Anxiety

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  The exit-counseling team prepared their usual educational model of information and dialogue, then brought in a licensed psychotherapist with expertise In both thought-reform techniques and dissociative disorders." Christina was eager to cooperate because her dissociative symptoms and anxiety were causing her severe distress. She was highly motivated to improve, though she had considerable difficulty controlling her dissociative states. The exit counseling went smoothly. The team's psychotherapist was able to evaluate Christina's dissociative states using the Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES) and the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-III-R Dissociative Disorders (SCID-D).13 Christina's high scores on both scales were almost totally confined to the areas of depersonalization and derealization, with some shortterm memory loss consistent with her dissociative states. She scored low for amnesia, identity confusion, and identity alteration. With this evaluation, more pervasive and serious dissociative disorders were tentatively ruled out. This exploration of dissociation allowed the team also to discuss altered states brought about by the abuse of meditation and hypnosis. At the end of three days of sensitive, gently paced counseling, Christina admitted to engaging in almost constant waking use of her mantras. She was able to see the connections between her dissociative states and her meditation practice. The team also provided material on the history and current practices of the group and its guru, which helped her to evaluate them objectively and eventually decide to sever her ties to the cult. Christina was encouraged to continue taking her medication and seeing her psychiatrist, as it would take time to determine if meditation alone was causing her depersonalization disorder and anxiety attacks. After the intervention, Christina entered counseling with someone familiar with cults and thought reform and attended a local ex-member support group. Family therapy was also strongly recommended. Continued testing with another neurologist confirmed that she did not have TLE and, slowly, under her doctor's supervision, she began to go off some of her medications. Christina still had far to go in her recovery from her cult experience. She experienced floating episodes for several weeks, sometimes associated with severe anxiety. Episodes of depersonalization and derealization, however, diminished in frequency and duration. She continued to need help with her perfectionism, modulation of feeling states, and realistic planning for the future (such as moving out of her parents' home, finding new directions in her career, and coming to terms with her changing values and beliefs). Most of all, she needed reassurance that what she was going through was normal for a person with her degree of cult involvement, and that with patience, she would pass through this difficult stage. Christina's case illustrates the confusion in diagnosis that is likely to occur when cult involvement is not taken into account. It is also a good example of the interplay that can occur between various professionals, agencies, and resources once cult involvement is recognized as a significant factor in symptomatology. Psychological TestingMany psychometric instruments may prove helpful to the clinician working with current or former cult members.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  So Pranav walked himself through Replace and Embrace. With specify, specify, specify, he pondered. “It’s hard to explain,” he said. “I guess it’s that I’ll be a burden, will be annoying, or will be catching the person at an inconvenient time.” What’s the worst that can happen? “I guess whoever’s on the other end of the line will think I don’t have my stuff together. They’ll think I’m not competent enough to know when to call or what to say.” Excellent. Houston, we have our problem: “They’ll think I don’t have my stuff together.” Okay, so let’s walk our way through the questions. First up: “How bad would that really be?” Pranav thinks for a minute. “It’s not exactly a disaster,” he said slowly. “It’s not like I would die or something. But I picture them rolling their eyes and talking to me like I’m in preschool.” He asked himself the question again: And how bad would that really be? “It feels bad. It would be embarrassing.” But with a worst-case scenario whittled down from snarling guard dog to yappy ankle-biter, he was able to think, Well, I’ve sure felt that a lot. I guess it’s not horrible. It’s like a kidney stone—feels bad, but it always passes. I guess if someone thinks I don’t have my stuff together to order pad thai it doesn’t mean I don’t have my stuff together in general. Awesome. Now for What are the odds? Pranav thinks. He concludes: “These guys have probably heard it all. Drunken stories. Arguments. They probably don’t care if I change my order midstream.” Finally, How would you cope? Pranav ponders. “If someone was annoyed? I guess there’s nothing to do. I’d feel bad about it for a few minutes, but then I’d probably get distracted by the next thing: my kids, my work, something.” With this, Pranav shrunk his anxiety from Venti to Short. It didn’t disappear, but it was helpful to remind himself it wasn’t as bad as he first thought—plus he could handle it. Next, Embrace. First Pranav struggled with mindfulness. It was too hard to notice the thoughts without doing something about them. The problem solver in him got tangled too easily. Then, one Thursday evening, Pranav was exhausted. It had already been a long week and the final thing on his schedule was to call a collaborator in Australia. Pranav’s brain started dreading the call, but at that moment he found he could let the thoughts go. “I was basically too tired to respond. I was mindful by accident, but I was mindful. I saw the worried thoughts run and just said, ‘Meh.’ I got excited when I realized what had happened—it really was like realizing you’re watching a movie.”

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Doing it allThe trouble with women is that we pride ourselves on doing it all. Even though we excel at working a double shift—holding down a full-time job then coming home to housework, cooking, and raising children—we find it hard to relax and enjoy life. To make matters worse, we often refuse help because we believe only we can do it right. Even when given the opportunity to relax, we often choose to spend the time packing lunches, answering emails, or writing a mental to-do list. Life-enhancing time offIt might not be your partner or children that are stopping you from making time for sex—instead, it might be juggling commitments at work, at home, and with friends. Time for yourself will reward you with greater productivity and improve your relationships with colleagues and friends. Whatever its source, lack of sleep, stress, and a busy lifestyle cause many women to experience fatigue, weight gain, moodiness, and low sex drive. So the next time you’re running ragged all day, don’t be surprised if you head to bed feeling as sexy as a turnip. You might not be sure where or how discovering your sexuality is supposed to fit into your busy life. But accept that you need time to rest and recuperate. If, like many women, you place sex at the bottom of your to-do list, it might be time to review your priorities and make time for sex. In order to have the best relationship and sex life possible, start by following the three Ds—delegate, decrease, and disengage—to overcome stress, and find time to enhance sex and intimacy with your partner. Delegate: extend your timeMounting, nagging to-do lists drive us—and our partners—crazy, and we aren’t doing anyone any favors by trying to do it all. Our bosses and co-workers are deprived of a calm colleague, our kids of a relaxed mother, our partners and our friends of spending quality time with us. We are deprived of energy, liveliness, and rest. Prioritize your tasks. If you have a to-do list that includes more than five or six items, it is time to rethink. Put dates against tasks, and stars against anything you cannot delegate. Cross out nonessential tasks. Your delegation operation might involve a monthly cleaning service. Housekeeping services are quite affordable, so let go of the reins and hand over the mop. Meanwhile, you will have gained an hour of rest and recuperation, which will boost your mood and your libido. Use technology to make your life easier. Order your groceries, birthday presents, and household items online. Save shopping trips for when you want to choose some sexy new underwear. Decrease: simplifyHow do you decrease? Take a deep breath and let go of perfection. Okay, so there are crumbs on the kitchen table—the world is not going to end. Barring a major bug problem, it should be safe for you to go to sleep at night without sweeping up every crumb in the house.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Ganga has also requested a support group of other children who have been in cults, but we have been unable to locate other children in our area. Other Pertinent IssuesResearch has highlighted the importance of the following issues for people who were born or raised in cults. These former cult members need: • Immediate medical and dental examinations with appropriate vaccinations against childhood diseases • Instant instruction about how some of the attitudes and behaviors learned in the cult do not go over well in the outside world • Exposure to educational and social experiences that help youngsters relate and adapt to the larger society, including its value systems • Training in conflict-resolution techniques, mediation, and the art of compromise • If children identified with the cult leader, they may need therapy with behavioral management • Help with trust and safety issues • Help for teenagers who tend to rebel once out of the cult and are at high risk for acting-out behaviors and substance abuse • Help for parents in reestablishing their own leadership roles within the family structure • Active intervention and communication within the school system and in discussing the role of the cult in the child's life with teachers and administrators26 Of course, postcult issues will express themselves somewhat differently in each family, depending on the age of the children, how long they were in the cult, what kinds of experiences they had, and the circumstances of leaving. In instances where parents and/or siblings remain in the cult, young people will face extraordinary challenges in entering and adjusting to mainstream society. Additionally, the Safe Passage Foundation (www.safepassagefoundation.org) points out that youths who leave cults without adequate education or job skills "are easily marginalized and exceptionally vulnerable to exploitation by gangs and the sex trade, suicide, medical complications, crime and substance abuse ... Adolescents may leave [their] communities with little or no money or knowledge of family contacts who could provide help. Some even escape secretly. They may fear or mistrust authority and government officials and are unlikely to quickly locate the resources available in the widely dispersed and fragmentary support agencies that exist worldwide. Even after the initial crisis period of adjustment has passed, this often invisible and silent demographic remains at high risk of depression, self-mutilation, alienation, substance abuse, suicide and accidental death."27 Fortunately today there are some (but still not nearly enough) resources, support networks, and an increasing understanding of the needs and concerns of this subpopulation of former cult members. The Safe Passage Foundation is one promising organization, as are the many websites created and maintained by former members of myriad groups. Also, we are witnessing growing awareness about children in cults among social scientists, mental health practitioners, and legal professionals. This awareness had led to the production of video documentaries, media coverage, scientific research, publications, and congressional appeals. Identity Issues for Children Entering or Reentering Mainstream SocietyIdentity is a mental construct that provides a framework for relating to the world.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  It took quite half-an-hour for the pageant to pass; and when it had done so the people put their fingers to their lips, and whistled and cheered and clapped. Mrs Fryer wept, because her neighbour’s eldest daughter was walking in the line, dressed as a match-girl.I wished that Florence were with me, and kept looking for her damson-coloured suit and her daisy, but - though I saw just about every other unionist who had ever passed through our parlour — I did not see her once. When I found her at last, she was in the speakers’ tent: she had spent all afternoon there, listening to the lectures. ‘Have you heard?’ she said when she saw me. ‘There’s a rumour that Eleanor Marx is coming: I daren’t leave the tent, for fear of missing her address!’ It turned out she had eaten nothing since breakfast: I went off to buy her a packet of whelks from a stall, and a cup of ginger ale. When I returned I found Ralph beside her, sweating, still pulling at his collar, and paler than ever. Every seat in the tent was taken, and there were people standing, besides. It was stiflingly hot, and the heat was making everyone restless and cross. One speaker had recently made an unpopular point, and been booed from the platform.‘They won’t boo you, Ralph,’ I said; but when I saw that he was really miserable, I took his arm, left the baby with Florence, and led him from his seat into the cooler air outside. ‘Come on, come and have a fag with me. You mustn’t let the crowd see you are nervous.’We stood just beyond a flap of the tent - a couple of men from Ralph’s factory went by, and raised their hands to us - and I lit us two cigarettes. Ralph’s fingers shook as he held his, and he almost dropped it, then smiled apologetically: ‘What a fool you must think me.’‘Not at all! I remember how frightened I was on my first night; I thought I would be sick.’‘I thought I would be sick, a moment ago.’‘Everybody thinks it, and no one is’ This wasn’t quite true: I had often seen nervous artistes bent over bowls and fire-buckets at the side of the stage; but I did not, of course, tell Ralph this.‘Did you ever play before a crowd that was rather rough, Nance?’ he asked me now.‘What?’ I said. ‘At one hall - Deacon’s, in Islington - there was a poor comedian on before us and some fellows jumped on to the stage and held him upside-down over the footlights, trying to set his hair on fire.’

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  Only when the bells had rung half-past five did I step again into the courtyard, and look about me: I was now almost numb. There was a little girl nearby, carrying a great tray about her neck, filled with bundles of watercresses. I went up to her, and asked how far it was to Quilter Street; and then, because she looked so sad and cold and damp - and also because I had a confused idea that I must not turn up on Florence’s doorstep entirely empty-handed - I bought the biggest of her cress bouquets. It cost a ha’penny.With this cradled awkwardly in the crook of my stiff arm I began the short walk to the street I wanted; soon I found myself at the end of a wide terrace of low, flat houses - not a squalid terrace, by any means, but not a very smart one either, for the glass in some of the street-lamps was cracked, or missing entirely, and the pavement was blocked, here and there, by piles of broken furniture, and by heaps of what the novels politely term ashes. I looked at the number of the nearest door: number 1. I started slowly down the street. Number 5 ... number 9 ... number 11 ... I felt weaker than ever... 15 ... 17...19...Here I stopped, for now I could see the house I sought quite clearly. Its drapes were drawn against the dark, and luminous with lamplight; and seeing them, I felt suddenly quite sick with apprehension. I placed a hand against the wall, and tried to steady myself; a boy walked by me, whistling, and gave me a wink - I suppose he thought I had been drinking. When he had passed I looked about me at the unfamiliar houses in a kind of panic: I could remember the sense of purpose that had visited me in Green Street, but it seemed a piece of wildness, now, a piece of comedy - I would tell it to Florence, and she would laugh in my face.But I had come so far; and there was nowhere to turn back to. So I crept to the rosy window, and then to the door; and then I knocked, and waited. I seemed to have presented myself at a thousand thresholds that day, and been cruelly disappointed or repulsed, at all of them. If there was no word of kindness for me here, I thought, I would die.At last there came a murmur and a step, and the door was opened; and it was Florence herself who stood there - looking remarkably as she had when I had seen her first, peering into the darkness, framed against the light and with the same glorious halo of burning hair.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  When we left the Troc, however, it was to drive to Deacon’s Music Hall, in Islington. This was an altogether different place: small and old, with an audience drawn from the streets and courts of Clerkenwell - and inclined, in consequence, to be rather rough.We didn’t mind a rowdy crowd, as a rule, for it could be unnerving to work the prim West End theatres, where the ladies were too gentle or well-dressed to bang their hands together or to stamp, and where only the drunken swells of the promenade really whistled and shouted as a proper music-hall audience should. We had never worked Deacon’s before, but we had once done a week at Sam Collins’, up the road. There the crowd had been humble and gay - working-people, women with babies in their arms - the kind of audience I liked best of all, because it was the kind of which, until very recently, I had myself been a member.The Deacon’s crowd were noticeably shabbier than the folk at Islington Green, but no less kind; if anything, indeed, they were inclined to be kinder, jollier, more willing to be moved and thrilled and entertained. Our first week there went well - they packed the hall for us. It was on the Saturday night of the second week that the trouble came - on a Saturday night at the end of September, a night of fog - one of those grey-brown evenings, when all the streets and buildings of the city seem to waver a little at the edges.The roads are always choked on such a night, and on this particular evening the traffic between Windmill Street and Islington was horribly slow, for there had been an accident along the way. A van had overturned; a dozen boys had rushed to sit upon the horse’s head, to stop the beast from rising; and our own carriage could not pass for half an hour or more. We arrived at Deacon’s terribly late, to find the place as wild as the street we had just left. The crowd had had to wait for us, and were impatient. Some poor artiste had been sent on to sing a comic song and keep them occupied, but they had started to heckle him quite mercilessly; at last - the fellow had begun a clog dance - two roughs had jumped upon the stage and pulled the boots from him, and tossed them up to the gallery. When we arrived, breathless and flustered but ready to sing, the air was thick with shouts and bellows and screams of laughter. The two roughs had hold of the comic singer by the ankles, and were holding him so that his head dangled over the flames of the footlights, in an attempt to set fire to his hair.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. JAMES 5:14–15I will not fear, because God is with me. I will not be discouraged, because God will strengthen me and help me. ISAIAH 41:10 Jesus was pierced for my transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds I am healed. ISAIAH 53:4–5But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the LORD . JEREMIAH 30:17Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits - who forgives all my sins and heals my diseases, who redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. PSALM 103:2–45 STRESS & ANXIETY My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. PSALM 73:26For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 TIMOTHY 1:7When anxiety is great within me, your consolation brings me joy. PSALM 94:19I will not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God. PHILIPPIANS 4:6I will cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me. 1 PETER 5:76 WISDOM The Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. PROVERBS 2:6I will not forsake wisdom, and she will protect me; I will love wisdom, and she will watch over me. The beginning of wisdom is this: get wisdom. Though it costs all I have, I will get understanding. PROVERBS 4:6–7But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. JAMES 3:17My heart plans my way, but the Lord directs my steps. PROVERBS 16:97 JOY I will count it all joy when I fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of my faith produces patience. JAMES 1: 2Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. PSALM 30:10–11The joy of the Lord is my strength. NEHEMIAH 8:10May the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit I may abound in hope. ROMANS 15:138 PURITY To the pure, all things are pure. TITUS 1:15Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. MATTHEW 5:8Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. PSALM 51:10How can a young person stay on the path of purity?

• From The Chronology of Water (2011)

  On the forest trail to the put in I remember Hannah being annoyed with me, because it took me too long to put my life jacket on and too long to secure my paddle into my kayak and too long to pick my kayak up and trudge down the forest trail to the put in as I stopped and turned to look at things and got the kayak tip caught in bushes and wow look at my own magnificent red converse sneakers a step at a time in front of me making a rhythm and cottonwood blowing around like summer snow and look at the intriguing hats in the branches no wait those are BIRDS and stopping and laughing until she came back for me going WHAT ARE YOU DOING, EXACTLY? My kayak in the dirt. Eye to eye, she saw it. Christ Lidia, you are high. What the fuck? You have to go in the water. To my huhuhuhuhuhuh. So she slapped me hot and hard right on the cheek. Time stopped. I’m pretty sure my pupils pinned. I saw stars. I liked it. For a split second I felt alive. I wanted her to do it again. Harder. But I didn’t say anything. Hannah turned and picked up her kayak and left the trail in the trees, making for the rocks near the river’s edge. We could see the rest of our class up ahead - some on the rocks, some in the water. Still stunned into focus, at the point where the rocks met the water I saw a dead steelhead, half in water, half out. Even dead, she was something. The silver and black and blue sheen of her body, the white of her underbelly. She smelled like ocean. “She” because of her split open belly, and the dried up jelly of sunburned eggs on the rocks. I had a hard time not looking. LIDIA. Hannah calling. No one seemed to notice we were a little late, they just dipped in and paddled around like spinning ducks in a big pool of slow water, their shiny bright colored helmets looking like Easter eggs to me. Big red’s hair briefly mesmerized me, as usual, and I reached my hand out to touch it, but Hannah pinched my arm where fat grows and I got clear again. In we went, Hannah ahead of me, me getting a little too interested in the black lines on the ends of my paddle. Huhuhuhuhuhuh. I had my bright blue tard helmet on backwards but no one noticed.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  By the way, this contradicted gender norms of the day, which usually said only men could be disciples. Women should be where Martha was—in the kitchen, in the background, unseen and unheard. There’s nothing wrong with serving in the background, of course. Jesus had a lot to say about serving. It’s a good thing and we should do more of it, not less. But serving should never replace being in God’s presence. And it definitely shouldn’t be imposed upon someone based on gender or some other cultural stereotype. Mary didn’t let gender norms, family expectations, to-do lists, or even smoke pouring from the kitchen stop her. She wanted to be with Jesus. So she ignored everything else, sat down, and listened. Period. She didn’t let good things distract her from the best thing. Martha, on the other hand, was busy. Not just occupied, but genuinely stressed out. Anxious, worried, upset, distracted, overwhelmed, frantic, pressured. That sounds a lot like our culture today. There is always more to do than there is time to do it. We are always running, eternally working, constantly distracted. We flaunt our busyness like a merit badge, as if being forever busy is proof of our importance. But what if being forever busy is simply proof that we don’t have our priorities right? Not too long ago, while on vacation, I read The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer. It wrecked me in a good way. He argues that busyness is one of the greatest enemies of spirituality. He says this: Because what you give your attention to is the person you become . Put another way: the mind is the portal to the soul, and what you fill your mind with will shape the trajectory of your character. In the end, your life is no more than the sum of what you gave your attention to.1 I don’t want the sum of my life to be my résumé. I want it be relationships. First with God, second with my family, and third with my friends and others in my life. There is a place for working hard, setting goals, and using time effectively. I’ll be the first to say that. I love dreaming big and then striving to achieve those dreams. Seeing tangible results thrills me. But there is also a place for setting down the phone, turning off the laptop, and tuning in to God and people around us. We need to learn how to be present in the moment. That is exactly what prayer does for us. It seats us at the feet of Jesus. We listen to Him and learn from Him, we grow closer to Him, even if that means lunch is a bit delayed. When you already have too much to do, it feels counterintuitive to do nothing. To sit in the presence of God and listen. But choosing to be with Jesus is choosing “what is better,” to quote Him.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  EIGHTEEN The lost art of listening We’ve covered a lot of territory in this book. I hope you are more excited about prayer than ever, and more confident that prayer is a skill you can excel at. In this final chapter, we are going to look at one of the topics of prayer that causes the most confusion and frustration: Learning to hear the voice of God. Talking to God is easy, but listening to Him? Hearing His voice? Understanding His leading? That’s a lot harder. Speaking of talking, I do a lot of it. It’s pretty much built into the job description of a preacher, after all. I literally get paid to stand in front of people and talk. There’s a lot more to the job than that, of course, but that’s the most public part. Now, if you’ve been to very many church services, you know how this typically works—the preacher stands up front with a microphone, shares whatever is on their heart for longer than they meant to, apologizes for going overtime, keeps preaching, apologizes again, keeps preaching some more, prays a prayer that includes the points they didn’t get to during their message, and finally closes the service. I love it. I don’t take it for granted at all. I’m aware that I’m sharing my own point of view, that I don’t have all the answers, and that everybody listening to me has total freedom to agree or disagree with what I say. That’s part of the fun. I do have one pet peeve with preaching, though. What I’m about to describe doesn’t happen every week, but when it does, it’s usually the same people who do it. After the closing prayer, while everybody is packing up their stuff and deciding where to eat lunch, someone will come up to me and say how much they loved the message, how much they agree with it, and how it’s exactly what they’ve

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  Difficulties of Living in Two WorldsThere are four specific areas of concern regarding children born and/or raised in a cult: i. The difficulties experienced by children who live in a cult environment but also have to interact with the world outside 2. Special health and medical problems caused by neglect and abuse 3. The psychological effects of physical, emotional, and sexual trauma 4. The adjustment difficulties encountered after leaving the cult Many children in cults need to interact with the larger society. This happens mostly in the context of going to school. Cult children have to learn to balance a double standard of values, mores, and beliefs in order to function in both segments of their lives. Cults differ from other groups with religious, philosophical, or cultural beliefs and norms. One major difference is that cults impose an us-versus-them mentality that is characterized by isolationism, elitism, secrecy, and a fear of outsiders that can border on paranoia. This places a heavy burden on children interacting with the "evil" outside world. If a group participates in illegal or taboo activities, then children will be additionally burdened by shame and fear. For example, for a time in the Children of God (COG), incest and child and adult prostitution were practiced, though these acts are illegal and highly stigmatized in mainstream society.8 Because they are often forbidden to talk with outsiders about such acts, children in COG and similar groups are at a severe disadvantage when interacting with outsiders. These prohibitions reinforce the isolation, distrust, and fear these children feel. The following account by a young woman who lived with a foot in both worlds, so to speak, illustrates some of these dilemmas and conflicts.9 Shippen D. grew up in a family of practitioners of Ceremonial Magick, based on the writings of Aleister Crowley. Shippen took vows and had a role in her family and in its community of believers (Ordo Templi Orientis); at the same time, she was a typical teenager who performed in an honors youth symphony, wrote plays, and danced in school programs. At some point in her teen years, she began to rebel against her parents and the group: I was taught that magick is about control of oneself, one's circumstances, and of others. It is also about becoming more than human, which in my family meant an ability to strip oneself of the trappings of personality in orderto come to terms with some kind of essence. Ceremonial Magick, as I experienced it, used sex rites and sacrifice, but in very limited, controlled ways. Self-actualization was the focus of most of the disciplines and studies. My parents worked to train me in the meditative arts necessary fora magician and psychic. I remember vividly much of the training and many of the experiences. The most striking part was the sense of being specially endowed with gifts others didn't have, gifts that couldn't be talked about or shared with anyone but my parents.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  The music grew louder, and my head began to ache; my seat seemed narrower than ever. I looked at my watch, but the lights were too low for me to read it; I had to tilt it so that its face caught the glow from the stage, and in doing so, my elbow caught Diana and made her sigh with pique, and glare at me. The watch showed five to nine — how glad I was that I had wound it, now! The opera was just at that ridiculous point where the countess and the maid have forced the principal boy into a frock and locked him in a closet, and the singing and the rushing about is at its worst. I turned to Diana. I said, ‘Diana, I can’t bear it. I shall have to wait for you in the lobby.’ She put a hand out to grip my arm, but I shook her away, and rose and — saying ‘Pardon me, oh! pardon-me!’ to every tutting lady and gent whose legs I stumbled over or feet I trampled — I made my halting way along the row, towards the usher and the door.Outside, the lobby was wonderfully quiet after all the shrieking on the stage. At the coat-desk the Italian man sat with a paper. When I went over to him, he sniffed: ‘He ain’t here,’ he said, when I asked after Bill. ‘He don’t stay once the show starts. Did you want your cloak?’I said I didn’t. I left the theatre, and headed for Drury Lane — very conscious of my suit, and the shine on my shoes, and the flower at my lapel. When I reached the Middlesex I found a group of boys outside it studying the programme and commenting on the acts. I went and peered over their shoulders, looking for the names I wanted, and a number.Walter Waters and Kitty, I saw at last: it gave me a shock to know that Kitty had lost her Butler, and was working under Walter’s old stage-name. They were, as Bill had said, placed near the start of the second half — fourteenth on the list, after a singer and a Chinese conjuror.In the booth inside sat a girl in a violet dress. I went to her window, then nodded to the hall. ‘Who’s on stage?’ I asked. ‘What number are they at?’ She looked up; and when she saw my suit, she tittered.‘You’ve lost your way, dearie,’ she said. ‘You want the Opera, round the corner.’ I bit my lip, and said nothing, and her smile faded. ‘All right, Lord Alfred,’ she said then. ‘It’s number twelve, Belle Baxter, Cockney Chanteuse.’I bought a sixpenny ticket — she pulled a face at that, of course: ‘Thought we should have the red carpet brung up, at the least.’ The truth was, I dared not venture too close to the stage.

• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  I’m quite broke till pay-day.’Kitty was booked to appear, that night, a little way into the first half of the show. While I helped her with her collar and her neck-tie and her rose, I felt quite steady; but when we walked to the wing to wait for her number to go up, to gaze from the shadows at the unfamiliar theatre and its vast and careless crowd, I felt myself begin to tremble. I looked at Kitty. Her face was white beneath its layer of paint - though whether with fear, or with fierce ambition, I could not tell. With no other motive, I swear, than to comfort her - so mindful was I of that new resolve, to play her sister and nothing more - I took her hand, and pressed it.When the stage-manager finally gave her his nod, however, I had to turn my eyes away. There was no chairman at this hall to bring the crowd to order, and the act Kitty had to follow was a popular one - a comedian, who had been called back upon the stage four times, and who had had to plead with the audience, in the end, to let him make his exit. They had done so grudgingly; they were disappointed and distracted now when the orchestra struck up with the first bars of Kitty’s opening song. When Kitty herself stepped out into the glare of the footlights to wave her hat and call ‘Hallo!’, there was no answering roar from the gallery, only a half-hearted ripple of applause from the boxes and stalls - for the sake, I suppose, of her costume. When I forced my gaze at last into the hall I saw that the audience was restless - that people were on their feet, heading for the bar or the lavatory; that boys were perched upon the gallery rail with their backs to us; that girls were calling to friends three rows away, or gossiping with their neighbours, looking everywhere but at the stage, where Kitty - lovely, clever Kitty - sang and strode and sweated.But slowly, slowly, the mood of the theatre changed - not tremendously, but enough. When she finished her first song a man leaned from a balcony to shout, ‘Now bring Nibs back on!’ - meaning Nibs Fuller, the comedian whom Kitty had replaced. Kitty didn’t blink; while the band played the warm-up to her next number she raised her hat to the man and called, ‘Why, does he owe you money?’ The crowd laughed - and listened more carefully to her next song, and clapped more briskly when she finished it.

• From Worried about Everything Because I Pray about Nothing (2022)

  It’s called spiritual bypassing . The term originated in the field of psychology. Psychologist and professor Dr. Philip Clark defines it as “the avoidance of underlying emotional issues by focusing solely on spiritual beliefs, practices, and experiences.”1 In other words, spiritual bypassing means that instead of paying the price to understand and fix things that are out of alignment in your thoughts and emotions, you try to cover up the issues and move on by “praying about it,” or “just having faith,” or something similar. We do this more than we probably realize. It can be difficult to identify spiritual bypassing, though. After all, we should turn to prayer when we feel overwhelmed. That’s the premise of the “pray about everything, be anxious about nothing” verse. No matter what needs or problems we face, whether little or big, the Bible tells us to pray, have faith, and trust God. Is that spiritual bypassing? No. Well, not in and of itself. Prayer is not the problem. We should always pray. The problem is when we don’t take personal responsibility for what we need to do. The moment we use prayer, faith, Bible, church, tithing, God, heaven, or any other spiritual belief or practice to avoid personal responsibility, we’ve crossed the line into spiritual bypassing. On a practical level, what does spiritual bypassing look like? Usually, it means substituting internal growth or tangible action with a cheap appeal to: Prayer: “Just pray about it.”Faith: “If you just had more faith . . .”Heaven: “This earth is sinful and broken; all will be made right in heaven.”God’s sovereignty: “His ways are higher than ours, so don’t try to understand.”Spiritual disciplines: “If you would give/fast/volunteer, you would be blessed.”Forgiveness: “You have to forgive, forget, and move on.”Unity: “If you disagree or complain, you’re causing division.” Vision: “I know you’re suffering, but you are part of something bigger, so it’s worth it.”Love: “Love covers a multitude of sins; love keeps no record of wrongs.”The difficult thing with spiritual bypassing is that it sounds so, well, spiritual . It’s hard to object when the person doing the bypassing is quoting the Bible or appealing to your generous, compassionate nature. The bulleted list above consists of good things, after all. And most of the phrases in quotes come from the Bible or can be supported biblically. The difference, though, is how they are being used. Are we quoting the Bible and talking about spiritual things in order to serve others and to follow God wholeheartedly? Or are we using them to avoid change, escape accountability, or control people? These are important questions to answer because God is not impressed with fake spirituality. He is not manipulatable, and He doesn’t take kindly to people manipulating other people in His name. He also doesn’t want us to deceive ourselves into thinking we are healthy, happy, and holy just because we checked off our spiritual to-do list this morning.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  This is one reason why many so-called seekers hop from one cult to another or go in and out of the same group or relationship. Because every person needs something to believe in-a philosophy of life, a way of being, an organized religion, a political commitment, or a combination thereof-sorting out matters of belief is a major part of postcult adjustment. Often cult involvement is an attempt to live out some form of your personal beliefs, so the process of figuring out what to believe after you leave will be easier if you can dissect the cult's belief system. When you feel ready, take some time to evaluate your group's ideology, philosophy, and worldview. Define it for yourself in noncult language. Research the tradition out of which the cult grew (most cult ideologies stem from existing belief systems, and many cult leaders claim that lineage as part of their proof of legitimacy). Now you can find out for yourself what that tradition is actually about and how it was usurped or distorted by the cult. After you dissect the cult's beliefs, it may help you to go back and research the spiritual or philosophical belief system you had prior to your cult involvement. Through this process, you will be better able to assess what is real or safe, and what is off base. You will gain a basis for comparison that will enable you to separate yourself from the cult's beliefs, and question and explore areas of belief that were systematically closed to you in the cult. Most former members shy away from organized religion or any kind of organized group for quite a while after leaving a cult, and pastoral counselors are advised to do no proselytizing to former members at this time.11 Those for whom a religious affiliation is important sometimes find comfort in their precult religion and return to a church, synagogue, mosque, or place of worship in that tradition. That scenario, however, seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Most former cult members advisably take time before choosing another religious affiliation or group involvement. When you begin to get involved in something new, and should you have any concerns that it may be another cultic group, check it out as best you can by asking many questions and settling for no evasive answers. Use the checklists and resources in the Appendixes at the back of this book. Above all, if you have any doubts, trust your own instincts, ask others who are not in the new group about it, and slow down. Don't jump into any new commitments until you feel certain that the organization is legitimate, and any involvement will be beneficial to you. Vocational and Career Issues"So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" If you have just left a cult, you may find yourself asking that question at age thirty or forty, or older.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  In a study by the psychologist Paul Martin and colleagues using the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI), the Beck Depression Inventory, the Hopkins Symptom Checklist, and clinical interviews of in clients at a rehabilitation facility, it was noted, not surprisingly, that for mer cult members exhibit considerable distress in the areas of anxiety, depression, and dissociation. 14 The DES and SCID-D have also proven useful in determining the degree and scope of dissociation, with the SCID-D indicating specific dissociative disorders. It is heartening to note that treatment has shown demonstrable effectiveness in reducing postcult distress, as measured by pre- and posttreatment testing. HospitalizationThere have been some studies of the usefulness or necessity of psychiatric hospitalization in the treatment of former cult members. Some patients are selfreferred; families may bring others in; and others are dropped off at hospital emergency rooms when their symptoms become too severe for the cult to handle. As illustrated in Christina's case and other examples in previous chapters, decompensation may occur both during and after involvement in intensive thought-reform environments. Psychiatrist David Halperin writes, "If psychiatric intake workers are not sensitive to cult issues and do not bother to inquire about their patients' possible cultic involvements, they will not realize the extent to which a patient's presenting symptomatology may be related to powerful group pressures and their aftereffects. As a consequence, they will tend to overestimate and misunderstand the psychopathology and inappropriately treat the cult-involved individual. Sometimes such misdiagnosing can result in unnecessarily prolonged inpatient treatment."" Halperin suggested the following considerations when working with current or former cult members who require hospitalization: • Careful assessment of the individual's pre-affiliation status. Cult affiliation may precipitate a brief psychotic reaction. It may also be symptomatic of severe underlying pathology and chronic illness. Even in an otherwise intact individual, the brief psychotic reaction may be surprisingly severe, with the patient manifesting agitated, suspicious, confused, and quasi-manic behavior. However, hospitalization, which places the individual in a structured and protected setting without further contact with members of the cultic group, is usually successful in terminating the brief psychotic reaction. • Treatment of an individual with a problematical pre-affiliation history is often protracted and complex. Mood stabilizers, anxiolytic agents, and neuroleptics may be required. • Follow-up care in halfway houses and other supportive settings, in particular rehabilitation centers for former cultists, may be extremely helpful. In most cases, follow-up care should include exit counseling, psychotherapy, family therapy, and pharmacotherapy.16 Halperin also notes that sometimes it is appropriate to incorporate exit counseling as part of inpatient treatment, with the exit counseling team also, educating hospital staff about the realities ' and potential aftereffects of cult involvement. MedicationThere is a scarcity of data on the pharmacological treatment of former cult members or other victims of trauma.'' Caution must be taken in the decision to prescribe medication to former cult members because it is difficult at times to distinguish between symptoms that are a function of thought-reform systems versus true symptoms of psychiatric illness.

• From Wild (2012)

  “I pull it right into my tent,” said Greg, and a little something inside of me flared to life. “That’s what the backcountry rangers do. They just don’t tell anyone about it, because they’d catch hell if some bear came along and mauled someone because of it. I’ll be hanging my food in the more touristy parts of the trail, where the bears have become habituated, but until then I wouldn’t worry about it.” I nodded confidently, hoping to communicate the false notion that I knew how to correctly hang a food bag from a tree in such a way that would thwart a bear. “But then of course we might not even make it up into those areas,” said Greg. “We might not make it?” I said, blushing with the irrational thought that he’d somehow divined my plan to quit. “Because of the snow.” “Right. The snow. I heard there was some snow.” In the heat I’d forgotten about it entirely. Bud and the woman from the BLM and Mr. Todd and the man who tried to give me the bag of bread and bologna seemed like nothing now but a far-off dream. “The Sierra’s completely socked in,” Greg said, echoing Bud’s words. “Lots of hikers have given up entirely because there was a record snow-pack this year. It’s going to be tough to get through.” “Wow,” I said, feeling a mix of both terror and relief—now I’d have both an excuse and the language for quitting. I wanted to hike the PCT, but I couldn’t! It was socked in! “In Kennedy Meadows we’re going to have to make a plan,” Greg said. “I’ll be laying over there a few days to regroup, so I’ll be there when you arrive and we can figure it out.” “Great,” I said lightly, not quite willing to tell him that by the time he got to Kennedy Meadows I would be on a bus to Anchorage. “We’ll hit snow just north of there and then the trail’s buried for several hundred miles.” He stood and swung his pack on with ease. His hairy legs were like the poles of a dock on a Minnesota lake. “We picked the wrong year to hike the PCT.” “I guess so,” I said as I attempted to lift my pack and lace my arms casually through its straps, the way Greg had just done, as if by sheer desire to avoid humiliation I’d suddenly sprout muscles twice the strength of the ones I had, but my pack was too heavy and I still couldn’t get it an inch off the ground. He stepped forward to help me lift it on. “That’s one heavy pack,” he said as we struggled it onto my back. “Much heavier than mine.”

• From Justine (Alexandria Quartet vol. 1) (1957)

  Ralli is extremely nervous and is drinking copious draughts of brandy. He retells his story for the seventh time, simply because he must talk in order to quieten his nerves. The body could not have been long in the water, yet the skin was like the skin of a washerwoman’s hands. When they lifted it to get it into the hydroplane the false teeth slipped out of the mouth and crashed on to the floor-boards frightening them all. This incident seems to have made a great impression on him. I suddenly feel overcome with fatigue and my knees start to tremble. I take a mug of hot coffee and, kicking off my boots, crawl into the nearest bunk with it. Ralli is still talking with deafening persistence, his free hand coaxing the air into expressive shapes. The others watch him with a vague and dispirited curiosity, each plunged in his own reflections. Capodistria’s loader is still eating noisily like a famished animal, blinking in the sunlight. Presently a punt comes into view with three policemen perched precariously in it. Nessim watches their antics with an imperturbability flavoured ever so slightly with satisfaction; it is as if he were smiling to himself. The clatter of boots and musket-butts on the wooden steps, and up they come to take down our depositions in their notebooks. They bring with them a grave air of suspicion which hovers over us all. One of them carefully manacles Capodistria’s loader before helping him into the punt. The servant puts out his wrists for the iron cuffs with a bland uncomprehending air such as one sees on the faces of old apes when called upon to perform a human action which they have learned but not understood. It is nearly one o’clock before the police have finished their business. The parties will all have ebbed back from the lake by now to the city where the news of Capodistria’s death will be waiting for them. But this is not to be all.

• From Wild (2012)

  “Me too,” I said, though I knew it wasn’t true. Even when I was exhausted, I could never sleep in moving vehicles of any sort, and I wasn’t exhausted. I was lit up by being back in the world. I stared out the window while Greg slept. Nobody who’d known me for more than a week had any idea where I was. I am en route to Reno, Nevada, I thought with a kind of wonder. I’d never been to Reno. It seemed the most preposterous place for me to be going, dressed as I was and dirty as a dog, my hair dense as a burlap bag. I pulled all the money from my pockets and counted the bills and coins, using my headlamp to see. I had forty-four dollars and seventy-five cents. My heart sank at the paltry sight of it. I’d spent far more money than I’d imagined I would have by now. I hadn’t anticipated stops in Ridgecrest and Lone Pine, nor the bus ticket to Truckee. I wasn’t going to get more money until I reached my next resupply box in Belden Town more than a week from now, and even then it would be only twenty bucks. Greg and I had agreed we’d get rooms in a motel in Sierra City to rest up for a night after our long travels, but I had the sickening feeling I’d have to find a place to camp instead. There was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t have a credit card. I’d simply have to get through on what I had. I cursed myself for not having put more money in my boxes at the same time that I acknowledged I couldn’t have. I’d put into my boxes all the money I’d had. I’d saved up my tips all winter and spring and sold a good portion of my possessions, and with that money I’d purchased all the food in my boxes and all the gear that had been on that bed in the Mojave motel, and I wrote a check to Lisa to cover postage for the boxes and another check to cover four months of payments on the student loans for the degree I didn’t have that I’d be paying for until I was forty-three. The amount I had left over was the amount I could spend on the PCT.