Hope

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Lives of Great Christians (2007)

  3. Slaves would sometimes meet in the woods away from the masters and sing and hear about Christianity that addressed who they were. As one of their songs suggested, they would “steal away to Jesus.” 4. They saw in the story of the Exodus that God favors the oppressed and will lead people to freedom from their oppressors. a. The most famous of all the spirituals is “Go Down, Moses,” a hopeful retelling of the Exodus story. b. Songs that refer to crossing over the Jordan River into the Promised Land had historical meaning and signified going to heaven but also suggested freedom across the slaves’ own Jordan, the Ohio. One of the most famous of these spirituals is “Deep River.” 5. Some songs reassured the slaves that God sees and knows all and that the masters will have to face God and be judged for their sins. a. “I Gotta Shoes” suggests that not everyone who talks about heaven will get there. b. “The Welcome Table” even suggests that the slaves will report to God what the masters are up to. 6. Some of the songs are rooted in all-too-common situations that slaves had to endure (for example, “Sometimes I Feel like a Motherless Child”). 7. Slaves identified with the suffering and crucified Christ. a. One mournful song asked, “Were you there when they crucified my Lord?” b. Still, such stories as the Exodus and, especially, Christ’s Passion brought hope to the slaves. Hence, one song about all the troubles that people experience ends with the words “Glory Hallelujah.” 8. The Christianity of the slaves helped them to live through horrific circumstances while never letting them forget just how intolerable their conditions were and giving them hope for a better future. II. Separate black denominations were established in the North before the Civil War, and after the Civil War, numerous black churches were established in the South, some with northern support. ©2007 The Teaching Company. 101

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  This is where the story really gets interesting. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and it hadn’t rained in three years, but Elijah told the king, Ahab, “There is the sound of a heavy rain” (1 Kings 18:41). Ahab probably raised his eyebrows at that crazy statement, but he had just seen Elijah call down fire from heaven, so he wasn’t about to argue. The story continues. Elijah climbed up a mountain, “bent down to the ground and put his face between his knees” (verse 42). I know that sounds like a yoga position, but it was a posture of prayer. It’s one you won’t ever find me using because I’m in my forties and not as flexible as I used to be, but Elijah was an amazing guy. And apparently very fit. It’s fascinating to me that Elijah’s response to the promise of God was to pray. He knew God was in charge, but he also realized he had a part to play in the process. Not a huge part, granted, because he was as human as you and me, and therefore couldn’t control weather patterns—but an important part, nonetheless. So he prayed. And nothing happened. No rain. No wind. No clouds. Elijah sent his servant to look toward the Mediterranean Sea, sparkling in the distance. He was expecting to see a storm on the horizon, but the servant told him, “There is nothing there” (verse 43). Elijah was not discouraged. He repeated this seven times. Seven . I can only guess what the servant was thinking as his master, with his head between his knees, prayed like crazy and insisted that it was going to start pouring any minute now. The seventh time, the servant saw something. He came running back. “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea” (verse 44). I imagine the servant holding his fist straight out and measuring the width of the cloud against it. Try it yourself. Now imagine yourself on a parched desert mountaintop, looking at a white fuzzball the size of your fist forming in the hot, clear sky. The exact size would have depended on the distance. But no matter how you imagine it, it’s still pretty underwhelming. You can almost hear the disdain in the servant’s tone. “Um, sir, yes, there is a cloud over there. A teeny, insignificant, cute little cloud. But it’s nothing to get too excited about. It’s probably going to blow away in the wind. It hasn’t rained for three years, after all. . . .” But Elijah was already on his feet, shouting in triumph. He told the servant to warn the king, “Hitch up your chariot and go down before the rain stops you” (verse 44).

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  When one is feeling overwhelmed, besieged by fear and doubt, it is extremely attractive to be able to suspend individual judgment and repose one's faith in the leadership of someone who conveys with conviction and certainty that he has the answers, that he knows the way, be it the Reverend Moon or Reverend Jim Jones, Adolph Hitler or Ayatollah Khomeini. Particularly through skillful use of rhetoric, such a leader persuades his needy audience: "Follow me and I will take care of you. Together we can make a new beginning and create a new society. The fault is not within us but out there, and the only barrier to the happiness, peace, and prosperity we deserve is the outside enemy out to destroy us."4 The Role of CharismaIn general, charismatic personalities are known for their inescapable magnetism, winning style, and the self-assurance with which they promote somethinga cause, a belief, or a product. A charismatic person who offers hope of new beginnings often attracts attention and a following. Merriam-Webster defines charisma as "an extraordinary power; a personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm for a public figure (as a political leader); a special magnetic charm or appeal."5 The German sociologist Max Weber was the first to study charisma in depth in the 18oos. He explained: "the term `charisma' will be applied to a certain quality of an individual personality by virtue of which he is set apart from ordinary men and treated as endowed with supernatural, superhuman, or at least specifically exceptional powers or qualities. His gift is that he succeeds in gathering disciples around him."6 Weber described a charismatic leader as a "berserker" with spells of maniac passion, a "shaman," a "magician" who falls into trance through epileptic seizure, a "swindler" of the most sophisticated sort, and even an "intellectual ... carried away with his own demagogic success"; in other words, "men who, according to conventional judgments, are the `greatest' heroes, prophets and saviours."' According to Weber, the charismatic person's claim to legitimacy lies not only in amassing devotees who engage in hero worship, but in engendering a sense of duty among devotees to deify the charismatic one and promise complete fidelity and commitment to him. In the case of cults, of course, we know that this induction of wholehearted devotion does not happen spontaneously, but is the result of systems of influence and control based on an array of thought-reform techniques. Charisma on its own is not evil and does not necessarily breed a cult leader. Yet charisma is essentially a powerful and awesome social relationship built on a significant power imbalance. Indeed, the charismatic one has great influence over those who respond to him or her. Often that response is misinterpreted to be more than it is: a visceral response, an emotional release, an intimate feeling of wonder. The misinterpretation easily results in extreme or irrational reactions on the part of devotees.

• From Emotional Inheritance (2022)

  To the school’s memorial wall were added more and more names, this time of young people we knew. Parents who had lost their boys came to the school for the ceremony of Memorial Day. I was proud to be the one singing for them, looking straight into their eyes and making sure I didn’t cry because then I would ruin the song and someone else might have to take my place behind the mic. We ended the ceremony every year with “Shir La Shalom” (“A Song for Peace”), one of the most well-known Israeli songs. We sang for peace from the depth of our hearts. We wanted to have a new beginning and liberate our future. I grew up on our parents’ promise that by the time the children were eighteen and had to serve in the army, there would be no more wars. But that, to this day, has not happened. I served in the army as a musician, praying for peace, traveling from one army base to another, crossing borders, singing for the soldiers. I was a nineteen-year-old soldier when the Gulf War started. We were on the road and the rock-and-roll music we played was loud, so loud that we had to make sure we didn’t miss the sound of the sirens and could run to the shelters to put on our gas masks in time. At some point, we decided to give up on the masks and the shelters and instead ran to the roofs every time there was a siren so we could watch the missiles from Iraq and try to guess where they would fall. After each thunderous explosion, we would go back to our music and play it even louder. We sang for the soldiers, who were also our childhood friends, neighbors, and siblings. And when they teared up, as they often did, I felt the power of touching another heart with my own, voicing the unspeakable. Our music expressed so much of what no one could say out loud: that we were scared but were not allowed to admit it even to ourselves, that we were still too young and wanted to go home, fall in love, travel far away. That we wanted normal lives but we were not sure what “normal” meant. Making music and singing out loud were meaningful and liberating. It was the beginning of my journey of a search for truths, the unveiling of the emotional inheritance within me. Eventually, some years later, I left my homeland, moved to New York City, and began studying the unspeakable—all those silent memories, feelings, and desires that are outside awareness.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Prayer does not undermine the importance of therapy, medicine, or other treatment. Quite the opposite. I have deep respect for therapists, psychologists, doctors, scientists, and other experts in their respective fields who are contributing to our understanding of these complex emotions. I believe that healing, like truth, is multi-faceted. That is, God often brings restoration through multiple sources of growth and understanding at the same time. Prayer and science are not mutually exclusive. They work together. Don’t stop doing whatever is working for you. Keep learning and growing. Find and use whatever tools you can to navigate what you’re facing. But in that search, don’t overlook prayer! You can always add more prayer to your life, and you might be surprised how much it helps. Prayer was never meant to be associated with stuffy church services or fancy religious language. It has always been a way for real people to talk with a real God about real issues. No matter who you are or what you’re facing, I believe growing in your prayer life will change you, just as it has changed me and so many others. Not because prayer is some magical activity in and of itself, but because prayer connects you to God. Prayer is the vehicle, not the destination. It’s the method, not the goal. God himself is the destination and the goal. Prayer just gets you closer to Him. The goal of this book, then, is to simplify prayer, not to complicate it. It’s to place it back where it belongs, which is wherever you and I are at. Prayer was meant for us , after all. It’s our God-given privilege, our gift, and our responsibility. I truly believe you are already a great person in God’s eyes. You have come far, you have done much, you have lived in faith and love. God wants to increase who you are, not change it. He wants to expand your heart and your capacity and your calling. He wants to add prayer to the incredible person you’ve become. You’re going to love where prayer takes you—no matter how unplanned or unexpected that might be. SECTION 1 Prayer changes everything . . . but mainly youWhen I was a teenager, my parents existed mainly to provide things for me. I’m sure that when my kids hit their teen years, I’m going to be on the receiving end of that mentality. As a teenager, you don’t think about your parents too often unless you need something from them, or when they are getting in the way of you doing what you want. It’s the law of adolescence. Luckily, that changes. You grow up. You get a job.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  In June 2004, I expanded my study to include child abuse in other highcontrol authoritarian groups. I have found that some cults do not sexually abuse their children, but many do perpetrate systemic child abuse. By systemic, I mean that, as was the case in ISKCON, the leadership knows about the abuse and either participates in it or covers it up. Much of the abuse that is alleged in these groups is strikingly similar. Like ISKCON, other groups take children away from their families and house them in isolated trailer parks or boarding schools in other countries. Like ISKCON, arranged marriages are set up, where preadolescent girls are given to older, often abusive men. In ISKCON, the leaders seemed to protect insiders who abused children, but denounced those perpetrators who were perceived to be outsiders. Similar patterns of deflection can be found in other groups. I studied one group that appeared to let molesters work in its schools in exchange for large donations. In another group, the leaders encouraged incest and used their own children to make child pornography. In some of these groups, as was alleged in ISKCON, some of the perpetrators mix violence with sex, beating and raping the same children. I support the efforts in the U.S. Congress and in the courts to bring these crimes out in the open. Systemic child abuse can take place only in an atmosphere of secrecy and rigid authoritarian rule. I also support a suspension of the statute of limitations in these cases. Many of these children grow up thinking their experiences are normal. It may take many years before they realize that what happened to them was wrong. My newest book will be a collection of narratives by people who grew up in authoritarian groups. I offer this brief summary with hope that it will spark more dialogue and action on behalf of the children of cults. PART FOURTherapeutic ConcernsYou gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, `I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' -ELEANOR ROOSEVELT [image file=img/img0025.jpg] Many cults have moved into the mainstream, which means that many cult members live and work in the larger society. Certain cultic groups have even become fashionable. In television interviews and in the tabloids, some movie stars and celebrities offer testimonials to the benefits of membership. Society has been influenced by trends and practices that sometimes have cult associations. For example, meditation techniques are now taught in hospitals and clinics and are featured in the media. Also, alternative medicine and health foods are capturing the attention and loyalties of a skeptical population disenchanted with modern medicine, the greedy nature of pharmaceutical companies, and the scandalous bungling (and cover-ups) of the Food and Drug Administration. Not all meditation techniques, alternative medicines, and health-food regimens are dangerous or cultic.

• From Best Erotica & Sexual Deviance Narratives Ever Written (2024)

  The execration they had just stamped upon my flesh did not show, I imagined I would always be able to disguise it and that this brand would be no bar to making my living. I was twenty-two years old, in good health, and had a face which, to my sorrow, was the object of eulogies all too frequent; I possessed some virtues which, although they had brought me unremitting injury, nevertheless, as I have just told you, were my whole consolation and caused me to hope that Heaven would finally grant me, if not rewards, at least some suspension of the evils they had drawn down upon me. Full of hope and courage, I kept my road until I gained Sens, where I rested several days. A week of this and I was entirely restored; I might perhaps have found work in that city but, penetrated by the necessity of getting further away, I resumed my journeying with the design of seeking my fortune in Dauphine; I had heard this province much spoken of, I fancied happiness attended me there, and we are going to see with what success I sought it out. Never, not in a single one of my life's circumstances, had the sentiments of Religion deserted me.

• From The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (2007)

  [image "The scene depicts a person standing at a signpost featuring four directional signs labeled ‘REZ’, ‘HOPE’, ‘HOME’, and ‘Unknown’. Nearby, a moose grazes or stands alert, while a cozy house is visible amidst a backdrop of trees." file=image_rsrc4S0.jpg] Go Means Go [image file=image_rsrc4RJ.jpg] After Mr. P left, I sat on the porch for a long time and thought about my life. What the heck was I supposed to do? I felt like life had just knocked me on my ass. I was so happy when Mom and Dad got home from work. “Hey, little man,” Dad said. “Hey, Dad, Mom.” “Junior, why are you looking so sad?” Mom asked. She knew stuff. I didn’t know how to start, so I just started with the biggest question. [image "A hand-drawn illustration depicts a simple illustration of a pair of buttock with a bruise. A handwritten text that reads ‘all ass-kicking bruises look like Texas’." file=image_rsrc4S1.jpg] “Who has the most hope?” I asked. Mom and Dad looked at each other. They studied each other’s eyes, you know, like they had antennas and were sending radio signals to each other. And then they both looked back at me. “Come on,” I said. “Who has the most hope?” “White people,” my parents said at the same time. That’s exactly what I thought they were going to say, so I said the most surprising thing they’d ever heard from me. “I want to transfer schools,” I said. “You want to go to Hunters?” Mom said. It’s another school on the west end of the reservation, filled with poor Indians and poorer white kids. Yes, there is a place in the world where the white people are poorer than the Indians. “No,” I said. “You want to go to Springdale?” Dad asked. It’s a school on the reservation border filled with the poorest Indians and poorer-than-poorest white kids. Yes, there is a place in the world where the white people are even poorer than you ever thought possible. “I want to go to Reardan,” I said. Reardan is the rich, white farm town that sits in the wheat fields exactly twenty-two miles away from the rez. And it’s a hick town, I suppose, filled with farmers and rednecks and racist cops who stop every Indian that drives through. During one week when I was little, Dad got stopped three times for DWI: Driving While Indian. But Reardan has one of the best small schools in the state, with a computer room and huge chemistry lab and a drama club and two basketball gyms. The kids in Reardan are the smartest and most athletic kids anywhere. They are the best. “I want to go to Reardan,” I said again. I couldn’t believe I was saying it. For me, it seemed as real as saying, “I want to fly to the moon.” “Are you sure?” my parents asked. “Yes,” I said. “When do you want to go?” my parents asked. “Right now,” I said. “Tomorrow.”

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  In other words, was I being set up to idealize him as the perfect therapist, the only one who could heal me? General Matters to Keep in Mind• Trust your own judgment. You have the right not to trust immediately. Trust needs to be earned; there are no shortcuts. • Interview several therapists. After all, you don't buy the first car or stereo system you look at. • Get information and/or referrals from friends, other former members, ICSA, and such agencies as rape crisis centers (the latter generally know therapists skilled in dealing with trauma issues). • You can stop therapy any time you want. Therapy is for you, not the therapist. • Touching is a highly personal issue. Some therapists will hug a client. If you'd like a hug, you should initiate this action, not the therapist. Touching should be discussed openly, early in therapy. If touching makes you feel uncomfortable, say something right away. • It is never okay to be touched on the chest, genitals, or anyplace else that makes you uncomfortable. • It is important that the therapist interact with you during the session, but without telling you what to do. Taking ActionWhen you begin to think of yourself as a victor over your negative experiences rather than a victim of them, you arrive at an empowering stage in your healing process. At this stage, you are meeting the great challenge of turning a negative and harmful experience into a positive and strengthening one. Some people at this stage become able to take an activist stance. ActivismIf and when you are ready for it, you can use your newfound freedom and understanding to educate and help others. Telling others about cults in general and/or your personal experience in particular can be an excellent and constructive way of channeling your anger. Many high schools and colleges, hospitals and clinics, churches, synagogues, parent and educational associations, business groups and clubs, and youth groups look for speakers to talk about cults. Writing about your experience and having it published can also be truly rewarding. Writing letters to the editors of local papers or to your government representatives helps solidify your own understanding as you educate and warn others of the problems that cults can create. If you know of organizations that may have inadvertently allowed cultic groups to use their facilities for meetings or other purposes, you can call or write someone in charge. A number of cult groups, for example, meet at local libraries, schools, churches, and other places with meeting halls. Perhaps you have information that will encourage these organizations to reconsider this use of their space. If you are considering contacting someone by phone or letter, be sure to have solid, verifiable information. You do not want to make false or libelous claims. If you are not certain of either your facts or your rights, consult a lawyer. Another way to become active is to support others who are leaving a cult.

• From Emotional Inheritance (2022)

  For years, we were used to accepting genetic heritage as fate. Biologists believed that environmental factors had little, if any, effect on DNA and that therefore psychological growth was separated from our genetic legacy. These days, the field of epigenetics gives us another framework for understanding how nature and nurture intermingle and how we respond to the environment on a molecular level. It emphasizes that genes have a “memory” that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The implications for this new research are bidirectional: we realize that trauma can be transmitted to the next generation but also that psychological work can alter and modify the biological effects of trauma. Stephen Stahl, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, argues that psychotherapy can be conceptualized as an “epigenetic drug” since it changes the circuitry of the brain in a manner similar to or complementary to drugs. Our hope lies in the understanding that our emotional work has a profound effect on who we, our children, and our grandchildren will become. Trauma is transmitted through our minds and through our bodies, but so are resilience and healing. The next generations carry not only the despair of the past, but also hope, because their mere existence is evidence that their family survived and that a future is possible. Reliving our ancestors’ pain allows us to reference the traumatic past as a way to imagine a possible future, a trajectory from chaos to order, from helplessness to agency, and from destruction to re-creation. In that sense, our work is a way to process and recall past liberation, and also look forward to future redemption. When we can learn to identify the emotional inheritance that lives within us, things start to make sense and our lives begin to change. Slowly, a door opens, a gateway between present life and past trauma. On our way to healing, that which seemed impossible now becomes tangible, the pain diminishes, and a new path appears—to love. AcknowledgmentsThis book is dedicated to the memory of Lewis Aron, whose devoted love, incredible wisdom, and constant support are always with me. My enormous gratitude goes to my patients, those whom I’ve written about and those whose stories are carried in my heart. Thank you for teaching me so much about the human mind and about myself. The patients whose stories are in this book helped me to alter the details and disguise their identities. Thank you for inviting me to join your journeys, for trusting me to write your stories, and for reading those chapters with so much insight and generosity.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I said - because I thought it would please her - that I might need some instruction, in the ins and outs of the Woman Question.At that she snorted, and gave me another knowing look; though what it was she thought she knew, I wasn’t sure. She did, however, agree to meet me - with a warning that I must not let her down. I said there was not a chance of it, held out my hand; and for a second felt her fingers, very firm and warm in their grey linen glove, clasp my own.It was only after we had parted that I realised we had not exchanged names; but by then she had turned the corner of Green Street, and was gone. But I had, as a piece of secret knowledge from our earlier, darker encounter, her own romantic christian name, at least. And besides, I knew I should be seeing her again within the week. Chapter 10 [image "015" file=wate_9781101078198_oeb_015_r1.jpg] The days that week grew ever warmer, until at last even I began to tire of the heat. All London longed for a break in the weather; and on Thursday evening, when it finally came, crowds took to the streets of the city in sheer relief.I was amongst them. For two days almost I had kept indoors in a kind of hot stupor, drinking endless cups of lemonade with Mrs Milne and Gracie in their darkened parlour, or dozing naked on my bed with the windows thrown open and the curtains pulled. Now the promise of a night of chilly liberty on the swarming, gaudy streets of the West End drew me like a magnet. My purse, too, was almost empty - and I was mindful of the supper I would have to take care of, with Florence, the following night. So I needed, I thought, to cut something of a dash. I washed, and combed my hair flat and brilliant with macassar; and when I dressed I put on my favourite costume - the guardsman’s uniform, with its brass buttons and its piping, its scarlet jacket and its neat little cap.I hardly ever wore this outfit.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Across several past longitudinal studies in which we’d asked people to provide daily reports of their emotions, we’d never seen improvements simply due to the act of regularly reflecting on feelings. But in this study, we did. The only difference was that we’d added the social connection questions. With these two questions added to the very end of the daily report form, upward spirals emerged for our control participants as well. Even more remarkable, increased feelings of social connection forecast changes in the functioning of people’s physical hearts, as registered by increases in their vagal tone. If it weren’t for this pronounced effect, we might have dismissed the result as mere wishful thinking or the possibility that our study participants simply got wind of our interests (in social connection and positive emotions) and told us (through their daily reports) what they thought we wanted to hear. Yet the fact that reflecting on social connection appeared to penetrate the body to affect enduring heart rhythms made us take a closer look. This surprise finding inspired a key part of my student Bethany Kok’s dissertation. To gather definitive data on whether the one-minute thought exercise of considering how “close” and “in tune” people feel when interacting with others in fact generates important emotional and biological changes, Bethany randomly assigned working adults to reflect daily either on their social connections in this manner or on the three tasks on which they spent the most time that day and to evaluate how “useful” and “important” those tasks had felt to them. Remarkably, here again, we observed increases in day-to-day positive emotions and end-of-study vagal tone, but only in the group assigned to reflect on social connections. Clearly something powerful was embedded within this simple thought exercise. Bethany and I suspect that the real active ingredient runs deeper than merely the end-of-the-day reflection. We speculate that the daily question serves as a subtle cue that reminds people that each of their social interactions is indeed an opportunity for something more than just an exchange of goods or information. With this in mind, people may begin to approach each interaction with a bit more presence, aiming to cultivate heartfelt connection rather than miss out on it. This speculation merits direct test, because it’s also possible that people don’t change their behaviors at all, but simply become more sensitive to the positive connections that already exist for them, more likely to notice and prioritize them. I encourage you to try this exercise out for yourself.

• From Wild (2012)

  I could feel it unspooling behind me—the old thread I’d lost, the new one I was spinning—while I hiked that morning, the snowy peaks of the High Sierras coming into occasional view. As I walked, I didn’t think of those snowy peaks. Instead, I thought of what I would do once I arrived at the Kennedy Meadows General Store that afternoon, imagining in fantastic detail the things I would purchase to eat and drink—cold lemonade and candy bars and junk food I seldom ate in my regular life. I pictured the moment when I would lay hands on my first resupply box, which felt to me like a monumental milestone, the palpable proof that I’d made it at least that far. Hello, I said to myself in anticipation of what I’d say once I arrived at the store, I’m a PCT hiker here to pick up my box. My name is Cheryl Strayed. Cheryl Strayed, Cheryl Strayed, Cheryl Strayed—those two words together still rolled somewhat hesitantly off my tongue. Cheryl had been my name forever, but Strayed was a new addition—only officially my name since April, when Paul and I had filed for divorce. Paul and I had taken on each other’s last names when we married, and our two names became one long four-syllable name, connected by a hyphen. I never liked it. It was too complicated and cumbersome. Seldom did anyone manage to get it right, and even I stumbled over it a good portion of the time. Cheryl Hyphen-Hyphen, an old grumpy man I briefly worked for called me, flummoxed by my actual name, and I couldn’t help but see his point. In that uncertain period when Paul and I had been separated for several months but were not yet sure we wanted to get divorced, we sat down together to scan a set of no-fault, do-it-yourself divorce documents we’d ordered over the phone, as if holding them in our hands would help us decide what to do. As we paged through the documents, we came across a question that asked the name we’d each have after the divorce. The line beneath the question was perfectly blank. On it, to my amazement, we could write anything. Be anyone. We laughed about it at the time, making up incongruous new names for ourselves—names of movie stars and cartoon characters and strange combinations of words that weren’t rightly names at all.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  You need not like or even try every practice I describe. Indeed, I suspect that you won’t. Yet please be open to experimenting. Take time to observe how the practices affect you and your interactions with others. Find one or more practices that really resonate for you. Then, identify a recurring daily event that can serve as your cue to engage in each chosen practice. “If I’m walking from my car into work,” for instance, “then I’ll practice celebratory love.” Study after study shows that making concrete “if . . . then” plans like this dramatically increases people’s success at self-change. Consider, too, whether you might benefit from making your self-reflections more formal, by using the positivity tracking tools I’ve made available on the website that accompanies this book, at www.PositivityResonance.com. In any case, be ready to see changes. Your potential for love is virtually unbounded. I see at least two reasons for this. First, positive emotions are ubiquitous. Despite the hardwired human habit of scanning current circumstances for sources of danger and negativity, positive emotions are what most people feel most frequently. This tendency toward positivity reflects the reassuring fact that most moments are indeed benign. Right in this moment, for instance, as you are reading this sentence, I suspect that you’re sitting fairly comfortably and that no one is inserting pins into your eyes. So what’s not to like about the present moment? Relax and enjoy it. Look around and you’ll come to realize that you can increase your ratio of positive to negative emotions even further by becoming more attuned to the sources of positive emotion in your midst, be they a welcomed sense of safety, a shimmer of beauty, or a small gesture of kindness. The second reason your potential for love is nearly limitless is that social interactions are also ubiquitous. Like bees and ants, we humans are ultrasocial creatures. Your life is embedded within increasingly vast networks of relationships, social ties, and broader communities. Just count up the number of people you see or communicate with on any given day. Your tally includes not only family and friends after all but also team members and other work associates, neighbors, and acquaintances, the employees and fellow customers at any business you happen to visit, and more. Love can infuse and nourish all of these connections—even whole networks of people—just as it infuses and nourishes your own body and mind.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Cult groups may suit and attract gifted people because cults promise a better world. Certain groups (particularly groups based on Eastern and New Age philosophies) can appear to provide a safe haven from the visual and auditory over-stimulation of the modern world. Many gifted people are easily overwhelmed by such stimuli because of their sensitivities. Some cult groups offer an opportunity to be part of a community without having to be intimate. This is an attractive compromise for people who are introverted or overly sensitive. Also, gifted people are curious and open to new ideas. Governments, world leaders, and economic structures can seem hopelessly flawed to gifted people. Cults promise that their vision is new and better than anything that exists in the world at large. Many gifted people are hypersensitive to the feelings of others and harbor wishes for utopian communities where everyone is equal and happy-something the cult leaders and proselytizers promise. Gifted people may be particularly vulnerable to the narcissism of cult leaders. They may sense the vulnerability of the grandiose, narcissistic leader and behave more protectively toward him than they do toward themselves. Professionals working with former cult members should familiarize themselves with the attributes of gifted people. The therapist working with a gifted former member should help that person understand the nature of giftedness and the joys and difficulties giftedness brings. This is also true for working with introverted people. Our culture values thick-skinned extroverts. I have found it helpful, when working with former cult members., to encourage them to examine their temperament, recognize strengths and weaknesses, and begin to appreciate themselves. This makes adjustments to living easier. It also helps them make sense of what they liked about their experience in the cult group. It reduces black-and-white thinking, or the tendency to see things as all good or all bad. Don't Overemphasize Personal ResponsibilityCults inflate the power of the group as well as the personal power of the member. In some ways, this mirrors the individualism so valued in America. Also, it is a wonderful antidote to feeling helpless in an increasingly complicated world. But after leaving the cult, a former member may have difficulty assess ing what he can or cannot handle or may feel that he must do certain things to be "strong." Traditionally, therapists focus on the individual, how she sees her world, and how she reacts. The focus tends to be on individual coping skills. When working with former cult members, it is important to help them find their power, yet it is equally important to help them deal with the limits of their power. It maybe important, for example, for an ex-member to stay away from the group and its members for months, years, or forever. The person may be too easily triggered and frightened by the former leader and/or other group members. In most cases, there is no need for former members to affiliate with the cult or its current members.

• From Less (2017)

  The chimneys all looked like flowerpots. There is a second call, this time from an unknown number, but we will never know what it contains, for no message is left, and the intended receiver is already deep in takeoff slumber, high above the continent of Europe, only seven days from fifty, headed now at last to Morocco. Less Moroccan What does a camel love? I would guess nothing in the world. Not the sand that scours her, or the sun that bakes her, or the water she drinks like a teetotaler. Not sitting down, blinking her lashes like a starlet. Not standing up, moaning in indignant fury as she manages her adolescent limbs. Not her fellow camels, to whom she shows the disdain of an heiress forced to fly coach. Not the humans who have enslaved her. Not the oceanic monotony of the dunes. Not the flavorless grass she chews, then chews again, then again, in a sullen struggle of digestion. Not the hellish day. Not the heavenly night. Not sunset. Not sunrise. Not the sun or the moon or the stars. And surely not the heavy American, a few pounds overweight but not bad for his age, taller than most and top heavy, tipping from side to side as she carries this human, this Arthur Less, pointlessly across the Sahara. Before her: Mohammed, a man in a long white djellaba and with a blue shesh wound around his head, leading her by a rope. Behind her: the eight other camels in her caravan, because nine people signed up to travel to this encampment, though only four of the camels have passengers. They have lost five people since Marrakech. They are soon to lose another. Atop her: Arthur Less, in his own blue shesh, admiring the dunes, the little wind devils dancing on each crest, the sunset coloration of turquoise and gold, thinking at least he will not be alone for his birthday.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Can I ever be normal again? I decided I would just have to identify with others who'd been through trauma, such as chemical dependency, the death of a loved one, other forms of power abuse, or political upheaval. It was easier for me when I learned to identify with others from complicated backgrounds, and not just other cult members. Beliefs. I had to revisit my politics, which during my cult membership had been shaped by the dogma of the group. I actually felt comfortable leaving many beliefs and questions unresolved. I looked around at the world and saw that (a) no one else seemed much clearer than me, and (b) it was okay to be unclear and to have open questions. I truly let go of the need for dogma. I learned to say, "I don't know" and to be quite comfortable with that. I did, however, gather some basic values, mostly from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I saw and appreciated the need to keep these values as broad and inclusive as possible. Friends. It was extremely difficult to break out of my isolation. I worked diligently at this for many years and had a number of false starts. It took me a long time to find the kind of social strata in which I actually felt at home. I ended up finding that I was much more comfortable among artists, writers, intellectuals, and activists than, say, corporate and business professionals, which were the kinds of connections encouraged in the cult. What Helped In the Second Stage• Continuing to study thought reform and the social psychology of cults, and becoming a cult-awareness activist. • Receiving the continued support of other ex-members and other friends and family. • Being able to go to therapists and hand them copies of chapters from various books on cults and social influence. I would tell the therapists they had to read the handouts I gave them. If they weren't willing, I didn't go back. • Having a therapist willing to treat me as an equal, showing herself as a human being rather than a god (the kind of overly rigid boundaries Freudians promote). I needed to be able to ask, "How was your vacation?" and get a normal reply. • Having a therapist willing and able to do some deep work, agreeing to go to that dark place with me, and help me navigate it and find my feet, so to speak. • Studying personality and temperament (and tools like the Myers-Briggs personality assessment) helped me name some of my attributes that transcended the cult experience. It was a validating exercise to say, "Yes, I'm an introvert and a thinker," and so on. And to recognize these as precult and postcult pieces of myself. Of course, in the cult, those qualities had always been scorned, but now I could reclaim them as basic pieces of my personality. What Didn't Help• Encountering overly brief, practical problem-solving therapies; also pop psychology.

• From Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (2004)

  While pious Queen Marie always wore black after four of her fourteen children died, Agnes led the fashions at court. The courtier Jean Juvenal des Ursins was perturbed by what he considered indecency and sniffed that the king should not allow necklines so low that nipples and breasts were exposed. But apparently the king liked this fashion, as he made no move to ban it. Marie, uncomplaining, devoted herself to her household, her religious duties, and her offspring. “He is my lord, he has authority over all my actions and I over none,” the devoted wife repeated dutifully.4 It would be a useful motto for queens in the centuries to come. “The Contempt of the world”On a gentle May morning in 1662, the ship carrying twenty-three-year-old Catherine Braganza, princess of Portugal, entered Portsmouth harbor. Though no great beauty and a Catholic to boot, Catherine had been chosen as the wife of King Charles II for the rich dowry she trailed in her wake—the cession of Bombay and Tangier, which would open up India to England. Standing on the ship’s deck, tiny brunette Catherine was all hope and eagerness and fear. Hope that she would be a good queen, a beloved wife, a happy mother. Eagerness to meet her husband—handsome, swarthy Charles. Fear of finding herself cast adrift on foreign shores without her family. But in addition to hope, eagerness, and fear, Catherine came to England armed with steely resolve. She had promised her mother, Portugal’s fierce queen regent, that she would never, ever tolerate Charles’s infamous mistress, Barbara, Lady Castlemaine, at her court. Her mother had lectured Catherine about this auburn-haired hussy who brazenly betrayed a good husband, raped the treasury, had given the king one royal bastard nine months after their liaison began, and was already pregnant again. Sir John Reresby, who officially welcomed the princess in Portsmouth, announced with some misgivings that Catherine “had nothing visible about her capable to make the King forget his inclinations to the Countess of Castlemaine, the finest woman of her age.”5 And indeed, as church bells rang in London to announce the bride’s arrival on English soil, Charles remained in London dining with his stunning and very pregnant mistress. As his bride waited in Portsmouth and bonfires were lit across the country, Charles spent every spare moment with Lady Castlemaine for six days straight. By the time Charles finally bestirred himself to ride to Portsmouth, poor Catherine, humiliated with waiting, was ill of a fever. When Charles was introduced to his bride, he was shocked less at her buckteeth than at her hairdo, dressed in the Iberian style of corkscrews projecting horizontally from either side of her head and then hanging like sausages down to her shoulders. “At first sight,” Charles told a friend, “I thought they had brought me a bat instead of a woman.”6

• From Wild (2012)

  “It’s so good to see you,” I said once I had it on, attempting to not seem to be hunching in a remotely upright position because I had to, but rather leaning forward with purpose and intention. “I haven’t seen anyone on the trail so far. I thought there’d be more—hikers.” “Not many people hike the PCT. And certainly not this year, with the record snow. A lot of people saw that and postponed their trips until next year.” “I wonder if that’s what we should do?” I asked, hoping he’d say he thought that was a great idea, coming back next year. “You’re the only solo woman I’ve met so far out here and the only one I’ve seen on the register too. It’s kind of neat.” I replied with a tiny whimper of a smile. “You all ready to go?” he asked. “Ready!” I said, with more vigor than I had. I followed him up the trail, walking as fast as I could to keep up, matching my steps with the click of his trekking pole. When we reached a set of switchbacks fifteen minutes later, I paused to take a sip of water. “Greg,” I called to him as he continued on. “Nice to meet you.” He stopped and turned. “Only about thirty miles to Kennedy Meadows.” “Yeah,” I said, giving him a weak nod. He’d be there the next morning. If I continued on, it would take me three days. “It’ll be cooler up there,” Greg said. “It’s a thousand feet higher than this.” “Good,” I replied wanly. “You’re doing fine, Cheryl,” he said. “Don’t worry about it too much. You’re green, but you’re tough. And tough is what matters the most out here. Not just anyone could do what you’re doing.” “Thanks,” I said, so buoyed by his words that my throat constricted with emotion. “I’ll see you up in Kennedy Meadows,” he said, and began to hike away. “Kennedy Meadows,” I called after him with more clarity than I felt. “We’ll make a plan about the snow,” he said before disappearing from sight. I hiked in the heat of that day with a new determination. Inspired by Greg’s faith in me, I didn’t give quitting another thought. As I hiked, I pondered the ice ax that would be in my resupply box. The ice ax that allegedly belonged to me. It was black and silver and dangerous-looking, an approximately two-foot-long metal dagger with a shorter, sharper dagger that ran crosswise at the end. I bought it, brought it home, and placed it in the box labeled Kennedy Meadows, assuming that by the time I actually reached Kennedy Meadows I would know how to use it—having by then been inexplicably transformed into an expert mountaineer.

• From Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection (2013)

  Because my own research program has uncovered considerable evidence over the past decade on the benefits of meditation, I offer at least one meditation practice in each of the next four chapters. But don’t worry. If you suspect that meditation is not for you, I’ve got plenty of other practices for you to try. I call these “micro-moment practices” because they describe consequential shifts in attention and awareness you can make within a micro-moment. You need not like or even try every practice I describe. Indeed, I suspect that you won’t. Yet please be open to experimenting. Take time to observe how the practices affect you and your interactions with others. Find one or more practices that really resonate for you. Then, identify a recurring daily event that can serve as your cue to engage in each chosen practice. “If I’m walking from my car into work,” for instance, “then I’ll practice celebratory love.” Study after study shows that making concrete “if . . . then” plans like this dramatically increases people’s success at self-change. Consider, too, whether you might benefit from making your self-reflections more formal, by using the positivity tracking tools I’ve made available on the website that accompanies this book, at www.PositivityResonance.com . In any case, be ready to see changes. Your potential for love is virtually unbounded. I see at least two reasons for this. First, positive emotions are ubiquitous. Despite the hardwired human habit of scanning current circumstances for sources of danger and negativity, positive emotions are what most people feel most frequently. This tendency toward positivity reflects the reassuring fact that most moments are indeed benign. Right in this moment, for instance, as you are reading this sentence, I suspect that you’re sitting fairly comfortably and that no one is inserting pins into your eyes. So what’s not to like about the present moment? Relax and enjoy it. Look around and you’ll come to realize that you can increase your ratio of positive to negative emotions even further by becoming more attuned to the sources of positive emotion in your midst, be they a welcomed sense of safety, a shimmer of beauty, or a small gesture of kindness. The second reason your potential for love is nearly limitless is that social interactions are also ubiquitous. Like bees and ants, we humans are ultrasocial creatures. Your life is embedded within increasingly vast networks of relationships, social ties, and broader communities. Just count up the number of people you see or communicate with on any given day. Your tally includes not only family and friends after all but also team members and other work associates, neighbors, and acquaintances, the employees and fellow customers at any business you happen to visit, and more. Love can infuse and nourish all of these connections—even whole networks of people—just as it infuses and nourishes your own body and mind.