Hope

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (2007)

  [image "The scene depicts a person standing at a signpost featuring four directional signs labeled ‘REZ’, ‘HOPE’, ‘HOME’, and ‘Unknown’. Nearby, a moose grazes or stands alert, while a cozy house is visible amidst a backdrop of trees." file=image_rsrc4S0.jpg] Go Means Go [image file=image_rsrc4RJ.jpg] After Mr. P left, I sat on the porch for a long time and thought about my life. What the heck was I supposed to do? I felt like life had just knocked me on my ass. I was so happy when Mom and Dad got home from work. “Hey, little man,” Dad said. “Hey, Dad, Mom.” “Junior, why are you looking so sad?” Mom asked. She knew stuff. I didn’t know how to start, so I just started with the biggest question. [image "A hand-drawn illustration depicts a simple illustration of a pair of buttock with a bruise. A handwritten text that reads ‘all ass-kicking bruises look like Texas’." file=image_rsrc4S1.jpg] “Who has the most hope?” I asked. Mom and Dad looked at each other. They studied each other’s eyes, you know, like they had antennas and were sending radio signals to each other. And then they both looked back at me. “Come on,” I said. “Who has the most hope?” “White people,” my parents said at the same time. That’s exactly what I thought they were going to say, so I said the most surprising thing they’d ever heard from me. “I want to transfer schools,” I said. “You want to go to Hunters?” Mom said. It’s another school on the west end of the reservation, filled with poor Indians and poorer white kids. Yes, there is a place in the world where the white people are poorer than the Indians. “No,” I said. “You want to go to Springdale?” Dad asked. It’s a school on the reservation border filled with the poorest Indians and poorer-than-poorest white kids. Yes, there is a place in the world where the white people are even poorer than you ever thought possible. “I want to go to Reardan,” I said. Reardan is the rich, white farm town that sits in the wheat fields exactly twenty-two miles away from the rez. And it’s a hick town, I suppose, filled with farmers and rednecks and racist cops who stop every Indian that drives through. During one week when I was little, Dad got stopped three times for DWI: Driving While Indian. But Reardan has one of the best small schools in the state, with a computer room and huge chemistry lab and a drama club and two basketball gyms. The kids in Reardan are the smartest and most athletic kids anywhere. They are the best. “I want to go to Reardan,” I said again. I couldn’t believe I was saying it. For me, it seemed as real as saying, “I want to fly to the moon.” “Are you sure?” my parents asked. “Yes,” I said. “When do you want to go?” my parents asked. “Right now,” I said. “Tomorrow.”

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  In other words, was I being set up to idealize him as the perfect therapist, the only one who could heal me? General Matters to Keep in Mind• Trust your own judgment. You have the right not to trust immediately. Trust needs to be earned; there are no shortcuts. • Interview several therapists. After all, you don't buy the first car or stereo system you look at. • Get information and/or referrals from friends, other former members, ICSA, and such agencies as rape crisis centers (the latter generally know therapists skilled in dealing with trauma issues). • You can stop therapy any time you want. Therapy is for you, not the therapist. • Touching is a highly personal issue. Some therapists will hug a client. If you'd like a hug, you should initiate this action, not the therapist. Touching should be discussed openly, early in therapy. If touching makes you feel uncomfortable, say something right away. • It is never okay to be touched on the chest, genitals, or anyplace else that makes you uncomfortable. • It is important that the therapist interact with you during the session, but without telling you what to do. Taking ActionWhen you begin to think of yourself as a victor over your negative experiences rather than a victim of them, you arrive at an empowering stage in your healing process. At this stage, you are meeting the great challenge of turning a negative and harmful experience into a positive and strengthening one. Some people at this stage become able to take an activist stance. ActivismIf and when you are ready for it, you can use your newfound freedom and understanding to educate and help others. Telling others about cults in general and/or your personal experience in particular can be an excellent and constructive way of channeling your anger. Many high schools and colleges, hospitals and clinics, churches, synagogues, parent and educational associations, business groups and clubs, and youth groups look for speakers to talk about cults. Writing about your experience and having it published can also be truly rewarding. Writing letters to the editors of local papers or to your government representatives helps solidify your own understanding as you educate and warn others of the problems that cults can create. If you know of organizations that may have inadvertently allowed cultic groups to use their facilities for meetings or other purposes, you can call or write someone in charge. A number of cult groups, for example, meet at local libraries, schools, churches, and other places with meeting halls. Perhaps you have information that will encourage these organizations to reconsider this use of their space. If you are considering contacting someone by phone or letter, be sure to have solid, verifiable information. You do not want to make false or libelous claims. If you are not certain of either your facts or your rights, consult a lawyer. Another way to become active is to support others who are leaving a cult.

• From Emotional Inheritance (2022)

  For years, we were used to accepting genetic heritage as fate. Biologists believed that environmental factors had little, if any, effect on DNA and that therefore psychological growth was separated from our genetic legacy. These days, the field of epigenetics gives us another framework for understanding how nature and nurture intermingle and how we respond to the environment on a molecular level. It emphasizes that genes have a “memory” that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The implications for this new research are bidirectional: we realize that trauma can be transmitted to the next generation but also that psychological work can alter and modify the biological effects of trauma. Stephen Stahl, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, argues that psychotherapy can be conceptualized as an “epigenetic drug” since it changes the circuitry of the brain in a manner similar to or complementary to drugs. Our hope lies in the understanding that our emotional work has a profound effect on who we, our children, and our grandchildren will become. Trauma is transmitted through our minds and through our bodies, but so are resilience and healing. The next generations carry not only the despair of the past, but also hope, because their mere existence is evidence that their family survived and that a future is possible. Reliving our ancestors’ pain allows us to reference the traumatic past as a way to imagine a possible future, a trajectory from chaos to order, from helplessness to agency, and from destruction to re-creation. In that sense, our work is a way to process and recall past liberation, and also look forward to future redemption. When we can learn to identify the emotional inheritance that lives within us, things start to make sense and our lives begin to change. Slowly, a door opens, a gateway between present life and past trauma. On our way to healing, that which seemed impossible now becomes tangible, the pain diminishes, and a new path appears—to love. AcknowledgmentsThis book is dedicated to the memory of Lewis Aron, whose devoted love, incredible wisdom, and constant support are always with me. My enormous gratitude goes to my patients, those whom I’ve written about and those whose stories are carried in my heart. Thank you for teaching me so much about the human mind and about myself. The patients whose stories are in this book helped me to alter the details and disguise their identities. Thank you for inviting me to join your journeys, for trusting me to write your stories, and for reading those chapters with so much insight and generosity.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I said - because I thought it would please her - that I might need some instruction, in the ins and outs of the Woman Question.At that she snorted, and gave me another knowing look; though what it was she thought she knew, I wasn’t sure. She did, however, agree to meet me - with a warning that I must not let her down. I said there was not a chance of it, held out my hand; and for a second felt her fingers, very firm and warm in their grey linen glove, clasp my own.It was only after we had parted that I realised we had not exchanged names; but by then she had turned the corner of Green Street, and was gone. But I had, as a piece of secret knowledge from our earlier, darker encounter, her own romantic christian name, at least. And besides, I knew I should be seeing her again within the week. Chapter 10 [image "015" file=wate_9781101078198_oeb_015_r1.jpg] The days that week grew ever warmer, until at last even I began to tire of the heat. All London longed for a break in the weather; and on Thursday evening, when it finally came, crowds took to the streets of the city in sheer relief.I was amongst them. For two days almost I had kept indoors in a kind of hot stupor, drinking endless cups of lemonade with Mrs Milne and Gracie in their darkened parlour, or dozing naked on my bed with the windows thrown open and the curtains pulled. Now the promise of a night of chilly liberty on the swarming, gaudy streets of the West End drew me like a magnet. My purse, too, was almost empty - and I was mindful of the supper I would have to take care of, with Florence, the following night. So I needed, I thought, to cut something of a dash. I washed, and combed my hair flat and brilliant with macassar; and when I dressed I put on my favourite costume - the guardsman’s uniform, with its brass buttons and its piping, its scarlet jacket and its neat little cap.I hardly ever wore this outfit.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Across several past longitudinal studies in which we’d asked people to provide daily reports of their emotions, we’d never seen improvements simply due to the act of regularly reflecting on feelings. But in this study, we did. The only difference was that we’d added the social connection questions. With these two questions added to the very end of the daily report form, upward spirals emerged for our control participants as well. Even more remarkable, increased feelings of social connection forecast changes in the functioning of people’s physical hearts, as registered by increases in their vagal tone. If it weren’t for this pronounced effect, we might have dismissed the result as mere wishful thinking or the possibility that our study participants simply got wind of our interests (in social connection and positive emotions) and told us (through their daily reports) what they thought we wanted to hear. Yet the fact that reflecting on social connection appeared to penetrate the body to affect enduring heart rhythms made us take a closer look. This surprise finding inspired a key part of my student Bethany Kok’s dissertation. To gather definitive data on whether the one-minute thought exercise of considering how “close” and “in tune” people feel when interacting with others in fact generates important emotional and biological changes, Bethany randomly assigned working adults to reflect daily either on their social connections in this manner or on the three tasks on which they spent the most time that day and to evaluate how “useful” and “important” those tasks had felt to them. Remarkably, here again, we observed increases in day-to-day positive emotions and end-of-study vagal tone, but only in the group assigned to reflect on social connections. Clearly something powerful was embedded within this simple thought exercise. Bethany and I suspect that the real active ingredient runs deeper than merely the end-of-the-day reflection. We speculate that the daily question serves as a subtle cue that reminds people that each of their social interactions is indeed an opportunity for something more than just an exchange of goods or information. With this in mind, people may begin to approach each interaction with a bit more presence, aiming to cultivate heartfelt connection rather than miss out on it. This speculation merits direct test, because it’s also possible that people don’t change their behaviors at all, but simply become more sensitive to the positive connections that already exist for them, more likely to notice and prioritize them. I encourage you to try this exercise out for yourself.

• From Wild (2012)

  I could feel it unspooling behind me—the old thread I’d lost, the new one I was spinning—while I hiked that morning, the snowy peaks of the High Sierras coming into occasional view. As I walked, I didn’t think of those snowy peaks. Instead, I thought of what I would do once I arrived at the Kennedy Meadows General Store that afternoon, imagining in fantastic detail the things I would purchase to eat and drink—cold lemonade and candy bars and junk food I seldom ate in my regular life. I pictured the moment when I would lay hands on my first resupply box, which felt to me like a monumental milestone, the palpable proof that I’d made it at least that far. Hello, I said to myself in anticipation of what I’d say once I arrived at the store, I’m a PCT hiker here to pick up my box. My name is Cheryl Strayed. Cheryl Strayed, Cheryl Strayed, Cheryl Strayed—those two words together still rolled somewhat hesitantly off my tongue. Cheryl had been my name forever, but Strayed was a new addition—only officially my name since April, when Paul and I had filed for divorce. Paul and I had taken on each other’s last names when we married, and our two names became one long four-syllable name, connected by a hyphen. I never liked it. It was too complicated and cumbersome. Seldom did anyone manage to get it right, and even I stumbled over it a good portion of the time. Cheryl Hyphen-Hyphen, an old grumpy man I briefly worked for called me, flummoxed by my actual name, and I couldn’t help but see his point. In that uncertain period when Paul and I had been separated for several months but were not yet sure we wanted to get divorced, we sat down together to scan a set of no-fault, do-it-yourself divorce documents we’d ordered over the phone, as if holding them in our hands would help us decide what to do. As we paged through the documents, we came across a question that asked the name we’d each have after the divorce. The line beneath the question was perfectly blank. On it, to my amazement, we could write anything. Be anyone. We laughed about it at the time, making up incongruous new names for ourselves—names of movie stars and cartoon characters and strange combinations of words that weren’t rightly names at all.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  You need not like or even try every practice I describe. Indeed, I suspect that you won’t. Yet please be open to experimenting. Take time to observe how the practices affect you and your interactions with others. Find one or more practices that really resonate for you. Then, identify a recurring daily event that can serve as your cue to engage in each chosen practice. “If I’m walking from my car into work,” for instance, “then I’ll practice celebratory love.” Study after study shows that making concrete “if . . . then” plans like this dramatically increases people’s success at self-change. Consider, too, whether you might benefit from making your self-reflections more formal, by using the positivity tracking tools I’ve made available on the website that accompanies this book, at www.PositivityResonance.com. In any case, be ready to see changes. Your potential for love is virtually unbounded. I see at least two reasons for this. First, positive emotions are ubiquitous. Despite the hardwired human habit of scanning current circumstances for sources of danger and negativity, positive emotions are what most people feel most frequently. This tendency toward positivity reflects the reassuring fact that most moments are indeed benign. Right in this moment, for instance, as you are reading this sentence, I suspect that you’re sitting fairly comfortably and that no one is inserting pins into your eyes. So what’s not to like about the present moment? Relax and enjoy it. Look around and you’ll come to realize that you can increase your ratio of positive to negative emotions even further by becoming more attuned to the sources of positive emotion in your midst, be they a welcomed sense of safety, a shimmer of beauty, or a small gesture of kindness. The second reason your potential for love is nearly limitless is that social interactions are also ubiquitous. Like bees and ants, we humans are ultrasocial creatures. Your life is embedded within increasingly vast networks of relationships, social ties, and broader communities. Just count up the number of people you see or communicate with on any given day. Your tally includes not only family and friends after all but also team members and other work associates, neighbors, and acquaintances, the employees and fellow customers at any business you happen to visit, and more. Love can infuse and nourish all of these connections—even whole networks of people—just as it infuses and nourishes your own body and mind.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Cult groups may suit and attract gifted people because cults promise a better world. Certain groups (particularly groups based on Eastern and New Age philosophies) can appear to provide a safe haven from the visual and auditory over-stimulation of the modern world. Many gifted people are easily overwhelmed by such stimuli because of their sensitivities. Some cult groups offer an opportunity to be part of a community without having to be intimate. This is an attractive compromise for people who are introverted or overly sensitive. Also, gifted people are curious and open to new ideas. Governments, world leaders, and economic structures can seem hopelessly flawed to gifted people. Cults promise that their vision is new and better than anything that exists in the world at large. Many gifted people are hypersensitive to the feelings of others and harbor wishes for utopian communities where everyone is equal and happy-something the cult leaders and proselytizers promise. Gifted people may be particularly vulnerable to the narcissism of cult leaders. They may sense the vulnerability of the grandiose, narcissistic leader and behave more protectively toward him than they do toward themselves. Professionals working with former cult members should familiarize themselves with the attributes of gifted people. The therapist working with a gifted former member should help that person understand the nature of giftedness and the joys and difficulties giftedness brings. This is also true for working with introverted people. Our culture values thick-skinned extroverts. I have found it helpful, when working with former cult members., to encourage them to examine their temperament, recognize strengths and weaknesses, and begin to appreciate themselves. This makes adjustments to living easier. It also helps them make sense of what they liked about their experience in the cult group. It reduces black-and-white thinking, or the tendency to see things as all good or all bad. Don't Overemphasize Personal ResponsibilityCults inflate the power of the group as well as the personal power of the member. In some ways, this mirrors the individualism so valued in America. Also, it is a wonderful antidote to feeling helpless in an increasingly complicated world. But after leaving the cult, a former member may have difficulty assess ing what he can or cannot handle or may feel that he must do certain things to be "strong." Traditionally, therapists focus on the individual, how she sees her world, and how she reacts. The focus tends to be on individual coping skills. When working with former cult members, it is important to help them find their power, yet it is equally important to help them deal with the limits of their power. It maybe important, for example, for an ex-member to stay away from the group and its members for months, years, or forever. The person may be too easily triggered and frightened by the former leader and/or other group members. In most cases, there is no need for former members to affiliate with the cult or its current members.

• From Less (2017)

  The chimneys all looked like flowerpots. There is a second call, this time from an unknown number, but we will never know what it contains, for no message is left, and the intended receiver is already deep in takeoff slumber, high above the continent of Europe, only seven days from fifty, headed now at last to Morocco. Less Moroccan What does a camel love? I would guess nothing in the world. Not the sand that scours her, or the sun that bakes her, or the water she drinks like a teetotaler. Not sitting down, blinking her lashes like a starlet. Not standing up, moaning in indignant fury as she manages her adolescent limbs. Not her fellow camels, to whom she shows the disdain of an heiress forced to fly coach. Not the humans who have enslaved her. Not the oceanic monotony of the dunes. Not the flavorless grass she chews, then chews again, then again, in a sullen struggle of digestion. Not the hellish day. Not the heavenly night. Not sunset. Not sunrise. Not the sun or the moon or the stars. And surely not the heavy American, a few pounds overweight but not bad for his age, taller than most and top heavy, tipping from side to side as she carries this human, this Arthur Less, pointlessly across the Sahara. Before her: Mohammed, a man in a long white djellaba and with a blue shesh wound around his head, leading her by a rope. Behind her: the eight other camels in her caravan, because nine people signed up to travel to this encampment, though only four of the camels have passengers. They have lost five people since Marrakech. They are soon to lose another. Atop her: Arthur Less, in his own blue shesh, admiring the dunes, the little wind devils dancing on each crest, the sunset coloration of turquoise and gold, thinking at least he will not be alone for his birthday.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Can I ever be normal again? I decided I would just have to identify with others who'd been through trauma, such as chemical dependency, the death of a loved one, other forms of power abuse, or political upheaval. It was easier for me when I learned to identify with others from complicated backgrounds, and not just other cult members. Beliefs. I had to revisit my politics, which during my cult membership had been shaped by the dogma of the group. I actually felt comfortable leaving many beliefs and questions unresolved. I looked around at the world and saw that (a) no one else seemed much clearer than me, and (b) it was okay to be unclear and to have open questions. I truly let go of the need for dogma. I learned to say, "I don't know" and to be quite comfortable with that. I did, however, gather some basic values, mostly from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I saw and appreciated the need to keep these values as broad and inclusive as possible. Friends. It was extremely difficult to break out of my isolation. I worked diligently at this for many years and had a number of false starts. It took me a long time to find the kind of social strata in which I actually felt at home. I ended up finding that I was much more comfortable among artists, writers, intellectuals, and activists than, say, corporate and business professionals, which were the kinds of connections encouraged in the cult. What Helped In the Second Stage• Continuing to study thought reform and the social psychology of cults, and becoming a cult-awareness activist. • Receiving the continued support of other ex-members and other friends and family. • Being able to go to therapists and hand them copies of chapters from various books on cults and social influence. I would tell the therapists they had to read the handouts I gave them. If they weren't willing, I didn't go back. • Having a therapist willing to treat me as an equal, showing herself as a human being rather than a god (the kind of overly rigid boundaries Freudians promote). I needed to be able to ask, "How was your vacation?" and get a normal reply. • Having a therapist willing and able to do some deep work, agreeing to go to that dark place with me, and help me navigate it and find my feet, so to speak. • Studying personality and temperament (and tools like the Myers-Briggs personality assessment) helped me name some of my attributes that transcended the cult experience. It was a validating exercise to say, "Yes, I'm an introvert and a thinker," and so on. And to recognize these as precult and postcult pieces of myself. Of course, in the cult, those qualities had always been scorned, but now I could reclaim them as basic pieces of my personality. What Didn't Help• Encountering overly brief, practical problem-solving therapies; also pop psychology.

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  While pious Queen Marie always wore black after four of her fourteen children died, Agnes led the fashions at court. The courtier Jean Juvenal des Ursins was perturbed by what he considered indecency and sniffed that the king should not allow necklines so low that nipples and breasts were exposed. But apparently the king liked this fashion, as he made no move to ban it. Marie, uncomplaining, devoted herself to her household, her religious duties, and her offspring. “He is my lord, he has authority over all my actions and I over none,” the devoted wife repeated dutifully.4 It would be a useful motto for queens in the centuries to come. “The Contempt of the world”On a gentle May morning in 1662, the ship carrying twenty-three-year-old Catherine Braganza, princess of Portugal, entered Portsmouth harbor. Though no great beauty and a Catholic to boot, Catherine had been chosen as the wife of King Charles II for the rich dowry she trailed in her wake—the cession of Bombay and Tangier, which would open up India to England. Standing on the ship’s deck, tiny brunette Catherine was all hope and eagerness and fear. Hope that she would be a good queen, a beloved wife, a happy mother. Eagerness to meet her husband—handsome, swarthy Charles. Fear of finding herself cast adrift on foreign shores without her family. But in addition to hope, eagerness, and fear, Catherine came to England armed with steely resolve. She had promised her mother, Portugal’s fierce queen regent, that she would never, ever tolerate Charles’s infamous mistress, Barbara, Lady Castlemaine, at her court. Her mother had lectured Catherine about this auburn-haired hussy who brazenly betrayed a good husband, raped the treasury, had given the king one royal bastard nine months after their liaison began, and was already pregnant again. Sir John Reresby, who officially welcomed the princess in Portsmouth, announced with some misgivings that Catherine “had nothing visible about her capable to make the King forget his inclinations to the Countess of Castlemaine, the finest woman of her age.”5 And indeed, as church bells rang in London to announce the bride’s arrival on English soil, Charles remained in London dining with his stunning and very pregnant mistress. As his bride waited in Portsmouth and bonfires were lit across the country, Charles spent every spare moment with Lady Castlemaine for six days straight. By the time Charles finally bestirred himself to ride to Portsmouth, poor Catherine, humiliated with waiting, was ill of a fever. When Charles was introduced to his bride, he was shocked less at her buckteeth than at her hairdo, dressed in the Iberian style of corkscrews projecting horizontally from either side of her head and then hanging like sausages down to her shoulders. “At first sight,” Charles told a friend, “I thought they had brought me a bat instead of a woman.”6

• From Wild (2012)

  “It’s so good to see you,” I said once I had it on, attempting to not seem to be hunching in a remotely upright position because I had to, but rather leaning forward with purpose and intention. “I haven’t seen anyone on the trail so far. I thought there’d be more—hikers.” “Not many people hike the PCT. And certainly not this year, with the record snow. A lot of people saw that and postponed their trips until next year.” “I wonder if that’s what we should do?” I asked, hoping he’d say he thought that was a great idea, coming back next year. “You’re the only solo woman I’ve met so far out here and the only one I’ve seen on the register too. It’s kind of neat.” I replied with a tiny whimper of a smile. “You all ready to go?” he asked. “Ready!” I said, with more vigor than I had. I followed him up the trail, walking as fast as I could to keep up, matching my steps with the click of his trekking pole. When we reached a set of switchbacks fifteen minutes later, I paused to take a sip of water. “Greg,” I called to him as he continued on. “Nice to meet you.” He stopped and turned. “Only about thirty miles to Kennedy Meadows.” “Yeah,” I said, giving him a weak nod. He’d be there the next morning. If I continued on, it would take me three days. “It’ll be cooler up there,” Greg said. “It’s a thousand feet higher than this.” “Good,” I replied wanly. “You’re doing fine, Cheryl,” he said. “Don’t worry about it too much. You’re green, but you’re tough. And tough is what matters the most out here. Not just anyone could do what you’re doing.” “Thanks,” I said, so buoyed by his words that my throat constricted with emotion. “I’ll see you up in Kennedy Meadows,” he said, and began to hike away. “Kennedy Meadows,” I called after him with more clarity than I felt. “We’ll make a plan about the snow,” he said before disappearing from sight. I hiked in the heat of that day with a new determination. Inspired by Greg’s faith in me, I didn’t give quitting another thought. As I hiked, I pondered the ice ax that would be in my resupply box. The ice ax that allegedly belonged to me. It was black and silver and dangerous-looking, an approximately two-foot-long metal dagger with a shorter, sharper dagger that ran crosswise at the end. I bought it, brought it home, and placed it in the box labeled Kennedy Meadows, assuming that by the time I actually reached Kennedy Meadows I would know how to use it—having by then been inexplicably transformed into an expert mountaineer.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Because my own research program has uncovered considerable evidence over the past decade on the benefits of meditation, I offer at least one meditation practice in each of the next four chapters. But don’t worry. If you suspect that meditation is not for you, I’ve got plenty of other practices for you to try. I call these “micro-moment practices” because they describe consequential shifts in attention and awareness you can make within a micro-moment. You need not like or even try every practice I describe. Indeed, I suspect that you won’t. Yet please be open to experimenting. Take time to observe how the practices affect you and your interactions with others. Find one or more practices that really resonate for you. Then, identify a recurring daily event that can serve as your cue to engage in each chosen practice. “If I’m walking from my car into work,” for instance, “then I’ll practice celebratory love.” Study after study shows that making concrete “if . . . then” plans like this dramatically increases people’s success at self-change. Consider, too, whether you might benefit from making your self-reflections more formal, by using the positivity tracking tools I’ve made available on the website that accompanies this book, at www.PositivityResonance.com . In any case, be ready to see changes. Your potential for love is virtually unbounded. I see at least two reasons for this. First, positive emotions are ubiquitous. Despite the hardwired human habit of scanning current circumstances for sources of danger and negativity, positive emotions are what most people feel most frequently. This tendency toward positivity reflects the reassuring fact that most moments are indeed benign. Right in this moment, for instance, as you are reading this sentence, I suspect that you’re sitting fairly comfortably and that no one is inserting pins into your eyes. So what’s not to like about the present moment? Relax and enjoy it. Look around and you’ll come to realize that you can increase your ratio of positive to negative emotions even further by becoming more attuned to the sources of positive emotion in your midst, be they a welcomed sense of safety, a shimmer of beauty, or a small gesture of kindness. The second reason your potential for love is nearly limitless is that social interactions are also ubiquitous. Like bees and ants, we humans are ultrasocial creatures. Your life is embedded within increasingly vast networks of relationships, social ties, and broader communities. Just count up the number of people you see or communicate with on any given day. Your tally includes not only family and friends after all but also team members and other work associates, neighbors, and acquaintances, the employees and fellow customers at any business you happen to visit, and more. Love can infuse and nourish all of these connections—even whole networks of people—just as it infuses and nourishes your own body and mind.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  I suppose if I were asked to provide a list of guidelines for us to live by, it could be condensed into the following: • Remain flexible • This too shall pass • Expect much from yourself to avoid disappointments • Expect little from others to avoid disappointments • Treat yourself and others with love and respect • Always tell the truth • It's okay to fail: failing doesn't make you a failure • Don't be afraid to change • Trust your gut feelings Learn who you really are and be the best you can be The entire cult experience, as devastating as it was, offered us a closer relationship, a more honest relationship, and a chance to evaluate our thoughts and feelings for one another and ourselves. We have more courage and strength, and I specifically realize there are extremes I went to and would go to again in a given traumatic event. My fear has turned a warrior loose within me. It is comforting to know that my children are not ashamed of my cult involvement and are supportive of my recovery. I am not ashamed either. I can say that freely now. Although we may still have a long way to go, truth, love, and understanding bring solidity to each footstep we take along the way. Ginger's guidelines could apply to all relationships. Honesty, flexibility, clarity in communication, and a sense of perspective are key. In some cases, distance or time apart may be necessary to regain your sense of self before you feel comfortable or ready to resume a relationship with a significant other who was also in the cult. In other cases, reconciliation may not be possible. Dealing with People Still in the CultOne of the most difficult tasks for former members is figuring out how to deal with people they left behind in the group. The pain of leaving behind a spouse, a lover, a child, a parent, or even a good friend can seem almost unbearable. Occasionally an exit-counseling intervention may help reunite the whole family. All too often, though, healing must go on without the ones who stayed behind. For those who still have loved ones in a cult, support from others who also deal with such loss is essential. By contacting resource networks, former cult members can find and support each other. Often former members with relatives and friends still in a cult meet to work on mutual issues of support, public education, and action. Where issues of guardianship, divorce, and custody are concerned, it is advisable to seek legal counsel with a professional familiar with cult-related cases and precedents. Social worker Livia Bardin offers good advice for maintaining relationships with those still in a cult in her book Coping with Cult Involvement: A Handbook for Families and Friends (AFF/ICSA). It's important to understand that people from the cult may call or seek those who left in an effort to lure them back to the fold.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Self-expression can help you purge, clarify, and educate your newly emerging persona. One of the Most healing exercises is to write about your experience. Putting your thoughts and feelings on paper will allow you to look at them objectively and sort through any jumbled ideas and emotions. Your journal does not have to be shared with anyone else; it can be a private, personal record. You can decide whether to show it to others later, depending on how you feel. A chronological, autobiographical account is sometimes the easiest way to begin. What was happening before you joined the cult? In what ways were you vulnerable? What was the appeal of the leader, group, or belief system? What were your first impressions of the group, the leader, the beliefs, the goals? What did you like? What, if anything, did you distrust or dislike? Which types of persuasion methods were used? When did you start to doubt? What led to your leaving? How did you leave? How are you feeling now? What are you doing to cope with and heal from the experience? A broader autobiographical sketch can help you make sense of your experience and put it into perspective. You will begin to regard your cult involvement as a chapter in your life, not as your whole life. Even if you were born or raised in a cult, the experience is still only part of your life, albeit a large part at this point. Once you are out, however, a whole new chapter begins. Writing about your experience means that you can put into your own words the often intangible, subtle, convoluted, and sometimes difficult to explain dynamics of the group or relationship. At some point, you will most likely want to explain to family and friends why you joined, how it was possible, how you got out, and so on. Being able to explain it to yourself will enable you to explain it to others. Journaling and art can help you express thoughts and feelings that may have no other safe outlets. Counselor Anna Bowen, who has considerable experience with the use of journals, writes, "The purpose of keeping a journal is to provide a safe avenue for self-awareness, self-expression, personal discovery, and a safe outlet for fantasizing, exploring new ways of communicating with dissociated aspects of the self, and working through trauma. Artwork allows for the expression of feelings there may be no words for; or it can elaborate, accentuate, and enhance the messages contained in writing. Talent is not a requirement."' These are Bowen's recommendations for keeping a journal:' • See it as a personal commitment. Take it seriously. Accept it as an important part of your healing journey. It is important to remind yourself that the journal is your private property and no one else should access it without your permission. • Use a large, blank book. These are often available in art supply shops, stationers, and bookstores.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Maddy went back to the book club determined to try something new. She knew victory was not in how she felt; instead, it was in her actions: looking at people, disclosing, listening, and responding. The same woman approached and asked how she liked the book, so Maddy took a deep breath and gave her a little more to work with. “It was great, thanks. I was actually surprised at how much I liked the book—I’m not usually a genre fiction fan. I usually go for big intergenerational sagas.” A short chat ensued, plus an exchange of recommendations. It wasn’t a deep heart-to-heart. The earth didn’t shake (though Maddy’s knees did), but to Maddy it was the opening to a new world. To be sure, one conversation is a drop in the bucket, but disclosure by disclosure, conversation by conversation, over time and practice, the drops fill the bucket. And what about Nora? She decided to combine showing up with disclosure. The next day, she surprised her daughter by suggesting they hang out at the playground after school rather than heading straight home, a change in routine that rendered Nora momentarily unable to breathe. She spotted a few women she knew, but felt overwhelmed by trying to join a group. Nora almost faked having to run an errand, looking for an excuse to leave. But then her daughter asked Nora to push her on the swings and another mom was there as well, pushing away. Nora said hi and blurted out that she was wondering at what age kids learn to pump on the swings. A conversation about developmental milestones left Nora in a sweat and her nervous energy made her push her happily squealing daughter higher than ever before, but she had a long conversation. When I saw her next, she said Neil Armstrong’s moon landing quote rang through her head for the rest of that afternoon. When you’re first getting started, expect some false starts. We all get a little weird and desperate when we’re lonely. If you’re out of practice, you become less and less confident that you even know how to talk, much less form full sentences to which another human can respond. Worse, we also start interpreting everyone as threatening, every smile as scornful, every interaction as rejecting. But then we make it worse: we act as if the world is against us, a self-fulfilling prophecy called behavioral confirmation. If Maddy expects no one will talk to her, she won’t say hello. If Nora expects the moms to be judgy instead of friendly, she’ll make a beeline for home, not the playground. But don’t base success on the other person’s response. Don’t base success on how nervous you feel. Base success only on what you do. Did you manage to share a little bit of yourself? Great. The first times are the hardest. Try again, and try again soon—not weeks later. Keep the momentum going. It will get easier, I promise.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  The experience taught him both how and why to be optimistic. He drew on what he learned in TFA and in my course to “overcome probably the most difficult challenge” of his life in ways that have “applicability throughout life.” He called it “incredible” and went on to say, “It is one thing to learn [positive psychology] on paper, and another thing to actually implement it and see real success from it.” After Jeremy shared his and his students’ stories with me during this interview, I shared with him a sketch of the ideas I’d been developing for this book, especially my definition of positivity resonance and its preconditions. As he took in these new ideas, he nodded his head in recognition. He too began to appreciate what I’d picked up back in our sidewalk conversation: that the inner changes he’d made in himself—his rekindled hope, his eagerness to savor and celebrate even the smallest of successes, and most especially, his openness to experiment with new ways to lead—created new connections and resources within his classroom. Drawing on what he’d absorbed all those years earlier about the science of positive emotions, together with the values TFA had instilled in him, Jeremy came to see the abstract idea of “classroom climate” as the accumulation of the many real micro-moments of positivity resonance his students created. It was the energy within these micro-moments—the celebrations and the feelings of connection and camaraderie—that sparked newfound capacity and resilience in these previously lowest-performing students. Jeremy admitted that at first “the kids thought it was lame and stupid to celebrate things.” They had to be exposed to the facts about emotions, like he’d been, before they would buy into the new classroom climate he was trying to instill. Even then, their more positive climate was something that they all had to nurture. “It wasn’t anything quick . . . it wasn’t one person, we all bought into this idea, we all were conscious, we all made an effort, and the fruits of our labor were clearly on display. It was just life changing.” Dear Tisha and Kelly, I’d like to write: Thank you for letting me see how you taught yourselves and your classmates to be so positive. My warmest wishes to you both! Try This Micro-moment Practice: Redesign Your Job Around Love Although positivity resonance can and certainly does unfold completely on its own, without any added thought or intervention, frankly speaking, quite often it doesn’t. Long-held habits of mind and social interaction often conspire to tempt you to focus on vexing problems or to otherwise judge or hang back from others, perhaps especially at work.

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  Camilla and Charles’s relationship has now lasted an astounding thirty-four years—longer than that of Emperor Franz Josef of Austria and Katharina Schratt. Camilla, like Katharina, is winning points through her sheer endurance. We might all envy such a long-lasting relationship still sizzling with sexual passion. Her position is greatly aided by the acceptance of the young princes, who love their father deeply and want him to be happy. Even Queen Elizabeth II is warming to her. In 2002 the Church of England, wrenching itself uncomfortably into the mid twentieth century, agreed to permit divorcées with a living ex-spouse to remarry in the church. This means that now Charles and Camilla can marry with the blessing of the church—something that Edward VIII and Wallis could not have done. If Charles and Camilla did marry, when he becomes king she would automatically become queen, barring a special act of Parliament making the marriage morganatic. If public opinion supports the couple, the British cabinet would be unlikely to object to the marriage. However, a 2002 survey in Britain found that 52 percent of the people would not wish for a Queen Camilla. Softening the blow a bit, some 57 percent felt it would be acceptable for Charles and Camilla to live together once he becomes king. This couple certainly shows more wisdom in waiting for public opinion to change than Edward VIII and Wallis Warfield Simpson did in their catastrophic rush to the altar. It is possible that Camilla will remain the prince’s unofficial consort for many years. If Camilla does marry Charles, she will certainly fare better than her predecessors. Chances are she will not get her head cut off, like Anne Boleyn. Nor is she likely to be torn to pieces, like Queen Draga of Serbia, though at the height of the Camillagate scandal a battalion of women pelted her with rolls at the supermarket. She will certainly, however, be hanged, drawn, and quartered in the press. The New Trend in Royal MarriagesThe reasons for a prince to marry a virgin princess no longer exist. The ancient tradition of keeping royal blood “pure” by marrying into like families resulted in the spread of insanity and hemophilia throughout European royalty. Not only is royal blood not superior to that of commoners, it may very well be genetically inferior because of centuries of inbreeding. If we could but look at this sanctified substance under a microscope, we might well be shocked at how many components are missing. Modern princesses don’t trail in their wake treaties that open up trade or prevent war. Nor do they bring dowries to fill the royal treasury. Nor has virginity remained a highly prized commodity. Today most educated, well-bred, healthy women in their twenties are not virgins.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Your biological propensities for love and health, as we shall see, are intimately intertwined. Measured at rest, vagal tone also tends to be extraordinarily stable over time. For most people, it remains roughly the same year after year, rhythmically channeling them toward loneliness or social prosperity, sickness or health. That’s because people with higher vagal tone, science has shown, are more flexible across a whole host of domains—physical, mental, and social. They simply adapt better to their ever-shifting circumstances, albeit completely at nonconscious levels. Physically, they regulate their internal bodily processes more efficiently, like their glucose levels and inflammation. Mentally, they’re better able to regulate their attention and emotions, even their behavior. Socially, they’re especially skillful in navigating interpersonal interactions and in forging positive connections with others. By definition, then, they experience more micro-moments of love. It’s as though the agility of the conduit between their brains and hearts—as reflected in their high vagal tone—allows them to be exquisitely agile, attuned, and flexible as they navigate the ups and downs of day-to-day life and social exchanges. High vagal tone, then, can be taken as high loving potential. Indeed, this is what doctoral student Bethany Kok and I have found: Compared to people with lower vagal tone, those with higher vagal tone experience more love in their daily lives, more moments of positivity resonance. You might now be wondering whether you’re one of the lucky ones blessed with high vagal tone. If you are, that’s great. Yet even if you’re not advantaged with high vagal tone today, the latest science gives plenty of reason for hope. Just as you can build muscle tone through regular physical exercises, you can build vagal tone through regular emotional exercises of the kind I share in part II of this book. The key, once again, is the power of love. My students and I work together in what I call the PEP Lab, or the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory. Not long ago, we conducted an experiment on the effects of learning the ancient mind-training practice of loving-kindness meditation. Our study participants visited the PEP Lab at the University of North Carolina one by one, and we measured their vagal tone while they sat and relaxed for a few minutes. At the end of this initial laboratory testing session, we instructed participants how to log on to the study website each evening to record their emotions and social connections of the day. A few weeks later, by random assignment, we determined which participants would learn loving-kindness meditation and which would not. All would continue to monitor their day-to-day emotions and social connections using our study website. Months later, weeks after the meditation workshop ended, one by one we invited all participants back to the PEP Lab, where we again measured their vagal tone under the same resting conditions as before.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Obviously, I think it does. The scientific understanding of love and its benefits offers you a completely fresh set of lenses through which to see your world and your prospects for health, happiness, and spiritual wisdom. Through these new lenses you see things that you were literally blind to before. Ordinary, everyday exchanges with colleagues and strangers now light up and call out to you as opportunities—life-giving opportunities for connection, growth, and health, your own and theirs. You can also see for the first time how micro-moments of love carry irrepressible ripple effects across whole social networks, helping each person who experiences positivity resonance to grow and in turn touch and uplift the lives of countless others. These new lenses even change the way you see your more intimate relationships with family and friends. You now also see the rivers of missed opportunities for the true love of positivity resonance. You now know how to connect to and love these cherished people in your life more and better. Viewing love as distinct from long-standing relationships is especially vital as people increasingly face repeated geographical relocations that distance families and friends. Falling in love within smaller moments and with a greater variety of people gives new hope to the lonely and isolated among us. Love, I hope you see, bears upgrading. I’m not worried about any surface resistance to using the L-word. The terminology you use is not what matters. What matters is that you recognize positivity resonance when it happens as well as the abundant opportunities for it, and that, more and more frequently, you seek it out. I offer the next chapter, on the biology of love, to stimulate an even deeper appreciation for how much your body needs, craves, and was designed to thrive on this life-giving form of connection. CHAPTER 3 Love’s Biology THE SOUL MUST ALWAYS STAND AJAR, READY TO WELCOME THE ECSTATIC EXPERIENCE. —Emily Dickinson It’s all too tempting, especially in Western culture, to take your body to be a noun, a thing. Sure, it’s a living thing, but still, like other concrete things that you can see and touch, you typically describe your body with reference to its stable physical properties, like your height, your weight, your skin tone, your apparent age, and the like. A photo works well to convey these attributes. You recognize, of course, that five years from now, today’s photo will seem a bit outdated. By then, your body’s physical properties might shift a bit—you might, for instance, become a little shorter, a little heavier, a little paler, or look a little older. Still, you’re comfortable with the idea that your body remains pretty much the same from day to day. It has constancy.