Anxiety

Passages

Every passage tagged with this emotion in the Vela corpus. Search the body text, narrow by source or register, click through to a book’s profile to see how the passage sits with the rest of the work.

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• From The Incendiaries (2018)

  John Leal outlined a plan he’d established with local churches, to drive to New York with people, supplies, and then he swept into one of his wild soliloquies, telling us again about the time he’d helped a desperate girl in the gulag abort a half-foreign child. Though he saved the girl’s life, he still wept if he thought about the fetus he pulled out, its recognizable fist. It was close to midnight when I walked home with Phoebe. She’d lent the car to Julian. He was in New Haven, visiting old boarding-school friends. The night was mild. I’d fallen behind with studying, and I was tired. I hadn’t slept; I wished to be home. I’d have proposed calling a taxi, but, the previous evening, I’d discovered I didn’t have my half of the month’s rent. I was still working a partial load at Michelangelo’s, a few night shifts each week. Ling had offered me a follow-up research position, a role extending the last project; I turned it down, since I had no time. I referred him to a fellow Phi Epsilon. Short of options, I had to activate a credit card I’d once received, unsolicited, in the mail. I didn’t want the debt. I’d learned what harm a credit habit might inflict. I’d kept the card just in case, for emergencies, positive I wouldn’t use it. But then, last night, I’d pulled a label off the plastic, the adhesive giving up its hold with sickening ease: like mother, like son. What’s more, if I went to the march, I’d have to switch Saturday’s shift for a less profitable slot. More cash lost. The trip would involve spending, too. I wanted to quiz Phoebe as to what she thought of it. By the time I joined Jejah, they’d stopped picketing Phipps clinic; why, she hadn’t known. She’d never protested the clinic, she’d said, but she believed, as I did, that abortions should remain legal. I didn’t think she could have changed her mind. We waited at the light. Instead, while a flesh-pink neon sign, Tivoli, fizzed behind us, I asked about the first gulag story he’d told. The pregnant girl, I said. Lina. Mina. She was kicked in the stomach. You told me about it: she died, then trailed him. Is this one girl? I saw a taxi turning, its sign lit. No, they couldn’t be, Phoebe said, at last. I flagged down the cab. In silence, we rode home. I’ve examined this night, Phoebe. I’ve rethought what I said to you, and I’m still sure of this much: I kept quiet a long time, then I asked a single question. 25. WILL We followed him as he pushed a path into the waiting crowd. The protest hadn’t started yet, but wind rippled plastic-sheathed signs. Sunlit fetuses swung up, down, while flags flicked like striped tongues. John Leal halted; he spun, abrupt, and doubled back. I thought he’d tell us we’d taken a wrong turn.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  7 Then God said, “Put your hand into your robe again.” So he put his hand back into his robe, and when he took it out, it was restored [and was] like the rest of his body. 8 “If they will not believe you or pay attention to the evidence of the first sign, they may believe the evidence of the second sign. 9 “But if they will not believe these two signs or pay attention to what you say, you are to take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground; and the water which you take out of the river will turn into blood on the dry ground.” 10 Then Moses said to the LORD , “Please, Lord, I am not a man of words (eloquent, fluent), neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am b slow of speech and tongue.” 11 The LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes the mute or the deaf, or the seeing or the blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? 12 “Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and will teach you what you shall say.” 13 But he said, “Please my Lord, send the message [of rescue to Israel] by [someone else,] whomever else You will [choose].” Aaron to Speak for Moses 14 Then the anger of the LORD was kindled and burned against Moses; He said, “Is there not your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know that he speaks fluently. Also, he is coming out to meet you, and when he sees you, he will be overjoyed. 15 “You must speak to him and put the words in his mouth; I, even I, will be with your mouth and with his mouth, and I will teach you what you are to do. 16 “Moreover, he shall speak for you to the people; he will act as a mouthpiece for you, and you will be as God to him [telling him what I say to you]. 17 “You shall take in your hand this staff, with which you shall perform the signs [the miracles which prove I sent you].” 18 Then Moses went away and returned to Jethro his father-in-law, and said to him, “Please, let me go back so that I may return to my c relatives in Egypt, and see if they are still alive.” And Jethro said to Moses, “Go in peace.” 19 Then the LORD said to Moses in Midian, “Go back to Egypt, for all the men who were seeking your life [for killing the Egyptian] are dead.” [Ex 2:11 , 12 ] 20 So Moses took his wife [Zipporah] and his sons [Gershom and Eliezer] and seated them on donkeys, and returned to the land of Egypt. Moses also took the staff of God in his hand.

• From Lady Chatterley's Lover (1928)

  There was a letter from Hilda on the breakfast tray. "Father is going to London this week, and I shall call for you on Thursday week, June 17th. You must be ready so that we can go at once. I don't want to waste time at Wragby, it's an awful place. I shall probably stay the night at Retford with the Colemans, so I should be with you for lunch Thursday. Then we could start at teatime, and sleep perhaps in Grantham. It is no use our spending an evening with Clifford. If he hates your going, it would be no pleasure to him." So! She was being pushed round on the chessboard again. Clifford hated her going, but it was only because he didn't feel _safe_ in her absence. Her presence, for some reason, made him feel safe, and free to do the things he was occupied with. He was a great deal at the pits, and wrestling in spirit with the almost hopeless problems of getting out his coal in the most economical fashion and then selling it when he'd got it out. He knew he ought to find some way of _using_ it, or converting it, so that he needn't sell it, or needn't have the chagrin of failing to sell it. But if he made electric power, could he sell that or use it? And to convert into oil was as yet too costly and too elaborate. To keep industry alive there must be more industry, like a madness. It was a madness, and it required a madman to succeed in it. Well, he was a little mad. Connie thought so. His very intensity and acumen in the affairs of the pits seemed like a manifestation of madness to her, his very inspirations were the inspirations of insanity. He talked to her of all his serious schemes, and she listened in a kind of wonder, and let him talk. Then the flow ceased, and he turned on the loud-speaker, and became a blank, while apparently his schemes coiled on inside him like a kind of dream. And every night now he played pontoon, that game of the Tommies, with Mrs. Bolton, gambling with sixpences. And again, in the gambling he was gone in a kind of unconsciousness, or blank intoxication, or intoxication of blankness, whatever it was. Connie could not bear to see him. But when she had gone to bed, he and Mrs. Bolton would gamble on till two and three in the morning, safely, and with strange lust. Mrs. Bolton was caught in the lust as much as Clifford: the more so, as she nearly always lost. She told Connie one day: "I lost twenty-three shillings to Sir Clifford last night." "And did he take the money from you?" asked Connie aghast. "Why, of course, my Lady! Debt of honour!"

• From The Incendiaries (2018)

  In the expanding silence, Phoebe pulled up her legs. She turned aside, but I still heard the panic thrum. I cracked the window open. I drove. The traffic had slowed to a standstill. I bullied hesitating cars. I shoved into each hint of a rift. I pushed; I lunged, while Phoebe’s left foot jigged. The key to driving fast in traffic is to act as if everyone else has more to lose. I willed Phoebe to complain. I wanted the fight, but since she kept quiet, I couldn’t start arguing without also being in the wrong. Before long, traffic opened out. The wheels rushed across wet asphalt, a sound like film reel unwinding. The trip rolled back, as though it hadn’t happened. In a short while, we’d hurtled past the speed limit. Do you want to know why I have to be on time? Sure, I said, but she fell silent again, a hand lighting on my thigh, until I turned off the highway, into Noxhurst. Since school reopened, she said, Jejah had begun holding group confessions. Each person talked about his life, and hers, inviting questions, criticism. It was optional. If she wasn’t explaining this well, it was because she hadn’t taken a turn, not yet. She would, tonight. It was on the schedule. I might have noticed she’d been writing, at times—well, that was what she’d been doing. Drafting thoughts. It would be rude to be late. I parked in front of the house, and I asked what she hoped to tell them. I’ll talk about my mother, she said. If I can. I don’t think I’ve told you how she died, the details. That night, I insisted on driving, but I wasn’t good at it. I hadn’t practiced enough. She didn’t like me to drive. In the last mile, going home, I was blinded by headlights. I swerved, then I hit a truck head-on. But she pitched her body in front of mine, taking the impact. I didn’t even have to go to the hospital. Will, I think you were right. It could help, talking about it. The door chimed open. I felt the light brush of a kiss, soft lips sliding, and then she left. I watched as she walked up the path, the front door swinging wide to let her in. –

• From The Decameron (1353)

  On the morrow, Calandrino, having slept off the fumes of the wine, arose in the morning and going down, missed his pig and saw the door open; whereupon he questioned this one and that if they knew who had taken it and getting no news of it, began to make a great outcry, saying, 'Woe is me, miserable wretch that I am!' for that the pig had been stolen from him. As soon as Bruno and Buffalmacco were risen, they repaired to Calandrino's house, to hear what he would say anent the pig, and he no sooner saw them than he called out to them, well nigh weeping, and said, 'Woe's me, comrades mine; my pig hath been stolen from me!' Whereupon Bruno came up to him and said softly, 'It is a marvel that thou hast been wise for once.' 'Alack,' replied Calandrino, 'indeed I say sooth.' 'That's the thing to say,' quoth Bruno. 'Make a great outcry, so it may well appear that it is e'en as thou sayst.' Therewithal Calandrino bawled out yet loudlier, saying, 'Cock's body, I tell thee it hath been stolen from me in good earnest!' 'Good, good,' replied Bruno; 'that's the way to speak; cry out lustily, make thyself well heard, so it may seem true.' Quoth Calandrino, 'Thou wouldst make me give my soul to the Fiend! I tell thee and thou believest me not. May I be strung up by the neck an it have not been stolen from me!' 'Good lack!' cried Bruno. 'How can that be? I saw it here but yesterday. Thinkest thou to make me believe that it hath flown away?' Quoth Calandrino, 'It is as I tell thee.' 'Good lack,' repeated Bruno, 'can it be?' 'Certes,' replied Calandrino, 'it is so, more by token that I am undone and know not how I shall return home. My wife will never believe me; or even if she do, I shall have no peace with her this year to come.' Quoth Bruno, 'So God save me, this is ill done, if it be true; but thou knowest, Calandrino, I lessoned thee yesterday to say thus and I would not have thee at once cozen thy wife and us.' Therewithal Calandrino fell to crying out and saying, 'Alack, why will you drive me to desperation and make me blaspheme God and the Saints? I tell you the pig was stolen from me yesternight.'

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  7 You, O LORD , will preserve and keep them; You will protect him from this [evil] generation forever. 8 The wicked strut about [in pompous self-importance] on every side, As vileness is exalted and baseness is prized among the sons of men. Psalm 13 Prayer for Help in Trouble. To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David. 1 H OW LONG , O LORD ? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? 2 How long must I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy exalt himself and triumph over me? 3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; Give light (life) to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, 4 And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken. 5 But I have trusted and relied on and been confident in Your lovingkindness and faithfulness; My heart shall rejoice and delight in Your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD , Because He has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 14 Folly and Wickedness of Men. To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David. 1 T HE [SPIRITUALLY ignorant] fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they have committed repulsive and unspeakable deeds; There is no one who does good. [Rom 3:10 ] 2 The LORD has looked down from heaven upon the children of men To see if there are any who understand (act wisely), Who [truly] seek after God, [longing for His wisdom and guidance]. 3 They have all turned aside, together they have become corrupt; There is no one who does good, not even one. [Rom 3:11 , 12 ] 4 Have all the workers of wickedness and injustice no knowledge, Who eat up my people as they eat bread, And do not call upon the LORD ? 5 There they tremble with great fear, For God is with the [consistently] righteous generation. 6 You [evildoers] shamefully plan against the poor, But the LORD is his safe refuge. 7 Oh, that the salvation of Israel would come out of Zion! When the LORD restores His captive people, Then Jacob will rejoice, Israel will be glad. [Rom 11:25–27 ] Psalm 15 Description of a Citizen of Zion. A Psalm of David. 1 O LORD , who may lodge [as a guest] in Your tent? Who may dwell [continually] on Your holy hill? 2 He who walks with integrity and strength of character, and works righteousness, And speaks and holds truth in his heart. 3 He does not slander with his tongue, Nor does evil to his neighbor, Nor takes up a reproach against his friend; 4 In his eyes an evil person is despised, But he honors those who fear the LORD [and obediently worship Him with awe-inspired reverence and submissive wonder].

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  62 “Because you did not obey the voice of the LORD your God, you who were as numerous as the stars of heaven shall be left few in number. 63 “It shall come about that just as the LORD delighted over you to make you prosper and multiply, so the LORD will delight over you to bring you to ruin and destruction; and you will be o uprooted [violently] from the land which you are entering to possess. 64 “And the LORD will scatter you among all the nations, from one end of the earth to the other; and there you will [be forced to] serve other gods, [lifeless gods of] wood and stone, which neither you nor your fathers have known. [Dan 3:6 ] 65 “Among those nations you will find no peace (rest), and there will be no resting place for the sole of your foot; but there the LORD will give you a trembling heart, failing eyes, and a despairing soul. 66 “Your life will hang in doubt before you; night and day you will be filled with anxiety and have no assurance of living. 67 “In the morning you will say, ‘I wish it were evening!’ and in the evening you will say, ‘I wish it were morning!’—because of the dread in your heart with which you tremble, and because of the sight of your eyes which you will see. 68 “The LORD will bring you back to Egypt in ships, by the way about which I said to you, ‘You will never see it again!’ And there you will offer yourselves for sale to your enemies as male and female slaves, but there will be no one to buy you. [Hos 8:13 ] Deuteronomy 29 The Covenant in Moab 1 T HESE ARE the words of the covenant which the LORD commanded Moses to make with the sons of Israel in the land of Moab, in addition to the covenant which He made with them at Horeb (Sinai). 2 a Moses summoned all Israel and said to them, “You have seen all that the LORD did before your eyes in the land of Egypt to Pharaoh, to all his servants, and to all his land; 3 the great trials [of Pharaoh] which your eyes have seen, the signs and those great wonders. 4 “Yet to this day the LORD has not given you a heart and mind to understand, nor eyes to see, nor ears to hear. 5 “I have led you in the wilderness forty years; your clothes have not worn out on you, and your sandals have not worn out on your feet. 6 “You have not eaten bread, nor have you drunk wine or strong drink, so that you might know that I am the LORD your God [on whom you must depend].

• From Vox (1992)

  She said it’s because you’ve got more layers—you’ve got the graphic stuff going on, but you’ve got mouths saying Italian sex words or French sex words, and then American actors going ooh and ah, and usually the American actors who do the dubbing are somewhat better than the American actors who’ve got to both have sex and act. And no L.A. boudoir interiors, no L.A. fireplaces reflected in L.A. wineglasses, no Ron Jeremy. Again, that’s not exactly what she said, but that was what she was getting at. And then she said, still in a very pragmatic way, she said, ‘For instance, Atom Home Video distributes a few good dubbed ones.’ So I clanked down my coffee and I said, ‘Okay. I accept everything you say. I’ll specify the couch size, I’ll specify high-end dubbed Italian-import porno, but still I just don’t trust myself to buy the right blanket . That’s what worries me. And I see now that I really need the right blanket to complete this. Will you help me pick out a blanket?’ And she said, ‘Tonight?’ And I said, ‘Yeah it has to be tonight, it really does, because tomorrow I’ll want to send in the ad, and as you say I have got to include the size, the color, everything, if I want this to work. I need your help with this.’ And she said okay.”

• From The Ice Storm (1994)

  Desire wasn’t about large breasts in Cross Your Heart brassieres anymore. It was about hunting for comfort. This was perhaps a useful moment to fix a drink. Because of anxiety, he suffered the following: a mild case of eczema, which broke out all over his body, mostly in winter, and which turned his skin a patchy orange; piles, because he could move his bowels only after a comfortable day at work and these were now few; a duodenal ulcer, which he treated with liberal doses of antacids and by eating primarily foods that were white (rice, oatmeal, Cream of Wheat hot cereal, white bread, potatoes, the occasional glass of milk or slice of American cheese); a swelling in his feet which he imagined was gout; a noticeable enlargement of his liver and pancreas; and canker sores. Most of all he suffered from canker sores. The very survival instinct of his cells seemed to have failed in the small pursed region of his mouth. The cells there no longer cohered; they opened up crevices and left them open. Hood’s canker sores tormented him constantly. He often had two or three a week. On occasion he had more than a dozen at one time. Most prominently, these occasions were (1) during his second year at boarding school, (2) in the weeks of college after he broke up with Diana Olson before he began to date her roommate, now his wife, Elena O’Malley, and (3) during Lent of 1971, when he had given up tobacco, caffeine, and alcohol. Benjamin Hood believed himself to be a record-holder among those afflicted with mouth sores. He got canker sores on his lips, in the back of his throat, on this tongue. He got long, narrow ones in his gums that looked like irrigation ditches. Citrus, ketchup, spices—these were all contraindicated. As was the act of speech. Yes, there was a shadow urge behind his pox, and Hood could pinpoint it. The imprecision of speech, its risky improvisations and inventions—it was best to shut himself and his canker sores out of all regrettable conversations. Had he not as a young man abandoned a career as a radio broadcaster for the more concrete world of securities analysis? Was it not language and its insidious step-relative, sentiment, that so destroyed his mouth? Ridiculous. He could remember his first canker sore, sometime in the midst of WWII, and it had nothing to do with speaking in class or with being seen and not heard. Nothing to do with speech at all. Born of Yankee stock, and that was all, born of farmers who spent whole afternoons on the porch without directing a word at their people, born of Yankees who would invite any stranger to their homes for Thanksgiving and engage them in conversation not once. He just didn’t feel like talking. Where was Janey? It was after four. Dusk had fallen.

• From Girls & Sex (2016)

  Megan, a sophomore at a midwestern public university majoring in economics, was tiny (barely five feet tall), with enormous dark eyes, a quick smile, and flat-ironed dark hair that she would absentmindedly braid and unbraid as we spoke. Her mom, she said, was a “generic white woman.” Her dad, who was Lebanese, gave her a pink lipstick-shaped canister of pepper spray just before her freshman year; Megan kept it out as a joke. “He thinks I’m a virgin,” she said, laughing. Megan pulled on a cropped orange tank top and a thigh-grazing skirt that hugged her butt and fit tight across the stomach. She examined herself in the mirror from the front, from the side, from the back. “Does my stomach look big in this?” she asked a friend, who was standing in the doorway. “Don’t fuck with me.” “I’m not fucking with you,” the friend said. “You look hot. Like the skinniest fucking bitch.” Megan looked at herself again, dissatisfied. “I never think about what I eat until I get dressed for a party. Then I think I shouldn’t have had that extra doughnut,” she said. As she continued to dress, Megan told me about the Gender Studies class she was taking this semester. “I had never noticed that guy models in ads are always doing something—playing a guitar or driving—and girl models are just . . .” She struck a classic pose: head tilted, chin down, hand on hip, a coy smile. I laughed. “You do that really well,” I said. “I haven’t taken a picture without the head tilt since I was six,” she replied. “I don’t know where I learned it.”

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  18 AND IF IT IS DIFFICULT FOR THE RIGHTEOUS TO BE SAVED , WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE GODLESS AND THE SINNER ? [Prov 11:31 ] 19 Therefore, those who are ill-treated and suffer in accordance with the will of God must [continue to] do right and commit their souls [for safe-keeping] to the faithful Creator. 1 Peter 5 Serve God Willingly 1 T HEREFORE, I strongly urge the elders among you [pastors, spiritual leaders of the church], as a fellow elder and as an eyewitness [called to testify] of the sufferings of Christ, as well as one who shares in the glory that is to be revealed: 2 shepherd and guide and protect the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not [motivated] for shameful gain, but with wholehearted enthusiasm; 3 not lording it over those assigned to your care [do not be arrogant or overbearing], but be examples [of Christian living] to the flock [set a pattern of integrity for your congregation]. 4 And when the Chief Shepherd (Christ) appears, you will receive the [conqueror’s] unfading crown of glory. 5 Likewise, you younger men [of lesser rank and experience], be subject to your elders [seek their counsel]; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another [tie on the servant’s apron], for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD [the disdainful, the presumptuous, and He defeats them], BUT HE GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE . [Prov 3:34 ] 6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God [set aside self-righteous pride], so that He may exalt you [to a place of honor in His service] at the appropriate time, [John 3:30 ] 7 casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully]. [Ps 55:22 ] 8 Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable], knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being experienced by your brothers and sisters throughout the world. [You do not suffer alone.] 10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts His blessing and favor], who called you to His own eternal glory in Christ, will Himself complete, confirm, strengthen, and establish you [making you what you ought to be]. 11 To Him be dominion (power, authority, sovereignty) forever and ever. Amen. 12 By a Silvanus, our faithful brother (as I consider him), I have written to you briefly, to counsel and testify that this is the true grace [the undeserved favor] of God. Stand firm in it!

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  22 For I was ashamed to request troops and horsemen from the king to protect us from the enemy along the way, because we had told the king, “The hand of our God is favorable toward all those who seek Him, but His power and His anger are against all those who abandon (turn away from) Him.” 23 So we fasted and sought [help from] our God concerning this [matter], and He heard our plea. 24 Then I set apart twelve leading priests, Sherebiah, Hashabiah, and ten of their brothers (relatives), 25 and I weighed out to them the silver, the gold, and the utensils, the offering for the house of our God which the king, his advisers, his officials, and all Israel who were present there had offered. 26 I weighed into their hands 650 talents of silver, and silver utensils worth 100 talents, and 100 talents of gold; 27 also 20 bowls of gold worth 1,000 darics, and two utensils of fine e shiny bronze, precious as gold. 28 Then I said to them, “You are holy to the LORD , the utensils are holy, and the silver and the gold are a freewill offering to the LORD God of your fathers. 29 “Guard and keep them until you weigh them before the leading priests and the Levites and the leaders of the fathers’ households of Israel in Jerusalem, in the chambers of the house of the LORD .” 30 So the priests and the Levites received the weighed out silver and gold, and the utensils, to bring them to Jerusalem to the house of our God. 31 We set out from the river Ahava on the twelfth [day] of the first month to go to Jerusalem; and the hand of our God was upon us, and He rescued us from the hand of the enemy and those who lay in ambushes along the way. 32 So we came to Jerusalem and remained there for three days. Treasure Placed in the Temple 33 On the fourth day the silver and the gold and the utensils were weighed out in the house of our God into the hand of Meremoth the son of Uriah the priest, and with him was Eleazar the son of Phinehas; and with them were the Levites—Jozabad the son of Jeshua and Noadiah the son of Binnui. 34 Every piece was counted and weighed, and all the weight was recorded at that time. 35 Also the [former] exiles who had come from the captivity offered burnt offerings to the God of Israel: 12 bulls for all Israel, 96 rams, 77 lambs, and 12 male goats for a sin offering. All this was a burnt offering to the LORD . 36 And they delivered the king’s edicts to the king’s satraps (lieutenants) and to the governors f west of the [Euphrates] River, and they supported the people and God’s house.

• From The Decameron (1353)

  This speech gave the abbot great satisfaction and himseemed fortune had opened him the way to his chief desire; wherefore, 'Daughter,' quoth he, 'I can well believe that it must be a sore annoy for a fair and dainty dame such as you are to have a blockhead to husband, but a much greater meseemeth to have a jealous man; wherefore, you having both the one and the other, I can lightly credit that which you avouch of your tribulation. But for this, speaking briefly, I see neither counsel nor remedy save one, the which is that Ferondo be cured of this jealousy. The medicine that will cure him I know very well how to make, provided you have the heart to keep secret that which I shall tell you.' 'Father mine,' answered the lady, 'have no fear of that, for I would liefer suffer death than tell any that which you bid me not repeat; but how may this be done?' Quoth the abbot, 'An we would have him cured, it behoveth of necessity that he go to purgatory.' 'But how,' asked she, 'can he go thither alive?' 'Needs must he die,' replied the abbot, 'and so go thither; and whenas he shall have suffered such penance as shall suffice to purge him of his jealousy, we will pray God, with certain orisons that he restore him to this life, and He will do it.' 'Then,' said the lady, 'I am to become a widow?' 'Ay,' answered the abbot, 'for a certain time, wherein you must look well you suffer not yourself to be married again, for that God would take it in ill part, and whenas Ferondo returned hither, it would behove you return to him and he would then be more jealous than ever.' Quoth she, 'Provided he be but cured of this calamity, so it may not behove me abide in prison all my life, I am content; do as it pleaseth you.' 'And I will do it,'[193] rejoined he; 'but what guerdon am I to have of you for such a service?' 'Father,' answered the lady, 'you shall have whatsoever pleaseth you, so but it be in my power; but what can the like of me that may befit such a man as yourself?' 'Madam,' replied the abbot 'you can do no less for me than that which I undertake to do for you; for that, like as I am disposed to do that which is to be your weal and your solacement, even so can you do that which will be the saving and assainment of my life.' Quoth she, 'An it be so, I am ready.' 'Then,' said the abbot, 'you must give me your love and vouchsafe me satisfaction of yourself, for whom I am all afire with love and languishment.' [Footnote 193: _i.e._ I will cure your husband of his jealousy.]

• From The Incendiaries (2018)

  The train slid into the afternoon, and I slept until the Noxhurst station. – Up through the next morning, in spite of what she’d said, I still thought Phoebe would come back Saturday night. But I woke Sunday to find she wasn’t home. She also hadn’t returned my calls. I should have studied; I opened a book, stared at it as long as I could, then poured a drink. I sat in the apartment through morning: I took a bus to Michelangelo’s. Though I didn’t have a shift, I helped at the front until I noticed a five-top littered with used plates. I carried them back to the kitchen, spilling pesto on my shirt. I dropped a knife. I took the table’s busboy out back, and I yelled at him. I asked what the fuck he’d been thinking. Looking down, he muttered that it wasn’t his table. It’s Gil’s, he said, his childish face bagged with fatigue. I excused him. I left, riding the bus home again. The sun went down, and I called Phoebe. I left a short message asking if she’d let me know she was all right. Relying on the principle that almost nothing happens as I think it will, I started ticking through possible disasters. What I predicted, I’d forestall. I sat at the kitchen table. Each time I emptied a glass, I poured the next drink. It was 3:10 in the morning when the front door swung open. She stood in the hall, half-dissolved in porch light. Easing the lock into its slot, she set down a bag. She turned. Oh, she said, startled. It’s you. What are you doing? I closed the laptop, and, with it, all the light I’d had. I’d been searching traffic-accident reports. She flicked on the hall lamp. I saw Phoebe take in the gin bottle, the knit hat I still hadn’t removed. Will, she said. I told you I was staying the night. I didn’t know when you’d be home. I kept calling. My phone died, she said. I didn’t notice it until a minute ago. Hope rose, then fell. While she hung her coat and pashmina, I took a long, sustaining swig of tonic-splashed gin. The plaid skirt twitched on Phoebe’s thighs, brass buttons gleaming. The phone had tolled through its full five rings before it prompted me to leave a message, which meant it had been on. If it hadn’t, the phone would have shunted me to Phoebe’s voicemail with just one ring. No, each time I called, the phone had vibrated. She’d pulled it out, seen Will , and put it back in the bag. I was able to see what she’d done, in such detail that I knew it had to be true. When I could, I asked how she’d gotten home. I drove, she said. I, well, John Leal did. I was too tired. I’ll make tea. Do you want anything? Getting up, I went to the sink.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  22 “I saw in my [second] dream, seven ears [of grain], plump and good, growing on a single stalk; 23 and lo, seven [other] ears, withered, thin, and scorched by the east wind, sprouted after them; 24 and the thin ears devoured the seven good ears. Now I told this to the magicians and soothsayers, but there was no one who could explain it [to me].” 25 Then Joseph said to Pharaoh, “The [two] dreams are one [and the same and have one interpretation]; God has shown Pharaoh what He is about to do. 26 “The seven good cows are seven years, and the seven good ears are seven years; the [two] dreams are one [and the same]. 27 “The seven thin and ugly cows that came up after them are seven years; and also the seven thin ears, dried up and scorched by the east wind, they are seven years of famine and hunger. 28 “This is the message just as I have told Pharaoh: God has shown Pharaoh what He is about to do. 29 “Listen very carefully: seven years of great abundance will come throughout all the land of Egypt; 30 but afterward seven years of famine and hunger will come, and [there will be such desperate need that] all the great abundance [of the previous years] will be forgotten in the land of Egypt [as if it never happened], and famine and destitution will ravage and destroy the land. 31 “So the great abundance will become forgotten in the land because of that subsequent famine, for it will be very severe. 32 “That the dream was repeated twice to Pharaoh [and in two different ways] indicates that this matter is fully determined and established by God, and God will bring it to pass very quickly. 33 “So now let Pharaoh [prepare ahead and] look for a man discerning and clear-headed and wise, and set him [in charge] over the land of Egypt [as governor under Pharaoh]. 34 “Let Pharaoh take action to appoint overseers and officials over the land, and set aside one-fifth [of the produce] of the [entire] land of Egypt in the seven years of abundance. 35 “Let them gather [as a tax] all [of the fifth of] the food of these good years that are coming, and store up grain under the direction and authority of Pharaoh, and let them guard the food [in fortified granaries] in the cities. 36 “That food shall be put [in storage] as a reserve for the land against the seven years of famine and hunger which will occur in the land of Egypt, so that the land (people) will not be ravaged during the famine.” 37 Now the plan seemed good to Pharaoh and to all of his servants.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  14 ‘Thick clouds are a hiding place for Him, so that He cannot see, And He walks on the vault (circle) of the heavens.’ 15 “Will you keep to the ancient path That wicked men walked [in the time of Noah], [2 Pet 2:5 ] 16 Men who were snatched away before their time, Whose foundations were poured out like a river? 17 “They said to God, ‘Depart from us! What can the Almighty do for us or to us?’ 18 “Yet He filled their houses with good things; But the counsel of the wicked and ungodly is far from me. 19 “The righteous see it and are glad; And the innocent mock and laugh at them, saying, 20 ‘Surely our adversaries are cut off and destroyed, And fire has consumed their abundance.’ 21 “Now yield and submit yourself to Him [agree with God and be conformed to His will] and be at peace; In this way [you will prosper and great] good will come to you. 22 “Please receive the law and instruction from His mouth And establish His words in your heart and keep them. [Ps 119:11 ] 23 “If you return to the Almighty [and submit and humble yourself before Him], you will be built up [and restored]; If you remove unrighteousness far from your tents, 24 And place your gold in the dust, And the gold of Ophir among the stones of the brooks [considering it of little value], 25 And make the Almighty your gold And your precious silver, 26 Then you will have delight in the Almighty, And you will lift up your face to God. 27 “You will pray to Him, and He will hear you, And you will pay your vows. 28 “You will also decide and decree a thing, and it will be established for you; And the light [of God’s favor] will shine upon your ways. 29 “When you are cast down and humbled, you will speak with confidence, And the humble person He will lift up and save. 30 “He will even rescue the one [for whom you intercede] who is not innocent; And he will be rescued through the cleanness of your hands.” [Job 42:7 , 8 ] Job 23 Job Says He Longs for God 1 T HEN JOB answered and said, 2 “Even today my complaint is contentious; His hand is heavy despite my groaning. 3 “Oh, that I knew where I might find Him, That I might [even] come to His seat! 4 “I would present my cause before Him And fill my mouth with arguments. 5 “I would learn the words which He would answer, And understand what He would say to me. 6 “Would He contend against me with His great power? No, surely He would give attention to me. [Is 27:4 , 5 ; 57:16 ] 7 “There the righteous and upright could reason with Him; So I would be acquitted forever by my Judge.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  28 Then Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs of the flock, 29 and Abimelech said to Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs which you have set apart?” 30 Abraham said, “You are to accept these seven ewe lambs from me as a witness for me, that I dug this well.” 31 Therefore that place was called Beersheba (Well of the Oath or Well of the Seven), because there the two of them swore an oath. 32 So they made a covenant at Beersheba; then Abimelech and Phicol, the commander of his army, got up and returned to the land of the Philistines. 33 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree at Beersheba, and there he called on the name of the LORD [in prayer], e the Eternal God. 34 And Abraham lived [as a resident alien] in the land of the Philistines for f many days. Genesis 22 The Offering of Isaac 1 N OW AFTER these things, God tested [the faith and commitment of] Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he answered, “Here I am.” 2 God said, “Take now your son, your only son [of a promise], whom you love, Isaac, and go to the region of b Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” 3 So Abraham got up early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him and his son Isaac; and he split the wood for the burnt offering, and then he got up and went to the place of which God had told him. 4 On the third day [of travel] Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 Abraham said to his servants, “Settle down and stay here with the donkey; the c young man and I will go over there and worship [God], and we will come back to you.” [Heb 11:17–19 ] 6 Then Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and laid it d on [the shoulders of] Isaac his son, and he took the e fire (firepot) in his own hand and the [sacrificial] knife; and the two of them walked on together. 7 And Isaac said to Abraham, “My father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” Isaac said, “Look, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” 8 Abraham said, “My son, God will provide for Himself f a lamb for the burnt offering.” So the two walked on together. 9 When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood, and bound Isaac his son and placed him on the altar, on top of the wood. [Matt 10:37 ] 10 Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to g kill his son.

• From The Incendiaries (2018)

  Is this a good time for you, Will? It is. We talked, and she told me she’d started a new job. It was one, then two, three, four; then five; then six o’clock. The doorbell rang. In a rush, I dropped my glass, but it was Leigh, looking uncertain. You don’t like birthdays, fine, she said. She held out a round tin, fingernails polished red. But even you have to like a fresh rhubarb tart. It isn’t a good time, I should have explained, but I asked if she wanted to come in. When Phoebe moved out last spring, I’d run into Leigh again, at Exhibit; since then, we’d shared a bed often enough that she might have expected to see me once I’d returned to Noxhurst. It’s been hectic, with school, I said, pouring the cask-strength bourbon I knew she liked. Ice slid in the glass. I meant to call, but I’ve had a lot going on. No, I figured. I just thought you could use a treat. I crouched to clean the gin I’d spilled. The glass had broken into several clean shards. Still, I wiped around the spot in case I missed a piece, and I thought of Phoebe, yes, but I was also recalling an earthquake I’d lived through when I was five, six. I’d squatted beneath the dining-room table while plates leaped from the shelves, white fragments like giant teeth gnashing toward us. With my mother’s arms around me, I felt how frightened she was, her breaths fast, but she’d sung to me, an upbeat Bizet tune with improvised English lyrics. She kept singing, heroic, to help me be less fearful, until the convulsions stopped. If I’d truly believed life began at minute zero— What is it? Leigh said. It’s nothing. I waited until she left, then I tried one last call. Phoebe’s father’s house was listed; he, too, had a landline. He picked up, to my surprise. I’d all but forgotten that dialing a phone could result in a live conversation. I asked for Phoebe. She’s at Edwards, he said. No, she isn’t, I almost said. Instead, I ended the call. I had no reason to trust him. He’d introduced them in the first place. When his office opened in the morning, I went to see Dean Pasch, the head of my hall. I waited; I looked out the window at a girl sporting a cowboy hat. She sat on the courtyard’s split-rail fence, talking with someone who, as I watched, pushed his hand beneath the back of her shirt. He moved up in slow circles. His forearm bulged from the girl’s spine, distending ribbed cloth until he exposed a tall swath of freckled skin. She should have stopped him. If I could forget about Phoebe, I’d spirit the girl away from here. To a ranch, I thought, out West, with no neighbors for miles. We’d raise a passel of freckled children, bringing them up on Plato, sunlight, and backyard peaches.

• From Amplified Holy Bible (2015)

  5 “Only be very careful and diligently observe the commandment and the law which Moses the servant of the LORD has commanded you to love the LORD your God and walk in all His ways and keep His commandments and hold fast to Him and serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul [your very life].” 6 So Joshua blessed them and sent them away, and they went to their tents. 7 Now to the one-half of the tribe of Manasseh Moses had given a possession in Bashan, but to the other half Joshua gave a possession on the west side of the Jordan among their brothers. So when Joshua sent them away to their tents, he blessed them, 8 and he said to them, “Return to your tents with great riches and with very much livestock, with silver, gold, bronze, iron, and with very many clothes; divide the spoil of your enemies with your brothers (fellow tribesmen).” 9 So the sons (descendants) of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh returned home and departed from the [other] sons (western tribes) of Israel at Shiloh which is in the land of Canaan, to go to the land of Gilead, to the land of their own which they had possessed, in accordance with the command of the LORD through Moses. The Offensive Altar 10 When they came to the region of the Jordan which is in the land of Canaan, the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built an altar there by the Jordan, an altar that was great to behold. 11 And the [other] sons of Israel heard it said, “Look, the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have built an a altar at the edge of the land of Canaan, in the region [west] of the Jordan, on the side belonging to the sons of Israel.” 12 When the sons of Israel heard of it, the whole congregation of the Israelites gathered at Shiloh to make war against them. 13 Then the sons of Israel sent Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest to the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, 14 and with him ten leaders, one leader from each father’s household from each of the tribes of Israel; and each one was the head of his father’s household among the thousands of Israel. 15 They came to the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, and they said to them, 16 “This is what the entire congregation of the LORD says, ‘What is this disloyal and unfaithful act which you have committed against the God of Israel, so as to turn away from following the LORD this day, by building yourselves an altar, to rebel against the LORD this day?

• From The Incendiaries (2018)

  One night, months ago, I’d called Phoebe, and she kept answering, but without saying a word. I heard what sounded like static; I strained to recognize faint, mingled voices. I thought I could make out Phoebe’s, and I was frantic to think she might be injured, trying to respond but unable to talk. I hollered, asking anyone to tell me what was going on. But it was just Phoebe’s hip, picking up. I had the idea, at last, of calling others: Julian, Liesl, until I had Phoebe on the line again. What were you so worried about? she asked, laughing. Oh, Will. You’re a lunatic. I’m fine, you poor thing. I’ll be home in a little while. – The following evening, unable to face the long hours of searching online, I invited Leigh to the apartment. We sat down to stir-fried bigoli, I burned my mouth with a pull of gin, and I talked. Leigh listened, eyes filling. She stayed the night, but then, in two days, when she turned up on the doorstep without notice, I thought I’d made a mistake: I’d led the girl to expect more than I could give. The bell pealed, and I threw on a shirt, but it was Leigh. She surged up in front of me, papers in hand. I ran straight here, she panted. Flapping newsprint at me like a broken wing, she told me that, as she passed the Ledig Street kiosk, she’d noticed Phoebe’s name in bold print on the front pages. I took the papers, which showed a blurred photo of a girl who looked like Phoebe, in a baseball cap, the thin face angling up. Puzzled, I examined the picture. In it, a black-haired ponytail curled through the adjustable slot, but Phoebe disliked how she looked in hats. Unless it was so cold that she had no choice, she didn’t use hats, let alone baseball caps. What’s this? I said. It’s a picture from the Noxhurst clinic. The parking-lot camera. Will, they’re saying she planted the explosives. The ones at Phipps clinic. Well, that’s not right. You should look at this. I read the article. It didn’t mention John Leal, let alone his cult. It said that, in the video, the girl in the baseball cap walked up to the clinic, then glanced at the camera. She’d been identified as Phoebe Haejin Lin, an Edwards student. The next morning, five additional Jejah cultists were named, including a new person I didn’t recognize: all suspects, but Phoebe was still the principal culprit implicated in the Noxhurst clinic explosions, and so in the five girls’ deaths.