Anxiety

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From Tipping the Velvet (1998)

  And she turned her face to the carriage window, where the moon showed - higher and smaller than before, but still quite pink, as if ashamed to look upon the wicked world to which it was compelled to lend its light.I, too, flushed at the lady’s words. What she had said was strange, was shocking - and yet, I guessed, might easily be true. In the bustle and swarm of the streets on which I plied my shadowy trade, a stationary or a lingering carriage would be unremarkable - especially to me, who attended to the traffic of the pavements rather than the roads. It made me horribly uneasy to think she really had been observing me, all those times ... And yet, was it not just such an audience that I had longed for? Had I not lamented, again and again, precisely the fact that my new nocturnal performances must be staged in the dark, under cover, unguessed? I thought of all the parts I had handled, the gents I’d knelt to and the cocks I’d sucked. I had done it all, as cool as Christmas; now, the idea that she had watched me went direct to the fork of my drawers and made me wet.I said - I didn’t know what else to say - I said, ‘Am I then so - special?’‘We shall see,’ she answered.After that, we spoke no more. She took me to her home, in St John’s Wood; and the house, as I guessed it must be, was grand - a high, pale villa in a well-swept square, with a wide front door and tall casement windows with many panes of glass. In one of these a single lamp sat gleaming; the neighbouring houses, however, presented only black, shuttered windows, and the clatter of our carriage sounded atrocious, to me, in the stillness - I was not then used to that total, unnatural hush which fills the streets and houses of the rich, when they are sleeping.She led me to her door, saying nothing. Her knock was answered by a grim-faced servant, who received her mistress’s cloak, looked once at me from beneath her lashes, but after that kept her eyes quite lowered. The lady paused to read the cards upon her table; and I, self-conscious, looked about me. We were in a spacious hall, at the bottom of a wide staircase winding up to darker, higher floors. There were doors - closed - to the left and the right of us. The floor was paved with marble, in squares of black and pink. The walls, to match it, were painted a deep, deep rose; and this darkened further, where the staircase curved and lifted, like the interior whorls of a shell.I heard my hostess say, ‘That will do, Mrs Hooper’, and the servant, with a bow, took her leave.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  SHOW THEM THAT YOU LIKE THEM The third part of crafting a friendship, besides repetition and disclosure, is showing others that you like them. People like those who like them. People also like those who take the initiative. In academic terms it’s called prosocial behavior, but more simply, it’s showing someone that you’re pleased to be around them. At its simplest, showing you like someone is being the first to say hi or lighting up with a smile when they say hi to you. Slightly more advanced is unnecessary conversation. I once had a colleague who would stop at every co-worker’s office in the morning to say hi. “Just saying hello,” she always said, or “Just checking in.” She called it doing the rounds. Her efforts were thoughtful and made me like her. Next is taking socializing out of the usual context and into another. For instance, parents from Nora’s daughter’s class, after connecting on the playground, may arrange a playdate, a change of context from schoolyard to home. After racking up those six to eight conversations hanging around after book club, Maddy may invite a book club buddy out for coffee, a change of context from the group to a duo. If you get invited to a get-together—someone from tai chi is having a birthday, a guy from your hip-hop class is having a Super Bowl party—go, even if just for a pop-in. People are touched when you show up to their events, and more important, it moves your friendship to another context and therefore another level. So approach. Be the first to say hi. Once your friendship has gelled in the original context, invite them on a hike, to a bookstore reading, to try the new ramen place in town. All these things are tough. Perfectionistic worry kicks in. We start worrying about the details. What if the hike is too hard for her? What if there’s no parking near the bookstore and he gets mad at me? Maybe the ramen place will be sketchy. Indeed, taking the initiative is hard. But a helpful tool is to turn the tables. How would you feel if they invited you? Probably delighted. How would you feel if something went wrong? Probably understanding. Assume the same for them. Next, be specific. Rather than, “Wanna do something sometime?” try, “The kids have been bugging me about trying that new rock climbing place—are you guys free this weekend?” Or, “Wanna grab coffee on Monday? I’m free after one o’clock.” Specification shows you’re sincere.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Next, use Embrace to show yourself some compassion: talk to yourself as you would to a good friend. Soothe, encourage, and support. Show appreciation for your efforts. Validate your fears. If you’re really hard-core and nobody’s watching, wrap your arms around yourself as you talk, literally supporting yourself. Give yourself pats on the back or an encouraging squeeze. If you hear a harsh edge creeping into your voice, forgive yourself and try again. Best of all, Replace and Embrace are just the first steps. They give you a running start into practicing the very situations you’re afraid of. Replace and Embrace won’t make your anxiety evaporate, but the questions of Replace will help shrink it and the self-compassion of Embrace will help you feel comforted. Okay, we’re all warmed up. The wrap-up: The Inner Critic only wants what’s best for you, but lets you know in an ineffective way. So reason with it. Tell it how strong you are. And remind it that kindness trumps criticism. Now, Inner Critic, if you’ll excuse us, it’s time to go face some fears. PART 3 Heading Out into the World 7 Get Started and Your Confidence Will Catch Up Brandon Stanton is prowling the streets of Chelsea, walking one of his estimated six miles a day—about a mile for every photo he posts to his phenomenally popular photoblog, Humans of New York, which as of this writing has over 20 million followers on social media. He wears well-worn chinos, a gray thermal top, and a knit beanie, perfect garb to match his penchant for laying his six-foot-four frame flat on the sidewalk to get just the right shot. He brightens when he spots three chefs—African-American women in toques and whites—taking a break outside their restaurant, and trots over to strike up a conversation. His approach is easy and authentic. He’s not unctuous, not fake. As he described it when I spoke with him, “I start talking to them as if a relationship had already been established, as if we’d known each other for a very long time.” The conversation starts to flow and he asks the women if he can take their photograph. As they chat, he lifts the camera to his eye and begins to click. Magically, effortlessly, stories and images merge. It wasn’t always this easy. In 2010, after losing his job in finance, Brandon, a self-taught photography hobbyist, decided to turn his back on the financial world and bum around the country, taking photographs in cities such as New Orleans and Pittsburgh. When, a few months later, he rolled into New York—the first time he had ever been to the city—he was awestruck by the scale, the sheer volume of people. He was instantly hooked.

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  They may be reacting in accordance with the excessive meditative or trancelike states required in the cult, or they may be trying to avoid or erase memories of unbearable experiences. In some cults, initiates are expected to have visions of the guru or demigods, see "heavenly sights," or hear "heavenly music," all of which is considered an indication of progress on the "path." Thus, a former cult member who is dissociating, hearing voices, or having visions is responding to training, not displaying a mental illness. A number of clinicians have discussed cult-induced psychopathology, particularly dissociative, post-traumatic stress, and relational disorders.7 In an issue of Psychiatric Annals devoted solely to the cult phenomenon, Margaret Singer and Richard Ofshe note that there is a predictive quality to the type of psychiatric disorders found in ex-members of specific types of groups.8 Most common, though, are varying degrees of anomie. Because of culture shock, anxiety, alienation, and disenchantment with the cult and the larger society, former cult members require a period of time to adjust and reevaluate goals, values, and identity. Also, Singer and Ofshe observed the following induced psychopathologies: • Reactive schizoaffective-like psychoses in individuals with no prior history of mental disorder, which on average lasted from one to five months • Post-traumatic stress disorders • Atypical dissociative disorders • Relaxation-induced anxiety • Miscellaneous reactions including anxiety combined with cognitive inefficiencies, self-mutilation, phobias, suicide and homicide, and a variety of physical ailments of psychogenic origin, such as myocardial infarctions, strokes, asthma, peptic ulcers, and unexpected deaths9 Specific types of groups tend to precipitate specific aftereffects. Singer and Ofshe note: "The techniques used to induce belief, change, and dependency by various thought-reform programs appear to be related to the type of psychiatric casualty the program tends to produce. Large-group awareness training programs appear more likely to induce mood and affect disorders. Groups that use prolonged mantra and empty-mind meditation, hyperventilation, and chanting appear more likely to have participants who develop relaxationinduced anxiety, panic disorder, marked dissociative problems, and cognitive inefficiencies. Therapeutic community thought-reform programs appear more likely to induce enduring fears, self-mutilation, self-abasement, and inappropriate display of artificial assertiveness and emotionality." io The following case study highlights some of these postcult dilemmas and disorders. This young woman was in an Eastern meditation cult for five years. Within a twelve-month period, she was subjected to an overwhelming array of diagnoses: bipolar disorder mixed with psychotic features, acute psychotic episode, depersonalization disorder, panic disorder, and temporal lobe epilepsy. Her case is a good example of the wisdom of combining a treatment program with exit counseling, and using a team approach for diagnosis and therapy. A Multi-method ApproachChristina R. was seeing a neuropsychiatrist weekly for the treatment of possible Temporal Lobe Epilepsy (TLE). Though neurological testing (EEGs and an MRI) failed to show signs of this disorder, she was being medicated with Tofranil, Klonopin, and Depracote for control of a depersonalization disorder and anxiety states presumably the result of TLE.

• From The Fermata (1994)

  I wanted to tell her the shocking thing that I had done. I wanted her to forgive me and love me for it. Here is how I asked her out the next day. Around eleven-thirty, she came by to drop off a tape and waved. I whipped off my phones. “How were things here last week?” I asked. Joyce was wearing a green dress I’d never seen before; her black hair was loosely tied in back with the Cyrillic scarf. I took this as a good omen. “I’m swamped with various disasters,” she said. “We missed you. The person they sent to fill in for you was none too speedy.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” I held out my hand and Joyce gave me the microcassette. “I’ll have this done in no time,” I said. “I’ve missed these tapes, you know. I like being in the middle of typing something you’ve just said into my ear and looking up and seeing you walk across the floor.” This took Joyce a tiny bit by surprise. “How was your vacation?” “It was good, quite good. Long , though.” “What have you been up to?” “I’ve been—this sounds insane—but I’ve been writing my autobiography,” I said. “Have you led an interesting life?” Joyce asked. I leaned forward. “Well, you know—I have! I have. What about you?” “No.” “That’s unfortunate,” I said. “What can I do to help?” “Find someone to sweep me away somewhere. The problem is that I have no time to do interesting stuff, because I’m so busy doing stuff that’s uninteresting. Actually, on Saturdays I go to a botanical drawing class at the Arnold Arboretum.” “Oh, well there , that’s a positive step,” I said. “I haven’t drawn a plant in years. Is it fun?” “Yes,” said Joyce. “Plants sit still. It’s like meditation, but it’s better, because you’re thinking about the plant, and not about yourself.” I shook my head sadly. “I wish I had more art in my life right now. I did allow some medical researchers to paint reflective paint on several parts of my body a few months ago. Does that count as an artistic experience?” “I should think so,” said Joyce. She asked what the researchers were trying to find out. I told her it had to do with my carpal-tunnel problem. “They were trying to figure out how much of my problem was due to typing and how much was due to other factors.” “Like what other factors? You know I have a touch of carpal, too,” she confided. “I’m sorry. The other main factor was—well—it’s this hobby of mine, something I do in my spare time.” “Oh?” she said. “In fact,” I said, “I have to talk to you about it.” “About—?”

• From Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships (2000)

  The exit-counseling team prepared their usual educational model of information and dialogue, then brought in a licensed psychotherapist with expertise In both thought-reform techniques and dissociative disorders." Christina was eager to cooperate because her dissociative symptoms and anxiety were causing her severe distress. She was highly motivated to improve, though she had considerable difficulty controlling her dissociative states. The exit counseling went smoothly. The team's psychotherapist was able to evaluate Christina's dissociative states using the Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES) and the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-III-R Dissociative Disorders (SCID-D).13 Christina's high scores on both scales were almost totally confined to the areas of depersonalization and derealization, with some shortterm memory loss consistent with her dissociative states. She scored low for amnesia, identity confusion, and identity alteration. With this evaluation, more pervasive and serious dissociative disorders were tentatively ruled out. This exploration of dissociation allowed the team also to discuss altered states brought about by the abuse of meditation and hypnosis. At the end of three days of sensitive, gently paced counseling, Christina admitted to engaging in almost constant waking use of her mantras. She was able to see the connections between her dissociative states and her meditation practice. The team also provided material on the history and current practices of the group and its guru, which helped her to evaluate them objectively and eventually decide to sever her ties to the cult. Christina was encouraged to continue taking her medication and seeing her psychiatrist, as it would take time to determine if meditation alone was causing her depersonalization disorder and anxiety attacks. After the intervention, Christina entered counseling with someone familiar with cults and thought reform and attended a local ex-member support group. Family therapy was also strongly recommended. Continued testing with another neurologist confirmed that she did not have TLE and, slowly, under her doctor's supervision, she began to go off some of her medications. Christina still had far to go in her recovery from her cult experience. She experienced floating episodes for several weeks, sometimes associated with severe anxiety. Episodes of depersonalization and derealization, however, diminished in frequency and duration. She continued to need help with her perfectionism, modulation of feeling states, and realistic planning for the future (such as moving out of her parents' home, finding new directions in her career, and coming to terms with her changing values and beliefs). Most of all, she needed reassurance that what she was going through was normal for a person with her degree of cult involvement, and that with patience, she would pass through this difficult stage. Christina's case illustrates the confusion in diagnosis that is likely to occur when cult involvement is not taken into account. It is also a good example of the interplay that can occur between various professionals, agencies, and resources once cult involvement is recognized as a significant factor in symptomatology. Psychological TestingMany psychometric instruments may prove helpful to the clinician working with current or former cult members.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  So Pranav walked himself through Replace and Embrace. With specify, specify, specify, he pondered. “It’s hard to explain,” he said. “I guess it’s that I’ll be a burden, will be annoying, or will be catching the person at an inconvenient time.” What’s the worst that can happen? “I guess whoever’s on the other end of the line will think I don’t have my stuff together. They’ll think I’m not competent enough to know when to call or what to say.” Excellent. Houston, we have our problem: “They’ll think I don’t have my stuff together.” Okay, so let’s walk our way through the questions. First up: “How bad would that really be?” Pranav thinks for a minute. “It’s not exactly a disaster,” he said slowly. “It’s not like I would die or something. But I picture them rolling their eyes and talking to me like I’m in preschool.” He asked himself the question again: And how bad would that really be? “It feels bad. It would be embarrassing.” But with a worst-case scenario whittled down from snarling guard dog to yappy ankle-biter, he was able to think, Well, I’ve sure felt that a lot. I guess it’s not horrible. It’s like a kidney stone—feels bad, but it always passes. I guess if someone thinks I don’t have my stuff together to order pad thai it doesn’t mean I don’t have my stuff together in general. Awesome. Now for What are the odds? Pranav thinks. He concludes: “These guys have probably heard it all. Drunken stories. Arguments. They probably don’t care if I change my order midstream.” Finally, How would you cope? Pranav ponders. “If someone was annoyed? I guess there’s nothing to do. I’d feel bad about it for a few minutes, but then I’d probably get distracted by the next thing: my kids, my work, something.” With this, Pranav shrunk his anxiety from Venti to Short. It didn’t disappear, but it was helpful to remind himself it wasn’t as bad as he first thought—plus he could handle it. Next, Embrace. First Pranav struggled with mindfulness. It was too hard to notice the thoughts without doing something about them. The problem solver in him got tangled too easily. Then, one Thursday evening, Pranav was exhausted. It had already been a long week and the final thing on his schedule was to call a collaborator in Australia. Pranav’s brain started dreading the call, but at that moment he found he could let the thoughts go. “I was basically too tired to respond. I was mindful by accident, but I was mindful. I saw the worried thoughts run and just said, ‘Meh.’ I got excited when I realized what had happened—it really was like realizing you’re watching a movie.”

• From Real Sex for Real Women (2008)

  Doing it allThe trouble with women is that we pride ourselves on doing it all. Even though we excel at working a double shift—holding down a full-time job then coming home to housework, cooking, and raising children—we find it hard to relax and enjoy life. To make matters worse, we often refuse help because we believe only we can do it right. Even when given the opportunity to relax, we often choose to spend the time packing lunches, answering emails, or writing a mental to-do list. Life-enhancing time offIt might not be your partner or children that are stopping you from making time for sex—instead, it might be juggling commitments at work, at home, and with friends. Time for yourself will reward you with greater productivity and improve your relationships with colleagues and friends. Whatever its source, lack of sleep, stress, and a busy lifestyle cause many women to experience fatigue, weight gain, moodiness, and low sex drive. So the next time you’re running ragged all day, don’t be surprised if you head to bed feeling as sexy as a turnip. You might not be sure where or how discovering your sexuality is supposed to fit into your busy life. But accept that you need time to rest and recuperate. If, like many women, you place sex at the bottom of your to-do list, it might be time to review your priorities and make time for sex. In order to have the best relationship and sex life possible, start by following the three Ds—delegate, decrease, and disengage—to overcome stress, and find time to enhance sex and intimacy with your partner. Delegate: extend your timeMounting, nagging to-do lists drive us—and our partners—crazy, and we aren’t doing anyone any favors by trying to do it all. Our bosses and co-workers are deprived of a calm colleague, our kids of a relaxed mother, our partners and our friends of spending quality time with us. We are deprived of energy, liveliness, and rest. Prioritize your tasks. If you have a to-do list that includes more than five or six items, it is time to rethink. Put dates against tasks, and stars against anything you cannot delegate. Cross out nonessential tasks. Your delegation operation might involve a monthly cleaning service. Housekeeping services are quite affordable, so let go of the reins and hand over the mop. Meanwhile, you will have gained an hour of rest and recuperation, which will boost your mood and your libido. Use technology to make your life easier. Order your groceries, birthday presents, and household items online. Save shopping trips for when you want to choose some sexy new underwear. Decrease: simplifyHow do you decrease? Take a deep breath and let go of perfection. Okay, so there are crumbs on the kitchen table—the world is not going to end. Barring a major bug problem, it should be safe for you to go to sleep at night without sweeping up every crumb in the house.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  But I digress. The point: your goal is to get accustomed to the hijinks of your own body, whether it sweats, trembles, quavers, blushes, or what have you. Remember exposure from chapter 10? This is the same thing. “Exposure” is simply the word for going through your fear, not around it, and realizing not only is it not so bad, after some practice, it’s boring. After a few treadmill sessions, Jake felt ready to try out the next step. He powered down the treadmill and headed to the locker room, where he took a hot shower for good measure and, as soon as he could throw on his clothes, strode out of the gym and across the parking lot to the electronics store. It was working—he felt hot and flushed, which, for the first time ever, was exactly what he wanted. The automatic doors whooshed open as he entered the store for his grand showdown with his fear of judgment. He walked down the aisles, through the home theater section, through the video games where, on slow days like that one, many of his colleagues hung out. As he walked, he greeted people, trying to catch their eye. A few said hi. One of his co-workers commented on the latest Red Sox loss but didn’t say a thing about Jake’s face. Jake actually felt a little miffed. All this work to make himself red—he could tell his legs would be sore tomorrow—and no one even cared. * * * I once worked with a client, Leslie, who was worried about people noticing her pauses in conversation. So we said “bring it on” to awkward pauses and staged an experiment where she had a conversation in session with one of my colleagues. Unbeknownst to my colleague, Leslie deliberately trailed off mid-sentence and left the conversation hanging while she silently counted off five seconds, then started talking again. In the debriefing afterwards, we asked my colleague her reaction. “It was a little odd, but I figured you just lost your train of thought,” she said. “To be honest,” she admitted sheepishly, “while we were sitting there not talking, I just started thinking about the things I had to do today. I didn’t really think about you.” This is typical. Think of the last time you noticed someone who paused, said, “Um,” had a strange expression, or an unusual appearance. Were you evil and judgy about it? Probably not. More likely, you just noticed and then moved on. For Jake, even if someone had asked, with a puzzled look, “Are you okay?” Jake could have simply said, “Yeah, I’m good.” Not so bad. No judgment, just curiosity.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Twenty years later, when the media caught wind of the questions, it treated them like they were a secret recipe for love. But the specific questions aren’t magic; instead, according to the researchers, it’s the act of “sustained, escalating, reciprocal, and personalistic” disclosure that sparks liking the other person and, indeed, sparks them to like us. The thirty-six questions lead to closeness through disclosure in fast-forward. Usually what we do when we meet someone new is small talk. Small talk is important—it’s the social niceties test-track of conversation—but by definition, it stays on the surface. It’s not about you; it’s about other things—traffic, the weather, that your co-worker Darren is out sick and there must be Something Going Around. Disclosure, however, is about you. Again, it means sharing bits of what you think and do and feel. Any topic is game. Even banal small talk can be tweaked to become a disclosure. For example, talking about the weather can be a disclosure—you’re happy that it’s getting cooler because fall is your favorite season. Or when you were younger you used to love summer, but now you don’t deal with the heat as well. Or when you were a kid, every time it rained, you and your brother would “rescue” all the worms that came out on the sidewalk and bring them home in a jar, much to the chagrin of your mother. There. You’re still talking about the weather, but you’re also offering up a little tidbit about yourself, which can serve as the launchpad of conversation. When I work with the Maddys and Noras of the world about disclosure, the next question is, inevitably, “But what do I talk about?” But that’s not actually their question. Just like Maddy doesn’t want to be told to volunteer, she doesn’t need a list of possible topics. The real question is, “How do I think through the paralyzing anxiety and come up with something that doesn’t sound totally stupid?” The answer is, yet again, to lower the bar. We think we have to be interesting, entertaining, or effortless. But that’s too much pressure. Indeed, if you tell yourself you are not allowed to say anything totally stupid you won’t say anything. So start with what you’re doing or thinking. Say hi, ask how they are, and share some tidbit about what you’re doing, what you just did, what you’re planning, or what you’ve been thinking about recently. It doesn’t have to be smart, insightful, or articulate—it just has to be about you.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  He tried to replicate his accidental mindfulness the next time he ordered food. This time he was able to see his thoughts for what they were. “Wow, I’m having the thought that whoever answers the phone is going to yell at me for trying to give him my money. That would never happen.” To bolster himself even more, he thought about how he would soothe his young son in the same situation. Changing his perspective this way made him feel concerned and tender, a far cry from the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” attitude he usually used on himself. “Okay, Pranav,” he said. “Everyone gets anxious; everyone has their stuff. You’re working on this; you’re committed to trying.” He sat up a little straighter. “Plus, you can handle feeling awkward for a few minutes. If you survived the last few years, you can make some phone calls. It’s okay to feel awkward as long as you keep moving forward.” Nice work, Pranav. Let’s up the ante. Nelly is a community college student in her mid-twenties who wants to be a clothing designer and is also chasing romance. The last time she headed out to meet a guy in person after meeting online and exchanging messages, she was a nervous wreck. They’d emailed and texted back and forth. He seemed funny, actually paid attention to what she wrote, and, if his picture was to be trusted, was cute. But Nelly hated the whole process. She considered taking a swig of liquid courage before heading out, but didn’t want to show up smelling like Jack Daniel’s. “Not the image I’m going for,” she said. Another part of her image she wanted to work on was her habit of sleeping with guys on the first date because she was worried she didn’t have anything else to offer. The adult sleepover wasn’t the problem, she said, it was that she did it for the wrong reasons. “Dates literally scare the pants off me,” she said. So before her date, Nelly ran herself through Replace and Embrace. First she asked herself what she was afraid of (specify, specify, specify) and discovered a flock of questions running through her head: What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s disappointed? What if he thinks he’s wasted his time? It’s impossible to argue with questions, so Nelly changed them to statements to make them easier to contend with: He won’t like me. He’ll be disappointed. He’ll think he’s wasted his time. But it was even more than that. In this one first date Nelly foresaw her entire future, and in that future she saw herself alone with nine cats, abandoned by friends long since married. I’ll be alone forever, was her worst-case scenario. Whoa, Nelly. With a thought like that running through her head, no wonder she was anxious.

• From Less (2017)

  The bill comes, and Hans pays with a department credit card, and Less cannot be persuaded a tip is unnecessary, and then they are out on the street, where street lamps shine on black lacquered trees. He has never been this cold in his life. Ulrich stands with his hands in his pockets, swaying back and forth to a private symphony, Katarina clutching him, and Hans looks at the rooftops and says he will bring Less back to the apartment. But Bastian says no, it is the American’s first night, and he should be taken for a drink. The conversation takes place as if Less were not there. It feels like they are arguing about something else. At last, it is decided Bastian will bring Less to his favorite bar, close by. Hans says, “Mr. Less, you can find your way home?” and Bastian says a taxi will be simple. It is all happening very quickly. The others vanish into the Twingo; Less turns and sees Bastian looking at him with an indecipherable frown. “Come with me,” the young man says. But he does not lead him to a bar. He leads him to his own apartment, in Neukölln, where Less—to his surprise—spends the night. The problem comes the next morning. Less, sleepless from his evening with Bastian, sweating out all the alcohol he’s been served over the past twelve hours, still dressed in the black shirt and jeans grease-spotted from dinner, is able to climb the stairs to his building’s exterior walkway but unable to work the lock to his apartment. Over and over he presses the button on the fob, over and over he listens for the chirp of the door. But it is mute. It will not mate. Frantically looking around the courtyard, he sees birds gathering on the balcony of an upstairs maisonette. Here, of course, is the bill for last night. Here is the shame built into living. How did he imagine he would escape it? Less pictures himself sleeping in his doorway when Hans arrives to take him to the university. He imagines teaching his first class stinking of vodka and cigarette smoke. And then his eye falls upon an open window. At ten, we climb the tree higher even than our mothers’ fears. At twenty, we scale the dormitory to surprise a lover asleep in bed. At thirty, we jump into the mermaid-green ocean. At forty, we look on and smile. At four and nine?

• From The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir (2004)

  I didn’t want, afterward, just a memory. Memory would inevitably mar the truth with the vanity of nostalgia and the self-pity of lost desire. I wanted documentation, like a police log, which noted at the time—or moments later, an hour at most—the details of the crime, the crime of breaking and entering my ass, my heart. This record would say: this did happen, this did indeed come to pass in my own life, under my own watch. Besides, if I didn’t write it all down, no one would ever believe it—least of all me. I didn’t believe it two hours after he left my bed. So I wrote it all down to make it last longer. To make it real. Words seemed the only way to mark the spot, to preserve my transitory experience of eternity. This is a testamentary document. Do not miss the message, distracted by the profanity of the act. I am, you see, a woman who has been in search of surrender my whole life—to find something, someone, to whom I could subsume my ego, my will, my miserable mortality. I tried various religions and various men. I even tried a religious man. And then he found me, the agnostic who demanded my submission. “Bend over,” he’d say, gently, firmly. I can hear it now—echoing in the bowels of my being. Ass-fucking is the great anti-romantic gesture—unless of course, like me, your idea of romance begins on your knees with your face in a pillow. Poetry, flowers, and promises till-death-do-us-part have no place in the backland. Ass-entry involves the hard edge of truth, not the soft folds of sentimentality inherent in romantic love. But butt-fucking is more intimate than pussy-fucking. You risk showing your shit, as metaphor and reality. You let a man into your bowels—your deepest space, the space that all of your life you are taught to ignore, hide, keep quiet about—and consciousness is born. Who needs diamonds, pearls, and furs? Those who’ve never been where I have been. The promised land, the Kingdom. If you can let a man ass-fuck you—and only the truly sensitive lover should have that privilege—you will learn to trust not only him but yourself, totally out of control. And beyond control lies God. Humiliation is my greatest devil, but when the eye of my terror is entered, I experience my fear as unfounded. It is through this physical surrender, this forbidden pathway, that I have found my self, my voice, my spirit, my courage—and the cackle of the crone. This is no feminist treatise about equality. This is the truth about the beauty of submission. The power in submission. To me, you see, I have happened upon the great cosmic joke, God’s supreme irony. Enter the exit. Paradise waits. BEFORE THE SEARCH

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  For me, turning down the volume on my intensity is like nothing I’d ever encountered before. When I started writing this book, I dug in with typical perfectionism: I read a stack of books and papers so high it could be measured in feet. I vowed to work diligently to put what I learned into practice. In other words, I approached my type A tendencies as a problem to be vanquished like all other challenges (and yes, I fully see the irony of doubling down on letting go). Previously, if I wanted to change something in my life—start a podcast, get in shape, jump from a research career to writing—I could do it systematically: set a goal, get to work, and check it off. But this time, there were no boxes to check. Checking boxes was actually the problem. Rather than pushing, I had to let things be. Instead of working toward a goal, I had to focus on things that defied goal-setting—like values, enjoyment, and community. Instead of trying to do everything myself, I had to be vulnerable with others. Instead of following my rules, I had to be more flexible. I had to show my process to the world, rife with setbacks and snags, not just the highlighted correct answer at the end. My conscientious inner striver has come in handy for some of the changes. I prioritize sleep and exercise so I’m no longer running on fumes and caffeine. I remember to tell friends about both my screwups and my successes. And yes, I still have a to-do list, but it’s not in unrelenting chronological order anymore, and I look at what I accomplished rather than unhappily laser focusing on what was left undone. I’ve also let go a lot of the push-push-pushing that wasn’t working. I’ve tried to let go of my worst-case-scenario predictions. When my kids overdo it on screen time or sugar, I’ve stopped fretting they’ll be stunted and started remembering they are kids. I still get overwhelmed sometimes, but I’m much more magnanimous to myself when I find myself listening to My Favorite Murder when I’m supposed to be working. I trust colleagues with delegated and collaborative tasks and wonder why I didn’t do this years ago. I am learning to tolerate criticism and listen for what I can agree with rather than just defending my raised hackles. I sought out a “therapist’s therapist” and finally let myself be taken care of rather than doing all the caretaking. In short, I am learning to rest. To reach out. To be real rather than impressive. To do things for enjoyment rather than improvement. To let myself off the hook. To laugh at myself. To show more of the mess. Rather than pulling harder in my personal tug-of-war, I’m learning to drop the rope.

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Welcome to the stratosphere of perfectionism. No wonder we can’t breathe. Here we find the fourth myth of social anxiety: I have to perform perfectly. We’ve crossed a line into unrealistically high standards, rigid and relentless adherence to those standards, and, most important, a belief that one’s self-worth is contingent upon the results. Indeed, in a culture that places the standard at “flawless” it’s no wonder we’re anxious. But “perfectionism” is actually a misnomer. Few of us expect our lives—social or otherwise—to be truly perfect. Instead, perfectionism is about never being good enough. As Rosie talked about the conference, as well as other social situations she’d found herself in since then (lab meeting, showing a visiting scholar around the lab, and one excruciating bar hop with her classmates), she let the rules she’d been holding herself to slip. I must always sound intelligent. I should always have something interesting to say. There should never be gaps or silences in conversation. I should always project an air of easy confidence. I am responsible for keeping my conversation partner interested at all times. I have to be entertaining. I have to perform well. I have to make a good impression. I must connect with everyone. People need to like me. If I am not funny or cool, people will not want to be around me. Feeling pressured yet? Perfectionists have unrealistic criteria for success and broad criteria for failure. Just listening to her rules made me feel hopelessly inadequate, which made total sense; I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who could excel under those expectations. In an illustrative study, leading social anxiety researcher Dr. Stefan Hofmann of Boston University investigated the link between sky-high standards and social anxiety. He and his colleagues asked individuals with and without social anxiety to give a speech (just like making people have five-minute conversations, social anxiety researchers also love making people give speeches). Prior to their speech, all participants watched the same video of a person giving an exemplary speech—smooth, articulate, confident. However, the commentary they got along with the model speech varied greatly. In the high-standards condition, they were told, “Truthfully, most people have performed quite a bit better than the individual in the video that you will now watch.” In the low-standards condition, they heard: “Truthfully, most people have not performed quite as well as the individual in the video that you will now watch.”

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  Many of us find another way to feel less awkward and less inhibited. Someone really did bottle it, and it really does make billions. It’s liquid courage, survival juice, awesome water. Indeed, for the socially anxious among us, alcohol has many names and, surprisingly, just as many functions. It’s not just a way to feel less inhibited (“Hey, whiskey says I can dance!”) or less awkward (“Must. Grip. Beer bottle. For dear life!”). While the science of the complex relationship between social anxiety and alcohol is still emerging, I’ve encountered at least four types of socially anxious drinkers. Let’s call the first the Pre-Gamer. Meet my client Nia. She’s an administrative assistant with a wide smile. She can handle pretty much anything as “office manager Nia,” but if she has to show up somewhere as “just plain Nia,” like a party or a fundraiser, she needs a drink or two to steady her nerves. “It’s cliché,” she says, rolling her eyes at herself, “but it really does take the edge off.” Nia wouldn’t be caught dead with an actual flask, but she’s been known to fill an empty water bottle with a couple of shots of vodka and stow it in her purse. When she gets to an event, she’ll park her car, slug the vodka down, wait a few minutes, then head in. “It works right when I need it,” she says, “arrival and settling in.” Then there’s Mateo, a boat salesman who loves nothing more than being out on the water. We’ll call him the After-Drinker. He dreads going to trade shows and networking events, but they’re all inescapable parts of his job. He always feels awkward at events and tries his best, as he says, “to act like a normal human being,” but gets stuck afterwards in post-event processing. He can’t help but play interactions over in his head, focusing on jokes that fell flat or the things he wishes he had said or done differently. “I dwell,” Mateo says simply. He doesn’t drink much, if at all, at events, but when he gets home he’ll open beer after beer, trying to drown out his own ruminating. “Basically, I drink when I’m kicking myself,” he says. Then there’s David, the Supersized Social Drinker, who manages a food service warehouse. He’s not much of a drinker, except on the rare occasions when his friends manage to drag him out. Inevitably, he ends up drinking way more than he knows is good for him. “My friends say I’m a unicorn: I’m both a lightweight and a party animal,” he says. “I get really, really social. I admit it’s fun, except for the hangover. I probably wouldn’t have a social life at all if not for Jack and Cokes. I know that’s lame, but if there’s no booze, I don’t go. If I can’t drink, I can’t be social.”

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  But it’s not just the physical signs of anxiety that trip us up; it’s how closely we pay attention to them. You probably know someone who’s the exact opposite of the princess in The Princess and the Pea—someone who can’t tell if she’s hungry or has no idea how he got that bruise. On the flip side, you probably also know someone with a remarkably clear sense of their own internal workings. This person may even be you. This awareness of one’s own body (or lack thereof) is called interoceptive awareness.1 Interoceptive awareness, unsurprisingly, is more sensitive in individuals with any kind of anxiety. Indeed, when those of us attuned to our bodies feel ourselves blush, sweat, tremble, stammer, or tear up that’s when things start to get all meta and we get anxious about our anxiety. Indeed, if our bodies spark the myth of how I feel is how I look, our brains fan the flames. This happens due to a quirk of thought called the illusion of transparency, which is exactly what it sounds like: We think our internal state is visible and will give us away. In normal, non-anxious life, we generally assume that others share our experience. Indeed, most of the time people can see what we see, hear what we hear. But in moments of high anxiety, we seem to forget that what goes on inside our bodies and brains is actually private. We feel our heart pounding, our panic rising, our thoughts racing, and think everyone can see through us like a jellyfish. But when reminded, we remember we are not jellyfish. One study even found that simply telling participants that, hey, guys, there’s this thing called the illusion of transparency, allowed them to strengthen their un-jellyfish-like spines and give a better speech performance. What’s more, when the participants’ speeches were viewed, raters agreed, meaning the reminder didn’t just lead to feeling better—it led to performing better. * * * Okay, now it’s time for a pop quiz! Is your refrigerator handle on the right or the left? What color was your childhood home? Did Einstein have a mustache? Got your answers? Nice work. To answer these questions, you probably conjured up a picture in your head. You “saw” your fridge, the home you grew up in, and Einstein’s mustachioed face. You created and held these images in your mind’s eye. Our brains do the same thing when we get anxious, which perpetuates “how I feel is how I look.”

• From How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety (2018)

  There are so many of us who feel socially anxious that standardized questionnaires have been developed to measure our experience. If you think you may have a touch (or more) of social anxiety, check out the following twenty-five situations cribbed from two widely used social anxiety questionnaires.1 The more items you agree with, the more social anxiety you likely carry with you as you travel through life. 1. I get nervous if I have to speak with someone in authority (teacher, boss, et al.). 2. I have difficulty making eye contact with others. 3. I become tense if I have to talk about myself or my feelings. 4. I find it difficult to mix comfortably with the people I work with. 5. I feel tense if I am alone with just one other person. 6. I worry about expressing myself in case I appear awkward. 7. I get anxious returning an item to a store. 8. I find it difficult to disagree with someone else’s point of view. 9. I find myself worrying that I won’t know what to say in social situations. 10. I am nervous mixing with people I don’t know well. 11. I feel I’ll say something embarrassing when talking. 12. When in a group, I find myself worrying I will be ignored. 13. I am unsure whether to greet someone I know only slightly. 14. I feel uncomfortable making a phone call when others can hear me. 15. I feel awkward or anxious eating or drinking in public places. 16. I feel anxious acting, performing, or giving a talk in front of an audience. 17. I feel uncomfortable working, writing, or calculating while others watch me. 18. I get anxious calling, emailing, or texting someone I don’t know very well. 19. I have difficulty speaking up in class or at a meeting. 20. I feel anxious using a public bathroom (shy bladder). 21. I have difficulty talking to people I find attractive. 22. I feel anxious taking a test or exam. 23. I get stressed and anxious when hosting a party or event. 24. I find it difficult to resist a salesperson or solicitor. 25. I dislike being the center of attention.

• From A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians (1921)

  On the other hand, it must not be forgotten that his main contention throughout this chapter and the next is not that he had been approved by the Judean Christians, but that he had from the first acted 5 66 GALATIANS independently. The whole sentence pévoy .. . év éuol is a momentary digression from that point of view. (e) Evidence of his independent apostleship drawn from his conduct on a visit to Jerusalem fourteen years after the pre- ceding one (21-19), Following, as before, a chronological order, the apostle now narrates the circumstances of a very important occasion on which he came in contact with those who were apostles before him. At the outset he calls attention to the length of his absence from Jerusalem, fourteen years, during which, so it is implied, he had had no contact with the Jerusalem apostles; then to the fact that when he went up it was not at their com- mand, but in obedience to divine revelation; then, indicating that the question at issue was then, as now in Galatia, the circumcision of the Gentiles who had accepted his gospel, he tells how he laid his gospel before the Jerusalem Christians, and in a private session before the pillars of the church, James and Cephas and John, since he recognised that their disapproval of his preaching might render of no avail his future work and undo what he had already done.

• From A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians (1921)

  This contrariety the apostle adduces as proof (y&ée) of the statement of v.1* (they will not come under the power of the flesh by coming under the Spirit, for the two forces are of precisely opposite tendency), and in turn substantiates it by appeal to their own experi- ence, the reference to their experience being intimated by the use of the second person in the telic clause. The change in point of view from essential contrariety to that of experience is, then, at taita y&e, vée being not explanatory but confirmatory. What condition that is in which the internal conflict described in v.17 ensues is suggested (a) by bd véuoy of v.18 (see notes below), itself apparently suggested by the thought of v.17; (b) by reference to Rom. 6“, where, after urging his readers not to continue in sin, the apostle abruptly introduces the expression bxd véwoy in such a way as 302 GALATIANS to show that, though he has not previously in this chapter spoken of the law, he has all the time had in mind that it is under law that one is unable to get the victory over sin; (c) by comparison of Rom. 713-82, in which the apostle sets forth the conflict which ensues when one strives after righteousness under law, and from which escape is possible only through the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus, free- ing one from that other law which, though it can command the good, can not achieve it. “Iva . . . notjte as a pure final clause is to be understood not as expressing the purpose of God, this conflict being represented as a thing desired by him (for neither is the subject of the sentence a word referring to God, nor is the thought thus yielded a Pauline thought), nor of the flesh alone, nor of the Spirit alone, but as the purpose of both flesh and Spirit, in the sense that the flesh opposes the Spirit that men may not do what they will in accordance with the mind of the Spirit, and the Spirit opposes the flesh that they may not do what they will after the flesh. Does the man choose evil, the Spirit opposes him; does he choose good, the flesh hinders him. 18, ei 6€ mvevuare dyeobe, ovx éoré b7O vouor. “But if ye are led by the Spirit, ye are not under law.” In this sentence the apostle harks back for a moment to the point of view of the first part of the chapter, vv.!-®, complementing the statement of v.16, that to walk by the Spirit does not involve subjection to the flesh, by the assertion that to be led by the Spirit is not to be under law.