a voice like cooling bacon grease, “Oh Mizeriz Coleman, how is your son? I saw him the other day, and he looked sick enough to die.” Aghast, the ladies would ask, “Die? From what? He ain't sick.” And in a voice oilier than the one before, he'd answer with a straight face, “From the Uglies.” I would hold my laugh, bite my tongue, grit my teeth and very seriously erase even the touch of a smile from my face. Later, behind the house by the black-walnut tree, we'd laugh and laugh and howl. Bailey could count on very few punishments for his consistently outrageous behavior, for he was the pride of the Henderson/Johnson family. His movements, as he was later to describe those of an acquaintance, were activated with oiled precision. He was also able to find more hours in the day than I thought existed. He finished chores, homework, read more books than I and played the group games on the side of the hill with the best of them. He could even pray out loud in church, and was apt at stealing pickles from the barrel that sat under the fruit counter and Uncle Willie's nose.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  Itjikuro was touched by this love, and said to the father: 'If your son dies, I shall become a priest, that I may pray all my life for the safety of his soul. But I wish to see him before he dies. I should like to say good-bye to him before he leaves this world.' They entered the young man's room, and the weakened Jutaro at once sat upright on his bed, as soon as he saw him whom he loved. And he recovered immediately, and became as well as he had been before. Everybody was astonished at this thing. Jutaro said to Itjikuro: 'My body remained here, but my soul has been with you all the time. Perhaps you have not been aware of it. Lord, I love you. One night when you had gone into the inner room at Hiraisumi, after having visited the historic places of Takadatji, my soul slept with you in the same bed and loved you without speaking a word. Then I placed a little of my special incense in your sleeve. Have you it still?' Itjikuro took a piece of incense from his pocket and said: 'This is indeed Strange. I was glad to find this exquisite incense in my sleeve, but I could not explain whence it had come. Now I understand, and it is a miracle. I did not know that we had made a contract of love together.' The young boy replied: 'I wish to give you a proof of that contract which will make you believe me.'He took a broken piece of incense from his pocket and, putting the two pieces together, showed that they fitted exactly; also their perfume was the same. Itjikuro was then convinced, and they swore to love each other always, even in future existence. Itjikuro returned to his birth town, taking Jutaro on his horse, and the young boy's relations gladly agreed to give him to his lover. . . .

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  'Since I saw you my heart has not ceased to beat violently. When I am alone, flaming tears run down my cheeks. I am in actual agony; and my words in this letter are all confused. Your face and your whole person are so refined and elegant. I have heard it said that you arc the most splendid flower of the Western Provinces; but to me you seem the most precious jewel in the universe. For indeed your beauty exceeds all the flowers of the world. For me, you are as princely a beauty as the Empress Seishi, or the celebrated poetess Komachi, or the young Yukihira* or the new-born Nari-hira. I cannot forget you even in my sleep; and when I awake I am excruciated. I have prayed the god Fuyisaki to have pity on my unhappy love. I wish to drown myself in the river Kikutji, to put an end to my pain. I am ready to sacrifice my life for one evening's love with you. One evening of love with you is more precious than a thousand years of life. I shall gladly do all that you command me. I would rather have half an hour's life than drag out mere miserable existence for a hundred years. From morning to evening, by day and by night, your face does not leave me, and I endure a thousand deaths for love of you. I am wretched. I am cursed by a cruel Karma.' But, my dear friend, I am blessed rather than cursed. He has read my letter and sent me such a kind answer. Oh, how tender and sympathetic he is! I am happy and contented; I am the happiest man under the sun. I cannot speak enough of his kindness, for he is truly good. That is all that I can say now. Presently, as soon as he finds an opportunity, he is coming to spend a whole evening with me. All that troubles me is that the day is not yet fixed. I know that this waiting for the day is an agony which all lovers have to endure; and I comfort myself by telling myself so. I wish I could show you this noble young man. His name is Aineme Okayima. When he comes to see me, we shall drink wine together and have a pleasant conversation by ourselves. I should like the night to last for ever, and that the dawn should never come to put an end to our meeting. This is all that I can tell you at present: there is nothing further. I hope to be calmer and more balanced after seeing him. Till then, farewell, dear comrade, From your far-distant friend. [image file=image_rsrc1KS.jpg] 11 At Last Rewarded for his ConstancyWHEN HIDEYOSHI RULED JAPAN AFTER THE Ashikaya dynasty had died out, he lived at Fushimi; and all the Lords and Princes of all the Provinces of Japan were obliged to live near him.

• From How to Read the Bible and Still Be a Christian (2015)

  That required some explanation—be it an unbroken love or a contagious pathogen. A leader killed should have meant a movement dead. What about divine violence? Jesus’s nonviolent resistance, and that of his followers, was explicitly based on the character of God, and our call to be members of God’s Kingdom was seen as God’s Family: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain. . . . Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matt. 5:44–45, 48) For Jesus, seeing humans as God’s children derives from his fundamental vision of God as householder of the universal family in the world home. For example, in what some Christians call the Lord’s Prayer, the term “Father” (Matt. 6:9 = Luke 11:2) is a patriarchal presumption, and a cultural misnomer, for “householder.” For Jesus, therefore, nonviolent resistance to evil is divine before it is human and should be human because it is divine. All, both friends and enemies, both defenders and attackers, must receive love and prayer. All must get their fair share in a world of God’s single and universal family. That is how distributive justice works within a normal human family. It is not egalitarianism, but enough-ism . Third, with regard to potential martyrdom: Jesus did not take his Kingdom movement to Jerusalem that Passover to get himself killed. For that, he need not have left Galilee. But after the death of John, he knew the possibility, but not the certainty, of death. Jesus did not plan martyrdom through suicide-by-official. The evidence is that he hoped to avoid it, probably because every martyr needs a murderer, and martyrdom should never be willed or wanted—only accepted and endured. At the city gate and in the Temple plaza, his nonviolent demonstrations were protected by the “crowd” who followed him—despite and against their own authorities (Mark 10:46; 11:8–10, 18, 32; 12:12, 37). Furthermore, he left Jerusalem each night for the safety of Bethany (11:1, 11, 12, 19, 27; 14:3). By what we call Wednesday of Holy Week, the authorities had given up: “The chief priests and the scribes were looking for a way to arrest Jesus by stealth and kill him; for they said, ‘Not during the festival, or there may be a riot among the people’” (14:1–2). In other words, Jesus had almost gotten away with his action; but “stealth” arrest at night on his way to Bethany and a swift crucifixion prevailed—facilitated by either Judas’s treachery or Caiaphas’s spies. Finally, Jesus’s vision of God’s Kingdom is best seen in two parables—that is, stories that never happened as events in history but are profoundly true as symbols of vision and metaphors of content. The first parable illustrates that choice between Barabbas and Jesus (15:6–8).

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  There was a page named Ukyo-Itami, who served a Lord at Yedo. He was cultured and elegant, and so extremely beautiful that he troubled the eyes of those who looked at him. His master had another page named Uneme Mokawa, eighteen years of age, who also had great beauty and a countenance full of graces. Ukyo was so smitten with this other as almost to lose his senses, so moved was he by his virile loveliness. He suffered to such an extent from his love that he fell ill and had to take to his bed, where he sighed and moaned his unheard love in solitude. But he was very popular, and many people had pity on him and came to see him in his illness, to care for him and console him. One day his fellow-pages came to visit him, and among them was his beloved Uneme. At sight of him, Ukyo betrayed by his expression the sentiments which he felt for him, and the pages then guessed the secret of his illness. Samano suke Shiga, another page who was Uneme's lover, was also present, and was much moved at seeing the suffering of poor Ukyo. He Stayed with the invalid when the others went away, knelt down beside him and whispered: 'I am sure, dear Ukyo, that there is a grief in your soul. Open your heart to me who am your friend and love you very much. Do not keep any secret from me: you only torture yourself by keeping it. If you love any of the pages who were here just now, tell me frankly. I shall do my best to help you, Ukyo.' But the bashful Ukyo could not open his sick heart to him. He simply said: 'You are wrong, my Samanosuke, you are mistaken about me,' and, since Samanosuke insisted, he pretended to be asleep. Samanosuke went away. They caused two High Priests to pray for Ukyo's recovery, and after they had prayed without ceasing for two days and two nights Ukyo seemed better. Then Samanosuke again went secretly to Ukyo and said: 'Dear friend, write him a love-letter. I will give it to him without fail, and he shall at once send you a kind answer. I know whom you love so desperately, and you need not consider me in your passion. He and I are lovers, but I am quite ready to satisfy your desire, because of our long and sincere friendship, Ukyo.'

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  Crying plovers, Dishevelled wind. 79. Joy. Visitor this evening We run up the long corridor Clicking of clogs. Only one man, Only one person to be loved. I go back to my room, Retreat, honour, Lacquered pillow, Silence. I hear the watchman's rattle, Laughter in the next room. 80. Under Snow. Flowers under the snow Scarcely betray their colour. We meet and she smiles and is silent. 'If I must die/ she is thinking, 'I will die of love As the snow dies.' 81. Before my Birds. I moan for love Before my birds. They also are in a cage. My small complaints Are sorry like mouse cries. The birds hop forward to tease me And I like it, Being so shut in. The sake is cold Because my torment Makes me inefficient. There is such a thing as great grief, Such a thing as Being shut in. 82. Getting out of Bed. He rises and goes. There are Rather dark clouds. Shall I be noisy cricket Or firefly burning in silence, Dumb grief or tearful parting? And when I think we might Never have met, Been utter Strangers. 83. Spring Branches. Spring flowers at the branch end Over the water. Love is very deep, Their reflection is very deep. I had to wet my sleeves To gather them, And I want to go on Wetting, wetting, wetting my sleeves. 84. First Snow. This first snow Is very white Like first love. My maid asks from the doorstep: 'Where shall I throw The tea-leaves?' 85. Bed. Under the unnecessarily large Mosquito curtain My little heart Is fiercer than a nightlight. 86. Then. The flowers come to blossom, then We look at the flowers, then They wither, then

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  It was the seven-teenth day of the moon in the seventeenth year of Kanyei (A. D. 1641). All the samurai of the guard were in a State of deep fatigue, and were sleeping. Ukyo put on a thin silk garment as white as snow, with a splendid skirt. He perfumed himself more than ordinarily so as to be pure, for he had determined to die after having killed his two enemies. He put two swords in the girdle which encircled his hips, and crossed through the halls of the palace. Since he was in the habit of doing this every evening, the guards let him pass without questioning. Shyuzen was on guard that night in one of the rooms. He was leaning against a screen pictured with hawks, and was looking at his fan. Ukyo rushed upon him and thrust his sword deep into his right shoulder as far as his breast. But Shyuzen was a brave and Strong man. With his left hand he seized his own sword and defended himself bravely. Yet he was losing blood and getting weak, and finally he fell, cursing Ukyo. Ukyo finished him with two more sword thrusts; then he went in search of Shyusaï. But the guards had been aroused by the noise of the Struggle, and had lit lamps in the rooms. They arrested Ukyo, and their captain led him before the Lord, who was much disturbed and very angry. He spoke harshly to Ukyo and said to him: 'What reason had you for killing Shyuzen? You deserve severe punishment for having thus troubled my palace in the night with your crime. Confess your reason for having killed him.' But Ukyo kept silent. He was brought before the Chief Judge, Tonomo Tokumatsu, who examined him; and Ukyo confessed. When the Lord was informed of this, he grew calm and ordered Ukyo to be kept in a room in the palace, where he was treated with respect. Shyuzen's father was one of the Lord's hereditary courtiers. He was so outraged by the crime committed against his son that he swore to die by Hara-kiri on the same spot where his son had fallen. His mother also was a favourite of the Princess, the Lord's wife. She used to take part in the Princess's poetical gatherings. All night, with bare feet, she wept and mourned her son's death. She besought the Princess to Comrade-Love of the Samurai punish the murderer, saying: 'If the Lord pardons the murderer, there is no law or justice in the world.' Accordingly the Lord grudgingly resolved to condemn Ukyo to die by Hara-kiri. Shyusaï, who had carried the message to Shyuzen, contrived his own death also. Uneme had at that time received leave of absence from his master to visit his mother at Kanagawa, and did not know that Ukyo had been condemned to death. But Samanosuke wrote to him to say that Ukyo was to kill himself next morning at the Keiyoji temple at Asakusa.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  2 All Comrade-Lovers die by Hara-kiri T HE FAIREST PLANTS AND TREES MEET THEIR death because of the marvel of their flowers. And it is the same with humanity: any men perish because they are too beautiful. There was a page named Ukyo-Itami, who served a Lord at Yedo. He was cultured and elegant, and so extremely beautiful that he troubled the eyes of those who looked at him. His master had another page named Uneme Mokawa, eighteen years of age, who also had great beauty and a countenance full of graces. Ukyo was so smitten with this other as almost to lose his senses, so moved was he by his virile loveliness. He suffered to such an extent from his love that he fell ill and had to take to his bed, where he sighed and moaned his unheard love in solitude. But he was very popular, and many people had pity on him and came to see him in his illness, to care for him and console him. One day his fellow-pages came to visit him, and among them was his beloved Uneme. At sight of him, Ukyo betrayed by his expression the sentiments which he felt for him, and the pages then guessed the secret of his illness. Samano suke Shiga, another page who was Uneme's lover, was also present, and was much moved at seeing the suffering of poor Ukyo. He Stayed with the invalid when the others went away, knelt down beside him and whispered: 'I am sure, dear Ukyo, that there is a grief in your soul. Open your heart to me who am your friend and love you very much. Do not keep any secret from me: you only torture yourself by keeping it. If you love any of the pages who were here just now, tell me frankly. I shall do my best to help you, Ukyo.' But the bashful Ukyo could not open his sick heart to him. He simply said: 'You are wrong, my Samanosuke, you are mistaken about me,' and, since Samanosuke insisted, he pretended to be asleep. Samanosuke went away. They caused two High Priests to pray for Ukyo's recovery, and after they had prayed without ceasing for two days and two nights Ukyo seemed better. Then Samanosuke again went secretly to Ukyo and said: 'Dear friend, write him a love-letter. I will give it to him without fail, and he shall at once send you a kind answer. I know whom you love so desperately, and you need not consider me in your passion. He and I are lovers, but I am quite ready to satisfy your desire, because of our long and sincere friendship, Ukyo.' Then Ukyo took courage and wrote a letter with trembling hand, and entrusted it to Samanosuke. When Samanosuke reached the palace he met Uneme, who was looking in silence at the flowers in the garden.

• From The Pisces (2018)

  We looked in each other’s eyes as we moved. I felt that we were creating something together. The sounds I was making became primal and real. But then I felt him in me just a little less, then almost not at all. Somehow he had gotten soft. He pulled out and jerked it a little. He looked ashamed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Sometimes I just get nervous the first time with a new person. It’s the pressure. But you feel so good and are really gorgeous. I want to give you so much pleasure. I want to make you feel so much.” He pulled out of me and wriggled down my body. His desire to get me off made up for him having lost his hard-on. I let myself go completely, like when we were on the rocks. I focused only on the feeling and not on anything else. This time when I came I did not come for the gods or the stars, but only for him. I called out his name as I came into his mouth. I came for so long I felt suspended in time or air or space, as though the divisions between seconds had been obliterated. Afterward, as my pussy settled, he kept his face down there, his cheek resting on my inner right thigh. I could feel us attaching and knew that any chance of breaking apart from him emotionally was not possible. I was his now. 37.I read somewhere that it takes women one and a half fucks to get attached—that it happens in the middle of the second fuck. Now I knew this was true of pussy eating too. Theo lay with his head in my lap and I gently tickled his face. Then I heard Dominic barking from the other room. “Do you want to meet the dog?” “I don’t,” he said. “Also, I should probably be getting back soon.” “What do you have to get back for? What if you just stay here with me a little longer,” I said, tousling his hair. “How about you come into the ocean and stay with me forever?” he said, smiling. “I would get too cold,” I said. “But I’m coming to see you as much as I can. I want to come see you all the time. When can I see you again?” Now it wasn’t enough just to be with him. I felt that he was already gone even though he was right there. I could see past his body to his absence, feel him slipping away, as though he flashed back and forth between here and gone like a strobe. I was already worried for that moment when he would be gone. What would it take for him to be enough? Even if I were to cook him up and eat him, fry his deliciousness with butter and a bib, swallow him up and digest him inside me, it still wouldn’t be enough. “Soon,” he said.

• From The Pisces (2018)

  When I got back to the house I didn’t wash or bandage the cut. I wanted him to see what happened—to know that I hurt myself and needed to be taken care of. Even though he was entering my world, it wasn’t all easy for me. I was making sacrifices and taking risks too. He wasn’t the only one for whom this was difficult. I’ve always felt that injuries are a bit romantic, in the sense that you’re forced to be vulnerable and have someone else take care of you. I wanted to stay vulnerable. I wondered if he would suck the blood out of the wound like a vampire, the same way he wanted to lick my menstrual blood. Of course, he wasn’t a vampire, he was some other kind of mythic creature, but it didn’t matter. Even if he had legs, no tail, and was a real vampire, I wouldn’t care. I would put my knee to his mouth and say, “Drink, please. I hope you enjoy it.” I wanted him to help heal and soothe me, even if it meant consuming me away. I realized I was tired. I couldn’t be more tired. Dominic was already whimpering. I guess he could smell Theo on me. “It’s time to take a nap now,” I said, and got the tranquilizers from the cupboard. I didn’t know how I would explain to my sister where all of the tranquilizers had gone. Maybe she wouldn’t notice or maybe she would think that I had taken them. Perhaps I could score some more tranquilizers to give to him, or go to the vet and get more. Maybe a different vet so that no one would know what was happening. I gave him the tranquilizers in a pill pocket and put his head on my lap. “Nothing is beautiful and everything is nothing,” I said to him. “Everything is nothing and everything is beautiful.” I had no idea what I was talking about but I felt hypnotized with joy and potentiality. When his sighs deepened, I closed the pantry door and tiptoed away. Walking back across the beach with the wagon, I was limping. This is how we get injured for love, I thought. This is how love can hurt us. I felt great and noble, like a woman coming to claim her man in battle, or perhaps a man who was coming to rescue his woman. I had to be the rescuer, because he was more handicapped than I was. His legs were in worse shape than mine. At least mine could move on earth. Why was I even comparing the two of us? Was this a competition, a competition for pain? Besides, when he was licking me he was entirely my rescuer. He was strong in his softness. We could take turns.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  Formerly I had become very weary of the luxurious and artificial life of our capital; but at that moment, in this distant country, I felt a temptation which disturbed all the peace of my spirit. My soul was quite thrown into confusion, and my heart began, to beat violently with desire. When the High Priest left the temple after his prayer, I watched the page from behind a screen, and my love grew with each minute. I asked my friend who this beautiful page was, and he told me that he was the second son of a noble family, whose parents had entrusted him to the High Priest because he wished to become a priest and to renounce the pleasures of this world. My love became so violent that it seemed to me that my soul was breaking into a thousand pieces; and it was, indeed, torn. I lost my calm, and in vain gravely reproached myself. I could not forget this beautiful young man. At last in despair, without caring what my friend thought, I wrote the page a love-letter, pleading the cause of my despairing soul. I hoped to gain a little peace if he should only know of my love, without going nearly so far as to return it. This is what I wrote:' DEAR AND ROYAL LORD, I saw you yesterday evening when you were crossing the garden in the High Priest's train, and was moved by your beauty. You are so lovely that the most famous beauties of China, such as Taitjio and Token, the fairest young men there, or Hi or the Empress Yo cannot excel you. I am a priest, but, alas! I have also the passions of a man, and I confess that I love you with all my being. Lord, I am a humble and insignificant priest, passing through this Province: you are of a noble family. To aspire to your love is, for me, as impossible and unfeasible as to climb up a ladder to heaven. I admit that it is impudent of me even to love you; but I write to you because I hope to win some satisfaction and contentment by simply letting you know that I do so. I am like a fly in a spider's web, I am helpless. I bring you my heart in these clumsy words. 'Since I saw you my heart has not ceased to beat violently. When I am alone, flaming tears run down my cheeks. I am in actual agony; and my words in this letter are all confused. Your face and your whole person are so refined and elegant. I have heard it said that you arc the most splendid flower of the Western Provinces; but to me you seem the most precious jewel in the universe. For indeed your beauty exceeds all the flowers of the world.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  But since they could not meet openly, because of the Lord, they waited for a suitable opportunity. It was the custom to give the palace a thorough cleaning on the thirteenth of December, and for the courtiers to change their old clothes for new and spotless garments. On that day, following a plan conceived by Korin's servant, Sohatjiro was introduced into the palace in a big bamboo basket, in which Korin had already sent some new soft robes to his mother. They succeeded in carrying Sohatjiro into the room adjoining the Lord's bedroom. Korin pretended that he had pains in the stomach, and kept the screen doors well oiled so as to be able to open them easily in the night. The first time Korin went out of the room, the Lord complained of the noise he made; but, as the night advanced, the latter fell into a deep sleep and started to snore very loudly. Then Korin, thinking that the moment had come when he might join his love, crept into the next room. The two lovers embraced and swore a faithful and changeless love until their deaths. They spoke very quietly, in a whisper, of their amorous pleasures; but by ill luck it happened that the Lord was wakened by their voices. He shouted: 'There is someone in the next room, and he shall not escape.'He grasped a spear, which was renting against his pillow, and rushed upon Sohatjiro as he turned to run away. But Korin seized him by the sleeve and said: 'It is not worthy of you, Lord, to agitate yourself in this way. Be caI beg you. There was no one here but I. I was only uttering certain complaints because of my pain. Forgive me, Lord, for having disturbed your sleep.' At that moment Sohatjiro Started to climb over the wall by the help of a large branch, and the Lord saw him. He Sternly questioned Korin; but the other denied everything. Then, since he had great love for Korin, the Lord thought that this was perhaps another evil badger haunting the garden, and he calmed himself. But one of the sentinels, Shinroku Kanai, came and said to the Lord: 'I saw the track of a man in this room, and himself with my own eyes in the garden. His hair was disordered and his actions were Strange. It must be Korin's secret lover. I advise the Lord to watch Korin.'But Korin answered bravely: 'My dear one has given me his life. He is my faithful lover. Even if I must die, I will not tell his name. I have already said this many times to my Lord.'He was calm and serene. Two days later Korin was led into the guard-room of the palace, and the Lord said to him: 'I myself will execute you, Korin, as a warning to my courtiers not to deceive me. Prepare to die.'And he took a halberd in his hands.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  There was a certain samurai named Senzayemon Sasamura, a junior officer charged with the defence of the frontiers of the Province. No one took much notice of him. However, he loved Tamanosuke, though he had no means of sending him a message of love. He was waiting a favourable opportunity to declare his passion to him. When he learned of Tamanosuke's serious illness, he felt that he would not survive him if he should die. Every morning he went to Tamanosuke's house and wrote his name on the register in the vestibule, like all the other samurai. He came again in the afternoon and in the evening after his supper to inquire after him. In this way he made three visits every day for six months. Tamanosuke recovered. He washed himself in a bath and carefully shaved himself. After a meticulous toilet he went to the Lord to announce his recovery, and to thank him for the kindness he had shown to him while he was ill. Then he visited all those who had been good to him, and, after his round of visits, returned home. Finally, he told Kakubel to bring him the register of visitors, and there he saw the name of Senzayemon Sasamura, and noticed that he had been three times a day from the beginning of his illness. He asked Kakubel who this Senzayemon might be, and Kakubel answered: 'He is not very well known. He must be an inferior samurai. He seemed to be really anxious about you. When I told him that my master was better, his face quite brightened; but when I told him that the illness was getting worse, he grew pale and was overcome with distress. He was different from the ordinary visitors.' Tamanosuke said: 'He is a very faithful individual, although I have never seen him.' And he went at once to Senzayemon's house, although it was far enough away, and said to the servant: 'I have come to thank Senzayemon for his kindness during my illness.' Senzayemon ran joyfully to him and said: 'How good you are to have come so far to thank me for my insignificant actions. I am quite confused by your visit, Lord. But your health is not yet Strong, and the evening air is fresh. I beg you to return to your house and take care of yourself.' Tamanosuke answered: 'The world is so vain and uncertain, and man is like the momentary gleam of a light. In the morning we do not know surely if we shall live till the evening. I beg you to let me come in; I have a private matter to discuss with you.' Senzayemon led him to his room, and then Tamanosuke said to him: 'I am truly grateful for your devotion during my long illness. Forgive me for saying it frankly, but if you love me, humble as I am, I have come to be loved by you this evening, Senzayemon.'

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  One day, as he was walking in the quarter of the samurai, he saw the dog which had visited him sleeping in front of the door of a house. A passer-by told him that this was the house of Shibei Okasaki, one of the Lord's chief officers. Then Inosuke remembered that Shibei had at one time vowed an ardent love for him. Inosuke had not forgotten him, even when he was loved by his Lord, and he thought: 'I must never forget what he did for me during my long disgrace. I could not repay, even by giving my life for him. Should anything happen to him, I swear upon my honour as a samurai that I shall help him with my death.' That evening Inosuke sent for Shibei, and, when the latter arrived, thanked him with tears. After his mother had retired to her room, Inosuke and Shibei had a very pleasant and cordial conversation. Inosuke asked how the dog had known the house and the hole to come in by, and Shibei answered: 'When you were in this Province with your master, I could not restrain my love for you, and used to walk before your house nearly every night. But I dared not see you, because you were our Lord's favourite. I only Stood outside and tried to satisfy my burning love by the sight of you or the sound of your voice. My dog followed me every night, and thus he learned to know your house, and I was able to send him to help you.' Inosuke blushed with pleasure at Shibei's devotion, and confessed: 'It grieves me much that I was unable to return your love at that time; but my Lord loved me. Now I am free to love you; but I am no longer the pretty page I was when you cared for me so deeply. I am now a faded flower. But why regret the past? I have become a samurai, and am no longer a page; but I have the same heart for you. Love me, if you can feel the same ardency as before. I shall be happy to be loved by you.' And Inosuke put on his old page's dress with long sleeves, although it was not suitable for a grown man, for he wished to recall past days. They spent the night together in his room, and in their love murmurings Inosuke said to Shibei: I am only twenty-one years old, 'although he was really twenty-two. A samurai ought never to dissemble, but Inosuke must be excused for his lie, since he was truly in love with his former admirer and could not tell the truth about his age. Even a brave and valiant samurai grows weak when he loves; for love is the greatest power of all and governs this world.

• From Comrade Loves of the Samurai (1972)

  One day, as he was walking in the quarter of the samurai, he saw the dog which had visited him sleeping in front of the door of a house. A passer-by told him that this was the house of Shibei Okasaki, one of the Lord's chief officers. Then Inosuke remembered that Shibei had at one time vowed an ardent love for him. Inosuke had not forgotten him, even when he was loved by his Lord, and he thought: 'I must never forget what he did for me during my long disgrace. I could not repay, even by giving my life for him. Should anything happen to him, I swear upon my honour as a samurai that I shall help him with my death.' That evening Inosuke sent for Shibei, and, when the latter arrived, thanked him with tears. After his mother had retired to her room, Inosuke and Shibei had a very pleasant and cordial conversation. Inosuke asked how the dog had known the house and the hole to come in by, and Shibei answered: 'When you were in this Province with your master, I could not restrain my love for you, and used to walk before your house nearly every night. But I dared not see you, because you were our Lord's favourite. I only Stood outside and tried to satisfy my burning love by the sight of you or the sound of your voice. My dog followed me every night, and thus he learned to know your house, and I was able to send him to help you.' Inosuke blushed with pleasure at Shibei's devotion, and confessed: 'It grieves me much that I was unable to return your love at that time; but my Lord loved me. Now I am free to love you; but I am no longer the pretty page I was when you cared for me so deeply. I am now a faded flower. But why regret the past? I have become a samurai, and am no longer a page; but I have the same heart for you. Love me, if you can feel the same ardency as before. I shall be happy to be loved by you.' And Inosuke put on his old page's dress with long sleeves, although it was not suitable for a grown man, for he wished to recall past days. They spent the night together in his room, and in their love murmurings Inosuke said to Shibei: I am only twenty-one years old, 'although he was really twenty-two. A samurai ought never to dissemble, but Inosuke must be excused for his lie, since he was truly in love with his former admirer and could not tell the truth about his age. Even a brave and valiant samurai grows weak when he loves; for love is the greatest power of all and governs this world. Songs of the Geishas